That's some threesome!
May 21, 2010 9:37 AM Subscribe
It's pretty likely that I'm soon to be involved in some sexy-time with a man and a woman who are married with an open relationship. I'm really excited and a little nervous because I've never done this. Very slightly NSFW details inside.
Okay, here are the players:
1. Me - late 20s woman who used to date/sleep with women, exclusively for awhile, but hasn't been with one in several years.
2. Lady - gorgeous; unbelievable; we met at a conference recently and...ahem...hit it off. She sort of initiated, but I was game right away. We were incredibly attracted to each other, both physically and mentally.
3. Hubby - don't know him. Looks cool/attractive on Facebook. Lady said that he would really, really like me.
So basically, I'm down. I'd like to give it a try. I live in a different city from them, but I'll be in their city twice this summer - once next week for a short visit and once later on for two or three weeks.
Here are the things I wonder about:
1. What if I don't like him but still want to be with her? I would feel really, really awkward saying, "Listen, can I just bang your wife?"
2. She said he likes to watch. I have no idea how I'll feel about this. I might love it, I might be totally weirded out. Can anyone speak to their first experience in the situation or how I might best prepare myself and/or talk to them/her about it?
3. I have the most ridiculous feelings for this woman. It's chemical...I can't help it. I'm a bit afraid that if I see her again, I'll start to obsess, which is not something I would really like to do, as there's no chance of any sort of real relationship or even a consistent sexual relationship with her (husband; long distance). These feelings and their ramifications aren't directly related to the husband, but I have a feeling his presence could complicate matters. As in, what if I sort of resent him?
Basically, all these questions and issues boil down to the fact that I have no experience with polyamory. In my early 20s, I was a pretty jealous girlfriend. I haven't been in a serious relationship in awhile, but I have a feeling that I will be much less so next time around; however, I'm worried about those tendencies creating awkwardness and even animosity if I'm not prepared and careful.
Any advice from folks experienced in such polyamorous matters would be greatly appreciated. I know there are quite a few of you around here. Thanks!
Okay, here are the players:
1. Me - late 20s woman who used to date/sleep with women, exclusively for awhile, but hasn't been with one in several years.
2. Lady - gorgeous; unbelievable; we met at a conference recently and...ahem...hit it off. She sort of initiated, but I was game right away. We were incredibly attracted to each other, both physically and mentally.
3. Hubby - don't know him. Looks cool/attractive on Facebook. Lady said that he would really, really like me.
So basically, I'm down. I'd like to give it a try. I live in a different city from them, but I'll be in their city twice this summer - once next week for a short visit and once later on for two or three weeks.
Here are the things I wonder about:
1. What if I don't like him but still want to be with her? I would feel really, really awkward saying, "Listen, can I just bang your wife?"
2. She said he likes to watch. I have no idea how I'll feel about this. I might love it, I might be totally weirded out. Can anyone speak to their first experience in the situation or how I might best prepare myself and/or talk to them/her about it?
3. I have the most ridiculous feelings for this woman. It's chemical...I can't help it. I'm a bit afraid that if I see her again, I'll start to obsess, which is not something I would really like to do, as there's no chance of any sort of real relationship or even a consistent sexual relationship with her (husband; long distance). These feelings and their ramifications aren't directly related to the husband, but I have a feeling his presence could complicate matters. As in, what if I sort of resent him?
Basically, all these questions and issues boil down to the fact that I have no experience with polyamory. In my early 20s, I was a pretty jealous girlfriend. I haven't been in a serious relationship in awhile, but I have a feeling that I will be much less so next time around; however, I'm worried about those tendencies creating awkwardness and even animosity if I'm not prepared and careful.
Any advice from folks experienced in such polyamorous matters would be greatly appreciated. I know there are quite a few of you around here. Thanks!
Meet him first, before you make any decisions. Lots of people look cool and sexy on Facebook and are neither.
posted by xingcat at 9:49 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 9:49 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Think about your boundaries and speak them. Ask what theirs are. Ensure those boundaries are mutually compatible. Be firm about those boundaries in the heat of the moment; don't change them without a stop-and-think moment and agreed to by everyone. I hate to say "be clinical" when it's chemical and you just want to groove on the dopamine, but that's the only way to keep from waking up with a bad case of the ohShits.
