Scaring away doods
October 9, 2010 9:06 AM Subscribe
How do I not scare him off??
29 year old female here dating a 33 year old dood. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months now. We get together at least every weekend, but during the week as well here and there (more recently anyway). We have a TON in common, we have an awesome time together, the sex is great, it's just a very straight-up, no drama, no games, no bullshit pairing. Both of us seem to be very clear and deliberate in our actions, which is refreshing.
Here's my question. We haven't officially had the whole Define-The-Relationship/What-Are-We talk, and while I usually have had that talk with every boyfriend in the past, this time around it might not be warranted. There was a situation about a month ago where we started kind of having the talk and he mentioned that he wasn't there yet - and that's fine, I wasn't either and I told him that and we just dropped it. However, recently it just kind of hit me: Damn it, I full-on love this guy. Except now I'm terrified of telling him because I'm afraid I'm going to scare him off. Help!!
Last night we went on a date and although I didn't straight up spill my guts, I did do some heavy hinting as to my feelings. Since I'm clearly the more verbal of the two of us when it comes to talking about feelings (which is fine, not everyone is) - do you think I may have scared him off by telling him that I love waking up next to him, really have a great time with him, really like who he is and the stuff we've been doing together, love having sex with him...etc.etc.etc.? I'm so worried that I'm going to come across as weird girl when in fact, I'm not. His usual reaction to me saying these sorts of things are "me too" or "I agree" or "it's pretty great isn't it?" - so it seems that he's on the same page. However, I'd also love to hear his thoughts on all of this and am not sure how to open that arena.
I would think by now that if he was scared off by me he'd be gone right? What do I do next besides totally confessing that I'm in love with him? How do I calm myself down?? How do I not scare him off? Now what? It's so hard knowing where I stand but without a concrete answer!
29 year old female here dating a 33 year old dood. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months now. We get together at least every weekend, but during the week as well here and there (more recently anyway). We have a TON in common, we have an awesome time together, the sex is great, it's just a very straight-up, no drama, no games, no bullshit pairing. Both of us seem to be very clear and deliberate in our actions, which is refreshing.
Here's my question. We haven't officially had the whole Define-The-Relationship/What-Are-We talk, and while I usually have had that talk with every boyfriend in the past, this time around it might not be warranted. There was a situation about a month ago where we started kind of having the talk and he mentioned that he wasn't there yet - and that's fine, I wasn't either and I told him that and we just dropped it. However, recently it just kind of hit me: Damn it, I full-on love this guy. Except now I'm terrified of telling him because I'm afraid I'm going to scare him off. Help!!
Last night we went on a date and although I didn't straight up spill my guts, I did do some heavy hinting as to my feelings. Since I'm clearly the more verbal of the two of us when it comes to talking about feelings (which is fine, not everyone is) - do you think I may have scared him off by telling him that I love waking up next to him, really have a great time with him, really like who he is and the stuff we've been doing together, love having sex with him...etc.etc.etc.? I'm so worried that I'm going to come across as weird girl when in fact, I'm not. His usual reaction to me saying these sorts of things are "me too" or "I agree" or "it's pretty great isn't it?" - so it seems that he's on the same page. However, I'd also love to hear his thoughts on all of this and am not sure how to open that arena.
I would think by now that if he was scared off by me he'd be gone right? What do I do next besides totally confessing that I'm in love with him? How do I calm myself down?? How do I not scare him off? Now what? It's so hard knowing where I stand but without a concrete answer!
I don't think you need to rush into "telling him". The big talk always seems like a rom-com convention. I actually agree with pracowity--let your actions speak for you.
And you might take a look at what reaction you anticipate, expect, etc. If you don't have any, fine, but I think most women do, and it's very hard not to feel disappointed if he doesn't come back with "I love you, too".
You're not weird. A guy who cares for you in the way you want won't be scared off but I don't think that you need to confess every emotion aloud the moment it hits you.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:30 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
And you might take a look at what reaction you anticipate, expect, etc. If you don't have any, fine, but I think most women do, and it's very hard not to feel disappointed if he doesn't come back with "I love you, too".
