I do not think i am wrong. Am I?

February 4, 2008 10:36 AM

Insane-seeming relationship jealousy. Who is the crazy one here? Multiple questions.

I know, relationship filter. Against my better judgment i started seeing a guy who is the reason why my long term relationship ended, more or less. Because we were better friends than anything else, i am lucky (i think) that my ex and the surrounding circle of our mutual friends still like me and want to be friendly. So civil, normal, kind, mature. The new guy flips out on me every weekend with some new thing about never being able to trust me and how he would like me to stop seeing my ex and everyone he is associated with (ie all my friends). No more than twice i week ill go to shows, dinner etc with ex & friends. Obviously this is totally off base right? Ive isolated myself somewhat after my breakup and obviously my friends would tell me that he is acting crazy and i feel like hes acting irrational but he seems to try to want to convince me that i need to see it from his perspective and that if the tables were reversed i would feel the same way. I highly doubt this. What is he doing to me? If he really likes me as much as he is saying why would he want me to give up everyone ive come to love in the past years? He also exhibits jealousy towards guys at parties, male friends, co-workers, and even gay guys. Is this dating? i havent done it in years. Are these the mythical "red-flags" of dating Is there something mentally wrong with him? Ive only known him 2 months and he wants to abolish my history & livelyhood.

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

Red flags. Walk.
posted by Partial Law at 10:38 AM on February 4, 2008

Seriously, tell him to fuck off.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:40 AM on February 4, 2008 [4 favorites]

Don't walk. Run.
posted by bolognius maximus at 10:41 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

DTMFA
posted by sunshinesky at 10:42 AM on February 4, 2008

Red flags and warning sirens and klaxons.
Sprint. Don't walk or run.
posted by mmascolino at 10:42 AM on February 4, 2008

These are among the more red and furiously waving of red flags.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:43 AM on February 4, 2008 [6 favorites]

While I am an advocate of not hanging out with ex whatevers, this guys seems like a nut. Break off all contact with him and count yourself lucky that you discovered that he was a nutjob so early on.
posted by milarepa at 10:43 AM on February 4, 2008

Is he invited to these twice weekly outings? If so, is he made to feel welcome? If the answer is yes to both questions then he is definitely way off base. But, if he isn't welcome then his reaction seems a bit more sensible, especially if he thinks your ex might want to get you back.
Of course, either way you are entitled to have your friends and to do things without him.

Basically, while I think that it's perfectly normal for him to feel jealous, his level of jealousy seems a bit extreme. It's not normal, nor healthy, for him to expect you to become a recluse in order to assuage his jealousy.
posted by oddman at 10:44 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think it's very strange that your new boyfriend is jealous about the time you spend hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. He probably worries that you still care about your ex too much to really commit to your new relationship. It's not very normal for someone to leave a relationship after a few years and still be able to hang out with their ex like an old, platonic friend. I wouldn't blame him for being a little uncomfortable with that.

Now, with that said...

The rest you have to say about his behavior does not seem normal. It's one thing to be jealous of an ex after you just broke up; it's another to be jealous about anyone who has anything in common with the ex. This is not normal dating behavior. This is controlling, immature behavior. Some jealousy about an ex you recently broke up with is understandable, I'd say, but everything else you describe is, yes, a red-flag. It's good that you are aware of it. At the very least, you should talk to him. Understand what your boundaries are and what demands of his you are not willing to meet. Then stick to it.

What someone once told me is that a good relationship is one in which the world opens up for you -- you learn new things, get new hobbies, have wonderful and enriching friends outside of the relationship. A bad relationship is one in which the world closes down--you lose friends, you stop participating in activities, you lose your hobbies, etc.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:45 AM on February 4, 2008 [13 favorites]

eek. i'd run away.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:50 AM on February 4, 2008

Have you talked to him about why he is getting so upset? It sounds like you have, but if not, you may want to mention that you feel he is being unfair about this.

keep in mind that often (but not always) the ones who are the most jealous and have trust issues are the ones who are or end up cheating. They can't trust you because they know that if they hung out with their ex, they'd be hooking up again.

This is a big red flag and the fire alarm is going off. But remember how in school during the fire drills they told you to be calm and not start panicky running around? The same is true here. It is a probably a good idea to leave the building, but remember that it could also be a false alarm.

