Help me overcome my reluctance to dominate my girl and fulfill both our fantasies.

February 13, 2007 8:49 AM

Help me overcome my reluctance to dominate my girl and fulfill both our fantasies. I would feel silly and disconnected dominating my girl the way she wants to be dominated in the bedroom. How can I step beyond my self-consciousness to give her what she wants while remaining sensual enough to satisfy myself?

My girl and I are ass-over-tits in love with each other. Our (vanilla) sex life is sensual, sexual, and very very great (she agrees), however she has told me that she'd like to occasionally be dominated in the bedroom. Nothing (too) rough; she wants to be ordered around the bedroom, to be tied up, tied down, her hair pulled, spanked, pinched, bitten, choked, teased, etc, and to be treated somewhat roughly.

This is great; seeing (and hearing!) women in submission really turns me on, and I'm not one to say "that's not how a woman should be treated." I think that if a woman wants to be treated in a way that leaves bruises, then by-god she should have as many bruises as she can handle. Plus, I'm a biter, and thrilled to be for the first time in my life in a relationship where I don't have to hold back.

My problem comes when I actually try to take a more dominant/aggressive role. There are two specific factors at work, I think:
1. I feel awkward commanding her around and being, generally, dominant. It feels... silly to me, and I feel silly doing it. I was just barely able to make it through "come over here and get on top of me" without giggling.
2. I feel distant during sex without a lot of skin-skin contact and without feeling her pull me closer.

We've been working on finding ways to bridge the gap, and have begun to step (slowly) outside our normal zone. We both enjoy it when I pin her arms above her head and/or cover her mouth (I am not AT ALL comfortable putting my hands around her neck) when I'm on top, or when I take her from behind while biting on her back. I just can't bring myself to hit her ass when she's on top yet, although I've been trying to work up to it with a playful swat here and there both in and out of bed. (I can't picture myself doing anything but laughing uproariously if I had her over my knee).

We are very comfortable and open with each other regarding our sexual desires, but she's been pretty reluctant with specifics in this "kinky" arena because she wants to feel like I'm using her to fulfill my desires rather than acting out such a scene in order to fulfill hers, a perspective which I completely understand, since neither of us wants me to be going through the motions and "acting" out a scene for her.

I've begun to get a little stuck as to where to go from the above steps-in-the-right-direction. What I'm looking for is additional insight on how I could tease the dominant in me out, to fulfill her desires, while remaining physically and emotionally connected enough to fulfill mine.

Some responses in the other-side-of-the-fence question here have helped, though I'm quite a bit closer to coming around than the hubby in question there. I also have The Loving Dominant on order at my local bookstore, so I look forward to gaining some insight from that.

Questions to [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

Giggling is normal, and fine. I've had many moments in my relationship where we've been participating in some kind of BDSM act and broken down giggling. Sex is fun, treat it that way.
People have said, numerous times, that some bondage is to prolong the longing for touch, like, "Oh, I am so turned on by you. I want to grab you, but for these handcuffs/ductape/rope". You can treat it as the same "denial of touch to prolong pleasure" mechanism. You can also use some rope tying techniques to bind her to you rather than to whatever else, like tying her arms around you.
posted by nursegracer at 9:12 AM on February 13, 2007

look, if you feel dumb/silly, and it doesn't go away, and youkeeping feeling like that, it's not sexy -- what really works, obviously, is something both people find it sexy. but since she really digs that and you have a great relationship otherwise, suck it up and do it, it's not like she's asking you to involve corpses or chainsaws in your sex life anyway.

maybe you'll end up loving that just because you'll see how much that stuff turns her on. and I say this as somebody who, with all due respect for those who dig that, finds s/m to be unsexy and borderline ridiculous. but then, to each his or her own.
posted by matteo at 9:19 AM on February 13, 2007

Ok, I'm going to get in trouble for this, but seriously - alcohol. Not lots and lots obviously, but some.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:32 AM on February 13, 2007

It might just be me (not to mention most women I've talked to when the conversation turns to these matters ...) but a man giggling during sex is really not sexy, especially if his woman is wanting him to dominate. You must be in serious and sincere control, really.

Drink a couple of glasses of wine. Start with regular making out for as long as you can, with clothes on. Stop unexpectedly. Keep eye contact. Whisper how things are gonna be, what you expect, what to do next. Above all, keep a straight face!
posted by thinkpiece at 9:33 AM on February 13, 2007

The first time I did any rough role playing, I whispered reassurances in her ear (out of character), and that seemed to help (me).

Two recommendations: Telling her to get on top of you is not dominating her. That's dominating her into dominating you. Try this position: you behind her (doggy style) holding on to her hair (for support) with one hand and spanking with the other.

