Should a (probable) asexual still date?
March 6, 2010 11:19 PM Subscribe
I am asexual (I think) but I still get strong feelings for people. Should I still pursue relationships?
I'm a 23-year-old female, and in the past few years I've decided that I'm most likely asexual. I get attracted to people (almost always men, but there have been a couple women) and have romantic feelings for them on the basis on both personality and aesthetics, but I never actually want to have sex with them.
I don't really have a libido, and I don't enjoy porn, erotica, or my hand. I've kissed/made out with several people, and found it sometimes enjoyable, sometimes boring, but never felt anything in the realm of I WANT TO SCREW THIS PERSON NOW. I've had one real boyfriend, and we got to foreplay but not actual intercourse, and while my body responded properly, I was bored and disinterested. From everything I've read about asexuality, I fit the bill.
Whenever I find myself interested in someone, I'm caught in a dilemma as to whether or not to actually pursue a relationship. I usually end up flirting with them because I like them and then panickedly acting cold and distant when I can tell that they're into me, too. I have an acquaintance that I really like right now who seems to be into me as well, and I don't want to repeat the same cycle but I have no idea how I should act around him.
I'd be willing to have sex with an S/O, but from everything I've read from sexual people, being willing is just not enough. And I can't possibly see myself indulging a partner's kinks or even doing something like anal - I imagine that the 'ick factor' of such things are mitigated by sexual attraction, and since I have none, it just seems gross to me. And even things I'd be willing to do like intercourse and oral I have no experience with, so I can't see anyone actually wanting to sleep with me. I mean, a 23-year-old virgin is bad enough, I'd imagine, let alone a 23-year-old sexually apathetic virgin.
What the hell do I do? Should I just resign myself to singledom and not flirt with people I like? Or should I give a relationship - like with my current acquaintance crush - a shot and try having sex? How do I tell someone I'm dating about my great sexual apathy?
Thanks in advance. Throwaway email is confusedasexualgirl [at] disposeamail.com
I'm a 23-year-old female, and in the past few years I've decided that I'm most likely asexual. I get attracted to people (almost always men, but there have been a couple women) and have romantic feelings for them on the basis on both personality and aesthetics, but I never actually want to have sex with them.
I don't really have a libido, and I don't enjoy porn, erotica, or my hand. I've kissed/made out with several people, and found it sometimes enjoyable, sometimes boring, but never felt anything in the realm of I WANT TO SCREW THIS PERSON NOW. I've had one real boyfriend, and we got to foreplay but not actual intercourse, and while my body responded properly, I was bored and disinterested. From everything I've read about asexuality, I fit the bill.
Whenever I find myself interested in someone, I'm caught in a dilemma as to whether or not to actually pursue a relationship. I usually end up flirting with them because I like them and then panickedly acting cold and distant when I can tell that they're into me, too. I have an acquaintance that I really like right now who seems to be into me as well, and I don't want to repeat the same cycle but I have no idea how I should act around him.
I'd be willing to have sex with an S/O, but from everything I've read from sexual people, being willing is just not enough. And I can't possibly see myself indulging a partner's kinks or even doing something like anal - I imagine that the 'ick factor' of such things are mitigated by sexual attraction, and since I have none, it just seems gross to me. And even things I'd be willing to do like intercourse and oral I have no experience with, so I can't see anyone actually wanting to sleep with me. I mean, a 23-year-old virgin is bad enough, I'd imagine, let alone a 23-year-old sexually apathetic virgin.
What the hell do I do? Should I just resign myself to singledom and not flirt with people I like? Or should I give a relationship - like with my current acquaintance crush - a shot and try having sex? How do I tell someone I'm dating about my great sexual apathy?
Thanks in advance. Throwaway email is confusedasexualgirl [at] disposeamail.com
You shouldn't ever resign yourself to anything you're unhappy about. All human beings, regardless of their sexual appetites, are social to some extent, and want to form lasting bonds and relationships. You shouldn't find a box you like the look of and stick yourself in it; you should be actively pursuing what makes you happy. If having a romantic relationship with someone but not having sex with them is what you really want, then that's what you should try to find.
I also want to say that being a 23 year old virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, or secretive about. You can be any age virgin and you shouldn't consider it a failure on your part, especially since, in your case, having sex hasn't been something you're interested in. It's very possible that you just haven't hit a point in your life and your physical maturation where you want to have sex or fool around. People go through phases of higher and lower sex drives, and not everybody wants the same things at the same ages.
If sex is not something you want right now, you can own it and discuss it and make sure you're happy with it, but be willing to accept that you may change, just like people who want to have a new partner every week can suddenly want to settle down with a partner for life, or previously child-free people can desperately want kids. You might suddenly want to try your hand at this kissing and sex thing, and then a few years later lose the urge again. What I'm trying to say is, you can't know yourself through and through like you seem to want to when life is a series of constantly discovering new things about yourself and the world around you.
You might be surprised at the reactions you get if you are open and honest about not desiring a physically intimate relationship. My advice is to be very upfront about it; make sure your friends know, too, so when the inevitable match-making attempts come, they can prime potential dates for you and keep eyes open for people who might be amenable to your preferences. Not every guy out there is constantly thinking about sex, or even comfortable making out. The desire to be strongly liked, and flirted with, and to spend enjoyable time in the company of a mutual admirer is far more universal than matching sex drives.
posted by Mizu at 11:44 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also want to say that being a 23 year old virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, or secretive about. You can be any age virgin and you shouldn't consider it a failure on your part, especially since, in your case, having sex hasn't been something you're interested in. It's very possible that you just haven't hit a point in your life and your physical maturation where you want to have sex or fool around. People go through phases of higher and lower sex drives, and not everybody wants the same things at the same ages.
