Coming to terms with a long-term parental rejection

August 10, 2007 7:00 PM

How to get over/deal with/move on from parental rejection? [LONG!]

My parents divorced when my mother was pregnant with me, mostly BECAUSE she was pregnant with me. My biological father didn't want a baby at the time -- he gave my mother an ultimatum: me or the baby. My mother chose me, they divorced, she moved in with her parents, I was born. I've never had any contact with my father.

Financially, I've had a comfortable life. I've been loved by my mother's family, although I've never really had a father figure. I grew up knowing the truth for the most part; when I was 18 my mother sat me down and told me the full story, gave me my father's name and said I should feel free to find him if I ever needed to. But that he "didn't deserve" me.

Essentially, she said, he was a nice guy, but vain and lacking in a spine. When they were married they were youngish, free, wealthy and he didn't want a baby "messing all that up". My mother knows through fractured contact with my father's sister that he has remarried, and has two children of his own. Neither the wife nor the children know about me.

My entire life I never thought this was a big deal. I figured if he couldn't be bothered to contact me that he wasn't worth my while. I thought family is what you make it and genes are genes.

Intellectually I still believe that, but emotionally... it's a different story. Now I'm in my late 20s I'm only beginning to realise how much it has been rankling me all this time. The fact that he has this whole "other family" (whom presumably he accepts!) and also that he's never tried to get in touch -- I really haven't been that hard to find -- all makes me feel like a dirty little secret. Intellectually, again, I know he's just a vain and selfish man, but emotionally...

I'm well educated, I have a good job, I have a loving boyfriend and a circle of some really great friends. But I've always been very good at keeping people at a distance (for the most part, without them knowing), I'm constantly dogged by self doubt and the fear in the back of my mind that those who love me will "come to their senses", "see me for what I am" and leave.

I have some serious self esteem issues, and some powerful self destructive habits. I'm in therapy. I just want to get over this - or accept it and deal with it, move on. I have the potential to have a fulfilling life, if I could just get rid of this insane secret jealousy of anyone whose father does the smallest thing -- gives them a ride to the station, whatever. And this feeling that pervades everything that I am, somehow, deep down "wrong" or "bad".

I feel really stupid posting this, as there are so many people out there who are self possessed and positive, who may have been abandoned or rejected as a child. But perhaps you're the very people that I need to answer this.

How do I get over this and move on? I know what I *think* but how do I change how I *feel*?

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

I think you just took your first step by admitting to yourself and to the metafilter community that you are hurting. It is not your fault: keep that in mind.
posted by francesca too at 7:13 PM on August 10, 2007

I feel for you. Rejection hurts, no matter how much of an idiot/jerk/narcissist the rejector is. It feels personal, and it hurts on a visceral level even though you can rationalize it intellectually. I think you're already on the right path to overcoming it by recognizing it. You mentioned that you're already in therapy, so I would encourage you to continue with that and bring up these issues with your therapist, who can give you some guidance on how to proceed in an emotionally healthy way. Best wishes.
posted by amyms at 7:20 PM on August 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I know this may not be the best answer, but have you tried contacting him? It could be that after years of growing and hopefully maturing, along with having a family of his own, he's come to realize that he made a huge mistake.

The realization of this mistake, however, may not mean that he is still capable of taking the steps to get in touch with you, especially if he may have to go through your mom, or wonders what type of reception he may get from you if he tried to contact you. Doesn't mean that this is right--I think we would all hope he would have the guts to step up and take the steps to reach out to you rather than the other way around.

If you have tried to reach him and that didn't work, or feel that trying to reach him is out of the question, sometimes it helps to write out all of your feelings in a letter (although I realize it is a poor substitute). And above all, know it is not your fault.
posted by Ham_On_Rye at 7:25 PM on August 10, 2007

He didn't reject YOU.

He rejected the theoretical idea of a generic baby.

As stupid and foolish and wrongheaded as your father was, he never knew YOU.
posted by konolia at 7:32 PM on August 10, 2007 [19 favorites]

That's a great point, konolia.
posted by amyms at 7:35 PM on August 10, 2007

Parental stuff is hard, to say the least, in a most colloquial way. You're doing a good thing by exploring it in therapy, but therapy can also cause you to focus on this one thing as a filter of other things in your life, so keep that in mind.

