love 'em and leave 'em (breathless and sweaty).

October 17, 2005 4:26 AM

The joys of casual sex! I have recently entered into my first casual relationship, and I want to make it as fun and fantastic as possible. I have lots of questions, and I hope you'll share some of your favourite stories so I can steal the ideas of your greatest lovers.

How do you deal with the affection that invariably comes along with that sort of intimacy? How can you have a real, actual friendship with your fuckbuddy without it leading to emotional confusion?

What kinds of sexy things have your casual partners done that just blew you away? (Did the nature of your relationship really make any difference?)

In general, I'm curious to know what people expect of their casual relationships. What do you like best about casual sex? What do you like least?

I'd love to hear any advice, suggestions, anecdotes, or cautionary tales you may have. Thank you!

(If you want to get specific with your advice and suggestions, I am a straight woman, in my late twenties, and I truly enjoy sex. I am willing to go to great and creative lengths to make sex as great as it can be for both me and my partner.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

How can you have a real, actual friendship with your fuckbuddy without it leading to emotional confusion?

In my experience, you can't - even when both partners agree to keep it casual and emotionally uninvolved. I've yet to find a fuckbuddy that didn't have an agenda, or that didn't develop one as time went on.

'Course, YMMV - I can only speak from what I know. Maybe you'll have a different, more enlightened experience with fucking that buddy of yours. Just be careful is all I'm saying.
posted by ruddhist at 4:38 AM on October 17, 2005

Yeah, uhm... What turns people on is extremely idiosyncratic and varies from person to person. You're not going to get better "sexay tips" from an internet messageboard than you would from an issue of "Cosmo".

Just so you can calibrate, I'll tell you that some of the most horrible sex tips in the world come from issues of "Cosmo".

Also... fighting feelings of attachment and trying to keep necessary scope in romantic relationships has always been a huge challenge. For everyone. Througout human history. No one is going to have an answer for that, either.

You're in your late 20s?
posted by cadastral at 5:04 AM on October 17, 2005

Set rules, and set rules now. Be adults as much as possible

If either of your 'get attached', and that often happens, agree to be 'over.' Don't permit the idea that you might become something other than fuckbuddies. Right away, right away you must get it on the table that there is no attachments.

Make sure you agree that it's okay for the other person to see other people. Discuss now about whether or not it's okay for that to be soley causual people or only serious people. Personally, I like to keep it fairly monogomous: Once one of you decides to sleep with someone else, fuckbuddy status is over. Think about it - can you handle him leaving you to wine and dine her.. Also, there is a bit of duplicity here (He's fucking you but also seeing her...you're the 'other' woman.)

Don't spend the night "over" in bed. That's reserved for serious parnters. No gifts, no cute phone calls, no emails/texting. Don't do anything that'd differentiate you from other 'buddies' besides the occasional bedgames. In fact, realistically, don't even bother breaking bread together - you're not dating him, you're just fucking him.

Once, perhaps twice a week is enough.

You're going to hear over and over and over in this thread about protection...condoms + pill please.

What I liked best...I didn't have to date/wine/dine her. We knew from the moment that we agreed to get together that'd be "ever wanted to try this???", without any reprocussions. It was entirely about our own pleasure over our partners (but that was still very important).


Now onto the fun:
Be as dirty as possible. Rent videos and renact them. See what fetishes tickle your fancy and explore them. See how many, how hard, how fast each of you can orgasm. The beauty of this status/relationships (while it lasts) is that you can be decadent and more important a way for you to explore your own sexual needs/desires without the baggage of a relationship
posted by filmgeek at 5:17 AM on October 17, 2005 [1 favorite]

Fuckbudddies are possible. It isn't easy, but it's possible, and can lead to beautiful friendships as well as damn good sex.

If two people are fuckbuddies, you both have to have a very specific mentality. You both have to be deeply, deeply uninterested in a serious relationship. You have to be able to do things together that don't involve sex. You need to be buddies first. You both need to like sex a lot.

Write up a contract. I'm serious about that. Make your expectations clear, and every once in a while make sure you know what's going on. Include things like "I intend to sleep with other people," or "If you even think about stalking me you are gone, bitch." Keep in touch with your own feelings, via a journal or time alone. If you begin to feel romantic, do not ignore it. That way leads to madness, angst, and jealousy. Madness, angst, and jealousy are exactly the things you are trying to avoid here. Talk about your feelings only if you develop romantic feelings.

Sleep with other people (and use a condom for god's sake). Talk with your fuckbuddy about the other people you're sleeping with. This will probably lead to better sex between the two of you and will also help you remember to keep that emotional distance. If you don't sleep with other people, at least pursue other people. Talk about the people you're interested in, or people you've been interested in. This is one of the best ways to keep things friendly between the two of you.

