Should I or not with a friend?
November 24, 2009 3:11 PM   Subscribe

Is it stupid for me to hook up with this woman in a "friends with benefits" kinda way? (SFW after the fold for a change, and no, it's not the usual "don't want to mess up the friendship" bit)

I have a friend who's a girl, I'm a guy. She and I have been friends for a few months, and there are really no thoughts about it being anything more than friends as we're not compatible long term and both realize that (and that's not something that will change ever).

But I am attracted to her physically, if not romantically, and so the "friends with benefits" thing came up, and she was agreeable much to my excitement. Currently we are planning to get together this weekend to hang out and, ideally, hook up for the first time.

But one thing she has said recently is sticking in my craw a bit. She mentioned that she wasn't attracted to me physically, that I'm not her "type". She's still amenable to sleeping with me, this was just a dropped comment and I was too stunned by her saying it to really follow up on it much, and the conversation moved on from there.

But now I'm wondering...am I showing a lack of self-respect by hooking up with someone who I know isn't into me? Or since we're both going to be getting what we want out of this arrangement (that being sex) should I just not worry about this detail, after all it's not like this will become anything more.

(and for reference, initially I was indignant about it and cut off all contact for a couple weeks, but I do really like her as a friend and would like to sleep with her, so those parts have caused the friendship to be resumed (she never noticed the break in contact, chalked it up to busy-ness) and plans to be made)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Dude, it's free sex, not a plate of beans.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:19 PM on November 24, 2009 [34 favorites]


Well, if you were her type in the first place, then a relationship would have been more likely. You accepted the fact that you're just friends, but you're freaking out about the why?

Don't make it so complicated. Enjoy it or don't bother doing it.
posted by inturnaround at 3:20 PM on November 24, 2009


I don't really think this is something anyone else can really answer. I suspect you'll know immediately afterwards; if you feel skeezy/dirty/embarassed with yourself, chalk it up to experience and don't do it again. If you feel fine and have fun, all the better.

Definitely plate-of-beans territory.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:22 PM on November 24, 2009


But I am attracted to her physically, if not romantically

am I showing a lack of self-respect by hooking up with someone who I know isn't into me?

This is more than a FWB thing on your part. You're apt to get hurt since you like her way more than she likes you. Even though you might feel like mentally, you can have a no-strings thing, emotionally, you seem to be hesitant and I'd tread carefully.
posted by cmgonzalez at 3:25 PM on November 24, 2009 [4 favorites]


Dude. From shitmydadsays:

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:31 PM on November 24, 2009 [21 favorites]


If she was a strict adherent to "type" then she wouldn't be hooking up with you in the first place, no matter how available you are.

I wonder whether you are really ready to enjoy a truly NSA sexual relationship.

But hey, at least you're practicing with someone who (presumably) knows what she's getting into. Good luck, enjoy, and stop worrying.
posted by hermitosis at 3:34 PM on November 24, 2009


How is her wanting to get physical with you, even though she's not into you physically, any worse than you wanting to get physical with her, even though you're not into her romantically? Are you mad because you think that any girl who might want to engage in a FWB situation must automatically want a relationship with you, even though you don't hold yourself to the same standard? Use each other, and don't read so much into it.
posted by scarykarrey at 3:35 PM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


If you're already beanplating it now, just imagine the epic beanplating once you start having sex.
posted by The World Famous at 3:39 PM on November 24, 2009 [5 favorites]


I don't understand why she wants to hook up with you if she's not physically attracted to you.

I don't think it matters what anyone else says; I think it boils down to what you'll feel. Are you going to feel as if you aren't respecting yourself by sleeping with her anyway? If so, may as well avoid it and find someone else to sleep with.

However, it sounds like you really want to sleep with her, in which case I don't think her personal attraction to you should matter. She wants to sleep with you regardless, yay for you, go for it.
posted by biochemist at 3:41 PM on November 24, 2009


I don't know, dude. Sounds like two people using each other for their own ends... which is fine, if you see human relationships as some sort of business transaction. I'd skip it, and wait for someone whom you genuinely want to be with.
posted by airguitar2 at 3:45 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


wanted to agree with others that her the whole thing with FWB is that you, in some way, don't find that person eligible for a long term relationship. Worrying about why will drive you crazy.
posted by mercredi at 3:48 PM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


Some see free sex and wonder why you're dithering over the opportunity.

