I want to be a normal person
October 10, 2012 7:29 AM Subscribe
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm kinky, but I feel like my life is over and I wish I could just cut this out of me and get rid of it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (53 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
*Straight woman in mid-20s*
*Yes I have begun seeing a therapist for this very issue, ok proceed*
So I guess it wasn't just a fluke that 90% of the guys I've slept with did nothing for me. I guess all those weird fantasies I've had for years and years weren't just a quirkily extreme manifestation of garden-variety sexual urges. No, I guess in real life I enjoy hurting men and holding them down and teasing and mocking them, or being wrestled down to the bed and slapped hard in the face. Because those are really the only times I've truly had fun in bed- when I was with guys I met under normal circumstances who just so happened to be really, really kinky.
Well, so now I'm trying to accept this. Which means I have to pursue kinky guys. But, so now I can never again in my life walk up to a cute guy in a library and give him my number. Now I can never meet a guy through a friend of a friend at a cosy little party and flirt with him. Because I'm a fucking freak. Now, I have to either write down every detail about how I like to fuck and post it on the internet so that guys who just want to get laid can find me, or I have to go to some semen-crusted basement dungeon and try to flirt there.
Online dating... I tried just putting 'GGG' in my OKCupid profile- and then it was all guys ever messaged me about, and I felt like they didn't care about me as a PERSON at all, they just saw that and figured I'd be easy to fuck. So now, according to the advice of everyone I've read, I have to make all of my sex-related match questions public, and my little sister can find out I have rape fantasies, and creepy 60-year-olds can send me pictures of their dicks, and the cute little artist boy who is otherwise 100% compatible with me runs screaming away.
And, going out into 'the scene'? I have friends already. I have spent a very long time, in fact, building up a circle of friends. I used to be a fucking weirdo, and now I'm a cool friend-haver. But now I have to get an entirely new circle of friends in addition, that I can't tell my other friends about, and that will primarily know me as 'person who has sex in X way' and try to make me have some stupid scene name and call me 'Miss' or whatever the fuck.
Bottom line, I don't WANT my sexuality to be the first thing people know about me. But now I have no choice.
And I barely ever really click with anyone as it is- and now my dating pool has been reduced even further, and I want to get married and have kids some day and the mother fucking clock is ticking. But if I want to have more than like 6 satisfying sexual experiences ever, I have to make FUCKING my primary consideration in a life partner. And that SUCKS.
I tried to ask about this on Fetlife and, well they just didn't get it. They didn't understand WHY I feel like I'm losing something. But I feel like the entire universe of love and dating and romance and sex has been cruelly snatched away from me and replaced with something twisted and horrible with no love in it, and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I wish I could just go on denying this forever but I can't anymore. What do I do here?