My husband is overweight. I'm not at the end of my rope, but it's getting closer. Advice, any advice is welcome, even if you tell me I'm being unreasonable. SS details inside.
I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I'm a a crying mess over this problem and I don't know what to do.
I am 29/F and he is 28. We've been married 3 years, together for 10. No kids, no plans for any. He wasn't overweight when we met. But over the past five years he's gained weight through diet and a lack of exercise. He carries most of the weight on his stomach. With his shirt off, he looks seven months pregnant.
He knows I find this unattractive. We talked about again this a year ago, and since then he's been trying to make changes but they haven't made much of a difference. How the hell do I get through to him without crushing his feelings?
These are my issues:
- He has wobbled between overweight/obese and average all his life, but more overweight/obese. I know this is going to affect his health as we age. He has always been extremely unfit, except for a couple of years when he got deeply into long-distance cycling. But he's given that up - despite my encouragement - and gone back to unfit.
- I don't find him good-looking any more. He's a wonderful guy, but some days I look at him and think 'ugh', and I feel like shit for thinking that. Sex is more affectionate and less passionate because I don't think he's sexy and his weight prevents some of the positions and vigorous action I'd like.
We all fall apart/get fat/wrinkled/have a low-key sex life eventually, but he's 28, I'm 29 and it's far too early for that. I feel crushed, if this is the limit of our sexuality for the rest of our lives.
The next points are problems I think he has that prevent him losing weight. I really want to help but I don't know how to get through to him any more without sounding angry and bitter.
- One problem is, he's a very, very, very picky eater. I think he's a supertaster - most foods taste unpleasant to him and he sticks with a narrow range of meat, potatoes, cookies, bread, bananas, carrots and cereal. That's not everything, but it's frighteningly close to all he'll eat. He's added a very few healthier foods but it hasn't made much difference.
- He also has an ever-changing work schedule and is a chronic night owl, which makes it hard for us to eat together. He eats on the go a lot, making it difficult for me to be a positive influence by cooking for us, if I could find healthy food he'll eat!
- The actual root of the problem is, I think, that he comfort eats to lessen/put off bad feelings. Now, I've actually had this problem! I know it's hard, but I addressed it by *not buying food that makes me comfort eat* and finding other ways to lessen the effect of frightening emotions - exercise, distracting movies, etc.
He won't give up his treats, which always leads to him eating too much of them after a couple of days. I cannot stop him buying this junk food and I strongly feel that throwing it away wouldn't help him make the changes he needs to make for himself.
I've suggested counselling for his food problems, but he's already in therapy for milder OCD (which is improving), and feels that he should address one thing at a time. Am I a bitch for wanting him to try a little harder to walk for an hour a day, or leave the chocolate on the shelf?
So. I really want to help. I don't want to leave him over this, but the lack of attraction is hurting our relationship so badly I don't know what to do
How can I get my feelings across without being a mean shrewish wife? I worry that if I get going on this, I'll hurt his feelings so badly he'll sulk, eat more, and give up because his little bit of progress isn't good enough for me.
tl;dr: overweight husband no longer attractive to me, tried losing weight but continues to eat junk food and hasn't got far. I can't spend the rest of my 20s and 30s with a man I don't find physically attractive. How do I get through to him without completely crushing him.