How important is sexual attraction to your partner?
June 2, 2024 1:40 PM Subscribe
I (32F) have broken up with my lovely boyfriend of almost two years. On paper, we were perfect together. He had all of the qualities I could ask for in a partner (kind, generous, motivated, intelligent, handsome, empathetic).
However, we had little to no sexual chemistry. I struggle to explain why this was; all I know is that once the NRE had worn off about a year in, I lost almost all desire to have sex with him. There was no obvious hormonal or medical reason for this, and nothing dramatic had changed about his actions or appearance. Part of it may have stemmed from the fact that he was incredibly reluctant to try anything new sexually (I was always the one to suggest trying anything remotely new or out of the norm and often felt rebuffed or like he was uncomfortable with what I was proposing), and rarely initiated. We also never flirted with each other. While he did give me compliments generally, I never felt sexually desired. In short, the dynamic between us felt increasingly platonic, to the point that I cared about him deeply and respected him as a person but felt very little in the way of romantic love. If I am completely honest, I don’t think I would have been particularly perturbed if he had told me he had cheated on me (if anything, I think it would have helped me to see him as more of a sexual being). I became increasingly stressed and anxious as the relationship progressed, particularly as we began discussing moving in together. Ultimately, I ended the relationship because of this. I’m now back in the dwindling dating pool and finding it a struggle. I’m concerned about whether meeting someone in time to have a family is a realistic possibility and keep wondering whether I’ve made a terrible mistake and should have married my ex given his many amazing qualities and the fact that it feels like all the “good ones” are gone at this stage. Am I simply hoping for too much?
However, we had little to no sexual chemistry. I struggle to explain why this was; all I know is that once the NRE had worn off about a year in, I lost almost all desire to have sex with him. There was no obvious hormonal or medical reason for this, and nothing dramatic had changed about his actions or appearance. Part of it may have stemmed from the fact that he was incredibly reluctant to try anything new sexually (I was always the one to suggest trying anything remotely new or out of the norm and often felt rebuffed or like he was uncomfortable with what I was proposing), and rarely initiated. We also never flirted with each other. While he did give me compliments generally, I never felt sexually desired. In short, the dynamic between us felt increasingly platonic, to the point that I cared about him deeply and respected him as a person but felt very little in the way of romantic love. If I am completely honest, I don’t think I would have been particularly perturbed if he had told me he had cheated on me (if anything, I think it would have helped me to see him as more of a sexual being). I became increasingly stressed and anxious as the relationship progressed, particularly as we began discussing moving in together. Ultimately, I ended the relationship because of this. I’m now back in the dwindling dating pool and finding it a struggle. I’m concerned about whether meeting someone in time to have a family is a realistic possibility and keep wondering whether I’ve made a terrible mistake and should have married my ex given his many amazing qualities and the fact that it feels like all the “good ones” are gone at this stage. Am I simply hoping for too much?
Best answer: tl;dr: It's important if *you* say it's important. And to want your vital needs – whatever they are – met by your partner is never hoping for too much.
That being said, it's actually far more about compatibility, which is the most important component of any successful relationship. For example, if sex isn't that important to either person, cool! There are thousands of ways that compatibility shows up in relationships. But the short answer is that if you wanted and needed something from your partner that you knew you would never get, then you were not compatible in a way that is clearly very important to you. The stress and anxiety was your body's way of telling you this too. So, you were correct to call it off.
My experience: After a handful of relationships all lasting approximately two years or so, I met my (now ex) husband and we got married when I was in my mid-30s. And in many ways we were a great match – we made each other laugh and had a comfort level together that I'd not previously shared with other partners. But we were never sexually compatible. After nine years, we separated. This was about five years ago, and in that time I can see that the sexual incompatibility played a big part in ways we grew apart. There is, of course, way more to it than that, but it was a big part of it for me. Turns out sex and intimacy are actually extremely important to me, and I learned that to disregard that part of myself was a mistake, and that I deserve more.