They may be right.

Others see a hornet's nest and wonder why you're contemplating kicking it.

Steer clear of this one. It just don't look right. There are more fish in the sea. And it's a really, really, fucking big sea. Way bigger than you think, and certainly bigger and more interesting than this specific opportunity.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:49 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


yeah, you're not totally into you and she told you she's not totally into you. this is actually a best case scenario for FWB. you both have something that keeps you from jumping in head first.

i was once in a three year relationship with a guy who told me he never found me attractive until about about 2 months after we started dating (we had been friends for 8 months or so before that). he said this about 6 months into the relationship in a total matter of fact, non fighty way. i should have left him right then and there.

so, if you want a relationship or hope this might morph into it or are looking for someone to treat you like an adonis, skip it. if you just want some fun rolling around, then go for it. i'm sorta with some of the other responders though in thinking that you aren't really ready for a FWB sort of situation. it's the sort of thing you have to go in with no expectations and no ego. if you get your feelings hurt easily, this'll be bad for all involved.
posted by nadawi at 3:50 PM on November 24, 2009


Ummm....I'm pretty sure you're misunderstanding her.

"we're not compatible long term" == "you're not my type"

They mean the same thing. You two are on the same page. Go have fun with each other.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 3:54 PM on November 24, 2009


Beanplate much?

I'm a female, and my most successful FWB relationship (NSA and were able to continue a pretty awesome friendship after the sex stopped for whatever reason) was with a guy I wasn't physically attracted to. But I gotta say, that if *he'd* written your post, it'd be a red-flag for me that maybe there was something more to it for him than just sex. Basically, what cmgonzalez said.

As inturnaround mentioned, if she was physically attracted to you, there's more probability that she'd be wanting a relationship with you.
posted by MuChao at 3:54 PM on November 24, 2009


On the one hand, free sex. On the other hand, your hand.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:01 PM on November 24, 2009 [10 favorites]


Just because she doesn't like you physically, doesn't mean she isn't sexually attracted to you. In the past, I have been turned on by guys who I didn't find physically attractive and who weren't my type. Sexual chemistry, at least for me, is more than just about appearances.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:05 PM on November 24, 2009 [4 favorites]


She's obviously attracted to you in non physical ways. I can understand it's a blow to your ego, but really it's a blow to your ego whether you have sex with her or not. I mean she's offering no strings attached sex. Not no strings attached sex and a weekly ego trip.

Yeah this would cause alarm bells if this were a relationship, but it's not. Honestly, it sounds like you want the sex side of a relationship without the commitment and that's a casual or open relationship, not friends with benefits.

That all being said, you feel how you feel, which is obviously pretty upset as you cut off all contact with her which is pretty extreme. If you don't think you can handle it, stay away.
posted by whoaali at 4:24 PM on November 24, 2009


How is her wanting to get physical with you, even though she's not into you physically, any worse than you wanting to get physical with her, even though you're not into her romantically?

I am not the OP, but I can imagine not wanting to be someone else's "pity fuck." Having sex with someone who has said they don't find you attractive physically and who has also said aren't interested in having a romantic relationship with you doesn't feel like it would be the most fun thing ever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:26 PM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


and for reference, initially I was indignant about it and cut off all contact for a couple weeks,

If you're getting all hurt and offended 'cause she said she's not attracted to you, but still wants to do you I think you should talk it. That way knows what sort of drama she's getting in return for sex and can decide whether it's worth her time.

In short, you're being overly sensitive.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:34 PM on November 24, 2009


FWB is different from being a pity fuck.

If you want to be her friend and you also want to have sex with her, and she feels the same way, then do it as long as you are clear on what is going on. The sex is not to validate that you are an attractive, hunky dude. It's to validate that you both have needs that each of you is willing to fulfill with the other, and that you *trust one another in this context.*

The best FWB situation I was ever involved in was with a guy who thought I was smoking hot smart but who didn't find me physically attractive in a long term manner. I felt like I was getting what I wanted - satisfaction without baggage and a bunch of bullshit - and that is literally what happened. Keep it in the no baggage and no bullshit area of the ven diagram and you'll be fine. Get out of that area and prepare to be in trouble.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:37 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Stereotypes say that women are less visually oriented than men when it comes to what's sexy. Apparently lots of us have more fun reading porn than we do watching it.

