So apparently I'm kinky. Now what?
June 13, 2012 6:28 AM Subscribe
I've always been a rather aggressive lover, but it wasn't until I met my most recent girlfriend (who is a submissive) that I fully understood my sexuality. I enjoy BDSM, and I don't intend to stop enjoying that experience simply because my girlfriend broke up with me. (Snowflake details below, possibly NSFW.)
I don't want to give you the impression that this is a huge fetish of mine. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying vanilla sex in its own right, and I'm usually described as a very generous lover. It's just that once every couple of weeks, I need to tie my significant other up, flog her a little, and have her call me "master." This is now absolutely non-negotiable in my criteria for a long-term relationship.
The trouble is that I am absolutely monogamous, and for me monogamy is also a non-negotiable criteria in a mate. My (admittedly limited) understanding of the BDSM "scene" is that it is very polyamorous, which is not something I am in any way flexible about. Thus it seems more realistic that in order to find a long-term relationship, I will have to date "vanilla" women and gradually try to pique their interest in BDSM.
So my question is, how do I do this without having them flee in terror? I've never done this before, but it seems like if a girl you're dating has never tried BDSM, expressing the urge to tie them down and treat them as an object is the kind of thing that might go over very poorly.
I don't want to give you the impression that this is a huge fetish of mine. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying vanilla sex in its own right, and I'm usually described as a very generous lover. It's just that once every couple of weeks, I need to tie my significant other up, flog her a little, and have her call me "master." This is now absolutely non-negotiable in my criteria for a long-term relationship.
The trouble is that I am absolutely monogamous, and for me monogamy is also a non-negotiable criteria in a mate. My (admittedly limited) understanding of the BDSM "scene" is that it is very polyamorous, which is not something I am in any way flexible about. Thus it seems more realistic that in order to find a long-term relationship, I will have to date "vanilla" women and gradually try to pique their interest in BDSM.
So my question is, how do I do this without having them flee in terror? I've never done this before, but it seems like if a girl you're dating has never tried BDSM, expressing the urge to tie them down and treat them as an object is the kind of thing that might go over very poorly.
I don't know that looking for a monogamous relationship with a submissive woman is going to be quite as difficult as you think. I've gotten the impression just from skimming groups for sub women on FetLife that there are a lot of submissive women looking to be monogamous with a dom - and also that they are worried that they can't find a dom who wants to be monogamous, so that might make you even more desirable as a partner. My personal experience has been that a sub/dom relationship can often be well suited for monogamy - my dom boyfriend and I are non-monogamous in that we swing together, but don't play without each other, and are incredibly devoted to each other, and that fits within the d/s dynamic very well. I would suggest checking out FetLife or other BDSM communities (perhaps local, if your location offers meetups) and just getting a sense of who is out there. Good luck!
posted by Neely O'Hara at 6:41 AM on June 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Neely O'Hara at 6:41 AM on June 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Your understanding is incorrect; there are people (myself included) who practice some form of BDSM in private, monogamous relationships and just don't talk about it because it's private and monogamous. Not everyone is in your face about it.
This. In part because many of the people you will meet in the BDSM scene will be people looking for relationships, you will only see single and partnered people, and thus think, "Oh man! No monogamy here!" But in fact, the partnered monogamous folk are simply not out on the prowl. Try meeting single people, and talk about their preferences, and go from there. This is absolutely an achievable goal. Also, you are way likelier to get there with someone that enjoys this than with someone who's just putting up with it and feels a bit weird about it.
posted by corb at 6:41 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
This. In part because many of the people you will meet in the BDSM scene will be people looking for relationships, you will only see single and partnered people, and thus think, "Oh man! No monogamy here!" But in fact, the partnered monogamous folk are simply not out on the prowl. Try meeting single people, and talk about their preferences, and go from there. This is absolutely an achievable goal. Also, you are way likelier to get there with someone that enjoys this than with someone who's just putting up with it and feels a bit weird about it.
posted by corb at 6:41 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would say a good 50% of the women I know like the occasional domination, if not regularly. That's just part of getting to know someone. You go on a date, you don't ask outright all of their private thoughts, feelings, and practices. A person's sexuality is something you discover over time, just like anything else you would learn about a partner. So go out on some dates and get to know some people. I think you will find that that level of kink is pretty common.
posted by greta simone at 6:58 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 6:58 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am a sexually submissive woman who very much seeks a monogamous relationship with a dominant man. Monogamy is also nonnegotiable for me. There are many of us. We are out there, waiting for you to find us, because what you want makes our hearts skip a beat with happiness.
