Hey! I can hear you two in there!
January 21, 2007 4:10 PM Subscribe
My brother (with whom I share an apartment) and his girlfriend are having extremely loud sex, and they can't seem to quiet themselves down.
Up to now I've mostly tried to deal with it one on one with him, but he's really defensive about it. I have told him how much this annoys me several times, and I know he has told her in attempt to get her to try to control herself. She was embarrassed, but nothing has changed.
The worst for me was an occasion about a month or so ago where I had a bunch of friends over, and the two of them came home and pretty much immediately went back to his room. When the screaming started, my friends, feeling understandably awkward, left almost immediately. Nothing as bad as that has happened since but me and my girlfriend still have to hear them going at it two to three times a week. It's not a matter of paper thin walls either, because I have sex there not too infrequently and he admits he's never heard a thing.
So basically they know I can hear them just about every time they have sex, several times a week. It's loud enough to wake me up. I want to be nice about it, I've told him how I feel about but he keeps telling me there's nothing he can do about it. Before you ask: no I can't move out. Luckily nobody's coming to blows over this or anything, it just hardcore gets on my nerves / the nerves of my girlfriend and guests. Is there anything I can do or say?
Up to now I've mostly tried to deal with it one on one with him, but he's really defensive about it. I have told him how much this annoys me several times, and I know he has told her in attempt to get her to try to control herself. She was embarrassed, but nothing has changed.
The worst for me was an occasion about a month or so ago where I had a bunch of friends over, and the two of them came home and pretty much immediately went back to his room. When the screaming started, my friends, feeling understandably awkward, left almost immediately. Nothing as bad as that has happened since but me and my girlfriend still have to hear them going at it two to three times a week. It's not a matter of paper thin walls either, because I have sex there not too infrequently and he admits he's never heard a thing.
So basically they know I can hear them just about every time they have sex, several times a week. It's loud enough to wake me up. I want to be nice about it, I've told him how I feel about but he keeps telling me there's nothing he can do about it. Before you ask: no I can't move out. Luckily nobody's coming to blows over this or anything, it just hardcore gets on my nerves / the nerves of my girlfriend and guests. Is there anything I can do or say?
2nd for recording them - then make it your ring-tone.
posted by matty at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by matty at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh man! Okay, first, I think that sucks for you.
Second, um, this is sort of gross, but I feel like most people, when informed that their roommate, particularly when their roommate is their brother, can hear them having sex, would be embarrassed enough to rectify the situation immediately.
So, um. This almost makes me think that there's a fairly large element of exhibitionism at work here.
Also, I sort of feel like, no matter how great it is, it's possible to be quiet(er). Actual screaming, when you know others are in the house, is really, really rude.
In sum! It seems to me that your brother and his girlfriend are being ridiculous. This is a really embarrassing option, but it seems like you've exhausted the normal, polite ones: the next time you're bothered by the rude shrieking, bang on the door, loudly, and go "Hey! Can you please keep it down? You woke me up AGAIN."
Normally, I would never advocate even acknowledging that you overheard accidental loudness, but it strikes me that they've forfeited their right to be politely ignored by being this rude and inconsiderate.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007
Second, um, this is sort of gross, but I feel like most people, when informed that their roommate, particularly when their roommate is their brother, can hear them having sex, would be embarrassed enough to rectify the situation immediately.
So, um. This almost makes me think that there's a fairly large element of exhibitionism at work here.
Also, I sort of feel like, no matter how great it is, it's possible to be quiet(er). Actual screaming, when you know others are in the house, is really, really rude.
In sum! It seems to me that your brother and his girlfriend are being ridiculous. This is a really embarrassing option, but it seems like you've exhausted the normal, polite ones: the next time you're bothered by the rude shrieking, bang on the door, loudly, and go "Hey! Can you please keep it down? You woke me up AGAIN."
Normally, I would never advocate even acknowledging that you overheard accidental loudness, but it strikes me that they've forfeited their right to be politely ignored by being this rude and inconsiderate.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007
Next time have your friends stay and comment loudly on what they are hearing.
(Seriously, could it be they WANT to be overheard?)
posted by konolia at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007
(Seriously, could it be they WANT to be overheard?)
posted by konolia at 4:18 PM on January 21, 2007
You walk up to their door, you open it, and you scream at them "SHUT THE FUCK UP."
Repeat as necessary.
You have been polite, you have made your position clear. They're just being fucking rude.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:21 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
Repeat as necessary.
You have been polite, you have made your position clear. They're just being fucking rude.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:21 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
You don't mention that you've ever interrupted them.
Interrupt them, often.
They'll either shut up or start irritating her roommates. Or better yet, her parents.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 4:22 PM on January 21, 2007
Interrupt them, often.
They'll either shut up or start irritating her roommates. Or better yet, her parents.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 4:22 PM on January 21, 2007
Critique their technique? My downstairs neighbor screams a LOT when she and her boyfriend are having sex. I don't find it that annoying because I can only hear it if I'm in the living room and not watching TV. I'm always tempted to yell, "She's faking it!" at the critical moment, though.
posted by autojack at 4:31 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by autojack at 4:31 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
Up to now I've mostly tried to deal with it one on one with him, but he's really defensive about it. I have told him how much this annoys me several times, and I know he has told her in attempt to get her to try to control herself. She was embarrassed, but nothing has changed.
He's defensive because they're getting off on the amount of noise they make. At this point, it's less and less relevant that it's sexnoise. Treat it like anyol'kindanoise.