Certainly for me, what a guy looks like is about one millionth on my list of reasons to get him in bed, maybe below whether or not he likes bacon sandwiches in the morning.

In fact, guys who are "my type" and I think look physically attractive are often not at all the ones I want to get in the sack. I like looking at pretty people, but I like sleeping with sexy people.
posted by emilyw at 4:39 PM on November 24, 2009 [7 favorites]


You'll know better than anyone here by Monday. Roll with it.
posted by rokusan at 4:40 PM on November 24, 2009


"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

Not really relevant here since the OP is confident that this woman will have sex with him. (Good way to get favorites though.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:43 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


You know, somebody who I was interested in mentioned that to a friend or something similar. I went on a first date with her and she yapped about her ex a lot (we were friends and had both just broken up with long-term partners). I wrote her off in the first five minutes of the date. We got a drink after dinner and when we got to the subway, I was like "see you later" and as I was turning away, I swear I saw her go for the lean-in. She spent the better part of a month asking me out on dates. Even when she decided she didn't want to go on with me, a month after that, I watched her get incredibly jealous at a party as I chatted up someone else. Like really jealous. Her best friend later confirmed that she stated she was jealous.

Attraction, sex, love, all that is so weird, you just don't know. You can't read her mind--you just don't know.

So you must ask yourself--do you feel comfortable with this? There's so much emphasis in the media and the culture about about the man supposedly always wanting sex that it gets difficult to really ask yourself if that's what you want. I'd figure that out first.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:49 PM on November 24, 2009


Yeah, but just because you can do something doesn't mean you must. You mentioned your self respect. That's a biggie and maybe not to be toyed with..
posted by marimeko at 5:05 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


The fact that this bothered you enough to not talk to her for weeks makes me think you shouldn't. (That's a comment on the situation, not on you.)
posted by salvia at 5:19 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think you're both overthinking it.

She says she's not physically attracted to you but she wants to have sex with you. Isn't wanting to have sex with someone pretty much the definition of being physically attracted?

Life is short. Are you going to be more bummed that you talked yourself out of sex, or because it wasn't everything you hoped for? I'm still kicking myself over a couple of hookups I missed.
posted by musofire at 5:41 PM on November 24, 2009


I don't think it was a good idea for the girl to tell you that. I think part of enjoying sex is feeling sexy and desired, so by her telling you that it's going to be distracting while your in bed. But you'll get over it.
posted by delmoi at 6:44 PM on November 24, 2009


"initially I was indignant about it and cut off all contact for a couple weeks"

I believe this is what the "hatefuck" was invented for.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:24 PM on November 24, 2009 [3 favorites]


Whev. If you want casual sex and she wants casual sex, have casual sex. Don't try to read her mind about why.
posted by paultopia at 9:28 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: just imagine the epic beanplating
posted by intermod at 10:00 PM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I've dated people that weren't my type and I wasn't initially attracted to. I could understand why other people found them attractive, objectively, but they weren't my 'perfect match', so to speak. It didn't matter. This may not be the insult that you perceive it to be, and I would take it in the casual way that she delivered it.
posted by amicamentis at 6:31 AM on November 25, 2009


Would it be possible for you to understand that a lot of people say things they dont mean? Would you believe someone that told you I hate red but wear that color every day of the week? Would you believe someone that told you that hated the sun but go to the beach every weekend? I think her self-defense mechanism wanted to say something to disarm you (ever heard of a shit test?) there's some kind of attraction there if she is willing to do the FWB thing......dont think about it...do what u gotta do...
posted by The1andonly at 8:38 AM on November 25, 2009


You want to have sex with her. She wants to have sex with you. Just have sex. WTF?

Honestly though, I think these sorts of situations usually end up horribly.
posted by chunking express at 9:00 AM on November 25, 2009


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