Mother troubles

August 16, 2008 4:36 AM

Mother troubles from a high-school teen

My mother's extremely sensitive to all manner of stimulation, which makes living with her very hard. I'm a musician and she doesn't let me practice music when she's in the house because it bothers her, which is not doing wonders for my ability. Today she woke me up at around 6 AM because I was supposedly making noises that were making it hard to sleep. I was _asleep_. This is a recurring theme: She wakes up at the slightest noise, and needs lots of sleep, so I can't do anything while she's asleep. The worst part of this is that she's a 'night person' and I'm a 'morning person', meaning that she doesn't let me live my body's natural schedule. This is really grating to me psychologically! What can I tell her to allow her to let me live my own life?

posted by LSK to human relations (20 comments total)

Is it possible that she's depressed?
posted by proj at 4:41 AM on August 16, 2008

She's not clinically depressed, just extremely sensitive.
posted by LSK at 4:43 AM on August 16, 2008

This may not be a terribly useful suggestion, but my wife is a sensitive sleeper, and I am noisy as hell, a white noise machine or fan to create some blanket noise did wonders.

Also in terms of practicing, unless you are a drummer, you should be able to practice with headphones, and can get your hours in without disturbing anyone.

Perhaps you could rent a practice space in your area that would allow you to practice at full volume off site.
posted by Ponderance at 5:25 AM on August 16, 2008

Ponderance: Not that sort of musician... I play acoustic instruments.
posted by LSK at 5:34 AM on August 16, 2008

My first question would be - is this actually about noise, or is there something else amiss in her life or your relationship? Maybe she is bothered by or unhappy about something she can't or won't articulate, and she is expressing it by being hyper-sensitive to noise. So, depending on you relationship, you may ask:
- please tell me straight out if something I am doing is bothering you instead of focusing on enforcing silence
- is there anything I could do that would help us coexist better?
- how do you suggest I practice my music or engage in other noisy activity, should we work out a schedule?
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 5:39 AM on August 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's unfortunate that you have had to "maintenance" her (it sounds like) without compromise. What you might do is for a week or so (or a period that you see fit) be very accommodating and do your very best not to disturb. While you are doing this start thinking about alternative ways to schedule your lives, with some give and take, so that both of your needs are more equally met. Then you can take the lead and ask your mom if you two can have a discussion about this situation. When you discuss, be sure to strongly acknowledge that you take her sensitivities seriously. And then propose some alternative solutions while explaining that all of this tip toeing isn't exactly healthy for your relationship and is taking a bit of a stressful toll on you. Explain exactly how this effects you negatively in terms of overarching consequences in your life ie increased tension/ stress, lack of feeling relaxed in your own home, inability to develop musical skills, etc...

And, it is possible that she is depressed/ anxious. Depression can manifest in so many different ways- obvious sadness is not necessarily a component. Sensitivity to sounds/ noise can be a symptom. My mother is similar in this respect- she really can't cope with noise and commotion. She is also a drinker. Does your mom drink alcohol? Alcohol can contribute to non restful/ light sleeping.

For music practice- can you set yourself up with headphones? Is there a local university with practice spaces? Could your high school set you up with a space? Could you and some friends rent a practice space (perhaps your mother could help with funds)?

Anyway, hope this helps and good luck.
posted by mistsandrain at 5:44 AM on August 16, 2008

Start trying to negotiate on the basis of fairness. "Mom, I know how much you need your sleep. Could we try whitenoise or earplugs, so I can practice? I really want to improve my music skills without disturbing you. What if I do a few extra chores so you can see how important this is to me?"
posted by theora55 at 5:57 AM on August 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Waking you up because your 'noisy' sleeping stops her from sleeping doesn't sound extremely rational to me, unless she's extremely sleep deprived. Not knowing your living situation I would imagine there are at least two doors between you if you were both in your bedroom - so does she actually accept that she is extremely sensitive and you're not extremely noisy?

If so how did she handle this when you were young (and less likely to be aware of noise you were making)/ in other living situations (growing up/living with partner - you're quiet on if it's just the two of you)? If she accepts that she is extremely sensitive could you maybe talk to her and explain how the restrictions she imposes on you affect you? There are probably many practical ways you can arrange your life that would help but she would have to accept that change is needed!

