Petfree dating in my 30s
January 9, 2024 6:40 PM Subscribe
I am single, male, 32, dating women, and I do not want to date people with pets. At this point in my life I am dating monogamously for a long-term relationship, and I do not want to live with a pet. I am allergic to cats and do not enjoy the company of cats or dogs.
But now for some reason everyone has a pet! And I don't know how to effectively meet people without pets.
In my early 20s, this was not a major issue; nobody had pets in college and most people didn't rush to get pets immediately after college.
Dating online, there isn't even an option most most dating apps to filter by pet ownership, and if there were it would be useless because lots of people do not list their pet in their profile.
I've met lots of fantastic people face to face where we had quick social chemistry but as soon as the conversation topic comes up, it will turn out they have a pet.
And unfortunately, I've found people who are "my type" and available in their late 20s/early 30s are especially likely to be pet owners; people who don't own pets are often really different in personality from the sort of person I have chemistry with.
I just wish I had a strategy or place to work from here. Where are the cool people my age without pets hanging out?
In my early 20s, this was not a major issue; nobody had pets in college and most people didn't rush to get pets immediately after college.
Dating online, there isn't even an option most most dating apps to filter by pet ownership, and if there were it would be useless because lots of people do not list their pet in their profile.
I've met lots of fantastic people face to face where we had quick social chemistry but as soon as the conversation topic comes up, it will turn out they have a pet.
And unfortunately, I've found people who are "my type" and available in their late 20s/early 30s are especially likely to be pet owners; people who don't own pets are often really different in personality from the sort of person I have chemistry with.
I just wish I had a strategy or place to work from here. Where are the cool people my age without pets hanging out?
Put major relationship requirements and deal-breakers in your profile, save everyone the time.
posted by Elysum at 7:04 PM on January 9, 2024 [35 favorites]
posted by Elysum at 7:04 PM on January 9, 2024 [35 favorites]
Is there any angle where you could mention, prominently, the allergy, but you're fine with reptiles or fish? If you are, of course. Maybe those people have the chemistry without exposing you to the allergy? I am a little confused by part of it...seems like you have chemistry with pet people so not sure if this could work or if you truly need pet free. Sorry if I'm way off.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:19 PM on January 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:19 PM on January 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
For some people, perhaps subconsciously, it's a proxy for showing your capacity for nurturing and caretaking. Perhaps you can balance it with a different non-pet-related hobby that hits a similar note, like gardening.
posted by dum spiro spero at 7:36 PM on January 9, 2024 [23 favorites]
posted by dum spiro spero at 7:36 PM on January 9, 2024 [23 favorites]
Yup, this is "put it right in your profile" territory. It won't completely resolve this but it ought to cut down and help you and the pet-lovers waste less of each other's time.
Otherwise I wonder if you could lean hard into looking for people with lifestyles that are harder for pet compatibility, like people who travel a lot or have really time consuming hobbies so they're not home much. But maybe those are the kind of people who are a personality mismatch in other ways?
posted by Stacey at 7:44 PM on January 9, 2024 [9 favorites]
Otherwise I wonder if you could lean hard into looking for people with lifestyles that are harder for pet compatibility, like people who travel a lot or have really time consuming hobbies so they're not home much. But maybe those are the kind of people who are a personality mismatch in other ways?
posted by Stacey at 7:44 PM on January 9, 2024 [9 favorites]
I would have loved to find a profile that said “pet free by choice!” and I probably would have swiped right instantly. I love to travel and am allergic/scared of animals and while it’s very unpopular, it was a dealbreaker for me.