You're not weird. A guy who cares for you in the way you want won't be scared off but I don't think that you need to confess every emotion aloud the moment it hits you.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:30 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
It seems likely that all other advice given in this thread is likely to fall somewhere in the spectrum between those first two comments. Which may be a sign that the answer to this question depends so entirely on the two individuals involved that there can be no other solution than to wait and see what happens.
posted by Diablevert at 9:33 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Diablevert at 9:33 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think that you should just carry on like you are for another 3 months, assuming you're dating exclusively and slowly getting to know each other more. To many people actions are the most important thing and he is still with you and enjoying himself - I'd let that speak for itself.
posted by meepmeow at 9:34 AM on October 9, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 9:34 AM on October 9, 2010
I'm also going to disagree with pracowity. I'm a girl too so maybe this doesn't apply directly to your situation, but I need to hear that kind of stuff. Just doing it and never getting verbal confirmation that this is good, this is nice, I like you, etc., would drive me absolutely nuts.
As far as your situation goes, I think you should just tell him. He might be less verbally expressive than you, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like hearing what you want to say. If you're feeling it, I think you owe it to yourself and to him to just let it out. You don't need to make a big speech. Calm downa little, don't drive yourself nuts imagining every possible response he might make, and just bring it up and see what happens.
posted by MadamM at 9:36 AM on October 9, 2010
As far as your situation goes, I think you should just tell him. He might be less verbally expressive than you, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like hearing what you want to say. If you're feeling it, I think you owe it to yourself and to him to just let it out. You don't need to make a big speech. Calm downa little, don't drive yourself nuts imagining every possible response he might make, and just bring it up and see what happens.
posted by MadamM at 9:36 AM on October 9, 2010
My boyfriend told me he loved me first. I felt the same, and said so, but I would have probably not had the guts to go first. Maybe he is like that.
Tell him. It's normal to wonder where you stand after three months' time, and good communication is at the center of a healthy relationship. If you can't talk now, when will you be able to? A month? A year? Never?
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:49 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell him. It's normal to wonder where you stand after three months' time, and good communication is at the center of a healthy relationship. If you can't talk now, when will you be able to? A month? A year? Never?
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:49 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm in the we-can't-know camp. Maybe some guys would have already been scared off. Maybe some would have been but would not have figured out how to get out of it yet. Maybe some would have zero problem with anything you've said but would bolt at I love you. Maybe some wouldn't bolt. And maybe some would love to hear it. Maybe he's not very verbal and when he says "I agree", he means it. Or maybe that's his way of not reciprocating because he doesn't feel quite the same or feels uncomfortable. We don't know.
I think at some point you have to take the next steps and the only person who will be able to gauge that will be you. These things can be said too soon, but if you're not a kooky cling-on basket case, you're not going to be weird girl. This is the best thing in life, so go for it. If you already can't hold back, don't or your heart will burst, but just be measured about it.
One way to avoid possible conversation landmines or panic spots is to do more showing than telling. A held hand, a kissed neck, a stroked head, a held gaze, a spoony spoon, a lovingly prepared meal, all given freely and without expectation. Those get points across yet don't corner uncertain people quite like words sometimes can. Well unless you do it barnacle style. That can be smothery. Anyway as meepmeow says, do that for a while and see what happens. And meanwhile live in the moment and enjoy this lucky gift.
Maybe you'll get more value out of having written this out than from any of our answers.
posted by Askr at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think at some point you have to take the next steps and the only person who will be able to gauge that will be you. These things can be said too soon, but if you're not a kooky cling-on basket case, you're not going to be weird girl. This is the best thing in life, so go for it. If you already can't hold back, don't or your heart will burst, but just be measured about it.
One way to avoid possible conversation landmines or panic spots is to do more showing than telling. A held hand, a kissed neck, a stroked head, a held gaze, a spoony spoon, a lovingly prepared meal, all given freely and without expectation. Those get points across yet don't corner uncertain people quite like words sometimes can. Well unless you do it barnacle style. That can be smothery. Anyway as meepmeow says, do that for a while and see what happens. And meanwhile live in the moment and enjoy this lucky gift.
Maybe you'll get more value out of having written this out than from any of our answers.
posted by Askr at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am most definitely not saying I'm right, but I'm saying this is what I'd do:
Yeah, most definitely have the "state of the state" talk, but y'know, just to kind of ensure that you're completely 100% on the same page of exclusivity.
But at three months, I'd be a little taken aback by someone telling me that they loved me. Why? Because I know that 3 months is still the honeymoon phase, and everything can still be rainbows and satchels of gold and lovely feelings.
But honestly, at three months you don't really really know me yet. It's nice that you love what you know...but it's early days. I'm appreciative of someone's affection and desire to be with me and being exclusive and all that, but at 3 months, when people have told me that they love me, I ended up thinking, "But you don't really KNOW me."
posted by dzaz at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2010
Yeah, most definitely have the "state of the state" talk, but y'know, just to kind of ensure that you're completely 100% on the same page of exclusivity.
