Can I date my professor?
April 8, 2010 6:18 AM Subscribe
Can I date my professor?
I'm a 28 year old female, back in school working on another degree. I also work full time and stay consistently pretty busy. I'm in a fairly small program with about 30 other students at a small community college in a big city. It's a very casual environment. This semester I have a professor I haven't had before and I'm growing really attracted to him. He's 50 and also really active, which, to me, is pretty sexy. I know that he's never been married and doesn't have kids. After an unpleasant break-up almost a year ago, I've dated a few guys (my age- I haven't dated an older man before) sans sparks but I am really starting to get all butterflies and girliness about this guy. I am not completely 100% sure but I do think there is some mutual attraction going on between us. From both sides- lingering eye contact (and not just when he's lecturing), G-rated touching and when he tells a joke that makes me smile or laugh (because he looks for my reaction) I swear it's like he's mentally high-fiving himself. It's really endearing. We've spent the last few weeks after class talking. We have a lot of things in common and I can just feel a really good connection. I'm usually the first person to think, "Oh, this guy doesn't really like me, he's just a nice guy," but I think I'm right on this one. Either way, that's what the next 5 weeks of class are for...I mean, aside from learning.
I'm pretty damn sure he's not the kind of professor that runs around chasing all the young girls, so, there's that because I know at least one of you is thinking it. Also, I will probably have one more class with him next semester. I'm a solid A student so it's not like I'm trying to sleep with him for a grade or something. And I have evidence of solid work if it ever became some kind of problem. Which brings me to my question:
I can't find any solid evidence that says we absolutely cannot date. If the next five weeks continue positively, and he doesn't ask me on a date, I can ask him on a date, right? I am really not worried about gossip but I wouldn't want to jeopardize his job. ...Is that even a possibility? I feel like two adults are allowed to date whoever they want. ...Right? Anyone familiar with this kind of stuff?
Anonymous just in case. Throw away: hotforteacher51@yahoo.com
I'm a 28 year old female, back in school working on another degree. I also work full time and stay consistently pretty busy. I'm in a fairly small program with about 30 other students at a small community college in a big city. It's a very casual environment. This semester I have a professor I haven't had before and I'm growing really attracted to him. He's 50 and also really active, which, to me, is pretty sexy. I know that he's never been married and doesn't have kids. After an unpleasant break-up almost a year ago, I've dated a few guys (my age- I haven't dated an older man before) sans sparks but I am really starting to get all butterflies and girliness about this guy. I am not completely 100% sure but I do think there is some mutual attraction going on between us. From both sides- lingering eye contact (and not just when he's lecturing), G-rated touching and when he tells a joke that makes me smile or laugh (because he looks for my reaction) I swear it's like he's mentally high-fiving himself. It's really endearing. We've spent the last few weeks after class talking. We have a lot of things in common and I can just feel a really good connection. I'm usually the first person to think, "Oh, this guy doesn't really like me, he's just a nice guy," but I think I'm right on this one. Either way, that's what the next 5 weeks of class are for...I mean, aside from learning.
I'm pretty damn sure he's not the kind of professor that runs around chasing all the young girls, so, there's that because I know at least one of you is thinking it. Also, I will probably have one more class with him next semester. I'm a solid A student so it's not like I'm trying to sleep with him for a grade or something. And I have evidence of solid work if it ever became some kind of problem. Which brings me to my question:
I can't find any solid evidence that says we absolutely cannot date. If the next five weeks continue positively, and he doesn't ask me on a date, I can ask him on a date, right? I am really not worried about gossip but I wouldn't want to jeopardize his job. ...Is that even a possibility? I feel like two adults are allowed to date whoever they want. ...Right? Anyone familiar with this kind of stuff?
Anonymous just in case. Throw away: hotforteacher51@yahoo.com
the short answer is: no, you and your professor should not date. Moreover it may become an ethical issue for him in the department and school for him o date a student.
posted by wocka wocka wocka at 6:23 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wocka wocka wocka at 6:23 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
In five weeks he won't be your teacher anymore, right? Go ahead and ask him then.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [10 favorites]
I can't find any solid evidence that says we absolutely cannot date.
This is not an evidence based sort of thing. If you want evidence, look for rules on the books at your school about teachers dating students. If you have a class coming up with him next semester [i.e. he's still going to be your teacher] then in many places there are rules against this sort of thing. Whether you're a straight A student or not, sleeping with a current professor is usually against the rules. As in "he could be fired" against the rules, not like "oh not such a great idea"
If you're not taking a class with him, then it's less clear whether you are allowed to date [in some places this may be okay in some places it may not] but you seem to have some sort of misunderstanding about how much a professor's job can affect what they are allowed to do in their personal life.
I feel like two adults are allowed to date whoever they want. ...Right?
Not necessarily, no. Having evidence of solid work won't really matter much if dating itself is against the rules.
posted by jessamyn at 6:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
This is not an evidence based sort of thing. If you want evidence, look for rules on the books at your school about teachers dating students. If you have a class coming up with him next semester [i.e. he's still going to be your teacher] then in many places there are rules against this sort of thing. Whether you're a straight A student or not, sleeping with a current professor is usually against the rules. As in "he could be fired" against the rules, not like "oh not such a great idea"
If you're not taking a class with him, then it's less clear whether you are allowed to date [in some places this may be okay in some places it may not] but you seem to have some sort of misunderstanding about how much a professor's job can affect what they are allowed to do in their personal life.
I feel like two adults are allowed to date whoever they want. ...Right?
Not necessarily, no. Having evidence of solid work won't really matter much if dating itself is against the rules.
posted by jessamyn at 6:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
As a data point, Yale University recently banned sexual relationships between faculty and students.
posted by reptile at 6:27 AM on April 8, 2010
posted by reptile at 6:27 AM on April 8, 2010
Yeah, wait until he's not your professor anymore, and then don't take any classes with him in the future if you take any steps at all toward a relationship (even if you just ask him out and he says no). It could really mess up his career if anyone accuses him of giving you higher grades because of an extracurricular relationship.
posted by oinopaponton at 6:27 AM on April 8, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by oinopaponton at 6:27 AM on April 8, 2010 [11 favorites]
IAAP, IANYP. Are you permitted to date him? Can't know for sure, but it's likely that the faculty regulations mentions something about romantic liaisons with students. It would almost certainly be frowned upon, if not cost him professionally. Most times, faculty conduct expectations are not publicly available for students to read.
