How to respond to negative self comments about weight?
December 10, 2005 5:50 PM Subscribe
How do you respond when you're with people and they complain about their weight?
For example, today I was at my church rummage sale, buying lots of the secondhand clothes. I was standing around with two older ladies, who were saying, "Oh, you can buy all these clothes, you are so thin, we're not as thin as you, boo-hoo" And I responded, "You two are beautiful!" (which I meant), to which one of them responded, "Notice how she worded that!" (as in, I didn't say, "You two are so thin") and they both cracked up.
What does one generally say when someone says something self-depreciating? I particularly ask about weight because it's such a touchy subject. Everyone generally knows if they are "fat" or not, but I don't want to encourage the cultural myth that "thin = good".
For example, today I was at my church rummage sale, buying lots of the secondhand clothes. I was standing around with two older ladies, who were saying, "Oh, you can buy all these clothes, you are so thin, we're not as thin as you, boo-hoo" And I responded, "You two are beautiful!" (which I meant), to which one of them responded, "Notice how she worded that!" (as in, I didn't say, "You two are so thin") and they both cracked up.
What does one generally say when someone says something self-depreciating? I particularly ask about weight because it's such a touchy subject. Everyone generally knows if they are "fat" or not, but I don't want to encourage the cultural myth that "thin = good".
I'm pretty sure there isn't a good response to this type of comment...people are bound to interpret whatever you say as negative, regardless of how you spin it.
Eg. "I'm fat..."
Response 1: "Yes you are" = extreme anger
Response 2: "No you aren't" = "LIAR!"
Response 3: Blank stare/ignore = "He/she just doesn't want to say I'm fat out loud, but they're thinking it"
It's really just a rhetorical question...whoever's asking has already determined what they want to hear.
posted by johnsmith415 at 6:06 PM on December 10, 2005
Eg. "I'm fat..."
Response 1: "Yes you are" = extreme anger
Response 2: "No you aren't" = "LIAR!"
Response 3: Blank stare/ignore = "He/she just doesn't want to say I'm fat out loud, but they're thinking it"
It's really just a rhetorical question...whoever's asking has already determined what they want to hear.
posted by johnsmith415 at 6:06 PM on December 10, 2005
Sounds like someone was fishing for compliments. I usually respond in one of two ways: either dismiss it with a laugh, a smile and an "Oh, come on," or reverse the situation by saying, "Yeah, but you are so much taller than me," or whatever applies.
Nonetheless, I find it's best not to feed into their need for a compliment, because most people who have to encourage such comments won't be happy with what you end up saying anyway.
posted by Brittanie at 6:06 PM on December 10, 2005
Nonetheless, I find it's best not to feed into their need for a compliment, because most people who have to encourage such comments won't be happy with what you end up saying anyway.
posted by Brittanie at 6:06 PM on December 10, 2005
"I'm sure there are some beautiful|elegant|stylish clothes around here to fit you too..."
"Thin isn't everything - some of these clothes don't look right without womanly curves..."
etc...
posted by benzo8 at 6:07 PM on December 10, 2005
"Thin isn't everything - some of these clothes don't look right without womanly curves..."
etc...
posted by benzo8 at 6:07 PM on December 10, 2005
If I don't really have anything meaningful to contribute on the subject of the speaker's appearance/weight (which tends to be the case), I nod and smile politely and don't say anything except for maybe "Yeah," or "Hm," as appropriate. Hopefully then they drop it. If it's a close friend, then perhaps I'll say "Hurf durf butter-eater."
posted by ludwig_van at 6:08 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by ludwig_van at 6:08 PM on December 10, 2005
You just can't win in a conversation like that, so avoid those at all costs. When they say: "you're thin," say "thanks," and change the subject.
When someone says something like "I'm so fat" when talking to me, I'll either pause for a second and change the subject, or say something like "well, being skinny isn't everything." (Caveat: none of this applies to the situation when you hear that from an anorexic. In that case, I can't help you.)
posted by epimorph at 6:09 PM on December 10, 2005
When someone says something like "I'm so fat" when talking to me, I'll either pause for a second and change the subject, or say something like "well, being skinny isn't everything." (Caveat: none of this applies to the situation when you hear that from an anorexic. In that case, I can't help you.)
posted by epimorph at 6:09 PM on December 10, 2005
How do I respond? By gingerly refusing to be baited, the same way I generally try to respond to people fishing for compliments. I add some self-deprecation of my own, then try to continue talking about something else.
How should I respond? Cop out answer: it depends on who I'm talking to. Gun-to-my-head answer: note that looks don't last forever, and that eating disorders have become depressingly common among young females (I believe a psych prof once said that 1 in 7 college females have one at some point).
posted by gsteff at 6:11 PM on December 10, 2005
How should I respond? Cop out answer: it depends on who I'm talking to. Gun-to-my-head answer: note that looks don't last forever, and that eating disorders have become depressingly common among young females (I believe a psych prof once said that 1 in 7 college females have one at some point).
posted by gsteff at 6:11 PM on December 10, 2005
Don't bother: any response at all launches you into can't-win-land. If you feel you must say something, deflect it onto yourself ("Thanks, I'll loan you my tapeworm").
posted by rob511 at 6:13 PM on December 10, 2005 [2 favorites]
posted by rob511 at 6:13 PM on December 10, 2005 [2 favorites]
Laugh, smile and move on.
Seriously, if someone doesn't respond positively to your obvious attempts to humour their self loathing then laugh along with whatever they come up with next and then swiftly walk away. Sticking around as they dictate to you their foibles usually results in you all breakdancing your way into a giant hole, with you the one eventually being blamed, cast out and scorned.
posted by fire&wings at 6:15 PM on December 10, 2005
Seriously, if someone doesn't respond positively to your obvious attempts to humour their self loathing then laugh along with whatever they come up with next and then swiftly walk away. Sticking around as they dictate to you their foibles usually results in you all breakdancing your way into a giant hole, with you the one eventually being blamed, cast out and scorned.
posted by fire&wings at 6:15 PM on December 10, 2005
If it's someone I know pretty well I usually go for comical hyperbolic agreement:
"I'm so fat!"
