I miss my boyfriend. This other guys is nice. Help!

January 6, 2012 8:49 PM

Am I emotionally cheating on my boyfriend?

Background: I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with a 23 year old male. We've been together for four months, and are currently living (many) hours apart. While we haven't been together THAT long, we feel very strongly for each other, and are tentatively talking about what we can do to eventually end the long distance. This is the first serious relationship for both of us.

I recently made a new friend at work. A guy. We've been having lots of conversations in between shows (this is the performing arts business), and we've hit it off as it turns out we have a lot in common. I've thought for the past few days that he might be interested in me, but I'm often off the mark about these things and didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Well, today he asked me out. I said no thank you (of course) because I have a boyfriend, but that I would happily hang out as friends. Now, the issue is that this guy is exactly the type of guy that I would be into if I was single. He's pretty good looking, and we seem to get along very well. If I was single, there's no doubt in my mind that I would have accepted his offer, and been very flattered and excited and optimistic about it, because he's very much the kind of person that I would be into. He seems like a really nice guy. Since he asked me out, I've noted to myself that it's a shame I'm not single because if I was I would be totally into this guy. To be perfectly honest, I am attracted to him a bit. This takes nothing away from how much I care for my boyfriend, of course, but is kind of disconcerting to me BECAUSE I have my boyfriend.

This is the first time I've ever been asked out by somebody while in a relationship that I would go out with if NOT in a relationship, and I guess I'm not sure of the correct way to emotionally approach it. Usually I just get attention from mildly creepy guys on the street who I gladly brush off the advances of ("Ugh, my boyfriend is so much better than you creeps!") as opposed to nice guys I would actually consider dating material in other circumstances ("Oh...that really is too bad.")

Questions:

I would never physically cheat on my boyfriend (he's a wonderful guy and I'm really happy with him) but I wonder if even thinking the stuff above about how this guy from work would be nice to date and how I'm a bit attracted is emotionally cheating on him. As I said, I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I'm kind of learning how things go as I go along. I sure know I would be sad and a bit shaken up if my boyfriend found himself slightly attracted to someone else, but I think as long as he was happy with me and it didn't threaten us I think it would be alright. This does NOT threaten me and my boyfriend. I would not cheat on him. I AM happy with him.

I wonder if some of this has to do with my boyfriend being far away? I miss him terribly and we stay in fairly good contact, but I suppose if he were physically around me more often I wouldn't feel the slight tug I get when talking to this other guy. I would get my tug whenever I would see my boyfriend, but that hasn't been for two weeks now. (Gosh, I miss him.)

Also, I was talking to my friend who was saying I shouldn't hang out with this guy as it would cause too much temptation. Nothing physical would ever happen, but I do think that it might be an opportunity for more mixed up emotions.

Help! Am I betraying my boyfriend emotionally? I don't want to be! Am I right to be confused and disconcerted over this?

posted by Emms to human relations (34 answers total)

Is this not one of those questions you sort of answer, by feeling the very need to ask it?
posted by timsteil at 8:52 PM on January 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, to make it worse, I know because of a friend of mine who he talked to afterwards that he feels bad about me turning him down and that he's always the guy who gets turned down. This makes me feel sad, because I know what it's like to like people and never have them available to you, and part of me wants to tell him that I WOULD totally go out with him if I was single to make him feel better, cause it's true, but that's probably not a great idea.
posted by Emms at 8:54 PM on January 6, 2012

It seems certain that your boyfriend would feel bad if he knew you were wondering these things. What is that worth to you?
posted by TheRedArmy at 8:59 PM on January 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think you might give yourself away a bit when you say that you would be bothered if your boyfriend was somewhat attracted to a girl and was hanging out with her as friends.
Is this the sort of thing that you're willing to share with your boyfriend the next time you talk? If so, then talk to him and see what his reaction is. If you think you should not discuss it with him, then you might be trying to hide something.
posted by Gilbert at 9:03 PM on January 6, 2012

You're not emotionally cheating just because you're attracted to another guy and realize that you would date him if you didn't already have a bf. It's not wrong to be attracted to other people while in a relationship, or wrong to find other people attractive. It happens. We're human. What you do with those feelings determines if you're emotionally cheating. If you start considering cheating on your bf, that is a red flag on your behaviour.