Nthing banging on the wall. If no change results:
Nthing interrupting them. Open the door and yell "what the fuck is wrong with you that you don't care that you've woken me up/etc." and storm off. Leave door open.
posted by desuetude at 4:35 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
He's defensive because they're getting off on the amount of noise they make. At this point, it's less and less relevant that it's sexnoise. Treat it like anyol'kindanoise.
Nthing banging on the wall. If no change results:
Nthing interrupting them. Open the door and yell "what the fuck is wrong with you that you don't care that you've woken me up/etc." and storm off. Leave door open.
posted by desuetude at 4:35 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
Buy season one of The Golden Girls on DVD and crank it up outside their door next time they're going at it. That should kill their mood pretty quickly.
posted by bondcliff at 4:39 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 4:39 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
Let them have their fun. If loud sex noises cause awkward pauses in conversation with guests, just shrug and say "yeah, they do that."
Unless they actually are waking you up, why does this have to be a big deal?
posted by flabdablet at 4:46 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Unless they actually are waking you up, why does this have to be a big deal?
posted by flabdablet at 4:46 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Buy ball gags for each of them -- a 'his and hers' set if you can find it. It'll get the point across.
posted by SpecialK at 4:47 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by SpecialK at 4:47 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Bucket of cold water.
posted by docgonzo at 4:49 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by docgonzo at 4:49 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
I agree that they LIKE the noise. Certainly, they like the noise more than they hate the embarassment.
Possible operant conditioning strategy: say something positive every night GF stays over and there is no noise. "I slept through last night, didn't hear a thing." Do not show any reaction, of any kind, if there is noise. In theory, over a few weeks, you will train them to shut up. Especially if as we think they are getting off on the exhibitionism.
Ultimate recourse: either you, the brother, or the GF goes.
They can always have loud sex at the girlfriend's place. Oh, is the noise a problem there? Well, that shows they would rather annoy you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:51 PM on January 21, 2007
Possible operant conditioning strategy: say something positive every night GF stays over and there is no noise. "I slept through last night, didn't hear a thing." Do not show any reaction, of any kind, if there is noise. In theory, over a few weeks, you will train them to shut up. Especially if as we think they are getting off on the exhibitionism.
Ultimate recourse: either you, the brother, or the GF goes.
They can always have loud sex at the girlfriend's place. Oh, is the noise a problem there? Well, that shows they would rather annoy you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:51 PM on January 21, 2007
PS: while I don't think docgonzo's answer is sensible it is actually the very first thing I thought of too.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2007
How old are these two, anyway? Has she just seen too many movies?
posted by dilettante at 4:55 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by dilettante at 4:55 PM on January 21, 2007
they can't seem to quiet themselves down
Unless she has documented brain damage or other neurological problem, that's pure horseshit. Of course she can quiet herself down. She just doesn't want to. This is lame performance art on her part, is all.
Interruptions seem warranted. I'd suggest starting by simply repeating them at similar volume, or by shouting QUIET! loud enough for them to hear. Opening the door on them would be a serious escalation beyond that, IMHO.
Even if they still have annoying loud sex, at least they might more frequently do it somewhere else if doing it in your place has negative consequences.
If she maintains that she cannot control herself, you should repeatedly suggest that she needs to see a physician, because being unable to control your vocalizations likely means that something very bad is going on in her head, though of course I am not a physician.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:00 PM on January 21, 2007
Unless she has documented brain damage or other neurological problem, that's pure horseshit. Of course she can quiet herself down. She just doesn't want to. This is lame performance art on her part, is all.
Interruptions seem warranted. I'd suggest starting by simply repeating them at similar volume, or by shouting QUIET! loud enough for them to hear. Opening the door on them would be a serious escalation beyond that, IMHO.
Even if they still have annoying loud sex, at least they might more frequently do it somewhere else if doing it in your place has negative consequences.
If she maintains that she cannot control herself, you should repeatedly suggest that she needs to see a physician, because being unable to control your vocalizations likely means that something very bad is going on in her head, though of course I am not a physician.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:00 PM on January 21, 2007
Is there anything I can do or say?
Why are you bothered by this? They're having good sex, that's great!
At most, try to work out some agreement that they don't go at it while you have company over or suggest that they spend time at her place, but really, buy some earplugs and be happy for your brother.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:00 PM on January 21, 2007
Why are you bothered by this? They're having good sex, that's great!
At most, try to work out some agreement that they don't go at it while you have company over or suggest that they spend time at her place, but really, buy some earplugs and be happy for your brother.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:00 PM on January 21, 2007
And see this answer to a previous question about a boring sex life. Maybe you can buy your brother a book.
posted by dilettante at 5:02 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by dilettante at 5:02 PM on January 21, 2007
Since you have already talked to him about it, and he states he can't shut her up... I agree with interupting them often. Pound on the door and ask for asinine things like if you could borrow a cup of sugar. See if you can time it so you can interupt an orgasm. They will never want to have sex there if you do this. Nothing is more annoying than having sex with no orgasm, especially if you are a chick. It's rather infuriating actually.
posted by Attackpanda at 5:02 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by Attackpanda at 5:02 PM on January 21, 2007
You could shut them up by charging horny and desperate men admission to your apartment to listen to them. Craigslist is your hookup.
posted by MegoSteve at 5:03 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by MegoSteve at 5:03 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
Oh, and encourage them to cheer on the participants.
posted by MegoSteve at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by MegoSteve at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
Also, if this happens when you have friends over, briefly explain the situation to them and encourage them to join you in repeating their utterances, and to call your brother by whatever names she calls him whilst fucking at all occasions and especially to your parents and grandparents.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
can they play music whilst doing it?