As long as its just the hands on the neck, thats ok, but as soon as it's hand putting pressure, then it's bad. That sort of thing is pretty hard core and pretty unsafe.
posted by philomathoholic at 9:34 AM on February 13, 2007

There's a class taught in the Bay Area about creation of personae for oneself. I took it and it works. You look at the dynamics of the relationship and you see what kind of person would fit into those dynamics; you look at yourself and see what elements you have in common with that kind of person; you integrate the two. For example: I have a problem accepting service from a submissive. Some submissives -love- to be assigned the toy-bag-carrying and things like that, but old-skool manners conflict with my ability to deal with it. The persona I have that can accept this kind of service is a Snively Whiplash-like Bad Guy, and -he- can deal with this aspect of service. It doesn't hurt that his voice has a silly sneer that makes the sub in question giggle. Another example: one of my partners likes to be hurt (no warm-up, just *wham*) and that is at odds with my desire to build up a scene. The persona I have in that case is an impatient pimp.

After a time, when these personae get familiar to you, you find that it really is OK to participate in a scene in a way with which you might have been uncomfortable at first.
posted by jet_silver at 9:43 AM on February 13, 2007

It doesn't really sound like you are all that into it or find it that sexy, actually, from what you described. You are nervous and unsure, and so you should not worry about bridging the gap or some eureka moment, but rather slowly and comfortable changing some of your practices to be more this kind of thing. You will get more comfortable with things the more you try them and the more you see how they make you feel and how they make your partner feel.

I would suggest starting with some variation on what you are already doing. Maybe try some more restraint - that is, you're holding her hands or her hair or holding her down - not that you are tying or binding her in some way. Try being on top of her with one hand holding her two hands above her head with a handful of her hair. If you are even a little stronger than her, she will find it difficult to move around with your hand holding her hands and her hair, and you can still have your other hand free to tease or spank of whatever. This has the advantage of having your body against hers in a relatively vanilla position, while still allowing you to exert a lot of control over her. The key is to start with activities you are both definitely comfortable with and then modify them and push the envelope.

If you like that, you can add things to it, like having her try to squirm away or fight you off or some breath control with your hands above her breasts and slightly compressing her upper chest (which will mildly restrict breath), or putting your hand on her face, etc. You know, whatever gets you both hot. You can also bite her shoulders or upper body in this position. You can also try dominance in other types of activities - sexual or not. Some people really like that kind of thing. The key here is communication and honesty about your feelings - like it is with any sexual activity.

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about trying to bruise her or mark her - you should be able to do plenty that will restrain her and be a little rougher than what you are used to without leaving marks, unless you really want to and she wants you to.

And I recommend against drugs and alcohol until you get a better idea what you each of you likes and how each of you is going to respond to it.

Good luck, have fun!
posted by jcwagner at 9:53 AM on February 13, 2007

Try this one.

During you next play session, neither of you should say word (you can ensure her silence with a gag, but thats just a personal preference of mine ;-).

If you want her in a certain spot, put her there.
If you want her in a certain position, move her into into it.
If you want her to perform a certain act put her hands (or whatever) where you want them...

Dont ask questions. Dont ask for approval, just do. (of course, safe words/actions should be in place)

You get the idea. This way you are concentrating on the actions you're performing and not the reactions to the actions.

Good luck! I love it when kinksters find each other!

XO
posted by sandra_s at 9:57 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am going to totally disagree with this: Telling her to get on top of you is not dominating her. Domination is fundamentally about power and isn't manifested only through physical domination.

I think you're on the right track; those steps in the right direction will, as you do them more and more, make you more comfortable with the dominant position. But I think you'll get some milage out of broadening your understanding of what it is to be in power. For instance, instead of you ordering her around, you can have her not do anything she doesn't ask permission for; you can deny her things without taking on the asshole persona. You may also have success with just doing things to her, positioning her, touching her.

As time goes on you'll find your own way to make it work. Good luck & have (hella) fun.
posted by wemayfreeze at 9:59 AM on February 13, 2007

You say that you feel a little silly trying to dominate her, but really, sex is always a little bit silly. I'm guessing you've got these images in your head, right? of typical domination scenes, and honestly it is a little silly to think of her calling you "big daddy" in a breathlessly overacted voice, or for you two to be dressed in leather with whips or whatever. You say, "I can't picture myself doing anything but laughing uproariously if I had her over my knee." My point is that you're imagining that this is her fantasy, which is beside the point.

But, as you said, if you did that you'd be playing at domination. I don't have a lot of experience with this, but it seems to me like maybe she wants you to boss her around, to not worry too much about hurting her or anything, and to "have your way with her." Thinking to yourself, "OK, I have to tie her down, I have to choke her, I have to spank her" isn't really dominating her because you're dictating the action based on what you think she wants, rather than what you want. You say, "because she wants to feel like I'm using her to fulfill my desires rather than acting out such a scene in order to fulfill hers," which is exactly the point I'm trying to make.