If practice time and generally different body clocks are the main concern suggest practical ways round that like - would she wear ear plugs when you practice or listen to some music she likes, or go for a walk for half an hour, or do the shopping or some noisy chore? Does your house carry noise well? If so consider ways of sound proofing both your bedrooms somewhat and having carpets/rugs/curtains/wall hangings etc to reduce noise transfer throughout the house?
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:02 AM on August 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Every time I've brought up the issue of her sensitivity to her, she always turns it into a shouting match and prevents any rational discussion. She doesn't like wearing ear plugs (I've recommended them in the past) and doesn't want to pay for soundproofing. I'm right below her in terms of bedrooms.
posted by LSK at 6:06 AM on August 16, 2008

she always turns it into a shouting match and prevents any rational discussion.

It sounds like there are some significant underlying problems here- is there a supportive relative/ adult in your life for you to talk with?

Does your mom drink alcohol?
posted by mistsandrain at 6:13 AM on August 16, 2008

What *is* your noisy sleeping? In particular, teeth grinding can wake up even a deep sleeper. There are other noise issues that actually might mean some sort of medical issue.

But assuming it isn't.

1. Are all the doors shut? If there's lots of room under them, or if they're flimsy, or if they don't shut right, get new doors. Doors keep sound from moving as well.
2. Do your beds share the same indoor wall? Move the beds to the other side of the room.
3. What kind of things can you not do while she sleeps? It's reasonable that you don't practice while she's asleep; it's unreasonable that you don't get to practice ever. Ask to set up a schedule for practice times, general quiet times, etc.
4. What are the things you want to do in the morning while she's asleep? Can you try to schedule reading and quiet things in the morning?


You need to have the conversations with her calmly. Write out what and how you want to say things before you speak to her. Do not deviate from your calm script. You can also write it in a letter so she has time to think over proposed solutions before you talk. Have your own proposed solutions, too. (Don't have ones like "I'll just move out and work at Starbucks", though.)
posted by jeather at 6:15 AM on August 16, 2008

I'm sorry you're going through this.

As a mom to a teenager and a smaller kid, I've had my share of irrational moments, but your mom does sound a bit unbalanced from the way you're describing it. The fact that she, as the adult, is taking a tact of shouting and insisting on her own way (rather than acknowledging your needs/rights and suggesting a compromise) is a bit concerning. That's probably hard for you to hear, but it seems obvious to me and to several other people who've responded to your question that perhaps she needs some professional help. I'm sure you love her, but you don't need to defend her behavior here - I think that is getting in the way of you hearing and taking others' advice.

I assume it's just you and your mom at home since you don't mention a dad. That's got to be tough because you're facing this issue one-on-one. Is there another grown-up in your life that you could ask to help mediate this situation with your mom - a friend or aunt or grandparent that your mom would listen to and/or trust?

Do your bandmates or friends have parents you like and trust? I wouldn't suggest they intervene here - it's bound to put your mom on the defensive [I know I wouldn't like it as a mom] - but maybe you could practice your music at someone else's house?
posted by Sweetie Darling at 6:22 AM on August 16, 2008

I agree with all the responses above but I want to come at it from a different angle. I think your mom has some problems and this is unfortunate, but you probably cannot fix them, and you probably cannot change her behavior.

What you can control is how you deal with this. Do not be afraid to look out for yourself. If you are nearing the end of high school, realize that you do not have to live with your mom for much longer if you don't want to. Start planning for life afterward. If you are not working and saving money for your first apartment, consider doing that. If you have a few years to go, realize they will go fast, and find ways to stay away from home when you can. Are there practice rooms at your school? Will your band/orchestra teacher let you stay after school and practice there? How about at a local music store? Can you hang out at your friends' houses and gradually stay away from home more? Do you have a friend who also likes to make music, and who has more understanding parents?

I bet there are all sorts of things you can do to make your life more pleasant if you stop thinking about changing/fixing your mom's weird behavior, and start thinking about how to do the best you can given the way she is.