"I know, christ, you're like a gelatinous barn!"
Hopefully it portrays that I don't care too much about their girth but don't care to prop them up about it either.
If it's someone I don't know well I'll generally just bite and give them a generic compliment re: whatever their issue is, ideally followed quickly by the suggestion of another topic or some kind of misdirection ploy: "You know who's *really* skinny? Kallinda Blackhart... No, what is it? Katrina Blockherd? Calista Brockhart? Uhm... Oh yeah, Ethiopeans. They need a sandwich!"
*the Calista Flockhart thing is untested and "gelatinous barn" is ©
posted by moift at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2005 [2 favorites]
"I'm so fat!"
"I know, christ, you're like a gelatinous barn!"
Hopefully it portrays that I don't care too much about their girth but don't care to prop them up about it either.
If it's someone I don't know well I'll generally just bite and give them a generic compliment re: whatever their issue is, ideally followed quickly by the suggestion of another topic or some kind of misdirection ploy: "You know who's *really* skinny? Kallinda Blackhart... No, what is it? Katrina Blockherd? Calista Brockhart? Uhm... Oh yeah, Ethiopeans. They need a sandwich!"
*the Calista Flockhart thing is untested and "gelatinous barn" is ©
posted by moift at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2005 [2 favorites]
Give a bit of an "aw, pshaw" and move on...they're not probably fishing for "no you're NOT!" but they probably don't want to hear "yeah, true" either. The "pshaw" is, in the case of someone who actually IS fat, a little white lie that smoothes these interactions.
posted by tristeza at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by tristeza at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2005
Well, when I used to say it I felt like I was simply stating a fact. I was fat, I knew it, and I simply accepted it as the fact it was.
People aren't always fishing for complements. Sometimes they are simply stating the obvious.
(now that I have lost weight, I am frankly a wee bit annoyed at all the people who say "Hi, skinny" as I am certainly not skinny yet. But, whatever.)
posted by konolia at 6:19 PM on December 10, 2005
People aren't always fishing for complements. Sometimes they are simply stating the obvious.
(now that I have lost weight, I am frankly a wee bit annoyed at all the people who say "Hi, skinny" as I am certainly not skinny yet. But, whatever.)
posted by konolia at 6:19 PM on December 10, 2005
It truly is a can't win situation; pretending you didn't hear it the best policy.
I've responded to "Oh, I'm so fat!" with "Oh, I think it'll still be a few years before they have to knock down a wall to get you out of the house."
Pigpen, will you be my friend?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:20 PM on December 10, 2005
I've responded to "Oh, I'm so fat!" with "Oh, I think it'll still be a few years before they have to knock down a wall to get you out of the house."
Pigpen, will you be my friend?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:20 PM on December 10, 2005
I follow this system:
Step 1: Change the topic, be quiet while others talk or just ignore the topic altogether. If nessecary, I move to Step 2: Tell the person they look fine/good/great despite their weight/hair loss/hair growth/scars/etc because of their great eyes/great smile/hot ass/millions of dollars/distinguished air/etc. I always follow Step 2 despite the truth of the situation. If Step 2 seems to have bothered or offended anyone, I repeat Step 1.
People's self-image is not going to be defined or re-defined by what one guy says to them, so my system is designed to simply keep me out of it while trying not to do any damage.
posted by chudmonkey at 6:24 PM on December 10, 2005
Step 1: Change the topic, be quiet while others talk or just ignore the topic altogether. If nessecary, I move to Step 2: Tell the person they look fine/good/great despite their weight/hair loss/hair growth/scars/etc because of their great eyes/great smile/hot ass/millions of dollars/distinguished air/etc. I always follow Step 2 despite the truth of the situation. If Step 2 seems to have bothered or offended anyone, I repeat Step 1.
People's self-image is not going to be defined or re-defined by what one guy says to them, so my system is designed to simply keep me out of it while trying not to do any damage.
posted by chudmonkey at 6:24 PM on December 10, 2005
I get this too -- I'm tall and thin (in part due to a connective tissue disease, in part due to a high dose of thyroid hormone meant to keep my cancer in remission, and in part through sheer randomness), and I get such comments quite frequently. I've developed a general pattern: when they come from people who I think really don't mean me ill -- that is, they think really are delivering a compliment, but their own self-deprecation is just somehow reflexively folded into that -- I will simply say thanks.
When I think people are actually being hostile, however, I'll respond in kind. For example, there was a time the woman on a crowded elevator grabbed my upper arm (while I was going through radiation, and was simultaneously battling a lot of joint pain due to my connective tissue disease) and demanded loudly, "how the hell did you get so goddamn skinny?" My response was "Cancer. How the hell did you get so goddamn rude?"
posted by scody at 6:25 PM on December 10, 2005 [4 favorites]
When I think people are actually being hostile, however, I'll respond in kind. For example, there was a time the woman on a crowded elevator grabbed my upper arm (while I was going through radiation, and was simultaneously battling a lot of joint pain due to my connective tissue disease) and demanded loudly, "how the hell did you get so goddamn skinny?" My response was "Cancer. How the hell did you get so goddamn rude?"
posted by scody at 6:25 PM on December 10, 2005 [4 favorites]
Nobody who announces they are fat in public is simply stating the obvious - which is why the fallout of such a comment needs thinking about.
posted by fire&wings at 6:26 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by fire&wings at 6:26 PM on December 10, 2005
I don't know of a good response, unless you could say "I've seen some things that would be perfect for you (at some location)."
posted by I Love Tacos at 6:26 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by I Love Tacos at 6:26 PM on December 10, 2005
Not an answer: On reading the example, I thought the joke ("notice how she worded that") was about they were both carrying around an additional person, (aka the spare tire) - the inner thin person in you is beautiful, and so is that other inner thin person you're carrying around in there. (Which is a joke I would give a chuckle to. I Just thought I'd mention it in case it's a plausible alternative).