I said, “childfree by choice!” in mine to communicate my long term plans, and it saved a lot of conversations. The person I ultimately swiped right on was so honest in their profile I felt compelled to connect with them. I found their honesty super attractive.
posted by Juniper Toast at 7:59 PM on January 9, 2024 [11 favorites]
I said, “childfree by choice!” in mine to communicate my long term plans, and it saved a lot of conversations. The person I ultimately swiped right on was so honest in their profile I felt compelled to connect with them. I found their honesty super attractive.
posted by Juniper Toast at 7:59 PM on January 9, 2024 [11 favorites]
I know for my social group that saying you don’t like animals or pets is often interpreted negatively. Maybe as suggested above include that you have allergies so can’t live with cats or dogs but you are a proud plant dad. Kinda softens any bad vibe that may come from the no pets preference by showing that you do like and can nurture other living things.
posted by forkisbetter at 8:59 PM on January 9, 2024 [21 favorites]
posted by forkisbetter at 8:59 PM on January 9, 2024 [21 favorites]
I do think it's interesting that all the people you seem to clicking with have/like pets, but that's a deal breaker for you. I might be helpful to tease out what those qualities are you can identify more clearly what you like in your profile.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting you try to make yourself like pets. Totally fine to have your preference. And you should state them in your profile.. but it's always helpful to talk more about what you do like.
posted by brookeb at 9:43 PM on January 9, 2024 [7 favorites]
To be clear, I'm not suggesting you try to make yourself like pets. Totally fine to have your preference. And you should state them in your profile.. but it's always helpful to talk more about what you do like.
posted by brookeb at 9:43 PM on January 9, 2024 [7 favorites]
Echoing other people saying to put it in profile directly.
I also imagine there are women out there with cat and dog allergies (or who live in places that don't allow large pets, which is actually most apartments in some U.S. cities!) that might have bunnies or birds instead, not sure how you feel about those animals but perhaps worth considering.
Also, this may be unpopular, but I'm a pet owner who would make compromises for the right partner. For instance, not letting my pet sleep in the bedroom/get on the bed, or living in nearby but separate apartments while being in a long term monogamous relationship (this is called LAT). Come to think of it, short of giving my pet away I would be pretty flexible otherwise. For allergies this obviously doesn't make a difference, but for disliking dogs I wonder if it's something you could compromise on with certain parameters.
posted by cboggs at 11:40 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
I also imagine there are women out there with cat and dog allergies (or who live in places that don't allow large pets, which is actually most apartments in some U.S. cities!) that might have bunnies or birds instead, not sure how you feel about those animals but perhaps worth considering.
Also, this may be unpopular, but I'm a pet owner who would make compromises for the right partner. For instance, not letting my pet sleep in the bedroom/get on the bed, or living in nearby but separate apartments while being in a long term monogamous relationship (this is called LAT). Come to think of it, short of giving my pet away I would be pretty flexible otherwise. For allergies this obviously doesn't make a difference, but for disliking dogs I wonder if it's something you could compromise on with certain parameters.
posted by cboggs at 11:40 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
I'm allergic to cats & dogs, have a dog phobia from a childhood attack, and deal with misophonia for barks, licks and chirps. You're right, it's hard out there!
I've tried several approaches on my profile: "Pet free," "No dogs," and the soft lie "I have zillions of plants but can't do fur babies, my allergies outweigh my love!"
Anything less than glowing adoration cut my replies so much that I stopped mentioning it. Now I just screen on the first date. I've found that flexible partners like cboggs will often balk at seeing it in print, but find they are willing to compromise once they get to know me. It's honestly a real prejudice!
As for me, I made a list of what I could and couldn't handle, because I had to compromise too. All my best partners have had pets. It's tricky but we made it work.
posted by lloquat at 12:58 AM on January 10, 2024 [11 favorites]
I've tried several approaches on my profile: "Pet free," "No dogs," and the soft lie "I have zillions of plants but can't do fur babies, my allergies outweigh my love!"
Anything less than glowing adoration cut my replies so much that I stopped mentioning it. Now I just screen on the first date. I've found that flexible partners like cboggs will often balk at seeing it in print, but find they are willing to compromise once they get to know me. It's honestly a real prejudice!
As for me, I made a list of what I could and couldn't handle, because I had to compromise too. All my best partners have had pets. It's tricky but we made it work.
posted by lloquat at 12:58 AM on January 10, 2024 [11 favorites]
I would not say you "don't like animals". People will think you're a sociopath. You have to contend with "most cool and loving people out there these days have or want a pet" (not picking on you, smorgasbord, it's just a good phrasing of a commonly held belief).
