To jump, or not to jump?

January 4, 2008 5:18 AM

My roommate likes me. A lot, it seems. He's been treating me impecably since I moved in, and I fear I'm falling for it.

So this gets a little more complcated...

I moved in to his house over a month ago, on the recommendation of his recent ex (They broke up in october). He lived alone after she moved out, so there was plenty of extra space to fill.

Awesome.

Within a week of my moving in, he tells me that he's starting to have feelings for me and that while he doesn't expect reciprocation, he wanted to get it off his chest. I totally respect that, and went on with life sans-awkwardness. Turns out his ex had encouraged him to tell me, so no problems there either.

After he told me, I thought about it a bit and explained to him that A- I hardly know him and don't know if I like him yet, and B- Living with my boyfriend is the last thing I want to do right now, considering I had just uprooted myself after my own breakup.

Only now, I think I'm starting to like him. Yes, life has improved dramatically since moving in with him. He treats me with much more respect than my boyfriend ever did, and seems to not care what he's dong, so long as he's with me.
Now, I'm guessing I'm crazy to think this treatment would continue if I did pursue him... but say, if I didn't want a relationship, would it still be possible to, you know, BANG him?

In short, what are my options here? Would it be an awful idea to ignore it? Would I regret just .doing. him? What if I start wanting him to be my boyfriend?

posted by sunshinesky to human relations (40 comments total)

Life's too short not to...move out and start dating!
posted by footnote at 5:21 AM on January 4

Trying to do sex-without-relationship is absolutely viable - but with someone you already live with, I'd never call it advisable.
posted by Tomorrowful at 5:25 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

Ugh, don't fall for it. It's a too common infatuation and it will end up hurting both of you. Watch, when you move out, when he starts e-mailing you with every little thing that could possibly make you interested in him again.
posted by parmanparman at 5:26 AM on January 4

Eh, go for it. It might be fun, and it doesn't sound like it would be a big deal to move out if it goes wrong.
posted by Sar at 5:55 AM on January 4

I think this depends on how convenient it is for you to move out if it all goes to hell. I also think it could get messy if he already has feelings for you and you two start to have sex. It might be easy for you to be okay with sex-without-relationship, but he might need more.

I'd say take some time and get to know each other better. Then decide if you want a relationship or a friends-with-benefits situation.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:16 AM on January 4

If you have no problem with the possibility of moving again if things go sour, then I'd say absolutely go for it. However, it's a big move and "the internet told me to" shouldn't be your primary deciding factor. So talk to him or his ex about it.
posted by potch at 6:21 AM on January 4

Not that big a move. Worst case, you have to move out. Go for it.

And not that either of these is terrible, but do you have any opportunities to get advice from somebody between"random strangers on the internet" and this guy's ex?
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 6:29 AM on January 4

Well, you're probably going to do what you're going to do regardless of what people tell you here and it's going to end in a huge mess with him getting hurt and you having to find a new place to live. So I say go for it.
posted by electroboy at 6:30 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Generally it's a bad idea to sleep with people who are interested in you, when you're not interested in them.

Generally it's a bad idea to sleep with roommates.

Generally it's a bad idea to start a relationship by living together.

Take that as you will.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:33 AM on January 4 [8 favorites]

It sounds like even his ex doesn't think he is an ass. That says something. You can certainly find another place to live and date him.

And yes, certainly there is infatuation at play, but that's a common starting point for a relationship to grow into something deeper.
posted by The Deej at 6:34 AM on January 4

He treats me with much more respect than my boyfriend ever did, and seems to not care what he's dong, so long as he's with me.

Well duh? He wants to have sex with you. This is when we men are at our charming, attentive best!
posted by three blind mice at 6:34 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]

seems to not care what he's dong, so long as he's with me.

a: that never seems that healthy
b: that tends to go away after you bang someone

how hot are you? that might play a role here
posted by Salvatorparadise at 6:44 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Statistics might be against you, but people get lucky (when they aren't in a hurry). I say drag out the courtship (pre-consummation) for as long as humanly possible (this is > 90 days)
posted by ewkpates at 6:47 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Don't do the sex-without-relationship thing with this guy. It seems clear that he's into you in more than just a physical way. At the very least, if genders were reversed, the entire Internet would jump all over you for being a "typical insensitive guy" taking advantage of a lady's emotions. While guys aren't the same as women, we do have feelings too.