Should you date him? Well, here are some things to consider:
1. If you date him while enrolled in his class, or know you will be enrolled in his class again, his ethical integrity is seriously compromised. He has a duty to fairly evaluate the coursework of all of his students. If he's boinking one of them, the playing field is hardly level.
2. If things go wrong, and turn ugly, will you really want him still deciding your grade and academic future?
3. Even if it doesn't cost him his job, if word gets out, it could cost him the respect of his peers, and this has very real and material consequences when it comes to things like tenure and promotion.
4. Mixing power dynamics "by day I grade your performance, by night we are partners" is bound to get messy.
I certainly wouldn't think of it, especially not while I was "under him" as a student. That being said, unfortunately, these relationships are not uncommon.
posted by reverend cuttle at 6:31 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Should you date him? Well, here are some things to consider:
1. If you date him while enrolled in his class, or know you will be enrolled in his class again, his ethical integrity is seriously compromised. He has a duty to fairly evaluate the coursework of all of his students. If he's boinking one of them, the playing field is hardly level.
2. If things go wrong, and turn ugly, will you really want him still deciding your grade and academic future?
3. Even if it doesn't cost him his job, if word gets out, it could cost him the respect of his peers, and this has very real and material consequences when it comes to things like tenure and promotion.
4. Mixing power dynamics "by day I grade your performance, by night we are partners" is bound to get messy.
I certainly wouldn't think of it, especially not while I was "under him" as a student. That being said, unfortunately, these relationships are not uncommon.
posted by reverend cuttle at 6:31 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's dependant on the school's policy, but most frown on professors dating any student (even if they are not taking classes from that professor). You could probably e-mail their HR dept. with a throw away e-mail asking about the policy for an accurate answer.
posted by Menthol at 6:33 AM on April 8, 2010
posted by Menthol at 6:33 AM on April 8, 2010
I can't find any solid evidence that says we absolutely cannot date.
This is not an evidence based sort of thing.
Repeated for emphasis. Not all the right answers in life come from "evidence." You have to think the situation through. These facts you're telling us about the physical, surface details of the situation don't really matter as far as the bottom line of what you should do.
I'm pretty damn sure he's not the kind of professor that runs around chasing all the young girls
That's part of the problem. Not a problem for you. But think about the other female students who don't happen to be physically attractive to him. And then there is that other gender. They could suffer as a result if he uses any kind of curve. Even if you think that's implausible because you'll get an A anyway, you can't really know that it won't have an effect. How can you be so sure you won't start slacking off because you'll feel assured of getting an A? More importantly, other people who find out about it won't know it didn't have any effect (positive for you or negative for others). Hence chesty_a_arthur's comment.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:37 AM on April 8, 2010
This is not an evidence based sort of thing.
Repeated for emphasis. Not all the right answers in life come from "evidence." You have to think the situation through. These facts you're telling us about the physical, surface details of the situation don't really matter as far as the bottom line of what you should do.
I'm pretty damn sure he's not the kind of professor that runs around chasing all the young girls
That's part of the problem. Not a problem for you. But think about the other female students who don't happen to be physically attractive to him. And then there is that other gender. They could suffer as a result if he uses any kind of curve. Even if you think that's implausible because you'll get an A anyway, you can't really know that it won't have an effect. How can you be so sure you won't start slacking off because you'll feel assured of getting an A? More importantly, other people who find out about it won't know it didn't have any effect (positive for you or negative for others). Hence chesty_a_arthur's comment.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:37 AM on April 8, 2010
and when he tells a joke that makes me smile or laugh (because he looks for my reaction) I swear it's like he's mentally high-fiving himself.
If he's doing this and you can see it, others can see it. If others can see it, they have reason to question whether you're really a straight A student or whether he's playing favorites.
Avoid the appearance of impropriety.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:38 AM on April 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
If he's doing this and you can see it, others can see it. If others can see it, they have reason to question whether you're really a straight A student or whether he's playing favorites.
Avoid the appearance of impropriety.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:38 AM on April 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
This would implicate a number of academic ethics issues which you're both better off avoiding. Most institutions worth a damn have pretty strict rules about this sort of thing. Read your student handbook and take a look at the faculty handbook if you can get one. I'd be shocked if this issue wasn't addressed there.
posted by valkyryn at 6:40 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by valkyryn at 6:40 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do not date him while you are in his class, and if you date him, you can't really ever take another class with him because it will be suspect.
My sister dated a professor at her state university. He taught in her department, but she never had him for any classes. There were never any repercussions in their particular situation.
posted by kimdog at 6:47 AM on April 8, 2010
My sister dated a professor at her state university. He taught in her department, but she never had him for any classes. There were never any repercussions in their particular situation.
posted by kimdog at 6:47 AM on April 8, 2010
When you are done with his class, and won't need to take him for another, you can ask him out. That's how all the professors I ever worked under operated. Or, at least, the ones who were interested in relationships and not affairs.
posted by absalom at 6:50 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by absalom at 6:50 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your college's faculty handbook almost certainly addresses this subject; if you want to find out what your institution's policies are on the subject, that's where you should look. Check the Human Resources section of your college's website.
I don't think there's an ethical problem with a student (especially one who's not a "traditional undergraduate") dating a faculty member, as long as they're not interacting in a professional capacity and are careful to avoid any situations where difficulties might arise. As a data point, I met one of my past GFs when she was an undergraduate and I was a graduate student (working as a teaching assistant) in the same department. Once things got serious, I went to the faculty member who was in charge of the TAs and basically said, "So-and-so and I are dating, and it would probably be best if I didn't act as a TA in any class she was in to avoid any conflict of interest." The TA supervisor basically smiled and nodded, later assigned me as a TA for a class that she wasn't in, and that was that.