I personally have had difficulty dating vanilla partners and then testing the waters by throwing in (small time!) kinky stuff. Plain old rejection stings, but rejection specifically because a fetish you have repulses someone stings a little more intensely--just a warning. Accepting your kink goes a long way in ameliorating the sting, though. Kinky dating is problematic, but I don't think it's impossible...at least I hope it's not!
posted by hecho de la basura at 7:07 AM on June 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
I personally have had difficulty dating vanilla partners and then testing the waters by throwing in (small time!) kinky stuff. Plain old rejection stings, but rejection specifically because a fetish you have repulses someone stings a little more intensely--just a warning. Accepting your kink goes a long way in ameliorating the sting, though. Kinky dating is problematic, but I don't think it's impossible...at least I hope it's not!
posted by hecho de la basura at 7:07 AM on June 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
Dude, have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? I'm not recommending that you or anyone read it because it's craptacularly written, but, like, all the totally mainstream women in my office and on the subway are apparently in the middle of it and ordering the sequels. It's a pretty good time to be a single monogamous straight male dom, especially if you're perfectly happy going vanilla a lot of the time.
Drop a few hints in your OKCupid profile and answer all the survey questions that'll rate you as "more kinky" and you will attract both curious newbies and more experienced women who aren't vocal or scene-y.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:08 AM on June 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
Drop a few hints in your OKCupid profile and answer all the survey questions that'll rate you as "more kinky" and you will attract both curious newbies and more experienced women who aren't vocal or scene-y.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:08 AM on June 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
Like the good Rodrigo and others have said, what you want is a lot closer to the norm in both bdsm and regular circles. There's a mefi fetlife group, which would be a nice way to start over there.
Flogging gets kind of serious for a lot of people, but ropes, spanking, and similar stuff is pretty close to totally mainstream. Depending on what you are actually looking for, you might not have to work hard to find it.
Lastly, there have been a lot of previous questions here from both tops and bottoms; the answers to those should have a lot that is relevant to you.
posted by Forktine at 7:27 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Flogging gets kind of serious for a lot of people, but ropes, spanking, and similar stuff is pretty close to totally mainstream. Depending on what you are actually looking for, you might not have to work hard to find it.
Lastly, there have been a lot of previous questions here from both tops and bottoms; the answers to those should have a lot that is relevant to you.
posted by Forktine at 7:27 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Signed up to add my weight behind okcupid, that's how much I believe in it, I find that a good percentage of women on there meet your *ahem* requirements and they are fairly easy to spot (if they have a high kinky score or they mention vampires you're in luck) from conversations I've had most people in the scene think highly of it and if anything it's got less dross than places like fetlife and in case nobody has mentioned yet it's free.
I don't know where you are but if you're in the UK there's also a rather good site called informedconsent if you fancy dipping your toe into the scene (or just watching the boards from afar) I'm currently floating around the peripheries after discounting it for many years, I find it's much like any other group of people, some you like, some you don't, the only thing everyone has in common is that they like slightly odd sex.
posted by purplemonkeydishwasher at 7:31 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't know where you are but if you're in the UK there's also a rather good site called informedconsent if you fancy dipping your toe into the scene (or just watching the boards from afar) I'm currently floating around the peripheries after discounting it for many years, I find it's much like any other group of people, some you like, some you don't, the only thing everyone has in common is that they like slightly odd sex.
posted by purplemonkeydishwasher at 7:31 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh yes yes yes to what Neely O'Hara said. Not to paint this with too broad of a brush or anything, but where I am the scene is full of submissive women who pine for monogamy but grudgingly go along with open relationships because they feel like they don't have the leverage to demand otherwise, and dominant dudes who are delighted to find themselves in a position where poly is normal so they can have multiple subs. I think you will find yourself with any number of options if you start getting out into the scene, so long as you're a reasonably friendly and desirable guy who manages to be NOT CREEPY (that part is really important and you need to be on high alert for any even remotely creepy behavior in yourself; as a hint, cock pictures online are always creepy).
