How do I tell my parents I'm not a devilworshipper?

May 12, 2008 7:23 PM

How to I gracefully tell my parents that I've changed religions?

Three years ago, I realized that my current religious beliefs weren't helping me. I became a practicioner of Santeria and I'm happy with my decision. I'm starting to participate in more and more ceremonies and there's one coming up that I'm very excited about. I would love to tell my parents and have them share in my happiness. I've wanted to tell them many times before but I've been terrified they would reject me. I'm ready to tell them now, but am unsure of how to.

My mother is Christian and doesn't think highly of other religions including Catholicism (which her sister and my father are.) I tried to talk about my sister-in-law's father who converted to Islam to test the waters recently and she thought he was "making a mistake turning away from God." My father is rather racist and I'm worried that he would just berate me for "hanging out with those (insert expression here)" I have no problems standing up to either of my parents and I'm not financially dependent upon either of them. But I would like to have a good relationship with them and have them be happy for me with this.

I have no idea how to tell them, or even how to bring it up gently. I live halfway across the county, they are on the east coast. I don't really want to do it on the phone, but I have no desire to do it on some holiday. I almost told her on Mother's Day, but thought better of it.

So, two part question... How did you handle it when you told your parents you had different religious beliefs then they did? I want to handle this gracefully as possible and with a happy outcome, but barring that and going with my gut; how do I deal with my parents rejection and shunning of me? If you need to ask any questions, email me at [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

Do you find their religion irrational? Will they find your religion irrational? Will other people think both are irrational? Santeria involves animal sacrifice. Gracefully telling anyone you kill animals for a spiritual world that they don't believe exists will not go over well. Your parents are no exception. I'm not placing Christianity on a higher pedestal of rationality than Santeria, just pointing out that you selected a religion with a low-hanging fruit of ridiculous behavior that will be plucked again and again. Expect your parents' reaction, whatever their own flaws, to be about on par with most people's.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:30 PM on May 12, 2008 [5 favorites]

I just did it by attrition. My parents were both Catholic (well, mum was Church of England but converted to Catholicism for my dad) so I was naturally raised Catholic. After I left home I just sort of moved away from it, and whenever speaking to my parents they would ask if I was going to mass and it went from "Yes" (a lie) to "Oh, now and then" (truthful) to "No" (fact!).

I'm now (though retrospectively I always was) an atheist and my very religious family is fully aware of it and we very occassionally brush the surface of the issue in conversation but I do what I can to steer us away from it. I don't believe there is any animosity involved, at least I haven't felt it. One of my brothers jokingly calls me a "pagan" and I'm hip with that and don't bother correcting him because it doesn't harm me and doesn't lessen my resolve one iota.

I guess the best way is to just break it to them gently. Every now and then drop hints that religion is something you have been "thinking a lot about" but don't go into specifics.

Maybe that's the coward's way out and maybe Santerianism (I'm not at all familiar with it) specifically forbids you from telling your parents half-truths, but it's what worked for me. I stand by my atheism on principle but I don't make a big thing about it and my family, thankfully, doesn't either.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:34 PM on May 12, 2008

Probably not the most mature advice, but my thought is to not tell them. Why would you have to tell them? It's your business. I don't know how comfortable you are faking things a bit at religious ceremonies and gatherings. I'm an atheist and I always bow my head, close eyes, show respect, kind of thing. Can you go on pretending you're a Christian, say amen, and all that without feeling untrue to your religion? Not out and out lying, but keeping the peace?

I keep some of my liberal views to myself when I'm around my conservative parents. Not because I am ashamed or afraid. Because sometimes, it's not worth the hassle.

