Help us work out how we can live together

December 27, 2007 10:47 AM

Help us work out how we can live together

My boyfriend and I have finally decided we want to live together. Currently we both rent 2 bedroom apartments which are about half an hour away from each other.
We're in our late 30s and very used to having our own space. The decision to live together was tricky and protracted from both sides, but now we're sure, if a little nervous. We agree that it's better to move somewhere which is new for both of us rather than have one move into the other's territory (I guess this might seem kinda weird if you've managed to get to these significant decisions earlier in life. We're, um, late developers I guess, but better late than never, right?)

The real concern is that we both work from home, each one using their second bedroom as an office. We both love the fact that we no longer have to commute everyday. We work in different areas but we both find our working hours are very flexible, sometimes with swathes of free time, sometimes working until 3am.

We've talked a little bit about what we might need. As well as our shared bedroom, we agree that we each need some space of our own to work (and also just escape!), plus somewhere our families/friends can stay when they come from abroad, which we're hoping will be fairly regularly.

It turns out that renting a three or four bedroom apartment can be more expensive than renting 2 two-bedroom apartments (I guess something to do with the allowances which ex-pat families are given to spend on rent). Which might be better - one big place or two smaller ones? Has anyone got any tips on the pros and cons of, e.g., renting 2 apartments in the same block or street (if we can find them)? What might be a good way to use the space(s)?

Any suggestions/tips gratefully received.

posted by Marzipan to human relations (19 comments total)

I would think that the other bills that would accompany a second apartment would made it marginally more expensive than a single, larger unit.

You would need power, gas, water, possibly cable/satellite? internet, telephone, etc. Not to mention you would probably have to pay a second deposit on a second unit. Not to mention you'd probably want renters insurance on both places as well.

If you want to move on as a couple and take this next step, I cannot think of a single pro for having 2 different apartments.
posted by Industrial PhD at 11:03 AM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I suspect that many of the finer points will be specific to the city/country you're living in. You mention family visiting from abroad and ex-pat stipends jacking up rents, which makes me think you're outside the U.S. Where are you, Marzipan? It would also be helpful to know if non-apartment dwellings like houses, duplexes, houseboats, etc. are not part of your cityscape and thus not options.
posted by mumkin at 11:04 AM on December 27, 2007

Mumkin, just to add: We are in London. Houses and duplexes also an option.
Also, on the cost issue, as we are pooling our resources, we have a fair bit of flexibility. (Cost of e.g. 2 deposits is not a problem. Insurance on two places rather than one is negligible as London just requires contents insurance as the landlord is responsible for buildings insurance).
posted by Marzipan at 11:12 AM on December 27, 2007

Go find two more 2 bedroom apartments RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. This way, you guys have one apartment for sleeping and family and another for your offices. Since they're next door to each other, there's still no commute!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:13 AM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Have you looked into renting a house? Given your space wants/needs, it seems like a 4BR house might be a good way to go. I don't know where you are, so I don't know whether that's economically feasible, but it is worth considering.

Renting two separate apartments, same block or otherwise, is not actually "living together".

As for how to use the space, my then-gf-now-wife and I had much the same discussion - when we moved in together, we were both in our late 30's, and hadn't lived with anybody in...in my case, ever, and in her case about 10 years. So, we were both pretty protective of our space and of our way of doing things. You're right that getting a "neutral" place is the best way to go, and here's a few other tips:

- Remember to compromise. You don't have to "win" every discussion about what should go where, and how things should work, and neither does he - he's making as much of a space and lifestyle adjustment as you are, and it's important that you both keep that in mind as you get settled.

- Along those lines, it's helpful to start new routines that the two of you create, instead of each clinging to the way you've always done things - even for little, seemingly insignificant things like where you keep your keys.

- Make sure that you both understand who will be doing what. We have two cats, and she feeds them because the smell of wet cat food actually makes me vomit; in return for that, I clean the litter box. Not that the smell is any better, but the point is that there's always a give and take.

So yeah, all those bullets add up to one thing - the need to compromise.

Also, as you move in and get settled, don't assume that he can read your mind. If you feel strongly about something, whether it's placement of a picture or arrangement of furniture, say so. Not in a confrontational way, but in a way that opens a discussion. Make the common areas of your home a safe place to have open discussions, not a grouping of individual fiefdoms where this side is "his way" and this side is "your way". Each of your office spaces, obviously, will be more customized to your particular work needs, but as far as living room/kitchen/bedroom, it's space that belongs to both of you.
posted by pdb at 11:18 AM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Is there a way to compromise and just get a 2 BR with a large second bedroom that you could share as an office? Maybe put a divider in the center? Or use the master bedroom as an office, while you sleep in the smaller room. Can you get a pullout mattress to set up in your living room for guests?
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:21 AM on December 27, 2007

can you get cheap office space in your area? A 2 bedroom apartment for you to live in plus a small 2-room office nearby may be cost-effective, and give you a chance to get out of the house once in a while. I work from home, and I'd love to be able to have the option to see the sun once in a while.
posted by jenkinsEar at 11:28 AM on December 27, 2007

I'm a huge introvert who needs a fair amount of alone time. I once moved in with someone and we both worked from home. It was a 2BR place, he mostly stayed in the second bedroom and my desk was in a nook in the living room, so we each had "our space," but... it got claustrophobic really quickly.

Remember that most advice you get about moving in together is going to come from people who also have also have offices or outside jobs they're going to during the day, which greatly simplifies the dynamic (I speak from experience).