it wouldnt help when you were trying to sleep, but it might lessen the awkwardness at other times.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
it wouldnt help when you were trying to sleep, but it might lessen the awkwardness at other times.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:04 PM on January 21, 2007
Loud, heavy metal music, preferably bad. Drown them out.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 5:05 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by unrepentanthippie at 5:05 PM on January 21, 2007
I've been in your situation. There is little you can do other than knock on the door while they are doing it and ask them to be quiet. But you have to ask them to stop in the correct way. This is because she knows she's loud and is getting a thrill out of the fact that you can hear; she imagines that you enjoy it secretly. By not complaining, you are in fact reinforcing this idea, she imagines so anyway. If you make a huge deal out of it, the she'll get a thrill that you are angry since the act will be more taboo. You have to complain in a way that ruins the enjoyment for her of involving you in the act.
Maybe someone else has an idea of how to do that (without ruining your relationship with your brother).
posted by about_time at 5:10 PM on January 21, 2007
Maybe someone else has an idea of how to do that (without ruining your relationship with your brother).
posted by about_time at 5:10 PM on January 21, 2007
At the appropriate moment, cheer loudly and applaud.
posted by Robert Angelo at 5:10 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Robert Angelo at 5:10 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
You need to talk with her directly. Arriving and commencing loud shrieking sex when you already have a bunch of friends over is pretty damn rude, and she needs to learn to control herself. Otherwise, the two of them are almost certainly showing off. "No screaming sex when I have company" should be ground rule number one. Insist on it, to her face, directly. Compare it to blasting music at top volume and tell her it's unacceptable when you're sleeping, too. Then ask, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" until she says yes.
posted by mediareport at 5:11 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by mediareport at 5:11 PM on January 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
The fact that a sibling is involved leads me to immediately believe that they are showing off to annoy or one-up you. Either don't get involved, talk to her separately, or do the one-up thing.
posted by softlord at 5:19 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by softlord at 5:19 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
Having considered it, and having read the other suggestions, I have a great idea.
Install some sort of noise detector that attaches to the main light(s) in the room, that works as a VU meter - loud noises make the lights bright in the room. Put some really high wattage bulbs in there too.
Either it'll work, and they'll shut up, or they'll have some strange sensory experience (and a really good time) in there.
posted by armoured-ant at 5:20 PM on January 21, 2007
Install some sort of noise detector that attaches to the main light(s) in the room, that works as a VU meter - loud noises make the lights bright in the room. Put some really high wattage bulbs in there too.
Either it'll work, and they'll shut up, or they'll have some strange sensory experience (and a really good time) in there.
posted by armoured-ant at 5:20 PM on January 21, 2007
I nth the notion that they're making you an unwilling voyeur.
The answer to this is to mock them loudly and laugh whenever they start up the noise. They want you to be embarrassed - make it clear that you think it's pathetic showmanship.
Laughter kills the sexy. They'll stop.
posted by winna at 5:21 PM on January 21, 2007
The answer to this is to mock them loudly and laugh whenever they start up the noise. They want you to be embarrassed - make it clear that you think it's pathetic showmanship.
Laughter kills the sexy. They'll stop.
posted by winna at 5:21 PM on January 21, 2007
Roberto Angelo has it. Exactly. Maybe even a tape recording of a large audience applauding, played loudly at the right moment.
posted by jferg at 5:24 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by jferg at 5:24 PM on January 21, 2007
I can't believe I even read this thread, but this happened to a friend of mine and I love pranks, so:
1. When they do this, play Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" again, and again. Every single time. Then wait a week, and put it on your home voicemail. Bonus points if you can somehow make it their ringtones. Extra bonus points if you can make it your doorbell. You have to think about this all the time, why shouldn't they?
2. (The more sinister approach): Record them, and then when you hear them starting up next time, play the recording at high volume. Wait for them to pause and go, "What the hell?"
3. He is your brother, tell your mom!
You probably shouldn't do any of these (except #1), but hopefully thinking of them made you laugh a bit. Your situation is awful. I hope it works out soon.
posted by 4ster at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2007 [4 favorites]
1. When they do this, play Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" again, and again. Every single time. Then wait a week, and put it on your home voicemail. Bonus points if you can somehow make it their ringtones. Extra bonus points if you can make it your doorbell. You have to think about this all the time, why shouldn't they?
2. (The more sinister approach): Record them, and then when you hear them starting up next time, play the recording at high volume. Wait for them to pause and go, "What the hell?"
3. He is your brother, tell your mom!
You probably shouldn't do any of these (except #1), but hopefully thinking of them made you laugh a bit. Your situation is awful. I hope it works out soon.
posted by 4ster at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2007 [4 favorites]
Just take up the accordion.
posted by The White Hat at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by The White Hat at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2007
If they know you can hear them, you can be assured they like it that way.
I say you get some of the loudest most obnoxious porn you can find and start playing it as loud as possible when ever they are just hanging out together.
posted by paxton at 5:33 PM on January 21, 2007
I say you get some of the loudest most obnoxious porn you can find and start playing it as loud as possible when ever they are just hanging out together.
posted by paxton at 5:33 PM on January 21, 2007
Best answer: I really, strongly advise against "opening the door" and interrupting them. It's skeevy enough to hear your sibling having sex, but to actually see them going at it would probably be permanently scarring.