If sex is not something you want right now, you can own it and discuss it and make sure you're happy with it, but be willing to accept that you may change, just like people who want to have a new partner every week can suddenly want to settle down with a partner for life, or previously child-free people can desperately want kids. You might suddenly want to try your hand at this kissing and sex thing, and then a few years later lose the urge again. What I'm trying to say is, you can't know yourself through and through like you seem to want to when life is a series of constantly discovering new things about yourself and the world around you.
You might be surprised at the reactions you get if you are open and honest about not desiring a physically intimate relationship. My advice is to be very upfront about it; make sure your friends know, too, so when the inevitable match-making attempts come, they can prime potential dates for you and keep eyes open for people who might be amenable to your preferences. Not every guy out there is constantly thinking about sex, or even comfortable making out. The desire to be strongly liked, and flirted with, and to spend enjoyable time in the company of a mutual admirer is far more universal than matching sex drives.
posted by Mizu at 11:44 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Explaining to a potential partner that you are asexual could be a great litmus test for douchbaggery. If you tell someone who you have little or no interest in a sexual relationship and they posit that:
(a) you are frigid or just a prude
(b) that somehow their cock is special and will change you
(c) that you need "fixing" (therapy, testosterone injections, a vibrator etc)
you know they are an asshat and not worth your time.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:58 PM on March 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
(a) you are frigid or just a prude
(b) that somehow their cock is special and will change you
(c) that you need "fixing" (therapy, testosterone injections, a vibrator etc)
you know they are an asshat and not worth your time.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:58 PM on March 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
What the hell do I do? Should I just resign myself to singledom and not flirt with people I like?
I mean this seriously, and not as a jab: what do you want out of "non-singledom", if not fucking?
If it's the sort of committed partnership couples have, then you may be looking for a while, yeah. For most people, sex is part of the deal. But, there are asexual men (and other women) whom you might find. I'm sure the internet could put you in contact with some of them if you wanted.
One thing that might mitigate your asexuality with a sexual person is not demanding sexual fidelity, only emotional fidelity. So, if sex isn't important to you, let him (or her) find it on the side when necessary. The number of people who'll go for this is also kinda slim. But they can also be found on the internet.
One thing that I beg of you is that you not fake liking sex initially with the expectation that your partner's desire for sex will necessarily decrease over time. It might, but it's unlikely to be zero ever. And, as you say, being willing just isn't enough. (And it's not (just) kink indulgence either; it's the difference between a connecting emotional experience, and masturbation with a warm doll.)
posted by Netzapper at 12:00 AM on March 7, 2010
I mean this seriously, and not as a jab: what do you want out of "non-singledom", if not fucking?
If it's the sort of committed partnership couples have, then you may be looking for a while, yeah. For most people, sex is part of the deal. But, there are asexual men (and other women) whom you might find. I'm sure the internet could put you in contact with some of them if you wanted.
One thing that might mitigate your asexuality with a sexual person is not demanding sexual fidelity, only emotional fidelity. So, if sex isn't important to you, let him (or her) find it on the side when necessary. The number of people who'll go for this is also kinda slim. But they can also be found on the internet.
One thing that I beg of you is that you not fake liking sex initially with the expectation that your partner's desire for sex will necessarily decrease over time. It might, but it's unlikely to be zero ever. And, as you say, being willing just isn't enough. (And it's not (just) kink indulgence either; it's the difference between a connecting emotional experience, and masturbation with a warm doll.)
posted by Netzapper at 12:00 AM on March 7, 2010
A couple things:
1. Being a 23-year old virgin is no big deal at all. Seriously. It is pretty much NOT going to be a problem for anyone you're considering having sex with; in fact, I think many people would find it kind of nice and be honoured that you're going to find out about this stuff with them.
2. I think kinks are way less common in the general population than the media would have us believe. Maybe not in big cities or among heavy internet users or very liberal populations- I bet they tend to be fairly kinky- but I suspect most people on this planet actually have pretty vanilla sex lives.
3. You definitely don't have to do anything kinky you don't want to do, and you'd still be able to find a partner who'd be totally fine with that. I know a lot of people with VERY clear boundaries around what they'll try- and most of them have had no problems finding partners.
4. You might like sex more if you were in a relationship.
5. You might not.
6. Either way, I think you may as well go for this guy and see how it goes. Try not to think about it too hard. Take things at a comfortable pace (err on the side of too slow), communicate a lot about any anxieties or questions you have, try things when/if you want to. Just go with the flow for a while and see how it feels. Try different things a few times, if you can- sometimes variations in mood and timing will make all the difference.
7. Think of sex as "vegetables". You can't really say "I don't like vegetables", nor can you eat one brussels sprout and draw conclusions about how you feel about vegetables from that. What about buttery corn on the cob? What about crisp celery with Cheez Whiz? What about French fries? All these things are vegetables- there are lots of ways to enjoy vegetables. And if I gave you a crappy flavourless grainy tomato, that still wouldn't compare to an organic heirloom tomato, eaten in slices off a sun-warmed knife with a pinch of salt while you stand in the field it grew in. Basically, don't rush to conclusions! There is probably a vegetable out there for you!
8. If it turns out you have a sex drive that just needed to be found with the right person, awesome.
9. If it turns out you really are asexual, that's awesome too- and after some experimentation (maybe with more than just one person, too) you'll know that and can move forward from there. Just take your time in finding out.
Conlusion: Go for the guy!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:24 AM on March 7, 2010 [18 favorites]
1. Being a 23-year old virgin is no big deal at all. Seriously. It is pretty much NOT going to be a problem for anyone you're considering having sex with; in fact, I think many people would find it kind of nice and be honoured that you're going to find out about this stuff with them.
