Help two clueless virgins...

December 5, 2007 8:13 AM

Two virgins attempt to have sex, but a recalcitrant hymen gets in the way. Help?

So, my boyfriend and I finally decided to start trying to have sex. "Try" is the operative word here. We were both virgins and didn't really know what we were doing. The first time he attempted to enter me...it didn't go so well. He only got a bit of the tip in before I started crying and there was blood everywhere.

As far as we can tell, the hymen is still mostly there, albeit torn a little. We tried again just using fingers, and he still can't put two fingers in me without it being very painful, though before it was impossible.

So, what should we do? Googling has turned up little information of value. I know that my mom had a hymenectomy when she was 19 for some reason or other, so I was thinking maybe that sort of thing is genetic. I have been using tampons since I was 14 or so (now 20), albeit with some difficulty with the larger ones, but at least I know it's not completely closed off down there. I was very athletic in high school, so perhaps that has something to do with it.

Any help you could give would be much appreciated.

Email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (22 comments total)

The hymen's not a muscle, so your athleticism has nothing to do with it. More telling is your mother's need for a hymenotomy. You need to see an ob-gyn and get their take on it. Tell your mom you are having trouble with larger tampons and are worried about your ability to have sex and kids if you don't want to talk about trying to lose your virginity, but do tell the OB about the sexual activity when you see 'em. Though don't be surprised if Mom figures it out.

The alternative is to stick your fingers in there, wiggle them around, and try to open up as much of the hymen as possible, just pushing through the pain. But if it's thick enough that it may need a hymenotomy, I would strongly advise against it--you are skirting blood loss and permanent damage.
posted by schroedinger at 8:29 AM on December 5, 2007

Have you talked to a gynecologist? That would be my first step. See if there's a medical problem and go from there. If you don't have a gynecologist, now is the time to get one (every sexually active woman should see a GYN on a regular basis). If you're uncomfortable or embarrassed to go to a gynecology practice, go to Planned Parenthood.
posted by cooker girl at 8:29 AM on December 5, 2007

Er, where "advising against it" in the last sentence refers to advising against home surgery, not a hymenotomy.
posted by schroedinger at 8:30 AM on December 5, 2007

You will unfortunately just have to push through the pain to get rid of the hymen, as awful as that sounds. Give it a few more tries, and if you're still experiencing difficulties after that, you might want to see your doctor (which you hopefully already are if you're engaging in sexual activity).
posted by odi.et.amo at 8:32 AM on December 5, 2007

Don't forget the lube!
posted by tristeza at 8:45 AM on December 5, 2007

Definitely visit a doctor. I have an ex who needed that procedure -- waited years to even ask out of embarrassment. When she finally did, her doctor told her it wasn't even that unusual a problem.

Quick fix, and everything fine for her afterwards.
posted by Pufferish at 8:56 AM on December 5, 2007

yep, talk to your gyno. it's a natural thing, but better to do it surgically, i suppose, because at least that way it's sterile and controlled.
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2007

My god, just have at it. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but then it's over.

How did mankind survive before the emergence of gynos to help make virginal sex more comfortable?

Before the nasty replies start, I was once the male part of a virginal liason, and went through this with my girl. We were both scared, hesitant, didn't want to inflict pain on her, etc. But one good thrust (and doubtless plenty of pain), and the goal was achieved (and there was also plenty of blood).

So yeah, it hurts. It almost seems like nature intended it that way..
posted by eas98 at 9:23 AM on December 5, 2007

ummm... yeah... had this happen to me (the guy). Hours of pain, off to the doctor the next day, "you have a very tough hymen, let me get rid of it for you.". Couple of days later, happiness. *hymenectomy* or *pain*
posted by zengargoyle at 9:29 AM on December 5, 2007

Just FYI, if you ever watch the movie "Kinsey" about the famous biologist and sex researcher, this exact situation occurs between a young Kinsey and his wife (and their subsequent nervous trip to the doctor's office, who quickly fixed the problem). They went on to have a very active sex life, and I'm sure you guys will too.
posted by Asparagirl at 9:32 AM on December 5, 2007

My god, just have at it. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but then it's over.

For some women they can't just "push through it," and a visit to the doc is in order.
Besides, women should start seeing the GYN as soon as they're sexually active, if they aren't already. So you can get that taken care of, too.
posted by Kellydamnit at 9:47 AM on December 5, 2007

It would probably be better if you didn't associate *pain* with what should be a fun, comforting time with your guy. Getting the procedure will probably be better for your mind and your fun.
posted by amtho at 10:43 AM on December 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

So yeah, it hurts. It almost seems like nature intended it that way..