For future reference, you are emotionally cheating with someone if you basically interact with them in a romantically intimate way, that is more than just friends, even if there isn't so much as kissing.

Your friend is right - don't hang out with the new guy. Implement some strong boundaries.

Also, it's not your job to make the guy feel better. Don't get sucked in by those puppy-dog eyes. Go with your instinct - it's not a great idea to tell him you would go out with him if you were single. Then he may think, "Oh, I have a chance!" and hold a candle for you and yeah, slippery slope.
posted by foxjacket at 9:04 PM on January 6, 2012 [33 favorites]

long distance romances rarely work out in my book.
life is short.
have fun while you're young, that's what i know.
posted by goutytophus at 9:04 PM on January 6, 2012 [28 favorites]

Oh, no, do not tell him that.

On the one hand, it's natural to be attracted to and even feel a connection to other people - it may be a "grass is greener" syndrome, it may be loneliness, or maybe this guy gets you in a way your boyfriend doesn't. Mostly, though, this is just the fact that you are both human beings. I do not think it is wise to be friends with someone who is attracted to you and to whom you are attracted.

But the fact that you've spent so much time thinking about and predicting your response to whether this guy pursues you worries me. Maybe it's just that your post reads "the lady doth protest too much."
posted by sm1tten at 9:04 PM on January 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't want to say that this is necessarily the right thing to do, but you might seriously want to consider just telling your current boyfriend that you're not ready for a serious long-distance relationship and you want to see other people.

Just a thought.
posted by empath at 9:05 PM on January 6, 2012 [27 favorites]

Yes. You are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend.

On the other hand, this is a basically totally normal thing to do. People are attracted to people, even when they are in other relationships.

So: remain clear with the other guy that you are not available, remain clear with yourself that you are not available, maintain boundaries, and never speak of this again.

Alternatively, take the position that a four-month long mostly long-distance relationship is not all things considered such a big deal, end it and try dating new fun guy.

Those are your choices. Which one is more appealing? (This quiz is not rigged, there is no correct or incorrect answer, it really is that simple.)

part of me wants to tell him that I WOULD totally go out with him if I was single to make him feel better, cause it's true, but that's probably not a great idea.

If you plan to stay with long-distance boyfriend, then this is an incredibly stupid idea. It will not make new fun guy feel better, it will not make you feel better, and it will do the opposite of simplifying the situation.
posted by ook at 9:06 PM on January 6, 2012 [8 favorites]

I think what stays inside your head is no one's business but your own. What thoughts arise is hard to limit, and merely having them is no reason to feel guilty.

But obviously, if you don't keep your thoughts about your boyfriend positive (you're all good there) and keep your other thoughts from having a hurtful impact in the world (here's your problem), then you're doing him a disservice.

It sounds like you're allowing the attention from the other guy to go pretty far in that direction, and your boyfriend would probably be hurt by it. Make a choice pretty quick here, and stick with it solidly.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:08 PM on January 6, 2012

Don't tell this guy the whole "if only..." thing. That would give him false hope and honestly be kind of cruel.

I think it's a good idea to limit your interactions with this new guy to professional stuff and outings with other people. Keep it very clear-cut platonic only, both to keep him from getting the wrong idea and to keep yourself from accidentally falling into date-like patterns. I wouldn't lie to him - he should know that you're not being cold because of anything he did, but simply because of your LDR and how much you really care about your boyfriend. But it would be good to omit all the stuff about how much you do like him, both to him and your friend you talked to afterwards. Just keep that sort of thing to yourself. Even if he's "the guy who gets turned down" that's his own problem, not yours. You have NO obligation to him in this regard.

You have to decide, what do you think is going to make you happier? A much more probable happy relationship in the future with your current boyfriend, or the potential possibility of something happening with this new guy? I think by just asking this question and thinking about it you already know the answer.