As to your question, I don't know, but I was most annoyed with myself to once catch myself actually making this sort of complaint (though not about weight) to others, and have sworn "never again!".
Whether it's weight, athleticism, hair (or lack of hair), grace, medical problems, whatever, inform when it's relevant or appropriate, but never do the "You're so lucky compared to me, boo-hoo" thing, thus save everyone else from being in one of these no-win situations.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:27 PM on December 10, 2005
As to your question, I don't know, but I was most annoyed with myself to once catch myself actually making this sort of complaint (though not about weight) to others, and have sworn "never again!".
Whether it's weight, athleticism, hair (or lack of hair), grace, medical problems, whatever, inform when it's relevant or appropriate, but never do the "You're so lucky compared to me, boo-hoo" thing, thus save everyone else from being in one of these no-win situations.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:27 PM on December 10, 2005
Scody: Right on! :)
posted by -harlequin- at 6:28 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by -harlequin- at 6:28 PM on December 10, 2005
Alvy Ampersand writes "Pigpen, will you be my friend?"
Yes! Yes, Alvy, I will be your friend! Caveat: My head is a burlap bag stuffed with leaves. But I promise not to passively aggressively make you feel bad because your head is more culturally desirable.
posted by Pigpen at 6:53 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
Yes! Yes, Alvy, I will be your friend! Caveat: My head is a burlap bag stuffed with leaves. But I promise not to passively aggressively make you feel bad because your head is more culturally desirable.
posted by Pigpen at 6:53 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
How about:
"I'm so fat."
"HOW FAT ARE Y... Oh, no - you do that for a knock-knock joke, right? I got confused. What's my line again?"
My wife (The tactful one) says , for the above - "Who says you have to be thin to be beautiful?"
posted by Orb2069 at 6:55 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
"I'm so fat."
"HOW FAT ARE Y... Oh, no - you do that for a knock-knock joke, right? I got confused. What's my line again?"
My wife (The tactful one) says , for the above - "Who says you have to be thin to be beautiful?"
posted by Orb2069 at 6:55 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
This is a great question. I used to have a coworker who said similar comments often, sometimes quite inappropriately. At first I was quite perplexed by it, but I finally standardized by reactions to the following:
Whenever it was something like, "I wish I had your figure," I'd say thanks or smile and change the subject. If she said something more along the lines of "Gosh, I'm gaining so much weight," I'd either be silent or say something like, "Well, it's great you're working out." Like most here, I refused to say something like, "Oh, no, you fat? Never." Because it would have been a lie and also because I did feel she was fishing for compliments, whether she was or not. Noncommital grunts seemed to work too, somehow.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 6:56 PM on December 10, 2005
Whenever it was something like, "I wish I had your figure," I'd say thanks or smile and change the subject. If she said something more along the lines of "Gosh, I'm gaining so much weight," I'd either be silent or say something like, "Well, it's great you're working out." Like most here, I refused to say something like, "Oh, no, you fat? Never." Because it would have been a lie and also because I did feel she was fishing for compliments, whether she was or not. Noncommital grunts seemed to work too, somehow.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 6:56 PM on December 10, 2005
If you're thin and someone says that there is no "right answer". I just say thanks, or sort of ignore it. OTOH my older female relatives frequently say stuff like that to me and I usually say "Good genes" or something nice back- in that case I know they're not being catty.
I've had overweight people say some breathtakingly rude and hostile things to me because I'm thinner (I'm not skinny by any stretch, just tall and with a smaller build). I've decided it's not my problem and not my responsibility to try and smooth it over.
posted by fshgrl at 6:57 PM on December 10, 2005
I've had overweight people say some breathtakingly rude and hostile things to me because I'm thinner (I'm not skinny by any stretch, just tall and with a smaller build). I've decided it's not my problem and not my responsibility to try and smooth it over.
posted by fshgrl at 6:57 PM on December 10, 2005
Maybe they actually are frustrated that they can't find anything that fits them. It's a lot harder to shop when you're overweight. It's possible they couldn't find anything nice at the rummage sale or even at the mall. Instead, you could say, "You know, you look great in . I think I saw one of those over here...." Or you could say, " has a sale on this weekend. Want to go find a new piece for your wardrobe?" Overweight people often have to shop in certain areas of department stores or at plus-size stores. It makes it hard to go shopping with thin friends. Maybe they'd just like, for once in their lives, to be able to go shopping with friends and have some size-appropriate items from which to choose. Also, plus-sized items tend to be higher priced, so overweight people aren't likely to be swamped with deals at every store in the mall (or every bin at the rummage sale).
I'm not trying to make excuses for overweight people. I imagine some people do have self-esteem issues. But it's possible that they are not so much looking for compliments as they are feeling the sting of not being able to find clothes that fit their bodies, let alone their wallets. And that can feed into the self-esteem issues in the first place.
posted by acoutu at 6:59 PM on December 10, 2005
I'm not trying to make excuses for overweight people. I imagine some people do have self-esteem issues. But it's possible that they are not so much looking for compliments as they are feeling the sting of not being able to find clothes that fit their bodies, let alone their wallets. And that can feed into the self-esteem issues in the first place.
posted by acoutu at 6:59 PM on December 10, 2005
it's possible that they are not so much looking for compliments as they are feeling the sting of not being able to find clothes that fit their bodies
Speaking as a big and tall guy, this is extremely true. My clothing selection was way, way better when I was closer to average.
posted by I Love Tacos at 7:05 PM on December 10, 2005
Speaking as a big and tall guy, this is extremely true. My clothing selection was way, way better when I was closer to average.
posted by I Love Tacos at 7:05 PM on December 10, 2005
I am overweight, and find that I make a lot of self-deprecating comments when I'm in groups or in other uncomfortable situations. It's not conscious, I do it because it's an easy way to get a few laughs — which, in turn, is an easy way to put myself at ease.