2. I think kinks are way less common in the general population than the media would have us believe. Maybe not in big cities or among heavy internet users or very liberal populations- I bet they tend to be fairly kinky- but I suspect most people on this planet actually have pretty vanilla sex lives.
3. You definitely don't have to do anything kinky you don't want to do, and you'd still be able to find a partner who'd be totally fine with that. I know a lot of people with VERY clear boundaries around what they'll try- and most of them have had no problems finding partners.
4. You might like sex more if you were in a relationship.
5. You might not.
6. Either way, I think you may as well go for this guy and see how it goes. Try not to think about it too hard. Take things at a comfortable pace (err on the side of too slow), communicate a lot about any anxieties or questions you have, try things when/if you want to. Just go with the flow for a while and see how it feels. Try different things a few times, if you can- sometimes variations in mood and timing will make all the difference.
7. Think of sex as "vegetables". You can't really say "I don't like vegetables", nor can you eat one brussels sprout and draw conclusions about how you feel about vegetables from that. What about buttery corn on the cob? What about crisp celery with Cheez Whiz? What about French fries? All these things are vegetables- there are lots of ways to enjoy vegetables. And if I gave you a crappy flavourless grainy tomato, that still wouldn't compare to an organic heirloom tomato, eaten in slices off a sun-warmed knife with a pinch of salt while you stand in the field it grew in. Basically, don't rush to conclusions! There is probably a vegetable out there for you!
8. If it turns out you have a sex drive that just needed to be found with the right person, awesome.
9. If it turns out you really are asexual, that's awesome too- and after some experimentation (maybe with more than just one person, too) you'll know that and can move forward from there. Just take your time in finding out.
Conlusion: Go for the guy!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:24 AM on March 7, 2010 [18 favorites]
panickedly acting cold and distant when I can tell that they're into me, too
this might be getting in the way of your sexuality.
posted by rhizome at 12:27 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
this might be getting in the way of your sexuality.
posted by rhizome at 12:27 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
And even things I'd be willing to do like intercourse and oral I have no experience with, so I can't see anyone actually wanting to sleep with me.
You're 23. Let's be frank here: if you're 23 and you're wiling to "do like intercourse and oral", guys being guys will find that hot. So you'll have no problem finding a guy who is into that.
If you want to give it a shot -- and let's continue being frank, the first time will be disappointing, and so will the next several times -- just give it a shot.
And if you don't, don't.
Sex is like anything else, an acquired taste. It gets better as you get better at it, which (generally) takes experience, which means taking a chance.
Don't overthink it.
posted by orthogonality at 12:45 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
You're 23. Let's be frank here: if you're 23 and you're wiling to "do like intercourse and oral", guys being guys will find that hot. So you'll have no problem finding a guy who is into that.
If you want to give it a shot -- and let's continue being frank, the first time will be disappointing, and so will the next several times -- just give it a shot.
And if you don't, don't.
Sex is like anything else, an acquired taste. It gets better as you get better at it, which (generally) takes experience, which means taking a chance.
Don't overthink it.
posted by orthogonality at 12:45 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
I just broke up with someone who told me, 3 months in, that he was asexual. It's a shot pursuing relationships but please be honest with your partner as soon as you think you have the potential to be serious. Not everyone wants to be with someone who doesn't desire them sexually; for me and my relationship, it was deal breaker, and I wish he had told me from the get-go.
That said, don't knock it til you try it. Maybe you just need to find someone you click with before you feel that urge.
posted by canadia at 1:23 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
That said, don't knock it til you try it. Maybe you just need to find someone you click with before you feel that urge.
posted by canadia at 1:23 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
orthogonality: "If you want to give it a shot -- and let's continue being frank, the first time will be disappointing, and so will the next several times -- just give it a shot.
And if you don't, don't."
This. Exactly this. I was intensely bored the night I lost my virginity. (I'll tell you this, I'm 29 and it was in the last year.) I was thinking to myself "geez, isn't he done yet... when will this end so I can go do something more interesting?" I like to think that it'd have been at least a little better, emotionally speaking, if I'd been in love with the guy. But I'd hit that desperate-29-year-old-virgin-never-gonna-get-laid thing. Meh. If I had it to do over again, I'd have waited for someone I loved. Oh well, you live, you learn.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:29 AM on March 7, 2010
And if you don't, don't."
This. Exactly this. I was intensely bored the night I lost my virginity. (I'll tell you this, I'm 29 and it was in the last year.) I was thinking to myself "geez, isn't he done yet... when will this end so I can go do something more interesting?" I like to think that it'd have been at least a little better, emotionally speaking, if I'd been in love with the guy. But I'd hit that desperate-29-year-old-virgin-never-gonna-get-laid thing. Meh. If I had it to do over again, I'd have waited for someone I loved. Oh well, you live, you learn.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:29 AM on March 7, 2010
You may find this account of a happy asexual marriage to be of interest.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:36 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ocherdraco at 1:36 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, I started late(ish) too. And for the first couple of years, I felt about sex the way I felt aout going to baseball games with a boyfriend: the price I paid for emotional intimacy. Boring, ugly, and it always went on too long. I had no interest in anything even vaguely kinky because it reminded me of how disconnected and how like a piece of meat (a "warm doll" to quote another Mefite) I felt in those situations.
Then I started dating someone who made me feel like an important part of his life, regardless of when or if we were intimate. When we did get there, knowing my trepidation, he let me go at my own pace, and at a certain point - this may sound odd, but with my permission - he did something that I hadn't experienced before, and that blew my freaking mind. Suddenly, I *loved * sex, I was like a kid with a new toy. Many years later, I credit him with showing me that physical intimacy without true intimacy (trust, selflessness, emotional engagement) wasn't something I wanted or enjoyed. If that was the only sex there was, I'd be asexual too. But it isn't. And being interested in trying new/different things, well... that came with the territory of enjoying sex and seeing it as an adventure with a trusted partner, not something I endured.