Your professor's situation is different from mine was, though, in that he's faculty and in that you're in a small program. Both of these factors mean that your program administrators will not have nearly as much flexibility in making sure that you two can effectively avoid one another "at work"; if there's only a few professors in the department, it's not as likely that he can be reassigned away from classes that you're taking in a given semester. I wouldn't ask him out until such time as you know that there's no chance of his being your professor again.
As an aside: if you do decide to pursue this, you may well have to take a fair amount of initiative. As a rule, most male faculty in today's colleges & universities are incredibly leery of any appearance of "young-girl-chasing". The aforementioned GF had to make her intentions pretty obvious before I lowered my "potential student" shields.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:55 AM on April 8, 2010
I don't think there's an ethical problem with a student (especially one who's not a "traditional undergraduate") dating a faculty member, as long as they're not interacting in a professional capacity and are careful to avoid any situations where difficulties might arise. As a data point, I met one of my past GFs when she was an undergraduate and I was a graduate student (working as a teaching assistant) in the same department. Once things got serious, I went to the faculty member who was in charge of the TAs and basically said, "So-and-so and I are dating, and it would probably be best if I didn't act as a TA in any class she was in to avoid any conflict of interest." The TA supervisor basically smiled and nodded, later assigned me as a TA for a class that she wasn't in, and that was that.
Your professor's situation is different from mine was, though, in that he's faculty and in that you're in a small program. Both of these factors mean that your program administrators will not have nearly as much flexibility in making sure that you two can effectively avoid one another "at work"; if there's only a few professors in the department, it's not as likely that he can be reassigned away from classes that you're taking in a given semester. I wouldn't ask him out until such time as you know that there's no chance of his being your professor again.
As an aside: if you do decide to pursue this, you may well have to take a fair amount of initiative. As a rule, most male faculty in today's colleges & universities are incredibly leery of any appearance of "young-girl-chasing". The aforementioned GF had to make her intentions pretty obvious before I lowered my "potential student" shields.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:55 AM on April 8, 2010
It's generally a bad idea to date someone who potentially has power over another. For example, boss and direct report or doctor and patient.
Certainly don't date him while he's teaching you and I'd avoid dating him if you plan to pursue a course of study that includes him and his department.
posted by inturnaround at 7:02 AM on April 8, 2010
Certainly don't date him while he's teaching you and I'd avoid dating him if you plan to pursue a course of study that includes him and his department.
posted by inturnaround at 7:02 AM on April 8, 2010
If your school has one, and if he or she is worth his or her salt, the school's ombudsperson should be able to answer your question regarding specific regulations, and possibly have some anecdotal data that can be of use about situations that have arisen in the past, within a context of total confidentiality.
posted by Shepherd at 7:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Shepherd at 7:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd say, as long as you don't have any further classes with him, AND you're not relying on him for an academic reference (now or ever), go forth and be jolly.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:15 AM on April 8, 2010
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:15 AM on April 8, 2010
Also, I will probably have one more class with him next semester.
This cannot happen if you date your professor. Is there a different professor that you can select for the class? I'm of the opinion that this can't happen even if you don't date him, because one of these situations will happen regardless:
- you won't have asked him out and will be all love-woozy throughout the semester and pining for him, thereby distracting you from your studies.
- you asked him out and he said yes and you went on a few dates but then you guys broke up and now shit, it's awkward.
- you asked him out and you date for awhile before you break up with him. Now you have to worry about retribution and the amount of control that this guy still has over you.
- you asked him out you two are still dating, and other students now have serious concerns and grievances over whether you are receiving preferential treatment (justly).
- you asked him out AND HE SAID NO and now you have to deal with attending classes with someone who rejected you.
Yeah, I'd be changing my class schedule already. And I totally sound like a Debbie Downer, which I'm not (promise!). I think that you should definitely wait for the semester to finish before you ask him out, and then I wish you two the best! Just not any classes together.
posted by amicamentis at 7:20 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
This cannot happen if you date your professor. Is there a different professor that you can select for the class? I'm of the opinion that this can't happen even if you don't date him, because one of these situations will happen regardless:
- you won't have asked him out and will be all love-woozy throughout the semester and pining for him, thereby distracting you from your studies.
- you asked him out and he said yes and you went on a few dates but then you guys broke up and now shit, it's awkward.
- you asked him out and you date for awhile before you break up with him. Now you have to worry about retribution and the amount of control that this guy still has over you.
- you asked him out you two are still dating, and other students now have serious concerns and grievances over whether you are receiving preferential treatment (justly).
- you asked him out AND HE SAID NO and now you have to deal with attending classes with someone who rejected you.
Yeah, I'd be changing my class schedule already. And I totally sound like a Debbie Downer, which I'm not (promise!). I think that you should definitely wait for the semester to finish before you ask him out, and then I wish you two the best! Just not any classes together.
posted by amicamentis at 7:20 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Most institutions worth a damn have pretty strict rules about this sort of thing.
Not necessarily -- schools are all over the place on this issue, and it isn't something that goes by school quality.
Definitely, however, don't start dating him while you are still his student. Wait until after the semester is over and grades have been submitted before asking him out, at a minimum.
And has been mentioned, if you guys do start dating (or are just flirting so obviously that everyone can tell), people may assume that you are fucking your way to a degree. If that bothers you, don't date the prof. That said, people do this all the time, and it's not generally a big deal at all as long as people avoid obvious impropriety.
posted by Forktine at 7:32 AM on April 8, 2010
Not necessarily -- schools are all over the place on this issue, and it isn't something that goes by school quality.
Definitely, however, don't start dating him while you are still his student. Wait until after the semester is over and grades have been submitted before asking him out, at a minimum.
And has been mentioned, if you guys do start dating (or are just flirting so obviously that everyone can tell), people may assume that you are fucking your way to a degree. If that bothers you, don't date the prof. That said, people do this all the time, and it's not generally a big deal at all as long as people avoid obvious impropriety.
posted by Forktine at 7:32 AM on April 8, 2010
IAAP, I am not 50 so IANYP.