Interrupt them, certainly. Bang on the door. Yell at them. But do not open the door.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:33 PM on January 21, 2007
Interrupt them, certainly. Bang on the door. Yell at them. But do not open the door.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:33 PM on January 21, 2007
I think that there are two separate problems: loud sex when you are trying to sleep, and loud sex when you have friends over. The first is really just part of living with other people --- they have sex, they cook stinky food, they leave their shoes in the living room. You can complain, but the standard needs to be pretty high.
Loud sex noises when there are guests over is not ok, and you need to make that clear in no uncertain terms. (At a minimum, they need to turn on the stereo loud enough to mostly drown out the noises.)
But since you can't really go in there with duct tape and a bucket of cold water, you are pretty much limited to talking to them. My guess is that they won't really change anything, because some people just like making lots of noise and kind of like having the whole neighborhood know that they are having sex. At that point one of you will need to move out, or you will have to change your attitude towards loud sex.
posted by Forktine at 5:34 PM on January 21, 2007
Loud sex noises when there are guests over is not ok, and you need to make that clear in no uncertain terms. (At a minimum, they need to turn on the stereo loud enough to mostly drown out the noises.)
But since you can't really go in there with duct tape and a bucket of cold water, you are pretty much limited to talking to them. My guess is that they won't really change anything, because some people just like making lots of noise and kind of like having the whole neighborhood know that they are having sex. At that point one of you will need to move out, or you will have to change your attitude towards loud sex.
posted by Forktine at 5:34 PM on January 21, 2007
Best answer: You may find this previous thread describing a similar problem useful.
posted by hot soup girl at 5:46 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by hot soup girl at 5:46 PM on January 21, 2007
I was thinking that perhaps you could pretend to be having sex with her when they're going at it. Try to keep up, yell dirty talk through the door/walls, and really pretend like your enjoying this. If your brother doesn't get seriously pissed at you for that, then clearly he's vying for some sort of odd threesome.
Either way, I would definitely think about moving. If your brother has such little respect for you that he would start having sex when your friends are around, he's an asshole and not much of a brother. Remind him of that. If he doesn't care, he probably never will (in the near future). Maybe it's time for a change anyway.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 6:00 PM on January 21, 2007
Either way, I would definitely think about moving. If your brother has such little respect for you that he would start having sex when your friends are around, he's an asshole and not much of a brother. Remind him of that. If he doesn't care, he probably never will (in the near future). Maybe it's time for a change anyway.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 6:00 PM on January 21, 2007
Best answer: Ok, so it's going to turn ugly. Really.
You're going to have to approach your brother in such a way that it's not "embarassing" nor something he gets defensive about.
Apologize. Seriously. Tell him you're embarrassed. Tell him it's causing a problem with your sleep/work. Offer to buy him/her a gag.
Behaved civilized, do not scream, do not accuse, do not blame. See if you can find a way to make it work.
Now, if you're going to get nasty, kill their libido.
Bring it up at the next family meal.
Have your mom call (repeatedly).
Or his ex.
Or your grandmother.
Play abusive country songs and leave the apartment while it's playing. Loud.
Take his door off the hinges.
Put itching powder in his bed.
Leave copies of
And if you're really serious.... (sorry about this)...stop flushing. seriously. Tell him you're never going to flush again until they quiet down.
posted by filmgeek at 6:29 PM on January 21, 2007
You're going to have to approach your brother in such a way that it's not "embarassing" nor something he gets defensive about.
Apologize. Seriously. Tell him you're embarrassed. Tell him it's causing a problem with your sleep/work. Offer to buy him/her a gag.
Behaved civilized, do not scream, do not accuse, do not blame. See if you can find a way to make it work.
Now, if you're going to get nasty, kill their libido.
Bring it up at the next family meal.
Have your mom call (repeatedly).
Or his ex.
Or your grandmother.
Play abusive country songs and leave the apartment while it's playing. Loud.
Take his door off the hinges.
Put itching powder in his bed.
Leave copies of
And if you're really serious.... (sorry about this)...stop flushing. seriously. Tell him you're never going to flush again until they quiet down.
posted by filmgeek at 6:29 PM on January 21, 2007
I expect this is more-or-less an invitation for you to join in.
That's how I'd treat it anyway. Either you get to have loud sex with her or else they'll find another venue.
Either way, hey, score.
posted by Ynoxas at 6:36 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
That's how I'd treat it anyway. Either you get to have loud sex with her or else they'll find another venue.
Either way, hey, score.
posted by Ynoxas at 6:36 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]
I agree that wall-banging/shouting are in order.
If you're looking to have a little fun: get a recording of Copland's "Rodeo" (made famous in the "Beef: It's What's For Dinner" commercials) and play it loudly whenever they start hollering. You can't have sex to that song. You just can't.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 6:41 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
If you're looking to have a little fun: get a recording of Copland's "Rodeo" (made famous in the "Beef: It's What's For Dinner" commercials) and play it loudly whenever they start hollering. You can't have sex to that song. You just can't.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 6:41 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
When my old roommate had wall-banging sex, I put on certain episodes of Sex and the City (usually one involving Samantha getting a booty call) and cranked the sound up real loud. The message was received.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:58 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:58 PM on January 21, 2007
One thing that hasn't been brought up here, and I think deserves comment - your brother is perhaps having the best sex he'll ever have. Ever. Maybe this is something he'll carry with him the rest of his days, maybe they truly do rock each others boat. Maybe it's not all a game or whatever all has been noted thus far in this thread.
I know that all the walls and floors being banged didn't stop us when we were together, when I was with her; all of my floors and walls were shaking anyways, and moving, my soul was shaking and moving. I knew then that it was the very best and it is to this day, I can still see her face, I can still feel my fingers digging into her ass, I still want to scream and holler. Jesus.
