What advice would you give me if there might still be a chance?
April 15, 2013 1:14 AM   Subscribe

I’ve had a small crush on a co worker that later turned into a pretty big one. It’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t get her off my mind and it was hard focusing on school work. I’m 25 and haven’t had much dating experience. In my younger years, middle school throughout high school, I had self esteem issues with being overweight and then with acne. I’ve come here seeking advice from a wide verity of experiences of both genders. I found a similar case to mine on here and found the answers very useful so I hope to get great advice from this community. I apologize in advance for a long winded background story but I wanted to make sure I get enough information out to aid you guys.

Background:

The small crush began a few months after she moved from out of state and started working where I worked. She’s 23 with a 7 year old son. Over the next 2 years it grew substantially. It kind of seemed like she had a crush on me. The first time we went to the movies with friends, she just sat next to me. We would talk here and there; at work or on facebook(boarder lining flirting at times but maybe not, I’m clueless). From the beginning she would always say hi to me at work when we first see each other but strangely she rarely said bye. At group activities with friends, she would always advert her attention to me when I was trying to talk. I figured her saying hi and this behavior was because she was new in the state and she was just being friendly.

Unfortunately, our jobs as student hires were coming to an end due to budget cuts on a military base. On the second last Sunday of work, I noticed that during the down time at work she didn't really talk to anyone and looked like she was thinking a lot. My buddy J was at the register next to her but they didn't really talk. I don't think she was mad at him because we all went to his place later for game night. On breaks, she would come to my register and get her food and we have a little chat every time. That day she didn't have much make-up on and had a Santa hat and red sweater. That night at J's, she kind of dressed up, did her hair and had make up. Two of my buddies were saying that most of the night she had her attention on me. I didn't do anything about it; I think I should have though. At the time, my mind set was that there’s no way she’d go out with me. A few others also noticed it too because on the last day of work, we went to Dave n Busters for our friend M’s birthday party. J and M were talking about how it seemed that she has a thing for me because of game night the week before and suggested to do something. It was a bit awkward because there were two couples and then there me and her. During the night she would be at my side while playing games at times. But I never made any moves.

Later on the night, J drank quite a few and kept telling me that I needed her in my life and how I need to get in that s*** (his exact words haha). Well at one point, she was right behind him facing the opposite direction and J's loud mouth blabbered on about that so I think she heard. When he said that I just basically just turned around and walked the other way. I feel like I handled that immaturely to be honest.

I feel like since then she's been keeping her distance because on New year’s, she would hang around J's girlfriend most of the night when we went to 16th street mall. My friend K was saying it’s because J had a friend from Spain that he had to keep company and that's why she hung around J's girlfriend to keep her company because that's what girls do I guess. On the last day of work she invited me and some friends to go see The Hobbit so the next day we all went and saw it. Same thing happened, she seemed distant. I talked to K about this whole thing and suggested that I go ask her to coffee and then ask her out. I had a plan to ask her a few questions over the phone about something then bring up getting some coffee. Unfortunately, I felt like there was something wrong about it and just didn’t feel right so I froze right before asking her for coffee. A few days later, as a last resort thing to ask her out, I invited her, J’s gf, and K and his girlfriend to an event that my and my friends participate in for Capoeira. I honestly didn’t expect her and J’s gf to come but they all did. By the end of it, I decided not to ask her out that night for some reason.

At that time, she was just finishing her ‘last semester’ and it was time for her to start her internship. The internship was the last part required for her to graduate. She told me that she had to work roughly 40 hours a week and on top of that she has to take care of her son. Her internship lasted about 12 weeks. During this time, I hadn’t seen her or even chatted with her on facebook; except for the occasional comments on statuses. Obviously she was busy with her internship so I didn’t expect much. In March, I had a little birthday get together and invited her. She said she’d go if her mom could watch her kid. Her mom works for the store we worked at but she stocks so she works the night shift. Fortunately, there was a blizzard that day and the store closed and she was able to make it that night. It kind of seemed like it God planned for her to come haha. Something that was in the back of my mind is that on the night of Dave and Busters, I saw her mom working. I assume that maybe she left her kid asleep at home and went out or perhaps she found a babysitter at the last minute. I was thinking maybe she didn’t have as much effort to come as she did that DnB night? I know to never assume, it makes you look like an ass.