My suggestion to you would be to simply say "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself", and leave it at that.
posted by silusGROK at 7:21 PM on December 10, 2005
My suggestion to you would be to simply say "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself", and leave it at that.
posted by silusGROK at 7:21 PM on December 10, 2005
perhaps you should make a remark about the weather ... like how cold the winter's been ... if you're lucky, one of them will start telling you all about how cold it was way back when she was a child and you'll have ducked out of it
posted by pyramid termite at 7:24 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 7:24 PM on December 10, 2005
I roll my eyes as if they're being funnier than they are and dismiss it with a pff, all of us have something we don't like the size of. Then make small talk and find something we can all roll our eyes over. (And then remind myself for the umpteenth time not to myself instigate this passive-aggresive grown-up playground-behavior shit to amuse my friends while shopping.)
acoutu, I could substitute "when you're thin/small-boned" and your entire post would be absolutely true in my experience. Clothes don't fit right, except at boutiquey places way out of my price range. Sales staff simperingly suggest the juniors department when I'm looking for business clothes.
posted by desuetude at 7:43 PM on December 10, 2005
acoutu, I could substitute "when you're thin/small-boned" and your entire post would be absolutely true in my experience. Clothes don't fit right, except at boutiquey places way out of my price range. Sales staff simperingly suggest the juniors department when I'm looking for business clothes.
posted by desuetude at 7:43 PM on December 10, 2005
"How to respond to negative self comments about weight?" is an important conversation that I'm glad we're having...but I really think that the example at the church rummage sale was more about a couple of older women being personable and "kooky" more than anything else. Not everyone is as sensitive as us Metafilterians...
posted by Ian A.T. at 7:58 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by Ian A.T. at 7:58 PM on December 10, 2005
A simple I don't care / nobody cares would probably work, but if it were up to me, I would tell them to go do something about it and quit complaining.
posted by Anamith at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by Anamith at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2005
Maybe they actually are frustrated that they can't find anything that fits them. It's a lot harder to shop when you're overweight.
Try being 6' and a size 8 with a 35" inseam, size 10.5 feet and monkey arms. I gots no sympathy at all.
posted by fshgrl at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2005
Try being 6' and a size 8 with a 35" inseam, size 10.5 feet and monkey arms. I gots no sympathy at all.
posted by fshgrl at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2005
Say "I wish you wouldn't run yourself down like that" -- puts the burden on them to stop with the passive aggression, without making you tell white lies...
posted by mdiskin at 8:07 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by mdiskin at 8:07 PM on December 10, 2005
monkey arms
Hee! My mom calls me this, actually. (She means it lovingly... at least I like to think she does!)
posted by scody at 8:07 PM on December 10, 2005
Hee! My mom calls me this, actually. (She means it lovingly... at least I like to think she does!)
posted by scody at 8:07 PM on December 10, 2005
If my attempt at a change of subject or a brush off fails, then I will casually launch into the misery that was high school. Can you imagine being 5'6" and weighing 85 pounds? That was me, I tell people, (and it's true and it's disgusting) and I battled for years to put weight on, protein shakes, exercises, extra meals, entire bags of calorie loaded crap, inactivity, you name it, i tried it. This generally causes a lot of discomfort, but I keep going, just to drive it home, "It's so nice to be able to shop and find pants that fit any part of me, I don't mind so much that they end up a little short as I gain weight around the middle, I'm finally starting to like my body."
Also, if normal weight/overweight people could lay off on the "are you gonna throw that up?" conversation openers, that would be worth millions of dollars. And sales people sending me to the junior department sends me over the moon! I'd like to be a bit bigger, but sometimes I'd like even more to be invisible.
Whew, that was kind of a relief.
posted by bilabial at 8:22 PM on December 10, 2005
Also, if normal weight/overweight people could lay off on the "are you gonna throw that up?" conversation openers, that would be worth millions of dollars. And sales people sending me to the junior department sends me over the moon! I'd like to be a bit bigger, but sometimes I'd like even more to be invisible.
Whew, that was kind of a relief.
posted by bilabial at 8:22 PM on December 10, 2005
I place my hands on my gut and move it up and down a bit while wearing a significant look to indicate that I am in the same club. Then I try to change the subject.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:29 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:29 PM on December 10, 2005
And I responded, "You two are beautiful!" (which I meant)
It looks like you don't need advice; you're navigating the social landscape just fine.
They were being jokey and banal, and being civilized is just being able to be as banal and nonthreatening back at them as possible.
e.g.:
"Oh, you can buy all these clothes, you are so thin, we're not as thin as you, boo-hoo"
"Hey, I keep hittin' the Oreos like i do now, it won't last much longer!"
"Ha. Ha. Ha."
Then to wash off all this social dirtiness and restore balance, you go home later and go to Rotten.com and look at pictures of torn-apart carcasses from Latin-America.
. . . or maybe that's just me. Good luck!
PS - never ever make comments like that in real life. Or on the Internet.
posted by dgaicun at 8:29 PM on December 10, 2005
It looks like you don't need advice; you're navigating the social landscape just fine.
They were being jokey and banal, and being civilized is just being able to be as banal and nonthreatening back at them as possible.
e.g.:
"Oh, you can buy all these clothes, you are so thin, we're not as thin as you, boo-hoo"
"Hey, I keep hittin' the Oreos like i do now, it won't last much longer!"
"Ha. Ha. Ha."
Then to wash off all this social dirtiness and restore balance, you go home later and go to Rotten.com and look at pictures of torn-apart carcasses from Latin-America.
. . . or maybe that's just me. Good luck!
