can't orgasm with a partner
March 10, 2008 11:16 AM Subscribe
I can't get off when someone else stimulates me. help! [nsfw]
I'm a hetero female and the only orgasms I can have are from masturbating. This frustrates me, because even talented boyfriends who were willing to give me oral or finger me for long periods of time haven't been able to get me off. I'll get really incredibly annoyingly close in those situations though; the guy will have me teetering on the edge of coming, sometimes for minutes at a stretch, but it won't happen, and sooner or later someone gives up (usually me, because I start to get numb or I can tell the guy is tired and I feel bad for taking so long). Since I can get off quickly by myself and I get close with partners, I'm thinking this is either a mental problem or I need to lay off masturbating for a while. Is there some mental game I can play that will help me over the edge- being extra focused, or not focusing on the stimulation, or something? If I stop masturbating will I get more sensitive to oral? Something else I could try that would give me a boost to orgasm?
(btw this isn't a big deal overall in my sex life, because if I really feel like coming, I usually self-assist during penetration, and everyone's happy, but I think the orgasms I could be having from oral would be far more intense)
I'm a hetero female and the only orgasms I can have are from masturbating. This frustrates me, because even talented boyfriends who were willing to give me oral or finger me for long periods of time haven't been able to get me off. I'll get really incredibly annoyingly close in those situations though; the guy will have me teetering on the edge of coming, sometimes for minutes at a stretch, but it won't happen, and sooner or later someone gives up (usually me, because I start to get numb or I can tell the guy is tired and I feel bad for taking so long). Since I can get off quickly by myself and I get close with partners, I'm thinking this is either a mental problem or I need to lay off masturbating for a while. Is there some mental game I can play that will help me over the edge- being extra focused, or not focusing on the stimulation, or something? If I stop masturbating will I get more sensitive to oral? Something else I could try that would give me a boost to orgasm?
(btw this isn't a big deal overall in my sex life, because if I really feel like coming, I usually self-assist during penetration, and everyone's happy, but I think the orgasms I could be having from oral would be far more intense)
(Hitting that damn Post Comment button too soon!) Furthermore, I had the same problem when I was younger. Getting oral from my then-girlfriend, and it was amazing, but I just couldn't finish. I just cleared my mind of all thoughts, relaxed, and let go.
posted by booticon at 11:22 AM on March 10, 2008
posted by booticon at 11:22 AM on March 10, 2008
Something similar happened to me when I was a bit younger. It sounds a bit trite, but try this; rather than focusing on coming as a 'goal', try thinking of it as something that happens occasionally as a result of the process. Once you take the pressure to perform off of yourself and just allow yourself to enjoy the process, everything gets easier. Worked for me, anyway.
Good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:46 AM on March 10, 2008
Good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:46 AM on March 10, 2008
There's no universal answer. You might have to try lots of different things. Try not to get too frustrated.
If you're telling yourself, "Just relax," (as people often do in these sorts of situations, and, on preview, yeah, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks), just don't. Instead, try tensing up every muscle in your body, especially when you're, as you say, "teetering on the edge of coming." Sometimes that involuntary response needs a bit of nudge.
There's also the very strong possibility that your partner just isn't doing it right. One thing to try is to help yourself out, as it were, paying special attention to what it is you do that your partner doesn't, and then sharing this information with your partner. In other words: Figure out what works for you, and teach him how to do it.
Finally, yes, focus on it, but don't focus on focusing on it. Of course, though, if you start focusing on not focusing on focusing on it, that's when you're in real trouble.
(Full disclosure: IANAFemale, but I know a few)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:53 AM on March 10, 2008
If you're telling yourself, "Just relax," (as people often do in these sorts of situations, and, on preview, yeah, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks), just don't. Instead, try tensing up every muscle in your body, especially when you're, as you say, "teetering on the edge of coming." Sometimes that involuntary response needs a bit of nudge.
There's also the very strong possibility that your partner just isn't doing it right. One thing to try is to help yourself out, as it were, paying special attention to what it is you do that your partner doesn't, and then sharing this information with your partner. In other words: Figure out what works for you, and teach him how to do it.
