Please Sir, may I have some more?

July 30, 2011 7:17 PM

Kink-filter: How can I initiate sex while maintaining my submissive role in the bedroom? NSFW D/s details inside.

My husband and I recently stumbled into the world of BDSM (hooray!). So, now, in addition to being my loving, supporting, and fantastic husband in our normal lives, he is my Dominant and I am his bound, spanked, and exploited submissive wife (in the bedroom). It has been a truly amazing experience and I could NOT be happier with the dramatic change in our sex life over the past six months or so. I have read a lot of books on the subject and am learning quickly but, there is something that I just can't quite grok; how to initiate sex while maintaining a submissive facade.

I have always had the higher sex drive between the two of us, and generally I have always been the one initiating sex (which I am OK with). He has told me straight up that he loves having sex but that it is difficult to convince him that, at that moment sex is more exciting than whatever he is focusing on (he is a very ambitious and hard working person who is always working on things he loves. It is often hard to get him away from his hobbies and interests generally). He has told me in the past that I should just keep pushing until he realizes "Oh shit, this is going to be way more fun than programming!". Sometimes though, that takes a while, and it feels super weird NOW because I am supposed to be being submissive to his desires. It seems clear that his desires aren't sex, so I feel strange (and kind of dominant) trying to change his mind. I have a pretty good success rate with the help of sexy lingerie and showing him what I've posted on my porn tumblr that day, but I feel like both of these things aren't exactly the answer I am looking for... maybe because both of these things aren't particularly submissive.

So, kinky mefi's, how does this work? He wants me to help get him in the mood, but I am not quite sure how to do this while maintaining the relationship we have decided to maintain in the bedroom. We are both fairly new to D/s, and still learning our way around our roles, so any advise is helpful. He will be reading these answers too I'm sure, so please feel free to address both sides of the discussion.

Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total)

Put on whatever you think he likes the most, and then go to where he is and drop to your knees until he tells you what to do next. You will be showing him you would like to have sex, and you will be showing him that you are submissive.
posted by flarbuse at 7:31 PM on July 30, 2011 [5 favorites]

One tactic might be to interrupt him (begging him for forgiveness for doing so), but saying, head down, that you had to make a confession... that you've been having very dirty thoughts, thoughts like x... and y... and how badly you need to [blank] his [blank] in/on your [blank], and those thoughts are making you desperate to touch yourself, like this, but you know that's wrong because your body is his property, not yours, but please please can he give his Kinky Submissive Petname permission to just touch yourself like this, for just one tiny minute? Or is there some other way he thinks you need to touch yourself, to put yourself on display for him, however he wants? Or do you need to be denied your selfish pleasure and give it to him now instead? Or does he need to punish you for this kind of misbehavior, and step one is making you wait, in Position A, for a certain number of minutes until he finishes his task and is ready to deal with you appropriately?

Ahem.
posted by mauvest at 7:53 PM on July 30, 2011 [57 favorites]

I'd think pleading would work. Although if you push it too much you'll run the risk of making him think that you're being impetuous, and may need to be punished.
posted by chmmr at 7:55 PM on July 30, 2011

"May I be completely naked right now?" "Please fuck me." "Please let me undress you and ride you."

You can "top" and still be genuinely submissive. Can anyone elaborate on this?
posted by zeek321 at 8:25 PM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

I have a pretty good success rate with the help of sexy lingerie and showing him what I've posted on my porn tumblr that day, but I feel like both of these things aren't exactly the answer I am looking for... maybe because both of these things aren't particularly submissive.

So it's hard to tell which of these you're saying here:

1. "I must be doing it wrong. A Real Submissive would never initiate sex. I mean, we're having lots of fun doing it this way, but surely we're supposed to be doing it some other way."
2. "It actually just isn't as much fun for us when I'm the one who initiates sex. It's harder for me to get into submissive headspace, and the rest of the scene isn't as hot."

If #1: Forget about it. Ignore what you're "supposed to do." Do what works for you and your husband.

If #2: So one really simple thing I find works pretty well is just to take some time off in between the asking-for-sex and the having-sex. Instead of "Hey Husband, let's get it on right now" if you can approach it like "Hey Husband, come beat the crap out of me in an hour," then that gives you an hour to get yourself back into submissive headspace. And then at the end of the hour, he can come start the scene off with a bang — drag you off to the bedroom, or start laying into you about what a bad girl you've been, or whatever nice toppy opening works for you — and you can be in your submissive role from the get-go.

Also, I'm not convinced that showing him your porn tumblr can't be a subby thing to do. If you spin that right it could be way hot. You're revealing your naughty shameful forbidden thoughts to him (if that's what yanks your chain) or slaving away scouring the internet for the special pictures that will be most pleasing to your master (if that's what yanks your chain) or proving that you're a filthy-minded slut who deserves to be punished (if that's what yanks your chain) or etcetera. Lots of material to play with there.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:26 PM on July 30, 2011 [2 favorites]

I was also going to suggest something similar to what flarbuse and mauvest said. There's a saying called "topping from below" and doing that should get you more of what you want.

