Why can't I date?

May 13, 2008 8:59 AM

How do I develop a thick enough skin to date?

Simply put, I am obsessed with meeting "the one."

In early February, I ended a 2+ year relationship with someone I tirelessly tried to groom into the man I was looking for. Lesson learned.

So now, I am faced with dating, which I completely suck at.

A guy with great potential recently exhibited an interest in me. I was really excited to get to know him better, but it has become clear he's not *that* interested. He likes me, but he's just not interested in anything serious. Needless to say, I am completely devastated.

How do I get over this MUST-FIND-SOUL MATE yearning I have in order to date successfully?

How do I develop a thick enough skin to realize that just because a guy wants to take it slow and doesn't adore me from our very first date, it's not necessarily a full-on rejection? I fall easily and fall hard. Why can't everyone else?

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

wow, I am a guy and I often find myself in your same shoes...I am very picky and I often think I have the need to find "the-one" and most times if I dont have an immediate connection with someone, I let it go but lately I have been thinking about this situation myself. From reading your post this is what I gather:

a) You broke up in February (so did I by the way) and it hasnt been long enough for you to completely forget about your previous partner (even though he clearly wasnt the guy you wanted for yourself). Make sure that since then you've sat down and clearly delineated what you think are the qualities of the guy you are looking to be. Now that you have this downpat, realize that people are not cartoons and cannot be perfect, take out all the "it would be nice if this person had this" (this guy has to be blonde) and only focus on the "must have" (such as no kids, be in shape whatever is important to you)

b) Realize that even after you met those people with all the "must-haves" you have defined, there is the possibility those people are not interested in you or that even if they are the sparks are just not there....you cant force this stuff.....

c) Once you have a list that is not so out there you'll have greater choices for which to choose from and you'll know exactly why or why not your relationships failed....


I am in the process of doing that list myself...however, it takes a lot of knowledge about yourself to know what you really want or should expect from others.
posted by The1andonly at 9:10 AM on May 13

Oh yeah and to answer the exact question (sorry!), once you know yourself you will realize that not everything should go at fast-break speed, if the conditions are there, they dont need to ask you to marry them after 3 weeks, because you will be busy evaluating them and you dont know if they have those same qualities you are looking for....so you take your time as well..until you realize they have them.
posted by The1andonly at 9:13 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

It takes a lot of developing your own personality to be able to handle this. It takes being so comfortable with yourself that you can deal with someone being only interested with you on an intellectual or friendship level. It takes getting to the point where someone can break up with you and you con be assured that yes, you are still awesome. It often also take a decent amount of masturbation.

That being said, how do you get to this point? Accept that many, many first dates will be lousy or just a missed connection. Accept that there is no real rush to settle with one person. Try affirmations. Go out with friends more often (or hell, by yourself even). Pick up a hobby that is just FOR YOU. All of these steps will help develop you into a stronger person that 1) will be more okay with going on first dates that don't result in meeting THE ONE and 2)will be a more interesting first date. And standard disclaimer, YMMV.
posted by piratebowling at 9:13 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

You sound young. These things tend to come with age and experience.

Stop seeing men as pieces of property that you can "invest" in or "groom" or that have "potential" and try getting to know them as fellow human beings who have hopes, fears, and desires. Once you do that you'll find that you can appreciate them for companionship rather than some bizarre investment property which you expect to pay dividends on later.
posted by wfrgms at 9:15 AM on May 13 [16 favorites]

I can completely sympathize ! I was in your exact same situation a few months ago (actually for the last 1.5 years).Then I fell hard for someone, we hooked up, he broke me heart. But what he did teach me is that similar to that saying that when two people meet, there are actually six people interacting: the person each thinks they are, the person the other thinks they are, and the person each truly is. You just have to get to know somebody well enough and long enough to get to the truth of who they are and that doesn't happen when you fall headlong into love (honestly, I am one of the most idealistic romantic people I know but this is still true...you have a duty to protect yourself and your heart until you know for certain that someone deserves it)

I don't know how to get over the "must-find-soul-mate" compulsion, but taking time to get to know someone and staying detached will at least help you not feel so devastated when things don't work out. I think this will also help you stay detached and figure out what you want and whether this person can give it to you.
posted by Eudaimonia at 9:20 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

God, I feel like I should issue the disclaimer that I'm not paid for this, but -- this is the second time today I've recommended the book If The Buddha Dated. It's very different from all other dating books that I've read, and was somehow both frank and comforting.