For what it's worth I don't think that it's bad to just think about these sorts of things. Every long term monogamous relationship deals with outside people like this once in a while. Even if your boyfriend were local you would still have this trouble one way or another. Being able to calmly think through it and deal with it like a rational person is a good sign. It's much more preferable than denial or avoidance.
posted by Mizu at 9:09 PM on January 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you are asking if being attracted to someone else and thinking about him as a potential boyfriend, recognizing that and thinking this much about it is a form of emotional cheating, then (just very mildly) yes.

But your boyfriend, as great as he may be, has only been your boyfriend for four months, and most of that has been long-distance. Maybe this confusion is your way of letting yourself consider dating other people, like your new friend. If you are really attracted to this other guy, perhaps your long-distance relationship isn't everything you need.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:11 PM on January 6, 2012

Eh, attractions happen. There's nothing wrong with it, even going as far as fantasizing about possibilities, like you seem to be doing now.

What will lead to wrong is keeping your closeness with the new guy a secret from your boyfriend, and spending too much time with him, even if you don't get physical. You absolutely should tell your boyfriend that he asked you out -- if you don't want to risk hurting him by telling him about the crush from your side, this will at least get the hint across that there's a guy in the picture. It's the honest thing to do, and it may actually end up defusing your attraction (once the secrecy is gone)! Your confusion may also settle down once you know your bf's reaction.

I disagree with the comments that say that this may be a sign that you're not happy with the long-distance relationship. Sure, these situations are more likely to arise in LDRs, but they arise in regular relationships too. You just need to deal with them according to what's best for you.
posted by redlines at 9:21 PM on January 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

No, of course you're not cheating on your current boyfriend, unless you've omitted something big. It's not cheating to socialize platonically with someone, or to be attracted to someone else, or to have idle thoughts of other people. If that were cheating, everyone would cheat on their partner every day.

A relationship is a connection you have with another person - an emotional or physical intimacy. From what you describe here, you met a nice and attractive guy who happens to be into you, too. That's not cheating.
posted by Sara C. at 9:22 PM on January 6, 2012 [7 favorites]

I think it's totally normal to have a crush on someone while you're in a relationship. That's not cheating.

Four months isn't a very long time. If your attraction for this guy becomes so great that you want to follow through on it, call your boyfriend and propose seeing other people. You haven't married him yet. You're young, it's a relatively new long-distance thing. That doesn't make the relationship disposable, but it's also not necessarily something you have to build the rest of your life around. If this guy seems great and is becoming more attractive to you than your boyfriend, then do your boyfriend a favor and let him go. And who knows, he might be happy/relieved to have a monogamy downgrade for his own needs while you're far away. All kinds of arrangements work. It isn't necessarily a zero-sum game.
posted by elizeh at 9:24 PM on January 6, 2012 [9 favorites]

Oy, this question has some answers I really disagree with so far!

I find it hard to believe that there is a significant group of people out there who claim never to have been attracted to someone else while being in a monogamous relationship. Don't listen to them, OP - they are lying. Everything you've done so far has been on the up and up.

"Emotional cheating" is not defined by just being attracted to someone else. What people mean when they say "emotional cheating" is when you're behaving like you're in a romantic relationship with someone, but without the physical side.

When you're with him, would you not want your boyfriend there?
Would you need to hide your e-mails, text messages, letters, or voicemails from him because they would make your boyfriend feel bad?
Do you feel guilty about how much time you're spending with him?
Do other people think that you are dating him because of the way you act together?
Do you treat him differently from other platonic friends (buying him gifts, holding his hand, calling him late at night)?

Any of these could be a red flag for emotional cheating.
p.s. don't hang out with this guy anymore except as part of a group. Nthing your friend.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:01 PM on January 6, 2012 [22 favorites]

I don't agree with people saying that you should just give up on the long distance relationship because you're young (probably because I'm also young and in a semi-LDR?) That unfairly discounts what you're saying about how you're happy with your boyfriend and want to stay with him. It's normal to have moments of doubt and "Ahh am I making the right choice?" early in a relationship, especially when your boyfriend is far away- that doesn't mean you have to end things. It's also normal to be flattered when someone you like is interested in you, even if you don't or can't reciprocate.

