How to stop worrying and love myself

November 27, 2011 9:59 AM

Lately I have been binging on self-help books, surfing the internet for articles on family issues -- I just want an answer, to know what went wrong and how to fix it. But everything seems hollow. I feel horribly stuck and I desperately want to move forward and I don't know how. Lots and lots of details inside.

My family of origin was a bit of a mess. Loving in many ways, I hasten to say. We were very religious - I spent a great deal of my childhood worrying about going to hell. My mother was temperamental and controlling. I really struggle to explain our relationship. In many ways it was a power game in which I comforted myself that she was "losing" every time she yelled at me or slapped me and I remained calm and said nothing. I was not allowed to express anger towards my mother (though she was often and easily angry at me). I remember being jealous of other people's kids because she would be so much more patient with their behavior than with mine. Because of our insular religion and my shyness I had few friends. I was bullied at school and simply never told anyone because I was so ashamed of it and because I rarely confided anything to my parents.

I live far away from my mom now which really helps our relationship. She has apologized for a lot of the things that happened when I was a kid but she also makes excuses for her behavior. These conversations go with her piling on self-recrimination while I comfort her and secretly resent that it's still ALL ABOUT HER.

I have suspicions than my mother may have been abused as a child by a family member with a possible undiagnosed personality disorder.

Problems:
1. I am now well into my 30s and have been unable to ever establish a long-term relationship. I practically break out in hives when a guy makes it clear he really likes me. I date men who I am immensely attracted to and who are emotionally distant, I try to be casual, and then they move on and I feel like my heart's been ripped out. Right now I'm sleeping with someone I'm actually uncomfortable with and dislike a little just because I know I won't fall for him. When I think of being married I think of that horrible claustrophobic feeling of my childhood and just panic. But at the same time I desperately want to be loved.

2. I think my mom would try to do things that would make our relationship better if I asked for them, I just don't know what would help.

3. I struggle a lot at work and fall easily into unhealthy dynamics where an angry and controlling manager can be someone I am both deeply resentful of and very anxious to please.

4. I'm stupid about a lot of basic things. For example, I hide problems - particularly at work. A friend pointed out to me once that X would be much better if I simply told the manager in question that X was becoming a problem and that I had done my best with it and now needed help. It was a revolutionary idea but I still struggle with it - my instinct is to try to solve problems secretly before they can be noticed. I have the feeling I am stupid about other things as well.

5. I will go to great lengths to avoid criticism, confrontation and anger. I'm probably a bit passive aggressive and manipulative. I recognize myself in some of the descriptions but what I do feels more like self-preservation than malice.

6. I keep establishing friendships with women who are critical of me and being hurt and angry at their criticism.

7. I have no long-term goals. I just don't. I really don't know what I want from life.

8. I have practically zero self-discipline. I will go to great lengths for other people but struggle with the simplest issues of willpower where I am the only beneficiary. I've been told repeatedly by a variety of people that I need more self-esteem. OK, how do I get it?

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. I guess my question is - what do I do next? How can I be happier? How can I move forward? How can I figure out what I really want? How can I learn to be ok with intimacy?

Already in therapy, already on drugs.

posted by bunderful to human relations (18 answers total)

I was also raised in a very religious atmosphere, and was also always in fear of going to hell. So we have that in common. I have also made many friends like the women you describe, and I've been divorced twice. (I'm a decade or two older than you.) I've been in therapy on and off several times in my adult life, and am in therapy now.

One thing that has really helped me is meditation and studying Buddhism. Because of my background I prefer not to adopt it as a religion (because I tend to reject all religion, and is Buddhism a religion? that's been debated), but the philosophy of Buddhism, combined with meditation, either Buddhist or non-Buddhist, has really helped me. Guided meditation focused on the breath helps. Picturing all of us as one giant life force, all connected, helps. Accepting my upbringing and my parents for who they are helps, although I am still struggling with both of those things.

The other thing that has helped me is a really blunt therapist. For about a year I went to a more new-age, Buddhist therapist, and I still go to the meditation group she leads, but I stopped therapy for a while and then started going to a male who tells it like it is. Some of what he says is jarring, but it's what I need to hear. My mom is quite passive-aggressive, so I think that's why I love someone just being blunt and telling me not what I want to hear or being manipulative but just being straight with how it is.