When I started looking to date again (at 46) I got very real with myself about what I wanted – sex stuff included. Fortunately I did not have to look long to find a person who's a great match in that way and more. Some people will say that the sex will fade with age so it's not important, but I think they forget that the intimacy that often comes with it does wonders at any age. And that earlier sexual bond will help carry that on. You CAN find someone that will be compatible with you in that way and the other ways that are important to you as well. The "good" ones are never all gone.
My advice (based on a therapy exercise from many years ago): Make an exhaustive list of every single thing you want to find in a partner. Get specific – the more granular, the better. For example, don't put down "good sense of humor" but more like "loves trading silly Monty Python quotes" or "hates cringe humor but loves puns". Now, the point of this exercise is NOT to find someone with every single one of these qualities. Instead you will see as you go which ones really start to stand out to you, and in what ways that might show up. An example from mine was "must own a car", which put together with other things on the list really meant "is self-sufficient so that I don't always have to drive us places", which really distilled down to "I want someone who can take of themself, so we can then care for each other in more equal parts". Then do yourself a favor, and stay very true to yourself as you search for a new partner – don't let anyone dim your light. Not saying it's easy, but it's worth it.
Lastly I'd be remiss not to recommend Come As You Are, the excellent book that sheds such amazing light on sexual compatibility and so much more. Check it out!
posted by Molasses808 at 2:23 PM on June 2 [29 favorites]
That being said, it's actually far more about compatibility, which is the most important component of any successful relationship. For example, if sex isn't that important to either person, cool! There are thousands of ways that compatibility shows up in relationships. But the short answer is that if you wanted and needed something from your partner that you knew you would never get, then you were not compatible in a way that is clearly very important to you. The stress and anxiety was your body's way of telling you this too. So, you were correct to call it off.
My experience: After a handful of relationships all lasting approximately two years or so, I met my (now ex) husband and we got married when I was in my mid-30s. And in many ways we were a great match – we made each other laugh and had a comfort level together that I'd not previously shared with other partners. But we were never sexually compatible. After nine years, we separated. This was about five years ago, and in that time I can see that the sexual incompatibility played a big part in ways we grew apart. There is, of course, way more to it than that, but it was a big part of it for me. Turns out sex and intimacy are actually extremely important to me, and I learned that to disregard that part of myself was a mistake, and that I deserve more.
When I started looking to date again (at 46) I got very real with myself about what I wanted – sex stuff included. Fortunately I did not have to look long to find a person who's a great match in that way and more. Some people will say that the sex will fade with age so it's not important, but I think they forget that the intimacy that often comes with it does wonders at any age. And that earlier sexual bond will help carry that on. You CAN find someone that will be compatible with you in that way and the other ways that are important to you as well. The "good" ones are never all gone.
My advice (based on a therapy exercise from many years ago): Make an exhaustive list of every single thing you want to find in a partner. Get specific – the more granular, the better. For example, don't put down "good sense of humor" but more like "loves trading silly Monty Python quotes" or "hates cringe humor but loves puns". Now, the point of this exercise is NOT to find someone with every single one of these qualities. Instead you will see as you go which ones really start to stand out to you, and in what ways that might show up. An example from mine was "must own a car", which put together with other things on the list really meant "is self-sufficient so that I don't always have to drive us places", which really distilled down to "I want someone who can take of themself, so we can then care for each other in more equal parts". Then do yourself a favor, and stay very true to yourself as you search for a new partner – don't let anyone dim your light. Not saying it's easy, but it's worth it.
Lastly I'd be remiss not to recommend Come As You Are, the excellent book that sheds such amazing light on sexual compatibility and so much more. Check it out!
posted by Molasses808 at 2:23 PM on June 2 [29 favorites]
You did not make a big mistake. The mistake would have been getting more enmeshed financially, emotionally, and parentally with someone you are ultimately incompatible with. I think you both would have ended up unhappy, resentful, and stressed, but at that point the breakup/divorce would have potentially been more complicated.