Is it hot in here?

FSM, please bring me anonymous answers for Yule.
posted by deborah at 9:09 PM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

I was thinking along the lines of what mauvest said, though I could never have said it so elegantly (and I may need a cold shower in a minute).

But if you wanted to try another approach, could you quietly kneel next to him and put your head in his lap. Not in an I want to have oral sex way, but in an affectionately submissive way, just to let him know you're in the mood. He could just quietly stroke and play with your hair to let you know he knows you're there but just keep working.

Buy a nice new toy and present it to him as a gift to your Dom.

Do you have a cushion or something to kneel on, in case you are there for a while, you can just drop it on the floor by his desk and kneel quietly on it by him while he works. Maybe have a necklace or something you wear (assuming you don't have a collar or some such other more overt symbol) only when you are playing, so when you are in the mood you can put it on, and if he's in the mood then he can follow through. OK I get with something like programing it might be hard to get his attention to notice in the first place if so flarbuse & mauvest have offered some great suggestions. .
posted by wwax at 9:55 PM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

Yeah; even if it doesn't lead to sex, just kneeling next to someone you like to play with can be really nice. But the part where it sometimes gets you laid is definitely a bonus.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:32 PM on July 30, 2011

Watch him. Watch watch watch. Is he just goofing off or is he in major flow mode with his hobby? Pick the right time to interrupt.

Of course the real answer is for you guys to find an agreed upon way to interrupt. Since you're kink in the bedroom types doing this purely for sexy reasons there's no reason why you shouldn't be initiating sex, just find a fun way to do it and feel confident about it!
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:42 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

It might help you to change your mindset about this a little bit. As I understand it, one of the duties of a submissive is to please and take care of his/her Master, right? So by initiating sex you're taking care of him in a sense, especially since, according to your post, He has told me in the past that I should just keep pushing until he realizes "Oh shit, this is going to be way more fun than programming!". He's /told/ you that you can push, and so I'd say it still falls under submissive behaviour even though you feel that it doesn't.

Submissiveness isn't necessarily about positions or whips and chains or whatever- it's about the individual dynamic between you and your Dominant, and what works for the both of you.

Good luck!
posted by Tamanna at 10:56 PM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

When I was a kid some friends of mine had a dog that would go fetch it's leash and bring it to her masters whenever she wanted to go for a walk.
posted by Avenger at 12:17 AM on July 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

Exit to Eden has some wonderful scenes in the vein of mauvest's answer, if you would like more inspiration for initiating a passionate D/s scene as the sub.

Also, I'll be in my bunk.
posted by SakuraK at 2:41 AM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Another referefirst the first Clan of the Cave Bear sequel, The Valley of Horses. Wonderful subplot of a strong sub woman initiating sex with a strong man.
posted by SakuraK at 2:49 AM on July 31, 2011

I like it when submissive guys ask very politely if I might like a little ----

Or plead that they are craving -----

Or admit that they have imagined me -----

Or confess that they have forgotten my favorite ----

I'm not a physical punisher, but admonishment and delay amd demands for further details (oh? What were you doing when you decided to touch your----? How did you feel? When did this happen? An hour ago?!?! Why did you wait to tell me?) makes things very interesting, if you know what I mean.

Yes. Anonymous answers without bothering the mods at 6am.

While 'come do this in an hour' might work for lots of people, I'd find it a bit on the bossy side and would likely decide that now is better. Or maybe in two hours. This would be explained though, I wouldn't just jump on you or anything, but I'm not really interested in bringing D/s too far out of the bedroom, so having a guy kneel beside me for sn hour while I finish a task would be....distracting. So, I'm glad he'll probably read this with you, because my first instinct was, "this is a communication issue!"


posted by bilabial at 2:54 AM on July 31, 2011

I'm a top and what wwax said is perfect.

I would talk to him and agree on some kind of signal - when you bring him your collar (for example) that means he can make the decision whether or not to put it on and continue.
posted by desjardins at 6:11 AM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

From the OP:

@ mauvest - VERY NICE! My husband and I have decided that you may have nailed it! However, I am still a bit too shy for getting that poetic :)
@ nebulawindphone - It is #2, we enjoy me being submissive so it is never as good of a scene if it starts out with me being dominant. I like the ways you suggested using the tumblr account.
@ desjardins - I like the idea of bringing him my collar. I have tried just putting it on, but then I feel like an asshole if he asks me to take it off. Bringing it to him is a much nicer way to deal with that, less harsh rejection if that happens.

I also really like the idea of us having something other than the collar (since it always seems so finite or something). Maybe a necklace or a ribon or a signal of some sort. All really great advise, thanks! I am looking forward to reading more. If you don't feel comfortable posting your answer here, my kinky-life email address is [e-mail] so feel free to send your response there.

A bit more info on our interests, we enjoy playing around with the concept of me being a 50's housewife... so anyone who can work that in their answer gets extra points.

Thanks guys :)

posted by restless_nomad at 2:12 PM on July 31, 2011