You've realized that trying to "mold" a guy was a mistake; that's a big step. But you were with the guy for over 2 years, and it's only been 3 months since you broke up. You may simply need more healing alone time right now, and you may not be ready TO date. It once took me two YEARS to recover from a relationship to the point that I felt I could date again -- 3 months is NOWHERE near enough time.

Not that I"m saying you should be a nun or anything. But THAT may have more to do with why you're "falling so hard" for people -- it's just really, really soon after you ended a relationship. And being aware that that may be what's going on can help keep you on an even keel.

I mean, okay, yes, it happens that the person you meet a couple months after you break up with someone also ends up being someone you want to get serious with; I met my current SO only 2 months after his live-in girlfriend moved out -- and we've been together 7 months now ourselves. But that has happened thanks to us BOTH being very, very conscious of how much of what each of us felt was "fallout from past relationships" versus "what's going on with us now," and thanks to a LOT of communication. And in order to be able to communicate to your partner that "this isn't about you, I just have some ex-boyfriend baggage, lemme go be by myself tonight and deal with it", you have to learn how to recognize that in yourself first. You may want to spend time just hanging out with friends for a while for socialization, and sorting through your breakup fallout right now, just for a little while.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:26 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

A guy with great potential recently exhibited an interest in me.

People are not projects. Do you want people to see you for who you are or for who they want you to be?

..or what wfrgms said.
posted by JaredSeth at 9:36 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

I don't think you need a thicker skin so much as you need to be more sensitive to the fact that all people, including men, are dynamic, complicated, interesting people that you should get to know on an individual basis. Deciding that someone is "the one" and then grooming them to be the person you want is pretty damn unfair to anyone you're forcing that scenario on. slow down, learn to appreciate spending time and really getting to know people, and learn to appreciate them for who they are.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:37 AM on May 13

Try to think of dating as A) a worthwhile venture in its own right, not just as a necessary prelude to couple-hood; B) an experiment where you find what traits you like/dislike in a number of different guys; C) fun. Don't get too emotionally invested in any one date—try to enjoy the date just as a date. Date widely.

There will be good dates and there will be dates so awful they make storytelling fodder for years to come. There will be promising guys who fall off the face of the earth. Get back in the saddle and face forward.
posted by adamrice at 9:56 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

Keep in mind that the guy who doesn't seem like "the one" from the first date might end up being that one. And vice versa. Don't have a list of "must-haves," better to have a (short) list of deal-breakers, and then just see what works for you. For example, I never thought I'd fall for an athletic, super masculine sort who is really into beer and golf. Those were all big turn-offs before I met my current S.O. If he had listed nerdy, artsy, cinephile girls on his no-no list then we would never have dated. And we're having a great time together, as polar opposites.

Which is all to say-- give everyone who intrigues you a chance, and hope they give you a chance. If they dismiss you really quickly, they are probably just sticking too closely to some arbitrary list in their head and not allowing themselves the time to figure you out in order to really judge whether you're right for them. Remind yourself that it's not a rejection of you, it's just them sticking to what they THINK they want, based on their past experiences. Their loss. Don't make it yours by making the same mistake when meeting possible "Mr. Rights."
posted by np312 at 10:00 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

A guy with great potential...

Lesson not learned.
posted by rhizome at 10:22 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

I had a very clearly articulated, multi-page list when I entered college at 19. By the time I started dating my partner several years ago, my list had been winnowed down to a few things I knew were vital because honestly, in ten-ish years of dating, I've met really wonderful guys with all sorts of different qualities that made them special - and if I, for example, had stuck to some of my bullet points (such as "buffer than I am", "goes to the same church that I do", "have an IQ over 120", and "is at least 5'10") I would have never given them a chance.

I'm now with a really unique guy who my nineteen year-old self wouldn't have given a second chance, and I've never been happier. Being honest with yourself about what is really important to you is vital. I'm not suggesting you compromise your high standards (high standards are really good! Keep 'em!) just that you think carefully about what you're looking for.

