First steps for adding BDSM and Fetish play to sex life?

December 16, 2023 1:39 PM

Wife and I have long wanted to expand our horizons to include more "exotic" types of gratification. After years of mentioning them in passing, this year our New Year's resolution is to stop talking and start doing. Problem is, there's no "Kinky Sex for Dummies" books, and we have no idea where to begin. Light bondage, latex or leather fetish wear--the list of non-traditional sexual practices goes on and on. What would you do first if you were us?
posted by BadgerDoctor to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Best answer: Mojo Upgrade. It's a set of prompts for you and your partner to answer on what you'd like to do sexually and what you'd like your partner to do for you. Once you're both done, the site takes the answers you match on and sends them to you, so you only see the places where you overlap (though of course you can discuss other answers you gave). It's a great tool to start the conversation of "what should we do" and "what would you like" in a private, no pressure way.

Once you've identified some things you'd like to investigate, you can start looking for toys/low key events and talking to other kinksters about how to get into them. I'd recommend checking out /r/BDSMAdvice for some examples of the problems you might run up against and other advice to fellow newbies.

Good luck, have fun, remember to communicate at every step of the way! And remember: top drop is a thing.
posted by fight or flight at 1:47 PM on December 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Problem is, there's no "Kinky Sex for Dummies" books, and we have no idea where to begin

There is though! Please read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. They absolutely will give information and help in a safe, gentle way for newbies.
posted by lysimache at 3:38 PM on December 16, 2023 [9 favorites]

If you are in the DC area (which your profile suggests) you might check out dungeon 101 at the crucible a club for related interests (pretty easy to google). If not find a munch (a kink meetup) or look for events on the website fetlife. Feel free to memail me for more DC based advice
posted by akabobo at 4:03 PM on December 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

There’s a Netflix series “How to Build a Sex Room” that includes interviewing the clients about what they’re interested in and some have sessions with pros to try some things out (safe for Netflix, all clothed). The finished rooms are all distinct and cater to a variety of interests. Could be a starting place to see some options and talk about what you each like or don’t.
posted by momus_window at 8:20 PM on December 16, 2023

I've been to a "consent workshop" run by a venerable kinkster in my community, where the goal is to practice in a group what it's like when you're free to say yes or no to things simply according to whether you do or don't want them. There are practice exercises, where you literally pair up and ask each other questions, and practice saying no to them. Like "Would you wash my car?" "No." Then you practice saying "No, but instead, ..." and so on.

Have you ever said exactly what you want without shame? Have you ever said exactly "No" without shame when you didn't want something? These are the basis of negotiating all sex, but in particular kinky sex. I was taught other things in the schoolyard ("First, she lets you get to first base...") and that's not really a good system, right? Think about what you've been taught about sex that might not be a good system.

Why am I telling you this? Because I think the answer to your question is that you each already know what you want to do, what you might like to try together, if only you could ASK for it without putting the other person on the spot because they'd be ashamed to say NO and then you spiral around inside your own minds in shame and fear of shame, unable to talk and decide together.

So talk about what it's like to say no, and to say yes, and practice that. Practice "No, but instead, ..." You could do it at first when deciding where to eat out or something. Then when you're ready, try doing it about sex.

Also, as others say above, find a munch and meet some unabashed kinksters.
posted by fritley at 4:22 AM on December 17, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I think great kink is 95% about having really well-developed communication skills. And communicating at least as much before and after sex as during.

This website has a great resource list with books, podcasts, and videos.

And the BDSM community subreddit is great for showing normal concerns and common answers.

Also really like this framework for communicating what you would and wouldn't like sex to be like.
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 6:11 AM on December 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Oh, and Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent is a fabulous way to improve communication during sex (not kink specific). She has lots of short activities you can do together too
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 6:16 AM on December 17, 2023

Short answer: spanking! No tools required, fun for all.

Longer answer: There are a lot of paths for this to go down. Communication is key, and I got better at it as my partner and I negotiated our way towards something that was fun for both of us.
If I were you I would not be asking internet strangers what to do. These are unique conversations that you and your partner need to have, and you need to be vulnerable and honest during those conversations.
Do you want to hit or be hit? Do you want to try out different kinds of pain?
Do you want to try out role play?
Do you want to humiliate or be humiliated?
Do you want to be tied up very very slowly with exquisite knots?
When you say you want to try something exotic, what *specifically* are you picturing? Don’t tell me, I’m not your partner. Figuring this out together is part of the fun and can bring you closer.

My experience is specifically pain-oriented with light bondage, as other types of kink were not interesting to me or him, so my recommendation for starting out is to buy a sleeping mask, some clothespins, and two or three things you feel you could use to hit with. Then at some point blindfold your partner, and try out clothespinning and spanking them, and start finding out what turns them on (and what does not). It sounds weird, right? This is what worked for us, something else will work for you.

Also get a pair of bandage scissors and learn how to tie wrist cuffs that won’t tighten and cut off blood flow to the hands.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:43 AM on December 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you are kind of doing this for the sake of doing it. You both have been tepidly talking about it for years, but don’t actually know what it is. Are the two of you turned on by anything on that endless list?

Find what both gets you off and pursue it. Kink isn’t half as scary as people make it out to be. A quick search of “kink-name safety” will tell you what, if any, specific concerns there are.

Explore and have fun. It is only sex with theater, after all.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:31 AM on December 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

The first thing I would do is read an article that talks about the different categories of kink and fetish play to see any of it seem sexy to you. I don’t think that kink is necessarily straightforward for beginners at all. I remember feeling a little bit humiliated because a partner thought that something I was interested in but had never tried was icky. It’s awesome if you and your partner feel completely uninhibited and open about discussing the things that may interest you. Anyway, I think it’s helpful for the individuals to go off and maybe circle the things that seem interesting or sexy to them and then come back and compare to see where the overlap is. And if there is overlap to figure out which things or thing you want to start with first to explore and experiment with.

I will also note that I started out as a so-called lifestyle submissive with a master who took it very seriously and now I am a solo poly switch in the bedroom only who tops one specific person only. I never imagined that I would find topping someone which is to say dominating someone sexy. There are various acts that I would never have imagined wanting to explore initially but they became sexy to me over time. There are things that used to feel sexy to me that are no longer exciting. I can’t speak for anyone but myself and I will say that I have been surprised and encouraged by the fact that my sexuality and my enjoyment and pleasure from BDSM-related activities has shifted over the years. A lot of play is mental. If neither of you want to do anything that is painful there’s still a huge world of sensations that do not involve pain but do involve power exchange, for example.

Very early on in my BDSM exploration, I spent one night weeping on the shoulder of a girlfriend about how terrible it was to be a feminist submissive and I was a freak and I was a self hating woman yadda yadda. And my friend told me about how once she had gotten to watch a close friend of hers have a session with her friend’s master and what a good time they had together. Don’t worry, she said, you are going to have so much fun! And she was right.

There doesn’t have to be a master, or any rules apart from full consent and safe words. Just talk a lot before, sometimes during, and after. I can’t speak for anyone else who is kinky but whatever else is going on with me and my partner, there’s always tenderness and laughter in addition to whatever kinky adventures we are up to. Role-play can be fun as well. There’s a lot to explore and I’m sure you will find something to enjoy.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:45 PM on December 19, 2023