Those things may or may not help you, but that's what helped me. It's good that you're exploring this, and I hope you find your way. For a while I had severe anxiety attacks when dealing with the issues that I've buried over the years, but it's getting better, and life looks much more joyous to me. I hope it will for you, too.
posted by ElizabethEllis at 10:39 AM on November 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm glad that you're in therapy and that you're on medication. You should be proud of yourself for taking those steps to take care of yourself!

Are you exercising at all? I know it's a pain and it feels like one more damn thing you have to do, but try and find something that forces you to stop thinking for a little while because you're focusing on what your body is doing instead. If it's something that you're able to get gradually better at, it'll become a source of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Running is a good one for a lot of people, but I've had immense success with yoga. I actually mostly just download yoga podcasts these days, but you might want to start out with a class for beginners; the local YMCA will usually run them, and it's not very expensive. Yoga was good for me because, at least in most of the beginner classes, there is a huge emphasis placed on self-acceptance, not pushing yourself or judging yourself, and being aware of your body and yourself.

You might also get a lot out of group therapy or a moderated support group, because it sounds like you haven't had much experience at all with nurturing and supportive friends with whom you can be open and honest--and be safe.

Very much of what you say, I strongly strongly empathize with. Your list--especially #4--is full of things I do and have done myself. It will take time, and extreme bravery on your part in many cases, to start undoing some of these habits. You should throw yourself a little internal party every time you do something brave like asking for help with a problem.

I guess, in response to your real question: "What do I next?" The best answer is, you keep working on this and it'll keep getting better.

Also, quit coddling your mom. She fucked up. Be angry.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 11:43 AM on November 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

Also, give yourself CREDIT for what you've done.

You give yourself a hard time for lack of self-discipline, lack of goal-setting, and hiding problems....sweet pea, those were survival strategies! Imagine if you'd had a indpendent goal-driven mindset and asked for help regularly as a child. Yikes.

You did what worked then to survive -- yay, you! Give yourself a pat on the back for that, then you can tell yourself (again and again, gently) that it's time to let some of that go.
posted by pantarei70 at 11:50 AM on November 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

When you are brought up in a severely dysfunctional family it's common to have problems with intimacy and relationships in adulthood. It seems that we cannot behave "normally" in relationships.

Since life is short and I've grown tired of behaving in ways that limit the love and joy in my life I have tried to be more openhearted. Brene Brown talks about being openhearted. Her blog.

I am married, most of the time happily, but I would and could be even happier if I practiced honesty and openheartedness more. I have a difficult time being vulnerable. I can be grouchy and moody instead of loving and cheerful. It's a defense mechanism.

Your mom has apologized, albeit making it all about her, but at least she admits her faults. Some abusive parents go to their graves believing they never did anything wrong, or will never apologize. Some families never speak of it and the hole in the heart is never repaired. Your mom obviously had issues and it's good that you have some understanding and empathy. It's good you can talk about it. Realize how lucky you are that you can talk about it with her!

You didn't have a good childhood. It's over and there is nothing you can do about it but mourn a bit. We have to live the life we have now, not the life we think we should have been given. Understand that you are not alone. You are not a victim and you get to live the life you want now. Nobody can do it for you and you can't get caught up in a blame game and I'm flawed because of my childhood and because I am flawed I cannot do xyz like the rest of the people. That's all bullshit and it took me so long to figure out. You would not believe the things I thought I couldn't do because of my past. I am capable of so much and I will not let a childhood that happened twenty years ago keep me down anymore. I'm not saying you should forget and I'm not saying it's going to be easy but you must be strong for yourself. There is not one thing your mom can say or do to magically erase the pain or make you whole. You have to do that. Don't look to your mother to cure you. It's not going to happen.

Though you are still angry with your mom and it was a painful childhood, it's good that you still maintain some contact. The more you empathize and understand the better. If you keep a "I hate you" story in your head it will only make things worse. It will cause more anger, anxiety, and helplessness. It's okay to be angry and mourn but don't get caught up in it because then you are still a victim.

My advice would be to be alone for awhile. Do not sleep with people you do not like. This is only going to worsen your self-esteem.