As well as I can remember (I never wrote it down) this was my list, in descending order of importance:

Sense of humor
Creative
Passionate about something
Flexible (able to compromise)

Everything else is just gravy.
posted by arnicae at 10:29 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

A guy with great potential recently exhibited an interest in me. I was really excited to get to know him better, but it has become clear he's not *that* interested. He likes me, but he's just not interested in anything serious.

has this guy said anything? I wouldn't rely on your judgment of what is going on. Did something in you tell you that this might have some potential? That might be the voice to listen to.

You are a human being. You have the built-in equipment to get through all sorts of tough things. I think it is wise to trust the first voice you hear. Usually, you haven't thrown up your defenses yet at that point and you have no filter that tries to stop everything. So if your heart said--potential! you might have all the ingredients.

Plus, don't personalize this guy's slowness. Usually if someone continues to show interest in you, it means they are interested. But some people are just naturally slower, and others have learned, through the very experiences that you are having, that they need to trust a voice that says go slow with this one. That has nothing to do with you, how attractive you are or anything like that.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:31 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How do I get over this MUST-FIND-SOUL MATE yearning I have in order to date successfully?

Don't. What does "date successfully" mean? That you spend a bunch of time engaged in innocuous relationships with no future? For myself, anyway, I always figured I just wasn't wired that way (absolutely nothing wrong with casual dating if it's something you actually want, of course). Sure, it involved a few embarrassing moments and hard landings. Maybe settling would have saved me some pain in the short run: it often does.
posted by nanojath at 11:10 AM on May 13

There are a lot of levels to this problem.

One, which I won't dwell on, is related to being comfortable with who you are. Comfortable enough that you like who you are and don't need someone else's confirmation.

But, I would like to offer a solution from another angle: Look at the process of meeting new guys like panning for gold. You are just prospecting; looking for a nugget. You will know it when you see it, and it might be soon or it might take a while. Whether you find one soon is not so much a reflection on you as it is a reflection on the quality of the ore you are working with.

You fine just as you are. You will know it when you meet that someone who is worthy.
posted by gnossos at 11:35 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How do I develop a thick enough skin to realize that just because a guy wants to take it slow and doesn't adore me from our very first date, it's not necessarily a full-on rejection?

Date people you're not totally gaga over, and don't get serious about it. That may sound weird, but think of this question:

"I keep trying to play this one really difficult piano concerto, but my fingers just can't play the notes fast enough! How do I get myself to not worry so much about not being able to play those notes quickly?"

Just as in that question, your situation has SEVERAL problems, and they're largely about how you're viewing the situation. Primarily, you're trying to fall in love, which is essentially like trying to catch a cold. It'll happen whether you want it to or not, so there's no reason to try so hard. It's not a lottery, you don't have to just keep plugging away till you strike it rich. Just date like it doesn't matter, because it really doesn't.

On the other hand, you're trying really hard to accomplish something which is really difficult: find the person who'll make you happy for the rest of your life. That doesn't happen by going head over heels for just any schmuck who asks you out. Much like the piano player, you're trying to accomplish something that requires maturity and knowledge (in this case, knowledge of yourself) without first acquiring that maturity and knowledge. And please understand, I'm not telling you that you're immature, or assuming that i can tell how well you know yourself. But if your first instinct when dating is to fall for everyone you date, there's a personal issue behind it you haven't dealt with. And if you keep doing things the way you're doing them, what you'll wind up with is the wrong guy. guaranteed. because people who are desperate for love end up with people who like to take advantage of desperation. you'll happily ignore all of the wrong guy's faults, and he'll happily let you do it.

Since I'm not your therapist, I can't tell you who you are or what you need to deal with personally, so I'll have to resort to my earlier advice simply for its practical value: Date people you're not totally head over heels interested in, and don't get serious about it. Consider it piano practice. If you can't play chopsticks, you can't play rachmaninov, either. If some guy who doesn't seem completely creepy asks you on a date and you're in the mood for one, go for it, but just think of it as a fun night out. Don't try to impress the guy, and don't immediately assume he's a great guy. Dates are a chance for people to get to know one another, which means in some way proving themselves to one another. It's his job to win you over, you don't have to do the work for him. You don't have to do anything with them, you don't have to even enjoy yourself (though obviously that's the goal.)