And here's something else that hasn't been brought up in this thread - it's time to move into/onto a new living situation. Not one person has caught this: It's time to take responsibility, to take action, to leave, to ease on out away from family. Find a new place ASAP, give your brother notice.
Be as kind as you can - brotherhood is for life, and no call to damage this relationship; this can easily be done with class on your part, and you'll be really glad you took the high road, and he'll never forget it, either.
Let him take the responsibility for finding a new roomie, maybe he can poll Craigslist for deaf people as roommates.
It's time for a change! Hurray! Embrace it. Move on. Don't even think of opening the door on him, or playing music or telling relatives or anything else, realize he's onto something big (har!) and that it's time to move on, and then do so.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:14 PM on January 21, 2007 [5 favorites]
I know that all the walls and floors being banged didn't stop us when we were together, when I was with her; all of my floors and walls were shaking anyways, and moving, my soul was shaking and moving. I knew then that it was the very best and it is to this day, I can still see her face, I can still feel my fingers digging into her ass, I still want to scream and holler. Jesus.
And here's something else that hasn't been brought up in this thread - it's time to move into/onto a new living situation. Not one person has caught this: It's time to take responsibility, to take action, to leave, to ease on out away from family. Find a new place ASAP, give your brother notice.
Be as kind as you can - brotherhood is for life, and no call to damage this relationship; this can easily be done with class on your part, and you'll be really glad you took the high road, and he'll never forget it, either.
Let him take the responsibility for finding a new roomie, maybe he can poll Craigslist for deaf people as roommates.
It's time for a change! Hurray! Embrace it. Move on. Don't even think of opening the door on him, or playing music or telling relatives or anything else, realize he's onto something big (har!) and that it's time to move on, and then do so.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:14 PM on January 21, 2007 [5 favorites]
Play some loud, cheesy 70s porno music. The more wah the better.
(No, really... I did this when the girl upstairs kept having noisy sex at 3am on weeknights when I had class at 8am the next day and it worked.)
posted by AV at 9:01 PM on January 21, 2007
(No, really... I did this when the girl upstairs kept having noisy sex at 3am on weeknights when I had class at 8am the next day and it worked.)
posted by AV at 9:01 PM on January 21, 2007
I lived with my brother for a year, and his bedroom was right off of the living room. A combination of loud sex, thin walls and close proximity meant that people could tell when he was getting head (slurping) verses fucking his then-girlfriend-now-wife. And yeah, we told him to keep it down. He didn't really care, and I can understand why.
But she did.
Have a word with her. Feel free to be blunt— the time for passive aggression and frat boy pranks is over. If you can catch her coming out of the room right afterwards and start in on her then, she'll get the picture. This isn't cool, this isn't funny. Tell her to go to her place if she's gotta scream.
I find the blunt intervention of an unamused stranger generally cools even the exhibitionists.
Otherwise, yeah, pound on the door, throw the bucket of cold-water, tell her she sounds like a whore, tell mom. Hell, tell her mom. But being blunt worked for me.
(And now I have an incredibly loud bed that I fear paints a picture for my roommate, but my girlfriend isn't in town often, so t'hell with him).
posted by klangklangston at 9:11 PM on January 21, 2007
But she did.
Have a word with her. Feel free to be blunt— the time for passive aggression and frat boy pranks is over. If you can catch her coming out of the room right afterwards and start in on her then, she'll get the picture. This isn't cool, this isn't funny. Tell her to go to her place if she's gotta scream.
I find the blunt intervention of an unamused stranger generally cools even the exhibitionists.
Otherwise, yeah, pound on the door, throw the bucket of cold-water, tell her she sounds like a whore, tell mom. Hell, tell her mom. But being blunt worked for me.
(And now I have an incredibly loud bed that I fear paints a picture for my roommate, but my girlfriend isn't in town often, so t'hell with him).
posted by klangklangston at 9:11 PM on January 21, 2007
Buy earplugs, headphones, a white noise machine, etc, ANYTHING to help you sleep.
Also, if you have guests over and they start getting loud, put on some music to at least mask the noise (if not drown it out) and/or offer to your guests to re-convene somewhere less noisy. Don't get embarrassed about it, or pretend like nothing is happening, be up front in a "Yeah, they have loud sex a lot, what are you gonna do?" sort of way.
This is not only your roommate, it's your brother. He's allowed to have loud sex in his home. Sure, it bugs you, but wouldn't you appreciate the favor if you were getting it on with YOUR girlfriend and you were left alone no matter the noise level? If you start interrupting him, I fear that he would do the same to you if you brought a girl home. Don't set a precedent here.
You've already talked to him about it, so continue doing so. Just tell him "Look, I can hear you guys. I don't think you know what I mean by LOUD. Krakatoa? It has nothing on you two." Keep telling him. But that's really all you can or should do.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:14 PM on January 21, 2007
Also, if you have guests over and they start getting loud, put on some music to at least mask the noise (if not drown it out) and/or offer to your guests to re-convene somewhere less noisy. Don't get embarrassed about it, or pretend like nothing is happening, be up front in a "Yeah, they have loud sex a lot, what are you gonna do?" sort of way.
This is not only your roommate, it's your brother. He's allowed to have loud sex in his home. Sure, it bugs you, but wouldn't you appreciate the favor if you were getting it on with YOUR girlfriend and you were left alone no matter the noise level? If you start interrupting him, I fear that he would do the same to you if you brought a girl home. Don't set a precedent here.