Exercise vigorously. If you're not an exerciser start off with half-hour walks and increase your time and speed. Take good care of your physical self. You deserve it.

Hang out with positive people who don't criticize you. Be careful on how tough you are on friends though. Sometimes us dysfunctional people have a difficult time maintaining friendships and can let friendships fizzle over perceived slights. I've been too hard on some people. Not to their face but I tend to get offended over a lot of my friends' behavior. I tend to judge harshly. If you are a harsh judge you will never have friends.

Don't allow your childhood (over and done with!) zap the joy out of your adult life. Keep going to therapy if you feel like it is helping. Don't get caught up in a woe is me story every week though. Know that you are worthy.
posted by Fairchild at 12:10 PM on November 27, 2011 [12 favorites]

Not to the same extent, but having just read Child Called It with my students, your mother reminds me of a lesser version of his mother. If it's still all about her, even when she's "apologising" then it's not really an apology. That's a pretty fucked up way to grow up and the fact that you're alive and employed and working through your issues is pretty awesome.

I actually really relate to you in a lot of these things - dealing with things internally and almost secretively because you don't want other people to know what's going on and you don't want them to think you can't take care of it on your own...yeah, I'm there with you. I'm still trying to figure out how to get over that one, honestly. It makes marriage a lot harder and I admire you for trying to work it out first.

Oh, and please break up with the guy you're seeing. That's hurting you and potentially him and it's just not worth it. Consider staying single for a while; talk to your therapist about how to form relationships with men that are healthier. If you're not getting what you need from this therapist, find another one.

Memail me if you want - I could have written large parts of your post.
posted by guster4lovers at 12:14 PM on November 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

Forgot the links:

Brene Brown TED talk

Brene Brown blog
posted by Fairchild at 12:14 PM on November 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

I identify with a lot of what you wrote. Some thoughts:

1. Me too. When someone likes me I think "What's the matter with this guy?". It's almost like my body starts producing white blood cells to get rid of him, haha!

I also have had mostly sex-based relationships. I don't think this is necessarily bad; sex is awesome. However, the problem can come, like you pointed out, from getting overly attached to one of these guys and it can fuck you up for a while. I'm currently in that place and it has finally made me swear off "dating" for a while until I trust myself to interact with men with more self-respect. (Again, I don't mean that having casual sex is an act of low self-respect. The problem is when you have deeper feelings going on and you don't listen to them and it ends up hurting you.) It's easy to advise that you stop these casual relationships, but for now they are serving a purpose. When you are ready for something deeper, you will stop seeking them.

2. Mom stuff. *sigh* I wish I knew why mom can't treat me better, I've spent years crying trying to figure out why. It just is. I would definitely speak the truth of your experience to her, let her know how her behaviour has affected you all these years...in my experience, this was the only way my mom softened up a bit on me. But, don't expect any significant change in behaviour. It's easier and more accurate to see it like she was born with some deficiency in this area, not you.

4. I'm totally learning a lessen around this at work right now. Things that I would automatically hide and think that I should be able figure out on my own, i.e. feel shame about...well, from watching colleagues that bring things up like it ain't no thang and the higher-ups being grateful and understanding rather than wrathful is showing me that I don't have to swallow up my feelings when something difficult comes along. Try it, you might be surprised by the results! (Hmm, though if you have an angry manager this is unlikely to work so well. If possible, change your work environment or you are likely just reinforcing this problem).

6. Hmm, it's been a while since I've been able to tolerate people like this so I wonder why you put up with it. My guess is that you're lonely and are settling. Eventually you will get to a place where this is intolerable. Where are you meeting your friends? Try meeting new ones through a similar interest. E.g. For a long time I thought I was never going to have friends because people suck and I'm boring, etc but then I met a few awesome friends through a creative writing class, and another through group therapy. Try things that would increase the chance of meeting sensitive people who are likely to make good friends!

7. Me too...but i'm starting to think it comes from having such a low opinion of myself. As I grow out of that and "love" myself more (God, I was such a self-hater for so long that I can't say I love myself without using quotations yet) I want to show that, er, love by coming up with and following through with goals for myself that I know are important to me. You'll get there.