If you're interested in finding kinky women in the scene, I would suggest starting by going to munches and the occasional public play party until you get to know some people -- and not just people you want to date. Get to know the older people and the other guys too. The goal is to become part of a loose group of friends so you start getting invited to private parties. That's where the real fun is and that's where women feel more comfortable getting involved with men they don't know -- everyone is at least semi-vouched-for. You'd do well to be open to playing lightly (and non-sexually) with casual partners while you're single. This is also a great way to meet new people and have fun at kinky parties.
Of course, if you're not interested in the scene at all, this is not the way to go. And if you're not interested in becoming part of the scene as a fun activity in its own right, you might want to avoid it altogether because floating around the edges looking to pick off women is considered a big red flag. Another potential downside of going that route is that I think you might find a lot of the women there are kinkier than you. When you wrote this:
I don't want to give you the impression that this is a huge fetish of mine. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying vanilla sex in its own right, and I'm usually described as a very generous lover.
...I had a little involuntary ugh reaction. The way you've worded it makes it sound like you're one of those people who thinks their level of kink is fine and dandy but anyone who feels a stronger need for more kink in their life is messed up. And does being "a very generous lover" somehow contrast with being kinky, such that you need to reassure us that you manage to be giving in bed despite being dominant? You should be really careful about giving off this impression, because I personally (as a submissive monogamous woman in the scene) wouldn't date someone who had this attitude.
The "oh don't worry I'm only a little kinky" thing will, I presume, play much better with the vanilla crowd. I dated a guy for a while whose thing was converting vanilla girls, and he had some luck with it. That's definitely not out of the question and it sounds like others here have some good suggestions for how to go about it -- I know several pairs of kinky people who met each other on OkCupid.
posted by ootandaboot at 7:48 AM on June 13, 2012 [12 favorites]
If you're interested in finding kinky women in the scene, I would suggest starting by going to munches and the occasional public play party until you get to know some people -- and not just people you want to date. Get to know the older people and the other guys too. The goal is to become part of a loose group of friends so you start getting invited to private parties. That's where the real fun is and that's where women feel more comfortable getting involved with men they don't know -- everyone is at least semi-vouched-for. You'd do well to be open to playing lightly (and non-sexually) with casual partners while you're single. This is also a great way to meet new people and have fun at kinky parties.
Of course, if you're not interested in the scene at all, this is not the way to go. And if you're not interested in becoming part of the scene as a fun activity in its own right, you might want to avoid it altogether because floating around the edges looking to pick off women is considered a big red flag. Another potential downside of going that route is that I think you might find a lot of the women there are kinkier than you. When you wrote this:
I don't want to give you the impression that this is a huge fetish of mine. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying vanilla sex in its own right, and I'm usually described as a very generous lover.
...I had a little involuntary ugh reaction. The way you've worded it makes it sound like you're one of those people who thinks their level of kink is fine and dandy but anyone who feels a stronger need for more kink in their life is messed up. And does being "a very generous lover" somehow contrast with being kinky, such that you need to reassure us that you manage to be giving in bed despite being dominant? You should be really careful about giving off this impression, because I personally (as a submissive monogamous woman in the scene) wouldn't date someone who had this attitude.
The "oh don't worry I'm only a little kinky" thing will, I presume, play much better with the vanilla crowd. I dated a guy for a while whose thing was converting vanilla girls, and he had some luck with it. That's definitely not out of the question and it sounds like others here have some good suggestions for how to go about it -- I know several pairs of kinky people who met each other on OkCupid.
posted by ootandaboot at 7:48 AM on June 13, 2012 [12 favorites]
Nthing Fetlife and OKCupid. There is a plethora of what you seek.