On the other hand, if he really is just looking to hook up, then it could be a lot of fun. So long as you're both on the same level, and have open communication about your feelings, it shouldn't go sour. I've never done it with a roomie, but some of the best sex I've had has come from being honest that it was about the sex and not a relationship. On the other hand, some of the worst drama came from when I was honest about that, but they thought they could change my mind and pursued the relationship anyway.

Cover your ass, and good luck with whatever you choose.
posted by explosion at 6:52 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

You think you're starting to like him.
I'd wait until you really, really like him. Until you like him so much you can hardly contain yourself.
Only then would I consider taking it to the next level.
I don't think just plain sleeping with him is a great idea, both because he has feelings for you and because you live together. But if you grow to really like each other, then try dating. You'll get a sense pretty soon if you want to stop dating, or if you want to move out and keep dating, or move out and stop dating and get out that mess as soon as possible.
posted by bassjump at 6:55 AM on January 4

Uh, get out of that mess.
posted by bassjump at 6:55 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Trying to do sex-without-relationship is absolutely viable

Sex-without-relationship is never viable. Sex is too strong of a means of communication to think you can have repeated liasons with someone and *not* develop a relationship. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.
posted by Doohickie at 7:03 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

It's only been a month right? What's the rush? Both of you seem to be on the rebound and it's probably not a good idea to be having all the sex right this second. It boils down to whether or not you are (1) comfortable living with a boyfriend soon after having left another (2) comfortable with living with an ex-boyfriend if things go bad/sour or (3) okay with moving again if things go bad/sour.

See and date other people first before starting something serious with your brand new roommate who you don't really know.
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:06 AM on January 4

if I didn't want a relationship, would it still be possible to, you know, BANG him?

Possible? Yes. Smart? No.
posted by languagehat at 7:06 AM on January 4

Thank you all for telling me what a bad idea this is. That is what I was looking for. Sexual urge is definitely another ballgame...

Someone asked how hot I am? I don't see how that has much to do with it. But yeah, I'm pretty darn hot.
posted by sunshinesky at 7:14 AM on January 4

What dirtynumbangelboy said, double.

It sounds like you both just broke up with potentially longish term partners which makes you vulnerable to rebound relationships. Sometimes they work great, but sometimes they are born of fear, loneliness and a desire to maintain that same comfortable situation which you just left. It's OK to be on your own. I would tread very, very carefully here. Finally, don't sleep with him unless you really have deep feelings; that is just asking for trouble.
posted by caddis at 7:39 AM on January 4

Someone asked how hot I am? I don't see how that has much to do with it. But yeah, I'm pretty darn hot.

Because you go on about the uber-attentiveness of this guy towards you as a factor for liking him and evidence of him truly liking you, and generally, most guys will tolerate and pretend to enjoy words and actions they would kill or imprison another man for, so long as a pretty girl is their point of origin. (ref. Sarah Silverman's career).
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:53 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

You need to figure out which you want more right now: a stable living situation, or a possible relationship with this guy. If the former, don't date him. If the latter, move out and date him.

Having a fuckbuddy you share a home with? Bad idea.

The only way around this I see would be to live together as just-friends and go about your business for a while—say, six month, long enough for the bloom to be off this rose. Then re-evaluate your relationship. And discuss this with him up front.
posted by adamrice at 7:59 AM on January 4

I'm trying to figure out...are you asking if it's possible to live with him, bang him and not be his girlfriend, even though he likes you and you like him?

I would say no, not possible. Unless you are both...I don't know. Somethings.

But I would say if you are interested in him for a relationship and you are willing to give it a shot, I'd go for it.

Be ready to move out though.
posted by sully75 at 8:01 AM on January 4

I agree with Uther Bentrazor that (especially) if you're really hot, his attentiveness to you prior to having sex with him means almost nothing. He did say he had feelings for you, though, and you'd probably have gathered from his ex if he were the say-anything-to-bang-a-girl type. So taking his confession of feelings at face value, and your statement of not knowing your feelings yet, it would be unethical to bang him without wanting some deeper relationship.