Yeah, sort of the way nature intended us to die of infections... until we figured out the wonder of antibiotics. Gee, imagine that.

Please, anonposter- ignore the princes of nature in this thread, and go see your doctor. It's a two minute procedure, and there is absolutely no, no, no reason why you shoulder suffer through your first sexual experience when you don't have to.
posted by headspace at 11:00 AM on December 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

Nature intended it to hurt as a punishment for premarital sex.

Hahah, just kidding! Don't listen to people - especially men - who tell you to "suffer through it." Think of Mother England! Have you ever seen a guy react to a video of someone else getting kicked in the balls? Genitals are sensitive. Go talk to your doctor.

Incidentally, I second the vote for lube when things do happen, even if you've had the surgery... you'll probably still be sore after. So take things slow, for god's sake. And enjoy it - it sounds like you've got a sweet guy there, so I hope you two have fun!
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:18 AM on December 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

As opposed to your boy's penis, the MD has a nice local anesthetic so that it doesn't hurt and ruin otherwise fun sex.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 11:49 AM on December 5, 2007

How did mankind survive before the emergence of gynos to help make virginal sex more comfortable?

The same way mankind survived before the emergence of surgeons to help make ruptured appendicitis more operable.

Good lord. As a general rule, when someone tells you to suck it up when you have "blood everywhere" and pain that makes you cry, that person should be roundly ignored. Go to the doctor. If you have a thick hymen, it will take 10 seconds to fix. However, you should probably also see a doctor just to rule out any anatomical problems -- you probably don't have one, but a fair number of people have things like a septated vagina that they're not aware of until they try to have intercourse. If you do have something like that, trying to "push through" it could cause you some fairly serious badness. Go to the doctor, please.

When you get that taken care of, start out with you on top, so you can have a little more control of penetration. It is normal to have a LITTLE, fairly transitory pain and light bleeding; more than that is not so good.

Good luck!
posted by LittleMissCranky at 11:53 AM on December 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

The people in this thread instructing the poster that she must live in pain, fear, and ignorance frankly disgust me.

Go see a gynecologist; if the procedure is necessary, it's a 2 minute office procedure done under local. You'll spend more time listening to the doc tell you what to expect than it will take to inject the anesthetic, do the quick snip, and maybe take a stitch.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:23 PM on December 5, 2007

IANAW, and "pushing through it" does not sound like something either of you will enjoy at all. It could really turn both of you off.
posted by wtdoor at 12:40 PM on December 5, 2007

ikkyu2: "The people in this thread instructing the poster that she must live in pain, fear, and ignorance frankly disgust me.

Go see a gynecologist; if the procedure is necessary, it's a 2 minute office procedure done under local. You'll spend more time listening to the doc tell you what to expect than it will take to inject the anesthetic, do the quick snip, and maybe take a stitch."

I am with ikkyu2 on this one, as I am with all advice he gives on medical threads (for obvious reasons). Thus, my advice is... Listen to him anonymous.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:10 PM on December 5, 2007

Get the doctor to snippy-snippy. I managed to break mine after two seperate tries, but using tearing damage means that it broke crooked, which makes a mess every period (everything goes off to the side).

Eeesh, natural biological process, my foot. I suppose cramping is also a joyous part of being human?
posted by Phalene at 1:21 PM on December 5, 2007

I am also shocked at the people saying that you basically just have to grin and bear this pain, anonymous. (I mean, wow, she's *crying* in pain, and that level of pain is something she should just push through?!) Please know that differences in hymen sizes and thickness do happen naturally more than these people realize and that if this is the case for you, there is nothing wrong with you. Just to make sure: you aren't abnormal or "too sensitive" or "not strong enough" or "unreasonable" or "not turned on enough" or any of the other things that we might feel if our first times don't match society's myths about our first times. There's NO shame in this. It can be easier; go see your doctor. Good luck.
posted by onoclea at 1:38 PM on December 5, 2007

Buy a vibrator. A small one, at first, but get bigger so you're using ones over the size of your lover's penis. Get used to this, and you should start to be able to enjoy sex.

Come back when he starts asking about anal!
posted by jhighmore at 2:26 PM on January 28, 2008