Break ups before marriage - does it ever happen?
May 5, 2010 9:15 AM Subscribe
Breaking up before getting married - does it ever happen?
We were going out for seven happy years. Then came the issue of marriage and kids. Having not really thought clearly enough about how these things were set to pan out, I panicked and ended the relationship. But I'm still harbouring hope of some sort of reconciliation in the future.
With that in mind: has anyone ever broken up before they got married? What were the factors that pulled you apart? How did you resolve them? Can you grow up/mature in a break up? Is it a necessary rite of passage before marriage - or a sign that you are with the wrong person?
We were going out for seven happy years. Then came the issue of marriage and kids. Having not really thought clearly enough about how these things were set to pan out, I panicked and ended the relationship. But I'm still harbouring hope of some sort of reconciliation in the future.
With that in mind: has anyone ever broken up before they got married? What were the factors that pulled you apart? How did you resolve them? Can you grow up/mature in a break up? Is it a necessary rite of passage before marriage - or a sign that you are with the wrong person?
Yup. Things change, your relative position in life changes, your relationship changes over time, and suddenly you're not at the same place you were when you wanted to get married.
Divorce is expensive, speaking from experience; if you're really not sure you want to marry someone, don't do it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2010
Divorce is expensive, speaking from experience; if you're really not sure you want to marry someone, don't do it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2010
Best answer: In order:
Yes. Happens all the time.
As many factors as break up anyone else.
Time, effort or realization that they really aren't that big a deal.
Could be one, could be the other. Could be both.
Your issue is nowhere near unique. What you need to do is sit down with your SO (or email him or her, or however you're able to communicate at this point) and say, "Okay, sorry I panicked. I want to discuss this like a grown-up human being now." Lay out your issues and hers/his. This conversation will either A) make you both realize that you're still crazy about each other, and the differences are minor in the face of that, or B) make you both realize that it just won't work, and it's better to be friends if at all possible, but you just want different things out of life.
Best of luck.
posted by Etrigan at 9:24 AM on May 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
Yes. Happens all the time.
As many factors as break up anyone else.
Time, effort or realization that they really aren't that big a deal.
Could be one, could be the other. Could be both.
Your issue is nowhere near unique. What you need to do is sit down with your SO (or email him or her, or however you're able to communicate at this point) and say, "Okay, sorry I panicked. I want to discuss this like a grown-up human being now." Lay out your issues and hers/his. This conversation will either A) make you both realize that you're still crazy about each other, and the differences are minor in the face of that, or B) make you both realize that it just won't work, and it's better to be friends if at all possible, but you just want different things out of life.
Best of luck.
posted by Etrigan at 9:24 AM on May 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's a change in the dynamic. It's one thing to live together "for now," on a day to day basis, even if this goes on for years, or decades. You always know where the door is, and you are not entangled to the degree that you would be if you were married. To leave a marriage is a far larger thing, in financial and other ways.
If I live with you, I could be gone tomorrow. . .if I am married to you, I can be gone tomorrow, but in other ways, I will need to deal with you for the unforeseen future.
So, yeah. . .understandable. Also very sad.
posted by Danf at 9:24 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I live with you, I could be gone tomorrow. . .if I am married to you, I can be gone tomorrow, but in other ways, I will need to deal with you for the unforeseen future.
So, yeah. . .understandable. Also very sad.
posted by Danf at 9:24 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not entirely sure which scenario you mean by "broken up before," but the answer is Definitely. I've seen permanently and temporarily broken-off engagements, and couples who broke up long engagement, gotten back together (sometimes repeatedly!) and then got married.
Marriage out of obligation to your partner is a horrible event that breeds mutual resentment, hostility and lives of desperation. Marriage with the expectation that the other individual will capitulate w/r/t having kids is even worse, regardless of whether they do or not.
Is it a necessary rite of passage before marriage - or a sign that you are with the wrong person?
This is a false dichotomy and you would do yourself a solid to recognize it as such. So is the idea that a break-up indicates that you are with the "wrong" person. You seem to be thinking about this all in very concrete and unambiguous terms. Unfortunately, the dynamics are the furthest thing from, and the only broad stroke with which you can paint a relationship or marriage is that it is utterly different than every other one.
posted by griphus at 9:29 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Marriage out of obligation to your partner is a horrible event that breeds mutual resentment, hostility and lives of desperation. Marriage with the expectation that the other individual will capitulate w/r/t having kids is even worse, regardless of whether they do or not.
