mutual friends and friendhip breakup
October 9, 2010 8:57 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with friendship-breakup awkwardness involving mutual friends?
I've seen this other post about getting friend-dumped, but it doesn't really address my question. I got friend-dumped (by someone I considered a pretty close friend) several months ago; from my point of view it came out of nowhere, and there was no explanation given other than "I just don't want to be friends with you anymore." Fine. It sucked, but I'm dealing with it. The thing I'm finding hard, though, is encounters with mutual friends, who casually mention the ex-friend in conversation, or occasionally invite us both to the same event. (These people know that ex-friend and I are no longer friends.) I find this really painful, particularly because I never understood why the friendship ended, and it's still a bit of an open wound for me.
If a romantic relationship ends, I feel like there's a sort of obvious etiquette that you don't do that kind of thing, because it's (potentially) difficult for both parties involved, but apparently that etiquette doesn't exist for friendship breakups. I want to ask my friends not to do this kind of thing, particularly inviting us to the same events, but I'm a little at a loss for how to do it, because I don't want to put them in a situation where they're forced to choose between me and ex-friend. I'm afraid that if I say something, I'll sound like I'm saying, "If you want to be friends with me, you can't be friends with ex-friend anymore," which isn't the message I want to send. Is there a good way to go about this? Would it be better for me to have someone else say something? (My best friend knows how difficult I'm finding this and could maybe say something to the other people involved, but I feel like that's a bit of a cop-out on my part.)
Thanks for your advice!
I've seen this other post about getting friend-dumped, but it doesn't really address my question. I got friend-dumped (by someone I considered a pretty close friend) several months ago; from my point of view it came out of nowhere, and there was no explanation given other than "I just don't want to be friends with you anymore." Fine. It sucked, but I'm dealing with it. The thing I'm finding hard, though, is encounters with mutual friends, who casually mention the ex-friend in conversation, or occasionally invite us both to the same event. (These people know that ex-friend and I are no longer friends.) I find this really painful, particularly because I never understood why the friendship ended, and it's still a bit of an open wound for me.
If a romantic relationship ends, I feel like there's a sort of obvious etiquette that you don't do that kind of thing, because it's (potentially) difficult for both parties involved, but apparently that etiquette doesn't exist for friendship breakups. I want to ask my friends not to do this kind of thing, particularly inviting us to the same events, but I'm a little at a loss for how to do it, because I don't want to put them in a situation where they're forced to choose between me and ex-friend. I'm afraid that if I say something, I'll sound like I'm saying, "If you want to be friends with me, you can't be friends with ex-friend anymore," which isn't the message I want to send. Is there a good way to go about this? Would it be better for me to have someone else say something? (My best friend knows how difficult I'm finding this and could maybe say something to the other people involved, but I feel like that's a bit of a cop-out on my part.)
Thanks for your advice!
I'd be worried about asking your mutual friends not to invite you two to the same events, because this would indeed put them in an awkward position of having to choose. Maybe you could instead ask them to give you a heads up on whether the ex-friend is going to be there? You could also explain that there are still some hurt feelings and that it isn't always easy for you to be around him/her, and you find that knowing ahead of time makes it easier for YOU to make the choice.
Also... Maybe you could initiate some of these events? That way, you'd be more in charge of who's going to be there, and your friends wouldn't be making the choice to exclude your ex-friend.
Also... You might want to start exploring friendships with people who are unconnected to the ex-friend. Not as a replacement for the mutual friends, but as something to counter-balance what is clearly a stressful situation.
Hopefully this will get easier over time, and after awhile, it won't be as difficult to be around the ex-friend.
posted by alphanerd at 9:41 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also... Maybe you could initiate some of these events? That way, you'd be more in charge of who's going to be there, and your friends wouldn't be making the choice to exclude your ex-friend.
Also... You might want to start exploring friendships with people who are unconnected to the ex-friend. Not as a replacement for the mutual friends, but as something to counter-balance what is clearly a stressful situation.