I tell this story *not* to come across as "oh, you'll change your mind, I'm so wise in my old age and many experiences blah blah blah," I just want to say - I felt exactly that way, and then I had an experience of true intimacy that changed my mind. If that story helps, then great. If it doesn't help, then please refer to others' comments about asexual committed relationships - they do happen, and you are not alone. Regardless, you are not alone.
posted by pammeke at 4:05 AM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Then I started dating someone who made me feel like an important part of his life, regardless of when or if we were intimate. When we did get there, knowing my trepidation, he let me go at my own pace, and at a certain point - this may sound odd, but with my permission - he did something that I hadn't experienced before, and that blew my freaking mind. Suddenly, I *loved * sex, I was like a kid with a new toy. Many years later, I credit him with showing me that physical intimacy without true intimacy (trust, selflessness, emotional engagement) wasn't something I wanted or enjoyed. If that was the only sex there was, I'd be asexual too. But it isn't. And being interested in trying new/different things, well... that came with the territory of enjoying sex and seeing it as an adventure with a trusted partner, not something I endured.
I tell this story *not* to come across as "oh, you'll change your mind, I'm so wise in my old age and many experiences blah blah blah," I just want to say - I felt exactly that way, and then I had an experience of true intimacy that changed my mind. If that story helps, then great. If it doesn't help, then please refer to others' comments about asexual committed relationships - they do happen, and you are not alone. Regardless, you are not alone.
posted by pammeke at 4:05 AM on March 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
IndigoRain wrote: "I'd have waited for someone I loved."
Or at least someone whose technique didn't leave you bored, although we all have off days. ;)
To answer the OP's question, as long as you're open and honest when the subject comes up, do whatever you like. There have been periods in the last 12 years with my girl when one or both of us haven't really been into the whole sexy time thing. On occasion, we've gone six months or more without.
And FWIW, I don't know a many people who are into kinks beyond perhaps having sex in weird places or liking the more run of the mill toys. Most of us sexual folks are doing pretty straightforward penis-in-vagina, oral, or manual stimulation. That's not to say there aren't plenty of people out there into anal, bondage, or whatever, or that there's anything odd about those particular proclivities, but not being into them is not at all odd, either. Neither is a woman who doesn't have sex on a regular basis. (Or a man, for that matter, although we menfolk are probably more into the whole self-gratification thing)
I suggest you give it a few tries to see if you like it. Either way, at least you'll know for the future. Also, there's no need to rush into it. A lot of people date for quite some time before getting between the sheets, so there's no need to get worried by possible sexual incompatibility right from the outset.
posted by wierdo at 4:06 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Or at least someone whose technique didn't leave you bored, although we all have off days. ;)
To answer the OP's question, as long as you're open and honest when the subject comes up, do whatever you like. There have been periods in the last 12 years with my girl when one or both of us haven't really been into the whole sexy time thing. On occasion, we've gone six months or more without.
And FWIW, I don't know a many people who are into kinks beyond perhaps having sex in weird places or liking the more run of the mill toys. Most of us sexual folks are doing pretty straightforward penis-in-vagina, oral, or manual stimulation. That's not to say there aren't plenty of people out there into anal, bondage, or whatever, or that there's anything odd about those particular proclivities, but not being into them is not at all odd, either. Neither is a woman who doesn't have sex on a regular basis. (Or a man, for that matter, although we menfolk are probably more into the whole self-gratification thing)
I suggest you give it a few tries to see if you like it. Either way, at least you'll know for the future. Also, there's no need to rush into it. A lot of people date for quite some time before getting between the sheets, so there's no need to get worried by possible sexual incompatibility right from the outset.
posted by wierdo at 4:06 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
And even things I'd be willing to do like intercourse and oral I have no experience with, so I can't see anyone actually wanting to sleep with me.
Well, imagine harder, because there are certainly people who'd be interested in having sex with a 23-year-old virgin. There are people who'd find that really really hot.
And I can't possibly see myself indulging a partner's kinks or even doing something like anal - I imagine that the 'ick factor' of such things are mitigated by sexual attraction, and since I have none, it just seems gross to me.
If you do get into a sexual relationship, you'd deal with this the same way someone of any sexual orientation would deal with it: by drawing a firm line and saying "I'm not willing to do this; it's just disgusting to me." Not wanting to have anal sex, for instance, is very common; it's not a major obstacle to having a normal relationship. You can have a typical full-fledged relationship without ever doing it. (If you find a guy who's so into it that that's a deal-breaker for him, look for someone else.)
I don't really have a libido, and I don't enjoy porn, erotica, or my hand.
As others have said, it's not totally obvious that you don't have a libido considering that you haven't had much experience on which to basis this conclusion. Don't enjoy porn? Women are famously less interested in porn than men (in general). (There's a reason Playgirl is so much less popular than Playboy -- and half of Playgirl's readership is men.)
Don't enjoy masturbation? I have female friends who've told me that they really like being in relationships in part because they find masturbation barely pleasurable at all (and they're definitely not asexual). I have no idea what percentage of non-asexual women aren't turned on by masturbation, but even if it's just 1%, well, maybe you're in that 1%.
Should I just resign myself to singledom and not flirt with people I like? Or should I give a relationship - like with my current acquaintance crush - a shot and try having sex?
Here's what I would do if I were in your situation. Just go for the relationship. Try it. The key is full disclosure from very early on. Tell him/her everything you've told us. Everything. If s/he finds it unacceptable, it's they're loss; move on to someone else. I'm sure there'd be people out there who'd be especially interested in having a relationship with you because (in addition to all other aspects of you as a person, of course) they'd consider it an exciting challenge to be the one who turned on your sexuality. (If you haven't seen it, watch the movie Some Like It Hot - the scenes between Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.)