To me, a lot of whether this is "OH SHIT NO" versus "This will be a nontrivial pain in the ass for both of you to manage" depends on what kind of program you're in. If you're pursuing another undergraduate degree: OH SHIT NO. Wait until you know you will never, ever take a course from him again, and then and only then ask him out.
If you're in an academic graduate program, things get less clear. It's certainly not the norm, but romantic relationships or marriage between professors and graduate students is not THAT uncommon. It would require management, though. It would FOR SURE mean that you don't get to take a class from this dude, ever again. This will carry on to make it hard for you to work in the same field or subfield as he does -- he wouldn't be able to sit on your committee, write or read comp questions from you, write letters for you, all that stuff.
If you're pursuing a professional degree: I don't know about that, but my sense from the outside is that many professional programs are closer in spirit to "radically advanced undergraduate" than they are to academic graduate work in terms of the relationship between student and faculty. So my reaction would be closer to OH SHIT NO unless someone from a graduate professional program chimes in.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:36 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
To me, a lot of whether this is "OH SHIT NO" versus "This will be a nontrivial pain in the ass for both of you to manage" depends on what kind of program you're in. If you're pursuing another undergraduate degree: OH SHIT NO. Wait until you know you will never, ever take a course from him again, and then and only then ask him out.
If you're in an academic graduate program, things get less clear. It's certainly not the norm, but romantic relationships or marriage between professors and graduate students is not THAT uncommon. It would require management, though. It would FOR SURE mean that you don't get to take a class from this dude, ever again. This will carry on to make it hard for you to work in the same field or subfield as he does -- he wouldn't be able to sit on your committee, write or read comp questions from you, write letters for you, all that stuff.
If you're pursuing a professional degree: I don't know about that, but my sense from the outside is that many professional programs are closer in spirit to "radically advanced undergraduate" than they are to academic graduate work in terms of the relationship between student and faculty. So my reaction would be closer to OH SHIT NO unless someone from a graduate professional program chimes in.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:36 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't do anything that risks the possibility that you will appear inappropriate lest someone might judge you or give you some minor punishment oh my!
Nah, have fun, you're both adults. In the game of Don't Break the Rules, the only thing you win is Regret.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:38 AM on April 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
Nah, have fun, you're both adults. In the game of Don't Break the Rules, the only thing you win is Regret.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:38 AM on April 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
In the game of Don't Break the Rules, the only thing you win is Regret.
In most situations I'd agree with you, but in this game of Break The Rules, the professor could lose his job and academic reputation.
posted by oinopaponton at 7:49 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
In most situations I'd agree with you, but in this game of Break The Rules, the professor could lose his job and academic reputation.
posted by oinopaponton at 7:49 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Agreeing here with Potomac Avenue. You are an adult, and you can choose whom you want to date.
It seems that there's a streak of authority worship here on Ask MeFi when it comes to dating a boss or a professor, and people insist these types of relationships are off limits--especially if there is a written policy against senior-junior relationships.
Well, screw that. Although these policies might be a good guide to what one should consider when contemplating a relationship (lord knows, power dynamics ARE abused all the time), you should do what you think is right.
A company just wants to make money, and doesn't give a fig about the employee (in most cases, anyway).
A school just wants to avoid lawsuits and the like, and doesn't give a fig about the student's love life.
You are an adult. You are free do do what you want (within legal limits of course). Try to be ethical. Watch out for the negative consequences of your decisions (which there might well be, especially when dating a professor). But don't pass by a potential wonderful thing just because it's against the rules.
(Waiting five weeks might be the solution, too, but that's up to you!)
posted by mixer at 7:50 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
It seems that there's a streak of authority worship here on Ask MeFi when it comes to dating a boss or a professor, and people insist these types of relationships are off limits--especially if there is a written policy against senior-junior relationships.
Well, screw that. Although these policies might be a good guide to what one should consider when contemplating a relationship (lord knows, power dynamics ARE abused all the time), you should do what you think is right.
A company just wants to make money, and doesn't give a fig about the employee (in most cases, anyway).
A school just wants to avoid lawsuits and the like, and doesn't give a fig about the student's love life.
You are an adult. You are free do do what you want (within legal limits of course). Try to be ethical. Watch out for the negative consequences of your decisions (which there might well be, especially when dating a professor). But don't pass by a potential wonderful thing just because it's against the rules.
(Waiting five weeks might be the solution, too, but that's up to you!)
posted by mixer at 7:50 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Quit flirting in class, wait until you have received your grades for all the classes you've taken or will take with him and ask him out. Note that if you do ask him out, you can never use him as a reference.
Many but not all schools have rules against professors sleeping with students who are currently in their classes, and most schools look on it negatively even if they don't have these rules.
posted by jeather at 7:52 AM on April 8, 2010
Many but not all schools have rules against professors sleeping with students who are currently in their classes, and most schools look on it negatively even if they don't have these rules.
posted by jeather at 7:52 AM on April 8, 2010
For those who are saying to wait 5 weeks, notice this:
I will probably have one more class with him next semester.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:53 AM on April 8, 2010
I will probably have one more class with him next semester.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:53 AM on April 8, 2010
Date him but don't take his classes (or wait till after).
Two good friends of mine got together this way (She asked out her professor). I am going to their wedding in a month and they are super happy.
posted by special-k at 8:02 AM on April 8, 2010
Two good friends of mine got together this way (She asked out her professor). I am going to their wedding in a month and they are super happy.
posted by special-k at 8:02 AM on April 8, 2010
Jaltcoh is right.
Ask him out now.
Jaltcoh did not say to ask him out now. Jaltcoh said not to pursue things at all.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:04 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ask him out now.