Now, I do think that if you want to stay with your current relationship, you need to distance yourself slightly from this other dude. Think about your behavior from his point of view, and don't act in a way that might lead him on. Invite other people to hang out with the two of you, keep things light, don't shy away from bringing up your boyfriend- keep it firmly in friendly territory. Consider telling your boyfriend about this guy who asked you out and letting him know you turned him down and aren't encouraging him. Hopefully, you and this other dude can move on and be friends. If you can't do this, and can't prioritize your relationship with your boyfriend over your friendship with the other guy... well, that's a different situation.
posted by MadamM at 10:33 PM on January 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

you are 23! just go out with the other guy and have some fun. Maybe you and your LDR can work out a semi-open relationship arrangement while you are apart.

you might as well get out and have some fun while you can.
posted by mary8nne at 2:34 AM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

The only way you'd be emotionally cheating on your boyfriend is if you spent a bunch of the time when you're with your boyfriend daydreaming about New Dude. But that's not what you've said is happening. What you've described is exactly the way a mature person in a committed monogamous relationship handles finding themselves attracted to somebody outside it: with honesty and integrity. So, well done you.

Now, it may happen that your boyfriend cracks the sads about this and gets all insecure and wobbly and possessive and starts laying down the law about who you are and are not allowed to hang out with; that's pretty common behavior for people who have yet to put the hideousness that is high school social politics behind them. But if he doesn't, he's a keeper.
posted by flabdablet at 5:03 AM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was talking to my friend who was saying I shouldn't hang out with this guy as it would cause too much temptation.

In my opinion, that says much more about your friend than it says about you.
posted by flabdablet at 5:04 AM on January 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

Because you've been in a LDR for only four months and you're 23, I'd suggest that end it with your long distance boyfriend and see how it goes with this new guy. If you had been dating longer, or had a ton of dating experience in your life, then I might think otherwise. but you're young. Just break up with your boyfriend and go out with the new guy.

...Although, it's a little weird to me how he told someone that you rejected him and that he's pretty much the Charlie Brown of the dating world. He might be kind of a whiny boy who overshares.
posted by kinetic at 6:11 AM on January 7, 2012 [6 favorites]

"Emotional cheating" - what a beautifully ambiguous, unfalsifiable concept.

Are you tempted? Yeah, you said so. We'll all be tempted.

Hanging out as friends with someone you're attracted to, when you don't already have an established friendship? That would be fine, if you weren't - tempted. Since you are tempted - not cool.

Since you are tempted, I think the best-case scenario is you'd be leading the other guy on, and you know it. Not cool, and you know it.

Trying to figure out whether either of these not-cool things fits into a nebulous definition of "emotional cheating" is a distraction.

What you should be thinking about is this separate issue: do you want to break up with your boyfriend? Maybe you don't. You do need to think about it, though.
posted by tel3path at 7:32 AM on January 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

YOu sound to me like a very good person who genuinely cares for your boyfriend and for your other friend. You don't sound like a cheater, though of course this is tempting. It's OK to recognize this situation is totally tempting and still guard your own behavior and thoughts so that you don't wander into "cheating" territory (where I really don't think you are right now). You've been honest, and I think that as long as you're good at being very clear and not sending mixed signals you could even let your friend know that his offer was really special and flattering and that the timing just isn't right because of your commitment to your current boyfriend. The trick there is to be really clear this isn't an invitation to keep hope alive or explore further intimacy, just to let him know how you see the situation.

This situation will recur in life. Now that I'm in my 40s I'm pretty comfortable saying to people like this "ah, in another lifetime, perhaps" and we can both feel nice about appreciating one another, but without doing any damage to our existing relationships. It's never a bad time to start learning this skill!
posted by Miko at 8:32 AM on January 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

On the one hand, I'd say that at this point, you might as well end your LDR (which sounds like a lot of work) and try out New Guy, who sounds great and easy. On the other, if/when things don't work out with New Guy -- since usually they don't, right? -- are you going to feel awful having ended a good thing with Long Distance Guy just to try it? That's obviously only a question you can answer.

And of course there's always the issue that if things don't work out with New Guy, you still have to see him every day at work...