People are so weird about adults who don't want pets. I like other people's pets quite well, but I don't want one in my house. For many years I used my landlord as an excuse for why I didn't have a dog, but now that I own a condo people genuinely look at me like I am a murderer when I say I just don't want one. (I am also severely allergic to cats and made the mistake of telling people that it's only cats.)
So: say you have allergies, so you can't date folks with furry pets (or any pets, if you want). Don't be specific about what you're allergic to; you can talk about that later when it comes up. If you want to convey that you are still a pro-social, nurturing person (I am!!! I taught in public schools for ten years!!! I'm not a monster!!!), include some pics or descriptions of you volunteering or hanging out with your friends' kids or your nephews or whatever.
One other option: you might find that there are dogs out there you could live with. Honestly if I'd married a dog person I probably would have been fine with it eventually. Dogs, like humans, are very particular and I've known a few that would make good roommates. Just something to consider. If you make your first date a walk through the park, you can vet the person and their pet at the same time.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:55 AM on January 10, 2024 [12 favorites]
People are so weird about adults who don't want pets. I like other people's pets quite well, but I don't want one in my house. For many years I used my landlord as an excuse for why I didn't have a dog, but now that I own a condo people genuinely look at me like I am a murderer when I say I just don't want one. (I am also severely allergic to cats and made the mistake of telling people that it's only cats.)
So: say you have allergies, so you can't date folks with furry pets (or any pets, if you want). Don't be specific about what you're allergic to; you can talk about that later when it comes up. If you want to convey that you are still a pro-social, nurturing person (I am!!! I taught in public schools for ten years!!! I'm not a monster!!!), include some pics or descriptions of you volunteering or hanging out with your friends' kids or your nephews or whatever.
One other option: you might find that there are dogs out there you could live with. Honestly if I'd married a dog person I probably would have been fine with it eventually. Dogs, like humans, are very particular and I've known a few that would make good roommates. Just something to consider. If you make your first date a walk through the park, you can vet the person and their pet at the same time.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:55 AM on January 10, 2024 [12 favorites]
This is one of those things that, if truly non-negotiable, you're probably just going to have to accept as narrowing down your options quite a bit. I am allergic to and not particularly fond of cats (this, uh, significantly narrows down the already smaller queer dating pool); I have a dog but am fairly agnostic about them overall and moreover am super turned off by people who have no chill about their pets. In my experience there's no real strategy and most of it comes down to luck, but if you can own it and make peace with pet people swiping left, those who are in your position are going to feel excited to see it in your profile if you seem like a decently warm and caring person otherwise.
posted by wormtales at 7:48 AM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by wormtales at 7:48 AM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
State that upfront on your profile, and I wouldn't feel bad if you want to word it very vaguely to make it sound like you're allergic to dogs as well because some people really will test your boundaries hard on this. If/when it comes up, I try to make it joke that still states the strength of the boundary. "Haha, no seriously, introducing me to your cat will require you to then introduce me to your local ER, which tends to put a damper on an evening." And if they keep pushing, well, you don't want a partner who won't respect your needs.
Accept that it WILL cut down on your options, but it's also weeding out people that wouldn't have been viable partners anyhow.
posted by smirkette at 1:07 PM on January 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
Accept that it WILL cut down on your options, but it's also weeding out people that wouldn't have been viable partners anyhow.
posted by smirkette at 1:07 PM on January 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
If I was still dating, I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who said they didn’t LIKE animals, but would be totally fine dating someone pet-free.
Saying you don’t like animals is indeed similar to saying that you don’t like fun. As a species, humans respond well to cute and funny things, and pets/animals are a huge source of it. Even when I didn’t have a pet, I would still get a lot of joy from internet videos of cats and goats and bears and capybaras and so on. Saying you don’t like animals puts you at odds with ALL those people.