The only way to stop thinking of every date as a potential lifelong romance is to go on some dates that don't mean much to you. That doesn't mean to go on bad dates, it just means to go on dates for fun more than anything else. Have a nice dinner and some hopefully nice conversation and let that be enough, because if it's the romance of a lifetime it'll happen from a date that is pretty much just nice conversation and a nice dinner, anyway.
posted by shmegegge at 12:12 PM on May 13 [6 favorites]

Once you do that you'll find that you can appreciate them for companionship rather than some bizarre investment property which you expect to pay dividends on later.

There is some truth to this, but there is also truth in your desire to find a life-long companion. Some people date because they want to get married and have kids. There is nothing wrong with that. At the same time, you have to get to know someone before you decide if they have that potential.

Try to set a time limit and/or significant event. Before this time limit/event, you will relax and get to know them WITH NO PRESSURE on yourself or them. After this time limit, you can start thinking about their life partner potential. You have to pick a limit that works for you. It should be somewhere between "I don't know anything about this guy" and "I would be seriously hurt if we were to break up now".

For me, I couldn't start to consider someone as a partner until I met their family a few times and got to know them and their dynamic. Family is very important to me, and it's hard to tell how someone will approach marriage until you see how their parents interact (does his father treat his mother with respect?) and how your partner feels about their marriage (does he think it's brilliant that his father never cooks or helps with the house, or does he think it's lame?)

Another example, I have a friend who starts thinking long-term at the three-month mark.

Again, try to pick something that's comfortable to you.

Good luck!
posted by sondrialiac at 12:18 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Well, it might help to think of relationships not as, "Who's right for me" but "What can I offer him?"

It takes your focus away from evaluating someone as "Him/Not Him" and puts you into a more proactive position as far as acceptance/rejection is concerned. I mean, surely, after the first date, you haven't shown him all your attractive qualities. He doesn't know that you make a most excellent chicken asparagus stir-fry or you can give a really good deep-tissue massage. He may not immediately pounce on you, but hey, you've got plenty of tricks left. It's a big sleeve.
posted by reebear at 12:24 PM on May 13

(People, there is nothing wrong with saying that a person "had potential." Maybe it's because I have spent a few years in the nearly-mercenary world of online dating, but dating is all about figuring out if the other person has potential -- the potential to be someone you fall in love with, and who falls in love with you.)

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find the person you will spend the rest of your life with, so try not to beat yourself up over that. That said, try not to invest too much in a date. It's just one night, and just one person. If you go in there thinking nothing but, "OMG I have to find The One! Is he going to be the one? Maybe he can be!" you will end up trying to make a relationship work with someone who isn't right for you. And that's ultimately not fair for either of you. You have already learned the valuable lesson that you can't make a man become someone else, so you're halfway there.

... and basically, what shmegegge said. (and on preview, sondrialiac!)
posted by chowflap at 12:33 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How would you feel if you accidentally saw an email, or overheard a conversation about yourself, where the guy in question said you had potential? And that he was trying to make you into "wife material"?

It would hurt you terribly and make you constantly question who you are.

You cannot change people, only yourself.

You have your whole life to meet The One. There will be several. Maybe many!

You will fall in love harder than you ever thought possible when he surfaces. And it might take a while, so don't rush things.

You will know he's the right one when you recognize that for all his faults and quirks, you really wouldn't change a thing (that's not superficial, like contacts, or a haircut).

Realize that settling isn't going to make you happy. If you are being pursued less than enthusiastically by a guy, he's not the one (timing-wise, or person-wise).

You deserve true happiness. This is not a race with your peers. Your eggs will not dry up at 26, or whatever magical age you think is the right age to get engaged, then married, then have babies.

Even if your entire group of friends gets married and you're the last one single... don't you deserve to be truly happy? I realize you are missing being in love now, and want to feel that feeling again NOW.

You can't force it, though. My friend Marion wanted to marry every boyfriend she had for seven years. They were all jerks. When she finally found the right guy, they married, and now she has a perfect baby boy. And she didn't get married until she was 35.

He's devastatingly handsome, has a great career, and is a loving father. She would have not been nearly as happy with the self-obsessed hairdresser, the stoner programmer, or the bisexual musician. Even though at the time, she just REALLY WANTED TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY OMG.

