How do I learn to live with his tics?

April 9, 2008 8:50 AM

My boyfriend has developed some tics that are driving me up the wall. What can I do?

I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and we live together. We're in our early-mid-twenties, and we have a great relationship. Things were rough a while ago when he fell into a depression due to unemployment, but he's pulling out of it and slowly getting his life back on track.

The problem: his tics are driving me nuts. He's always had a few (not particularly noticeable) muscular tics, but over the past few months they've gotten worse and vocal tics have been thrown into the mix. First he was loudly closing his jaw, and then after a couple of months that was replaced with tongue clicks. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's doing it. The vocal tics are what pushed it over the edge for me -- I'm pretty anxious and high-strung by nature, and hearing a constant string of clicks and clunks emanating from his vicinity at all hours of the day is doing bad things to my blood pressure and my ability to concentrate. It's like having a neighbor who makes too much noise, except in this case the neighbor lives in my house, the noise is something he has no control over, and I love him dearly.

He's mentioned having OCD and Tourette's as a child, so there's obviously a precedent for the tics. He didn't take medication for it; he overcame his compulsions and tics through sheer willpower. He doesn't tic when he's in social situations (it's worst when he's reading or messing around on his computer), so this isn't something that's going to impact his vocational or social life. So I'm well aware that the problem here is mine, not his. I shouldn't be as bothered by the tics as I am; they're not particularly loud, and there are spans of time when I don't even notice them -- but as soon as I do notice them, they're all I can think about. I fixate on the tics, and on an imagined lifetime of listening to them stretching out before me. And I worry that something is seriously wrong with him and that the tics will only continue to get worse.

The medications for Tourette's have bad side effects, and like I said the tics don't affect his quality of life at all, so it would be ridiculous for him to go on meds. As I said, I don't think he's aware of his tics, and from what I've read, telling him about them wouldn't help (and might make them worse, because I think if he knew he was ticcing he'd go crazy trying to stop). (And what could I say? "Honey, this thing you're doing completely involuntarily that isn't your fault at all is making me miserable. I know you have no control over it, so I just wanted to let you know!"?) But I also hate feeling like I have to lie to him and avoid him whenever I have work to do (which is pretty much all the time). For example, last night he was reading on his laptop in bed while I was trying to fall asleep, and I couldn't fall asleep because I could hear his tongue-clicking through my earplugs and his muscular tics were shaking the bed. I had to lie to him and tell him the light from the computer was bothering me so that he'd either go to sleep or leave the room.

So I guess my question is twofold. First, for those who have some experience with Tourette's or other tic disorders: am I correct in my assumption that I shouldn't tell him about the tics? (Is it ridiculous of me to think he isn't aware of them? Maybe he's ashamed of them and is hoping I don't notice.) Is there any kind of behavior I can gently encourage that would improve the tics? (He recently began going to the gym, which I was hoping would help, but it's had no effect that I can notice.) Am I wrong to hope that this could improve on its own without any intervention? (Like I said, he's been depressed and stressed out lately, but there's an end in sight -- he's starting grad school in a few months, which I know is not normally equated with happiness and relaxation, but I've known him when he's been in school and dealing with insane workloads and he wasn't NEARLY as stressed out as he is now. And his tics were barely noticeable.)

Second, and more important, for those who have some experience with anxious and obsessive temperaments: how can I learn to control my reaction to his tics so I don't get crazed and anxious and unable to concentrate on anything? I suppose isolating myself in another room and putting on headphones helps, but I'm not happy with that solution -- I obviously can't avoid my boyfriend forever, nor do I want to, because I love spending time with him. So what do I do? Meditate? See a therapist? Take Xanax? My anxiety levels have reached a fevered pitch the past few months, and it's affecting my quality of life.

I feel like I'm being forced to decide between his happiness and mine -- if I tell him about the tics, he'll be angry at himself (both because he places an extremely high value on self-control and because he'll hate that he's been making my life worse). And since his life sucks much more than mine does right now, my inclination is to just suck it up and learn to tolerate this.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading all of this. It kills me that the one person I can always talk to is the one person I can't ask about this.

Throwaway e-mail: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I've learned over time that I shouldn't try to protect other people from themselves or from me. Your boyfriend is an adult, and unless you have a reason to believe that he is too emotionally unstable to handle the awareness of a new imperfection, you should trust his ability to maturely handle this problem. If it were me, I would stop keeping my feelings secret. I would bring up the tics in a neutral way, describe them, and find out whether or not he is aware of them. Then, I would try to be supportive of his coping methods. I would be honest about disliking the tics (though I would probably try to downplay my irritation, at least at first), and I would reassure him if he became upset. After all, it's clear from your post that you care about him very much. This is his problem, not yours. Make sure he is aware of it, and then ask him how you can help him manage it.

