How do I recognize when a gal is interested in me?

March 2, 2008 8:54 PM

How do I recognize when a gal is interested in me?

On several occasions I've had guy friends remark to me that "she was totally into you, why didn't you do anything?" and that's got me thinking that maybe I'm not too good at picking up on signals. Looking back, I realize that every relationship I've been in started with a mutual friend and slowly turned into something once I responded to a bit of (obvious?) flirting. None of that whole love at first sight thing. Lately I find myself single, and when out and about at the grocery store, library, bar, etc. I've had friends point out some apparent love interest that I missed. I've read that guys tend to mistake politeness for romantic interest, but what about the reverse? How do I spot that spark when talking it up a the bar or waiting in line at the store? Am I hard to get or just dense?

posted by waxboy to human relations (17 comments total)

I had the same issue. My radar for detecting a girl's interest was virtually non-existent. In hindsight, here's what I now realize were the indicators. If you answer "yes" to any of these then there is a good chance she is flirting.

- Is she going out of her way to talk to you?
- Have her friends suddenly disappeared so the two of you can talk alone?
- Is she smiling more than a normal person would smile?
- Is she "accidentally" making physical contact with you?
- Is she doing blatantly obvious stuff that dense guys like us don't understand like giving you a phone number?
- Is she getting out of the swimming pool specifically to come over and have a drink with you? (Dammit! I was really stupid on that one.).

As a side note, you'll want to learn to pick on these because when you are eventually dating a girl she will know when another girl is flirting with you. And you have to be astute enough to get yourself out of situations that would invoke your girl's jealousy. As I am a previous frequent occupant of the doghouse you can't ignore this advice.

Tangentially, I've read in other threads where girls that are into a guy sometimes go out of their way to completely ignore said guy. So who knows. It works oppositely sometimes. Maybe you need to become the "hunter" instead of the "hunted" to understand that mindset more.
posted by quadog at 9:12 PM on March 2 [6 favorites]

I've read in other threads where girls that are into a guy sometimes go out of their way to completely ignore said guy.

okay, as a girl, i'm going to just have to say lame. do you really want to be with that kind of girl? ugh.
posted by violetk at 9:51 PM on March 2

do you really want to be with that kind of girl? ugh.

Depends, is she hot? :)

(I'm joking, but that is kinda how men think, mostly.)
posted by aeschenkarnos at 10:19 PM on March 2

- Is she going out of her way to talk to you?
- Have her friends suddenly disappeared so the two of you can talk alone?

These two are massive

Also huge did she just remind you she is without male companionship?
"My boyfriend is out of town"
"Will you walk me home?"

Perhaps chauvanistic but really put your head in the game. Think on that level. Constantly make it a part of your thinking when your with a girl. Human interactions are highly emotionally charged if you make an effort to feel out that spectrum, you begin to form judgments on what other people are thinking that become more and more functionally correct. Part of the issue is you never wondered what she was thinking. If you want to approach this from a more technical perspective, you should study body language.
posted by Rubbstone at 11:50 PM on March 2 [1 favorite]

do you really want to be with that kind of girl? ugh.

Depends, is she hot? :)

(I'm joking, but that is kinda how men think, mostly.)

More seriously, if *my*/*our* ability to communicate this sort of thing is bad, we can hardly hold it against her (nyuk nyuk nyuk) if she feels similarly, no?
posted by spaceman_spiff at 11:59 PM on March 2

Look for different behavour around you than the girl in question shows around over people. If it isn't obviously negative, it may be a sign of atractedness.
I can also confirm the ignoring thing. There once was a girl who was always hugging everyone (is hugging the word, it was more like putting the arms around one, like you do with your loved one, I just can't find the english word). She acted differentiated around me. Turns out she was atracted to me.
to prove you wrong aeschenkarnos: I didn't hook up with her, but she was smoking hot. Just to anoying.
posted by kall at 1:53 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

Maybe I can simplify? Eye contact for more than a moment = interested.
posted by rokusan at 3:14 AM on March 3

Maybe I can simplify? Eye contact for more than a moment = interested.

???????

I mean, I get what you're saying, but it's generally considered polite to maintain eye contact when talking to someone.

Eye contact for more than a moment = probably doesn't have Asperger's.
posted by 1 at 4:56 AM on March 3 [4 favorites]

In defense of girls who avoid dudes they are interested in (because I can be one of them, on occasion) - sometimes it is intended as a way to not be completely f'ing obvious. I realize this doesn't help you in your situation, but for a girl who is wary of appearing to be an utter buffoon over a guy, sometimes the only apparent recourse is to try your damndest to seem not all THAT interested, because the alternative is to fall all over yourself laughing at his jokes.