Also: I moved in with my boyfriend after dating for a YEAR and in retrospect it was still too soon. He might pick up his socks and underwear NOW, because he's hoping to win your heart, but as soon as you give it to him, you can expect that to stop.
posted by desjardins at 8:48 AM on January 4

The fine line with a fuck buddy situation is that you have to like somebody enough to want to sleep with them, but not enough to want to be in a relationship with them. You BOTH have to stay balanced on that tightrope for it to work. And the problem is that as soon as you sleep with somebody, the feelings and dynamics shift and wiggle. Now one or both of you is likely to fall on one side of that fine line, which will then cause the other one to counterbalance with an equal and/or opposite reaction.

This is why fuck buddies cannot last forever. Add in the variable of living together and what side of that line do you think it's going to feel like you're on once you start bangin'?

It sounds like even his ex doesn't think he is an ass. That says something.
All that says is that somebody dated somebody and didn't hate them afterwards. It happens. It says nothing about the wisdom of entering a relationship with somebody you live with.

Personally, I like what somebody wrote above...drag it out as long as possible. What's the rush? If this guy truly likes you, take as long as you want to see what this potential relationship can develop into. At the very worst, months long sexual tension could explode with sexier results later rather than sooner. Walk, don't run.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:11 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

He's having feelings for you a week after you moved in? How long have you known him?

I may be missing something from your description, but it sounds as though you barely knew each other before moving in. If this is the case, he doesn't have feelings, he has a crush, an infatuation. Get to know each other a little before considering anything more. There's nothing worse than discovering who the other person really is when you're already dating. Worse still, when you're dating and living together.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:30 AM on January 4

Also how hot you are helps with keeping him in a FWB situation if wants something more. Helps keep him in line so-to-speak.

I don't understand this at all. Isn't a pretty big difference between a relationship and a FWB that you can date others? You can't date if you live with your FWB. Even if your benefit is firmly a friend you don't date in front of them. (Multiply the one-in-a-trillion chance that your FWB would be OK with that by the one-in-a-trillion chance that your date would be OK with that.)
posted by Wood at 10:00 AM on January 4

If you really want to get together with him - move out, then start dating him. Lots of problems solved that way. If you don't want to date him enough to move out, forget it.
posted by KAS at 10:02 AM on January 4

It sounds like the whole thing might have been premeditated by him and his ex. I'm not saying it's a negative but in my experience that sort of convenience never comes without a price. On the other hand you already know that everyone is okay with it so that's a plus.

Personally, to me, things like that always seem a little too off-the-wall for my tastes.
posted by jtoth at 10:03 AM on January 4

So, on his part he lives with you, and really likes you. On your part, you think he's OK, and live with him.

Exactly how is sex going to make this situation better? It's going to be a big thumbs up on his side, no matter how much you explain that you don't really like him. And if you do start to like him a lot more afterwards, then you go back on what you said about not wanting to live with your partner.
posted by Solomon at 10:59 AM on January 4

I had it both ways. I dated a roomie, then it got old and frustrating so we broke it off. Avoided each other for a week or two, then a while later became fuck buddies.

What I learnt.
a) When it goes sour.. don't stick around. Just move.
b) Don't fuck the roomies

Dating, sure go for it, worse that can happen is that you'll need to move out. But if you just sleep with him and leave it at that, it will be impossible to ever bring another date over or put up with him bringing a date over, and chances are he wont want to anyway out of a longing for you (by the sounds of it). It's really unhealthy.

Play it out, see how much you really like him, jump for it... then find him a male room mate to take up your room and find somewhere else. It'll be worth it, if he's as great as you make him out to be.
posted by chrisbucks at 12:47 PM on January 4