But I don't know. LDRs are a lot of work! (I'm coming up on 3 years keeping mine together with a wonderful person. :-) )
posted by high5ths at 9:00 AM on January 7, 2012

Also, to make it worse, I know because of a friend of mine who he talked to afterwards that he feels bad about me turning him down and that he's always the guy who gets turned down. This makes me feel sad, because I know what it's like to like people and never have them available to you, and part of me wants to tell him that I WOULD totally go out with him if I was single to make him feel better, cause it's true, but that's probably not a great idea.

You're all pretty young. If he's as lovely as you say, this will get better for him as time goes on, as he gains overall confidence and experience. What won't make it better is telling him "you were THIS close!"

The "other guy" does deserve something from you: really, really clear signals. You gave him a nice, firm, unambiguous rejection, and you should keep it that way. "Gosh, if I didn't have this 4-month LDR going on, I'd totally go for you!" is not a nice, firm, unambiguous rejection. It's a way of keeping the energy going.

You sound very kind and thoughtful, and I'm sure you're a very awesome person. But there are lots of awesome people in the world; you're not the last girl out there for New Guy. He'll manage.
posted by endless_forms at 9:06 AM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

Your first serious relationship should not start as long distance. It's that simple. 4 months is not very long.

Sorry.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:01 AM on January 7, 2012 [4 favorites]

Cut yourself some slack. You met someone attractive, you're thinking about him. That's fine and normal - if does have the potential to turn into drama, but you sound like you want to act ethically and kindly. There are lots of people in the world that you could have a good romantic relationship with, maybe he's one of them.

It's worth your time to consider, "Hmm, taking everything in my life into account, might I be better off with new guy?" Maybe you would be happier with the new guy, and it doesn't sound like there are any major external factors to stop you (formal committment to boyfriend, history of ending relationships whenever something new and shiny comes along, etc.). If that's the case, the best thing to do is break up with Boyfriend and see if New Guy will go on a date. Or maybe you decide the new guy isn't worth ending your relationship for, and maybe you have a chat with your boyfriend about how to stay special to each other in spite of the distance. Both of these are better outcomes than ignoring your feelings because of some notion that thinking about other people is tantamount to cheating. Why yes, I do think the phrase "emotional infidelity" is loaded hokum.

That said, wallowing in these thoughts isn't good. I'd suggest giving yourself a night or so to think about your life and these men. And then be decisive - which might mean breaking up with your boyfriend, or might mean continuing your friendship with new guy while being perfectly clear (with yourself and with him) that you aren't pursuing more than that, or might mean something else altogether.

...The only thing that reads oddly about your question is that your new friend asked you out at all. Did he know you're in a relationship? If yes, asking you out was questionable behavior. If not, for future reference, when you're in a happy relationship that you want to keep, and you meet someone new and attractive, it's a good idea to drop a "Yeah, I love basket weaving. My boyfriend showed me this basket weaving article the other day..." into one of those early conversations, so everybody's on the same page.
posted by orangejenny at 10:09 AM on January 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

You're not emotionally cheating, but 23 is too young for a distance relationship.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, as long as you honestly would never do anything physical. I have a lot of female friends. One in particular is beautiful, nice, smart, fun -- exactly who I would want to date were I single. But we've never been single at the same time, so we're just good friends.

There's ALWAYS an attraction between friends, just not always physical; that's why you're friends!

But there are 2 things that seem like warning signs:

1) You say: I sure know I would be sad and a bit shaken up if my boyfriend found himself slightly attracted to someone else...

That's not okay, and not realistic. THIS is why I think you're too young for this. I hate to burst your bubble, but your boyfriend is attracted (and not just slightly!) to lots of women. His eyes are wandering, and he's masturbating thinking about them. That's what guys do, especially young guys. Accept that attraction is part of life and move on.

2) You don't mention it, but did the new guy KNOW you had a boyfriend before asking you out?

If so, he's not a nice guy; he's an asshole. If not, why not? Were you keeping it from him?
posted by coolguymichael at 10:21 AM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

Did the new guy ask you out because he thought you were single, because he thought you weren't that into your current relationship, or some other reason?