(When I signed up on OKC 2 years ago I answered a bunch of sex questions but made them private, thinking that would line up my percentages with similar people, but not give specifics. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the "personality" tab, which showed that my overwhelming, strongest trait was "more kinky.")
posted by thrasher at 7:49 AM on June 13, 2012
(When I signed up on OKC 2 years ago I answered a bunch of sex questions but made them private, thinking that would line up my percentages with similar people, but not give specifics. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the "personality" tab, which showed that my overwhelming, strongest trait was "more kinky.")
posted by thrasher at 7:49 AM on June 13, 2012
I dated a guy who, like you, was introduced to this stuff by a partner. When they broke up, he was devastated, because he didn't know how he would ever find another girl who was into it (he was pretty young at the time). But obviously, he did. I think it's normal to feel this way after your first relationship involving BDSM - it's such a revelation, and you wonder how you'll ever find that again.
I can attest that it can be daunting to do regular dating when you're looking for something like this - it's important to you, but you can't really just come out and say so on your OK Cupid profile (I mean, I suppose you could, but I've found that only guys who are really into the "scene" or are kinda creepy do that, unfortunately!). But you just have to view it as one of those things you get to know about your partner when you start dating. I like Dan Savage's advice - bring it up once you've gotten a bit comfortable with each other sexually (but pretty early) and present it to them like a gift, not like you're telling them you have cancer. This is fun stuff that they get to do (or try) because they're with you!
And yes, there are many monogomously-inclined submissive women out there. I'm one, and I have several friends who are as well.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 7:55 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I can attest that it can be daunting to do regular dating when you're looking for something like this - it's important to you, but you can't really just come out and say so on your OK Cupid profile (I mean, I suppose you could, but I've found that only guys who are really into the "scene" or are kinda creepy do that, unfortunately!). But you just have to view it as one of those things you get to know about your partner when you start dating. I like Dan Savage's advice - bring it up once you've gotten a bit comfortable with each other sexually (but pretty early) and present it to them like a gift, not like you're telling them you have cancer. This is fun stuff that they get to do (or try) because they're with you!
And yes, there are many monogomously-inclined submissive women out there. I'm one, and I have several friends who are as well.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 7:55 AM on June 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Imagine my surprise when I discovered the "personality" tab, which showed that my overwhelming, strongest trait was "more kinky."
Yes, this happened to me, too. Which is really fun when I discover a coworker has stumbled on my profile!
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 7:58 AM on June 13, 2012
Yes, this happened to me, too. Which is really fun when I discover a coworker has stumbled on my profile!
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 7:58 AM on June 13, 2012
From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anon:
So I'm in a long term relationship (read: marriage) where I am straight male dom. Pretty much nobody I am friends with is aware of this except those folks also in BDSM life style. And those folks and I have never talked about it. We just know. Other people do not, they see a young executive married to a stay at home mom. Extremely boring.posted by jessamyn at 7:58 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
As you'll soon discover, there are a lot of clues the keyed in observer will pick up on. There are a LOT of us out here.
Re: The scene. I was in it when I was a teen/early twenties single and trust me when I say there are a lot more people outside than inside. I'd guess something like a 90-10 split. All the cute subs out there back then wanted something long term and monogamous, that was actually an often discussed roadblock for those of us in the scene.
The truth is that trust is a major component of being able to let go into the mutual fantasy and that is much easier established in a long term relationship. So some commitment (if not monogamy) Goes a long way.
But to address your dating needs, OKcupid and dating sites like it are a great way to just put it out front. If "I want to tie you up and make you love it" is a requirement for you then let that be known. It will only scare away the people you WANT to scare away.
As you'll soon discover, there are a lot of clues the keyed in observer will pick up on. There are a LOT of us out here.
Yes, this. It's a little like gaydar. You can be safely closeted and still send signals that other closeted perverts will pick up on.
Back when I was single, the dog whistle of choice was liking The Secretary. You got plausible deniability — there were a lot of vanilla folks going to see it when it first came out — but it did also mark you as a Person Of Interest for other perverts.
