Should I stay or should I go now?
August 17, 2008 8:00 PM Subscribe
RelationshipFilter: Do I move out to a new city with my new boyfriend where the old boyfriend lives? Long back story inside.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
So, for two and a half years in college and a year after, I dated a guy. However, after a year of living together post-college, he got a long term job offer in Portland and I got a short term nursing gig in the middle of nowhere (the pay was good even if the area wasn't), and ex-bf decided he couldn't do long distance, so he broke things off. It wasn't exactly a clean cut, as I hooked up with him a couple of times afterwards in a barely veiled attempt to keep the relationship alive, but the distance effectively kept it from going back to any semblance of a relationship. In the meantime though, I managed to glorify the relationship and how great it had been (obviously there were more problems if he wasn't willing to wait 9 months for my nursing gig to be up).
Fast forward a year: even though I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm socializing and have made a fair number of friends when I meet a great guy here! He's a good fit for me in a lot of ways, but I find myself hesitant to let myself fall for him, as I am still hurt from before. We get along really well and he has a lot of characteristics I've been looking for (kind, funny, chivalrous, etc). We've been dating for about half a year now and yesterday he let me know that his job just offered him a significant promotion under the condition that he move to... you guessed it... Portland!
My current boyfriend says he will stay around here if I want, but I know he hates his job here and would really like to take the new job (plus, it's closer to his family and friends). So, no questions about it, I want him happy and will let him know he should take the job if he wants. The problem is, that although I really like my boyfriend and enjoy his company, I'm not head-over-heels in love yet and I'm also worried that although Portland is a big city, I'll eventually end up reconnecting with my ex... and, well, 'reconnecting.' (I wouldn't cheat, but I can see myself getting close to him and ending my current relationship to once again try to re-live the glorified relationship)
I just re-signed my nursing contract until April, so I'm here until at least then. At which point, I could a. move out to Portland. b. re-sign my contract to stick around here and keep racking up some savings. or c. move back to my home state (in the southwest... I'd only be able to visit Portland via plane) and sort my life out.
So, I guess I have a few questions:
1. Do I risk it and move out with the boyfriend in April? Or do I take one of my other options? I know April is a ways a way, but I have to decide relatively soon so I can get all of the logistics figured out.
2. Is it normal to not be completely in head-over-heels in love after 5 months? Any real life stories or anecdotes are appreciated. Besides a couple casual boyfriends in high school, I've only had the one serious relationship and I was head-over-heels for him in a couple months (I was a young and naive 20 year old... I'm 24 now), so I have nothing else to compare this to. Am I cruel for continuing to date someone even if I'm not sure I want to end up with them forever? And how can I make sure I'm over my ex?
Or am I just overthinking all this way too much?
Thanks in advance to everyone for your advice... no throwaway email account here, but if I need to add more info I'll contact jessamyn (my apologies in advance as well).