My experience tells me that rejection stuff comes up over and over, and sometimes it's fine, falls in line with other problems like having to end a friendship or get your finances together. Sometimes it rules you; there's no reason to allow this forever, though.

For me, working with the idea that I may never be fully over it has actually helped a lot.
posted by Riverine at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2007

I have to agree with konolia. You, Anon, can naturally only conceive of yourself as yourself -- in your mind, you have always been you, so of course it feels like your biological father walked away from you: your eyes and smile and laugh, your first steps, your first day of school, your first bike, your prom, your graduation, etc. But he knows nothing of that -- he never even saw the fetus that would turn out to be you on an ultrasound, much less ever saw the baby that came into the world, never mind seeing the grown woman who has a life of her own.

To him, there was no you to reject. He walked away from an abstract, potential baby-in-theory -- male or female, tall or short, introvert or extrovert, blue-eyed or brown. He didn't reject you; he rejected his own fatherhood. In the most essential (though seemingly paradoxical) way, it had nothing to do with you, even though the potential baby-in-theory happened to turn out to be you.
posted by scody at 7:48 PM on August 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

It sounds like your whole life, you've really tried to put the best possible spin on it, that you don't "need" him, and you have a family who loves you even if he's not around. That's fantastic, and it's a healthy attitude, but it sounds like you've never let yourself admit that you really feel angry, hurt and rejected by it.

Sometimes you just need to admit that your situation actually DOES suck (and believe me, it does), you're not a big baby to feel hurt by it, and that is actually has impacted on your life and self esteem. So in other words, what you're going through (jealousy, resentment etc) sounds pretty normal. In a similar situation, I pretty much suppressed everything I was feeling for years, and it was very liberating to realise that I was angry. You may find as well as being angry at your dad, you're angry at your mum/other family for letting the situation happen. You might find you're angry at yourself for not making it clear how much it hurt. Pretty much any emotion is "normal" in your situation, I think...

Thirding the others— it seems like the therapy is a good thing. Don't ignore your emotions. You will work through them in time, and eventually you will come to terms with the emotional damage that has been done, and reach a realisation that you feel ready to find him and tell him all of this, or the opposite, you'll realise you don't want contact with him at all. Either way, you're going to work that out for yourself... it'll just take time and a willingness to express all the emotions you have about the situation, before you'll feel better.

The only advice I can offer is to let yourself feel what you're feeling, even if you feel like a bit of a drama queen. You're not. And as Ham On Rye says, your dad may be scared to contact you because he's left it so long. He's probably felt really guilty about it for years and now is scared that you're hurt/rejected and won't want anything to do with him. His fear of rejection does not excuse him, but just bear it in mind... have you had anything to do with his sister? Could you perhaps have a chat with her and see what she thinks?

Good luck...
posted by indienial at 7:52 PM on August 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

I wonder if resources for adopted people would be of use to you. Adopted people can go through similar feelings of rejection and abandonment when processing feelings associated with a parent giving up the chance to raise them.
posted by xo at 8:12 PM on August 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is exactly the kind of thing a therapist should be able to help you with. If you don't feel like your therapist is helping, consider changing to a new one. There has to be a certain match between therapist and client - if the chemistry doesn't work, even if he/she is a good therapist in general, you're not going to make as much progress.
posted by metahawk at 10:10 PM on August 10, 2007

One day, my uncle asked my grandfather why he and my grandmother had waited so long to have children--they were both in their late twenties when their oldest child was born, and that was unusual for the time. And that is when my grandfather admitted that he had two other children and a first wife that he never told anyone about.

He abandoned them. He left their mother for my grandmother. And this ate him and my grandmother up for their entire lives. Their entire lives. My grandfather cut off all contact with his relatives, so that no one in my family even knew of his brothers and sisters, his parents, aunts and uncles. Until this revelation, he had been so distant from anyone he had known in his past life that my mother and her siblings never even thought to ask why they never met any relatives on his side.