But at three months, I'd be a little taken aback by someone telling me that they loved me. Why? Because I know that 3 months is still the honeymoon phase, and everything can still be rainbows and satchels of gold and lovely feelings.
But honestly, at three months you don't really really know me yet. It's nice that you love what you know...but it's early days. I'm appreciative of someone's affection and desire to be with me and being exclusive and all that, but at 3 months, when people have told me that they love me, I ended up thinking, "But you don't really KNOW me."
posted by dzaz at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2010
Exact same boat, right here. I'm the more verbal one, and I'm used to more verbal men. Personally I am ignoring my usual instincts and holding off on the "talk," mostly because the non-talky stuff is SO right on and satisfying and loving that it calms me down enough to just enjoy. I believe that sooner or later, some circumstance will come up that will naturally require us to clarify all this. When I get antsy, I repeat the following new-agey yet effective mantra to myself, as suggested to me by another antsy girl: "sitting silently, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself."
Often this works. Other times I find myself thinking GROW, GRASS! GROW, DAMMIT!
posted by oneaday at 10:23 AM on October 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
Often this works. Other times I find myself thinking GROW, GRASS! GROW, DAMMIT!
posted by oneaday at 10:23 AM on October 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
Hmm, personally, I would assume your comments last night were (a) likely fine, and (b) akin to having had another talk wherein he said he's still not quite ready to talk about this but is enjoying the hell out of your company too (or whatever he says he next time he sees you). So i'd give him a little time, and maybe try again in a month?
There may come a point where you're like "I cant hold it in and I can't handle not knowing. Decide formally now!!" If you want to give him time, you may want to slow down the arrival of that moment where your desire to know turns into bitterness that he won't yet say. it will come sooner the more you worry about whether you acted right, at least the way my brain is wired. So going easy on yourself will also help you be relaxed with him. The early months are full of high-highs and low-lows and intense worries, so just enjoy the ride as much as possible. :)
posted by salvia at 10:50 AM on October 9, 2010
There may come a point where you're like "I cant hold it in and I can't handle not knowing. Decide formally now!!" If you want to give him time, you may want to slow down the arrival of that moment where your desire to know turns into bitterness that he won't yet say. it will come sooner the more you worry about whether you acted right, at least the way my brain is wired. So going easy on yourself will also help you be relaxed with him. The early months are full of high-highs and low-lows and intense worries, so just enjoy the ride as much as possible. :)
posted by salvia at 10:50 AM on October 9, 2010
OP, so you're saying that having a "define the relationship" talk has been a hallmark of all of your past relationships? You might consider breaking that cycle if you don't want to break up with this one.
posted by rhizome at 11:23 AM on October 9, 2010
posted by rhizome at 11:23 AM on October 9, 2010
I think the things you say you said are strongly in ok, not scary, territory. When I was single I would have been fine in that zone - I like hanging out with you, we have a great time, I really appreciate things you do for me, I love doing things for you, etc.
For me, though, there's still a pretty big DMZ there between that and I love you, want to be with you, what do you think about moving in together, that kind of talk. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it, but I was totally ok with present tense, but tended to keep future-tense type stuff at arms length.
So your strategy might be to ask him questions about the present - do you enjoy waking up with me? Would you be happier with more time alone? Chances are, if this is going as well as you think it is, he can say things that will make you happy in response without feeling cornered about making promises he's not ready to make.
posted by ctmf at 11:56 AM on October 9, 2010
For me, though, there's still a pretty big DMZ there between that and I love you, want to be with you, what do you think about moving in together, that kind of talk. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it, but I was totally ok with present tense, but tended to keep future-tense type stuff at arms length.
So your strategy might be to ask him questions about the present - do you enjoy waking up with me? Would you be happier with more time alone? Chances are, if this is going as well as you think it is, he can say things that will make you happy in response without feeling cornered about making promises he's not ready to make.
posted by ctmf at 11:56 AM on October 9, 2010
you think I may have scared him off by telling him that I love waking up next to him, really have a great time with him, really like who he is and the stuff we've been doing together, love having sex with him...etc.etc.etc.?
Anon, we have no way to know because we aren't him. Hell, you haven't even told us what his reaction was to this news, or if you have any evidence that he's actually been "scared off." It's only been a day!
