"i miss you." "UGH, really?"
October 17, 2012 12:41 PM Subscribe
How to deal with feelings of revulsion when others are expressing their need for your time and care?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
I'm having a really hard time figuring out if I should be dating people at all, and I'd love the green's help, insight, or dare I hope, validation that I'm not the only person who does this. First, I'm early 30s, and so happy flying solo. I love my life, my jobs, my friends, my hobbies. I meet, quite literally, all my own needs via these things and am flat-out most of the time. I have a lot of passion for life and a bunch of causes that are dear to me. I have a few lovers who provide so much fun and affection, and it's really lovely. Life is good.
Here's the thing. As soon as anyone -- whether it's a friend or a lover -- says they "need" something from me (usually my time, in some form or another -- ie. "i need to see you soon, i miss you"), my gut reaction is annoyance. It feels so demanding to me! And it immediately puts me off, and I have a hard time dealing with, and even continuing said friendship, romance, whatever it may be. I find it terribly off-putting that folks might need something from me, and that they can't find a way to tend to it themselves. It feels... energy-leeching almost.
Now that I type that, I feel like it sounds totally absurd. Of COURSE people have needs. I guess I am from the ilk where I assume everyone is meeting their own needs, being happy with the life they've built, and not expecting/needing me to fill some kind of gap that exists. Even when people say they "miss" me, I completely bristle. What's that about? I really don't know. These things used to make me feel cared for, but now they prompt such a knee-jerk "UGH" feeling that I don't even know what to do. A lover today told me by email that they miss me, and I found myself frowning so hard at my computer screen that it hurt my face.
I don't "miss" people. I care so intensely, and even am in love with people! But I don't feel like getting told that I'm "really missed" is very caring. It just makes me feel like people aren't happy on their own, or don't know how to deal when I'm not around. This seems like common emotional currency to exchange... but it's just of no value to me. It makes me feel so awkward. I feel affection for people when we're apart, but there's no pain of missing people.
Asking because: I'm hitting the point where I feel like I'm perpetually in the position of not meeting people's needs or hurting their feelings because I only have a certain amount of time to offer. Because I really do care about these folks, I am hitting the point where I don't even know if it's ethical to continue. And I can't deal with feeling so annoyed about it all the time! I'm a generally happy person, this is basically my one serious sticking point that I'm having a terrible time sorting out.
Therapy: happening. No need to sell me on it. BUT, what I really want to know is -- does anyone else experience this? How do you deal with it?