If you've omitted things about your life to this new guy (such as the fact that you are in a relationship), then that's a red flag that you are not being emotionally honest. If you've told him about your relationship but downplayed it to the point where the new guy thought it wasn't really that serious, that's also a red flag.
posted by illenion at 10:36 AM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

In your shoes, I would totally call your "boyfriend" and tell him that because you don't live in the same city, you need to see other people, and that you still love him and can't wait to see him. Then Fedex him a copy of "The Ethical Slut" and, on the way home, totally go do this guy. Principle being: better to regret things you have done than things you haven't.

Uh, now, your mileage may vary, but that's what I would have done.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:14 AM on January 7, 2012

OK, I'll be the one going against the grain to tell you that my first serious relationship was long distance (he was in USA, I was in Peru), I was 22 when we started dating (he was 25)and we took it seriously from the beginning. We are married now and our LDR lasted 2 years before I officially moved here. We spent all of our savings travelling and visiting and many miserable nights on skype, but here we are happily married. Of course, I'm not saying you should marry him, just that when people tell you your relationship isn't so important because you're young, they can be wrong. Things are as important as they are to you, period.

Only you know if sacrificing your single lady freedom for this guy is really a sacrifice or not, I would go the other way and say don't sacrifice a relationship with potential just like that. Analyse what your feelings are, how much you like this guy and make your decision based on that. Only you know what singleness, hook ups, your current boyfriend or a possible future boyfriend score in your own book.

About emotional cheating, that's also a limit that you decide, with the input of your boyfriend. The fact that you ask makes me think that you are not comfortable or feel kind of guilty. Analyse how YOU feel about your actions and the way you act with this guy. Don't let the new guy/friends/etc. guilt trip you, and keep in mind that you also have to take your bf's opinion into consideration, within reasonable limits.
posted by Tarumba at 11:29 AM on January 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

New guy will agree to hang out as friends on the chance that he can woo you. It sounds like you like this guy, so he's not off base to hold out hope that he can woo you.

I vote you either date him or don't hang out with him.

ps: I don't think he's a jerk for asking you out even if he knew you were seeing someone else -- he never made a promise to your boyfriend.
posted by vitabellosi at 1:18 PM on January 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

Before you listen to everyone here and break up with your boyfriend because it's only 4 months and this new guys is closer so why not throw away the long distance relationship, remember that new guy only asked you out on one date, but you don't even know what he's looking for in a relationship, if he even wants a relationship, if things would work out with him, etc. if you're happy with your boyfriend then stay with him as long as you're happy with him.

But anyway, its not cheating. Your friend is probably right, don't hang out with new guy alone, or more than what is generally appropriate for a friendship. Basically, if you see your female friends twice a week and that's a normal frequency, then don't hang out with this guy *more* than twice a week. Set him up with one of your friends, or hang out in groups after work, and don't hang out with him in a way that you wouldn't hang out with a guy friend who you would not be attracted to.

If your feelings for new guy grow, or if your relationship starts not making you as happy, then you can think about all this again. But for now don't throw away what you have when you don't even know what this guy would be like even if you guys try dating.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 11:09 PM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't think you're in a situation where you have emotionally, cheated, and so I don't think you need this book (you've only been together for 4 months, you haven't done anything too intimate with this guy) but it's a useful handbook if you're looking for a definition for or an explanation of "emotional infidelity." Again, I don't think this book describes you're situation, but in case you're curious:

Not "Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass

It was useful for me in showing how a lot of people ending up cheating. Often it begins, she says, as a friendship in which you share more with the man (or woman) than with your partner, are more emotionally intimate with them than your spouse, and shows how this can lead to physical intimacy. I didn't realise that many affairs began in this way, and it was useful for me to know this; to be suspicious of the impulse in myself to share more emotionally with men I might be attracted to, than with my partner. Of course, you still want to have friends of the opposite gender (I'm assuming heterosexuality) and attraction can be a part of most friendships, but yeah, she's pretty good with showing which boundaries to respect if you want to stay faithful.
posted by Clotilde at 7:36 AM on January 9, 2012