Dating is rough, but it is possible to meet someone. As you move forward you'll need to be both clear in what you want both to yourself and to who you date. You want a long-term relationship leading to starting a family together. Great. Own it. Only spend your time with people who want the same thing as you. Don't waste any time with someone who seems great, but isn't open to the same things you are. Don't waste months and years hoping someone who looks good on paper comes around.
posted by brookeb at 2:47 PM on June 2 [5 favorites]
Dating is rough, but it is possible to meet someone. As you move forward you'll need to be both clear in what you want both to yourself and to who you date. You want a long-term relationship leading to starting a family together. Great. Own it. Only spend your time with people who want the same thing as you. Don't waste any time with someone who seems great, but isn't open to the same things you are. Don't waste months and years hoping someone who looks good on paper comes around.
posted by brookeb at 2:47 PM on June 2 [5 favorites]
If you were 92 then maybe it would be worth holding on to someone you weren't sexually compatible with, on the basis that you just plain don't have many years left to live. But you're not, you are 32 and from your description, you don't want to spend the next 20,30,40.50 or 60 years not feeling sexually desired.
Yes, meeting someone in time to have a family is a realistic possibility. Many women first meet the father of their child in their 30s.
posted by plonkee at 2:51 PM on June 2 [8 favorites]
Yes, meeting someone in time to have a family is a realistic possibility. Many women first meet the father of their child in their 30s.
posted by plonkee at 2:51 PM on June 2 [8 favorites]
If that was as good as it got, it was probably gunna get a lot worse if you stuck to it. It started good... and then it kinda faded? It was probably going to keep fading. Five years from now the guy who never initiated sex might stop having any initiating at anything else either.
Sometimes a lack of sex drive in a guy has nothing to do with porn, and has a lot to do with depression and stress. I have seen a few young, responsible, realistic guys who who are leaning ace. It just makes sense when they don't have the feeling that they can handle anything an active sex life throws at them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:55 PM on June 2 [4 favorites]
Sometimes a lack of sex drive in a guy has nothing to do with porn, and has a lot to do with depression and stress. I have seen a few young, responsible, realistic guys who who are leaning ace. It just makes sense when they don't have the feeling that they can handle anything an active sex life throws at them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:55 PM on June 2 [4 favorites]
It’s critical. Shared values, respect, sense of humor, similar goals—these are the bricks of a relationship, but chemistry is the mortar.
posted by Ollie at 4:50 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]
posted by Ollie at 4:50 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]
I don't think you're hoping for too much, but I do think it might be useful to learn more about sexual communication and initiation, especially if it's not the first time you've experienced a change in attraction following the fading of new relationship energy (aka limerance).
I recommend the latest Pillow Talks podcast, Maybe it's not low libido, which touches on a number of reasons the attraction dies down. Available on Apple podcasts or listen on YouTube here.
posted by Frenchy67 at 5:13 PM on June 2
I recommend the latest Pillow Talks podcast, Maybe it's not low libido, which touches on a number of reasons the attraction dies down. Available on Apple podcasts or listen on YouTube here.
posted by Frenchy67 at 5:13 PM on June 2
There are people out there for whom sex is kind of optional, and it sounds like maybe your ex is one of those[0]. But you definitely aren't! It sounds like it is very important for you, and that's what matters. I would take your experience as an indication for the future about what you need to be happy in a relationship.
[0] He might be ace and kind of messed up about it, people can find this a very hard thing to admit to themselves or a partner.
posted by BungaDunga at 5:18 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]
[0] He might be ace and kind of messed up about it, people can find this a very hard thing to admit to themselves or a partner.
posted by BungaDunga at 5:18 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]
I (39F) broke up with a man last year for the same reason. I occasionally do miss the great things about him but overall, I don't regret it at all - he turned out to be a great platonic friend but the relationship lacked something important to me, which is feeling sexual desire and attraction. I should have ended it sooner, in fact, I stayed with him for about 6-9 months too long hoping the spark would return (and feeling "shallow" for caring about it) but it never did. I think with time you'll realize it was the right choice.
posted by CancerSucks at 6:20 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]
posted by CancerSucks at 6:20 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]
It might have been difficult to start a family if nobody actually wants to have sex. I think it's fine to cut this one loose.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:21 PM on June 2
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:21 PM on June 2
As others have said above. I think it is way more about sexual compatibility than attraction.