Right now, you're helping him avoid a stressor, but that does not help him in the long term. It is much better, I think, to help him deal with the problem and work on remaining calm about it. If you're worried about how dealing with this problem will affect him, then the sooner you bring it up, the sooner he can start to work on that issue. It will not be possible for you, or for anyone, to protect him forever from all possible sources of stress, including similar problems.

It may happen that once the issue is out in the open, it will not bother you as much as it does now. My guess is that the stress of keeping a secret is compounding your frustration. Once the two of you are on the same team, you might find that you're more relaxed about this.
posted by prefpara at 9:07 AM on April 9, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

It may happen that once the issue is out in the open, it will not bother you as much as it does now. My guess is that the stress of keeping a secret is compounding your frustration. Once the two of you are on the same team, you might find that you're more relaxed about this.

+1

That's really insightful.
posted by mpls2 at 9:12 AM on April 9, 2008

I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's doing it.

I'm sure that tourette's related tics are of a more compulsive nature, but I had an acquaintance once who had a vocal tic, and he had no idea. Another friend of mine pointed it out to him, and his awareness of it kept him from ever doing it again. If your boyfriend has been able to control it in the past, it could simply be that making him aware would help.

am I correct in my assumption that I shouldn't tell him about the tics?

I would want to know, if I was unaware. My acquaintance that I mentioned above was very glad to have been told, as well.

I have minor life tics myself, and I've become acutely aware of the fact that they are connected to periods of stress for me. As you mention that he is stressed and depressed, I wonder if there might be a correlation. (I'm not a doctor, although I do watch one on TV.)
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:33 AM on April 9, 2008

I had a lot of severe tics growing up and even now I deal with them, but it's become a lot easier for me, so I can empathize with your boyfriend. I was in a similar situation except I was on the other side of the relationship.

It really is important to let your boyfriend know and to have a heart to heart about it - communication is vital before it eats you up inside. Just keep in mind his feelings too when you let him know.

In my own case, I didn't even know it was a problem for my SO until I guess it got to him, along with a lot of other little things in our relationship, and he just let everything out on me at once when we were having an argument. If he'd broke it to me before and more gently, it would have saved me a lot of kleenex.
posted by SammyIva at 9:33 AM on April 9, 2008

I agree with everyone previously, that you should let him know. He cares about you, and will want to work with you to find a solution you can both work with. The awareness of it may help him control it, but if not, as least he'll be understanding and not worried that you're mad at him if you need to go chill in another room so you can work. Over the long term, if his tics get worse and he can't control them, that doesn't resign you to a life of misery. You'll get better at dealing with it because you care about him, and you can always spend time in separate rooms if you find that's necessary. It doesn't mean you're any less important to each other if you spend some time apart, especially if it helps your sanity and the overall quality of your relationship.

For yourself, you might want to try yoga or getting a lot of regular exercise to help your stress levels. Fever pitch anxiety levels that are affecting your quality of life are obviously something you want to avoid, and you know that. What have you been doing about it so far? Have you tried a regular exercise routine, cutting caffeine out of your diet, eating well? You might want to see a therapist, it certainly couldn't hurt. I'd try diet and exercise before resorting to meds like Xanax, but you're the only one who can say how much outside help you need dealing with this. Bottom line is, discussing all of this with your boyfriend doesn't equate to burdening him with it. He'll be happy that you're being open and honest with him.
posted by booknerd at 9:54 AM on April 9, 2008

I have tics. They're minor but they can be annoying to others if we're close and it's quiet. I am aware that I have them but I am not always aware that I am exhibiting them. I would much rather someone gently remind me that I am "making that noise again" than to suffer in silence, slowly building up resentment towards me. Once I know that I am doing it I can usually get it under control and if I can't I remove myself from the situation until it stops.

You love him. He loves you. He's already shared with you that this is something he has dealt with before. I don't see how gently pointing it out will damage your relationship. But if you let the issue build and build and build until you explode at him you'll definitely have a problem on your hands.
posted by LeeJay at 10:37 AM on April 9, 2008

So I'm well aware that the problem here is mine, not his.