Is it realistic to keep your new religious beliefs to yourself?
posted by LoriFLA at 7:34 PM on May 12, 2008

I would love to tell my parents and have them share in my happiness

Consider this alternate view: Maybe your parents don't need to know. They sound fixed in their ways and beliefs, so why try to change them? Accept them for who they are and learn to enjoy that part of your life without them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:34 PM on May 12, 2008

I think you have to be prepared for a certain amount of rejection from your parents. The best thing you can do is remain calm and try to explain your beliefs and educate them about your religion. If your mother remains intolerant of your spirituality even after you have talked to her, just make it a point to not bring it up around her. Religion, by its very nature, is deeply personal and some people will never accept that other people on this earth can believe differently than them.
posted by ISeemToBeAVerb at 7:48 PM on May 12, 2008

Gracefully telling anyone you kill animals for a spiritual world that they don't believe exists will not go over well.

that's a pretty goofy domain and method of worship you've selected for yourself there, poster.

Islam has animal sacrifice too.

But anyway. I'm in a similar boat to you. I've tried explaining but it didn't go down well. At this point, I just keep it quiet, and when my mum goes "make sure you pray!!" I just go "mmhmm".
posted by divabat at 7:48 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's not the same thing, but you might gain some insight by reading some of the "how do I come out to my parents" threads here and elsewhere on the internet. There are a lot of obvious similarities between the situations (fear of disappointing loved ones, wanting them to share in your happiness with your true self, possible moral indignation, etc.). This thread in particular has a lot of good insight and advice.
posted by vytae at 7:54 PM on May 12, 2008

It doesn't sound like they'll be happy for you, based on what you wrote. If they're as bigoted as you imply, it will certainly take them a long time to warm to the idea of their child as a practitioner of Santeria regardless of its positive impact on your life.

If you want them to know so that they'll be aware of this part of your life, then you could try to emphasize that your previous beliefs and tradition weren't working for you and that this new faith and practice is something that you've found through a sincere and thoughtful search (i.e., you didn't just google "new religion" and pick the first result, rather you struggled and pondered and sought spiritual guidance). However, if you want them to know so that they'll be happy for you as you approach this upcoming ritual... I think you're setting yourself up for a major disappointment.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:09 PM on May 12, 2008

I don't think I'd drop the Santeria bomb on them. Ever. You already know it's not going to go well. I don't think they will "share in your happiness" in the slightest, it sounds like they will feel really disturbed at best. Do you really want to get harassed about how you're going to hell, all the time? You can't make them happy about your choice when it's drastically different from theirs and they are all about conventionality (or um, racism). I think it will make them unhappy. And hell, they don't HAVE to know because they are not around when you are practicing to know differently.

As for personal experiences: most of my family does not know and never will know I do a different religion, because It Would Not Go Well. (Guess why.) My mother knows and it's kind of weird: she's used to some of what I do, but quietly freaks the hell out when I mention doing anything with a group. I've learned to say the absolute bare minimum (i.e. "I have a meeting tonight?" "With them?" "Yes.") to her to explain why I wasn't home when she called or whatever, but in general she's happier not knowing 98% of what I'm up to. Fine, whatever. But she's more "open" than anyone else I'm related to, so I think that's the best it'll ever get.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:09 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I would love to tell my parents and have them share in my happiness.

Lower your expectations. From what you've told us, grudging tolerance is about the absolute best you can expect. Happiness is way, way out of the realm of likelihood. I can foresee a situation where Dad blows up at you, Mom cries, and you're angry and hurt. Yes, you should be able to be who you are, and they should accept you anyway, but let's be realistic, and let's be kind to yourself. You don't need to put yourself in a situation that you KNOW will be rough on all parties. Save your excitedness for your friends in your newfound religion, and spare yourself the heartache of Mom and Dad's inevitable lack of understanding.
posted by desjardins at 8:17 PM on May 12, 2008

The OP did not ask for our opinions on Santeria or its practices. Here's the actual question:

How did you handle it when you told your parents you had different religious beliefs then they did?... how do I deal with my parents rejection and shunning of me?