FWIW I found myself in a similar situation nearly three years ago - moved in with someone I met at school and her partner, they broke up and she moved out, and then shortly afterwards I split up with my long term boyfriend, leaving me single and living with a relative stranger who was also dealing with a breakup and whom I didn't know very well. I was in a similar frame of mind about not really being sure if I wanted a new relationship, but one thing led to another (as they always seem to) and a few months later we were seeing each other exclusively.
It went well for a little while, but things started to become problematic - as others have said before me, it doesn't do a relationship well to start out in the same house. Eventually I decided that it was time for me to move out, and while we didn't break up, I certainly had a feeling that we were going to. Surprisingly though, once I did get my own place, our relationship got much better, and (happy ending) we are still together now.
On the other hand of course, the whole situation could have been a complete nightmare if he'd turned out to be more than just a bad housekeeper (for example), and given my situation back then moving out again would have been very difficult financially and logistically. I was lucky in this regard, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't even consider pursuing it unless I had some sort of exit strategy. The only other thing I'd say about it (though this only really applies if you think you may find yourself interested in more than sex with your house mate) is that living with someone really is a crash-course in getting to know them. In its way it's very intense, but you do miss out on the slow and lovely process of dating and taking your time.
Best of luck with it all :-)
posted by sleep_walker at 1:00 PM on January 4

This falls under rule #2 of my hard-won relationship experience.

Rule #1 is: don't stick your dick in crazy. (Since you're female, rephrase as appropriate). It's not worth it. No matter how hot s/he is, no matter how good the sex is, it. is. not. worth. it. For god's sake, don't have sex with hot-but-crazy people.

Rule #2 is: don't bang "roommates". If you want to date the guy, move out and then date him. Banging him while you are roommates is just asking for trouble.

Since raging hormones tend to make following this rule difficult, at the very least please only bang him if you are confident you can move out on short notice without much trouble. Being stuck there when things go to hell would be bad.

Rule #3, apropos of another recent askme: If you are about to do something very stupid, masturbate and then see if it still seems like a good idea. (this might only apply to guys, not sure).

Key point: don't bang roommates. Trust me, I have (metaphorical) scars.
posted by Justinian at 1:14 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

(there are more rules, I should write a children's book.)
posted by Justinian at 1:17 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Make sure to do lots of communicating. Don't leave things open to misunderstandings. But don't just talk with him, see if you can talk with his ex too (sounds like you knew her better than him), and see what you could be getting into. Ask for an idea of what it might be with him long-term. Is he the type to be kind and romantic early on and then fall back into a pattern of apathy and flakiness?

Just take things as slow as possible, on a platonic level, and see where it leads. Neither of you seem to be in danger of being uprooted. And make he sure he realizes you're coming off a relationship too; he should respect that. You say life has improved since moving in, and that sounds like a good sign, but you still have to keep things going upward. And perhaps most importantly, do everything to avoid drama at the first sign of trouble. Always stay one step back and don't do anything either of you will regret.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:23 PM on January 4

It's going to be awkward and weird either way (the living situation, not the sex. not necessarily, anyway). Knowing that it'll be awkward and weird, would you rather it be awkward and weird with sex or awkward and weird without sex?

Different people will have different answers to that question. To find your answer imagine yourself and your emotional state in the days after the sex and in the days after you avoid the sex. Weigh your intuitive expectations of the end results this way to see what works or doesn't for you.


It's a simple technique, but surprisingly powerful (and shockingly rare).
posted by NortonDC at 4:34 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Were you guys friends before you moved in, or did you meet when his ex told you about the open space? I don't know if that really matters, except that I'd think something was fishy if a guy just got to know me for a week and suddenly said he had "feelings" for me.

That said, I'm gonna lay my personal cards on the table, for whatever it's worth. I had a similar situation, but some of the details (including regarding my initial question to you) might be different, and thus render comparison moot. Even if the situation is exactly the same, it might be moot anyway, as honestly I feel like I won the lottery and just happened to break all the rules but with just the right guy for it to be ok.

Anyway:
I dated a guy long distance for 6 years. They were turbulent years; there were times I thought we might get married and times I thought we'd destroy each other. After I graduated from college I had a unique opportunity to finally move, albeit temporarily, from the Northeast to the dirty South to live with him. Before that, we regularly visited each other, and I had gotten to know his friends. When I moved, it was in a house with his good friend and another acquaintance. Within a year of moving in I broke up with my boyfriend, and was a mess. The good friend of his I was living with had always been pleasant and friendly, but nothing warmer than that. He did not have a girlfriend at any time in all of this.