You can't force what isn't natural, and you can't decorate a cake before it's out of the oven. Relax and work on yourself for now. When you are NOT LOOKING AND LOOK LIKE CRAP, he'll probably show up. Isn't that how this always happens? Mr. Right is usually the guy whose foot you step on at 3 a.m. in the drugstore buying tampons.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 2:14 PM on May 13 [9 favorites]

Echoing the comment that you sound young, and that these things come with experience, remember that every relationship fails until one doesn't. It's like trying on shoes. So, get out there, and keep trying on shoes 'til one pair fits. You'll get better with each pair you try on.

Check out Dan Savage's Podcast. While often geared toward sex, he gives great no nonsense relationship advice.
posted by creeront at 10:25 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

I have always felt that "omg soulmate" thing you're talking about, but practically speaking I've just gone out with guys I haven't felt much for because it doesn't hurt anything. If it helps, this is my relationship history and how I felt when we started going out.

First boyfriend: I was just friends with him, and he was very interested so I figured, Why not? and went out with him. Ended up falling in love rather quickly, as did he. We were planning to get married but we were both really young. Ended up breaking up after two and a half years, and I was completely devastated. Falling in love really fast didn't mean anything in this case, and in retrospect was more of a bad thing.

Second boyfriend: Was good friends with him, and he was helping me get over my ex. The more time we spent together, the more I was just mildly interested but he was very interested. I decided to go out with him because, again, Why not? Well, this time I fell really fast again, and he just sort of stagnated for a couple of years; I wanted to get married but he seemed sort of phobic about some things. For example, he was reluctant to move in together for a while so I didn't push it. Then he wanted to, on his own, later. Then I still wanted to get married but he obviously didn't. That was pretty agonizing. All the same, though, it wasn't like he wanted to break up or date other people either, and we were pretty blissfully happy together. To me, this was completely bizarre. I thought since he knows he loves me very much and we spend all our time together and we're practically married anyway, then why doesn't he want to get married? I kept obsessing that something must secretly be wrong, when in actuality nothing was wrong. Some people think about love like you (seem to) or I do, but some people just don't. I know it seems so weird, but there you have it.

After four years he suddenly wants to get married, and it wasn't like I had strong-armed him into it. To the contrary, I was so mortified that he apparently didn't want to get married that I never, ever mentioned it. Then all of the sudden he's all excited about it, and talking about wedding plans, and stuff we'll do when we're married, and hey maybe we could just go get legally married for now since we can't afford a real wedding for a while, and, and... You get the picture. I was very happy about it, but at the same time it was surreal. We're going on six years now and trying to fit a wedding in with his finishing his masters degree, and to this day, he's still the one that brings up wedding stuff. When he got his tax refund, it was "omg wedding rings" for him. And it still feels surreal.

Before he reached that point, there was a while there where I just thought he never would, that he had some weird perspective on love that I couldn't begin to decode. I kept thinking I was sticking around in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere and I was fooling myself... but when I wasn't privately freaking out, we were really happy together, still spent all our time together because we both wanted to. It's easy to overthink these things, so make an effort not to.

In short, while it's a nice thought, it rarely happens that people just fall madly in love immediately, and usually not as the same pace. It's unfortunate and emotionally nerve-wracking for the person who's "further along" the love path, but that's reality. Some people honestly just need more time, and in my experience, it was worth being patient and forcing myself to think rationally and not freak out about it.

In case you're curious, what it came down to for him was he was just being cautious. He figured that most relationships don't work out, so he had it in his head that would eventually happen to us. He didn't want to get married and just get divorced. He said one day he realized that was stupid, because we weren't other people, and if some relationships do work out, then obviously ours was an example of that instead. In other words, I think that while people like us go into relationships very optimistically (perhaps overly so), plenty of people go in with it in their mind that most relationships are not perfect. They are cautious about throwing themselves into anything very quickly. It doesn't mean they love you any less, or they won't feel differently later.

When you're dating, remind yourself to enjoy the present and don't get too worked up over the future.
posted by Nattie at 1:51 AM on May 14

Think about this: You, me and everyone we will ever meet inhabit this thing called time, and time is the essence of change. You will age; you will learn new things; you will refine your tastes; you will be hurt; you will gain new friends and lose old ones. The person you are today may look similar to the person you were 10 years ago, but you are vastly different people. We are all on an undulating path of ups and downs.

And that's a good thing.

I've been on both sides of your story: the one deperately wanting to change someone, and the one who someone else has tried to desperately change. In each case change happened, but never in the way anyone had expected or hoped.