Jaltcoh did not say to ask him out now. Jaltcoh said not to pursue things at all.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:04 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you want to date the kind of man who would date a student currently in his class, exposing himself and you to malicious gossip and accusations that you haven't earned your grades? Whether it's forbidden by university rules or not (and I certainly hope that it is), it's unethical. Wait until you're no longer in his class and have no plans to take more classes with him, and then ask him out for coffee. If he says no, respect that he's uncomfortable crossing that boundary with any student, even a student not in his class. If you ask him out now and he says yes (or worse, if he makes a move on you) it's a sign that he's a sleazy guy you don't want to be dating anyway. So assume the best of him and wait until there's no longer a conflict of interest.
posted by decathecting at 8:05 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 8:05 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
hmmm let me see if I get this straight, g-rated touching to/from a 50 year old professor with whom your only personal connection is after class talks? And you think he's never done the same with other students? Forget the academic issue; even if you wait till you have left school ... this is a loser.
posted by Bet Glenn at 8:07 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Bet Glenn at 8:07 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
By the way, if you're in a small graduate program or a close-knit field, I absolutely wouldn't do this under any circumstances. At least in graduate programs I'm aware of, when a male professor dates his female student, even if they fall in love and get married and live happily ever after, it almost always turns out that the male professor escapes virtually unscathed, while the female student has a permanent tarnish on her future academic career. Call it sexist, call it authority worship, whatever. Everyone will find out, and for the rest of your career, you'll be "that girl who seduced Prof. So-and-So," and your accomplishments will be constantly called into question.
posted by decathecting at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
He might be a friendly, touchy-feely gay guy. Ask him out when you are done with school and see what happens then.
posted by Carol Anne at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
IAAP; IANYP.
Jaltcoh is right. DON'T ask him out now. Or don't take that class from him next semester. Regardless of all the general complexities, questions about university policy, etc.: you CAN'T date him while you're in a class he's teaching. That is so bad, and every university I've ever been associated with does have a policy about that.
Someone you're fucking can't grade you. Period.
posted by kestrel251 at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Jaltcoh is right. DON'T ask him out now. Or don't take that class from him next semester. Regardless of all the general complexities, questions about university policy, etc.: you CAN'T date him while you're in a class he's teaching. That is so bad, and every university I've ever been associated with does have a policy about that.
Someone you're fucking can't grade you. Period.
posted by kestrel251 at 8:09 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Even if your institution doesn't outright forbid student-teacher smoochiness, there might be restrictions set down about it (and they're pretty much guaranteed to include 'not while you're teaching that student'). I worked in one department where it was allowed if and only if the academic member of staff in question formally declared the relationship to the department. The given reason for that was so that the department could be sure the member of staff was never in a position to evaluate the student's work, although many of us suspected it worked pretty well as a way to seriously discourage any such relationships at all (the forbidden-fruit appeal of students seriously plummets if you imagine having to go and tell all the secretaries that you're getting it on with one of them).
Also... I've had quite a few students flirt with me, and so has everyone else I know who's taught at a university. It's pretty common, and I know many, many an academic who's enjoyed flirting back, in the safe comforting knowledge that nothing could ever happen because hey, it's a student. He might well be flirting like crazy with you, with no intentions of having it go any further.
posted by Catseye at 8:16 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also... I've had quite a few students flirt with me, and so has everyone else I know who's taught at a university. It's pretty common, and I know many, many an academic who's enjoyed flirting back, in the safe comforting knowledge that nothing could ever happen because hey, it's a student. He might well be flirting like crazy with you, with no intentions of having it go any further.
posted by Catseye at 8:16 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've worked in administrative positions in higher-ed. While a school may not have an explicit publicly stated policy about faculty/student relations it is, almost universally, frowned upon.
If exposed the instructor will almost certainly face either punitive measures or professional discredit. It could be as benign as his contract not being renewed or as serious as loss of tenure.
Personally, if everyone is an adult, I don't agree with this but a lot of schools have dealt with extremely messy situations that arise due to lax policy in this area (which often necessitates drafting one).
I'd steer clear.
posted by purephase at 8:18 AM on April 8, 2010
If exposed the instructor will almost certainly face either punitive measures or professional discredit. It could be as benign as his contract not being renewed or as serious as loss of tenure.
Personally, if everyone is an adult, I don't agree with this but a lot of schools have dealt with extremely messy situations that arise due to lax policy in this area (which often necessitates drafting one).
I'd steer clear.
posted by purephase at 8:18 AM on April 8, 2010
Bad. Idea.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:25 AM on April 8, 2010
posted by craven_morhead at 8:25 AM on April 8, 2010
If the next five weeks continue positively, and he doesn't ask me on a date, I can ask him on a date, right? I am really not worried about gossip but I wouldn't want to jeopardize his job.
After the class is over? Sure. He's an adult. He may not be comfortable with it because the college culture may frown on it or overtly ban it, but you should respect him enough as a professional to let him look out for his own career.
That said, you should look out for your own. In my experience working a community college with working professional students who will l as well as traditional students, I found that the interactions between faculty and students was more casual than it seems to be at the university I work for now. But that doesn't mean there aren't still young and immature students who will look askance at anything approaching a relationship of equals between student and teacher. It probably wouldn't cause you any harm - these are not the people you can network with there - but it could make being there a little unpleasant.
But I agree with others that if you know you are going to HAVE to take a class under this fellow in the future you should tread carefully. There is simply no way you can take a class from a person you're romantically involved with and have it be above-board, no matter how appropriately you attempt to conduct yourselves. And grod knows it would be unpleasant if you've ENDED a relationship with him before that class.
But hey, you say you're in a big city. There's a decent chance the school has reciprocal agreements with other local institutions and you could possibly take the class there. Could be way more difficult and/or expensive, but if you really think there's something worth pursuing with this guy then I say that's worth considering. If you're willing to suffer the consequences then wait till the class is over and ask him out.
But remember that at the moment the last class ends he's still your professor - he'll have some time to submit grades. You should wait till grades are in and then call or email him.
posted by phearlez at 8:27 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
After the class is over? Sure. He's an adult. He may not be comfortable with it because the college culture may frown on it or overtly ban it, but you should respect him enough as a professional to let him look out for his own career.