I think the best thing to do right now would be to go for a walk, get out of your house, and stop stressing over something when there's no evidence at all that you have any need to worry.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:25 PM on October 9, 2010
Anon, we have no way to know because we aren't him. Hell, you haven't even told us what his reaction was to this news, or if you have any evidence that he's actually been "scared off." It's only been a day!
I think the best thing to do right now would be to go for a walk, get out of your house, and stop stressing over something when there's no evidence at all that you have any need to worry.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:25 PM on October 9, 2010
Yeah, as a guy I'd love to hear that stuff, and as ctmf said it's quite different (to me) than "I love you" which is the "scarier" one (not really scary, but if it's _too_ fast I'd be worried she's just the type who falls in love with everyone / way too quickly).
Of course, to me 3 months isn't necessarily too fast if we both appear to be feeling it, but standards for something like "I love you / let's have an exclusive relationship" vary quite widely, as I'm sure this thread will make clear. It seems like this guy definitely isn't on the move-super-fast end given his earlier comment, but that doesn't mean he's on the opposite end.
It does definitely sound (to me) like he's not the kind of guy who's comfortable saying some of these things (assuming, as you seem to, that he does genuinely seem to be having a great time but doesn't make much comment in response to yours), which is fairly common. For now giving him opportunities like this is probably good, but you may eventually have to "force" the issue if he's the type who will simply never say it otherwise.
posted by wildcrdj at 1:30 PM on October 9, 2010
Of course, to me 3 months isn't necessarily too fast if we both appear to be feeling it, but standards for something like "I love you / let's have an exclusive relationship" vary quite widely, as I'm sure this thread will make clear. It seems like this guy definitely isn't on the move-super-fast end given his earlier comment, but that doesn't mean he's on the opposite end.
It does definitely sound (to me) like he's not the kind of guy who's comfortable saying some of these things (assuming, as you seem to, that he does genuinely seem to be having a great time but doesn't make much comment in response to yours), which is fairly common. For now giving him opportunities like this is probably good, but you may eventually have to "force" the issue if he's the type who will simply never say it otherwise.
posted by wildcrdj at 1:30 PM on October 9, 2010
This is a relationship. If you have to play games, or wait artificially for a "sign" that it's ok to be yourself, or pretend not to feel things, or pretend not to want to talk about the things you absolutely do truly feel, are you getting what you want and need from the relationship?
For me, I know that I need to be with a person who can/will communicate with me about our relationship on the same level that I can/do. Sure, I had to discover this through a lot of trial and error, but the point is that I will ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT be miserable if I feel like I can't be honest about my own feelings/thoughts with a person I'm in a relationship with. It's ok to recognize what you need from a partner, and it's ok to hold out until you find it. If you were to be open and honest with him about how you really and truly feel, and he couldn't handle that, maybe it would mean he's simply not be the best match for you.
posted by so_gracefully at 1:40 PM on October 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
For me, I know that I need to be with a person who can/will communicate with me about our relationship on the same level that I can/do. Sure, I had to discover this through a lot of trial and error, but the point is that I will ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT be miserable if I feel like I can't be honest about my own feelings/thoughts with a person I'm in a relationship with. It's ok to recognize what you need from a partner, and it's ok to hold out until you find it. If you were to be open and honest with him about how you really and truly feel, and he couldn't handle that, maybe it would mean he's simply not be the best match for you.
posted by so_gracefully at 1:40 PM on October 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
I would just mention that you're stressing over when to have a "define the relationship" conversation without even seeming to consider that having it at all isn't a given. Plenty of people are fully capable of simply taking the relationship as it comes with no grand plan. Not everyone sees it as a box that needs to be ticked in the same way you sound like you do.
You might, therefore, have a broader conversation about how you each see relationships, rather than how you see this relationship.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2010
You might, therefore, have a broader conversation about how you each see relationships, rather than how you see this relationship.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2010
If you don't think you can put off confessing your love much longer, try to time it so that you say your first "I love you" during sex right when he's about to come. This will maximize the probability of him saying "I love you too" back because everyone loves you when they're about to come.
Once he's said he loves you too, he either has to keep saying it (even if he's not sure yet but suspects he's on his way there) or let things suddenly get really weird and awkward and uncomfortable and avoid-y (if he knows that's not where he's headed emotionally).
Either way, you'll have your answer!
posted by Jacqueline at 3:10 PM on October 9, 2010
Once he's said he loves you too, he either has to keep saying it (even if he's not sure yet but suspects he's on his way there) or let things suddenly get really weird and awkward and uncomfortable and avoid-y (if he knows that's not where he's headed emotionally).
