Married Sexual Deviant Seeks Same
January 17, 2006 9:03 PM Subscribe
How do I reconcile my crummy (married) sex life with my increasing sexual deviance?
posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I've been what many would describe as somewhat sexually deviant for as long as I can remember. Even when I was a little girl, my fantasies would revolve around being subjugated, used, humiliated and treated as an object. This waned somewhat when I was a teenager and young adult, probably because the doing, even if the acts were completely "vanilla," were temporarily more exciting than my twisted daydreams. I then married someone vanilla, and any shred of sexual connection we shared started to wane once I discovered (via the internet) photos and stories and message boards pertaining to the subject matter of my childhood fantasies. My first husband was relatively open-minded and willing to incorporate into our sex life very mild forms of what I sought. The marriage did eventually end for several reasons, one of which being I was hoping for a relationship that was more in tune with what I needed sexually.
Fast forward a few years, and due to a variety of circumstances, I'm now married to a man who is wonderful to me, unconditionally supportive in our day-to-day life, and truly my best friend in the world. I can't say enough good about him. Our sex life began the first time we got together, and was very highly charged, yet again, completely vanilla. Like in many relationships, it dwindled over time and now once or twice a month is frequent for us. To make matters worse, I'm not enjoying it at all. It's boring, over too quick, and I haven't come (with him) in years.
The problem is, most traditional sex advice doesn't apply. I don't much care for the kind of extended foreplay that's typically recommended. I don't like to be put on a pedestal, focused on, etc. And even if it lasted longer, it wouldn't interest me too much if it was just more of the same. What I want, to be frank, is extremely rough and way out of the realm of my husband's knowledge, interest, or conscience. He's said many times about various acts, "I would never do that to my wife" or "that's not how a woman should be treated." And that's even stuff I would consider mild. I've tried explaining to him the kind of dynamic I like (from a power exchange sort of perspective) and it's completely foreign to him.
I won't offend the masses here by specifying the acts I crave (they're mostly related to verbal humiliation/mindfucks/general roughness though, not extreme pain or anything really sickening). But suffice it to say I've been spending more time online living vicariously through people who actually experience this stuff, and I'm becoming more frustrated and less interested in my own sex life by the minute. I don't want to have no connection whatsoever with my husband. I don't want to be doomed to a life of unfulfilled fantasies and solo sex. I also don't want him going through the motions and feeling bad about himself for doing so, because I could see through that in a minute.
Has anyone experienced something similar and had a happy ending? Anyone managed to completely revamp their sex life to include a dynamic (and related acts) that started off completely repugnant to one partner? Anyone have tips for increasing the satisfaction with sex as it is?