Is it a necessary rite of passage before marriage - or a sign that you are with the wrong person?
This is a false dichotomy and you would do yourself a solid to recognize it as such. So is the idea that a break-up indicates that you are with the "wrong" person. You seem to be thinking about this all in very concrete and unambiguous terms. Unfortunately, the dynamics are the furthest thing from, and the only broad stroke with which you can paint a relationship or marriage is that it is utterly different than every other one.
posted by griphus at 9:29 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel like this has gotten lost in recent, spendy years, but...the purpose of an engagement is not to give you a year to line up the perfect caterer. It's to figure out whether or not the marriage should happen at all. The couples I've known who have called it off, made the absolute right decision.
posted by availablelight at 9:31 AM on May 5, 2010 [21 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 9:31 AM on May 5, 2010 [21 favorites]
I think the OP is asking if anyone has ever broken up and then gone ahead and married the same person shortly thereafter, since he's asking about possibilities for reconciliation. I don't know of anyone who's done exactly that, but I'm sure it must happen, since thinking about marriage can be one of those disconcerting things that makes you unsure about things you were previously sure about. And surely some of those people eventually managed to reconcile things with their partners. But I wouldn't consider it an essential rite of passage, no. Only you can say whether there is any hope of reconciliation with this girl. Seven years is a long time, but breaking up just before a marriage can be unforgivable.
posted by peacheater at 9:32 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by peacheater at 9:32 AM on May 5, 2010
Best answer: My mother and step-dad broke up before they got married. They were living together and engaged and he freaked out and said he couldn't go through with it. He moved out but was back a week later. They've been married 15 years now and are ridiculously compatible and happy.
posted by hazyjane at 9:49 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by hazyjane at 9:49 AM on May 5, 2010
My wife and I broke off our first engagement and effectively broke up as a couple for a few months. I'd hesitate to say that it's a rite of passage for all couples, but I think it was necessary for us.
There were several issues that lead to the break-up: religion, general life goals and plans, and a lot of basic immaturity on my part. Being away from her really hit me a lot harder than I thought it would- I was miserable. That made me think about those divisions, and whether I was as fully committed to my side of things as I thought I was. In retrospect, I did a lot of growing, and it was a good thing for me. It sucked a lot at the time, though.
Now, there's no way I could begin to imagine not being with my wife. She's my bestest friend in the whole wide world. And she was before we broke up, too, even if I didn't realize it. But I was in no way, shape, or form ready to get married back then. I'm kinda a person who has to learn things the hard way, though.
The really good thing is that breaking up, then getting back together, then getting re-engaged and eventually getting married is that we were able to get married on 02-02-02.
Oh, and my parents, who were high school sweethearts, broke up for a while when they were in college. My mom evidently told my dad that there was no way she'd ever marry him. So he proceeded to date every girl on her floor. And it worked.
The story goes that during their break up, they passed each other on the steps of the library. My dad was with the girl he was dating at the time. After she saw my parents look at each other in that brief moment, she immediately proposed to my dad. She figured it was her only chance. And my folks were back together within two weeks.
So my advice to you is to use this time to look into your own head and figure out where you want to be. If you're anything like me, it will become painfully obvious in short order.
Good luck!
posted by Shohn at 10:01 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
There were several issues that lead to the break-up: religion, general life goals and plans, and a lot of basic immaturity on my part. Being away from her really hit me a lot harder than I thought it would- I was miserable. That made me think about those divisions, and whether I was as fully committed to my side of things as I thought I was. In retrospect, I did a lot of growing, and it was a good thing for me. It sucked a lot at the time, though.
Now, there's no way I could begin to imagine not being with my wife. She's my bestest friend in the whole wide world. And she was before we broke up, too, even if I didn't realize it. But I was in no way, shape, or form ready to get married back then. I'm kinda a person who has to learn things the hard way, though.
The really good thing is that breaking up, then getting back together, then getting re-engaged and eventually getting married is that we were able to get married on 02-02-02.
Oh, and my parents, who were high school sweethearts, broke up for a while when they were in college. My mom evidently told my dad that there was no way she'd ever marry him. So he proceeded to date every girl on her floor. And it worked.