PS - never ever make comments like that in real life. Or on the Internet.
posted by dgaicun at 8:29 PM on December 10, 2005
I generally only make comments like that (a) around people I know well who know that I am sensitive about being a freaking giant compared to pretty much everyone else, (b) when being sensitive about that is directly related to a conversation, or (c) when pictures of me show up for people who don't know me, because I swear I am not a fat or disturbing looking as photos suggest.
In case (a), I am just bitching; I don't expect you to say anything. In (b), it is relevant to something, so I just want you to continue the conversation. For (c), I don't expect you to say anything, it's just trying to "correct the record."
Anyway it isn't fishing for compliments for a lot of people. It's too bad that's what others think. And yeah, I mostly answered this because you and I had a case (c)–related run-in and now I'm self conscious.
Also, for those who complain about being thin, though it may be frustrating it's really not the same. Because it works for you in at least one way, which is more than a lot of fat people can say. But I can imagine it sucks to have the giantesses taking out their frustrations on you.
posted by dame at 9:01 PM on December 10, 2005
In case (a), I am just bitching; I don't expect you to say anything. In (b), it is relevant to something, so I just want you to continue the conversation. For (c), I don't expect you to say anything, it's just trying to "correct the record."
Anyway it isn't fishing for compliments for a lot of people. It's too bad that's what others think. And yeah, I mostly answered this because you and I had a case (c)–related run-in and now I'm self conscious.
Also, for those who complain about being thin, though it may be frustrating it's really not the same. Because it works for you in at least one way, which is more than a lot of fat people can say. But I can imagine it sucks to have the giantesses taking out their frustrations on you.
posted by dame at 9:01 PM on December 10, 2005
ThePinkSuperhero, I adore you (for your response to them and also for your closing remark)!
I try hard not to say things like "I'm so fat" or "well you can _____, you're thin!" because it's not fair to make someone feel guilty/bad because they're thin, and it really does sound like I'm fishing for an objection even though I'm not (though I might be fishing for a "you won't always be fat, fat girl! There is hope for you!"). But should I slip and let an occasional bout of self loathing speak for me, responses like Alvy Ampersand and Orb2069's would be excellent to hear.
posted by mewithoutyou at 9:03 PM on December 10, 2005
I try hard not to say things like "I'm so fat" or "well you can _____, you're thin!" because it's not fair to make someone feel guilty/bad because they're thin, and it really does sound like I'm fishing for an objection even though I'm not (though I might be fishing for a "you won't always be fat, fat girl! There is hope for you!"). But should I slip and let an occasional bout of self loathing speak for me, responses like Alvy Ampersand and Orb2069's would be excellent to hear.
posted by mewithoutyou at 9:03 PM on December 10, 2005
A shy smile, a blush if you can pull it off, and "Oh, you're such a flatterer!"
That's how I deal with being carded well into my 30s, anyway.
posted by ilsa at 9:25 PM on December 10, 2005
That's how I deal with being carded well into my 30s, anyway.
posted by ilsa at 9:25 PM on December 10, 2005
Response by poster: "How to respond to negative self comments about weight?" is an important conversation that I'm glad we're having...but I really think that the example at the church rummage sale was more about a couple of older women being personable and "kooky" more than anything else.
Ian A.T., you are absolutely correct (they are kooky! and I love them!)- it was not the best example to illustrate the issue I am looking for advice on. A better example is a friend who looks at pictures of herself and says, "Ugh, look at me, I look so fat!"
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:38 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
Ian A.T., you are absolutely correct (they are kooky! and I love them!)- it was not the best example to illustrate the issue I am looking for advice on. A better example is a friend who looks at pictures of herself and says, "Ugh, look at me, I look so fat!"
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:38 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hey, and dame, I just realized the last example made it seem like I'm talking about you- I'm not. It's a general question I've had in my mind for months, years even.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:46 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:46 PM on December 10, 2005 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If it's a stranger tell them that you're just thin because you have AIDS. These people are saying things that would make most people at lest a little uncomfortable, making them uncomfortable is only fair.
posted by I Foody at 9:53 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by I Foody at 9:53 PM on December 10, 2005
I don't know if making them THAT uncomfortable is fair...I think most of the people that make these types of comments are uncomfortable enough to begin with.
Unless you actually have AIDS, in which case, fire away...
posted by johnsmith415 at 10:02 PM on December 10, 2005
Unless you actually have AIDS, in which case, fire away...
posted by johnsmith415 at 10:02 PM on December 10, 2005
great question... this is often such an uncomfortable situation, but as someone pointed out already, it often IS really hard for people who aren't a size 2 to find nice clothes that actually fit. i would tend to emphasize this point in such a conversation, ie "yeah, i know, clothes just aren't made to fit normal people with normal bodies." and by normal, i mean all shapes and sizes. basically i just do everything i can to avoid supporting the belief that thin=beautiful.
posted by purplefiber at 10:03 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by purplefiber at 10:03 PM on December 10, 2005
I thought your answer was beautiful, especially because it was sincere. There isn't much you can do in a one-line answer to stop people judging their self worth by how attractive they are, and deciding how attractive they are by looking at fashion magazines and television commercials.
posted by leapingsheep at 10:27 PM on December 10, 2005
posted by leapingsheep at 10:27 PM on December 10, 2005
Pinksuperhero. I really like your question, but many people in our society really don't know if they are overweight or underweight. I have a borderline anorexic sister, so I have little sense of humor about this. I am tired of her getting thinner and thinner.She'e healthy now, but as she ages, I worry she will get terribly frail.
I say-- I think you look good (or great), but I you should ask a doctor if you are worried. I can't judge a healthy weight and I think your health should come first.
I am north American and Americans seem to have a highly unrealistic idea of their weight. They think their eigther huge when they are not, or are convinced that they are fine when they are putting themselves at terrible risk for cardiovascular disease. Doctors are the only people who seem to be honest. It is easy to be too thin, and easy to allow your weight to expand gradually. Send them to specialists.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 11:16 PM on December 10, 2005
I say-- I think you look good (or great), but I you should ask a doctor if you are worried. I can't judge a healthy weight and I think your health should come first.