Hopefully this will get easier over time, and after awhile, it won't be as difficult to be around the ex-friend.
posted by alphanerd at 9:41 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I went through a friend-break-up some years ago, my partner and best friend (as well as others) both remained friends with my ex-friend, and we regularly saw each other at group events. It was very awkward--we'd say these tense hellos to each other and then ignore each other.
Unless it's dinner for four at a restaurant, I don't know that there's anything to do but attend and get used to it. I also didn't want people to have to choose between us, and that meant putting up with some discomfort in order for the group as a whole to chug along in its usual way (I think the ex-friend and I both did really well in this regard). Eventually, as others have said, it got more comfortable, and now (many years later) the ex-friend and I actually can do dinner-for-four-with-mutual-friends and have a normal conversation and it's OK.
posted by not that girl at 9:54 AM on October 9, 2010
Unless it's dinner for four at a restaurant, I don't know that there's anything to do but attend and get used to it. I also didn't want people to have to choose between us, and that meant putting up with some discomfort in order for the group as a whole to chug along in its usual way (I think the ex-friend and I both did really well in this regard). Eventually, as others have said, it got more comfortable, and now (many years later) the ex-friend and I actually can do dinner-for-four-with-mutual-friends and have a normal conversation and it's OK.
posted by not that girl at 9:54 AM on October 9, 2010
When I once expressed that I didn't enjoy XYZ's company and declined a few events because she'd be there and I didn't want to spend time with her, some friends stopped inviting me to events where she would be, and felt that feeling of having to choose. This turned out to be suprisingly disruptive.
Normally, I'm very much "honesty is the best policy," but it was surprising to me, the big impact of telling others about not enjoying XYZ's company. It was not at all worth it. When I saw how disruptive it was, I began trying to take it back. I've been trying to take it back for a couple years now. My annoyance with XYZ largely passed long ago. I've even taken to making one on one plans with XYZ to really get the message across, and one of those friends finally believed that I didn't mind XYZ's company and expressed relief.
So later, during a friend breakup with ABC, I didn't say anything except to ask "oh, and who else will be there?" Then I arrived with a mental gameplan for dealing with ABC if she was on the list, or I made an excuse not to come if I couldn't handle it. Those who knew about the friendship breakup spotted what was going on, but this much lighter way of dealing with it meant that intend of them disrupting invitation lists, they instead sympathetically asked "how was it seeing ABC?"
posted by salvia at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Normally, I'm very much "honesty is the best policy," but it was surprising to me, the big impact of telling others about not enjoying XYZ's company. It was not at all worth it. When I saw how disruptive it was, I began trying to take it back. I've been trying to take it back for a couple years now. My annoyance with XYZ largely passed long ago. I've even taken to making one on one plans with XYZ to really get the message across, and one of those friends finally believed that I didn't mind XYZ's company and expressed relief.
So later, during a friend breakup with ABC, I didn't say anything except to ask "oh, and who else will be there?" Then I arrived with a mental gameplan for dealing with ABC if she was on the list, or I made an excuse not to come if I couldn't handle it. Those who knew about the friendship breakup spotted what was going on, but this much lighter way of dealing with it meant that intend of them disrupting invitation lists, they instead sympathetically asked "how was it seeing ABC?"
posted by salvia at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Well, in your case it's a bit easier, since you weren't the one who can't stand the other. For casual mutual friends, you can just excuse yourself without saying the real reason. For closer friends, you can explain, "hey, I'd love to, but I get the impression that A has a problem with me and I'm not really sure what it is. It might be kind of awkward."
It's the added explanation that makes it not a "you can have A or me, not both" scenario. Now your friend has the option of trying to mediate, or at least maybe do a bit of recon for you on what A's problem is.
You might also throw in some sort of short-term indication, like "for now, I'm kind of hurt by A, maybe another time" so your friend will know you're not swearing to be mortal enemies for all time and to try again next time.
posted by ctmf at 12:07 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's the added explanation that makes it not a "you can have A or me, not both" scenario. Now your friend has the option of trying to mediate, or at least maybe do a bit of recon for you on what A's problem is.