8. Kinda relates to #7.

The rest: I think you will see an improvement as an outgrowth of meds and therapy. It won't happen fast: I've been in therapy 6 years and am still struggling, yet I've gotten to places I never imagined. These behaviours took years to take root in you, it will take years to tear them out, fibre by fibre. Any miniscule change is a victory. Don't beat yourself up, and all that good stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to share. MeMail me if any of this rung true and you would like to hear more.
posted by oceanview at 12:53 PM on November 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

"I'm stupid about a lot of basic things." No, you're not. You're insulting yourself for being a flawed human being -- I'm a flawed human being, too, so when you insult yourself, you insult me. I take offense. How dare you say that about us?

Apparently your parents neglected to teach you that it's not OK to call people "stupid," not even yourself. Especially yourself. One thing that would be helpful for you would be to cultivate the belief that you are NOT stupid, and that it is NOT OK to call yourself stupid, ever, for any reason. You can, and should, admit imperfections, and mistakes, and difficulties, and blind spots, and bad habits, but that does not add up to "stupid." It adds up to "human." And being human -- it's hard, and heartbreaking, and preposterous, and every single minute it's a symphony of miracles.

A good beginners' yoga class is one effective way to train yourself to internalize these things. Believe me, you're not the first person to try to deal with with this crap -- you're about maybe the 100 billionth. Good luck -- we all need it.
posted by Corvid at 1:10 PM on November 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm stupid about a lot of basic things.
Hey Listen. I know you're busy but I just wanted to tell you that you're not an idiot OK?
posted by Kerasia at 2:13 PM on November 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

I think it might help if you put some emotional distance between you and your Mom. As in, "Yeah, she's my Mom, but she no longer has some magic power over me that can make me feel like crap." I did that with my Mom a few years ago, and we get along much better now.
posted by Val_E_Yum at 3:16 PM on November 27, 2011

Fairchild beat me to it.

I am seconding the suggestion of Brene Brown. I watched her TED talk one night and almost burst into tears because it's so true and so relevant to many of my own issues.
posted by elleyebeebeewhy at 5:17 PM on November 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I posted this ask after a sleepless night. I'm not sure why I'm in such a crisis about this stuff at the moment - I thought I had taken care of it years ago - but it's cropped up again.

Anyway, it meant a lot to see all of your responses and memails and I'm so grateful to all of you. That's like the understatement of the century but I've tried typing that sentence several times already so please just know I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT.

Also, Brene Brown rocks. I saw her TED talk a few months ago when I was sort of at the beginning of this - whatever this is - and I had forgotten about it but am excited to see it again.

And the bear is amazing :)

I'm still open to any further thoughts and still sorting through the advice in this thread and taking it all in.

Thanks again.
posted by bunderful at 7:35 PM on November 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just curious why you comfort her when she gets into a pity party?

Don't go there when she starts up. Change the subject, and if she continues to cycle around, perhaps you could say something along the lines of 'We both had to live the past, but I refuse to live IN it. I don't want to talk about it anymore, thank you.'

Then don't. Hang up if you must. Make that a requirement for your contact, that the conversation be in the here and now, and be pleasant and uplifting for both of you.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:06 PM on November 27, 2011

Reading your post really startled me. I have so many similar issues, and I imagine that there are millions of others like us. A few things stuck out for me.

First, your Mom is either a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies. Start reading self-help books intended for children of narcissists. Using that as a keyword will help you mine another vein of knowledge about your situation. In a nutshell: Your mother is not mentally healthy. She has a personality disorder (or those tendencies) that make it difficult for her to function in relationships. This is not your fault, but it's good to know about.

Now, onto your problems (which I am so so very familiar with - I pasted this list into my diary because you did such a great job of listing them so clearly!):

1. Relationships:

I haven't solved this one either. You may need someone who gives you a lot of space. A few things have helped me most so far:

A. Having a lot of casual sexual relationships with people that I could take or leave. Those rip-your-heart-out emotional desperation relationships were just me repeating the relationship with my mother and trying to get her to love me. Realizing that I could take or leave men and nothing bad would happen to me has been very healing. I guess this doesn't work for everyone (see lots of advice above), but it has been very, very good for me. So I think your instinct in seeing someone you don't get too attached to is good. You are experiencing what it's like to be close with someone without being engulfed. That's been good for me. I haven't explored it much, but the poly and other sex-based communities might be good for you too. You'll see that it's just sex and some intimacy, not this Huge Thing that has to be the center of your life that brings up all of your issues with your mom.