That said, you should look out for your own. In my experience working a community college with working professional students who will l as well as traditional students, I found that the interactions between faculty and students was more casual than it seems to be at the university I work for now. But that doesn't mean there aren't still young and immature students who will look askance at anything approaching a relationship of equals between student and teacher. It probably wouldn't cause you any harm - these are not the people you can network with there - but it could make being there a little unpleasant.
But I agree with others that if you know you are going to HAVE to take a class under this fellow in the future you should tread carefully. There is simply no way you can take a class from a person you're romantically involved with and have it be above-board, no matter how appropriately you attempt to conduct yourselves. And grod knows it would be unpleasant if you've ENDED a relationship with him before that class.
But hey, you say you're in a big city. There's a decent chance the school has reciprocal agreements with other local institutions and you could possibly take the class there. Could be way more difficult and/or expensive, but if you really think there's something worth pursuing with this guy then I say that's worth considering. If you're willing to suffer the consequences then wait till the class is over and ask him out.
But remember that at the moment the last class ends he's still your professor - he'll have some time to submit grades. You should wait till grades are in and then call or email him.
posted by phearlez at 8:27 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
How do you get along with all of your exes? Imagine having your GPA dependent on one of them. If that thought made you flinch, then wait until you graduate to ask him out.
posted by 8dot3 at 8:48 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by 8dot3 at 8:48 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
If this goes south, and it can in so many ways, it can end his career. Dating a student is a one-way ticket to being an ex-professor if the administration finds out in my neck of the woods. An individual I used to collaborate with had this happen to him recently. He's never going to work in an acadmic setting ever again. His department head, a very well connected individual, is doing his best to ensure that. Based on the he said, she said story that came out in the hearing, I don't really have a problem with that. I don't know what happened, but both (still) student and ex-prof are pretty radioactive right now.
Dating an undergraduate who is not one's direct student can work, but you do need to be fairly discreet.
Call him only after you've got your marks. You don't want this in front of the university senate.
posted by bonehead at 9:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dating an undergraduate who is not one's direct student can work, but you do need to be fairly discreet.
Call him only after you've got your marks. You don't want this in front of the university senate.
posted by bonehead at 9:25 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
50-year-old male academics who've never been married and have no kids are almost certainly GAY, my dear.
I had this happen to me when I was a 31-year-old professor but it still grates: I started to get anonymous emails from a female student who could have been you. She wrote about the "connection" she felt with me in class, how kind and sexy I was and so forth I was and how she can't wait for the term to end so we could share the passion that the deluded, and frankly nuts, thing imagined we shared. The letters freaked the shit out of me and I was terrified of two things: one was that this crazy, obsessed student would do something vindictive if I didn't reciprocate her affections (and the emails got more graphic and more creepy as the semester wore on). The other fear that I had was that this at a university in Alabama where I had to stay in the closet as I had zero job protection as a gay man, and I was worried that not reciprocating might somehow result in my being outed, or at least by the woman starting rumours (which would have been true) about how I MUST be a faggot. Just like you, she somehow got the goods on me being single and never married- how, I have no idea, but she did some stalking, and so I was very worried that she would inevitably find out I was gay and really make my life there intolerable.
So the repercussions for you, hot for your likely gay professor. are actually pretty trivial. Especially at a community college- it's not as if this poor man is directing your dissertation. But the repercussions for him could be career-ending, or worse, so leave the man alone.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
I had this happen to me when I was a 31-year-old professor but it still grates: I started to get anonymous emails from a female student who could have been you. She wrote about the "connection" she felt with me in class, how kind and sexy I was and so forth I was and how she can't wait for the term to end so we could share the passion that the deluded, and frankly nuts, thing imagined we shared. The letters freaked the shit out of me and I was terrified of two things: one was that this crazy, obsessed student would do something vindictive if I didn't reciprocate her affections (and the emails got more graphic and more creepy as the semester wore on). The other fear that I had was that this at a university in Alabama where I had to stay in the closet as I had zero job protection as a gay man, and I was worried that not reciprocating might somehow result in my being outed, or at least by the woman starting rumours (which would have been true) about how I MUST be a faggot. Just like you, she somehow got the goods on me being single and never married- how, I have no idea, but she did some stalking, and so I was very worried that she would inevitably find out I was gay and really make my life there intolerable.
So the repercussions for you, hot for your likely gay professor. are actually pretty trivial. Especially at a community college- it's not as if this poor man is directing your dissertation. But the repercussions for him could be career-ending, or worse, so leave the man alone.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
50-year-old male academics who've never been married and have no kids are almost certainly GAY, my dear.
*just wanted to point out that my SO is a 60 year old male academic, who has never been married, has no kids, and is most certainly straight*
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:44 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
*just wanted to point out that my SO is a 60 year old male academic, who has never been married, has no kids, and is most certainly straight*
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:44 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
50-year-old male academics who've never been married and have no kids are almost certainly GAY
Maybe he is gay. Or, maybe he just never liked the idea of getting married or having children. There are some good reasons not to do those things even if you're not gay.
We don't know what this guy's sexuality is; we can't assume his priorities about children and marriage conform to ours; we've never met him; and the best we can do is defer to the one person here who has met him and feels there's some male/female sexual chemistry going on.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:49 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe he is gay. Or, maybe he just never liked the idea of getting married or having children. There are some good reasons not to do those things even if you're not gay.
We don't know what this guy's sexuality is; we can't assume his priorities about children and marriage conform to ours; we've never met him; and the best we can do is defer to the one person here who has met him and feels there's some male/female sexual chemistry going on.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:49 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
IAAP, and I am old enough to be YP, and I am not married but I know very well several couples who began as student-teacher pairs. They're the lucky ones, and you should pay attention to all the advice above. Not "waiting" until he's not YP not only puts his job at risk, possibly, but also potentially whatever relationship you're risking it for.
That said, sounds like you should figure out how to make him not YP ASAP, so you can ask him out. If something does happen while he's still YP, you want to know what the policies are to minimize harm to both of you; your school may have provisions for handling consensual relations that work to remove his potential authority over you, like turning your grading over to someone else. Or maybe not.