There's a number of good books about this if you want to read extensively, but really the key starter is The Ethical Slut. And the key point she makes is the one above: Know and respect everyone's boundaries.
Have fun!
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:50 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
There's a number of good books about this if you want to read extensively, but really the key starter is The Ethical Slut. And the key point she makes is the one above: Know and respect everyone's boundaries.
Have fun!
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:50 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have the most ridiculous feelings for this woman. It's chemical...I can't help it.
Reminder, she has a husband and they have sex with other people. That doesn't sound like a situation you should be putting your heart in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:56 AM on May 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
Reminder, she has a husband and they have sex with other people. That doesn't sound like a situation you should be putting your heart in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:56 AM on May 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
So wait a second. You're going to have sex with the both of them and you haven't even met him in person yet? Your first two questions seem like you have let her decide what activities you're going to undertake. Do you want to have a threesome (or just sex with her)? If so, why would you do it when you haven't even met one of the people yet? (Disclaimer: I don't know if this is general practice or not when you have sex with couples: you meet one partner, they vouch for their partner, and away you go or what, but instinct tells me it wouldn't be general practice.) So why not just start off having sex with her? Unless she's in an "open" relationship where she can only have sex with other people if the husband comes along too? She said that he would really like you, but it's important to determine if you would really like him. So yeah, meet him first.
In short, I think you're getting way ahead of yourself here. It seems like you've missed a few steps in the decision/discussion process. Take a step back and clear you head a bit before you go into having this threesome.
posted by foxjacket at 10:01 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
In short, I think you're getting way ahead of yourself here. It seems like you've missed a few steps in the decision/discussion process. Take a step back and clear you head a bit before you go into having this threesome.
posted by foxjacket at 10:01 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. Spend at least some time with both of them in a non-sexy situation first.
2. In general, you don't get to stay sleeping in their bed when sexy-time is over.
3. Yes, you should read The Ethical Slut.
4. Have fun! Sex should be fun, remember?
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:15 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
2. In general, you don't get to stay sleeping in their bed when sexy-time is over.
3. Yes, you should read The Ethical Slut.
4. Have fun! Sex should be fun, remember?
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:15 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
As in, what if I sort of resent him?
Then you back off, because they're married, they're not looking for anything other than some fun sex with other people (presumably, unless they tell you otherwise), and getting obsessive and resentful will just mess everything up for all of you. You politely tell them that you've decided that, while all of this was fun and they're nice people and you enjoyed it, you're looking for something different at the moment.
Then you go have your cry, hit the bar with your friends, and take your time getting over it, because it'll hurt but you will recover, and you'll recover knowing that you didn't blow a ton of time in a relationship that wasn't going to get you an exclusive dating/ sexual thing with the woman involved no matter how hot she was and how much you liked her.
(You really can't do much worse than I did at 20 in a kinda-similar situation. That one ended with the husband telling me they'd recommitted their lives to Jesus... these folks sound like they're at least not going to do that to you. Enjoy it while it lasts.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:21 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Then you back off, because they're married, they're not looking for anything other than some fun sex with other people (presumably, unless they tell you otherwise), and getting obsessive and resentful will just mess everything up for all of you. You politely tell them that you've decided that, while all of this was fun and they're nice people and you enjoyed it, you're looking for something different at the moment.
Then you go have your cry, hit the bar with your friends, and take your time getting over it, because it'll hurt but you will recover, and you'll recover knowing that you didn't blow a ton of time in a relationship that wasn't going to get you an exclusive dating/ sexual thing with the woman involved no matter how hot she was and how much you liked her.
(You really can't do much worse than I did at 20 in a kinda-similar situation. That one ended with the husband telling me they'd recommitted their lives to Jesus... these folks sound like they're at least not going to do that to you. Enjoy it while it lasts.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:21 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
You met the women and hit it off and did a bunch of [redacted].
Treat meeting the man the same way. Meet him. See if you hit it off. Then do or do not [redacted].