My first partner was not particularly sexually attractive to me. But we still got involved and fell in love. But, our differences in our compatibility, (and us growing up and getting out of HS, and making it through several years of a LDR, and then becoming very different people), led to the end of that. But, it could have been a thing.
You have plenty of time to find your family.
Find your family.
posted by Windopaene at 6:48 PM on June 2
My first partner was not particularly sexually attractive to me. But we still got involved and fell in love. But, our differences in our compatibility, (and us growing up and getting out of HS, and making it through several years of a LDR, and then becoming very different people), led to the end of that. But, it could have been a thing.
You have plenty of time to find your family.
Find your family.
posted by Windopaene at 6:48 PM on June 2
Can't edit...
You be you. Let your family find you.
posted by Windopaene at 7:01 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]
You be you. Let your family find you.
posted by Windopaene at 7:01 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]
I think that's too soon for that big of a decrease. One of my big regrets is not prioritizing my own enthusiasm for sex with my partner and sexual chemistry when I married about your age. Many years later, I am divorced and prioritizing that now. I don't exactly regret my marriage, but I really regret not being brave enough to know what I wanted more of in a relationship. I settled for emotional security when I should have ended the relationship and looked for a partner who was a better fit for me.
I know it's hard to move on, and sometimes it's easy to forget the bad things about a former relationship when we feel lonely. But you did make the right decision. Hang in there.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:19 PM on June 2 [2 favorites]
I know it's hard to move on, and sometimes it's easy to forget the bad things about a former relationship when we feel lonely. But you did make the right decision. Hang in there.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:19 PM on June 2 [2 favorites]
Briefly, this is important to some people more than others. But it's really important to me and it sounds like it's really important to you, and I think you made the right call for you! It's pretty obvious you could not have been happy 'settling' with this guy who you weren't romantically/sexually compatible with.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:14 PM on June 2
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:14 PM on June 2
I suggest that you're discovering your values by noticing how you feel when they are in deficit in an intimate relationship. It's sad that we learn these things through the very relationships that fail (or succeed) because of how these values do or don't align between people, but it's useful to be aware of them as you move into your future. Going into a new relationship, you can now represent your values better, to yourself and to prospective partners, as in, for example, "in relationships I deeply value feeling sexually desired, and I'm open to learning new ways of experiencing this--because I also value novelty and curiosity in sex--while I already know that I appreciate how flirting and other overt expressions of romantic interest really fuel my sexual energy. In the past it's been difficult for me to maintain passion in relationships that lack these things, and the absence of that passion has been significant enough that it's been a reason I've ended otherwise happy and good relationships."
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:37 AM on June 3 [4 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:37 AM on June 3 [4 favorites]
Trying to stick it out with someone when you aren't sexually compatible is a recipe for resentment. Don't beat yourself up, if your sex life dies at a year and the desire to revive it isn't there for both partners I think you did the right thing walking away.
posted by ch1x0r at 5:42 AM on June 3 [1 favorite]
posted by ch1x0r at 5:42 AM on June 3 [1 favorite]
Breaking up with somebody is a lot of work. If this was important enough for you to go through all of that then it is something in your life that is not going to go away.
So…. Sexual compatibility is important to many people, and you appear to be one of them. I wouldn’t try to override yourself on this.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on June 3 [1 favorite]
So…. Sexual compatibility is important to many people, and you appear to be one of them. I wouldn’t try to override yourself on this.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on June 3 [1 favorite]
While I agree with other commenters that lack of sexual chemistry is an excellent reason to break up with someone, I'd also like to offer a slightly different perspective by suggesting the following questions for your consideration:
1. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "I would like to have better and more interesting sex with you. I tried suggesting XYZ but you rebuffed me. So let's figure out some other kinds of sex we can try which you would also like?"
2. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "Hey it would be nice if you initiated sex more often. Right now it feels like I'm doing most or all of it, and it's making me feel like you don't desire me sexually. Will you please try to initiate more? Will you please work at making me feel wanted? I would love to bring back flirting and teasing and sexual fun."
3. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "I'm unhappy with our sexual relationship. It seems like we've lost our chemistry. Have you noticed this? Does it bother you? Can we work on it? Can we see a sex therapist?"
... you get my point. It seems like perhaps you tried to address the problem without telling him that you think there is a problem. Like, you were communicative enough to ask for the kind of sex you want, but you were also uncommunicative and conflict-avoidant because you didn't tell him you were increasingly frustrated with your sex life and increasingly unable to see him as a sexual being at all. You were hoping he would figure out how unhappy you were by noticing that you were asking for something different, and noticing that he was rebuffing you. That's a little too indirect.
In a world where connection is hard to find and good partners are seemingly so so so rare, it might have been worth being talking about your unhappiness directly and without going sideways.
Again, this is not to say you did the wrong thing in breaking up, or that you didn't have valid reasons to break up. Heck, you don't need any reason to break up at all, because as Cheryl Strayed said, wanting to leave is enough. I'm just saying, if you feel this relationship is great in every other way, then maybe it's worth the risk of trying to actually fix it in a direct way? Even if that might mean conflict, or hurting his feelings, or whatever.
posted by MiraK at 8:14 AM on June 3 [6 favorites]
1. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "I would like to have better and more interesting sex with you. I tried suggesting XYZ but you rebuffed me. So let's figure out some other kinds of sex we can try which you would also like?"
2. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "Hey it would be nice if you initiated sex more often. Right now it feels like I'm doing most or all of it, and it's making me feel like you don't desire me sexually. Will you please try to initiate more? Will you please work at making me feel wanted? I would love to bring back flirting and teasing and sexual fun."
3. Did you ever say, in explicit words, something like, "I'm unhappy with our sexual relationship. It seems like we've lost our chemistry. Have you noticed this? Does it bother you? Can we work on it? Can we see a sex therapist?"
... you get my point. It seems like perhaps you tried to address the problem without telling him that you think there is a problem. Like, you were communicative enough to ask for the kind of sex you want, but you were also uncommunicative and conflict-avoidant because you didn't tell him you were increasingly frustrated with your sex life and increasingly unable to see him as a sexual being at all. You were hoping he would figure out how unhappy you were by noticing that you were asking for something different, and noticing that he was rebuffing you. That's a little too indirect.
In a world where connection is hard to find and good partners are seemingly so so so rare, it might have been worth being talking about your unhappiness directly and without going sideways.
Again, this is not to say you did the wrong thing in breaking up, or that you didn't have valid reasons to break up. Heck, you don't need any reason to break up at all, because as Cheryl Strayed said, wanting to leave is enough. I'm just saying, if you feel this relationship is great in every other way, then maybe it's worth the risk of trying to actually fix it in a direct way? Even if that might mean conflict, or hurting his feelings, or whatever.
posted by MiraK at 8:14 AM on June 3 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: There are excellent points raised here. If I’m honest, I think it was too far gone by the time I considered communicating these things directly. In other words, I already felt strongly that I wasn’t going to be able to regain sexual feelings for my partner by the time I considered being as direct and explicit as this comment suggests. I think the lesson for me for future relationships is to communicate directly with my partner about all issues and concerns as soon as they arise, and before they become too significant (that’s not to say it would have changed the outcome in this case, but it might have).
posted by neverforget88 at 8:34 AM on June 3 [10 favorites]
posted by neverforget88 at 8:34 AM on June 3 [10 favorites]
lots of answers assume that women’s sexual desires are passive, reactive, and barely-there at best: a pure reaction to men’s treatment of us, a good or a bad grade for their sex skills and secret fantasy habits. like we are infinitely malleable, there to be turned on or off depending on the virtue and the skill level of the switch operator. but you did not say: I am passionately attracted to him until he opens his mouth. you did not say: I look forward all day to going to bed with him and then I get mad at him and can’t stand to touch him anymore. you are real; your sexuality is real; your patterns, if this is a pattern you’ve established with other partners, are real.