Some people might wonder why we're encouraging this instead of just saying you should be true to your feelings. But deciding you're asexual is fundamentally different than other off-the-norm conclusions about your sexuality like deciding you're gay/bi or you have a fetish or whatnot. The thing is that you've drawn a negative conclusion and you seem to sense a void as a result. But you haven't really experienced the thing you're rejecting.
You're 23 years old and thinking about this a lot -- now is as good a time as any to try it out. What's the worst that can happen if you do? What's the worst that can happen if you don't?
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:08 AM on March 7, 2010
Well, imagine harder, because there are certainly people who'd be interested in having sex with a 23-year-old virgin. There are people who'd find that really really hot.
And I can't possibly see myself indulging a partner's kinks or even doing something like anal - I imagine that the 'ick factor' of such things are mitigated by sexual attraction, and since I have none, it just seems gross to me.
If you do get into a sexual relationship, you'd deal with this the same way someone of any sexual orientation would deal with it: by drawing a firm line and saying "I'm not willing to do this; it's just disgusting to me." Not wanting to have anal sex, for instance, is very common; it's not a major obstacle to having a normal relationship. You can have a typical full-fledged relationship without ever doing it. (If you find a guy who's so into it that that's a deal-breaker for him, look for someone else.)
I don't really have a libido, and I don't enjoy porn, erotica, or my hand.
As others have said, it's not totally obvious that you don't have a libido considering that you haven't had much experience on which to basis this conclusion. Don't enjoy porn? Women are famously less interested in porn than men (in general). (There's a reason Playgirl is so much less popular than Playboy -- and half of Playgirl's readership is men.)
Don't enjoy masturbation? I have female friends who've told me that they really like being in relationships in part because they find masturbation barely pleasurable at all (and they're definitely not asexual). I have no idea what percentage of non-asexual women aren't turned on by masturbation, but even if it's just 1%, well, maybe you're in that 1%.
Should I just resign myself to singledom and not flirt with people I like? Or should I give a relationship - like with my current acquaintance crush - a shot and try having sex?
Here's what I would do if I were in your situation. Just go for the relationship. Try it. The key is full disclosure from very early on. Tell him/her everything you've told us. Everything. If s/he finds it unacceptable, it's they're loss; move on to someone else. I'm sure there'd be people out there who'd be especially interested in having a relationship with you because (in addition to all other aspects of you as a person, of course) they'd consider it an exciting challenge to be the one who turned on your sexuality. (If you haven't seen it, watch the movie Some Like It Hot - the scenes between Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.)
Some people might wonder why we're encouraging this instead of just saying you should be true to your feelings. But deciding you're asexual is fundamentally different than other off-the-norm conclusions about your sexuality like deciding you're gay/bi or you have a fetish or whatnot. The thing is that you've drawn a negative conclusion and you seem to sense a void as a result. But you haven't really experienced the thing you're rejecting.
You're 23 years old and thinking about this a lot -- now is as good a time as any to try it out. What's the worst that can happen if you do? What's the worst that can happen if you don't?
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:08 AM on March 7, 2010
Oh hai asexual 23-year old virgin female. I'm really-asexual was-a-virgin-until-I-met-my-fiance going-to-be-married-in-a-year 23-year old female. Let me tell you my life story. It might get long. For the tl;dr skip to the last paragraph.
In middle and high school I never dated anyone. Partly because I was 5'10" and pretty hefty, but I was very involved in sports and band and was one of the top students in school (the last two worked against me in the dating game). So that being aside, I never asked anyone out and no one asked me out. At this stage in my life I didn't know what I was. I would flip between "I like boys" and "I must be a lesbian because to be honest, I don't really like like boys" and "but wait! I don't like girls either!" and "therefore I must like boys because girls like boys and I just don't know what it feels like to like boys yet".
Move on to college. Yet again, no one asked me out and I asked no one out. But to be perfectly honest, I didn't care at all. I had no need to be in a relationship ... I didn't feel like I was missing something in my life - I was content to be single. My freshman year I participated in a research study, and on the day of my MRI (it was a study about brain waves and fears), the researcher had forgotten her laptop at home so her roommate had to bring it to her. She emailed me later that night and said her roommate had seen me and instantly wanted to date me (or something silly like that) so I was like, what the hell, I've never dated anyone, I'm getting old (18!), sure I'll date him. The first date was, as far as dates go, set up perfectly. He rented bikes and we biked leisurely around the lake, then we went to his place and he made homemade lasagna and we watched a movie together. But then when the kissing came my body screamed "OH MY GOD RUN NOW PLEASE RUN RUN RUN". It was really fight-or-flighty for me. Nevertheless I went on two more dates with him because I said to myself "look self, you've really got to get over this shit". Needless to say it didn't work out and I told him after the third date.