Either way, you'll have your answer!
posted by Jacqueline at 3:10 PM on October 9, 2010
I found that "define the relationship" talk is difficult because it's a nebulous subject. The relationship is what it is, it makes you happy, in love, etc... why try to find a word to describe something so fluid, complex and individualistic? Relationship rarely fits into the common definition proscribed by society anyway. It is usually easier to do these instead:
1. Communicate specifically the facts, actions, feelings, preferences you have: It has been 3 months, I remember our first date vividly, I love it when you did that and I think I'm in love with you... etc. This communicates 2 things: reinforce your shared experiences and affirm your the current status of your relationship. You don't need one word to sum up this complex thing between the two of you (ie. are we an item? or couple? gf/bf?)
2. Your plans, expectation and method: this is future talk. I suspect this is what cause your distress. You may have some preconceived notion that "if we are X, then we should be Y". Unfortunately, people notion of X and Y differs, and there are many path from X that can lead to Y or Z or W... So, you should approach your SO with a description of what you envision your shared future will be (I'd like to be your exclusive girlfriend; spend weekends together, see movies once a month...etc), how you want him to share in that future (you should clear the weekends, buy tickets...etc). Then usually, you two will negotiate on the goals and methods to get there.
TL;DR: if the BIG talk is too intimidating, break into parts and solve separately. Acknowledge the complexity of the relationship.
posted by curiousZ at 4:05 PM on October 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. Communicate specifically the facts, actions, feelings, preferences you have: It has been 3 months, I remember our first date vividly, I love it when you did that and I think I'm in love with you... etc. This communicates 2 things: reinforce your shared experiences and affirm your the current status of your relationship. You don't need one word to sum up this complex thing between the two of you (ie. are we an item? or couple? gf/bf?)
2. Your plans, expectation and method: this is future talk. I suspect this is what cause your distress. You may have some preconceived notion that "if we are X, then we should be Y". Unfortunately, people notion of X and Y differs, and there are many path from X that can lead to Y or Z or W... So, you should approach your SO with a description of what you envision your shared future will be (I'd like to be your exclusive girlfriend; spend weekends together, see movies once a month...etc), how you want him to share in that future (you should clear the weekends, buy tickets...etc). Then usually, you two will negotiate on the goals and methods to get there.
TL;DR: if the BIG talk is too intimidating, break into parts and solve separately. Acknowledge the complexity of the relationship.
posted by curiousZ at 4:05 PM on October 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't keep "strongly hinting". It makes the issue seem bigger and more of a hassle than it really is, and the "hints" might not be as clear as you think they are.
For example, when I sense someone is frequently doing the kind of hinting you're doing, it always makes me think they want me to say or do something. I feel put upon and that I've been given the burden of saying something that someone else wants to have said.
Instead of saying I love you right off the bat, maybe you could simply ask if he's ready to have that conversation now. Perhaps say that you're thinking this is/could be a serious/longterm relationship. His reaction will give you a lot more information.
posted by spaltavian at 10:32 PM on October 9, 2010
For example, when I sense someone is frequently doing the kind of hinting you're doing, it always makes me think they want me to say or do something. I feel put upon and that I've been given the burden of saying something that someone else wants to have said.
Instead of saying I love you right off the bat, maybe you could simply ask if he's ready to have that conversation now. Perhaps say that you're thinking this is/could be a serious/longterm relationship. His reaction will give you a lot more information.
posted by spaltavian at 10:32 PM on October 9, 2010
"However, I'd also love to hear his thoughts on all of this and am not sure how to open that arena."
He's probably telling you this already, in a million other ways than the specific one you want to hear. You already know it because of the vibe you feel, an unspoken agreement you share and revel in, the comfort you find in all the spaces and silences. Take all this energy and use it to look and listen in new ways. You'll find even more to love about this man in that.
As for the words that are rattling around in your head...don't let them out yet, but calm them. Reframe it...better that those things you want to say are more like a sweet secret you're saving for later rather than a violent brigade that you fear will bludgeon him if released. If you absolutely must get it out of your head, lest it drive you mad, then put it on paper, canvas, CD, whatever creative outlet you can find. And again, save it for later.
