Yes, PuGZ, this is about us.

May 23, 2007 6:15 AM

How to introduce my (white) boyfriend to my (very traditional, a bit xenophobic, and extremely Chinese) extended family?

My SO and I have been going out for about 8 months, and although he has met my immediate family (parents/siblings) and gotten along well with them, I am rather hesitant about introducing him to my extended family.

It's not really the whole extended family, but the grandparents that I'm afraid of. Although I, and most of my extended family, live in Australia, my parents live overseas. I live with my grandparents. My parents met him when they came to Australia for a visit, but all this while I have been seeing him behind my grandparents' backs.

I think the time is ripe to let him meet my grandparents. It hasn't done my conscience any good knowing that I'm hiding something from my grandparents, and my SO is eager to meet them too. The problem is that they hold Chinese traditional values very strongly, and would not like the idea of one of their grandchildren going out with a person of another race. (eg. When my cousin introduced his girlfriend - who is half British and half Chinese - to them, they said "At least she's got some chinese blood in her.") They do not speak english, and my SO does not speak Chinese.

This, coupled with the fact that I'm 16 (going on 17), does not bode well. My grandmother has already cautioned me numerous times on the dangers of being in a relationship while I am still attending high school, and she strongly opposes the idea of a teenage romantic relationship.

How do I approach this situation in the best way possible, so that my grandparents are most likely to accept my SO? Any advice on how to go about this as delicately and smoothly as possible?

Thanks in advance for the answers!

posted by Mrs PuGZ to human relations (24 comments total)

When my parents were married, my dad's best friend was a black guy. My mom's father (my grandpa) was rather racist. There was a lot of bickering, but the whole family eventually let him have his way. End result: black guy was not in wedding at all.
Twenty-eight years later, my cousin was *dating* a black girl. At a family gathering where they didn' happen to attend, grandpa said something to his concern that they were getting engaged. He hid his former, overt racism by saying that he feared if they had kids, they would come out "speckled" like someone he'd seen growing up. The rest of the family, again, started to back down. I got in his face and told him if that was his only reason for opposing them, he was retarded, that they would make beautiful mixed-race babies. If he was using that as an excuse for his own backwardness, he needed to fast-forward fifty years. I went on that really, my cousin was marrying up, since the girlfriend was a doctor and the daughter of a pair of doctors. He backed off and realized the error of his ways. (he now loves their baby as much, if not more, than the rest of the great-grandbabies.)

Since you still live with your grandparents, I don't believe you have this option; you need to judge how much they truly respect you before you can even mention that you're dating *anyone*, much less a white guy. Once you're on your own, you can get in their face about being backwards, as I did.
posted by notsnot at 6:35 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

inform them of the situation before you take him to meet them, so that they can get the outrage or whatever out of their systems first.

also, depending on what they're like, an earnest attempt on his part to learn/use some of the language may endear him somewhat. a simple "gong hei fat choi" at new years brought smiles to my ex's family's faces and they seemed to appreciate the gesture.

and recognize that despite your good intentions and careful planning, they may simply never accept him, and there may be nothing you can do about it. you can't decide what other people think. (nor should you, in general, decide based on it!)
posted by sergeant sandwich at 6:47 AM on May 23, 2007

firstly, i would never label racism as a "traditional value" in any culture, any more than i would label "wife beating" a traditional value, just because might happen to have been common in some particular culture at some point in its history. racism is something that should be confronted.

that said, since you're only 16, does it really matter if your grandparents meet your boyfriend? clearly they're not going to be letting him sleep over any time soon.

of course your grandparents' beliefs are ridiculous, but perhaps you should wait until the relationship is a little more serious before you provoke a big confrontation, given that you have to live with them? Once you are out on your own, it would seem to be much easier to deal with...
posted by modernnomad at 6:49 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

i should add that i am sympathetic, however -- i am in an inter-racial relationship right now and where grandparents (on both sides) are less than happy. however, neither of us live with the grandparents, so it is less of a pressing issue.
posted by modernnomad at 6:52 AM on May 23, 2007

An important point to consider is, if you do go the "get over it, old people" out (which, were you older and on your own, I would strongly encourage,) how difficult are they able to make your life, and are they the kind of people who WOULD make your life difficult over it.