My grandfather had his faults, but he was not really a bad man. He did something over fifty years ago, out of frustration and love, that caused a lot of pain to two young children who deserved a father. I don't know his motivations. Heck, I never even discussed this situation with him, himself. But it's not that hard to imagine being in his shoes, having a horrible decision to make, and then, for lack of a better term, flaking out. Succumbing to the human weaknesses that are in us all, and failing to live up to the ideals expected of him.

It is not my place to excuse my grandfather, exonerate him, or forgive him. I can only understand the situation to the best of my ability and see how it fits into my personal history. It is the story of a flawed human being, much like many other people, much like my own biological father, much like your father.

You have right to be angry, to be upset, to feel abandoned. I know that my grandfather's first two children were angry with him for an extremely long time, as well. All of you are justified in your emotions. But, you want to be able to get over those emotions. You describe wishing you could learn how to let it go. Very likely, that involves just understanding that your father was a flawed being. He did something stupid. He made a mistake, or he did not understand what was right, or he was just blind to what pain he would bring. Understand the narrative behind your father's actions--if that involves seeking him out and asking him for yourself, so be it. Ask him. See how he tries to explain what he did. See how he is not The Father Who Was Meant To Be but, instead, just another one of us stupid humans groping our way through the very difficult thing called life.

That's all he is, another one of us stupid humans. He did the best he could, and it turned out not to be very good. He may not deserve to be forgiven (that's something only you can decide), but he at least can be understood.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:29 PM on August 10, 2007 [7 favorites]

Oh dear! I fear that your father will have justified his actions in his own mind and buried the treachery to your mother along with your existence. If he has not told his current wife and children that he has another child, abandoned before birth!, he may be very unwilling to have that sorry chapter revealed now.
Be sure you are emotionally stable before you risk contact.
posted by Cranberry at 11:44 PM on August 10, 2007

Your parents (or lack thereof) do not define who you are.

There are so many wise and wonderful comments in this thread.

I know absolutely nothing about my father, not even a name. My mother died when I was 4, without informing anyone who my father was, as far as I know.
I used to fantasise that one day he would see me in the street & recognising a striking resembelence, he would approach me, and explain the noble justification he had to not be part of my life. I also used to fantasise that my mother had to fake her death for some magical mysterious reason and that one day she would return.
Every now and then I do wonder if I have half-siblings or other relatives wandering around. I used to resent that perhaps some man is out there who should have taken responsibility for his role in creating me. Mostly, I just don't care anymore.
I have no way of ever knowing exactly what transpired between my parents in 1971. For whatever reason, my father wasn't able to deal with the consequences of his actions, and that had nothing to do with who I am. I hope his life was/is good and that he has good genetics that won't one day give me a surprise.

I don't know what more you can do on top of what you are already doing. Keep up with the therapy, and as others have said, don't be afraid to just go with your feelings, whatever they may be. Perhaps look at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for the fear, self-doubt, self-esteem issues? Also grief counselling - you've had a huge bereavement in your life, even though your father is still alive, you still need to grieve over your loss of him.

Best of luck to you, do feel free to email me if you care to.
posted by goshling at 5:51 AM on August 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Parental rejection is probably not your problem. You've lived a blessed life that is in no way comparable to those children whose parents literally and figuratively abandoned them. By your own admission, you've been cared for and protected, you've never wanted for anything and you've never had to grow up too quickly to deal with situations that should have been dealt with by an adult. So you might start by putting a bit of perspective on the problem and admitting that you have not been "abandoned."

What your feeling may be a kind of regret. At this stage in your life you're beginning to look back on the past more closely and wonder about your decisions and life events as you prepare to make the big leap into your thirties. And so having never known your father you feel as if you have been denied a tremendous opportunity, that you have missed out on the "wonder" of having had a real father and this "lack" has seriously diminished you in some capacity. This probably contributes a great deal to your feelings of being a freak/not normal because, in an important way, you are not normal though your situation is hardly unique.