Something that might be worth mentioning is that she posted something about where are all the single guys in this state. On my birthday my aunt comment on my status saying how at 25, my dad had me and if I would be ready to start a family now. I said no, I have to finish school first. She commented on that status as well so she knows that I want to focus on school before even getting into a relationship. Since then, she hasn’t mention anything about wanting to find single guys or what not.

Now it has been about four months since that game night and she’s graduated and now works at the place she interned. This is good news for me because in the past she mentioned of moving to another city after she graduates.

My friend T analyzed my situation nicely and has really opened my eyes. He told me that I should’ve asked her out the night at Dave and Busters and now would be a little too late. So he suggested I ask her to get coffee. I think this time would be perfect since we hadn’t seen each other in awhile so we can catch up. I managed to find the courage to text her to get coffee two weeks ago. I basically told her that I missed talking to her face and asked if she’d like to get coffee the next week. She responded by saying she misses me and said she has to check her schedule but unfortunately she had to work till 8 all week. So I told her that whenever she has time and if she still wants to get coffee to let me know and hopefully it won’t conflict with my classes. She asked for my schedule and she said that we might have to do this when her son leaves to go visit some family. I didn’t ask her when that might be but I assume when school get out. As mentioned before, I pretty much hadn’t done anything to show her that I’m interested. I was hoping that this coffee thing would show that I am interested. She did mention that a friend/old co worker also asked her to get coffee. L is married and is a strong Christian. I thought to myself that by her mentioning this kind of dumbed down my intentions? My friend T’s opinion is that maybe she wants something more than coffee. He says to still go do coffee but ask her out then. She and I are in a little walking dead chat with a few of our friends and recently we’ve been talking on there like before so that’s good. Maybe it’s because I showed her some interest by asking her to coffee?

I want to first see how the coffee goes and if it good, I guess I’ll just ask her out. When the time come to asking her, I’ve thought about just straight out asking her out on a date for dinner at some sushi restaurant. T suggested asking what kind of food she likes and go on from there.

So what do you think? What advice would you give me? Do you think my chances are gone? Am I friend zoned? Do you think she is keeping her distance or I'm just over thinking? Think she's doing it for a reason because maybe she thinks she’s in the friend zone with me? Or was she giving me space due to my reaction to what J said at DnB?

Thank you in advance for reading such a novel haha.
posted by uberkrn to Human Relations (21 answers total)
 
Ask her on a date. That is all you have to do.

Say, "I'm going to miss seeing you around the place, would you like to go on a coffee date some time?"
posted by taff at 1:33 AM on April 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Call her. Ask her out. See what she says.
posted by pompomtom at 1:35 AM on April 15, 2013


Best answer: You remind me of myself in my early 20s - looking for the perfect way to ask someone out, entailing the least risk of rejection, and procrastinating my opportunities away in the process.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter *how* you ask someone out. This girl either likes you or not, and there are no magic words that will make her think differently.

I think your odds are good, based on what you've written here. It does sound as though she likes you. Go ahead and ask her out, and make sure it's fairly obvious that you're asking her on a date. If she says yes, great! If not, you can stop torturing yourself and move on.

You sound like a sweet guy. Good luck, I hope this works out for you.
posted by RubyScarlet at 1:41 AM on April 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


Best answer: Okay, here's the thing. If I was your lady-crush in this scenario:

Later on the night, J drank quite a few and kept telling me that I needed her in my life and how I need to get in that s*** (his exact words haha). Well at one point, she was right behind him facing the opposite direction and J's loud mouth blabbered on about that so I think she heard. When he said that I just basically just turned around and walked the other way. I feel like I handled that immaturely to be honest.

...I would be extremely unimpressed. I know your friend said it, not you, but still, dude. You're adults now, not teenagers. Next time someone talks about a woman like that, quietly shut them down. Give respect and you'll get respect.

She's a 23-year-old with a 7-year-old kid? Who she's raising alone? She's probably had to grow up pretty fast. She might, in fact, think you are too immature for her.