If it were me, my ideal would be one 2BR apartment that had your shared bedroom and one office, another 2BR apartment that had the other office and a guest room for family members. (That's assuming one of you is willing to have a short walk to your office -- when I worked from home, I would have loved a reason to get outside for a few minutes each day.) That way you're not butting up against each other all day long, and your visiting friends and family could more or less have their own apartment when they visit, which would be such a nice perk.
posted by occhiblu at 11:54 AM on December 27, 2007

with the amount of space that you need, i'd recommend getting a house. otherwise, a 2BR apartment and then rent some office space which is usually cheaper to rent then a whole other apartment.
posted by violetk at 12:25 PM on December 27, 2007

I'd think the easiest two place solution would be to have one living space and one work space, i.e. use one appartment to live in and have the spare bedroom for your visitors and use the other place as your offices...that allows you to clearly separate your work and personal life - and if you manage to find somewhere in short walking distance it would not be like a commute but more a short walk as somebody else said...
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:28 PM on December 27, 2007

If you rent a two or three bedroom house it might well have an attic or a basement or alcove or something that would make a good workspace.
posted by orange swan at 12:44 PM on December 27, 2007

If you're ready to live together, then move in together. Two separate apartments on the same street is not the same thing at all.

Good luck finding a place.
posted by 26.2 at 2:06 PM on December 27, 2007

Two separate apts is fine, live in one work in the other. You don't have to be breathing down each other's necks all the time to be a "true couple". I think that's a weird standard. Take the room you need and stay flexible.

This has the added benefit of making it super easy to reverse this arrangement if you guys decide you hate living together but still want to date.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:28 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Consider the overall savings, not just the added rent cost - even if you individually pay higher rent (which doesn't seem likely) you'll be saving a bunch of money on utilities and transport.

A 3BR house or flat with a nice big shared living area (kitchen, lounge/dining room) allows for a shared bedroom and an office each, and is reconfigurable. Even with a 2BR apartment with big bedrooms you might find one of you can manage with the bedroom as their office (that might be annoying, but not necessarily) or take over a corner of the lounge/dining room, or share the 2nd bedroom as an office. If it's 1.5 times the size of the rooms you're each using now, that ought to be enough space, given the overlap of shared items such as printer, phone, fax, stationery, server computer, stereo etc, depending on the actual work you do. If one of you is an architect and the other a stringed instrument restorer then obviously this is not going to work ... but if you're both journalists etc, it could work out fine for you.

Moving in together gives you a good opportunity to consolidate and rationalize furniture, cookware, appliances etc. One major tip (in case you've never owned one): fold-out couch/beds are ideal for small apartments and pretty good even in large houses; putting one in an office makes it easily convertible to a guest bedroom--or 3am crash area--while not taking up much space in ordinary daily use.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:25 PM on December 27, 2007

Some friends of mine were in a similar situation (both working from home), and they ended up renting a two-bedroom apartment where they live, and commercial office space where they work. The office space is on the same block as their apartment, and was surprisingly affordable ($1000 US in NYC). It's a sort of strange space that is in the basement of a building, but since they don't have clients coming in and out, it was perfect for their needs.
posted by kimdog at 6:31 PM on December 27, 2007

Office spaces don't need to be bedrooms. I'm currently sitting on what is supposed to be the formal dining area in my tiny two bedroom house which turns out to make an awesome home office. It's actually nicer working here in the front of the house near the kitchen than tucked away at the back in a bedroom, and we prefer the informal dining area anyway.

We have separate bedrooms but if we shared like you guys plan to that would leave an extra double bedroom for a second office-come-guest-room. If you find the right place you could easily have two working spaces plus spare bedroom space (likely with those combined in some way) while still only renting a two or three bedroom place (with the lower rent that that entails). The trick is to find somewhere well laid out and with other living spaces worked in, which will be more expensive than a small two bedroom but much less than a four bedroom.

You may need to spend some time looking until you find the right setup for you, but it sounds totally doable to me.
posted by shelleycat at 7:33 PM on December 27, 2007

My partner and I currently have two places, about seven blocks apart. It sounds like such a sensible solution, but unless you decide that you're using place A as your living quarters and place B as your office, I suspect that our current dilemma will become yours, as well.

We have two apartments. Pay utilities on two places. Check for mail--at least every other day, anyhow--at two places. The problem is that we only actually ever use one of the places. One house has our clothes, our food, our gamecube, our things...the other house has a handful of bills, no sheets on the bed, no food in the fridge, and about three pairs of boxers and a few teeshirts in one of the drawers. It seemed like such a great plan when we did this--yay, everyone has their own space, but we're close together! In practice, it's failed almost completely, and, five months in, feels like we're wasting a lot of money for a house that no one uses while living somewhat uncomfortably in a much smaller house than we'd have if we were pooling our resources on a rental.

I'd imagine that it would be a little different if you were in the same apartment complex, for example, but suspect that the end result would be much the same: one apartment would have beer, a lime, and moldy cheese in the fridge, and the other would actually be lived in. Now we're starting to look around to see if we can break his lease (which, I'm sure, will incur no small amount of money) so that we get a place together.

All that said, I think that two apartments in the same area would be nice if one was clearly designated as 'this is where we work' and the other 'this is where we live our lives'. It might be awkward sometimes, especially if you have occasional hours of free time in your workday where you'd like to do domestic tasks, but it's almost certainly better to do that than it would be to each have your own place within a block of each other, I think.
posted by meghanmiller at 4:52 PM on December 28, 2007

i don't know if this exists in london, but i'd assume it does... here in seattle there are offices you can rent by the day/week/month. i myself typically just worked in coffeeshops that have free wireless...
posted by groovinkim at 5:09 PM on December 28, 2007

i don't get why everyone is recommending getting two apartments, with one to live in and one to work in. if you need to separate spaces (one to live in and one to work in), it's far less expensive to rent an office space instead of a whole other apartment.
posted by violetk at 6:19 PM on December 28, 2007