(It sounds like a DTMFA situation but you never know. Did his last ex cheat on him? Does he want to hang out with some of your friends?)
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:57 AM on February 4, 2008

doesn't really matter if your new bfs behavior falls within the range of normal. What matters is that you are uncomfortable with some aspects of his behavior at a time when you should be reveling in the creampuffyness of a new relationship. It doesn't sound like you two are meshing well together. I would go find somebody else you can go be unhinderingly giddy about.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:06 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wait, does he know that you broke up with ex to be with him? If so, he's perfectly right to be jealous! Well, as much as "jealousy" is a correct emotion, anyway. Think about it from his standpoint, twice a week might actually be a lot. The "all associated friends" thing might be a bit harsh, but since you describe your outings as "ex & friends," it makes it sound like it's all or nothing with you and so he might feel threatened by this UNIT OF FRIENDS THAT INCLUDES YOUR EX. It's about your ex, I'm betting, not the rest of the friends. That you refer to them as an indivisible group tells me the new guy might not be overreacting so much.

And why isn't new guy invited along? Would your ex tend to be jealous right back? Would you drop your ex as a friend if so, just like people are talking about you dropping this guy for being jealous of someone you already dated?
posted by rhizome at 11:07 AM on February 4, 2008

What someone once told me is that a good relationship is one in which the world opens up for you -- you learn new things, get new hobbies, have wonderful and enriching friends outside of the relationship. A bad relationship is one in which the world closes down--you lose friends, you stop participating in activities, you lose your hobbies, etc.

Ms. Saint has it.

These are the phrases in your question that raised red flags for me:

-Against my better judgment
-The new guy flips out on me every weekend...about never being able to trust me
-I've isolated myself somewhat
-Why would he want me to give up everyone I've come to love in the past years?
-He also exhibits jealousy towards guys at parties, male friends, co-workers, and even gay guys.
-I've only known him 2 months and he wants to abolish my history

Your nagging feelings are telling you something. You should listen to these nagging feelings.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:08 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

He's not "nuts", he has low self-esteem.. which is worse. DTMFA and put up your stalker shields. (Implement the Zero Contact Rule: Don't answer phone or reply to voice mails, no matter how desperate, don't reply to msgs/e-mails, etc. Cold, but effective.)
posted by LordSludge at 11:12 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wait so you left your ex to be with this new guy and then you're surprised that New Guy might entertain the possibility that you'd leave him to be with someone else?

Hello?

I don't see how that notion is so far-fetched -- considering... it already happened in his presense. Come on.
posted by travis vocino at 11:14 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

[Devil's Advocate]

Against my better judgment i started seeing a guy who is the reason why my long term relationship ended, more or less. ... i feel like hes acting irrational but he seems to try to want to convince me that i need to see it from his perspective

Do you mean he's the 'reason' you broke up with the ex, as in he's the guy that you broke up with your ex in order to date? If so, maybe he thinks that you'll be swept away from him just as easily as he swept you away from the ex. That in and of itself isn't entirely irrational; insecure maybe, but not irrational.

[/Devil's Advocate]
posted by CKmtl at 11:15 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Everyone's right, it seems like you should walk. But it's odd, and somewhat complex. There's more than you're saying.

anonymous: Against my better judgment i started seeing a guy who is the reason why my long term relationship ended, more or less.

Two things:

(1) "Against my better judgement I started seeing a guy..." never sounds good, no matter what comes next. Sounds like you want an excuse to leave. You don't need one from us. Look, if you're trying to be 'fair,' which it sounds like you are, you should know you don't have to. If you're trying to figure out if it's 'right' for you to leave him, then think about who you want to be with.

(2) "...who is the reason why my long term relationship ended, more or less." More or less? You don't say anything about what this means, but it sounds like it wasn't that the ex was jealous of this guy, so I presume (a) you wanted to date this guy and left your ex to do so, or (b) you cheated on your ex with this guy, and fell into a relationship with him after the old one ended. It sounds like it's (b). Either way, this is a reason why there will be jealousy. Any guy who is the reason why a relationship ends will have a hard time avoiding the fear that another guy will come along and end his.

You say later that you haven't dated in years, but you've only known this guy for two months, and your last relationship was long-term.

Moving along...

The new guy flips out on me every weekend with some new thing about never being able to trust me and how he would like me to stop seeing my ex and everyone he is associated with (ie all my friends). No more than twice i week ill go to shows, dinner etc with ex & friends. Obviously this is totally off base right? Ive isolated myself somewhat after my breakup and obviously my friends would tell me that he is acting crazy and i feel like hes acting irrational but he seems to try to want to convince me that i need to see it from his perspective and that if the tables were reversed i would feel the same way. I highly doubt this.

I'm just assuming, but it sounds like you cheated on your last boyfriend. He's paranoid that you'll do it again. But no, this isn't dating, this is just a dysfunctional relationship. Nothing is mentally wrong with him; he's just jealous. Love can overcome jealousy, but it sounds like, if he has it, you don't.