I am north American and Americans seem to have a highly unrealistic idea of their weight. They think their eigther huge when they are not, or are convinced that they are fine when they are putting themselves at terrible risk for cardiovascular disease. Doctors are the only people who seem to be honest. It is easy to be too thin, and easy to allow your weight to expand gradually. Send them to specialists.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 11:16 PM on December 10, 2005
Respond, and always respond with: "Don't be silly! [deftly change topic]"
posted by Navek Rednam at 12:47 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by Navek Rednam at 12:47 AM on December 11, 2005
What with one thing and another, I've dropped about thirty pounds in the past year. I've suddenly become The Skinny One, with all of the "you're so lucky!" and "I'm a heifer compared to you!" that goes along with it.
My standard response to this is just a laugh and a "You've seen how I eat. You really think it's all going to stay gone?"
Nobody, so far, has been able to answer that.
posted by cmyk at 1:12 AM on December 11, 2005
My standard response to this is just a laugh and a "You've seen how I eat. You really think it's all going to stay gone?"
Nobody, so far, has been able to answer that.
posted by cmyk at 1:12 AM on December 11, 2005
As a "fat" girl, my sense of humor has thankfully preserved me from ever making the "how are you so skinny?" comment. What I really hate is when a thin girl (men never do this shit) starts telling me that she is "soo fat". Depending on how well I know the person, I usually say something like, "Does your ass fall asleep while sitting on the toilet? If not, then you're not fat, so shut up". Or I'll just come out and say, "Fishing for a compliment, eh?" Then again, people don't like me, either.
posted by katyggls at 1:27 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by katyggls at 1:27 AM on December 11, 2005
katyggls: Men do that too. It seems like every time I go out to eat with male friends, at least one or two of them will swear off some particular food or promise to begin working out because they're getting "fat." I'm a lot bigger than they are, but that doesn't seem to bother them. At one point, my old roommate roommate seriously solicited my advice on weight loss - which baffled me because I am about 1.5x his size. I thought they might be trying to tell me something, but I concluded that they're just oblivious.
posted by mullacc at 2:10 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by mullacc at 2:10 AM on December 11, 2005
Ah, the old compensating compliment. They're essentially fishing for compliments but they're also not stupid. Throw them a "compensating" compliment that similarly compliments them and insults yourself and move on. You say something like, "But you two have curves and I look like a broomstick with big feet."
posted by nixerman at 5:35 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by nixerman at 5:35 AM on December 11, 2005
Don’t discount the power of just honestly saying how the situation makes you feel. I’ve experienced great results with “you know, people being hard on themselves makes me uncomfortable”. There’s usually a second or two of awkwardness, followed by a brief apology and no more self deprecation. A person seeking complements wants to be liked. If they are made aware how their behavior effects you without feeling attacked, they will usually modify it to be more likable.
For more understated remarks, I’m not able to address them as directly. So far, the best results have come from asking for clarification in a very friendly, nonjudgmental way. “Pardon my confusion, but I’m not entirely sure what you meant by that last comment.”
It’s more confrontational than I’d like, but it’s proven more effective than trying to work with subtle cues and manipulation.
These situations make me incredibly uncomfortable, but I try to maintain a friendly tone of voice and big-ass smile in order to diffuse the situation as best I can.
posted by yorick at 6:14 AM on December 11, 2005
For more understated remarks, I’m not able to address them as directly. So far, the best results have come from asking for clarification in a very friendly, nonjudgmental way. “Pardon my confusion, but I’m not entirely sure what you meant by that last comment.”
It’s more confrontational than I’d like, but it’s proven more effective than trying to work with subtle cues and manipulation.
These situations make me incredibly uncomfortable, but I try to maintain a friendly tone of voice and big-ass smile in order to diffuse the situation as best I can.
posted by yorick at 6:14 AM on December 11, 2005
ThePinkSuperhero, I think you gave a lovely answer (and you couldn't do better!) and them turning it into a joke was really rude (I would have felt very uncomfortable).
As a person who was once angrily confronted by another shopper in a store for big sizes ("WHY are you in here!?!) I think it's about time to stop feeling guilty about being thinner/younger/whatever and start retaliating.
Maybe something along the lines of "Gee, SORRY!" (ok, it's aggressive but their initial remark was NOT clean of aggression either) or a more humorous approach (with friends) - "you know, it's a package deal. it comes with my debts(/neurosis/facial hair/dysfunctional family/whatever)" to remind them that we all have our blemishes and would they PLEASE stop zoning in on what they (don't have and) would like.
I suspect that my suggestions are not going to be among your favorites but darn if I'm not going to use them myself the next time someone bugs me (which due to weight gain is probably not going to be really soon ;-)) !
posted by mirileh at 6:24 AM on December 11, 2005
As a person who was once angrily confronted by another shopper in a store for big sizes ("WHY are you in here!?!) I think it's about time to stop feeling guilty about being thinner/younger/whatever and start retaliating.
Maybe something along the lines of "Gee, SORRY!" (ok, it's aggressive but their initial remark was NOT clean of aggression either) or a more humorous approach (with friends) - "you know, it's a package deal. it comes with my debts(/neurosis/facial hair/dysfunctional family/whatever)" to remind them that we all have our blemishes and would they PLEASE stop zoning in on what they (don't have and) would like.