After throwing out that worst-case scenario (sorry, just being honest) - yes, just ask her the heck out already. Say what taff said. Rip the bandaid off, it's the only way you're going to know. We can't tell you anything from that wall of text. Good luck!!
posted by Salamander at 1:52 AM on April 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


I am really sorry that this is so patronising, but I have such an overwhelming urge to hunt you down and give you a great big hug! You have worked this up into such a Big Thing. Breathe. It sounds like she likes you but only she knows for sure, so I think you're right to go for coffee, and then ask her out for dinner. I can totally empathise with the lack of self-esteem due to weight/acne. Its hard not to be that person even when you're not that person any more. But it can be a good thing too, as you know what its like for things not to come easy to you. And having a child so young I'm sure she's had her share of hard times too. Just relax and see where it goes, and worst case scenario if she just wants to be friends - you can be proud that you took a risk and pushed yourself out of your comfort zone. But I also hope it works out for you. Good luck!
posted by billiebee at 1:53 AM on April 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: What advice would you give me if there might still be a chance?

Ask her out NOW. Or I mean, after you get coffee is fine but it sounds like it might be one of those things that just doesn't end up happening, or she might meet someone while you are still planning your perfect move.

My friend T analyzed my situation nicely and has really opened my eyes. He told me that I should’ve asked her out the night at Dave and Busters and now would be a little too late.

No, he's wrong about that. It's not too late at all.

Do you think she is keeping her distance or I'm just over thinking?

Definitely overthinking. I read your whole backstory and the main relevance of doing that was to look for any obvious "no I am not interested, leave me alone" signals from her. I didn't see any. Other than that, I totally think you are reading in things and overthinking based on a lot of nothing. Neither you nor any of us will be able to figure out if she is into you or not based on the details you gave, like which nights she wore makeup or didn't, etc. You will need to ask her out to find out.

maybe she thinks she’s in the friend zone with me?

Could very well be.

Or was she giving me space due to my reaction to what J said at DnB?

Maybe, but don't bring up that incident and remind her of J's immature and crass way of phrasing things.

Just quit dawdling around and ask her out.

Oh, and offer to pay for a babysitter when you do it.
posted by cairdeas at 2:12 AM on April 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


(p.s. Aww, I feel a bit harsh now. Sorry for the mom-lecture, but I still think it needed to be said. That aside, yes, it does sound like you have a chance! :) Also, what cairdeas said.)
posted by Salamander at 2:16 AM on April 15, 2013


Best answer: Too many words. Ask her out. If she says no, it's not the end of the world. Just go on to the next crush. There is no such thing as the perfect girl or the perfect date or the perfect way to ask someone out. There are three billion people in the world. This girl is not your last chance for happiness.

To be honest, though, she should really be dating someone who has his shit together a little more than you. I don't think you're ready to deal with a kid, given that you can't even manage to ask this girl out.

Sorry, that probably came out worse than I meant. I really mean to say you should probably be dating someone who is more at your point in life.
posted by empath at 2:18 AM on April 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Oh by the way, just a quick tip:

Later on the night, J drank quite a few and kept telling me that I needed her in my life and how I need to get in that s***

If you ever find yourself in that situation again, say something like this: "Hey man, first of all, I really need you to talk about her with a lot more respect."

Half the girls within earshot will get insta-crushes on you...
posted by cairdeas at 2:25 AM on April 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


Single young moms have to be careful in ways you aren't even imagining yet. I vote for leaving it be and getting some practice with an unencumbered partner.
posted by spitbull at 3:02 AM on April 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: First I must apologize for inaccurate info. When she was behind J, I remember, because it was a stressful event, that he only said, "dude! You need her in your life man! " For the most part, he made sure she wasn't around when he was babbling about how I need to get in that s*** and stuff. Unfortunately he didn't see her that one time.

Salamander, don't be sorry. I take these advices as constructive criticism. :)

Empath, I appreciate your input. Honestly, I'd have to agree with you when you said that she should be dating someone who has their stuff together more better than me. I understand that in her point of life may be far ahead of mine, however, I feel like I have a good understanding of the responsibilities she's going through due to the fact that I've grown up with a younger sister(23) who's handicapped(cerebral palsy). I had to sacrifice a lot growing up just to help out my parents. I'm more than willing to compensate for her kid. Its just the whole dating thing is new for me considering my past issues. I've out grown them now and ready to face new challenges. But I will never know how things will turn out if I don't ask her out. haha

Thank you all for answers for far. I really appreciate them! Please keep them coming!
posted by uberkrn at 3:25 AM on April 15, 2013


Best answer: Its just the whole dating thing is new for me considering my past issues.

Never overestimate the specialness of your snowflake. A zillion people who were socially awkward and fat and had acne and were teased and bullied pulled their shit together as adults and went on to have normal healthy relationships. I realise dating is new for you but don't fall into the trap of "Everybody else has got this but not me because $snowflake!"