Also, being simply, purely, rawly desired by many men will make you feel better (or it did with me). I am beautiful and desired by many. I have a lot of sex. It's nice, and it keeps me from getting stuck on the traditional why-aren't-you-married, a-man-validates-your-existence treadmill. I don't have the emotional intimacy that I want yet, but I feel safe, and the safety makes me feel okay to tell people when I have concerns, and get better at sharing my life over time.

If you are going to try this, sleep with generally nice people, whom you like (but about whom you don't have huge illusions about the future), who treat you well, and whom you don't build your life around. This has helped me see men as real people, and have more empathy for them, and not take them so seriously.

I'm still figuring this out myself, but it's working for me so far.

B. I realized that a large part of my attraction to the men I was desperate for was for personal validation as a creative, successful, high achiever. If this is an issue for you, seek the achievement itself. Not super high-achieving and high status men. They will come to you if you are a high achiever too. On your terms, not theirs.

C. Feminism. I now see what I'm dealing with as not only an issue of psychology but of sociology. Socially, female worth is structured around other people's validation. Regardless of the quality of their parenting, women suffer generally as part of a society that does not value us as people, but as consumption items for men. The perspective that this is a historical and cultural artifact makes it seem less personal and less about me and my childhood.

2. About your mom:

I'm really not sure that your mom will, in fact, do things to make your relationship better. You can try, but don't blame yourself if it doesn't work. I think you tend to minimize how self-centered she is. From your description, it sounds like this is not your burden to bear.

A. Read all of the askme questions about boundaries, saying no, dealing with crazy family, etc. They will help. Post if you have a specific question about dealing with her and you will get good advice.

B. As above, read about narcissism and being the child of narcissistic parents. This book, for example, is good: http://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324

C. Your mom is not the center of your life. She is peripheral. The most important thing is to figure out how to make your life awesome. Spend less time caring about it, and focus on the rest of your life.

3. Angry, controlling manager

This shit is POISON to you. Seriously. If you are in this situation, get out as fast as possible. Given your personality style, you HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION. These people are bad for everyone. It's not that you are weak or can't handle it or whatever. Avoiding people like this is like adding years to your life and solving a huge mess of issues in therapy at the same time. An undeniable win.

4. Not knowing basic things

This is tough because you often don't know what you don't know. I have been there and I understand.

These are life skills you have to learn and practice. There are books on specific life skills - work dynamics, how to send emails, etc. You can learn from friends, from movie characters, from experience. As you realize you have a specific problem, learn about how to fix it and practice.

Everyone has to learn these skills, regardless of their childhood. No one is born knowing them.

You already know that you need to speak up more. Just practice this and overcompensate on the other side (sharing more difficulties than perhaps you should) until you find your balance. For this you also need to be in a supportive environment. Make sure that the people in your life are kind and caring and love you. If people don't love you, they can fuck themselves. You don't need it. Then, you can practice these skills safely and learn quickly how to use them.

5. Avoiding criticism, confrontation and anger.

This is actually a good trait.

While you work on being more assertive, you can view this as a strength. You are not pushy, demanding, or aggressive. This makes you more fun to be around. You can celebrate this awesomeness while learning a few more assertiveness skills to make your point clear when you need to.

6. Friendships with critical women.

Read the askme questions about friend-dumping and experiment with it. Here's a goal: Dump at least one person before the end of the year. Clean house. You don't need people like this in your life. Really, you don't.

If your therapist is like this, dump her too. If she's helpful (and this is a pretty good test of it), ask for her help with this. It seems like a good intermediate goal for you, very low risk and high reward.

7. Long-term goals

I have no long-term goals. I just don't. I really don't know what I want from life.

This is the most crucial thing. You need to really work on this, separate from getting over your childhood. This is incredibly, incredibly important. It will give you stability in hard times and keep you from getting sucked into other people's issues, which is your primary issue. (I know, I have it too.)

Post an askme question about what to do with your life. Read about career planning. Experiment. There's too much to say here (because this is a huge issue for lots of people, regardless of childhood background), but really work on this one. It will have effects way beyond your career path.