I was a wreck, and my plans to move out of the South had also fizzled. Within a month or two of breaking up with my serious boyfriend, the good friend of his/my roomie was very supportive. I didn't want to face anybody, but he was incredibly kind and understanding and gave me company in the least taxing way imaginable. This developed into staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking about everything imaginable, going out to celebrate my birthday when I figured I'd be alone and moping about it, stuff like that. Eventually I came to have feelings for him, and we had The Awkward Talk. He said he had feelings for me too, and shortly after that we decided to give it a go with the mutual acceptance it was perhaps only a trial period, mistake-making thing. (This feeling, by the way, reminds me of the salience of the comment above about how you guys are probably going to "do what you're going to do" regardless of rational examination and discussion--I find that tends to be true. All you can do with your reflections is perhaps pre-emptive damage control through honesty...)

I had all of the concerns of the posters above. I wondered if he was just treating me more amazingly kind and attentively than my boyfriend ever had because he wanted to get in my pants and then that'd be the end of it. I had heard the well-worn line about never getting with roommates AND the same about never getting with ex's friends. I was scared I would ruin the good thing we had. But every time I was with him, I felt like I had found someone I could really talk to and be myself around, and be accepted. I just felt that pull, you know? Maybe it was just short-term chemistry. And indeed that can end badly when it ends. But someone upthread mentioned sometimes short-term chemistry happens as a means to have something stronger develop. And the thing is, you never know really. So it's a matter of deciding you're ok with that, and ready if it doesn't develop into more.

I just got incredibly lucky, that's all. We're still together nearly 2 years later and happier than we ever thought possible. I never could have imagined someone could treat me so well, be so honest, and make me laugh so often. We have had serious talks about my concerns for our future, and I trust him when he finally confessed he was ready to relocate and leave his family and band members behind when/if I decide to move again. We have discussed marriage (I'm not ready, but that's not him; I may never be...) None of our friends expected any of that, and I didn't either really.

I guess my point is to offer a data point that goes against what the majority of posters and common sense describe as your likely outcome, and no, not because I think it's how it will be for you necessarily. More just to reiterate the above poster re: sure this is probably just chemistry, but how do you know it's not chemistry that happens to get you the relationship you never thought possible? All chemistry is a crapshoot when it comes to development into serious lasting love. The issue is this situation poses more potential mess if it does fizzle, as chemistry often does. It's whether you're prepared for that that matters. But I also do say listen to your gut. I thought I knew better than to get involved when I did, and in my bizarre care I'm relieved I wasn't completely cynical and pragmatic. But...you know. (Shrug)
posted by ifjuly at 2:13 AM on January 5

Your hotness really doesn't matter, IMHO. If you were just of average appearance, the guy might still be "having feelings" for you. For many guys, wanting to have sex with a woman isn't really a feather in the woman's cap --- it doesn't really have much to do with the individual woman, but rather, your physical proximity in the apartment is likely giving him a boner. It's likely that biology is prodding him to pound you, not your wonderfulness.

Moreover, your submission to his invitation for sex is very likely going to diminish his respect for you. All of this wonderful attention he is paying you may fade, once he has "had" you. Outside of committed relationships, guys tend to have more respect for women who don't sleep with them ... and a woman who sleeps a guy quickly, under the casual circumstances you describe, is likely to be marked as crazy.

That having been said, I agree with everyone above who says this is likely to end up being a big mess.

Within a week of my moving in, he tells me that he's starting to have feelings for me and that while he doesn't expect reciprocation, he wanted to get it off his chest.

This guy sounds really immature.
posted by jayder at 4:34 PM on January 5

Well, you're probably going to do what you're going to do regardless of what people tell you here...

wow, I didn't even know that, but you're right. I think we both feel a lot better.

Yes, we did know eachother before moving in. Not well, I'd say, but enough to carry on more than small talk previous to our living together.

Also, after talking about it, I'd like to believe we're mature enough to avoid making any immature and stupid mistakes with this. We also have 10 years worth of live-in relationship experience between us, so that couldn't hurt.

We're both too scared not to be careful, I think.

Thanks all. I <3 you mefi.
posted by sunshinesky at 5:28 AM on January 7