You've already talked to him about it, so continue doing so. Just tell him "Look, I can hear you guys. I don't think you know what I mean by LOUD. Krakatoa? It has nothing on you two." Keep telling him. But that's really all you can or should do.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:14 PM on January 21, 2007
In this situation me and the third roommate were complaining about it with each other one day, not knowing the noisy girlfriend was still in the house after roommate 1 had gone to work. She heard our complaints, and that was the end of the problem. Complain about it loud enough for her to hear, is what I'm saying.
posted by planetkyoto at 9:21 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by planetkyoto at 9:21 PM on January 21, 2007
i have lived in a lot of collective living situations, so i have heard a lot of people having sex at a lot of volumes. this has never seemed like a big problem in the places i've been.
i strongly disagree with a lot of the comments that have been made here suggesting a dichotomy of motivations-- either the girlfriend doesn't know what is going on and would be horribly embarassed to learn about it, or she does know and they get off on being heard and/or like to annoy you.
i think that while most people _can_ be quiet most of the time, it can be easier and more fun not to have to. maybe they are doing it on purpose but i think it's far more likely that they (or she) just don't care, and behave similarly when you're not around.
i do think it's rude, but only because the noise is disturbingly loud and you have asked them to keep it quieter. my only other suggestion is that i agree about talking to the girlfriend. if she is that loud she should not be surprised that people hear it, and it is possible that your brother hasn't even mentioned it. other than that, i would treat it like any other domestic disagreement between two parties who are equally in the right-- can you compromise on this, or trade more consideration for some sort of thing they would like you to do differently?
posted by lgyre at 9:42 PM on January 21, 2007
i strongly disagree with a lot of the comments that have been made here suggesting a dichotomy of motivations-- either the girlfriend doesn't know what is going on and would be horribly embarassed to learn about it, or she does know and they get off on being heard and/or like to annoy you.
i think that while most people _can_ be quiet most of the time, it can be easier and more fun not to have to. maybe they are doing it on purpose but i think it's far more likely that they (or she) just don't care, and behave similarly when you're not around.
i do think it's rude, but only because the noise is disturbingly loud and you have asked them to keep it quieter. my only other suggestion is that i agree about talking to the girlfriend. if she is that loud she should not be surprised that people hear it, and it is possible that your brother hasn't even mentioned it. other than that, i would treat it like any other domestic disagreement between two parties who are equally in the right-- can you compromise on this, or trade more consideration for some sort of thing they would like you to do differently?
posted by lgyre at 9:42 PM on January 21, 2007
I'm amazed at the number of people who assume that the brother and/or girlfriend are making a sex puppet out of the guy. I think you've spent too much time on the internet.
A fair number of people enjoy loud sex. Really get off on it. It has nothing to do with being overheard, but with the enthusiasm of the partners. Telling them to keep the noise down is like asking them to only do it missionary style, or through a hole in a sheet. Maybe that's how you like sex, they they like it differently, and there's no way to approach it without pissing them off.
This is part of having roommates. And brothers. Sometimes they wake you up in the middle of the night. I'd rather get woken up by really excellent sex than what I was woken up by my room mates: Verbal abuse setting the kitchen on fire, and being really loud and drunk.
Live with it. Be glad there are people around who are enjoying the hell out of something.
posted by Ookseer at 9:54 PM on January 21, 2007
A fair number of people enjoy loud sex. Really get off on it. It has nothing to do with being overheard, but with the enthusiasm of the partners. Telling them to keep the noise down is like asking them to only do it missionary style, or through a hole in a sheet. Maybe that's how you like sex, they they like it differently, and there's no way to approach it without pissing them off.
This is part of having roommates. And brothers. Sometimes they wake you up in the middle of the night. I'd rather get woken up by really excellent sex than what I was woken up by my room mates: Verbal abuse setting the kitchen on fire, and being really loud and drunk.
Live with it. Be glad there are people around who are enjoying the hell out of something.
posted by Ookseer at 9:54 PM on January 21, 2007
Walk in on them, and in as cool a voice as you can muster, ask them if they wouldn't mind turning the volume down a smooch.
posted by hadjiboy at 10:06 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by hadjiboy at 10:06 PM on January 21, 2007
And if that doesn't work--get one of those Band Drums that you have to wear, and walk in on them with that banging away to your heart's content; if it doesn't break his/her concentration--then the least it will do is to give you something to release your aggression with... good luck!
posted by hadjiboy at 10:08 PM on January 21, 2007
posted by hadjiboy at 10:08 PM on January 21, 2007
This is part of having roommates.
That's just crazy. Part of having roommates is honoring them when they have guests over. Immediately going to your room to have shrieking sex when your roommate already has company in the house is *not* being a good roommate, and you have every right to ask them to stop being so goddamn rude.
posted by mediareport at 10:12 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
That's just crazy. Part of having roommates is honoring them when they have guests over. Immediately going to your room to have shrieking sex when your roommate already has company in the house is *not* being a good roommate, and you have every right to ask them to stop being so goddamn rude.
posted by mediareport at 10:12 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
This is part of having roommates. And brothers.
I'm sorry, but no one who's considerate would commence fucking loudly when his brother was having guests over. And the idea that he has carte blanche to do what he wants when he wants with whomever he wants, since it's his apartment, is just stupid. It's anonymous's apartment, too, and the random loud sex just isn't fair.
They can go to her place if they have to have loud sex.
posted by oaf at 11:50 PM on January 21, 2007
I'm sorry, but no one who's considerate would commence fucking loudly when his brother was having guests over. And the idea that he has carte blanche to do what he wants when he wants with whomever he wants, since it's his apartment, is just stupid. It's anonymous's apartment, too, and the random loud sex just isn't fair.