My advice would be for you to relax and just have fun with it. Like everything else, it'll become a lot easier with practice.

On preview, I completely disagree with philomatholic. I think sandra_s and jcwagner have good advice.
posted by muddgirl at 10:00 AM on February 13, 2007

I once had a GF that made a similar request and I too felt a little odd about it. My best friend pointed out that if she REALLY wants this done, she may find someone else willing to do it....food for thought!
posted by keep it tight at 10:32 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is going to sound kind of weird (and definitely don't make a habit of it) but ask her to every once in a while be more persistent in asking for sex when she wants it, especially if she can tell that you're not in the mood, too tired, etc. The bothersome/annoyance factor of it (yes, I realize that it's not all that annoying when your hot s/o begs you for sex) will take the silliness out of you. And you can channel that irritation into dominance. "Dammit girl, you asked for it!" You get the idea.

But definitely don't make a habit out of this! It's just to get yourself used to the idea of taking control and seeing if you're into it. Channelling annoyance into dominance isn't the healthiest of behaviors to practice!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:41 AM on February 13, 2007

I like sandra_s's idea about just being quiet and active. Going along with that, maybe you could silently and unexpectedly kidnap her (from the kitchen, living room, bus stop, wherever - use just your muscle to grab her and drag her away, or get crafty with a gag, blindfold, handcuffs or rope), take her into the dark bedroom, tie her to the bed and have your way with her. I sound a bit like your girlfriend and this is one of my fantasies, anyway. [No, it's not really a rape fantasy - it's a 'my boyfriend is going to kidnap me and have his way with me and I'm going to love every second of it' fantasy.]

Caveat: Bring up the kidnapping thing over coffee and make sure she approves first. Then spring it on her a few days later when she leasts suspects it but will be in the mood to enjoy it.

P.S. A little manhandling of her neck, if she's into it, will feel awesome and actually feels *very* intimate to me. I think it's really the ultimate submission and if she wants that it means she trusts you. Intense in a good way, imo.
posted by infinityjinx at 10:46 AM on February 13, 2007

communication is key. you and she needs to realize that there is a decent chance that you might misread her every now and then and that that's okay.

if commanding her around makes you feel giddy, then don't do it. just be egotistical and use her body to your liking. the cold disregard for who she is, the ignoring of her personality, individuality and character will have a similar effect. that should take care of your second problem: if you want specific things to happen, then just make them part of her having to please you. make them a chore.

it's sex, damnit. it's supposed to be fun. way too many people take themselves waaay too serious. just grab her and have at it. if something doesn't work for you or her, say it later and move on to something else.

oh, yeah. I highly recommend forums like that on bondage.com for these kinds of questions. (I seem to suggest that all the time but I really am not making any money from that site.)
posted by krautland at 10:48 AM on February 13, 2007

How can I give advice without writing it out a like a porn story?

Put her over you lap (lots of skin on skin contact, depending on her and your level of dress.)

And have her tell you about any fantasy she has. Clap in approval. Except instead of clapping, spank. She doesn't make it salacious enough? Spank harder. Be capricious.

The key is to 'be in control.' That'd be you're job buddy.

Domination is about control. You want the story dirtier? You want her to not use some words? Make those choices. You don't have to let her know it...let her make mistakes. This is where you're 'teaching' her how to behave.

Start verbally, act out physically.

You are behaving just fine - you're being loving and supportive to someone who wants that and needs this sort of attention from you.

Not enough "being pulled closer" - every time it doesn't have to be about domination. Or you can always end your 'session' with lots of close touching.
posted by filmgeek at 10:50 AM on February 13, 2007

There's a class taught in the Bay Area about creation of personae for oneself.

And if, uh, my friend was interested in such a class?
posted by trevyn at 11:13 AM on February 13, 2007

Fake it til you make it.

What would a dominant guy do? Rent some movies and see what you two find hot. A History of Violence has a really hot rough-angry-sex scene. When you find the right movie, identify with that character, and do what he would do in your situation. Get in touch with your anger - not at her, obviously, but at some external situation. Channel that aggressive energy. Don't be afraid of it. You know you're not going to hurt her.

