Leave me alone!

June 8, 2008 7:33 AM

Ex-boyfriend mails crazy letter to my family. Seems to have totally lost it, and concocted a conspiracy theory that they were out to get him, and will somehow end up destroying my life. I. Am. Freaked. Out. Next steps?

I broke up with this guy about 2+ years ago. Did not exhibit any sort of crazy paranoiac behaviors when we dated, but his mother has pretty severe mental problems in which she also feels like random people are out to get her. We broke up, as many people do, because we just weren’t right for each other. He was a pretty good boyfriend. Hard working, funny, caring.

After we broke up, Ex moved away, and we had light, normal "hey how’s it going" exchanges via email, phone now and then. Saw him about a year ago and things were "off" - seemed like his personal/professional life in his new home wasn’t going well at all, seemed highly uncomfortable in his own skin.

About six months ago, he called me when I was really, really drunk. Basically said "your family is out to get you, they will break up whatever relationship you have and make you miserable." He claims they did sneaky things to let him know he wasn’t wanted around me, but I doubt that seriously. The family in question, while being a little high strung and prone to worrying, are dear people who care about me so much, and would never ever do anything to hurt me. I was really, really drunk, don’t remember the whole conversation and didn’t really have my wits about me to tell him off. I think I tried to tell him that yes, my family is sort of crazy, but would never do anything to hurt me. I think I tried to talk him out of feeling this way, but it clearly didn’t work. I didn’t contact him after the phone call because I was made so uncomfortable about it. Maybe I should have...

The letter, which my family read me, seems totally insane. Told them that I've been in therapy "because of them" and that I think they are crazy. They know I've been in therapy and it has something to with family issues, but in reality it has very little to do with them. They said there might be blood on the letter, and that it ended with "last time I saw you (my college graduation, I'm guessing) I should have punched you in the mouth. Next time you won’t be so lucky."

A) I'm upset that he's contacted them directly. He must have gone through my phone book to get their address. These kind people don’t deserve this kind of stress.

B) Frankly, I'm worried about my personal safety, but moreover their personal safety. Do we go to the cops? I generally don’t trust cops and don’t think they'd really do anything in the first place.

C) After I was told about the letter, I called and left a message on the Ex's voicemail stating "Hey, I heard you sent my family a letter. Don’t do that again. If you have issues you want to discuss, call me." Was that the right thing to do?

What should I do? I’ve never been in this sort of relationship/ex drama before, and I'm clueless. My end goals are that he never contacts my family again, and generally doesn’t contact me either. I want to feel safe again. I’ve got a great job, great boyfriend – my life is awesome. I don’t want him meddling. I'm very sad that it seems he's completely lost his mind, but I don’t want to get involved in his mental issues. Sorry for the length.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Cops first. Lawyer and restraining order second.
Don't talk to him.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:38 AM on June 8, 2008

Yeah, cops. The guy needs help, but you can't help him. Keep yourself safe.
posted by desjardins at 7:40 AM on June 8, 2008

seconding the above advice. also: document all interactions--keep letters, log phone calls, etc. he is probably mentally ill. don't call him again.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:50 AM on June 8, 2008

I’ve never been in this sort of relationship/ex drama before...

This is not ex drama. This is psychiatric drama. Meaning: it is possible that it has very little to do with the actual you (or your family) and much more to do with whatever is going on in his presumably undiagnosed and/or unmedicated head.

If you are not in a position to get him help, then there is nothing you can do except go no contact because you really cannot reason with this kind of crazy. Don't call him, don't take his calls, don't answer any emails, tell your family to return any mail and hang up on him.

And nthing the restraining order if you or your family feels it is warranted. Personally, I'd wait to see if he makes contact again because these things can blow over very quickly if he fixates on something else, but if it makes you feel better right now, go for it.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:57 AM on June 8, 2008

IANAD, IANA psychologist, but I think he's in the common age range for developing schizophrenia if you are both within a few years out of college, and he has some sort of family history. Do you have contact info for any of his siblings, other family, or friends who might encourage him to get help?

Also, of course, protect your own safety.
posted by ecsh at 8:44 AM on June 8, 2008

This sounds like undiagnosed bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. We've dealt with this in our family, and the signs - self-medicating, paranoia, erratic behavior, delusional thinking, messianic thought processes (he's going to save you from your awful family) - are pretty classic. Early to mid-twenties is a very common age for the illness to manifest. I am so sorry; the emotional collateral damage to good people like yourself and your family can be considerable.

Thresholds is a wonderful organization in Chicago that offers support to people with mental illness and their families. Contact them and search their website for additional information on how to cope with this sort of person in addition to the good advice in this thread to document all interactions, have your family report the threatening letter to the police, and to avoid all contact with your ex.