The story goes that during their break up, they passed each other on the steps of the library. My dad was with the girl he was dating at the time. After she saw my parents look at each other in that brief moment, she immediately proposed to my dad. She figured it was her only chance. And my folks were back together within two weeks.
So my advice to you is to use this time to look into your own head and figure out where you want to be. If you're anything like me, it will become painfully obvious in short order.
Good luck!
posted by Shohn at 10:01 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know someone who told her husband she didn't love him, on the first day of their honeymoon.
No, I don't know why she went through with the wedding either.
So, to answer your question: yes, it does happen. Relationships can develop a momentum of their own based on the expectations of one or both of the people in the relationship and others around it. In some cases this becomes an unbearable pressure that people try to deal with in the hope it goes away until quite late in the day.
The factors themselves aren't necessarily the issue - they can be the same factors that split any couple up. The key issue (IMHO) is how easy one or both people in the relationship can call a halt to things and their ability to make sense of what they really want and communicate well.
And no, it's not a rite of passage. Some people get cold feet. Lots of others don't.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
No, I don't know why she went through with the wedding either.
So, to answer your question: yes, it does happen. Relationships can develop a momentum of their own based on the expectations of one or both of the people in the relationship and others around it. In some cases this becomes an unbearable pressure that people try to deal with in the hope it goes away until quite late in the day.
The factors themselves aren't necessarily the issue - they can be the same factors that split any couple up. The key issue (IMHO) is how easy one or both people in the relationship can call a halt to things and their ability to make sense of what they really want and communicate well.
And no, it's not a rite of passage. Some people get cold feet. Lots of others don't.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I broke up with my now-wife for 5 years--no contact at all. We saw each other again after that period and realized we still loved each other...we were married after a year. We had been together some 5 years the first time around, from 18 to 23 or so, gone to college together, lived together. But the break--painful as it was--was beneficial to both of us. It allowed us to grow up a bit and gain more perspective, see other people.
So, does it happen? Yes. Is necessary? Of course not. But for us, we were too young the first time around. Maybe that's your problem, too.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:14 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, does it happen? Yes. Is necessary? Of course not. But for us, we were too young the first time around. Maybe that's your problem, too.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:14 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and good luck. I hope you resolve things either way. Breaking up is generally a shitty affair no matter how nicely it's done.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:15 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by MuffinMan at 10:15 AM on May 5, 2010
You can even break up *after* you get married and still reconcile and have a happy marriage. My husband and I got divorced and remarried (possible only because we live in Nevada, land of the quickie divorce -- in any other state the divorce wouldn't have been final before we reconciled). Splitting up for a while made us realize just how much we loved and needed each other and how completely miserable life without each other was. It gave us perspective and our marriage is rock-solid now.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:43 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 10:43 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
This conversation will either A) make you both realize that you're still crazy about each other, and the differences are minor in the face of that, or B) make you both realize that it just won't work, and it's better to be friends if at all possible, but you just want different things out of life.
Or C) that one of you wants to work it out and the other one has moved on, a harder position but one that also results in separation.
posted by Sukey Says at 10:52 AM on May 5, 2010
Or C) that one of you wants to work it out and the other one has moved on, a harder position but one that also results in separation.
posted by Sukey Says at 10:52 AM on May 5, 2010
Had a very close friend who broke up the night before the wedding. His bride-to-be asked if he still wanted to go through with the wedding. He paused. Thought. Said NO and walked away. The wedding was very costly...in one of the finest hotels in NY, and the father-in-law gave his intended son in law a Rolex etc etc...all of that was down the drain. Those two never reconciled. And the bride to be was devestated.
posted by Postroad at 11:16 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by Postroad at 11:16 AM on May 5, 2010
Best answer: Sure it happens. Some people break up and then end up married anyway. However, sometimes people get back together because they're lonely, sad, and miss the familiarity of having the other person around, not because they really dealt with the issues that caused the breakup in the first place. Reading through some of your previous activity, it seems like the two of you had some major differences in how you viewed the relationship and what you wanted out of it. It seems like you spent a lot of years not communicating with each other very effectively. It seems like you didn't have much deep and abiding love left for her toward the end.