I suspect that my suggestions are not going to be among your favorites but darn if I'm not going to use them myself the next time someone bugs me (which due to weight gain is probably not going to be really soon ;-)) !
posted by mirileh at 6:24 AM on December 11, 2005
yorick, you are so much nicer than me. and socially intelligent. i am working on growing ;-).
posted by mirileh at 6:26 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by mirileh at 6:26 AM on December 11, 2005
I think they felt uncomfortable and wanted to make sure you did, too... I get that all the time from older people, where they really want to interpret anything at all you say or don't say as an insult to their age. They make jokes like that to invent an illusionary "persecution" that brings the "unfortunate" (old/fat) people closer and excludes any "fortunate" (young/skinny) people.
posted by dagnyscott at 6:37 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by dagnyscott at 6:37 AM on December 11, 2005
sorry, I just noticed that you want to focus on friends who ask if they're fat.
my friends know my personally practiced attitude is that I am not wasting away hours of my life on getting thin/buying clothes/makeup/ect and are not likely to ask me in the first place. if they do the only thing i would worry about is if they're not happy with themselves or looks (otherwise why ask at all) and try and help them find a way to be happier (my advice is usually to wear something they like themselves in, no matter what size they are and to have an exercise routine they enjoy. that's all we really need).
posted by mirileh at 6:37 AM on December 11, 2005
my friends know my personally practiced attitude is that I am not wasting away hours of my life on getting thin/buying clothes/makeup/ect and are not likely to ask me in the first place. if they do the only thing i would worry about is if they're not happy with themselves or looks (otherwise why ask at all) and try and help them find a way to be happier (my advice is usually to wear something they like themselves in, no matter what size they are and to have an exercise routine they enjoy. that's all we really need).
posted by mirileh at 6:37 AM on December 11, 2005
I'm with the folks who just smile vaguely and say nothing. Especially with strangers, who have no business whatsoever making personal remarks about my shape.
posted by JanetLand at 8:39 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by JanetLand at 8:39 AM on December 11, 2005
I've suddenly become The Skinny One, with all of the "you're so lucky!"
Oh yeah....that's my favorite! I think it really says a lot about some people's attitude towards their weight. That is, people are either unlucky and fat or lucky and thin.
For me, the weirdest thing about hearing it is that I'm not thin, not in the Adrien Brody sense. I could understand the "lucky" thing if I were naturally slender, but I lift weights, and I have big beefy arms and a thick chest. That is, not the sort of things that develop naturally as a result of luck.
(I will pause here so that someone can make the argument that I was at least genetically predisposed to get big as a result of my workouts, therefore in a sense "lucky." I agree with that, but I work out about ten hours a week to make the most of my marginal advantage.)
It's mostly guys who make the self-deprecating comments to me. I never respond, because as I get older I've found that the one tenet of my life that I hold most dear is avoiding confrontation whenever possible.
However, if I were (more of) an asshole, I'd stop what I was doing and exhaustively enumerate each step of my daily workouts. Or, if at dinner, I'd point at their meal and then at my salad--half of which I've already boxed up to take home--and bottled water. Or, if really really pressed, I might out pull the dog-eared post-college snapshot of me about 75 pounds overweight.
But I don't do any of those things, because 1. I'm not a crazed evangelist and 2. because you can only convince people with actions, not with words. Also, like I said, I like to avoid confrontations. (Except at the movies; in fact, if anyone reading this is considering lifting weights, I'd recommend it based solely on the fact that when you tell someone to shut up during a movie they often shut the fuck up.)
So usually I'll just smile vaguely and say nothing, as JanetLand put it. I try not to take their bait. At the most, and only after my good humor has been worn down to a nub, I might suggest that, if they feel that poorly about themselves, they start working out with me a few days a week. (So far, no takers.)
I appreciate that this conversation hasn't devolved into the sort of fracas that most of these fat-related threads usually turn into. Good job everyone! I've tried to respect the peace...if I've infuriated anyone with this comment, I can only say that the effect was unintentional.
[Finally: I used Adrien Brody as an example of super thin-ness up above, but have you guys seen him lately? Wow. Sorry, bro...my bad.]
posted by Ian A.T. at 8:49 AM on December 11, 2005
Oh yeah....that's my favorite! I think it really says a lot about some people's attitude towards their weight. That is, people are either unlucky and fat or lucky and thin.
For me, the weirdest thing about hearing it is that I'm not thin, not in the Adrien Brody sense. I could understand the "lucky" thing if I were naturally slender, but I lift weights, and I have big beefy arms and a thick chest. That is, not the sort of things that develop naturally as a result of luck.
(I will pause here so that someone can make the argument that I was at least genetically predisposed to get big as a result of my workouts, therefore in a sense "lucky." I agree with that, but I work out about ten hours a week to make the most of my marginal advantage.)
It's mostly guys who make the self-deprecating comments to me. I never respond, because as I get older I've found that the one tenet of my life that I hold most dear is avoiding confrontation whenever possible.
However, if I were (more of) an asshole, I'd stop what I was doing and exhaustively enumerate each step of my daily workouts. Or, if at dinner, I'd point at their meal and then at my salad--half of which I've already boxed up to take home--and bottled water. Or, if really really pressed, I might out pull the dog-eared post-college snapshot of me about 75 pounds overweight.
But I don't do any of those things, because 1. I'm not a crazed evangelist and 2. because you can only convince people with actions, not with words. Also, like I said, I like to avoid confrontations. (Except at the movies; in fact, if anyone reading this is considering lifting weights, I'd recommend it based solely on the fact that when you tell someone to shut up during a movie they often shut the fuck up.)
So usually I'll just smile vaguely and say nothing, as JanetLand put it. I try not to take their bait. At the most, and only after my good humor has been worn down to a nub, I might suggest that, if they feel that poorly about themselves, they start working out with me a few days a week. (So far, no takers.)
I appreciate that this conversation hasn't devolved into the sort of fracas that most of these fat-related threads usually turn into. Good job everyone! I've tried to respect the peace...if I've infuriated anyone with this comment, I can only say that the effect was unintentional.