Or, as a dominant friend of mine pointed out to me recently: "If someone comes up to you and says nice boots? They're probably into this stuff." It's not a 100% reliable signal, of course, but statistically speaking he's absolutely right — especially if you're a guy, since people don't generally comment on men's clothing as much anyway.
Of course, for that cue to work, you need to be wearing a nice pair of boots, and keeping them well-enough polished that it's obvious you didn't just come to the bar straight from your job in a warehouse or something. But that's just another signal to add to your repertoire. If you dress in subtly top-ish ways — leather is good; military-tinged fashion is good; dressing slightly "higher status" than the situation requires is good — then you're raising the odds that kinky folks will take an interest in you without actually indicating anything unambiguous.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:23 AM on June 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yes, this. It's a little like gaydar. You can be safely closeted and still send signals that other closeted perverts will pick up on.
Back when I was single, the dog whistle of choice was liking The Secretary. You got plausible deniability — there were a lot of vanilla folks going to see it when it first came out — but it did also mark you as a Person Of Interest for other perverts.
Or, as a dominant friend of mine pointed out to me recently: "If someone comes up to you and says nice boots? They're probably into this stuff." It's not a 100% reliable signal, of course, but statistically speaking he's absolutely right — especially if you're a guy, since people don't generally comment on men's clothing as much anyway.
Of course, for that cue to work, you need to be wearing a nice pair of boots, and keeping them well-enough polished that it's obvious you didn't just come to the bar straight from your job in a warehouse or something. But that's just another signal to add to your repertoire. If you dress in subtly top-ish ways — leather is good; military-tinged fashion is good; dressing slightly "higher status" than the situation requires is good — then you're raising the odds that kinky folks will take an interest in you without actually indicating anything unambiguous.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:23 AM on June 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Hmm. But on re-reading, I see I'm not answering the question you actually asked.
2) If you're kissing someone, very gentle nibbling is fair game even for vanilla folks, and then you can gradually escalate if it gets a good response. So's the "let me run my hand through your hair" move, which transitions nicely into a move that kinky people will generally recognize and vanilla folks generally won't: "I'm not pulling your hair right now, but I've got my fingers twined up in it, and you and I both know that I could pull if I wanted to." If you're kissing someone who enjoys that sort of thing, they'll let you know, either verbally or non-verbally.
3) If you're in rolling-around-on-the-couch territory, tickling and very gentle play-wrestling (not playing to win!) are fair game even for vanilla folks. If you're fooling around with someone who'd prefer you to be playing to win, they'll let you know, either verbally or non-verbally.
4) If she enjoys being bitten but bites back (for instance) it's not necessarily a bad sign. You'll be happier with someone who's kinky but likes to switch occasionally than with someone who's totally opposed to all kink. A bad sign would be if she says "Gah! Stoppit! What the fuck? That's such a mood killer when you do that!" (AND OF COURSE YOU WILL STOP RIGHT AWAY WHEN SHE SAYS THAT, RIGHT? I THOUGHT SO.)
5) At a certain point you still need to explicitly ask for some of the kinkier stuff. But couching it as "Hey I can tell you like X so I wonder if you'd like Y even more" is about as good a lead-in as you're gonna get.
6) Seriously, though, mention your kinks sooner rather than later. Falling for someone you're sexually incompatible with is really shitty.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:52 AM on June 13, 2012 [12 favorites]
So my question is, how do I do this without having them flee in terror? I've never done this before, but it seems like if a girl you're dating has never tried BDSM, expressing the urge to tie them down and treat them as an object is the kind of thing that might go over very poorly.1) If you can work up the nerve to mention it explicitly early on, you're doing both of you a favor. Yes, even if she's horrified at the thought of trying this stuff, or she's tried it before and Doesn't Want To Ever Again — because then you two shouldn't be dating each other, and it's better to find out sooner rather than later. That's the nice thing about monogamy. You don't need all your dates to go well. You just need one date to go really well.