If they are, in fact, going to do more than silently disapprove, keep in mind that while it is noble, and even advisable, to "fight the good fight" no matter the consequences, that doesn't mean you can't delay the good fight until conditions give you the strongest position.

(me? I'd probably go the "get over it, old people" route and relish the drama, but I'm marginally insane.)
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 6:59 AM on May 23, 2007

Yes by all means lets all get in the face of old people that are acting as they were taught to act all their lives and who let us live with them. That will make us feel very self-righteous.

Your grandparents may not ever like your boyfriend. It doesn't make them bad people, or you, or your boyfriend. It is just one of those things that you have to try to make the best of. You are doing the right thing to brainstorm ways to minimize the friction, and my only recommendation is to take the advice that points you in that direction, and disregard the advice that counsels you to fight the evil of racism personified in your grandparents. Good luck. It is a tough situation, but not an insurmountable one.
posted by ND¢ at 7:00 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your grandparents, like many of our grandparents, regardless of race, are old-school. My grandpa could probably have a nice ol' conversation (if he could speak Chinese) with them about "these kids today". Accept that their attitude toward this matter (very very likely) won't change. Even if you don't agree with them, or even respect their stance, you should come to terms with it.

I think a lot of it actually depends on your bf. Is he a nice guy? If/when he meets your grandparents will he smile a lot? Ask questions? Be generally pleasant to be around? Will you? If the answer is yes, then you two have got the upper hand...of sorts. Just remember it's their problem. Don't make it yours. It's unfortunate, but sometimes you have to separate yourself from your family to get what you want out of life.
posted by zardoz at 7:13 AM on May 23, 2007

Tell them you're a lesbian and then introduce them to your white, but male boyfriend.

They may be so relieved that they'll take this as a good thing. Or so I've been told. My eventual plans are to call up my dad after eloping and say, "Hey, I'm married, want to meet my husband?" (Don't know whether I'm serious about this or not).
posted by liquorice at 7:15 AM on May 23, 2007

Oh, and personal anecdote. My boyfriend's grandparents are "traditonally racist", whatever that means with a particular dislike towards muslims and whatnot, so I assumed it was pretty much a given that they'd be horrified that their grandson was dating a brown girl. I wasn't there when they were eventually told the news but apparently they handled it well. So you never know, they could surprise you.

Why not just begin by introducing him as part of your friendship group who then becomes one of your closer friends, which turns into your best friend and hey! seems like you're seeing him all the time when no one else is around. At the very least, you'll be able to gauge their reaction to him as a person as opposed to "that white boy trying to take away our granddaughter's innocence!"
posted by liquorice at 7:20 AM on May 23, 2007

agh. definetly don't do what liquorice suggests. I'm definetly guessing that she doesn't have Chinese grandparents.

I'm of mixed race descent (white/Chinese) - my Chinese mom outmarried, as did her brothers and sisters (to black and latino though) - i mean, its harder to change the attitudes of older, traditional immigrants quickly - that will only come eventually with time.

And make sure your boyfriend is well-behaved, and eventually they will warm up to him. Happened eventually with my grandparents to their chidlren, and to the grandchildren.
posted by jare2003 at 7:30 AM on May 23, 2007

I think it's nice that you want your grandparents to meet your boyfriend but they don't even want you dating! They want you to focus on school and not get all wrapped up in goofy teenage relationships. There is a good reason for this even though trying to keep teenagers from dating must be the most futile endeavor in human history.

16 is a good age to start dating. I think you need to work in their approval gently. Go out with a mixed group of friends, have them meet up at your house and have everyone meet your grandparents. Let them get comfortable with your friends.