So don't look for someone you can change (or someone you want to stay the same for that matter) because you will more than likely find disappointment and frustration instead of satisfaction and fulfillment. Instead, look for a companion who challenges you, encourages you and inspires you. Someone you can simply be yourself around and whose company you can enjoy as you both change--together.
posted by sambosambo at 1:59 AM on May 14 [2 favorites]

Okay, so I cringed a bit when I read your question. Maybe because I saw myself 2 years ago in your question.

A lot of people already said it, but guys are going to run like hell if they realize that you're obsessed with finding "the one" and if you see them as having "great potential." Both of those things make you sound like you're intense, clingy, desperate and controlling. But don't freak out when I say that. Pretty much every woman has been there at some point in her life, including me.

But instead of being that girl you desperately do NOT want to be, what you want men to see is that you are a confident woman who is open to finding someone to share life with. The tricky part is actually becoming that person. For real.

No relationship is going to get you there. It's something you're going to have to do on your own. That doesn't mean you can't go on dates and be open to meeting great guys now. But the more you obsess about finding "the one," the more you are going to become that insecure, intense type of woman that we all hate to be.
posted by hydrate at 2:06 AM on May 14 [1 favorite]

To clarify my comment above, if I wasn't clear: Having potential should mean, wow, I like what I know about this person so far... I want to get to know him better and see if we are really compatible. It should NOT mean, wow, he's got some good qualities and some bad ones, and all I have to do is mold him into the man I want. Because as you know, that never works.
posted by chowflap at 7:55 AM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Mind the anecdata, but . . . I found it became easier the more rejection I faced. This might have been because I was becoming used to it or because I was in the dating scene long enough to realize there are plenty of people who catch my eye.

It still sucks, yes, but keep going!

Another thing to consider is how much you are actually bothered by the rejection vs. how much it's really just hating to be alone. If that latter is the case, it would seem more self-discovery and less dating is in order.
posted by lacedback at 12:37 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

I see a lot of myself in your question as well. I spent a little over three years trying to groom the nicest, most caring guy into husband material and as it has been pointed out by the commenters above, that is probably the least constructive use of time, money, and energy known to womankind. If they're not ready and mature, they're not, and no degree of cajoling, passive manipulation, and outright demands will get them there, regardless of how compelling you find your arguments and yourself to be. And if you are at all like me, and have what some like to call "a high degree of acheivement orientation", all of the (albeit, well meaning) suggestions to take a step back, relax, and just try to enjoy someone's company can seem completely counterintuitive. You know you want X and you are set out to get it. Is there anything passive and relaxed about that? Traits like this are actually respected in some spheres of society but men with them tend to fare far better than women. Don't you know a lot of women who would LOVE for a guy to be saying "I'm trying to groom her into wife material"? They'd practically have an orgasm at the thought of it. But you may be kind of misunderstood and get responses like this:

"Stop seeing men as pieces of property that you can "invest" in or "groom" or that have "potential" and try getting to know them as fellow human beings who have hopes, fears, and desires. Once you do that you'll find that you can appreciate them for companionship rather than some bizarre investment property which you expect to pay dividends on later."

Relationships do demand that you invest your time, money, and energy and expecting that not to be a total waste is not unreasonable. Here's one of the best tips I've been given lately because like you, I have been thrown back out into the land of dating, FAR later in my life then I'd prefer, and yes that is based on a curve established by the relationships of my friends and family and many other completely external, yet totally valid sources: BE AN INVESTIGATOR. Change your target - it is not your job to find a soul mate, it is your job to find the guy with the best *potential*. Go on Match.com or whatever to get a steady stream of dates lined up and just start meeting guys. Set up various scenarios to see how they'll do. There is no other goal other than to gather more information.

I think the problem is the desperation (don't kick yourself for it - it's totally normal) and that can get picked up on a mile away. One of the best ways for me to overcome it is just to take some control back in the process. I obviously can't control whether or not someone likes me, but I can control "the project" of meeting as many guys as possible and finding out more about them. And I guess the idea is that somewhere in there, something might click. And in the meantime, hopefully you'll have a few laughs.

Good luck!!
posted by smallstatic at 8:10 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]

it's best not to get over-excited over "face value", people frequently hide aspects of themselves to make a good impression.
posted by browolf at 7:19 AM on May 18