Did I shock myself out of a functioning sex drive?
February 3, 2013 8:27 AM Subscribe
I am worried a recent decision I made caused psychological damage to my libido. What are my options for recovery (if needed)?
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (17 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Posting this anonymously, as the embarrassing details are below.
I'm a 29 year old Asian American male who was born and raised in the U.S. Like many of my Asian American peers, growing up and attending school was focused highly on academic performance with social skills and relationship skills taking last place.
I made it through High School with flying colors, finished undergraduate university and feel that I am fairly successful for my age. I am satisfied with where I stand professionally and enjoy my work. I'm still single, but have strong ties with my nuclear and extended family, and have a small but reliable social circle.
I have had much difficulty obtaining a romantic life. Having been raised in a town with a non-existent Asian population, I grew a fondness for Caucasian women (who I've found are generally not attracted to Asian men). I wouldn't have any objections if I met a nice Asian woman, but I have lost touch with my ethnic roots and am unable to read/speak/write my "native" language. I have found that this tends to disqualify me from pairing up with a female of my same ethnicity.
Growing up through my teenage and college years, I pretty much held off on attempting to get a girlfriend, although I tried a few times and failed miserably. In lieu of having an emotional/physical relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I got very much into internet pornography. Nothing too wild, just plain straight hardcore stuff from the popular companies. The end goal, more than anything, was to clear my head as needed so I wasn't a completely frustrated horndog around town.
I have had zero girlfriends in my life and had never had sex. Until recently.
One day out of frustration, I took a trip out to one of the legal brothels in Nevada and decided it was time to give it a shot. The experience was a failure. I couldn't maintain an erection, so we ended up playing around a bit and I left without having finished "my" business. I maintained face the entire time, though, and played off the impotence like it wasn't a big deal. She was a very skilled and attractive Caucasian woman, so it definitely wasn't her fault.
Ever since that day, though, I've felt like my libido hasn't been the same. I feel inadequate sexually and haven't felt a "true" erection where the intensity is also in my nerves and my brain (think morning wood). I can manage an erection, but it feels purely mechanical. I've also cut my porn watching activities by 95%. Overall, I feel like I've been deflated sexually.
I've been thinking about this for a while now and I have a few guesses as to what could be bugging me:
1. I have read that it is not uncommon to have first time sex jitters, but it sounds like most individuals often recover from this shortly. I wonder if I would feel differently had those jitters occurred with someone who was also unskilled at sex. Sort of like, "hey we're both new to this, so we'll try again later."
2. Years of watching porn painted an unrealistic picture in my mind that I would have been able to maintain an erection during my visit to the brothel. I remember my primary concern going in was that I'd be wearing a condom and wouldn't be able to reach climax, not that I wouldn't be able to get it up. Embarrassingly, this was also my first time kissing a woman.
3. The days prior to my brothel visit, I was particularly aroused for no reason and took advantage of this by masturbating up to twice a day.
4. I have witnessed the realities of sex first hand (maybe not in the most accurate form), and the "honeymoon" of being an ignorant virgin is long gone?
I don't believe I have issues as far as relating to women. I have a few great female friends and we have no issues and I don't feel that I look at them objectively or in a disrespectful light. I may have some light intimacy issues, but I want to believe they are purely out of a lack of experience, more than anything. By intimacy issues, I mean I'm probably a bit more reserved about how physically close I get with other people. (after all, it's not easy to be intimate if you don't have anyone to be intimate with)
I would like nothing more than to meet a great woman and to some day start a family. I think I would love being a parent and husband, despite my incredibly embarrassing path to where I am now. I am just concerned that something has changed within me that may never go away, or that would negatively impact my partner if I were to manage to find a mate.
Is this something that would be resolved through counseling? Is there a specific type of counselor I should seek?
Alternatively, should I try to "reset" things by cutting out the porn and finding someone with whom to connect emotionally? I feel like this would be worth doing, as the brothel visit was emotionally sterile and purely business oriented. I honestly don't know what it feels like to form a strong bond with someone and have that also build up sexual tension.
Hope I didn't make you cringe too many times. Any other suggestions are also welcome.