How to Get What I Want
February 21, 2012 6:52 AM Subscribe
How do I, an early-30's woman, get what I want when it comes to dating and sex?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I would really love some advice about dating and sex. It seems I can never get what I want. I know that's an old refrain, and there might not be anything I can do about it. But if there is something I can do, I would really like to know.
My situation is like this: everyone I like is unavailable in some way; the guys that like me and are available, I just never get enthusiastic about. I usually give these guys more than one chance- go out a few times, etc. I just don't want to prolong things if I am not feeling it. Should I be prolonging things more?
I'm a pretty romantic and emotional person, and I really want a connection with a partner. However, at the same time, I am somewhat of a free spirit and not really looking to get tied into a commitment unless I know it's really right. In the meantime, I still would like to have a sexual partner. But I DON'T want to have meaningless or bad sex. (I'd rather have nothing). I just don't know at all how to go about finding this kind of arrangement. I don't want a "fuck buddy", yet I don't necessarily need a commitment. But I have no idea how to signal to a man that I am not an easy, casual hookup while at the same time I want to have sex. part of the issue is that I live in a pretty sexually conservative country (where I am not originally from).
I am wondering if anyone with experience can give me some tips. Should I flirt more? Are there certain places I should go? I know that part of the problem is my shyness. But I don't know how to get over that.
FWIW, I think I am decently attractive, and sometimes get approached by guys (but I never feel attracted to them when I am, sigh). I wouldn't mind approaching guys myself, but again, how?
Also, I am on an online dating site in this country, but it is really a lot to weed through and I can't get a good sense of what the guys are like, partly because the site is not in English. I'd much prefer to meet people in person.
Also...is it ok to hang out with guys romantically interested in me, as "friends"? Or is that not fair to them?
BTW- This is not a temporary or new situation. I have never had a romantic relationship lasting more than a couple months.
I hope my question is clear. I was hoping others who have been in this situation and found their way out would have a few words of advice.