Prepare yourself for finding out he's gay or otherwise taken, and wait if you can. Otherwise, "aw...young love!" --best wishes.
posted by Mngo at 10:51 AM on April 8, 2010
That said, sounds like you should figure out how to make him not YP ASAP, so you can ask him out. If something does happen while he's still YP, you want to know what the policies are to minimize harm to both of you; your school may have provisions for handling consensual relations that work to remove his potential authority over you, like turning your grading over to someone else. Or maybe not.
Prepare yourself for finding out he's gay or otherwise taken, and wait if you can. Otherwise, "aw...young love!" --best wishes.
posted by Mngo at 10:51 AM on April 8, 2010
Wow. If you live in the US, by making advances or flirting with him you are endangering his job, his livelihood and his professional reputation. Even the appearance of impropriety (to another student in your class, another professor, anyone in the school administration, etc.) can ruin a professor's career, or bankrupt him with legal fees. I've got college professors in the family; they tell me this is the reality of modern college life. This will also hold true for your employer when you're unleashed on the world.
When you're no longer a student, or at least his student, you can do whatever the hell you want, but for now realize that you sound fairly blithe about doing things that could really bring chaos to someone's life.
posted by tula at 11:17 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
When you're no longer a student, or at least his student, you can do whatever the hell you want, but for now realize that you sound fairly blithe about doing things that could really bring chaos to someone's life.
posted by tula at 11:17 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
"He's 50 ... he's never been married and doesn't have kids."
I dated my 50-year-old professor who'd never been married and didn't have kids (about a year after I was no longer his student). It turned out the reason he'd never been married was that he was pretty much impossible to be in a relationship with, for some of the same reasons that he was attracted to being a professor (he liked to lecture people, always be in control of the room/group, and not have his opinions challenged).
YMMV.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:30 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I dated my 50-year-old professor who'd never been married and didn't have kids (about a year after I was no longer his student). It turned out the reason he'd never been married was that he was pretty much impossible to be in a relationship with, for some of the same reasons that he was attracted to being a professor (he liked to lecture people, always be in control of the room/group, and not have his opinions challenged).
YMMV.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:30 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Most institutions worth a damn have pretty strict rules about this sort of thing.
Echoing the "not necessarily." Yale just enacted a strict policy of no fraternization at all between faculty and undergrads, after having had virtually no policy for many years. My own exalted school prohibits relationships where there is a direct supervisory or evaluative relationship, and "discourages" relationships in other cases, but does not ban them. A lot of the stricter policies out there stem from a relatively hysterical period of uproar about this issue in the 90s. Know your own institution's policy and never break it, of course. But the blanket condemnation in some of the remarks above is silly. I know of many professors who are happily married to former students, or to students who weren't their own (in both directions, gender wise, to boot).
Some of us believe two consenting adults who are not in a direct relationship of supervision or evaluation should be able to decide for themselves who they fuck. Ironically, a lot of people who believe that with respect to most other domains of human activity are among the most moralistic and supercilious when it comes to this issue. College students -- and most especially the increasingly common "non traditional" and older students, but really all of them -- are adults, over the age of 18, and able to make informed decisions about their own sexuality. Most faculty members are not predators, either. As with *any* other professional setting, romances between colleagues with supervisory/subordinate relationships to each other are a bad idea. But what if no one working in, say, the chemical industry could ever date anyone younger also working in that industry, or at the same company?
Get off your high horses, people. Universities are as much a part of the real world as anywhere else. People are attracted, fall in love, get crushes, and all the rest. It's not a monastery.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:40 AM on April 8, 2010 [8 favorites]
Echoing the "not necessarily." Yale just enacted a strict policy of no fraternization at all between faculty and undergrads, after having had virtually no policy for many years. My own exalted school prohibits relationships where there is a direct supervisory or evaluative relationship, and "discourages" relationships in other cases, but does not ban them. A lot of the stricter policies out there stem from a relatively hysterical period of uproar about this issue in the 90s. Know your own institution's policy and never break it, of course. But the blanket condemnation in some of the remarks above is silly. I know of many professors who are happily married to former students, or to students who weren't their own (in both directions, gender wise, to boot).
Some of us believe two consenting adults who are not in a direct relationship of supervision or evaluation should be able to decide for themselves who they fuck. Ironically, a lot of people who believe that with respect to most other domains of human activity are among the most moralistic and supercilious when it comes to this issue. College students -- and most especially the increasingly common "non traditional" and older students, but really all of them -- are adults, over the age of 18, and able to make informed decisions about their own sexuality. Most faculty members are not predators, either. As with *any* other professional setting, romances between colleagues with supervisory/subordinate relationships to each other are a bad idea. But what if no one working in, say, the chemical industry could ever date anyone younger also working in that industry, or at the same company?
Get off your high horses, people. Universities are as much a part of the real world as anywhere else. People are attracted, fall in love, get crushes, and all the rest. It's not a monastery.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:40 AM on April 8, 2010 [8 favorites]
er, whom they fuck! Me smart to.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:43 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:43 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
One thing that only one or two commenters have addressed is the fact that this is a community college, so the rules may be a little less strict. 1) Most community colleges only award two-year degrees, so your program isn't quite as long-term. 2) Students and professors come and go a lot more, 3) Many professors are actually masters-level instructors and aren't in the same type of academia as PhD profs at four-year universities.
I would look in your school's handbook for the rules on this. I would then ask the ombudsperson anonymously. In any event, don't date him or ask him out until you are 100% sure you will never be his student again. If you have to take a class from him next semester, don't ask him out until after that class is over (if you're even still interested).
Also, a lot of 50-year-old professors are flirts, especially with the actual adult students (not that 28 is old) because it's not seen as being as creepy as if they do it with the 18-early 20sish ones. I have observed some professors who I've had more than once pick out women they like best and flirt only with those ones.
posted by ishotjr at 1:59 PM on April 8, 2010
I would look in your school's handbook for the rules on this. I would then ask the ombudsperson anonymously. In any event, don't date him or ask him out until you are 100% sure you will never be his student again. If you have to take a class from him next semester, don't ask him out until after that class is over (if you're even still interested).