I never did have a big sit-down coming out talk with my folks. For one thing, my involvement with what I call "disorganized religion" (neo-Paganism) took place over a period of years; it would be hard to pinpoint the moment when it changed from something I did to something I am. I suppose I just talked more and more about events that were happening in my spiritual community, holidays we were celebrating, etc.

(I'm also fortunate in that my folks, though devout members of their church, are not too burdened with the "everybody else is going to burn in hell" trip. In fact, my Dad, who is politically and socially quite conservative, stunned me by attending -- and participating in! -- a Day of the Dead ritual that I led. I guess for him, parental pride trumps doctrinal orthodoxy.)

On the other hand, I did make the mistake of having a Big Talk with my mom in my early 20s when I figured out I was kinky. The information really upset her, and when she asked me why I told her, I found I didn't really have a good answer. In retrospect, I should have realized that she didn't need to know that about me -- any more than I needed to hear details about her sexual life.

So, long story short, I tend to agree with the folks who say not to make a Big Deal of it. The fantasy of having your parents "share in your happiness" is just that: a fantasy of approval and validation, not based on who they are or your actual relationship with them.

If you tell them a little bit at a time, rather than sitting them down for what could be TMI, they can ask you questions when they're ready to hear the answers.

One of the things that marked my growing up was the recognition that I didn't need my parents' approval of everything in my life. It's OK to for some things to be my business and not theirs. The same is true for you and your religious beliefs -- particularly if your disclosure is likely to be the cause of conflict and alienation rather than increased love and understanding.
posted by ottereroticist at 8:21 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

It sounds like when you ask how to gracefully tell them, you really want to know how to make sure they don't have a terribly negative reaction. The truth is, you already know how to say it gracefully, and you can't control their reaction. If you tell them in a calm reasonable way, then you've done all you can do and their reaction is not your fault.
posted by winston at 8:31 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

But I would like to have a good relationship with them and have them be happy for me with this.

The way you have described them, I think how you have a good relationship with them where they are happy about how you are living your life is to keep some things a secret from them. Perhaps as they get older, they will get more tolerant of other's beliefs.

You can identify with whatever you like without the approval of your parents. Your identity and beliefs do not hinge on their approval. You feel that it's important to tell your parents -- but is this more important than continuing to have a good relationship with them?
posted by yohko at 9:01 PM on May 12, 2008

The OP did not ask for our opinions on Santeria or its practices.

This is highly relevant to the discussion. "How do I tell my parents I've become a Satanist?" is a different question to "How do I tell my parents I've joined the YMCA?". Public, and parental, opinion of the organization concerned is highly relevant to how they react, which is in turn highly relevant to how (and if) they are told.

That said, Santeria isn't Satanism. The name only sounds like Satanism; in terms of its actual classification in religious traditions, it's voodoo. I wouldn't expect most people (and especially not conservative Christians, and three-times especially not conservative white Christians) to understand, respect, or care about the difference between Satanism and voodoo.

Then add in the racial/racist angle: these are African-descended Caribbean religions. If you're not yourself of Caribbean, or African, descent, taking up Santeria becomes a cultural as well as a religious rejection of your family's values.

If your family is of African-Caribbean or African-American descent, this won't necessarily make it any easier; many of your ancestors--under duress--abandoned and lost their African religious heritage and took up--under duress--the white man's religion, and the subject is at least as culturally and racially charged as the Nation of Islam. Even African-Americans who are staunch atheists might have a problem with Santeria that they wouldn't have with Christianity or Islam; it's an issue highly charged with racial politics, and if you ask any five people, you'll probably get seven irreconcilable opinions, four of which are strongly held. Do you need to be the focus of that?

As for the animal sacrifice, well: "Followers of Santería point out that the animal sacrifices involved is conducted in a safe and humane manner. The priests charged with doing the sacrifice are trained in humane ways to perform ritual slaughter. Furthermore, the animal is cooked and eaten afterwards by the community. In fact, chickens, a staple food of many African-descended and Creole cultures, are the most common sacrifice; the chicken's blood is offered to the orisha, while the meat is consumed by all." That sounds to me to be little different from kosher or halal butchery, and anyone who isn't a vegetarian is in no position to condemn the morality of it, from my atheistic, pro-animal rights perspective.