Good luck and please do not give up on music because of this.
posted by fritley at 6:52 AM on August 16, 2008 [9 favorites]

If you are close with your extended family would it be possible for you to live with someone else for the rest of your "growing up at home" years? If her self absorbed behaviour is effecting your schooling & your pursuit of extra curricular learning you might need to consider this. Living at home with my biologicals completely impeded my ability to function at school & extra curriculars were utterly out of the question. I had to deal with them as though I were the parent, so eventually I took them to court for child support and had my god-mother appointed as my guardian. I know that I would have dropped out of school in grade 7 and fallen irretrievably through the cracks if I'd stayed at "home". Hopefully things aren't so dire for you, but they do sound bad... if she cannot compromise for the sake of her child's future, you need to do everything possible to help yourself. Living with an aunt, for instance, could be posed as a benefit to her, as she won't have to live with your noise etc. Good luck.
posted by zarah at 7:49 AM on August 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

You mother sounds like she has mental health problems, and it's 'tell a trusted adult' time. It's not just being hypersensitive: my mother prefers some rooms be quiet and generally doesn't like people underfoot first thing in the morning. The problem is that she's the adult and she's supposed to figure out a way around you (for example my mother gets up with dawn's grey light to avoid being bothered in the morning, an hour the rest of us wouldn't touch). Her waking you up first thing in the morning to declare 'You're too noisy!' sounds like crazy person behaviour. Likewise the yelling is abusive.
posted by Phalene at 8:22 AM on August 16, 2008 [5 favorites]

Can you practice somewhere else? School? If you can drive, or bike or take public transport to a university, you can maybe start thinking creatively about finding other practice space; this will still take some thought and creativity on your part -- finding practice space is a classic problem -- but it can be done.

Also, even if you have an acoustic instrument, is there an electronic equivalent that you could use just for practice? "No" is a completely possible answer here, but it's something to consider. Even if you play a wind instrument, there are computer controllers that mimic this.

Finally, if it turns out that your Mom is kind of crazy (and there's no way to tell just from this post, I think, but she could be kind of controlling, or depressed, or any of a hundred things), recognize that and work around it as best you can; don't feel you have to hide it or pretend it's not a problem. Above all, try to make good friends; playing in music ensembles can be really good for this. Good luck.
posted by amtho at 8:34 AM on August 16, 2008

As far as practicing music, (unless you're homeschooled or something like that) could you try staying after school/going before and using the band room or practice rooms or something? It's pretty common for some schools to allow that (esp. if you ask the resident music teacher/band director.)

I know that's not a solution to your mom's issues, but maybe it'd be less frustrating for you to be able to get in some practice time and both of you would get some alone time.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:41 AM on August 16, 2008

It was like this for me when I was a teen. Throughout my teen years, it was a constant struggle with my mom to not wake her up when she was sleeping, even though my room wasn't next to my parents' room. She'd yell or complain about infractions like:

* Going to the bathroom late at night
* Typing on my computer
* Listening to music in headphones

Needless to say, playing a music instrument wouldn't have gone over well.

The thing is, this wasn't related to depression, nor related to my particular noisemaking abilities -- while my mom's had her emotional ups and downs, this has been a constant, and she's had trouble with noises waking her up in the many years since I've left the house.

There were two things that helped: first, my dad got her a white noise generator, which she really does like and does actually help. Find a loud one. The second? I hung out at friends' houses at night -- a difficult social proposition since they couldn't hang out at mine, but one I was able to pull off, at least late in high school and when I was home from college.

Good luck!
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 10:05 AM on August 16, 2008

My grandmother went through a time where she was irrationally sensitive to noise (among other things like getting dizzy often), and it was an inner-ear problem. And, in retrospect, the family realized that great-grandma, who was also often unpleasantly sensitive to noise probably had a similar problem without knowing it. It might be worth her looking into, especially if she's having problems with balance or dizziness (which would make me want to sleep a lot, too!).
posted by ruby.aftermath at 10:26 AM on August 16, 2008

I notice that in an earlier AskMe question, LSK, you complained of being dehydrated when you wake up. If this is taking the form of a dry mouth, it's possible that you have sleep apnea that you aren't aware of. This can happen in teens as a result of enlarged tonsils or problems with adnoids. Just in case this is a problem, then you would actually be making possibly loud sleep noises, plus probably suffering from a dry mouth and feeling tired and unrested.

You might try recording yourself during the night, just in case. Most people who suffer from sleep apnea are apparently not aware of it, unless someone else sleeps in the same room and hears them.

Good luck working things out! If your mom is very sensitive to noise then I bet there are a lot of other things that bother her as well, like dogs barking in the neighborhood, garbage trucks, car alarms - a white noise machine might be a real help to her. (I've never actually tried one, but I've read about them, and if you and your mom end up getting her one, avoid one with a short "loop". That would drive me totally crazy, and I don't consider myself overly sensitive.)
posted by taz at 11:09 AM on August 16, 2008