Finally, yes, focus on it, but don't focus on focusing on it. Of course, though, if you start focusing on not focusing on focusing on it, that's when you're in real trouble.
(Full disclosure: IANAFemale, but I know a few)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:53 AM on March 10, 2008
I'm a guys, so I don't know if I can help you at all but I'm just going to throw this out there:
It is good that you self-stimulate while having sex to make yourself climax. This girl I'm seeing does that sometimes and I think it is hot.
Some suggestions:
1. Give direction to the guy who is going down on you. Don't be afraid of telling him what is and isn't working. Have them watch you do your thing. Us guys really don't have a clue what is working and what isn't...we need to be told.
2. Have you tried being, kinda of..i dunno... rough about it? I like it when my girl grabs/pulls my hair and shoves my face in it like she wants it really bad and there is nothing I can do about it. Its hot and we both get off on it.
posted by nickerbocker at 12:15 PM on March 10, 2008
It is good that you self-stimulate while having sex to make yourself climax. This girl I'm seeing does that sometimes and I think it is hot.
Some suggestions:
1. Give direction to the guy who is going down on you. Don't be afraid of telling him what is and isn't working. Have them watch you do your thing. Us guys really don't have a clue what is working and what isn't...we need to be told.
2. Have you tried being, kinda of..i dunno... rough about it? I like it when my girl grabs/pulls my hair and shoves my face in it like she wants it really bad and there is nothing I can do about it. Its hot and we both get off on it.
posted by nickerbocker at 12:15 PM on March 10, 2008
This might sound confusing, but all the advice above is correct. Relax; think of an orgasm as an intermittent rather than a guaranteed reward; tense up to help push yourself over the brink; and let your guy know what you like.
But OTOH, you may have trained yourself to have an orgasm in a very precise way, just as guys often have problems having orgasms during penetration or head because they masturbate just so, or with the death grip. Try varying your masturbation habits. For example, if you tend to focus on the clitoris until you come, or always use a rotary motion instead of back and forth, try brushing and rubbing your labia instead, with occasional visits to your clit to top yourself up, until you find yourself coming. You may not even need direct stimulation at the end.
Are you quiet or noisy? If you hear yourself getting more excited, this may help you let go as it creates a kind of feedback loop. I find that if I let myself make a little more noise (it's not as if I talk to my neighbors anyway), I can take myself over the brink much more easily.
Have fun!
posted by rosebuddy at 12:18 PM on March 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
But OTOH, you may have trained yourself to have an orgasm in a very precise way, just as guys often have problems having orgasms during penetration or head because they masturbate just so, or with the death grip. Try varying your masturbation habits. For example, if you tend to focus on the clitoris until you come, or always use a rotary motion instead of back and forth, try brushing and rubbing your labia instead, with occasional visits to your clit to top yourself up, until you find yourself coming. You may not even need direct stimulation at the end.
Are you quiet or noisy? If you hear yourself getting more excited, this may help you let go as it creates a kind of feedback loop. I find that if I let myself make a little more noise (it's not as if I talk to my neighbors anyway), I can take myself over the brink much more easily.
Have fun!
posted by rosebuddy at 12:18 PM on March 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
IANAW. I have no idea if the following may work for you. Possibly TMI, but this is a sex question.
That being said, I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months, and over about a 6 month period somewhere in there, I weaned myself off of masturbation and pornography. I was the "death grip" masturbator you read about on Savage Love or hear on Loveline every so often. I would have difficulty coming to orgasm during intercourse, due to loss of sensitivity, long-running resulting self-esteem issues as a result, etc. On second and third sessions it was 50/50 if I would come at all, with the erection fluctuating the entire time. I would often find myself coming close, losing the momentum, and then having to bang away for an extra 20 minutes to even come close again. To lose like that was really crushing at times.
I slowed the frequency of my masturbation, and then stopped masturbating at all. Since then, I'm at 100% all day, with my sensitivity and pleasure increased .. at least by 10. It's really pretty amazing what you can feel and experience once you stop beating the piss out of your genitals in your private time. I've expressed to my girlfriend (who, before, was really generous about enduring our sometimes marathon-like sex) that these days it feels so intense, like she's pushing me over the edge without me even needing to think about it or try and there's no pressure anymore. And it's great.