This is very generous of you, but it is wrong. I have a few tics that drive my GF up the wall. This makes them my problem as well as her, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

This doesn't mean that the responsibility for solving the problem is wholly mine or my GF's or even ours mutually. But it does mean that, just as she has a responsibility to make an effort to tolerate me, I have a responsibility to do whatever I can to minimize her exposure to them.
posted by googly at 10:40 AM on April 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

My partner (on preview, I can tell you now that it's googly) has tics, has never taken medication for them, and yes, sometimes they drive me crazy. Here are some thoughts/responses to your questions:

*I think it may indeed be the case that he's unaware of them. And yes, pointing them out may make them temporarily worse-- at least for the course of the conversation. Luckily, he is very open to talking about his tics and trying to explain to me what the compulsion to tic feels like-- the explanation that's helped me most is his analogy to an itch. Like you have an itch on your arm, and the only thing that will make you feel better is to scratch your arm. The scratching is the tic, but just like you can be scratching your arm without realizing you're doing it, you can also have tics without realizing you're doing it. Hopefully, your boyfriend will be open to discussing it. Be prepared that WHILE YOU ARE TALKING, the tics will manifest themselves more because he is thinking about them. However, over the long term this could minimize them, and most of the goal in talking to him about the tics is not to have him control them in some way, but to give you greater understanding so that you might be able to live with them.

*Stress and tics definitely go hand in hand. It may not manifest in a direct one-to-one correlation, but in my experience I have noticed the tics emerge under times of emotional overload-- stress, intense emotions, uncomfortable conversations, nervousness, etc. You, as his partner, are more likely to be around for these things and he is more likely to let down his guard around you so that you will be the one to witness the tics. This may sound weird, but now I feel like the tics give me some insight into his state of mind, or state of emotion. If he's ticking while talking to me about something, I try to remember that this must be something important to him. If he's doing a lot of ticking in general then I also know that he has a lot going on.

* It's amazing how much the presence of the tics ebbs and flows over time. I don't have a concrete explanation (other than the stress explanation above), but when the tics are present I know that they might be around for a while but then they will suddenly go away and not manifest for many months. I have definitely caught myself thinking, "i have to put up with this for the rest of my life?" but then once they ebb, I realize that things are always going to be changing.

* It's also possible that you're focusing on the tics as a way of locating your anxiety and stress and all other sorts of perceived problems. I definitely notice the tics more when I am feeling annoyed in general-- with the relationship, my life, my job, etc. So I try to remember that, but they still bug me and I also don't try to deny that. In some ways, though, it's no different than being annoyed with any partner's quirks when you're living together. I think that you are definitely thinking about this the right way, of not wanting to pathologize or medicalize the problem for him, but to try to make it easier for you two to live together.

*One other thing strikes me that I'll throw out there now because you are anonymous is that maybe what you also want to ask us is how can you bring this up with your boyfriend given that it is a sensitive topic. So, one example is to say something like, "Hey, I have been noticing that you have been clicking your tongue when you're working on the computer. Have you noticed that?" If he's told you about his earlier tics and his Tourette's, this won't come as a huge surprise.
posted by picklebird at 11:01 AM on April 9, 2008

I don't know if this is feasible for you or your boyfriend, but sources near and dear to me have sworn by medical marijuana for tics caused by tourettes. YMMV, but it appears there are lasting neutralizing effects, even when he isn't medicated.
posted by Kifer85 at 11:56 AM on April 9, 2008

I find it odd that you think the ti's aren't his problem, but your reaction to them is somehow your fault. He can't control his tics, I agree. But the fact they annoy you is just that: a fact. It's not because you have some sort of failing as a human.

Talk to him, I'm sure he has some ideas.
posted by chairface at 12:36 PM on April 9, 2008

If it ends up that you need an attudinal change for one reason or the other, I wonder if hypnosis might help. A post-hypnotic suggestion might be quite helpful in this particular situation.
posted by WCityMike at 12:40 PM on April 9, 2008

I can't believe you haven't just told him: "Stop doing that thing with your tongue!" That's certainly what I'd say. You're going to such lengths to not tell him how you're feeling -- that can't be healthy.

Don't get yourself all worked up about whether to have a big serious talk with him. Point it out, make light of it, and see if he stops.

If he keeps doing it, then you can take it from there. And in that case, it really would be "his problem." Someone who keeps driving his girlfriend crazy with weird tics has a problem.
posted by jejune at 1:47 PM on April 9, 2008

See a neurologist that specializes in Tourettes. Treatment is available.
posted by Crotalus at 7:05 PM on April 9, 2008

He can't help that he has tics. You can't help that you're annoyed. Tell him, and work together to find a solution that works the best for both of you. This may involve coming up with a gentle way of saying 'hey, you're doing that thing that drives me up the wall again'. And I agree that once it's out in the open, it may be less of a problem.

I, too, am one of those people that can get irrationally irritated about repetitive noises. Part of the problem right now, I bet, is that you're so aware of them, you're almost waiting for them to happen so that by the time they do, you're already aggravated. Hopefully talking about it will make it less of a Big Deal, you will pay less attention, maybe he will do them less, and it will get better.
posted by rosethorn at 7:14 PM on April 9, 2008