Also, a lot of 50-year-old professors are flirts, especially with the actual adult students (not that 28 is old) because it's not seen as being as creepy as if they do it with the 18-early 20sish ones. I have observed some professors who I've had more than once pick out women they like best and flirt only with those ones.
posted by ishotjr at 1:59 PM on April 8, 2010
"same type of academia"=same type of academic community with all the structure and the trying to get tenure and the politics and all that.
posted by ishotjr at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2010
Right now all you have a crush on your teacher, you don't even know if he wants to go out with you. Which given how universally this is frowned upon I'd be very surprised if he was prepared to put his reputation on the line in this way. And your flirting with him in class is going to be apparent to your classmates, which will piss them off and make the teacher look bad even if he doesn't want to go out with you. (I know of at least one professor whose career was damaged by a flirtation with a student which didn't go anywhere, academic gossip is utterly malicious and petty regardless of what the actual rules say.) So you really need to cool it in general. Focus on the work, finish your program, then worry about sleeping with your (now ex-) professors. Keeping in mind that yeah, once you ask him out all professional relationship is gone including the ability to ask him for references.
In the end it doesn't matter what the school's policies are, flirting with someone actively teaching you will damage both your reputations and will be widely talked about in negative terms. People hate that stuff, and rightly so because it's completely inappropriate for someone responsible for giving you grades to have any kind of extra relationship that will make them favour you over others. Maybe not a big deal for you as you move off into your the workplace, definitely a problem for him if he wants to continue teaching.
posted by shelleycat at 3:03 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
In the end it doesn't matter what the school's policies are, flirting with someone actively teaching you will damage both your reputations and will be widely talked about in negative terms. People hate that stuff, and rightly so because it's completely inappropriate for someone responsible for giving you grades to have any kind of extra relationship that will make them favour you over others. Maybe not a big deal for you as you move off into your the workplace, definitely a problem for him if he wants to continue teaching.
posted by shelleycat at 3:03 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel like two adults are allowed to date whoever they want. ...Right?
Yup. Neither of you will go to prison for this. The government doesn't care.
The question is, do your guys' peers care? Do you care if your peers care? If the answer to either of those questions is no, then go ahead.
Some of the posts above suggest this may damage your reputation or his career. Reputations can be repaired, and careers can be found elsewhere.
posted by jrockway at 3:13 PM on April 8, 2010
Yup. Neither of you will go to prison for this. The government doesn't care.
The question is, do your guys' peers care? Do you care if your peers care? If the answer to either of those questions is no, then go ahead.
Some of the posts above suggest this may damage your reputation or his career. Reputations can be repaired, and careers can be found elsewhere.
posted by jrockway at 3:13 PM on April 8, 2010
Neither of you will go to prison for this.
I don't think anyone is suggesting they're going to go to prison.
Some of the posts above suggest this may damage your reputation or his career. Reputations can be repaired, and careers can be found elsewhere.
This is a weird rationale. It's kind of hard to just pick up a new career or fix a reputation. What's much easier -- if you want to talk about things that "can be found elsewhere" -- is to find someone else to date.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think anyone is suggesting they're going to go to prison.
Some of the posts above suggest this may damage your reputation or his career. Reputations can be repaired, and careers can be found elsewhere.
This is a weird rationale. It's kind of hard to just pick up a new career or fix a reputation. What's much easier -- if you want to talk about things that "can be found elsewhere" -- is to find someone else to date.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Which given how universally this is frowned upon I'd be very surprised if he was prepared to put his reputation on the line in this way.
It's been said before, but it's worth reiterating: Prof/former-student relationships are not universally reviled, and are not necessarily a threat to his reputation, even supposing he was a traditional (phd/tenured/etc) academic, which is less common at a CC.
The asker definitely needs to chill out on the flirting, and not ask him out while a current student (or while planning to take more classes from him, ever). Anything beyond that depends on the actual circumstances -- what are the institution's policies? Will a relationship pose a threat to his career, or her degree prospects? All things we can't tell, without knowing more details than we have been given.
posted by Forktine at 3:26 PM on April 8, 2010
It's been said before, but it's worth reiterating: Prof/former-student relationships are not universally reviled, and are not necessarily a threat to his reputation, even supposing he was a traditional (phd/tenured/etc) academic, which is less common at a CC.
The asker definitely needs to chill out on the flirting, and not ask him out while a current student (or while planning to take more classes from him, ever). Anything beyond that depends on the actual circumstances -- what are the institution's policies? Will a relationship pose a threat to his career, or her degree prospects? All things we can't tell, without knowing more details than we have been given.
posted by Forktine at 3:26 PM on April 8, 2010
I had a professor who dated one of his students. He married her, in fact, and they lived a happy life together.... but they didn't date until after she'd taken her final class with him. If I were you, that's the approach I would take.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:39 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by 2oh1 at 3:39 PM on April 8, 2010
Prof/former-student relationships are not universally reviled,
Except that this is a professor / CURRENT student relationship she's proposing, which really is looked down upon widely. It doesn't matter if the particular school itself thinks it's OK (which would really surprise me), the wider academic community doesn't like it, the other students in the class won't like it (for good reason), and it will be talked about negatively.
Former student + professor is more murky, yeah, and many places will allow that. But it has to be very clearly a former student with no further academic ties between them.
posted by shelleycat at 4:13 PM on April 8, 2010
Except that this is a professor / CURRENT student relationship she's proposing, which really is looked down upon widely. It doesn't matter if the particular school itself thinks it's OK (which would really surprise me), the wider academic community doesn't like it, the other students in the class won't like it (for good reason), and it will be talked about negatively.
Former student + professor is more murky, yeah, and many places will allow that. But it has to be very clearly a former student with no further academic ties between them.
posted by shelleycat at 4:13 PM on April 8, 2010
My professor friends say this is OK when the class is over. Why don't you wait until you get your final grade. You don't want him to get in trouble, right?
posted by bananafish at 11:16 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by bananafish at 11:16 PM on April 8, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:19 AM on April 8, 2010 [5 favorites]