8. Self-discipline

I have this too. A few ideas:

A. Look into ADD as a possibility -- the meds are wonderful for helping you to focus.

B. Involve other people in your plans. Get a workout partner. Do projects with other people. Make yourself accountable. Use this trait to get what you want out of life.

I've written a book here, but a few last insights:

- Lots of people have these problems. There is nothing wrong with you. Just keep learning the concrete skills you need to make your life better.

- Get out of your head and just effing do stuff. Just doing stuff will take you out of your narrative and help you grow.

- You can be how you are. Seriously, you can structure your life around what you need, whatever that is. The world is full of freaks and weirdos and if you need something that your mother doesn't approve of or sounds crazy to everyone you know, you can go after it if it makes you happy during your brief time here on earth. See Kate Bornstein and other activists and artists. For example (http://www.amazon.com/Hello-Cruel-World-Alternatives-Suicide/dp/1583227202)

- Travel. Seeing more of the world can help you put things in perspective and ignite your passion.

I hope this helps, and I look forward to reading other people's answers and to asking more questions of my own to help with this issue.
posted by 3491again at 7:44 AM on November 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

Wow, that is amazing.

A couple of things that I didn't really think about until I started reading and re-reading the responses, that probably belonged in my original post.

- I have tried a lot of different things to set life goals for myself and figure out what I want. I've set a lot of goals thinking "well, this is a good thing to want, so I should go for it." But I forget, or even do a 180 on it in a couple of weeks. As for digging deep for my innate drive/goal/purpose - it's like there's a wall there. I know that it's important to get through it, believe me. I hate just floating through life while my peers are passionately engaged by their careers and families. Any thoughts on getting through the wall? I've thought about just following my most lizard-brained reactions (i.e., if I'm horribly jealous of people who go to art school ... maybe I should go to art school. But this points me down some very risky paths...)

- I can see what you all mean about spending time with positive people. The thing is that a lot of time the positivity doesn't feel real. Criticism hurts like hell and I hate it and avoid it - but it seems more honest and authentic than most praise. When praise does seem thoughtful and based on actual attention it's almost scary. I feel most safe with people who are not reactive and who don't easily praise OR criticize but who seem authentic and present.

3491, what you said about getting away from my manager was amazing. It feels like a get out of jail free card.
posted by bunderful at 8:24 AM on November 28, 2011

Oh, right. I'm not actually angry with my mother. I mean, I think there's some anger buried in there somewhere, but I don't really feel it. I feel uncomfortable and distant and closed off.

My mom isn't a *bad* person. I know she loves me and did her best. But it still just hurts like hell that the person who should have loved me most, seen me the most clearly, judged me the most compassionately, and had my back the most ... didn't.
posted by bunderful at 8:38 AM on November 28, 2011

Wow, you could be me when I was in my 30s.

____________________________________
My mom isn't a *bad* person. I know she loves me and did her best. But it still just hurts like hell that the person who should have loved me most, seen me the most clearly, judged me the most compassionately, and had my back the most ... didn't.
_____________________________________

That's so true - it wasn't her fault. I agree with bunderful that your mother had a personality disorder, and a serious one for the development of her children. NPD is one of the most damaging things for kids to be around. It was a disorder and she couldn't help it. But it was STILL shitty that you ended up getting the brunt of that, as her innocent child. I think you should stay in touch with your rage, not rationalize your mother's behavior.

I used to hate my parents so much that I thought I was going to go nuts, and later on (when I realized that they couldn't help how they were), I started imagining their sickness as if it were a physical disability. Somehow it helped to do this. They're both gone now, but when I think of them I still picture them in hospital beds, all bandaged up and getting IV drips, or still bleeding from a wound maybe, leaking blood everywhere, flat on their backs and utterly helpless. People in that kind of shape can't raise children. Also, they can barely manage themselves. When I think of my parents' narcissistic behavior, I realize they were bleeding from wounds that wouldn't heal, and that's why they had no time and no love to spare for me.

Somehow it helps :)

Your post is amazing btw, and congrats on your self-insight and the progress you've made so far.
posted by cartoonella at 11:51 AM on November 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not bunderful - that's you - I meant 3491again!
posted by cartoonella at 11:54 AM on November 28, 2011