How much distance is too much distance?
September 28, 2010 11:06 AM Subscribe
Is it a bad sign that I don't miss my LDR boyfriend? snowflaky details ensue.
posted by custard heart to human relations (17 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
We met this summer and had a totally wonderful whirlwind romance. Three months of total bliss -- when I met him I had just found out some terrible news about a friend's health and he let me cry on his shoulder and was thoroughly wonderful, we ended up living together for ten days after knowing each other a month and even that was great. We communicate very well. When he was in town we were totally in love -- I could see myself having this dude's children and making a life together. We've talked about meeting each others' parents, taking vacations together. Serious stuff, especially for me!
He's gone back to Vancouver for work and has been there for about a month, to be moving to my city mid-October. Not just to be with me, but I think mostly. We talked on the phone every few days when he first left and it felt so good. I missed him tonnes. He writes to me all the time. But....this week, I just don't find myself missing him anymore. I was sick with bronchitis for two weeks and couldn't talk on the phone and didn't want to write emails much. And now that i'm moderately healthy again....I just don't feel like talking to him. He's sent such sweet texts and emails...wishing me health, showering me with such compliments and flattery that it makes me kind of annoyed and uncomfortable (I just don't tend to go in for that sort of thing). And I just feel kind of 'whatever' about it.
When we're together it was total bliss, but now I find myself focusing on the more annoying things about him. Nobody is perfect, and I don't expect to find anyone who doesn't have qualities that irk me, but seeing as though he's about to make a huge life change in order to be with me I can't help feeling guilty and a bit freaked out about the immensity of the commitment we're about to make. I'm having serious second thoughts.
What are those annoying/incompatible qualities, you ask? Well, he's a total romantic. Loves grand gestures and sweet favours and cute things and fawning over me, and I do not consider myself a romantic at all. Those things make me blanch sometimes; they make me uncomfortable and annoyed. I've always been that way -- I can be cutesy with someone for a few weeks and then it just seems like a waste of time and energy to me. I'm not the most emotional person, and he's a total softie. Also, he's a total creative type. Filmmaker by trade, musician by hobby, and it's not like I'm not supportive, I just find myself a little bored and uncomfortable with self-expression that is so personal and intimate.
But of course, he has tons of qualities I really like. Handsome, smart, entertaining to talk to, clever...we get along really well. I've never been good at long distance relationships before (even short-term) as I tend to just get used to my current situation without the person there, but when together things tend to pick up where they left off (or at least have in the past). I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm just worrying that this kind of commitment is becoming more of a bad idea if I don't find myself missing him. He's way more into me than I am into him, or at least he is in a different way. He's passionate and over-the-top, I'm pragmatic and would prefer to be *comfortable* with someone rather than passionately in love with them. I'm concerned that in the future we'll find we're incompatible.
Should I tell him this? He'd be CRUSHED if I told him this when I wasn't totally sure, and I haven't brought it up because I don't want to hurt him needlessly. This could be a really good thing for me. Should I be concerned? If so, how much? Am I just totally over-thinking this?