Unless you can demonstrate that you've actively dealt with those issues and have changed in ways that help fix what was dysfunctional about the relationship to begin with, there's not much point in speculating on whether some people sometimes marry after a breakup. You deserve to be with someone you love passionately and she deserves to be with someone who has the same family and lifestyle goals as she does for the relationship journey.
posted by mostlymartha at 2:00 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Unless you can demonstrate that you've actively dealt with those issues and have changed in ways that help fix what was dysfunctional about the relationship to begin with, there's not much point in speculating on whether some people sometimes marry after a breakup. You deserve to be with someone you love passionately and she deserves to be with someone who has the same family and lifestyle goals as she does for the relationship journey.
posted by mostlymartha at 2:00 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
This happens to a lot of couples. Everyone knows someone or IS someone who has broken off a relationship when faced with the prospect of marriage. Sometimes the couples reconcile; sometimes they don't.
Nobody here knows the likelihood that your relationship will reconcile; we don't know you or the details of your relationship and breakup. Only you and your ex know the answer to that.
If you know you want a reconciliation, you could talk to your ex to "test the waters" and see if you think a reconciliation is possible. But you can't MAKE it happen, and it's best if you don't try.
Also know that it's okay to want to reconcile, but don't delay moving on with your life because you're waiting to get back together with your ex.
posted by cleverevans at 2:07 PM on May 5, 2010
Nobody here knows the likelihood that your relationship will reconcile; we don't know you or the details of your relationship and breakup. Only you and your ex know the answer to that.
If you know you want a reconciliation, you could talk to your ex to "test the waters" and see if you think a reconciliation is possible. But you can't MAKE it happen, and it's best if you don't try.
Also know that it's okay to want to reconcile, but don't delay moving on with your life because you're waiting to get back together with your ex.
posted by cleverevans at 2:07 PM on May 5, 2010
7 years and you never thought about marriage? Really? I am very surprised to hear that. Is your relationship something you work on, make better, make an important part of your life? Or something that just happened?
Absolutely you can mature during a break up. You can also mature in your relationship. More or less you will keep being alive over time, which hopefully leads to gained relationship skills, and maturity. Another vital ingredient of this recipe is a shared trajectory for your lives. It sounds like you told her you didn't share her vision of the future, and weren't willing to think about it. That's a pretty good reason to break up.
Are you asking this question with the hope/idea that you may get together in a few years, again that it will "just happen" some how?
Or are you asking this because you've had a sudden change of heart, and want to know if there is some kind of superstition/voodoo curse/ star alignment/ folk saying/ personal anecdote about break ups before marriage? Cause if thats the case, fuck it. You're a real person with a real life. She's a real person with a real life. It's not a story; you are not the grand narrator of your life. You can not apply fiction, fact or fate to your actions. Go back out there and work on things.
posted by fontophilic at 2:12 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Absolutely you can mature during a break up. You can also mature in your relationship. More or less you will keep being alive over time, which hopefully leads to gained relationship skills, and maturity. Another vital ingredient of this recipe is a shared trajectory for your lives. It sounds like you told her you didn't share her vision of the future, and weren't willing to think about it. That's a pretty good reason to break up.
Are you asking this question with the hope/idea that you may get together in a few years, again that it will "just happen" some how?
Or are you asking this because you've had a sudden change of heart, and want to know if there is some kind of superstition/voodoo curse/ star alignment/ folk saying/ personal anecdote about break ups before marriage? Cause if thats the case, fuck it. You're a real person with a real life. She's a real person with a real life. It's not a story; you are not the grand narrator of your life. You can not apply fiction, fact or fate to your actions. Go back out there and work on things.
posted by fontophilic at 2:12 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mr. Corpse and I sort of broke up back in the first year we were dating, when I moved 3,000 miles and he didn't. But then he did and now we're married and have little Corpses running around.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:56 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:56 PM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
My mom broke up with her college boyfriend after a misunderstanding; they got married some 50 years later, and they're still happily together.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:58 PM on May 5, 2010
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:58 PM on May 5, 2010
My wife and I "broke up" 2 or 3 times during a rough year. For intervals of a few days to a few months. We were in our mid-to-late 20s at the time. Maybe a year after all the drama we moved across the country together, and 2 years after that got married.
posted by 2dimages at 5:13 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by 2dimages at 5:13 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband of fifteen years and I broke off our engagement because of infidelity in our long distance relationship. It was a good choice for us. It was ridiculous that we were making wedding plans when we'd never spent more than 8 consecutive days together. After college, we were able to move in together and get to know each other as real people, and not the semi-fake people we were on our weekends and vacations.