2) If you're kissing someone, very gentle nibbling is fair game even for vanilla folks, and then you can gradually escalate if it gets a good response. So's the "let me run my hand through your hair" move, which transitions nicely into a move that kinky people will generally recognize and vanilla folks generally won't: "I'm not pulling your hair right now, but I've got my fingers twined up in it, and you and I both know that I could pull if I wanted to." If you're kissing someone who enjoys that sort of thing, they'll let you know, either verbally or non-verbally.
3) If you're in rolling-around-on-the-couch territory, tickling and very gentle play-wrestling (not playing to win!) are fair game even for vanilla folks. If you're fooling around with someone who'd prefer you to be playing to win, they'll let you know, either verbally or non-verbally.
4) If she enjoys being bitten but bites back (for instance) it's not necessarily a bad sign. You'll be happier with someone who's kinky but likes to switch occasionally than with someone who's totally opposed to all kink. A bad sign would be if she says "Gah! Stoppit! What the fuck? That's such a mood killer when you do that!" (AND OF COURSE YOU WILL STOP RIGHT AWAY WHEN SHE SAYS THAT, RIGHT? I THOUGHT SO.)
5) At a certain point you still need to explicitly ask for some of the kinkier stuff. But couching it as "Hey I can tell you like X so I wonder if you'd like Y even more" is about as good a lead-in as you're gonna get.
6) Seriously, though, mention your kinks sooner rather than later. Falling for someone you're sexually incompatible with is really shitty.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:52 AM on June 13, 2012 [12 favorites]
There isn't a strict binary between polyamorous folk in the scene and monogamous folk outside it. Many monogamous folk are in the scene because it is a fun social outlet and a good way of increasing safety and sanity checks. You are able often to ask mutual friends if the girl you want to date is a nutter if you are both in the scene together.
This is useful as since you're topping you don't want the lady you just left a lot of marks on to go to the cops and accuse you of abuse.
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:24 AM on June 13, 2012
This is useful as since you're topping you don't want the lady you just left a lot of marks on to go to the cops and accuse you of abuse.
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:24 AM on June 13, 2012
I'd like to point out that some folks are polyamorously kinky because their regular partner isn't into everything that they are sexually, and they're agreed on getting it elsewhere. I think you can totally find monogamous kinksters--you just have to make sure that all of your needs mesh on both sides since you won't get it elsewhere.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:46 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:46 AM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
FetLife and OKCupid. Please, please don't go on dates with ladies and suddenly try this stuff without sounding them out about it first. If I had a dollar for every asshole who spanked me during sex without talking about it--and as I have shared here on previous occasions, my kink swings pretty far in the opposite direction--I could buy myself a very nice dinner.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:46 AM on June 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:46 AM on June 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
As a monogamous dom who also likes/wants/is-good-at vanilla sex too, you'll be in demand. Try fetlife and okcupid. OKC questions can help you signal your interests.
posted by killiancourt at 12:15 PM on June 13, 2012
posted by killiancourt at 12:15 PM on June 13, 2012
Mod note: Folks, don't do the smalltext aside stuff here, either answer the question like normal or leave the sidebars out of it. Sorry.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:26 PM on June 13, 2012
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:26 PM on June 13, 2012
Also, this is something to keep in mind to motivate you. You wrote:
if a girl you're dating has never tried BDSM, expressing the urge to tie them down and treat them as an object is the kind of thing that might go over very poorly.
Keep this fact firmly in your mind -- if you meet a woman who actually has a submissive orientation, expressing those urges will not just be acceptable/tolerable/ok. She'll praise Jesus every morning when she wakes up and shout joy from the rooftops because she gets to be dominated by her partner. (Of course, assuming that other factors and preferences are compatible.) She'll feel like the luckiest lady on the planet. So, hang in there and keep looking until you find someone who is sexually compatible, because they exist, and when they find you they'll be GRATEFUL.
At least that's my experience.
posted by killiancourt at 12:34 PM on June 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
if a girl you're dating has never tried BDSM, expressing the urge to tie them down and treat them as an object is the kind of thing that might go over very poorly.