If you're into that kind of thing, fuckbuddies are great for threesomes. That also will create a distance as well as a friendly intimacy between the two of you. If threesomes don't really sound good to you, gossip about how incredibly hot someone you two find attractive is. If you're both straight as can be, disregard this entire paragraph.

Speaking of, now is a great chance to try out that thing you always thought your boyfriend would think was weird. If you find that tying someone to the bed just doesn't work for one of you, you can laugh hysterically about it for the rest of the night. Mock each other when the sex goes wrong, but do it nicely.

A relationship of some sort will inevitably develop between the two of you. At times it will be romantic. People will mistake you for a couple. Set them right. You don't have to say, "Oh, no, that's not my boyfriend, but he does fuck me from time to time!" Say "we're friends" or "we're not really dating." Do not let other people treat you like a couple. Otherwise one or both of you will gradually begin to believe it. Do not under any circumstances meet the family.

Keep more intense feelings out of the bedroom. Have sex for the sake of having good sex and enjoying each other's company. Do not have comfort sex, make-up sex, etc.

It's okay to keep a toothbrush at each other's house. But don't keep pictures or keepsakes of each other. Try not to make overly romantic gestures. It's okay to maybe call someone up once during your lunch break and say, "Hey, remember those panties you thought you lost? I just found them in the backseat of my car." Do not call to say "I miss you."

Spend time apart. Remember why you don't want to date him. Make sure he agrees with you on all of these points.

There are exceptions to all of these suggestions. But remember: keep distance. Keep it fun. Keep as few emotional ties between the two of you as possible.

I've been able to be friendly with most of my fuckbuddies, though it's gone sour a few times. I've gotten bored of some and a little attached to others. The current friend I'm sleeping with is absolutely fantastic. Our friendship definitely got complicated when we fled hurricane Katrina together, but we've become very close friends that sleep together and we both see other people. It helps that we're both bisexual and have both recently left long-term, seriously bizarre relationships. Also, it's extremely helpful that we're both a little on the adventurous side (see also: we're sluts).

Most importantly, enjoy it! Have a fantastic time! Congratulations on opening this door.
posted by honeydew at 5:25 AM on October 17, 2005

The previous comments have some solid advice. Personally, I wouldn't deliberately go looking for sex with other people and then expect to continue the sexy fun with my original fuckbuddy. If you get lucky with someone else, fine; but in my opinion you should both be honest with each other, and reveal all. Then it's time for open and frank discussion. It would be a good idea to pre-empt this and make sure that you both understand this may happen.

So, as others have said, get everything out in the open right now. I've never considered a contract, but I don't live in a hugely litigious society. You may! For me it's always been a question of hours of chatting over drinks and food. The way that two people usually communicate best :-)

As an extension of that, I'd also prefer to have some form of social interaction with my buddy. I've had favourable results with the standard restaurant/good meal/a few drinks formula. You meet up, get merry, get cosy, then jump into bed. Admittedly on one occasion we did "break up" after we realised that the emotional content was confusing the relationship.

To that end, I'd have a frank discussion about that now. You may want to explain that you won't consider "dating" the guy, and explain your reasons. Be prepared for him to do the same. If things get heavy, you may have to go back over this ground so you or he understand why things have to be a certain way. Just be honest with yourself and with him.

As for the sex: Have a blast! Talk about your fantasies; try everything you want to; do whatever he wants (as long as you don't object to it); try everything twice to make sure you get the hang of it; and.... well... just have fun, you crazy kids. The great thing about open relationships I've had in the past has been the communication. That's the key - surprisingly, more so than the sex.

As for sexy specifics.... I'm not sure I'd care to reveal any here ;-) Anyway, everyone's different. Try a little bondage or other BDSM activities; get some porn and re-enact it; get some of those dice with kinky forfeits on them; be his sex-slave for a day, then swap around; wear blindfolds (one or both of you); video yourselves together or separately (i.e. make films for each other); take photos (digital or polaroid of course).... okay, time for me to calm down :-)

Hey, maybe start a blog.

One final word: Get STI tests now, after 3 months (HIV antibodies aren't present in large enough numbers until 3 months after infection), and when you break up. Ask what you're being tested for; you'd be surprised what they miss out.
posted by ajp at 6:33 AM on October 17, 2005

The one sex-suggestion I haven't seen yet: role playing. I think the nature of a fuckbuddy relationship sort of frees you up to be anyone/anything you want. That's the best thing I ever got out of any of my fuckbuddy-type relationships, the freedom to really play at sex and not worry what he'd think of me (because i guess i really didn't care).
posted by jodic at 7:04 AM on October 17, 2005

For me, rule number one has always been to acknowledge - and even insist when necessary - that my place in the hierarchy was not at the top of the pyramid. In other words, my partner's school/work/boyfriend/husband/children/etc. always came first. I recently lost out on a play date because the woman in question had to go to her daughter's school play. I not only didn't object but made absolutely sure that my friend understood that. Since this is already an established deal for us, no real discussion was necessary. But there's a quick acknowledgement - like maybe a couple sentences in an email: "That's okay. School plays are important. I wouldn't want you to miss it." And then that's it. On to the next thing.