Note: laughing at your jokes - also a good sign.

I agree with the comment stating that you should try and compare her behavior around you to her behavior around other people. If she seems to be smiling more, laughing more at your wit, and leaning into you/closer to you than with anyone else, those are excellent signs. Also, teasing commentary is a hallmark from me, at least.

Perhaps if you're out with your guy friends in one of these scenarios and you have the opportunity to pull one of them aside for a second, you can check your findings. "Do you think she's into me? I've noticed X and Z, but I'm not sure."
posted by dorothy humbird at 8:21 AM on March 3

I am also super dense about picking up attraction but have gotten better. Little things like just the fact she touches you on the arm can be a sign especially if you notice that she doesn't do the same to other males regularly. If it's a work situation dropping by your work space regularly is another.
posted by Carbolic at 9:34 AM on March 3

it all gets so damn complicated¡ how did i know girlfriend x was interested in me? cause she frowned (no, *scowled*) at me the first time she met?

well, she did, but eventually i figured it out regardless.

oddly, there's something useful about just assuming *every girl you meet* is interested in you, and just going ahead and asking for her phone number if you think she's attractive enough to warrant asklng for it.

it's a sort of a zen thing, but if you truely believe that, many girls will just somehow fall into your worldview, assume they're attracted to you, and at least give you their phone number to give you a shot at proving they're right.


- Is she going out of her way to talk to you?
- Have her friends suddenly disappeared so the two of you can talk alone?
- Is she "accidentally" making physical contact with you?
- Note: laughing at your jokes - also a good sign.

if you can't get into the whole zen of pickup thing, these are good clues that she's already attracted to you and you might see if you can take it further.
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:28 AM on March 3

oh, and i forgot - look at her eyes! it's hard to narrow down to specfic things like dialated pupils, but that's part of it... but there's definitely this eye/pupil thing that happens when a woman is thinking about jumping in the sack with you (might not be when she first meets you, but it might not take that long either...) look for it. let your natural human instincts jump in when you see it, dont let your intellectual side talk your instinctual side out of acting on the impulse...
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:35 AM on March 3

do you really want to be with that kind of girl? ugh.

Personally, if I try to flirt with a guy and feel like he's unresponsive to this, I tend to try to not pay to much attention to him after that just so I don't inadvertently end up harassing him and making everyone uncomfortable. I don't see how it would be so wonderful and not-ugh to continue throwing myself at someone who obviously isn't interested. After all, I'm inclined to think guys who keep after me when I don't want to talk to them are, well, ugh.
posted by yohko at 1:53 PM on March 3

A lot of times, if you need to ask the question, chances are that the girl is interested.

If she's not, then the worst that can happen is a little awkwardness and a story you can laugh about later.
posted by reenum at 2:44 PM on March 3

- Have her friends suddenly disappeared so the two of you can talk alone?

haha! classic! i was expecting just a whole bunch of "accidental" body contact things, but that's pure gold. i was witnessing that exact thing just the other week, killing time with some backpackers on a work trip. except in that case, it was all the guys who invented some kind of pretext for leaving - a game of pool, or something.

Also huge: did she just remind you she is without male companionship?

there's a converse to that, too: girls will very frequently "casually" mention their boyfriend - if they have one - in conversation to signal UNavailability, and it stands out like a sore thumb: "You like The Royal Tenenbaums? Really? My boyfriend I only just saw it last week!"

having said that, i'm almost wilfully oblivious to these kinds of things, so much so that girlfriends have commented that they spent frustrated months semaphoring their interest before making an overt move themselves. perhaps the funniest example:

"hey, can you come over & give me some advice on my essay?"

[later] "hey, it would be a disturbance if my housemates came home during our study; let's do it in my room" [goes upstairs & sits on bed]

Ubu: * talks about Constitutional Law for a while; goes home. Thinks "what a sweet & pretty girl, it'd be nice if she fancied me!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:32 PM on March 3

It she is talking to you one on one for more than 10 to 15 minutes I would definitely start looking a little closer at the situation. Also, if she just happens to be where you and your friends are or seems to always just bump into at a party you are both at or the all time classic move of inviting you back to her place to "watch a movie...." or with a modern twist "to watch the new episode of Lost on tivo."
posted by whoaali at 7:29 PM on March 3

"You like The Royal Tenenbaums? Really? My boyfriend I only just saw it last week!"

*winces*
posted by YoBananaBoy at 9:43 PM on March 3