Really, you're in a dating-ish situation - it's just a more complicated one. All the same rules apply. Follow your own pace. Be comfortable. Be honest about your baggage. Don't rush things. Don't let other people push you into things you don't want to do.
If you meet him and think yeah okay, this could be fun, and decide to go home with them then set restrictions and expectations up-front. "Hey dude, I have never done this being-watched thing before and I don't know if I'll be into it." and see what they say - perhaps their deal with each other is that he'd be fine with wandering off elsewhere. Perhaps you'll have to say well sorry, never mind, and go home and leave them to it.
You don't have to do what you don't want to and you don't have to pretend it's not new and weird to you. So long as you just remain open to communication and insist on communication in return you'll be alright. If they push you to behave in a way that you're not okay with then pull the plug.
Whether you'll develop discomfort/jealousy afterwards nobody can know, maybe not even you. That's like every other thing in life - you need to think about the possible repercussions and decide if the payoff is worth the risk. I'd say a big warning sign would be if you're really not interested in playing with both of them but are going to push aside your dislike in order to get with her. When you start sacrificing big things right out the gate that's usually a sign that you're not building on a good foundation, IMHO.
posted by phearlez at 10:35 AM on May 21, 2010
Treat meeting the man the same way. Meet him. See if you hit it off. Then do or do not [redacted].
Really, you're in a dating-ish situation - it's just a more complicated one. All the same rules apply. Follow your own pace. Be comfortable. Be honest about your baggage. Don't rush things. Don't let other people push you into things you don't want to do.
If you meet him and think yeah okay, this could be fun, and decide to go home with them then set restrictions and expectations up-front. "Hey dude, I have never done this being-watched thing before and I don't know if I'll be into it." and see what they say - perhaps their deal with each other is that he'd be fine with wandering off elsewhere. Perhaps you'll have to say well sorry, never mind, and go home and leave them to it.
You don't have to do what you don't want to and you don't have to pretend it's not new and weird to you. So long as you just remain open to communication and insist on communication in return you'll be alright. If they push you to behave in a way that you're not okay with then pull the plug.
Whether you'll develop discomfort/jealousy afterwards nobody can know, maybe not even you. That's like every other thing in life - you need to think about the possible repercussions and decide if the payoff is worth the risk. I'd say a big warning sign would be if you're really not interested in playing with both of them but are going to push aside your dislike in order to get with her. When you start sacrificing big things right out the gate that's usually a sign that you're not building on a good foundation, IMHO.
posted by phearlez at 10:35 AM on May 21, 2010
If what you really want is a twosome, and you're getting into a threesome to get it, you're going to be dissapointed-some.
posted by Hiker at 11:17 AM on May 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by Hiker at 11:17 AM on May 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
normally i'm all gung-ho for consenting adults wanting sexy times with more than two people.
i would caution you, though - how much happier would you be if she were single? if the answer is "OMG a LOT" - then tread carefully. being a third in a threesome means that you're the toy and they're the couple (unless it's a set up where you're being brought in as an equal - but this doesn't seem like that). if that sounds fun, go forward. if you're going into this hoping to be a couple with her, you'll probably be very disappointed.
as to "him watching" - i'm sure there are many situations where that happens, but i've been involved in my fair share of group sex and i've never seen "just watching" stay that way the entire romp. now, a super fun game (if you don't want to fuck him) is to turn it into a sort of power play and suggest that you and him both fuck her but you don't mess with each other - sort of like you see in MMF porn.
since you say you'll be in town twice - make the first trip a social, non-sexual trip where everyone can talk about their expectations and you can decide if you find him hott enough to bone. make the next trip all about the sexy if that's what you still want.
i also strongly suggest getting laid directly before your sexy trip and have something lined up for after. if you're already gaga for her in a chemical sort of way, having someone else to stir those emotions might keep you from getting too attached.
posted by nadawi at 12:11 PM on May 21, 2010
i would caution you, though - how much happier would you be if she were single? if the answer is "OMG a LOT" - then tread carefully. being a third in a threesome means that you're the toy and they're the couple (unless it's a set up where you're being brought in as an equal - but this doesn't seem like that). if that sounds fun, go forward. if you're going into this hoping to be a couple with her, you'll probably be very disappointed.