I have no idea if going cold turkey would do the same thing for another guy, or for a girl. But it can't hurt to try...?
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:38 PM on March 10, 2008
That being said, I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months, and over about a 6 month period somewhere in there, I weaned myself off of masturbation and pornography. I was the "death grip" masturbator you read about on Savage Love or hear on Loveline every so often. I would have difficulty coming to orgasm during intercourse, due to loss of sensitivity, long-running resulting self-esteem issues as a result, etc. On second and third sessions it was 50/50 if I would come at all, with the erection fluctuating the entire time. I would often find myself coming close, losing the momentum, and then having to bang away for an extra 20 minutes to even come close again. To lose like that was really crushing at times.
I slowed the frequency of my masturbation, and then stopped masturbating at all. Since then, I'm at 100% all day, with my sensitivity and pleasure increased .. at least by 10. It's really pretty amazing what you can feel and experience once you stop beating the piss out of your genitals in your private time. I've expressed to my girlfriend (who, before, was really generous about enduring our sometimes marathon-like sex) that these days it feels so intense, like she's pushing me over the edge without me even needing to think about it or try and there's no pressure anymore. And it's great.
I have no idea if going cold turkey would do the same thing for another guy, or for a girl. But it can't hurt to try...?
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:38 PM on March 10, 2008
I agree with sys req. You should masturbate while he is having sex with you, to help you climax. And the right boyfriend might be able to make you feel relaxed enough to climax eventually, especially if he does stuff like puts your hand down there during sex to make you feel comfy doing it. It seems that some people think too much during sex or something. It's possible that not masturbating on your own for a while could help, as you suggest....
posted by albatross5000 at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2008
posted by albatross5000 at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2008
Give these lil buggers a try.
They're pretty sweet, and maybe not having ANY hand will let you forget about any troubles and just enjoy yourself.
Has he ever tried oral and digital?
Those two tactics are pretty solid. Give your guy guidance, let him know when it feels good and when it feels not so good-just be gentle with the "not so good", we men can be sensitive.
posted by whiskey point at 6:19 PM on March 11, 2008
They're pretty sweet, and maybe not having ANY hand will let you forget about any troubles and just enjoy yourself.
Has he ever tried oral and digital?
Those two tactics are pretty solid. Give your guy guidance, let him know when it feels good and when it feels not so good-just be gentle with the "not so good", we men can be sensitive.
posted by whiskey point at 6:19 PM on March 11, 2008
First off you are totally NORMAL! It is very difficult for many women to orgasm during simple vaginal/penile intercourse
Secondly be sure not to put too much pressure on yourself, if you go into sex with ORGASM as the goal you may be missing out on some other awesome stuff.
Thirdly it is easier to have an orgasm after you have already had one. If you make toy play (or what ever you do to masturbate) to the point of orgasm part of your foreplay it will be eaiser for you to have another one during intercouse
Keep in mind there are two main kind of female orgasms...
1. Clitoral (externals and NOT usually stimulated during heterosexual intercourse)
2. G-Spot (NOT MYTHICAL, it is located on the upper vaginal wall 0.25-1.5 in in the vaginal canal)
There are clitoral and g-spot products which you can purchase to stimulate you during intercourse too.
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 9:05 PM on February 4, 2009
Secondly be sure not to put too much pressure on yourself, if you go into sex with ORGASM as the goal you may be missing out on some other awesome stuff.
Thirdly it is easier to have an orgasm after you have already had one. If you make toy play (or what ever you do to masturbate) to the point of orgasm part of your foreplay it will be eaiser for you to have another one during intercouse
Keep in mind there are two main kind of female orgasms...
1. Clitoral (externals and NOT usually stimulated during heterosexual intercourse)
2. G-Spot (NOT MYTHICAL, it is located on the upper vaginal wall 0.25-1.5 in in the vaginal canal)
There are clitoral and g-spot products which you can purchase to stimulate you during intercourse too.
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 9:05 PM on February 4, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yeah, stop thinking about it so much and just relax.
posted by booticon at 11:21 AM on March 10, 2008