Move on to my first internship in industry - summer after my junior year of college. I moved to the west coast, cut all my hair off, and started fresh. Internships are great because you have 3 months to be whomever you want to be to all of these new people. It's a chance to test out a new you. Well the new me was very confident and spunky. One of the other interns took a liking to me. I dated him for the same reason I had dated that guy in college - to try to get over myself. I didn't. Still had the fight or flight whenever he kissed me. Was completely revolted by the erection he got while making out with me. Although I let him sleep with me, I told him he couldn't touch me because it made me too uncomfortable. Finally I just gave up and told him it wasn't going to work. After this I found woman seeking a woman on craigslist, replied to the post, and was set to meet her. See, I had decided since I'm completely open to the idea of dating girls, and since I "like" them just as much as I "like" guys (aka not attracted to them either) that maybe if I tried dating a girl I wouldn't get this fight or flight response. Meanwhile I met B at an intern event. He was busy pining over one of the shirtless whitewater rafting guides so obviously he was gay. Gay men made me very comfortable because it allowed me to get close to a guy knowing they wouldn't ever turn on me and evoke this fight or flight. So B invited me over to watch firefly ("WHAT?!? You're a programmer and you've never seen FIREFLY?!?!?") and we traded shoulder massages. He got really into it when I was giving him his but I smiled because I knew that I gave one hell of a massage. Then we spooned on the couch and I was thinking nothing of it - he's gay and I do things like this with my gay friends all the time. And then he was kissing me. And WAIT A MINUTE he's KISSING me! But wait, it's ok. I don't want to run away. To this day I still don't know why he's the only guy that I've been comfortable with. Maybe it's because he's bi? Maybe because I knew him as a gay man first? Maybe it's because he was just so confident and took complete charge.
Move on to today. We have a great relationship. For me it 100% about the intimacy and non-physical aspects. We have sex, but I'd be ok if we didn't. But I'm fine with having sex because I know it's something important to him. It's painful for me a lot of times because I don't get properly aroused, but we make sure to use copious amounts of lube and are very open and honest. When it hurts too much I say so and he gets off really quickly. I was open with him from the very start about my asexuality and he is fine with it. I've been to a therapist about it in the hopes I could "fix" it but it's just who I am. I'm not broken. You're not broken either.
I tell you this long long story to show you how I came to know I'm asexual, but also how I came to be in a loving relationship. I think the key is being 110% open. If you are asexual, it's going to come out into the open sometime (or at least I'd hope so if you're open with your SO) so you'd might as well make sure they're ok with it now. If you know you're not comfortable having sex to please your partner, you can still find people to date! If you go to the AVEN website (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) you can read tons of stories of two asexual people getting married and never ever having sex. Or, if you're open to it, you can be in an open relationship. I find that since sex doesn't really mean the same thing to me as it does to other girls, I don't have jealousy issues with my man having sex with others (men in his case) because I trust him to keep the intimacy with me and just fulfill his manly desires with others. I urge you to check out the forums at AVEN - there's a ton of great information there. If you'd like, feel free to email me at the address in my profile. I can talk and talk and talk about this stuff.
posted by kthxbi at 6:10 AM on March 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
In middle and high school I never dated anyone. Partly because I was 5'10" and pretty hefty, but I was very involved in sports and band and was one of the top students in school (the last two worked against me in the dating game). So that being aside, I never asked anyone out and no one asked me out. At this stage in my life I didn't know what I was. I would flip between "I like boys" and "I must be a lesbian because to be honest, I don't really like like boys" and "but wait! I don't like girls either!" and "therefore I must like boys because girls like boys and I just don't know what it feels like to like boys yet".
Move on to college. Yet again, no one asked me out and I asked no one out. But to be perfectly honest, I didn't care at all. I had no need to be in a relationship ... I didn't feel like I was missing something in my life - I was content to be single. My freshman year I participated in a research study, and on the day of my MRI (it was a study about brain waves and fears), the researcher had forgotten her laptop at home so her roommate had to bring it to her. She emailed me later that night and said her roommate had seen me and instantly wanted to date me (or something silly like that) so I was like, what the hell, I've never dated anyone, I'm getting old (18!), sure I'll date him. The first date was, as far as dates go, set up perfectly. He rented bikes and we biked leisurely around the lake, then we went to his place and he made homemade lasagna and we watched a movie together. But then when the kissing came my body screamed "OH MY GOD RUN NOW PLEASE RUN RUN RUN". It was really fight-or-flighty for me. Nevertheless I went on two more dates with him because I said to myself "look self, you've really got to get over this shit". Needless to say it didn't work out and I told him after the third date.
Move on to my first internship in industry - summer after my junior year of college. I moved to the west coast, cut all my hair off, and started fresh. Internships are great because you have 3 months to be whomever you want to be to all of these new people. It's a chance to test out a new you. Well the new me was very confident and spunky. One of the other interns took a liking to me. I dated him for the same reason I had dated that guy in college - to try to get over myself. I didn't. Still had the fight or flight whenever he kissed me. Was completely revolted by the erection he got while making out with me. Although I let him sleep with me, I told him he couldn't touch me because it made me too uncomfortable. Finally I just gave up and told him it wasn't going to work. After this I found woman seeking a woman on craigslist, replied to the post, and was set to meet her. See, I had decided since I'm completely open to the idea of dating girls, and since I "like" them just as much as I "like" guys (aka not attracted to them either) that maybe if I tried dating a girl I wouldn't get this fight or flight response. Meanwhile I met B at an intern event. He was busy pining over one of the shirtless whitewater rafting guides so obviously he was gay. Gay men made me very comfortable because it allowed me to get close to a guy knowing they wouldn't ever turn on me and evoke this fight or flight. So B invited me over to watch firefly ("WHAT?!? You're a programmer and you've never seen FIREFLY?!?!?") and we traded shoulder massages. He got really into it when I was giving him his but I smiled because I knew that I gave one hell of a massage. Then we spooned on the couch and I was thinking nothing of it - he's gay and I do things like this with my gay friends all the time. And then he was kissing me. And WAIT A MINUTE he's KISSING me! But wait, it's ok. I don't want to run away. To this day I still don't know why he's the only guy that I've been comfortable with. Maybe it's because he's bi? Maybe because I knew him as a gay man first? Maybe it's because he was just so confident and took complete charge.