as to "him watching" - i'm sure there are many situations where that happens, but i've been involved in my fair share of group sex and i've never seen "just watching" stay that way the entire romp. now, a super fun game (if you don't want to fuck him) is to turn it into a sort of power play and suggest that you and him both fuck her but you don't mess with each other - sort of like you see in MMF porn.
since you say you'll be in town twice - make the first trip a social, non-sexual trip where everyone can talk about their expectations and you can decide if you find him hott enough to bone. make the next trip all about the sexy if that's what you still want.
i also strongly suggest getting laid directly before your sexy trip and have something lined up for after. if you're already gaga for her in a chemical sort of way, having someone else to stir those emotions might keep you from getting too attached.
posted by nadawi at 12:11 PM on May 21, 2010
Um, I mean, as long as you stay cognizant of the fact that she's married and doesn't want to *not* be married to her husband, then I saw just go for it. You live in a different town, it isn't like you have to interact regularly with these people. Like the worst that could happen is things are awkward or not as amazingly hot as you thought that maybe they would be.
It's called casual, NSA sex for a reason. Like people have said, if you go in with expectations of more than just sexy time, you might be disappointed. But if you just want a hot threesome? Don't bean plate it for christ's sake. Totally destroys the whole point. You're not going to know what you're comfortable with until you push the boundaries a little.
Have sex, have fun. Sex is so...banal. Fun and necessary, but banal. Don't anxiety yourself out of a good time.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:28 PM on May 21, 2010
It's called casual, NSA sex for a reason. Like people have said, if you go in with expectations of more than just sexy time, you might be disappointed. But if you just want a hot threesome? Don't bean plate it for christ's sake. Totally destroys the whole point. You're not going to know what you're comfortable with until you push the boundaries a little.
Have sex, have fun. Sex is so...banal. Fun and necessary, but banal. Don't anxiety yourself out of a good time.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:28 PM on May 21, 2010
As in, what if I sort of resent him?
The fact that this has even crossed your mind implies that this situation isn't for you.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:02 PM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
The fact that this has even crossed your mind implies that this situation isn't for you.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:02 PM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
The fact that this has even crossed your mind implies that this situation isn't for you.
Oh, bushwa. Even the very model of a modern polyamorist feels jealous sometimes. Just feeling resentment -- let alone thinking about it -- doesn't mean a thing. What matters is what you do about it.
Anon, you are getting plenty of good advice above.
Have dinner with them, and pay attention to how you feel. Really notice how much you enjoy their way of relating to each other, because you're going to be soaking in their dynamic.
Do you feel relaxed and able to be your best self around them? Then move closer. Does he seem like something you want more of? Feel eeshy? confused? shut down? excessively or persistently awkward? Take a step back.
Just because she is hot for a threeway, and you are hot for her, doesn't mean you have to do them both. Don't take on her expections as requirements. If you would rather just do her, you can totally ask for that.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:44 PM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, bushwa. Even the very model of a modern polyamorist feels jealous sometimes. Just feeling resentment -- let alone thinking about it -- doesn't mean a thing. What matters is what you do about it.
Anon, you are getting plenty of good advice above.
Have dinner with them, and pay attention to how you feel. Really notice how much you enjoy their way of relating to each other, because you're going to be soaking in their dynamic.
Do you feel relaxed and able to be your best self around them? Then move closer. Does he seem like something you want more of? Feel eeshy? confused? shut down? excessively or persistently awkward? Take a step back.
Just because she is hot for a threeway, and you are hot for her, doesn't mean you have to do them both. Don't take on her expections as requirements. If you would rather just do her, you can totally ask for that.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:44 PM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
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In my early 20s, I was a pretty jealous girlfriend.
This enterprise seems to have Bad Idea written all over it.
You might first wade the shallow end of the threesome pool with partners whom you'll have no strong, long-term "chemical" attraction to. At least you might figure out more definitively what you want from the experience, with fewer unwanted repercussions.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:49 AM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]