Keep this fact firmly in your mind -- if you meet a woman who actually has a submissive orientation, expressing those urges will not just be acceptable/tolerable/ok. She'll praise Jesus every morning when she wakes up and shout joy from the rooftops because she gets to be dominated by her partner. (Of course, assuming that other factors and preferences are compatible.) She'll feel like the luckiest lady on the planet. So, hang in there and keep looking until you find someone who is sexually compatible, because they exist, and when they find you they'll be GRATEFUL.
At least that's my experience.
posted by killiancourt at 12:34 PM on June 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Seconding killiancourt about praising Jesus every morning for a dominant partner. I mean, I don't care about Jesus at all, but being dominated makes me feel like the luckiest lady on the planet. :)
posted by 3491again at 3:26 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by 3491again at 3:26 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't feel like you have to do the FetLife/scene thing if you're wary of it. There are plenty of very subby women who are also wary of the potential for sketchiness from dating in the kink scene, and prefer to find toppy men among their other social circles.
Also, if you find a lady who likes the idea of flogging but not pain, and her not being a little masochistic isn't a dealbreaker for you, try the soft leather floggers with looped ends. All the drama and dominance and none of the sting*.
*Unless you accidentally whip the edges round your own legs while taking a run-up.
posted by pickingupsticks at 4:22 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, if you find a lady who likes the idea of flogging but not pain, and her not being a little masochistic isn't a dealbreaker for you, try the soft leather floggers with looped ends. All the drama and dominance and none of the sting*.
*Unless you accidentally whip the edges round your own legs while taking a run-up.
posted by pickingupsticks at 4:22 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Connecting polyamory with BDSM is a sign that you need some basic education here; as others have pointed out this is simply incorrect.
I encourage you to do some reading for beginners; I think it will help you understand how to talk to potential partners when you are coming from a place of understanding about what a BDSM relationship really IS.
Check out SM 101, Different Loving, and The Loving Dominant.
posted by Specklet at 6:34 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I encourage you to do some reading for beginners; I think it will help you understand how to talk to potential partners when you are coming from a place of understanding about what a BDSM relationship really IS.
Check out SM 101, Different Loving, and The Loving Dominant.
posted by Specklet at 6:34 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
"It's just that once every couple of weeks, I need to tie my significant other up, flog her a little, and have her call me "master." This is now absolutely non-negotiable in my criteria for a long-term relationship."
Please be upfront about this in your personal ads--don't waste your time getting to know women who find these sorts of "non-negotiable criteria" too controlling.
The problem with trying to "convert vanilla women" is that many of them won't be able to see why this isn't abuse. How were you planning on explaining why you *need* to beat them and make them call you their master, or else they're not worth a relationship? Trust me, this isn't a conversation a monogamy-minded "vanilla" woman wants any part of.
Have a little empathy: would you be down for having a woman try to "pique your interest" about her non-negotiable demand that you participate in her cuckold fetish? "Maybe if you just sat in the closet this once, honey...?" Golden rule: If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to somebody else.
There are plenty of well-adjusted submissive women out there who understand where you're coming from-- find them!
posted by doreur at 8:23 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Please be upfront about this in your personal ads--don't waste your time getting to know women who find these sorts of "non-negotiable criteria" too controlling.
The problem with trying to "convert vanilla women" is that many of them won't be able to see why this isn't abuse. How were you planning on explaining why you *need* to beat them and make them call you their master, or else they're not worth a relationship? Trust me, this isn't a conversation a monogamy-minded "vanilla" woman wants any part of.
Have a little empathy: would you be down for having a woman try to "pique your interest" about her non-negotiable demand that you participate in her cuckold fetish? "Maybe if you just sat in the closet this once, honey...?" Golden rule: If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to somebody else.
There are plenty of well-adjusted submissive women out there who understand where you're coming from-- find them!
posted by doreur at 8:23 PM on June 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Kinky people (and potentially kinky people) are all over the place, but if you want to find people who are already open to it, you could do a lot worse than OkCupid. Just answer some match questions about tying people up and trying new things in bed, and the kinky people in your city will bubble to the top.
Also, you don't have to pull out the ropes n stuff on the first date. Maybe start off with some light spanking and go from there?
posted by modernserf at 6:41 AM on June 13, 2012 [3 favorites]