So, how to tell your parents you've become something they probably can't, and don't want to, distinguish from a Satanist on ecclesiastical grounds, and which probably pushes buttons on racial grounds? Rough question.

This is what it comes down to, IMO: No-one else can decide for you, all we can do is present questions for your consideration in coming to the decision. Must you tell them? If you tell them, and they make you choose Santeria or them, which do you choose? How likely is it that, if you did not tell them, they would find out? Do you consider yourself obliged, by religion or familial loyalty, to tell them? How important is it to you that you not appear to practice the family religion? How important is it to you that you continue to associate with your family? How important is it to you that you continue to practice Santeria?
posted by aeschenkarnos at 9:54 PM on May 12, 2008 [6 favorites]

I would love to tell my parents and have them share in my happiness.

Based on what you wrote in your post, I think you know that this is not the likely outcome. So, you should be honest with yourself and discover why you want to tell them now, and if the risk of losing their regard is worth having them informed. I may be very far off base, but it seems that this is a way for you to assert your independence from your parents (the telling them about it, not necessarily your conversion). Will it change your life for the better if they know? Do you care if it changes their life for the worse?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:54 PM on May 12, 2008

Santeria has existed as long as it has by living quietly under a nominal Catholic front. Wikipedia, not that it is an authority on your religion, says "the vast majority of santeros in Cuba today also consider themselves to be Catholics, have been baptized, and often require initiates to be baptized." Wouldn't it be in keeping with the tradition to keep it on the down low and just tell your folks you believe in patron saints?
posted by BinGregory at 11:10 PM on May 12, 2008

How did you handle it when you told your parents you had different religious beliefs then they did?

When I became Muslim, I put jewish Mom and catholic Dad at ease by explaining to them all the values and beliefs we shared and would continue to share. You highlight the things you agree on. You don't criticize the things you disagree on. You demonstrate through your daily life that your beliefs are making you a better person than you were before. If Santeria has a tradition of filial piety, make that a cornerstone of your practice. Honor your mother and father like you never have before. Above all, DON'T FIGHT and don't walk out. If they don't approve, swallow it and keep showering them with devotion. If your new religion is a positive thing in your life, and your parents can see that, they'll come around eventually.
posted by BinGregory at 11:23 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Also, if worse comes to worse and you are rejected and shunned, produce grandchildren. This is very very effective.
posted by BinGregory at 11:26 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Also, if worse comes to worse and you are rejected and shunned, produce grandchildren. This is very very effective.

Yeah... effective at producing a new "How do I stop my parents interfering in my children's religious upbringing" AskMe in a few years time.

(I say that not to snark, but as a product of a very minor version of such an upbringing. Thankfully, my grandparents were assuaged by sending me to any Sunday School, not specifically their own religion, and by the time I outgrew that I'd figured a few things out for myself - but I know of the pain their initial interference caused my parents.)
posted by Pinback at 12:38 AM on May 13, 2008

Inspector.Gadget, your reply was irrelevant to the question.

To the OP: My advice is not to drop a sudden bomb. Think back to your process of moving from your mom's religion to Santeria.

Surely, you didn't go to bed as as part of Mom's religion, and wake up as a Santerian. There was a path, and it had many steps. The path began, like you said, when you didn't find comfort in Mom's religion. The next step was probably that you started researching other religions. Or maybe you went to religious services with a friend.

So that's how you tell your parents, step by step.

"Mom, have you ever had mixed feelings about our/your religion? I'm having problems X, Y, and Z in my life and I just don't feel like it addresses those."

Next conversation: "Mom, do you remember my friend Jessica? The other day I went with her to a Santeria service. Have you ever been to one?"