Some would say that contacting his family is not your concern. I disagree - were I you, I would have your parents attempt to contact his parents and make very clear to them that you have had minimal contact with him over the past year, you are not in a relationship of any kind, your parents have no relationship with him, and that you and your family will not tolerate this kind of harassment. The point is not to be harsh but to be direct and unequivocal that he has crossed a boundary and they must take action to prevent it happening in the future. Had my own family been made aware of our family member's behavior for several months prior to their psychotic break, we'd have been able to act much more quickly. It is quite possible that a this and a visit from the police may be exactly what your ex's own family needs - they may be unaware of his behavior or in denial about his condition, and a wake-up call is critical to keeping him from harming himself or scaring you and your family further. I wish you and your family the very best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:59 AM on June 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

yeah, that's not ex-drama. that's fucked-up-person drama.

definitely log all contact and ask your folks to do the same.

ask your therapist what the best next steps are. s/he probably has some experience with this and may be able to point you to local resources, and can probably suggest if it's time to talk to the cops yet or what.
posted by rmd1023 at 9:09 AM on June 8, 2008

Nthing the he-needs-medical-attention pileon - I have an uncle who's schizophrenic, and as far as I understand the situation, it was very similar - same age range, perfectly normal, nice guy, engaged to be married, in fact, and then got sick very rapidly. You need to do what you have to to make yourself safe - and your therapist is probably a very good first line of contact, although it's not a bad idea to let the police know that he's unstable and has threatened your family.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:45 AM on June 8, 2008

If your ex has had a psychotic break, he is a dangerous threat. I know you say you're distrustful of the cops, but they're getting better at taking this kind of threat seriously.
posted by bananafish at 10:00 AM on June 8, 2008

Could be developing schizophrenia. I think asking your shrink for advice is a good idea; he or she may well have a better grasp on whether this is a serious danger or not.
posted by Justinian at 10:16 AM on June 8, 2008

One last point:

C) After I was told about the letter, I called and left a message on the Ex's voicemail stating "Hey, I heard you sent my family a letter. Don’t do that again. If you have issues you want to discuss, call me." Was that the right thing to do?

If he were just a normal ex who maybe got a little drunk and bitter one time, maybe. But if he's mentally ill and getting worse, definitely not. You do not want contact of any sort with him if he's going off the deep end.
posted by Justinian at 10:17 AM on June 8, 2008

Pretend this is not an ex-boyfriend, but an ex-coworker, fellow student, acquaintance, cable repairman, teacher, etc. Proceed from there.

The Gift of Fear has quite a bit on how to not engage/escalate in these situations.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:27 AM on June 8, 2008

Cops. Lawyer. Restraining order. It's not really your responsibility anymore to get him help.

The most I would do is, if he is out of contact with his family, you could call them to let them know that he may be developing psychiatric problems. You probably wouldn't want to contact his mother, obviously, but someone else who is mentally stable. If he maintains contact with them, then they should already know, and contacting them will only put you in more danger if anything.

Ah, yes, and talk to your mental health care providers about it, both for your own health, and to see if they know anything else that you could do for him without putting your health in danger. They also will have an idea of what sort of treatment he may get if his case gets taken up by the authorities before he's able to get help for himself. Needless to say, it's not ideal, but depending on where he is, it may or may not be as bad as one would think. Some jurisdictions are finally beginning to be more proactive about dealing with mentally ill people in the justice system.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 10:31 AM on June 8, 2008

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. While this isn't perhaps a classic stalker story, I believe that some of the consensus around here regarding those interactions may help here as well.

- End all contact. Do not respond in anyway. Any contact, no matter how negative will just reinforce the interpersonal connection in the mind of this guy. You could say to him, "I hate you. Never contact me again," and in his mind he may spin it as if you don't really mean that, as if perhaps your family is making you say that, etc.

- Follow the advice up-thread and document all contact and interaction. Unless the letter is threatening some type of physical violence it's doubtful you have grounds for legal action (restraining order.) Do however talk to the police. They will put you in contact with whoever handles this type of thing. That person's name and number will be handy to keep around.

- Tell all your friends and family what has happened. But be very specific: tell them that you don't want them talking about the issue for fear it may get back to him, but tell them that you want them to be aware of what is going on. They should inform you if they are contacted by him.

Hopefully this guy or someone close to him will see the problem for what it is and he'll get help.

I'm worried about my personal safety, but moreover their personal safety. Do we go to the cops?

Generally speaking you're probably not in any real danger. The guy sounds like he is having some mental issues that are manifesting themselves as paranoia. It's a leap to think that he could go from letter writing to doing something more physical. But be aware, be alert.

As for the cops, see above. Yes you should contact them, no they probably can't do anything for you.

I called and left a message on the Ex's voicemail stating "Hey, I heard you sent my family a letter. Don’t do that again. If you have issues you want to discuss, call me." Was that the right thing to do?

Yes. That was absolutely the worst thing you could have done. Please don't do that again not matter what happens. Any contact with a person this paranoid and delusional will only prolong this whole situation. Break off all contact immediately.

I want to feel safe again.

"Feel" being the key word in that sentence. You're having an emotional response - which is natural. But keep in mind - a letter can't hurt you. So far your level of safety has not realistically been lowered. Don't live in fear.
posted by wfrgms at 10:35 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

The National Center for Victims of Crime has a lot of information about stalking, including a downloadable log file you can use (useful if you get law enforcement/legal help).
posted by Gorgik at 10:50 AM on June 8, 2008

Seconding The Gift of Fear. That book has a lot of information directly relevant to your situation.
posted by jennyjenny at 10:58 AM on June 8, 2008

Cops. Lawyer. Gift of Fear. Documentation. Right away.