[Finally: I used Adrien Brody as an example of super thin-ness up above, but have you guys seen him lately? Wow. Sorry, bro...my bad.]
posted by Ian A.T. at 8:49 AM on December 11, 2005
I was too skinny until my late 20's, and people would point it out pretty often. It's not like I looked anorexic or anything, I was about 160 pounds at 6'1". I'd tell them it wasn't because I didn't eat enough, as I probably ate (and eat) a lot more than the average person. What was funny to me, however, was the barely masked anger in their tone (this was usually from overweight people) disguised as concern or good-natured ribbing.
One time when I was in my early 20's a female friend saw me without a shirt and said "God, you have no chest". To which I replied "Look who's talking" [she had very small breasts]. I could tell she was truly offended, and stormed off and we kind of drifted apart. The hypocrisy.
But back to people saying "I'm fat", sometimes I think they're preemptively putting themselves down before someone else has the chance to do it.
posted by Devils Slide at 9:38 AM on December 11, 2005
One time when I was in my early 20's a female friend saw me without a shirt and said "God, you have no chest". To which I replied "Look who's talking" [she had very small breasts]. I could tell she was truly offended, and stormed off and we kind of drifted apart. The hypocrisy.
But back to people saying "I'm fat", sometimes I think they're preemptively putting themselves down before someone else has the chance to do it.
posted by Devils Slide at 9:38 AM on December 11, 2005
I generally just semi-ignore it, usually by making some form of non-committal grunt. Such people are either making a genuine, open observation about themselves or else fishing for reassaurance/denial. Neither option really deserves a response.
posted by Decani at 11:46 AM on December 11, 2005
posted by Decani at 11:46 AM on December 11, 2005
What was funny to me, however, was the barely masked anger in their tone
Seriously. I've had a few people make it pretty clear that if they ran the world me and the other thin(ner) people would be first against the wall. I can best compare it to having a very hostile misogynistic man attack me verbally for no reason other than I'm female.
posted by fshgrl at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2005
Seriously. I've had a few people make it pretty clear that if they ran the world me and the other thin(ner) people would be first against the wall. I can best compare it to having a very hostile misogynistic man attack me verbally for no reason other than I'm female.
posted by fshgrl at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2005
I usually find that the people who say this are not in reality fat, but really believe they are. When this happens, I say "No - you're not, really." That's it.
posted by xammerboy at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2005
posted by xammerboy at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2005
Fshgrl, i've gotten that hostility too -- I was once told I was personally responsible for causing eating disorders in young girls, have been told "you make me sick" (while having my arm, stomach, or ass poked), and have been informed that people are "praying" for me to wake up obese one day so that I, too, can hate someone for eating sweets and not putting on weight. Most recently I was told by a coworker that as far as she was concerned, I had no right to complain about anything (and she meant, literally, anything: no right to complain about any possible stress or difficultly that could ever befall me ever) because I'm a size 4. "I mean, sure, it would suck if your parents died, but it would suck less for you because you're thin." (And she's not even "fat"! Maybe a size 8 or 10? She is, as this anecdote show, however, pretty damn irritating and immature.)
It's so disturbing to me, because of course we live in a terribly beauty-obsessed society, in which the vast majority of women -- thin or heavy, tall or short, busty or willowy, perfect cheekbones or chubby cheeks -- don't come close to "fitting" the ideal, me included! But christ, have I ever gone up to someone with really great breasts and said, "you make me sick -- you're the reason women are risking their health getting boob implants"? Fuck no. So I really resent being turned into the target for all the (genuine) hurt people feel about their own bodies, because of course I'm not responsible for creating this oppressive standard of beauty -- and have plenty of deep-seating beauty/body issues of my own (just ask anyone who's ever tried to take a photo of me!).
posted by scody at 1:44 PM on December 11, 2005
It's so disturbing to me, because of course we live in a terribly beauty-obsessed society, in which the vast majority of women -- thin or heavy, tall or short, busty or willowy, perfect cheekbones or chubby cheeks -- don't come close to "fitting" the ideal, me included! But christ, have I ever gone up to someone with really great breasts and said, "you make me sick -- you're the reason women are risking their health getting boob implants"? Fuck no. So I really resent being turned into the target for all the (genuine) hurt people feel about their own bodies, because of course I'm not responsible for creating this oppressive standard of beauty -- and have plenty of deep-seating beauty/body issues of my own (just ask anyone who's ever tried to take a photo of me!).
posted by scody at 1:44 PM on December 11, 2005
I like to change the subject at lightning speed, almost as if I never heard their comment:
"You can wear that becasue you're so thin. I'm not so lucky."
"You know! When I was about 11 I became completely attached to a sweater like this one that belonged to my dad - I started wearing it constantly, even though it pretty much came down to my knees. And around the same time I was obsessed with having shoes that were as tight as I could possibly get them. My mom would keep saying 'we need to get you new shoes!' and I'd say 'no, these are fine!' Just when I began to outgrow them was when they started feeling really good. I even got blisters and such and didn't really care. That was just how I liked my shoes."
At this point, if the person wants to talk more about how fat they are: to hell with 'em.
posted by scarabic at 6:25 PM on December 11, 2005
"You can wear that becasue you're so thin. I'm not so lucky."
"You know! When I was about 11 I became completely attached to a sweater like this one that belonged to my dad - I started wearing it constantly, even though it pretty much came down to my knees. And around the same time I was obsessed with having shoes that were as tight as I could possibly get them. My mom would keep saying 'we need to get you new shoes!' and I'd say 'no, these are fine!' Just when I began to outgrow them was when they started feeling really good. I even got blisters and such and didn't really care. That was just how I liked my shoes."
At this point, if the person wants to talk more about how fat they are: to hell with 'em.
posted by scarabic at 6:25 PM on December 11, 2005
I usually poke them in the stomach and say, "Come on, pull yourself together." It works.
posted by jon_kill at 7:50 AM on December 12, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by jon_kill at 7:50 AM on December 12, 2005 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Pigpen at 6:01 PM on December 10, 2005 [5 favorites]