But this is just a stopgap, to get you through feeling "silly." To be effectively dominant, you have to be very much in tune with what you want, and also what's going to make your partner melt into a puddle. If you've got the right partner, these are the same things. You can create the scene for her without her ever knowing that you're doing it "for her," because what you're doing is creating a result - i.e., her melting into a puddle. Your dominant behavior is the means to that end, and presumably her arousal turns you on.
posted by desjardins at 11:14 AM on February 13, 2007

Not everything I do to Mrs. Steady in the bedroom is designed for my pleasure (probably 95% gets me off too, but still), and I think that goes for her as well. Sometimes you put your own needs/desires aside for a minute (or even for a night) to focus on your partner. If that means putting aside your awkwardness or learning to bite your cheek to stifle a laugh, well, I would do that if she asked me to.

keep it tight makes an eponysterically good point too.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:28 AM on February 13, 2007

Watch Secretary together whilst you both get a little tipsy. Problem solved.
posted by alby at 12:50 PM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

trevyn, check Cléo duBois' site. If you want detailed information, email me.
posted by jet_silver at 8:12 PM on February 13, 2007

3rding alcohol. It sounds like you're just having trouble overcoming initial self-consciousness and being tipsy will pretty much by definition help you with that.
posted by crinklebat at 10:29 PM on February 13, 2007

Gotta Nth the alcohol. Get a bit boozed up, find a really alarming safe word, learn to use it (and hopefully don't) and go to town. And, yes, watch secretary together. Hotness.
posted by metasav at 11:32 PM on February 13, 2007

If I were a really close friend of yours, my advice would be a lot more blunt, honest, and direct than what I'm about to give you. But frankly, I don't want to throw it out there unless you'd truly wish to hear read it - so feel free to contact me privately if you want that kind of blunt honesty and help.

However, going with the name of the game here, I'll give you what I've found to be the easiest way to assert dominance in the bedroom without feeling cheesy, creepy, predictable, lame, silly... whatever. And, as a bonus, it doesn't require you to talk or do anything outside of your comfort level.

it's simple : orgasm control.

Next time you two are "being intimate" (pref. during foreplay, not full-on sex), do whatever it is you'd normally to drive her nuts to the point of orgasm. But not to orgasm - just to the point just before orgasm. Now... stop.

Sounds easy, but that's just the summary. Basically, you bring her just to the brink of an orgasm, but you pull your hand/tongue/whatever away in time to where she can feel it coming on, but it's not quite a full release.

If you want to get playful with it - pull your hand (or body part that's doing the stimulating) away and just stare at her and smile. Then, touch her vagina gently or put a little "rub" in there, and pull away again. Repeat a few times. Build her up, then pull away. She'll be pretty riled up by now, and without you having to say a word - she'll know exactly what you're doing and she'll know that you're exerting some dominance, sexually. You're basically telling her when it's okay for her to release. It sounds chauvinistic - but you'll need to get over that idea pretty quick for this to work.

When you feel like she's "had enough" of this semi-torture... you can either just go right back into bringing her to orgasm - or you can speak up and tell her that she's allowed to have an orgasm now. You might even take her hand and place it between her own legs and tell her "now... you finish up" and you sit and watch - maybe even pleasure yourself while you watch.

Down the line a bit, you can kick it up a notch. Tie her up. Blindfold her. This way, she won't even know when you're going to touch her, or when you're going to stop. It'll drive her nuts. (in a good way, of course). You could also talk to her - say things like "no... you come when I let you come", or whatever phrase feels comfortable to you/her. This "exercise" will establish that when it comes to the bedroom - you're calling the shots. That's what she's looking for. All the other posts on this thread echo the same thing - she wants you to show that you're confident, that you're ready to make her into your plaything (if only in a fantasy, temporary sense).

Once you get that down, she'll understand your capability to dominate. Most men don't try to keep their women from getting off (and in most cases, it's quite the opposite) - so it's unlikely she's ever had this happen before, and though it's simple, it makes a huge impact. Moreover, you'll feel more confident and you've already started down the path to domination with a good foundation built.

I've done this many times myself - I've asked many women about it outside of my bedroom (ones I had no intention of sleeping with), I've had dominatrix friends that I've talked to about this, and many of my friends who've wanted to go down this road have taken this advice and it's worked out very well for them. I only say this last part so you'll understand I'm not just some dude yelling from the corner about "here's what ya do, kiddo..." or anything.


Good luck!
posted by revmitcz at 2:20 AM on February 15, 2007

A couple of things my BF and I have found good for initiating a bit of fighting/violence/someone getting dominated in the bedroom:

1) Not letting the other kiss you. If you're going to be dominant, you can try a game where she can't kiss you on your mouth. Instead, you maneuver to kiss her anywhere *but* her mouth. She'll struggle to hold you in a position where she can get at your mouth, maybe succeed a bit, but generally fail, and then you get to retaliate for her efforts. Basically I've found it to be a fluid way of initiating a bedroom battle. (Also she can let you know she's in the mood by similarly avoiding kissing - what matters is not who wants / doesn't want it on the mouth. It's who wins and who goes from being in a sweet mood to being in a "now you're gonna get it!" mood.)

2) Sweet sex if you're mad at each other. BDSM-oriented stuff when in a tender mood. It feels safer and, I think, may help avoid larger emotional entanglements if you want the BDSM stuff to stay in the bedroom (some do, some don't).

But really I'm *just* getting into it myself, and read this thread with interest.
posted by lorrer at 12:34 PM on February 19, 2007