And, I don't know, when I was a teenager, I really had no interest in my parents getting involved in my lovelife. For one, I just didn't think it was any of their business who I had a crush on, who had just let me down, who I had just stopped or started dating. Of course, I didn't date many guys for even as long as three months. I just really didn't think my parents were interested in being on that roller coaster with me. I saw my boyfriends at school and when I was out with the group. The first boyfriend they met was my senior prom date. A guy who was a different race than I and I was really worried my somewhat bigotted father would make stink about it. He didn't. He was really polite. Could be, by 18, they were like, "yay -- she dates!" Heh.

So, give em a break. Go gently. Don't hang your hat on this issue. Enjoy your teen years. You won't be living at home forever.
posted by amanda at 7:31 AM on May 23, 2007

Are you on good terms and regularly in touch with your parents? Were the happy enough about the relationship? Are they on good terms and regularly in touch with your grandparents? If so, why not enlist their help to bring it up with your grandparents. Perhaps if they come to know of this through approving parents rather than headstrong/cultural transgressing grandaughter, the way ahead may be smoother.
posted by peacay at 7:32 AM on May 23, 2007

jare2003: My first suggestion was meant to be humorous but I'm sure it worked for someone, somewhere. I've used it in other, apparently less dire situations. E.g. "I just failed my exam." *shocked silence* "I mean, I passed...just!" It's all about lowering their expectations. :)

And yes, you're right. No Chinese grandparents for me. Just a very traditional, a bit xenophobic, and extremely Sri-Lankan family.
posted by liquorice at 7:41 AM on May 23, 2007

Can your parents help you with this? If you can enlist their aid as allies, you've got a much stronger argument.

Also, I think it would be better to tell your grandparents without your boyfriend present. Let them get used to the idea first and hopefully the discomfort of the first meeting will be a little less.
posted by widdershins at 7:44 AM on May 23, 2007

I would definitely go with the patient approach, counsel your boy that there may be a little coldness toward him and that he should be respectful and patient. I think behavior rather than blood will win. He can look at it as a challenge to see who is acting most mature.
posted by Iron Rat at 7:51 AM on May 23, 2007

I think your big problem here is not going to be that your boyfriend is white; I think the problem will be that you have a boyfriend at all at 16. Most of the responses here seem to assume everyone is an adult.

Lots of people with traditional values do not want their daughters (or granddaughters) to date as teenagers -- this is not strictly a Chinese thing. Regarding the sneaking around, I am inclined to think that your grandparents know (or suspect) something, but let it go in the time-honored don't-ask-don't-tell manner. If you bring it to their attention that you are dating someone (without your boyfriend there, please) possibly they will insist you end the relationship. What then?
posted by Methylviolet at 7:54 AM on May 23, 2007

Do you need to tell them right now? How serious is the relationship? After all, if you're just casually dating with the odd snog thrown in, do the grandparents really need to know that?

I'd say that you might as well wait till things are serious before telling them. In the meantime, perhaps you could invite the bf and a bunch of your mates over occasionally, so the grandparents get to know them all as a gang. Making sure, of course, that your friends are obscenely courteous, polite and don't smoke/drink/jack up in front of them.

Even if your grandparents end up doing the whole "It's disgusting that you're dating a white person" routine, make sure that you and your bf stay calm, don't rise to their bait or anger and stay nice, and polite, at ALL times. It'll either win them over eventually or it'll be their obstinancy that kills them. Either way, you'll have a clear conscience.
posted by electriccynic at 8:37 AM on May 23, 2007

I don't see why you need to tell them. My boyfriend (Taiwanese) has only ever dated white girls, and while at first some members of his family (not his grandma, actually; she's great) clearly hoped I'd suddenly develop epicanthal folds on both eyes and learn to speak Mandarin, at three years they're pressuring us to get married just like any other extended family. However, we're adults. You're not going to get married at your age, and I don't see how your boyfriend affects your grandparents at all.