They can go to her place if they have to have loud sex.
posted by oaf at 11:50 PM on January 21, 2007
I had a girlfriend like this once. I don't know how my roommate dealt with it, but I know he used ear plugs. I peed on her in the shower once... you know, for fun. And then she dumped me. End of problem.
posted by wfrgms at 12:39 AM on January 22, 2007
posted by wfrgms at 12:39 AM on January 22, 2007
I would download the Benny Hill theme music and play it at high volume whenever it's a problem.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 3:06 AM on January 22, 2007
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 3:06 AM on January 22, 2007
I'm not getting the few people here who are suggesting anonymous is the one who needs to modify his behavior to accomodate the brother and girlfriend. Besides, he said he can't move, so stop telling him to move! Sheesh.
My semi-worthless suggestion is this: decide on what single situation is the most inappropriate. Focus on that one situation, not on a bunch of situations. Just one.
Sounds like the biggest problem is when they make loud sexnoise when your friends are over, so I'll use that as an example. Tell your brother that you absolutely need to have a rule that there will be no loud sexnoise when others are over, and explain why. Be clear and concise. Make sure you tell your brother that if he insists the girlfriend can't control it, you'll approach her directly if it happens again.
The next time loud sexnoise happens when friends are over, approach the girlfriend. Make sure that you don't say anything that would make her think you're getting off on her noise, because I agree there's a chance she's showing off. I've had several apartment neighbors who showed off when they brought a partner home, so I don't think it's unreasonable to suspect she might be the same way.
If that doesn't work, then you'll have to consider something drastic or somehow find a way to live with their noise. This is your brother, so you'll want to weigh the options, and probably don't want to cause a permanent rift between you two. I'd stay away from pranks at this point, personally. Good luck.
posted by smashingstars at 4:09 AM on January 22, 2007
My semi-worthless suggestion is this: decide on what single situation is the most inappropriate. Focus on that one situation, not on a bunch of situations. Just one.
Sounds like the biggest problem is when they make loud sexnoise when your friends are over, so I'll use that as an example. Tell your brother that you absolutely need to have a rule that there will be no loud sexnoise when others are over, and explain why. Be clear and concise. Make sure you tell your brother that if he insists the girlfriend can't control it, you'll approach her directly if it happens again.
The next time loud sexnoise happens when friends are over, approach the girlfriend. Make sure that you don't say anything that would make her think you're getting off on her noise, because I agree there's a chance she's showing off. I've had several apartment neighbors who showed off when they brought a partner home, so I don't think it's unreasonable to suspect she might be the same way.
If that doesn't work, then you'll have to consider something drastic or somehow find a way to live with their noise. This is your brother, so you'll want to weigh the options, and probably don't want to cause a permanent rift between you two. I'd stay away from pranks at this point, personally. Good luck.
posted by smashingstars at 4:09 AM on January 22, 2007
He's jerking your chain because he can -- because he's your brother. He figures you aren't going to (can't? is he the older, bigger, meaner brother?) open the door and kick his ass, and you aren't going to tell mom (or he doesn't give a rat's ass what you tell mom or anyone else because he's proud of having frequent and vigorous sex). They might not even be having sex half the time you hear the screaming -- they just make the noise because they know it's pissing you off and they think it's hilarious and won't stop.
Also possible: he wants you to move out and you're not taking the hint. You say you can't move out but maybe he thinks otherwise -- that you can move out but you won't, though he is trying hard to convince you.
Another possibility: he doesn't like your friends.
Another possibility: he doesn't mind you or your friends, but he (they?) want to get rid of you so they can have the place to themselves.
Anything is possible.
posted by pracowity at 4:18 AM on January 22, 2007
Also possible: he wants you to move out and you're not taking the hint. You say you can't move out but maybe he thinks otherwise -- that you can move out but you won't, though he is trying hard to convince you.
Another possibility: he doesn't like your friends.
Another possibility: he doesn't mind you or your friends, but he (they?) want to get rid of you so they can have the place to themselves.
Anything is possible.
posted by pracowity at 4:18 AM on January 22, 2007
It's always possible to move, unless you are in prison or something. It may not be practical, but it's possible.
posted by Melsky at 5:09 AM on January 22, 2007
posted by Melsky at 5:09 AM on January 22, 2007
Talk to the girlfriend about it, and if that doesn't work tell both your brother and his girlfriend that you will be moving out by [soonest possible date] if they don't pipe down. If they don't, move out.
This is the funniest AskMe thread I ever remember reading, but I wouldn't start some sort of noise war. All right, I might try cranking the "I Will Always Love You" or some such wretched love ballad, but that would be the extent of it. You want not to have to listen to your brother going at it, not to ruin your relationship with him and your possibly future sister-in-law.
posted by orange swan at 5:56 AM on January 22, 2007
This is the funniest AskMe thread I ever remember reading, but I wouldn't start some sort of noise war. All right, I might try cranking the "I Will Always Love You" or some such wretched love ballad, but that would be the extent of it. You want not to have to listen to your brother going at it, not to ruin your relationship with him and your possibly future sister-in-law.
posted by orange swan at 5:56 AM on January 22, 2007
Good lord. The people saying "accept it, it's part of having roommates" are just flat out wrong. Being woken up in the middle of the night, no matter WHAT the reason, is just flat out rude and unacceptable. Likewise making the common living area unusable for entertaining guests (screaming sex when it's known that guests are there, for example) is also unacceptable. You say that you can't move out, but I imagine that this will eventually grow to be so annoying that you HAVE TO move out, and it could seriously damage your relationship with your brother due to the resentment you feel towards his rudeness. Talk to her about it, see what she says. Have a big group conversation with the two of them. Tell them that you're glad they're having great sex, but when it wakes you up/forces your friends to leave, that's just not cool. It's a shared apartment, it's not like you're bumming your bro's couch for a few weeks. It should be equally usable for both roommates.
posted by antifuse at 7:02 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by antifuse at 7:02 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
@Oaf: I simply said that roommates and brothers can be annoying from time to time. Not sure where the rest of that came from.