I've lost out to family gatherings, kids, vacations, husbands, boyfriends and even other play partners. If this sort of thing made me jealous, I'd have to make some serious changes in my social life.
posted by Clay201 at 7:08 AM on October 17, 2005

Don't sleep with other people. Once one of you becomes involved, the game's over. Otherwise the whole thing will just end in tears.

Don't keep stuff at each other's house. Ever. Not even little stuff. Any sort of permanence is too much.

You can't be 'friends' with your fuckbuddy. You can't see her everyday, you can't talk to her on the phone every night, you can't do date-like things with her. To do otherwise wouldn't just be tacky, it'd be unfair to her. Again, this isn't a relationship. Understand that both of you are, ultimately, providing a service for the other until you can find a serious relationship.

Try not to let her spend the night. It's not the end of the world if she does, but this can be the first step down a bad path. Meet her after work, have drinks, go home, more drinks, screw, and have her home before midnight, if possible.

Also understand that you shouldn't meet up with her more than once or twice a week, at most. It's ok if some weeks go by with no contact at all. This is a casual thing, remember. People who are having sex more than twice a week are in a relationship.

As for sex tips, talk it over with your fuckbuddy. Once it's clear that you are open and eager to explore, there's no shortage of stuff out there to try. Just keep the door open and good things will come your way.
posted by nixerman at 8:43 AM on October 17, 2005

As the responses so far show, different people are going to want different things from their play partners. All of the casual sex relationships I've had have been different in their own ways, but there have been a few general guidelines that have worked well. People have already covered them - no sleeping over, no "dates", just wine and sex every week or so at most.

For me, I'm able to be friends with a couple of them. One partner and I have been having sex for 12 years now, whenever neither of us is in a committed relationship and we get the urge. She's become a good friend of mine too, but we're able to separate that from the sex. Not everyone can do that with every partner. (And even though we're friends, the no-sleeping-over rule usually still applies.)

At the other end of the scale, I was having sex with someone a few years back that I wasn't interested in being friends with. I didn't really like the person, to tell the truth. But the sex was fantastic. And I think the reason the sex was so good was because of the lack of any emotional attachment - we were using each other for compatible body parts and that was it.

In terms of sex things to try out: seriously, the sky's the limit. If you want, think of it as training for your next relationship, when you want to impress the hell out of your boyfriend. It's as good a time as any to explore, and people have already hit the high points - role playing, bondage, threesomes, dirty talk, whatever. And yeah, what everyone else said, play safe.

I second the idea of blogging it. There are lots of sex blogs on the net, but not that many good ones.
posted by flipper at 9:17 AM on October 17, 2005

You've got some good suggestions above. I would just add something that seems obvious: try EVERYTHING. You never know what might really turn you or your partner on. Golden showers, fetishes, S&M, toys, clothes, all that stuff - don't knock it till you've tried it. Push your boundaries, but make sure you always feel safe or can stop if you really want to.

Have fun!!
posted by widdershins at 9:37 AM on October 17, 2005

KY rocks, and not just for kinky sex, but also for plain old vanilla sex.
posted by furtive at 9:38 AM on October 17, 2005

One side note (reading some of the responses.) it's a woman not a man asking
posted by filmgeek at 12:00 PM on October 17, 2005

What's with the "piratetreasure" tag? Is this what all the cool kids are saying to superscede "boo-tay"?
posted by naxosaxur at 1:12 PM on October 17, 2005

I usually call it "honey pot"
posted by matteo at 2:30 PM on October 17, 2005

I just want to 2nd the ixnay on cutesy text messages.. uh.. and baking cookies together. That's a no-no.
posted by Jack Karaoke at 2:41 PM on October 17, 2005

I never add those types to my instant messenger lists. That results in drawn out conversations about things that should be reserved to boyfriends and girlfriends.
posted by sian at 2:57 PM on October 17, 2005

Dear Anonymous

Love comes with a knife, it is said, but it is easier perhaps if you do not have to deal with love and attachment. Lucky you. Or unlucky you.
posted by madstop1 at 6:54 PM on October 17, 2005

KY rocks, and not just for kinky sex, but also for plain old vanilla sex

Not to mention Churchill Downs and the derby.
posted by mecran01 at 6:45 PM on October 18, 2005