Oblivious hymen breaking?

June 29, 2006 6:09 PM

Is it possible I broke by girlfriend's hymen without knowing?

I first had sex with her about 5 months ago and only last week did she come out and tell me that she was actually a virgin when we had sex (she had lied before about it).
Further, she says that I broke her hymen while we had sex and there was even blood on my mouth that she slyly wiped off... all without my knowing! I wasn't (really) drunk but I was pretty excited (it was only my 3rd time.) Oh yeah, and this was without a condom, so I feel I should have felt something.
Also, she has had several relationships that involved pretty much all kind of non-sex play, so it's amazing to me that her hymen could have even survived (she's 28).
So is she mistaken? Was it a partial hymen? Am I a clueless lover? Wikipedia didn't give me the answers I'm looking for.
(Note - for those who are curious, I don't care at all that she lied)

posted by suomynona to human relations (15 comments total)

Partial hymen, most likely. Although I'm surprised too that a woman would be a virgin at 28, or would claim to be, or would have an intact hymen at that age even if she were.
posted by kindall at 6:11 PM on June 29, 2006

I believe her that she was a virgin (she's from [Insert_Foreign_Country_Here] where they usually wait a long time) but not bustin' the hymen while falling or swimming or something also surprised me. She maintains that she's serious, though.
posted by suomynona at 6:21 PM on June 29, 2006

Hymens are sometimes tough, sometimes not. Hymens sometimes remain intact before sex, sometimes they don't. It's possible she was a virgin, but that there wasn't much - indeed, anything - in the way of hymen there.

On the other hand, she may well have been bullshitting you for some strange reason, especially given she's 28 and has had numerous relationships. Bottom line: you're never going to know for sure. Personally, if I were going to care about anything in this situation I'd care about why she felt the need to tell you first one thing, then another. Understandable in a teenager, maybe, but a 28-year old woman? The red light would be at least flickering slightly for me there...
posted by Decani at 6:28 PM on June 29, 2006

It's possible for her to have bled during sex even if her hymen is already broken.
posted by maxreax at 6:32 PM on June 29, 2006

I'd err on the side of believing her. She's your girlfriend. Why would she lie about that?
posted by Ironmouth at 6:35 PM on June 29, 2006

Even though I have my very own vagina, I don't even remember having a hymen, much less remember when it broke. I'd imagine males would be even less aware.

Blame it on poor sex education, but I wasn't even aware of what a hymen was for a long time (this is the only Hyman's I knew about.). I guess mine was broken at some point prior to my first sexual encounter. (shrug) And ditto on the blood without hymen breakage; there's tender skin down there.
posted by chiababe at 6:40 PM on June 29, 2006

Decani - the situation was actually very understandable but the details are pretty irrelevant. Needless to say, I trust her so you can too. I'm more curious about the fact that I didn't -feel- anything.
So I guess I can extend my question to: have you felt it (going through a physical barrier) when breaking someone's hymen?
posted by suomynona at 6:42 PM on June 29, 2006

Lot's of girls break their hymen without ever having sex and don't know it. It's very east to tear.

So let's say she's one of these girls who broke her hymen without sex and didn't know she did. So now she believes you are breaking it because she is a virgin, she believes the hymen is in tact (even though it is not) and there is some pain for her and some blood (also very possible even without the hymen in tact). In this case, you wouldn't feel anything and she would have every reason to believe she is telling the truth.

On the other hand, if she lied to you about being a virgin, why wouldn't she turn around and tell you another lie?
posted by GIRLesq at 6:45 PM on June 29, 2006

Babeland has a nice explanation of what the hymen is, and what state it's likely to be in when a 20-something woman first has sex.

It's not like the hymen breaks once and then it's done. You certainly could have torn it further than it had already been torn (from previous non-sexual activity), which certainly might have caused bleeding.
posted by occhiblu at 6:52 PM on June 29, 2006

So I guess I can extend my question to: have you felt it (going through a physical barrier) when breaking someone's hymen?

My first serious girlfriend's hymen was a bitch. Her previous boyfriend had tight-foreskin-syndrome ( I forget the proper name) and he never actually managed to fuck her. Seriously. It took me several attempts (I was pretty new to the game myself, which didn't help). It was like there was a solid barrier in the way, which, of course, was precisely the situation. I could get my bell-end into the entrance and then no further.

I was inexperienced, I was afraid of hurting her, so I'd push harder and harder and then she'd wince and yelp and I'd say "Oh God, I'm sorry", and she'd say "Oh God, I'm sorry", and then things would...er... tend to deflate. The breakthrough (oh dear) occurred when we were both drunk and she just told me to be as hard as it took until it was done. She had a brave, determined look on her face like she was about to give birth with no drugs and only an old rag to bite on. Ah, the romance.

So I did it. And when the hymen finally gave it was like breaking a fairly thick piece of rubber. And she squealed, and bled a lot. And then she said "Thank Christ that's done with". And I said, "Fuck me".

So in answer to your question, yes. :-)
posted by Decani at 7:08 PM on June 29, 2006

There doesn't have to be any noticeable amount of blood. This reminds me of the "wedding night sheets" thing, which was b.s. and got alot of innocent people in trouble.

For some reason (love?) she wants you to know (believe) that you were the first. Why not?

Also what chiababe and GIRLesq said.
posted by snsranch at 7:10 PM on June 29, 2006

I've only ever once slept with a virgin, and she said that she felt the hymen breaking when it happened, but I didn't feel a damn thing - and I was being gentle, too, because I didn't want her first time to be horrible. So yes, it's possible to break a hymen and not feel it. :)
posted by antifuse at 2:07 AM on June 30, 2006

Personally, if I were going to care about anything in this situation I'd care about why she felt the need to tell you first one thing, then another. Understandable in a teenager, maybe, but a 28-year old woman?

I know a couple of women in their late 20s who are still virgins, and not for any moral/religious reason: neither has yet met a man she really wanted to have sex with. Based on how they and I have talked about it in the past, I can imagine they'd each want to play it down for fear of seeming somehow abnormal.
posted by kittyprecious at 8:22 AM on June 30, 2006

What if she thinks you expect her to have a hymen? A lot of cultures with virgin arranged marriages make a big show about putting blood on the sheets so that the man will know he devirginized his new bride. Could that be happening here? After all, you didn't notice feeling anything OR blood. It could all be a fabrication.
posted by agregoli at 8:54 AM on June 30, 2006

Thanks for the help guys.
A lot of people have mentioned that the bigger issue at stake is if she is/was telling the truth. As I had mentioned several times that is not of great import. The circumstance under which she lied (she had just met a big group of Americans, who were younger than her, for the first time, who were openly talking about sex and then totally put her on the spot) made it so she lied to keep her from being embarassed. Then, after the fact and after we started dating, she thought it was too embarassing to admit that she had lied about it and then only recently told me the truth. There's no reason she would have told me she was a virgin to "please me" nor would she make up that she had had her hymen to make me feel like I was her rightful devirginizer. You'll just have to trust me on this, as I trust her. My only question was about feeling the hymen breaking and the likelihood of it breaking during other kinds of sex. Thanks for answering that occhibulu, decani, and antifuse
posted by suomynona at 5:26 PM on July 2, 2006