Next conversation: "I went to another Santeria service the other day. I found out X, Y, and Z about Santeria that I never knew before."

And so forth.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:06 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was raised Catholic, but with a fairly liberal take on the whole thing (mum's still Church of England so there's a fair amount of joshing about papists in the household etc). I never really believed in god, but week after week in church had given me enough fear in the potential of some big guy being unhappy with me to keep me from going public.

I spent two years in Japan which killed off any spark of belief. When I returned to the UK I told my parents that I just didn't believe. They were watching TV. I came in, sat down and watched TV with them for a few minutes - no idea what was on. I then just said 'Can I talk to you guys about something?'

I think they thought I was going to say I was gay/massively in debt/had a criminal record/my lady-friend was pregnant. When I told them that I didn't believe in god they were confused, but glad that I wanted to keep them informed about my spiritual life. My dad's a bit more devout than my mum, and he seemed a little upset, with an automatic response of "Well, maybe you don't know what you believe" which quickly modified to "Perhaps you'll find out if you believe when you're truly tested." And then to "Whatever is right for you". This was all achieved in about one minute - it sort of reminded me of the scene in The Simpsons where Homer learns he's going to die and hurtles through the five stages of shock/anger/denial/fear/acceptance. I'm very lucky with my parents.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you. Be honest? Lie? How important is it to you that she knows? Religion's a funny thing. If your relationship with your mother is excellent in most other areas, but this will really damage things between you, is it worth communicating?

You say that you changed religions because your previous ones 'weren't helping' you. How did you settle on Santeria? If you're interested in a religious belief that 'helps' you, perhaps consider how much that help is worth in contrast to the advantages of a good relationship with your mother.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 3:11 AM on May 13, 2008

religion is a personal thing. It isn't any of their business and I don't know why you would make it so when you know, however irrational it might be, that is will cause them unhappiness.

You're happy. That's grand. No need to make other people along the way unhappy just so you can be more happy.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:44 AM on May 13, 2008

I'm with the "they don't need to know" camp.

My parents, and most of my family, are Christians. I grew up going to church and also went to a Christian grade school. I did believe in what I was taught up until my late teens, but at 17 or so I began a ten or twelve-year process of shedding all my religious beliefs. I'm an agnostic now. I've never said so, though it's on my Facebook page and the half dozen or so of my family members who are connected with me on their would have seen it. If I were asked about it I'd tell the truth, or discuss it with them if they wished, but otherwise I'm satisfied to just think the way I think.

This situation seems to me to be a microcosm of why religion causes so many problems in the world. It's so often not enough for people to just practice their religious beliefs and be happy in them. They want other people to know about it and to understand and uphold them in it. So my advice to you is to let that need/desire go and just live your life as you think best without trying to manage other peoples' perception of or feelings towards you.
posted by orange swan at 5:20 AM on May 13, 2008

One good way to learn about the religions of the African diaspora is to netflix Ile Aiye, a documentary about the Afro-Brazilian religion Candomblé that shares a lot with Santeria.

It's directed by David Byrne, which makes it artier and more vibrant than a conventional documentary (and also gives scholars things to quibble about regarding it). All and all, however, I think it does a good job at working against the demonization of the religious practice.

I've observed several candomblé festas, and found them powerfully beautiful, and not ridiculous in the least.
posted by umbú at 6:07 AM on May 13, 2008

Say "hands up who's a Christian"

Dont put your hand up.

Not being silly, thats precisely how I'd do it.
posted by daveyt at 6:40 AM on May 13, 2008

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Basically you are afraid of being rejected. It is really hard for them to do that if they love you. Sounds like there's a lot of other religions in the mix anyway.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:58 AM on May 13, 2008

The thing is, daveyt, your technique wouldn't work in this case, since many (most?) practitioners consider themselves to be both Catholic and members of Santeria/Candomblé/Haitian Vodou.
posted by umbú at 9:12 AM on May 13, 2008