In sum, put your energy in trying to make peace with these wild and anxious feelings of maddening love (as opposed to putting energy into how to act on them). Because even though it can be somewhat torturous, it's mostly great when you get to be in this place. Don't be in such a rush to trade it all up for the label of In A Relationship; you don't get this part back.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:01 AM on October 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
He's probably telling you this already, in a million other ways than the specific one you want to hear. You already know it because of the vibe you feel, an unspoken agreement you share and revel in, the comfort you find in all the spaces and silences. Take all this energy and use it to look and listen in new ways. You'll find even more to love about this man in that.
As for the words that are rattling around in your head...don't let them out yet, but calm them. Reframe it...better that those things you want to say are more like a sweet secret you're saving for later rather than a violent brigade that you fear will bludgeon him if released. If you absolutely must get it out of your head, lest it drive you mad, then put it on paper, canvas, CD, whatever creative outlet you can find. And again, save it for later.
In sum, put your energy in trying to make peace with these wild and anxious feelings of maddening love (as opposed to putting energy into how to act on them). Because even though it can be somewhat torturous, it's mostly great when you get to be in this place. Don't be in such a rush to trade it all up for the label of In A Relationship; you don't get this part back.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:01 AM on October 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
He's probably telling you this already, in a million other ways than the specific one you want to hear. You already know it because of the vibe you feel, an unspoken agreement you share and revel in, the comfort you find in all the spaces and silences. Take all this energy and use it to look and listen in new ways. You'll find even more to love about this man in that.
Anyone can say the words but you can't fake the look in the eyes, it comes from inside. If you still the noise in your head and learn to ride the emotional ebb and flow, you can pick up on what iamkimiam is describing. It will ground you during this emotionally turbulent time and possibly benefit in laying a strong foundation on which will continue the evolution of your partnership.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 2:29 AM on October 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Anyone can say the words but you can't fake the look in the eyes, it comes from inside. If you still the noise in your head and learn to ride the emotional ebb and flow, you can pick up on what iamkimiam is describing. It will ground you during this emotionally turbulent time and possibly benefit in laying a strong foundation on which will continue the evolution of your partnership.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 2:29 AM on October 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
You say you love the idea of a relationship with no drama or games. But the language you use when you talk about worrying that you're "scaring him off" suggests otherwise.
So let's take the drama out of it.
You love him. You're the kind of person who, when you love someone, the words want to gush out of you and shower your beloved with sweet lovingness. Which probably means that you need the same from someone you care about.
He might not be that way. Some people just aren't comfortable putting their feelings into words. Instead, he might get up early and make you coffee or buy you flowers or have a part of him touching a part of you at every time.
Am I talking about love languages? You busted me. It's kind of cheesy, but I really believe it's true. People express affection in different ways and they have different needs from their partners.
Here's a handy quiz to figure out what your love language is:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
If it's important to you to tell him how you feel, I wouldn't try to shut that down. Because then you're not being authentic. But you don't have to freak him out. You can just say, "When I care about people, I like to tell them how much I care about them." And make it clear that you're not expecting him to do the same thing in return.
Also, pay attention to how he expresses his affection and try to do things for him that fit his mode of expression. Usually we give to others what we want for ourselves.
posted by missjenny at 5:42 AM on October 10, 2010
So let's take the drama out of it.
You love him. You're the kind of person who, when you love someone, the words want to gush out of you and shower your beloved with sweet lovingness. Which probably means that you need the same from someone you care about.
He might not be that way. Some people just aren't comfortable putting their feelings into words. Instead, he might get up early and make you coffee or buy you flowers or have a part of him touching a part of you at every time.
Am I talking about love languages? You busted me. It's kind of cheesy, but I really believe it's true. People express affection in different ways and they have different needs from their partners.
Here's a handy quiz to figure out what your love language is:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
If it's important to you to tell him how you feel, I wouldn't try to shut that down. Because then you're not being authentic. But you don't have to freak him out. You can just say, "When I care about people, I like to tell them how much I care about them." And make it clear that you're not expecting him to do the same thing in return.
Also, pay attention to how he expresses his affection and try to do things for him that fit his mode of expression. Usually we give to others what we want for ourselves.
posted by missjenny at 5:42 AM on October 10, 2010
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Scared off might not be the right way to describe it. I don't like having to describe and define the way I feel about other people. Just putting it in words devalues it for me. And I really don't like when I end up doing so just because someone else has done so first and left me feeling obliged to reciprocate or get out.
If you actually love that stuff (and him), he won't need to be told. Don't tell him. Never tell him. Just show him by continuing to love waking up next to him, having a great time with him, etc.
posted by pracowity at 9:18 AM on October 9, 2010 [3 favorites]