This feeling is just a kind of "the grass is always greener" thing but that doesn't mean it's not serious. I might liken your situation to child abuse. Somewhat like you, the victims of child abuse tend feel very abnormal, awkward and isolated. They feel "stained" and they are certain that they possess some special, horrible secret that completely separates them from everybody else. And, similarly, what makes so many of them so angry isn't the abuse per se but this feeling that they have missed some special event that everybody else was at and so they are now "damaged" in some way.

There are various strategies for dealing with such feelings but if you really want to overcome them then you will have to transform what seems like a tragedy into an opportunity. The victims of child abuse who thrive do so not because they magically "forget" their past but because they accept it as something that has, in the end, made them stronger. The past is the past and cannot be changed but if you can learn something important from it and appreciate it for what it is -- as a kind of truth -- then the feelings of regret, shame and longing for what might have been can be transmuted into feelings of gratitude, pride and contentment. Ultimately absolutely nobody's life is a bed of roses but somehow gardens still happen.
posted by nixerman at 7:25 AM on August 11, 2007

You've lived a blessed life ... By your own admission, you've been cared for and protected, you've never wanted for anything and you've never had to grow up too quickly to deal with situations that should have been dealt with by an adult. So you might start by putting a bit of perspective on the problem and admitting that you have not been "abandoned."

In all fairness, we don't know this, the OP only said he or she was loved by the mom's family and FINANCIALLY okay growing up.

My advice echoes Amyms, Melissa Too and Indienial's - sounds like you already know rationally that his decision was nothing to do with you, and that you're trying to deal with your feelings. Personally, I'd be hopping mad and very unwilling to make contact with him. But I think exploring your feelings (you come across as hurt and angry, understandably, but perhaps you don't realize this yet?) in therapy and on paper might help.

Good luck!
posted by unmusic at 8:02 AM on August 11, 2007

Damn: Francesca Too, not Melissa, sorry.
posted by unmusic at 8:03 AM on August 11, 2007

Similar situation; email in profile if you want to discuss
posted by zia at 9:33 AM on August 11, 2007

thank you for sharing your pain. i, too, experienced a similar path (my father left within days of my conception, i'm the youngest of five kids). i'm going to strike a different tone and suggest that you don't make an effort to contact your father. instead, put the energy into making your life, and your connections with lovers and friends that much stronger. Make for yourself what your father, for whatever reason (and don't stop to speculate, just give them a neutral value), wasn't able to provide for you.

I am constantly pressured by my siblings to visit with my father and it causes me nothing but high anxiety and serves only to make me feel angry and awful. I've heard comments from people in his community (doesn't help my father is a prominent fixture in his village) such as "Oh! I didn't know he had a son." and crap like that. Or when his friends meet me, I get grilled without mercy about who I am and my life story. It doesn't help that I somewhat physically resemble and speak like my father and while not as brilliant as he is, I share many of the gifted attributes people like him have. Since he denies his past (a scheme advanced by his current wife to an extreme), it puts me in a position of having to constantly guard what I say about my life and my history. In the end, it leaves me, as one who is normally outgoing and vivacious, to be reticent, quiet and unassuming.

I never opted for therapy, and that is probably my loss. But then again, I feel that I was able to make a good life for myself on my own terms, and being in charge of my own direction in life was therapy enough. I also try my best to deconstruct my perceptions of my father, insofar as simply understanding that I can never comprehend his needs or desire to choose career and wealth over his responsibilities as a father. That's his 'cross to bear' and certainly not mine.

I would have preferred to never see him or hear from him, since he obviously made a choice decades ago not to be a father. I feel (privately, as i can't share with my siblings) nothing gained from these forced encounters with him, although I do admit there are glimmers of coolness when i recognize something in me that must have come from his side or his genes. These glimmers aren't enough to build upon or celebrate further, as they get washed away in minutes by the sober reality that there truly is no parental connection between us (I tend to think of him and his wife as fucked up wacky relatives, like a distant aunt and uncle).
posted by kuppajava at 10:26 AM on August 11, 2007

Wow, well good for you for being so far along in coming to terms with such a hard thing and figuring out how it's affected you.

You've probably done this or considered it, but I'm a big fan of the "write a letter and then don't send it" method as a way of examining feelings and encouraging them to shift.
posted by salvia at 12:32 AM on August 12, 2007 [1 favorite]