Frankly, if I had to deal with racist grandparents in choosing my mates, I'd wait to tell them about a boyfriend I had until I was dating someone really "objectionable". Wait till your boyfriend is Jewish, or black! Then any other race will be a relief by comparison.
posted by crinklebat at 11:24 AM on May 23, 2007

don't tell them! what good would that do?

it just would make trouble, esp if you're 16 (going on 17)

ha, i remember saying that i was x age (going on x+1)

those were the days!
posted by Salvatorparadise at 11:38 AM on May 23, 2007

I'm just really not sure that you need to introduce him as your boyfriend. If you were engaged to be married or something, then I guess you'd just have to bite the bullet and do it...but at least in that situation you'd be going home with him at the end of the confrontation.

Look at the worst-case-scenario here. You live with them, and probably depend on them for support (food, clothing, etc.). You're in a pretty weak position. I think you should avoid major battles until you've moved out. Even though they'll probably still not be happy, the fact that you're not living with them anymore might make you somewhat less of a child in their eyes. Do it now, and I really doubt you're going to win.

I've been on the opposite side of this -- I'm a guy, and at one point I was very seriously involved with a Japanese girl, and brought her home to the folks. I had completely underestimated how big of an issue it was going to be (I started to catch on at about hour #2 of a dinner-table conversation on the Bataan Death March). It was bad, and they had never even been outwardly racist (later on I realized that they had just assumed that I'd never date a non-white, because, you know, 'they didn't think I was that dumb')...so I can only imagine what it might be like in more "traditional" families. [FWIW: After the disaster with my family, the girl never, ever revealed to her family back in Japan that she was dating. And we were in college at the time.]

You have to be ready to take a stand against your family, and basically say "my values aren't the same as yours, and you're going to have to deal." You may need to be pretty forceful and make it clear that nothing they're going to do is going to change your feelings. This is a lot harder to do when they're around you, basically in charge of your life, and have ample opportunities to inflict misery on you in various instructive ways.

I just think you're asking for a world of hurt, and you don't need to right away. Don't fight this battle until you need to.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:57 AM on May 23, 2007

Lordy, memories, memories. My parents are an interracial couple, and there were serious concerns I'd turn out "speckled". Turns out my brother got all the melanin /jealous.

It sounds like your most serious concern is that you're essentially lying to your grandparents. If I understand your "very traditional" descriptor, then you mean anything from them wanting to know generally what you're doing to "we've already got one picked out for you".

Who are your legal guardians? Will that make a difference? Are they likely to try to make trouble for him or you?

I don' t have any good answers. My gut tells me there's no way they'll "accept" your boyfriend as someone you could potentially marry. (and 17? Honey, get some college first!*)

Continuing to see him "in defiance" is no help, either. It could be your best bet is to introduce him as one of your circle of freinds and leave it at that until you are on your own.

One last thing - they may already know if your parents do. If not, follow your parents' lead on this.

*Sorry, I was channeling my grandma, there.
posted by lysdexic at 1:11 PM on May 23, 2007

I wouldn't tell them. Hell no. Not when you still live at home under their control and it's a situation you know they will be unhappy with. Bad, bad, bad, bad idea. I strongly suspect you will be sorry if you tell. They WILL forbid you from having a boyfriend- yeah, his being white will make it worse as well- and then you'll still be sneaking around behind their backs, only this time it'll be harder.

Don't do it. Hell, I wouldn't introduce them until you were out of college. High school? NO way.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:51 PM on May 23, 2007

I'm a white girl, and the first person I dated was black. That probably wouldn't've been a big problem, but she was also a girl.

If you're 16 going on 17*, as I was then, your family just doesn't need to know. My family is still entirely in the dark about my love life; if I'm ever going to get married, I'll tell them then, but otherwise it seems unnecessary and likely to cause only hassles.

*innocent as a rose
posted by booksandlibretti at 8:14 PM on May 23, 2007

when i was in law school, i asked a chinese-american lady out for a date. she scowled at me through her gorgeous almond eyes and said "my parents would disown me if i brought a white boy home." i scowled back, and never spoke to her again.
posted by bruce at 2:07 AM on May 25, 2007