But, we did not have incompatibility when it came to the big problems in marriage. We both wanted kids, marriage, and were willing to compromise on career and living plans.
posted by saffry at 5:27 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
But, we did not have incompatibility when it came to the big problems in marriage. We both wanted kids, marriage, and were willing to compromise on career and living plans.
posted by saffry at 5:27 PM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My parents broke up because they decided they were never going to end up marrying each other. And then got back together and got married. And then got divorced 28 years and two kids later. They're the models for a happy divorce, though. (I mean, obviously there were issues, in this case money issues) But they're best friends now. And now Mom's in a relationship with her old college boyfriend. (hell, maybe the moral of that story is that my Mom just needs to fish in a bigger pond!) My cousin's husband also stood her up at their first wedding. They went through with it for real a year later, and it seems to be working for them.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:50 PM on May 5, 2010
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:50 PM on May 5, 2010
Best answer: A close relative of mine broke up with her boyfriend basically saying that she needed a break. In the end...a few months later they got back together and eventually got married and now have a kid. On the surface it appears that everything is good between them. Although I often wonder if my relative is truly in love with this man. As it is my firm belief that she wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place if she was. In your case there could be two things going on here:
1. You have a legitimate concern about marriage and children in general. Meaning you may not be sure if you want them with anybody. So it's not that you don't love your SO you just may not want marriage and kids or you didn't want them at the time you broke up and now you've changed your mind.
2. You broke up citing fear of marriange and children...but you were really just unsure about your SO. Meaning you weren't ready to make the full commitment to them for whatever reason, but perhaps you will be with someone else.
The answer? You have to decide. If it's a simple fear of marriage and kids, perhaps it's time to take a step back and start talking to your SO about what's on your mind. Maybe you feel differently now. Certainly, if you don't want those things no matter what, then it's just not gonna work out. On the flip side, if you ended things for other reasons...then I think it was the right thing to do. You don't want to regret getting married. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 10:58 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. You have a legitimate concern about marriage and children in general. Meaning you may not be sure if you want them with anybody. So it's not that you don't love your SO you just may not want marriage and kids or you didn't want them at the time you broke up and now you've changed your mind.
2. You broke up citing fear of marriange and children...but you were really just unsure about your SO. Meaning you weren't ready to make the full commitment to them for whatever reason, but perhaps you will be with someone else.
The answer? You have to decide. If it's a simple fear of marriage and kids, perhaps it's time to take a step back and start talking to your SO about what's on your mind. Maybe you feel differently now. Certainly, if you don't want those things no matter what, then it's just not gonna work out. On the flip side, if you ended things for other reasons...then I think it was the right thing to do. You don't want to regret getting married. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 10:58 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Thirty eight years ago, my Dad broke up with my Mom. Two days later he said he had made a huge mistake, and proposed. They've been together ever since. It's been a "successful" marriage, but, from the point of view of someone who lived with them for 18 years, not a happy one.
A friend's brother broke off his engagement 5 years ago, had a year of little contact with his former fiancee, got re-engaged to her, got married... and they divorced within a year over the issue of whether or not to have children.
The first case says, it can "work" if both people are committed to it and make the active decision to remain married, but if there were incompatibilities they won't necessarily go away.
The second case says, if neither party really thinks through why they broke up, and what's changed, and how they will address disagreements going forward... they'll be right back at the same place before too long.
posted by MsMolly at 7:24 PM on May 6, 2010
A friend's brother broke off his engagement 5 years ago, had a year of little contact with his former fiancee, got re-engaged to her, got married... and they divorced within a year over the issue of whether or not to have children.
The first case says, it can "work" if both people are committed to it and make the active decision to remain married, but if there were incompatibilities they won't necessarily go away.
The second case says, if neither party really thinks through why they broke up, and what's changed, and how they will address disagreements going forward... they'll be right back at the same place before too long.
posted by MsMolly at 7:24 PM on May 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by anastasiav at 9:18 AM on May 5, 2010 [3 favorites]