one thing about men is unless they are total creeps they can tell that you aren’t particularly attracted anymore, and this may depress them or turn them off even if they don’t hold it against you. so, no surprise that he wasn’t trying to seduce you out of your disinterest in him. being found sexually boring is also not exactly stimulating. neither is it something you should have lied about or tried to pester him out of.
you didn’t make a mistake unless you would have been happy living and co-parenting with a platonic best friend. some people would. but it’s as tricky as true love to make such a relationship secure and permanent.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:40 AM on June 3 [9 favorites]
one thing about men is unless they are total creeps they can tell that you aren’t particularly attracted anymore, and this may depress them or turn them off even if they don’t hold it against you. so, no surprise that he wasn’t trying to seduce you out of your disinterest in him. being found sexually boring is also not exactly stimulating. neither is it something you should have lied about or tried to pester him out of.
you didn’t make a mistake unless you would have been happy living and co-parenting with a platonic best friend. some people would. but it’s as tricky as true love to make such a relationship secure and permanent.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:40 AM on June 3 [9 favorites]
probably addiction to some flavor of porn very distant from whatever was the norm in your relationship
weirdly narrow and uncharitable framing of the totally real possibility that, yes, he might have some preferences that are not the norm in the relationship and have some difficulty being open about them
(and, of course, an illustration of why he might have some difficulty being open about them)
posted by atoxyl at 1:45 PM on June 3 [8 favorites]
weirdly narrow and uncharitable framing of the totally real possibility that, yes, he might have some preferences that are not the norm in the relationship and have some difficulty being open about them
(and, of course, an illustration of why he might have some difficulty being open about them)
posted by atoxyl at 1:45 PM on June 3 [8 favorites]
I think it's pretty cosmically unfair that NRE can obscure long-term sexual incompatibility. I wonder if that phenomenon is part of why you're feeling uncertain here--you did have a period of time in the relationship when every sexual encounter was new in some way, most interactions had an element of flirtation/charm/romantic attention, and you were both psyched to be together. It's hard to feel bored and undesired when you're in NRE. Combine that with him being perfect on paper, and it's understandable you'd have some second thoughts after breaking up with him.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:25 PM on June 3 [2 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:25 PM on June 3 [2 favorites]
>I’m now back in the dwindling dating pool and finding it a struggle. I’m concerned about whether meeting someone in time to have a family is a realistic possibility and keep wondering whether I’ve made a terrible mistake and should have married my ex given his many amazing qualities and the fact that it feels like all the “good ones” are gone at this stage.
I'm just gonna address this part. Obviously you wouldn't be thinking about getting back together with him (which was the right move, others have commented on this already) if your dating experiences were going well, so keep moving forward.
If you're on the apps, google Burned Haystack Dating Method (which I found out about on AskMefi ☺️ ). The idea is to burn through the haystack (block everyone who is sexually suggestive, low effort, generic, doesn't have good grammar etc.) to find the needle. I.e. someone who is respectful and interested in you. They may not be YOUR needle, but it makes the whole dating experience a lot better when you're talking to kind and respectful people. Note that it is geared more to women 40 and up, but I think its principles apply to anyone at any age and in other life scenarios.
posted by foxjacket at 5:18 AM on June 4
I'm just gonna address this part. Obviously you wouldn't be thinking about getting back together with him (which was the right move, others have commented on this already) if your dating experiences were going well, so keep moving forward.
If you're on the apps, google Burned Haystack Dating Method (which I found out about on AskMefi ☺️ ). The idea is to burn through the haystack (block everyone who is sexually suggestive, low effort, generic, doesn't have good grammar etc.) to find the needle. I.e. someone who is respectful and interested in you. They may not be YOUR needle, but it makes the whole dating experience a lot better when you're talking to kind and respectful people. Note that it is geared more to women 40 and up, but I think its principles apply to anyone at any age and in other life scenarios.
posted by foxjacket at 5:18 AM on June 4
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I'm sorry this happened to you, and no, it's not "too much to ask" to want a nice partner who's also sexually excited by and exciting to you. Hang in there!
posted by Bardolph at 2:20 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]