Move on to today. We have a great relationship. For me it 100% about the intimacy and non-physical aspects. We have sex, but I'd be ok if we didn't. But I'm fine with having sex because I know it's something important to him. It's painful for me a lot of times because I don't get properly aroused, but we make sure to use copious amounts of lube and are very open and honest. When it hurts too much I say so and he gets off really quickly. I was open with him from the very start about my asexuality and he is fine with it. I've been to a therapist about it in the hopes I could "fix" it but it's just who I am. I'm not broken. You're not broken either.
I tell you this long long story to show you how I came to know I'm asexual, but also how I came to be in a loving relationship. I think the key is being 110% open. If you are asexual, it's going to come out into the open sometime (or at least I'd hope so if you're open with your SO) so you'd might as well make sure they're ok with it now. If you know you're not comfortable having sex to please your partner, you can still find people to date! If you go to the AVEN website (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) you can read tons of stories of two asexual people getting married and never ever having sex. Or, if you're open to it, you can be in an open relationship. I find that since sex doesn't really mean the same thing to me as it does to other girls, I don't have jealousy issues with my man having sex with others (men in his case) because I trust him to keep the intimacy with me and just fulfill his manly desires with others. I urge you to check out the forums at AVEN - there's a ton of great information there. If you'd like, feel free to email me at the address in my profile. I can talk and talk and talk about this stuff.
posted by kthxbi at 6:10 AM on March 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
Before you go labeling yourself for life at 23, have you considered seeing a doctor to get your hormone levels and thyroid checked?
posted by amro at 7:09 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 7:09 AM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Two things:
First of all, the erstwhile joke saying that"sex is overrated" is more often true than it is not. Sex is over-rated simply because it is over-sold, and is nearly universally used as an advertising hook to leverage products into our lives.
Second, and this follows from the first point, our society has a generally unhealthy approach toward sex. We deny it's place as a simple and primal urge, choosing to extol it as a primary measure of a person's normalcy. Depending on where you look, we can at once be "oversexed" (think Bible-belt and shame) or under-sexed (think free love and personal freedom).
Consequently, it's very likely that you--like most of us--have a difficult time in reconciling your own level of interest in sex with the level that you are told that you "should" have...and since "should" can cut both ways (ie, you "should" like it MORE and/or you "should" think about it LESS) we are each left to deal with this vexing paradox in an area of our beings that really should (sorry) be biologically very, very uncomplicated.
So my advice would be to *explore* sex, both physically and mentally, and to leave the "shoulds" out of your experiments.
You'll be fine no matter what you discover.
posted by DavidandConquer at 7:14 AM on March 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
First of all, the erstwhile joke saying that"sex is overrated" is more often true than it is not. Sex is over-rated simply because it is over-sold, and is nearly universally used as an advertising hook to leverage products into our lives.
Second, and this follows from the first point, our society has a generally unhealthy approach toward sex. We deny it's place as a simple and primal urge, choosing to extol it as a primary measure of a person's normalcy. Depending on where you look, we can at once be "oversexed" (think Bible-belt and shame) or under-sexed (think free love and personal freedom).
Consequently, it's very likely that you--like most of us--have a difficult time in reconciling your own level of interest in sex with the level that you are told that you "should" have...and since "should" can cut both ways (ie, you "should" like it MORE and/or you "should" think about it LESS) we are each left to deal with this vexing paradox in an area of our beings that really should (sorry) be biologically very, very uncomplicated.
So my advice would be to *explore* sex, both physically and mentally, and to leave the "shoulds" out of your experiments.
You'll be fine no matter what you discover.
posted by DavidandConquer at 7:14 AM on March 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
The mind is a powerful thing and can easily lead your body to believe you are something that you are not. It sounds like you are overthinking everything and have a huge variety of inhibitions which are actually clouding good judgement. At 23, you should not be constricting yourself into a very tiny box and it is not healthy to be repressing yourself. That age should be the beginning of experimentation if you haven't already been experimenting.
Experiment, crash and burn, find out your actual limits instead of imagining what they should be based on your inexperienced self perception.
You are under no obligation to explain your entire sexual history to any lovers. Sex is just as much about you as it is your partner.
posted by JJ86 at 7:26 AM on March 7, 2010
Experiment, crash and burn, find out your actual limits instead of imagining what they should be based on your inexperienced self perception.
You are under no obligation to explain your entire sexual history to any lovers. Sex is just as much about you as it is your partner.
posted by JJ86 at 7:26 AM on March 7, 2010
Have you heard of acebook? It's a social networking site for people who meet the same criteria you list for yourself.
A quick googling for "asexual dating" brings up eight or ten similar sites. I know you said you're interested in someone already, so please disregard me if I am being inappropriate.
posted by Sallyfur at 7:27 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
A quick googling for "asexual dating" brings up eight or ten similar sites. I know you said you're interested in someone already, so please disregard me if I am being inappropriate.
posted by Sallyfur at 7:27 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd just like to mirror and expand on what amro said: asexual is fine and great, but make sure there aren't any aberrant psychological or physiological reasons for this. Sexual abuse in your past? Talk to a therapist. Possibility of other health problems? Talk to a doctor. Clean mind and body? Do whatever feels right to you & tell anyone who pressures you one way or another to fuck off.
posted by Dmenet at 7:38 AM on March 7, 2010
posted by Dmenet at 7:38 AM on March 7, 2010
There are lots of people and places that don't "do" asexuality stunningly well. Metafilter might be one of them. I'm going to answer this question under the assumption that you really are asexual, as you say, and that you've had your hormone and thyroid levels checked out, and had yourself evaluated for depression, and ruled them out as possible problems--or don't see this as a "problem" that needs to be solved. That's valid, too. Plenty of people put themselves into boxes sexually, at 23 and at other ages. I'm bi, but I don't go around telling straight people that they don't know they're not attracted to people of the same sex because they just haven't tried it.