On review, I'm just going to say the one thing I can't believe no one has suggested:
Break them up. Shouldn't be too hard to cause some suspicion of infidelity. A well placed note, an extra toothbrush in the bathroom, some long hairs on his pillow...
Yeah, you'd be a real prime asshole to do that but the question is how bad is the problem, really?
posted by Ookseer at 7:11 AM on January 22, 2007
On review, I'm just going to say the one thing I can't believe no one has suggested:
Break them up. Shouldn't be too hard to cause some suspicion of infidelity. A well placed note, an extra toothbrush in the bathroom, some long hairs on his pillow...
Yeah, you'd be a real prime asshole to do that but the question is how bad is the problem, really?
posted by Ookseer at 7:11 AM on January 22, 2007
It's always funny to me how the people who are supposed to be considerate and tolerant in any situation are the people who are already trying to be considerate and tolerant. It's as if when you're an asshole who can't think about other people's needs you receive a free pass to be an asshole forever, but if just once you try to understand the other person's point of view you're doomed forever to keeping quiet about annoying behavior.
Waking up your roommates with your loud annoying sex is not acceptable, I don't care if your orgasms are strong enough to flake paint off the walls. The same goes for having loud noisy sex when your roommate has guests. Part of living with people is adapting, and that rule does not suddenly stop because you've got a boyfriend who can make you see stars whilst making the beast with two backs.
It's not too much to ask for the roommate to tone down the noise. I really wonder how many of the people who seem to think it's incredibly rude would feel about it if they were woken up out of a sound sleep by that kind of nonsense over and over again. I am thinking the live and let live attitude would be less in evidence.
posted by winna at 8:16 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
Waking up your roommates with your loud annoying sex is not acceptable, I don't care if your orgasms are strong enough to flake paint off the walls. The same goes for having loud noisy sex when your roommate has guests. Part of living with people is adapting, and that rule does not suddenly stop because you've got a boyfriend who can make you see stars whilst making the beast with two backs.
It's not too much to ask for the roommate to tone down the noise. I really wonder how many of the people who seem to think it's incredibly rude would feel about it if they were woken up out of a sound sleep by that kind of nonsense over and over again. I am thinking the live and let live attitude would be less in evidence.
posted by winna at 8:16 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
Burst open the door, grab a nipple, any nipple, and give it a twist.
"Oh sorry, thought it was the volume knob."
Don't do this
posted by Skorgu at 8:32 AM on January 22, 2007
"Oh sorry, thought it was the volume knob."
Don't do this
posted by Skorgu at 8:32 AM on January 22, 2007
Best answer: This is part of having roommates.
So is respect. We have a dilemma! Let's work this out:
posted by pardonyou? at 8:42 AM on January 22, 2007
So is respect. We have a dilemma! Let's work this out:
- Way anon's brother and his girlfriend could resolve this problem: Be quieter.
- Way anon could resolve this problem: Grit his teeth until the distraction ends. Stop having friends over. Ignore it when his girlfriend is over, sending the message that his accommodation of his brother's particular sexual expression is more important than her discomfort. Move out.
posted by pardonyou? at 8:42 AM on January 22, 2007
um, the OP is not anonymous...
posted by Robert Angelo at 9:07 AM on January 22, 2007
posted by Robert Angelo at 9:07 AM on January 22, 2007
Hi, it's me. Shanevsevil, the OP. I'm confused by the number of people who are calling me "anonymous"...
Lots of good advice here, I think the safest thing is for me to keep it low key and specify some situations where this is really unacceptable (like right when I am going to bed) and gently talk to them both about it the next few times it comes up. They're showing me they're trying to be nice. They haven't retreated into his room when anyone other than me and my girlfriend were around lately. My ideal would be for him to give me a heads up so they could have the apartment to themselves, but I'm willing to settle for just keeping it quiet if my girlfriend or I are trying to sleep.
My bro also happens to read this site now and then, so this is in a small part calculated to get all this advice to HIM as well. (Hi bro!)
posted by shanevsevil at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2007
Lots of good advice here, I think the safest thing is for me to keep it low key and specify some situations where this is really unacceptable (like right when I am going to bed) and gently talk to them both about it the next few times it comes up. They're showing me they're trying to be nice. They haven't retreated into his room when anyone other than me and my girlfriend were around lately. My ideal would be for him to give me a heads up so they could have the apartment to themselves, but I'm willing to settle for just keeping it quiet if my girlfriend or I are trying to sleep.
My bro also happens to read this site now and then, so this is in a small part calculated to get all this advice to HIM as well. (Hi bro!)
posted by shanevsevil at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
Give them a taste of their own medicine?
Purchase earplugs?
As to your guests -- make some sort of agreement of discrete "time for having people over" and "time for sleeping/sexing" that makes sure the two don't overlap?
posted by olinerd at 4:17 PM on January 21, 2007