You might also throw in some sort of short-term indication, like "for now, I'm kind of hurt by A, maybe another time" so your friend will know you're not swearing to be mortal enemies for all time and to try again next time.
posted by ctmf at 12:07 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ick, I've had this happen to me, and it's awful. Sorry you're going through this.
The thing is, it's not really the mutual friends' job to deal with the emotional turmoil you're going through. If you say anything to them in this context, it really puts them in a awkward position and ramps up the drama exponentially. Fairly or not, they are going to see you as the face of this awkwardness and drama, and you probably will get some blowback, which you don't really need right now.
Just smile and be really noncommittal when someone mentions her, and just have other plans if you don't want to see her at events. It sucks, but it's really the only way to handle it.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 3:27 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
The thing is, it's not really the mutual friends' job to deal with the emotional turmoil you're going through. If you say anything to them in this context, it really puts them in a awkward position and ramps up the drama exponentially. Fairly or not, they are going to see you as the face of this awkwardness and drama, and you probably will get some blowback, which you don't really need right now.
Just smile and be really noncommittal when someone mentions her, and just have other plans if you don't want to see her at events. It sucks, but it's really the only way to handle it.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 3:27 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
These friends feel awkward because they care about both of you and don't want to have to choose. If they mention your ex-friend, it may likely be because they are trying to feel you out and see how you respond. The very 100% best thing you can possibly do is not respond at all. When they mention your ex-friend, imagine that they're talking about someone they work with who you may have met once or twice but you don't know at all. The friend you're talking to will think, "Whoa, that was way less awkward than I feared. Okay, now I can relax." And that will be good.
I've been the friend in between before and it's awkward as hell. Especially when the breakup of friends isn't mutual. It's not easy to be non-reactive but try thinking of it as a gift to your friends. They're already feeling awkward, so you can ease that tension for them.
When it comes to events, if you think the ex-friend will be there and you feel you're not ready for it, just say you can't go. Make up a reason if you'd like. There are tons of reasons people can't attend certain events, so there's no need for you to explain your particular one.
If you do happen to be at the same event with your ex-friend, just be calm. Don't be cold. But please please please don't do that awkward, "OMG I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUNNNNN!" thing that people sometimes do. If you get overwhelmed, go hide in the bathroom for a minute. Not that I've done that before or anything :)
Also, seconding the advice to maybe branch out your friend group. Getting dumped, whether romantically or by a friend, can be a big blow to your self-esteem and it can be wonderful to meet some people who have nothing to do with that mess, who appreciate you for your wonderful self.
Good luck to you.
posted by missjenny at 6:02 AM on October 10, 2010
I've been the friend in between before and it's awkward as hell. Especially when the breakup of friends isn't mutual. It's not easy to be non-reactive but try thinking of it as a gift to your friends. They're already feeling awkward, so you can ease that tension for them.
When it comes to events, if you think the ex-friend will be there and you feel you're not ready for it, just say you can't go. Make up a reason if you'd like. There are tons of reasons people can't attend certain events, so there's no need for you to explain your particular one.
If you do happen to be at the same event with your ex-friend, just be calm. Don't be cold. But please please please don't do that awkward, "OMG I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUNNNNN!" thing that people sometimes do. If you get overwhelmed, go hide in the bathroom for a minute. Not that I've done that before or anything :)
Also, seconding the advice to maybe branch out your friend group. Getting dumped, whether romantically or by a friend, can be a big blow to your self-esteem and it can be wonderful to meet some people who have nothing to do with that mess, who appreciate you for your wonderful self.
Good luck to you.
posted by missjenny at 6:02 AM on October 10, 2010
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Since they are aware you are no longer friends with ex-friend, I would say something. You are simply stating your feelings on the subject and it does not force them to choose.
Thank you so much for inviting me. Since Jane and I are no longer friends, it's still a bit of an open wound for me (or you could say it is awkward). For now, I would feel better not attending events for which she may be present.
If you would like to not say anything, thank them for the invite and give an excuse that you are busy. Personally, I think honesty is the best policy.
posted by Fairchild at 9:21 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]