You're fresh off a long relationship. You need space, and you need time. You can date, but this isn't dating. Break up with him; it'll be good for him, too, although he probably doesn't know it yet. Do it as cleanly as possible, and don't try so hard to justify yourself to him-- that's a habit you've got after being with a long-term partner for years. Just walk.

Sounds like you know that already, though.
posted by koeselitz at 11:16 AM on February 4, 2008

Why do people ever bother with guys/girls like this? I'm guessing you're young, which means you have a ton of less psychotic alternatives. Get rid of this guy now and do not go back to him.
posted by Nelsormensch at 11:17 AM on February 4, 2008

These flags are so red, you're marching in a May Day celebration in communist-era Moscow.

Additionally...

Against my better judgment i started seeing a guy who is the reason why my long term relationship ended, more or less.

I assume this means he broke up your previous relationship in one way or another (i.e. you cheated on your last boyfriend, or at the very least you dumped your last boyfriend for this one), and I assume he knows this. In which case, given what else you say about his behavior, he's now cast you (unfairly) in an unwinnable position. Here's how the equation may run: you cheated on (and/or) left your previous SO for someone else (i.e., him), therfore you have proven that you could cheat on and/or leave him one day for someone else. In other words, he doesn't trust you, and to him, you gave him the reason to distrust you when you left your previous relationship for him in the first place.

Give this guy his walking papers, and spend some time being single for awhile -- your future dating life will be better for it.
posted by scody at 11:19 AM on February 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

Is this dating? ... Ive only known him 2 months and he wants to abolish my history & livelyhood.

For many people, that is how they do dating. I don't envy them, and I don't think this sort of dating is a good idea. The question is, is this how you want to do dating? If not, I think you need to DTMFA and do dating with someone else.
posted by yohko at 11:56 AM on February 4, 2008

These aren't "mythical red flags," these are the classic warning signs that this guy might be an abusive personality. Jealousy, controlling behavior, isolation, verbal abuse, quick involvement, blame-shifting for feelings -- you might check out this list for a more detailed explanation of these and other warning signs.

Trust your instincts, and start talking to your friends so you can get the support you need. This is only the first 2 months, and this guy is exhibiting some really serious bad behavior. It only escalates from here -- get out now.
posted by ourobouros at 1:29 PM on February 4, 2008

Yeah, it's kinda too bad you torpedoed your relationship with the guy who's still willing to hang out with you; he's probably all right. New guy sounds like a nut, even if as noted above a degree of jealousy re: you hanging out with your ex is understandable. Flee.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:30 PM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

if you left a long term relationship with a dude you still enjoy seeing to be with a complete asshole then it sounds like you have some problems too

but the dude is a dick - dump him

then do some introspection about why you made the decision you did

and if you find yourself going back to a relationship with the x, introspect somemore
posted by Salvatorparadise at 1:31 PM on February 4, 2008

Classic emotional abuse.
posted by herbaliser at 1:38 PM on February 4, 2008

Listen to your gut instinct and ditch this control freak. It will only get worse, not better.
posted by Daddy-O at 1:54 PM on February 4, 2008

Flags. Red. Dump.
posted by flabdablet at 4:22 PM on February 4, 2008

In general, my policy has always been: if you force me to choose, I don't choose you. This policy has always served me well.
posted by flabdablet at 4:23 PM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Aren't people supposed to be on their 'best behavior' during the first month or two of a new relationship? If this guy's 'best behavior' involves flipping out on you every weekend - regardless of the reason - then I certainly wouldn't want to see what he's like when he's more confident that he 'has' you and you won't leave, would you? Not to mention, that comment you made about how your ex and friends are all "So civil, normal, kind, mature" makes me assume you're thinking about them being that way in contrast to how this new person is ... and, you know, we ALL deserve to be with someone civil, kind, or mature - those seem like simple basic prerequisites, not even special extras that make one particular person better than all the rest. If New Guy can't even consistently demonstrate these most basic of normal adult qualities - well, count me in amongst all the other DTMFA votes just in case you still need any more.

Good luck to you; I hope your next relationship is one that gives you far more Reasons to Feel Silly and Happy than Concerns to be Querying the Ol' Hive Mind About.
posted by zeph at 5:01 PM on February 4, 2008

New guy sounds like a shithead, but then so do you for thinking it's OK to hang around with your ex. He's probably just worried you're going to cheat on him like you did on your ex or whatever in hooking up with him. Unless you didn't, in which case who knows.

More than the fact that he is a shithead, though, people who are sought from inside a relationship are rarely still desired once you're out of the relationship. He was a crutch. If you're better now lose it.
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 7:47 PM on February 4, 2008

Your friends and the things you like to do are a big part of who you are.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you for who you are? Do both of you a favor and end it.
posted by phearlez at 9:21 AM on February 5, 2008