Yes, ask her out for coffee and be explicit that it's a date. The worst thing she can say is no. Either way you give yourself points for putting on your Big Boy Pants and doing something that is yes, hard and requires putting yourself out there. Dating is a numbers game and developing the confidence to get through multiple rejections is what partially inoculates you from the 3,000 daily questions we get from people trapped in miserable relationships because they're convinced nobody else will ever want them.

Also stop saying "haha." It just diminishes what you've said; it's OK to say serious things.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:42 AM on April 15, 2013 [10 favorites]


This is a USE YOUR WORDS situation. Women are not a mysterious separate species who need to be studied from a distance; you are allowed to talk to them directly and ask them on dates.
posted by ook at 6:09 AM on April 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I feel like you're not going to take this advice, but just ask her our. I mean explicitly ask her out. Ask her if she would like to go on a date. You can plan and anticipate all you want, but interacting with other people is unpredictable. At some point you just have to take the leap.

If you do meet up with her and you are not explicit about your intentions, you will ask another question in a week. That may happen anyway, but the more you are up front the less I think you will have to guess.

Are you prepared to date a girl who has a child? You said you don't want "a relationship" and you need to finish school. Has that changed? Were you just saying that?
posted by mrs. taters at 7:24 AM on April 15, 2013


Best answer: Oh jeez. You are so wrapped around the axle about this.

She's a person, you're a person. If you like her, ask her out.

You're working yourself up into a froth over this. She said this, my friend said that, she sat next to me at the movie....none of it is important.

If you like someone, and you want to date them, ask that person out. It's really WAY more simple than you're making it out to be.

"I like you, you're fun, I'd like to take you to dinner." That's all you have to say. If she says "no?" No harm, no foul. You've got yourself all bajiggity about this for no reason.

In the time you've known her, you could have dated her for real, and discovered that she's nice, but not for you. Or you could have discovered that you're soulmates, destined to be partnered up in all of your lifetimes.

You've got everything so out of proportion now, that in your head, your world revolves around her completely.

Get your head out of the clouds and ask the girl. Done and done.

Next time, just be cool and ask.

Keerist.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:39 AM on April 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


She's 23 with a 7 year old kid. You're 25. You have no relationship experience.

The most important part of this is the 7 year old. I just don't think you should have a relationship with her. You seem really immature and inexperienced and you could complicate things for her and her kid.
posted by discopolo at 10:16 AM on April 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Best answer: When your thoughts are going round and round in a tangled circle like this, just think: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Anything worth doing is worth the prospect of rejection and embarrassment. Just do it. After which, we will be either enjoying our success or learning to do things better next time.

Don't let fear stop you from living your life. Ask her out already.
posted by enlivener at 10:46 AM on April 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Are you prepared to date a girl who has a child?
Probably not prepared but I'm willing to try.

You said you don't want "a relationship" and you need to finish school. Has that changed? Were you just saying that?
That didn't change, however, sometimes plans don't always go as one would like. As mentioned before, I think about her a lot with no resolution and I want that end.

Thanks all for your input. They've really put things into perspective.

One of the main reasons why I've waited was because of her internship. It didn't seem like she had a lot of time to even be dating so I backed off; as in not asking her out.

Do you guys think that was a bad move? Should I just ask anyway, despite what she told me about her busy lifestyle?
posted by uberkrn at 8:43 AM on April 16, 2013


Do you guys think that was a bad move? Should I just ask anyway, despite what she told me about her busy lifestyle?

Ask her out, unambiguously, and if she says no, leave her the hell alone. And if she says yes, good for you!
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:15 AM on April 16, 2013


Response by poster: I did ask her to get some coffee awhile back; just waiting until we both have some time. Depending on how that goes, I may ask her out then. Like some said, it may be one of those things that might not end up happening. Perhaps for the better. Since it would be a big step to go for someone with a kid as a beginner; also something some have said.

With a new job and time apart, the feelings seem to have decayed so I can concentrate on other things now. All in all, I screwed up and will take this as a learning experience and move on.

Thank you everyone for your time and input, I really appreciate it.
posted by uberkrn at 6:00 PM on May 4, 2013


I honestly don't think you screwed up. There is not a magic sequence if actions you can do that will unlock a 'dating' option for every woman you meet. Might have just been a bad time or a bad match or whatever.
posted by empath at 8:44 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


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