When you talk to your friends, and that is a very good idea, there are a few things to make clear to them. It's likely that you're going to have to make a display of seriousness. Tell them that you've retained a lawyer and have spoken with the police. Request explicitly that they neither pass on information about you to him, nor try to broker some sort of compromise between you two. There can be no compromise: that guy needs to be out of your life, period, with no further contact of any kind.

My experience with a likely schizophrenic stalker was that our mutual friends and acquaintances often did not want to believe that anybody they knew could be that overwhelmingly out of control. And when you tell people that you have a stalker, you often wind up stumbling into some of their worst fears about their own past behavior. If anyone has ever had an unkind thought about you, they'll remember it then and label you an unreliable narrator.

My male friends, especially, were not unlikely to try to re-tell the story in their own heads to make it into some less unpleasant, more familiar narrative. (The women, more risk-averse, had generally figured the guy for crazy well before I told my story.) It's a sad thing to relate, but don't be too shocked if some significant portion of your friends says something along the lines of, "You must have misunderstood! He's such a nice guy! I had a crush on an ex once, too, and it sure twisted my head around. And, you know, I wasn't too fond of my ex's family either. I'm sure his behavior is perfectly normal. Why don't you open your heart a little?"
posted by sculpin at 12:12 PM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yes. That was absolutely the worst thing you could have done.

The worst? The ABSOLUTE worst? I think that's a little harsh.

That said, I agree with everyone that this is completely not ex-bf behavior, but some sort of psychiatric issues. No, you shouldn't continue any sort of contact at all. Restraining order, etc. is the next course of action. This is for his own good, too.

Don't let yourself get embarrassed or beat yourself up. Tell your friends and family that sadly, ex seems to be suffering from some mental problems and that they should not engage in any sort of contact with him. At all. (And reassure your parents that the letter isn't true, any of it.)
posted by desuetude at 12:44 PM on June 8, 2008

Given that the ex is threatening your parents, and not (yet) threatening you, it is your parents who need to go to the cops for the restraining order most crucially. The good advice above about talking to your friends needs to apply to your parents and their friends, too.
posted by Asparagirl at 1:20 PM on June 8, 2008

I don't know what jurisdiction you're in, but generally speaking, if a person's mental state has rendered him a genuine threat to himself or others, he can be involuntarily committed for ~72 hours for observation and evaluation. That may well be warranted here.

Google "(your county here) mental health" to get the number of the local crisis line, then call it. Tell them everything you've told askme, here. They'll help you understand what your options are. They will also probably help you to do a little safety planning, which, right now, is an absolute -must- for you and your family.

In fact, there's no reason to put off your safety planning until you make that call. This PDF from the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a very good tool for basic safety planning. Filling out the safety plan worksheet might make you feel like a hypervigilant idiot, but don't worry about that. Safety planning isn't just for domestic violence victims who know to a certainty that they are in serious physical danger. Oftentimes, it's just about being prepared for horrible but extremely unlikely contingencies-- the idea being that, if the @$# really does hit the fan, you want be able to act to protect yourself as quickly as possible, without having to take the time to think about it.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:24 PM on June 8, 2008

I would make the effort to contact his family. They are the ones who are probably making all the decisions for him at this point (or will be in the near future) and they need to know. They will be in contact with his psychiatrist and therapists and it's best those people are also aware of this behavior. Contact through a third party is probably best, ideally a professional, so see if their local police or county has a mental health division with a caseworker that can do this. Otherwise ask your therapist, see if your parents are willing to make the call or write a letter and have an attorney or other third party send it and direct all correspondence to them. If they weren't aware that he was slipping, they will be and will be able to help him.

He hasn't really done anything terrible, long rambling letters don't mean he's dangerous and probably won't get you a RO. Plus if you want a RO you will have to provide him with your current address and place of employment and keep that info updated. You may not want to do that. The people best able to judge him are his caregivers so get the info to them and see what they say. In the meantime I would avoid contact and make the relevant people (roommates, close friends, any security in your building and place of employment) aware of the situation and ask your parents to do the same.

I had two friends who underwent similar breaks in their early to mid 20s. The good news is that with medical help and the support of friends and family they are both doing extremely well and haven't had paranoid episodes in years.
posted by fshgrl at 1:57 PM on June 8, 2008

The Gift Of Fear seems to be the book of choice here on Mefi, and I've read it too. The one thing that always stands out is don't engage them, EVER. If they call you 36 times and you finally respond, you just taught them that it takes 36 calls to get your attention. Had you not talked to them, they might have given up after call 37. Next time they'll try 70 times maybe.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:46 PM on June 8, 2008

nthing that he might be having a bi-polar episode, especially if you're in your 20s or so. Basically everything that TryTheTilapia said... when my fiance's brother went crazy the first time, he became fixated on people and things that normal people wouldn't think about much anymore. He would write strange letters to those people as well, and think that he was saving them from something. He would also threaten people.
posted by Nattie at 1:14 PM on June 9, 2008