So, that being said: sure you can date people. But I'd highly, highly recommend dating other asexuals--people who will know where you're coming from and have the same goals of compaionship without pressuring you towards sex. It can be very difficult to reconcile differences in libido in relationships generally. I say this as the more sexual partner in a sexual relationship. On the one hand, this is a very normal problem. On the other, a partner who never wants sex (and therefore never initiates it) can be emotionally exhausting on many levels. At the very least, do what kthxbi is telling you and be completely open with any partner.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:59 AM on March 7, 2010
So, that being said: sure you can date people. But I'd highly, highly recommend dating other asexuals--people who will know where you're coming from and have the same goals of compaionship without pressuring you towards sex. It can be very difficult to reconcile differences in libido in relationships generally. I say this as the more sexual partner in a sexual relationship. On the one hand, this is a very normal problem. On the other, a partner who never wants sex (and therefore never initiates it) can be emotionally exhausting on many levels. At the very least, do what kthxbi is telling you and be completely open with any partner.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:59 AM on March 7, 2010
PhoBWanKenobi: She made it pretty clear in her question that she is not certain she's asexual -- she's just seen various signs and suspects (based on no real experience) that she wouldn't enjoy sex or be capable of having sexual feelings with someone in the context of an intimate relationship. What she said is far from definitive as to her true sexual orientation. Maybe she's asexual or maybe she's not; I don't think any of us who aren't the OP can know this.
And as far as bisexuals saying straight people can't necessarily be sure they're not bisexual at all, they might actually have a good point about that. If someone posted a question saying, "I'm 23, and I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but I'm not totally sure, and I keep sort of wanting to be in a relationship with someone of my gender but I'm worried I wouldn't like it -- should I give it a try?" I think it'd be a quite valid response to encourage that person to give it a try and that it's not necessarily to pigeonhole your sexual identity early on. Same with the OP and sexuality/asexuality.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:19 AM on March 7, 2010
And as far as bisexuals saying straight people can't necessarily be sure they're not bisexual at all, they might actually have a good point about that. If someone posted a question saying, "I'm 23, and I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but I'm not totally sure, and I keep sort of wanting to be in a relationship with someone of my gender but I'm worried I wouldn't like it -- should I give it a try?" I think it'd be a quite valid response to encourage that person to give it a try and that it's not necessarily to pigeonhole your sexual identity early on. Same with the OP and sexuality/asexuality.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:19 AM on March 7, 2010
From everything I've read about asexuality, I fit the bill.
...but from everything I've read from sexual people, being willing is just not enough.
I would stop basing your understanding of your sexuality on what you've read. What's supposedly normal and expected changes all the time, so don't worry about it. Your level of interest would probably have been considered stereotypical for a woman at one time (that's why married men don't get any, right?)
Listening to the media presentation of your peers will drive you nuts. Forget it. Just find people you relate to, communicate what you want, see if it's what they want too, and do it. If it turns out you're not compatible, you may have to break up. But it's entirely possible you'll meet other people without the kind of sex drives you are led to believe everyone has.
posted by mdn at 11:17 AM on March 7, 2010
...but from everything I've read from sexual people, being willing is just not enough.
I would stop basing your understanding of your sexuality on what you've read. What's supposedly normal and expected changes all the time, so don't worry about it. Your level of interest would probably have been considered stereotypical for a woman at one time (that's why married men don't get any, right?)
Listening to the media presentation of your peers will drive you nuts. Forget it. Just find people you relate to, communicate what you want, see if it's what they want too, and do it. If it turns out you're not compatible, you may have to break up. But it's entirely possible you'll meet other people without the kind of sex drives you are led to believe everyone has.
posted by mdn at 11:17 AM on March 7, 2010
I think it'd be a quite valid response to encourage that person to give it a try and that it's not necessarily to pigeonhole your sexual identity early on. Same with the OP and sexuality/asexuality.
That might be so, but I feel like it's at least as helpful to the original poster to at least offer an answer that addresses the question posed: should a (probable) asexual date? To which the answer is--sure, but make sure your partner knows what he/she is in for, and consider dating other people who have the same expectations regarding sexual contact as you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:15 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
That might be so, but I feel like it's at least as helpful to the original poster to at least offer an answer that addresses the question posed: should a (probable) asexual date? To which the answer is--sure, but make sure your partner knows what he/she is in for, and consider dating other people who have the same expectations regarding sexual contact as you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:15 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am another young woman who thought she might be asexual. Never liked porn, looking at sweaty dudes, making out, etc. I think meeting the right person makes all the difference. Now I enjoy all of the above in small quantities, and understand sex much more in terms of another expression of emotional intimacy. It sounds like you've never been emotionally intimate with anyone, and up until that was true for me I never felt an urge. Even some of my earliest sexual interaction was in the fake-it-til-you-make-it vein, and I made it.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:24 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:24 PM on March 7, 2010
It makes sense that you feel love-ish feelings for people even if you are asexual. You have an attraction to them, you have a crush on them, you'd like to have a partner, etc. I had a friend who was married and then divorced from an asexual person. Their asexual spouse loved my friend, and wanted a family, but had no interest in sex or physical intimacy. I think the suggestion that if you are truly asexual, you should seek out other asexual people to date is a really good one. It's really nice now that we have the internet that people who are perhaps rare in the population can connect with others in the same situation really easily.
posted by ishotjr at 5:22 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ishotjr at 5:22 PM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Asexual people date and have relationships. There are asexual dating sites. Look into that.
posted by Nattie at 5:47 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by Nattie at 5:47 PM on March 7, 2010
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like with my current acquaintance crush
Seems like you're asking if you should give it a chance with this guy and you are afraid that you won't really measure up in the sex department.
There are a lot of different levels of sexuality and people's levels change over time. So yes, you should try and also not expect that it will always remain the same.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:23 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]