Definitely indicate in your profile that you’re incompatible with cats and dogs (allergies is a good reason!), but try to balance that out with some broad appeal things you like to rebuild common ground.
posted by itesser at 2:56 PM on January 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
Saying you don’t like animals is indeed similar to saying that you don’t like fun. As a species, humans respond well to cute and funny things, and pets/animals are a huge source of it. Even when I didn’t have a pet, I would still get a lot of joy from internet videos of cats and goats and bears and capybaras and so on. Saying you don’t like animals puts you at odds with ALL those people.
Definitely indicate in your profile that you’re incompatible with cats and dogs (allergies is a good reason!), but try to balance that out with some broad appeal things you like to rebuild common ground.
posted by itesser at 2:56 PM on January 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
I'm a male in my 40's with the exact same issue. I'd say that 75% of the profiles I see include a dog or cat, which is an immediate swipe left from me. It has really, really limited my dating pool, but my allergies are bad enough that it has to be that way.
posted by tacodave at 6:03 PM on January 10, 2024
posted by tacodave at 6:03 PM on January 10, 2024
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think that especially in this economy, pets are in many ways culturally taking the space that children would have taken, with the exception that you can have them while single. In my personal experience, I notice the single group of people least likely to have pets are often people with multiple children. How are you with kids? Would you be okay with dating a divorced person who comes with children? I think these people are less likely to be looking for a “something to love” spot. My guess is the thing you’re looking for may have something to do with the ability to reliably take care of things or nurture, which would also be activated by parenting.
posted by corb at 6:06 PM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by corb at 6:06 PM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
Where are the cool people my age without pets hanging out?
The airport. Many single people who travel a lot -- for work, for pleasure -- aren't pet owners.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:05 PM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
The airport. Many single people who travel a lot -- for work, for pleasure -- aren't pet owners.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:05 PM on January 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Several comments removed per the original poster's request.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:18 AM on January 11, 2024
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:18 AM on January 11, 2024
Take my advice with a pinch of salt because I don't do dating apps and have always sucked at them but... you could just go the radical honesty route and say something like "I'm afraid I don't like dogs or cats... But I promise I'm a nice person anyway!" Maybe something just acknowledging that this is not a common position within your dating pool.
Some pointless anecdata: what you're facing might be a regional thing as I'm a few years older than you, and work/socialise with people in the 30-50 age range, and the majority do not own pets (I own one though). However as I am not on any dating apps I don't know how many people on them in my area have pets.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:34 PM on January 11, 2024
Some pointless anecdata: what you're facing might be a regional thing as I'm a few years older than you, and work/socialise with people in the 30-50 age range, and the majority do not own pets (I own one though). However as I am not on any dating apps I don't know how many people on them in my area have pets.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:34 PM on January 11, 2024
Missed the edit window so double posting: Just to say, I am not implying you're not nice! Your position is completely reasonable. I meant maybe add something to your profile a little tongue in cheek to acknowledge that your position is somewhat rare.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:42 PM on January 11, 2024
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:42 PM on January 11, 2024
Since you're specifically asking where the people without pets are hanging out -- I think Iris Gambol's got it -- they're doing stuff that pet-people can't do! Travel is a top one; but there other hobbies that aren't very pet-friendly. People who devote a lot of time to those often simply can't have a pet. It's not 100%, but it might increase your odds of crossing paths with other folks who are pet-less by choice. Specifically: try attending some group trips/retreats/activities that involve being away from home for several days in a go. Yoga retreats on tropical islands, surf camp, volunteer trips for any number of causes, group adventure/culture trips for solo travelers, etc. I'm also thinking that among my peers, the people who enjoy very nice hotels, architecture tours, sailing, other ocean activities (swimming, parasailing), flying, and birding/wildlife photography don't have pets because pets disrupt/definitely aren't invited to those things. Good luck!
posted by luzdeluna at 8:14 AM on January 12, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by luzdeluna at 8:14 AM on January 12, 2024 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zippy at 6:59 PM on January 9, 2024 [64 favorites]