Hope me! Stories of older moms conceiving after a bit of difficulty?

August 29, 2022 12:27 AM

Trying to lift myself out of despair by reading stories of people (especially older women like me) who had a bit of trouble conceiving and then succeeded.

I started trying to conceive at the end of last year, got pregnant immediately, but lost the baby at around 9 weeks. Since then we haven't had any success (for 8 cycles), and trying and failing every month is really getting to my head. I'm just so sad and discouraged. I'm on the older side, in my late 30s, which magnifies the feelings of anxiety.

I know logically that this happens to a lot of people and is within normal limits, and my doctor says everything is fine with me and this is probably just bad luck, but everything I read online is like, "I miscarried but got pregnant immediately and everything is fine." Obviously that's not everyone's experience, just what I feel like I'm finding when searching for hopeful stories about miscarriage.

Do you have a story of getting pregnant successfully after some twists and turns, or just grinding months of being unsure if it would ever happen? If so I'd be so grateful to hear it for a boost of hope.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total)

My friend's sister went out to a bar and took home a man she liked. She didn't bother with birth control, because at 56 there was very obviously no need. Nine months later she had her first child.
My wife was over forty and had three miscarriages in a row. Our obstetrician said that didn't worry him at all - pregnancy is a chancy process and you just have to keep trying. When I was in school we were taught that better than 90% of pregnancies spontaneously abort in the first two or three days. Even women who don't think they've miscarried probably have.

Don't be blue, don't give up. Chances are very good that you'll get pregnant and it'll be fine.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 12:43 AM on August 29, 2022

I have a relative who tried for a full year in her late-30s with no luck, and was about to start testing for problems (her spouse had already gone for his appointment). She met me in Hawaii for a vacation, I picked up all the liquor I thought we would need for a most excellent week between the arrival of my flight and hers and…yes, a pregnancy test the day after she arrived confirmed I would be drinking for two. That kid is 5 now and they added a sibling 2 years later.

I hope everything works out for you. Big hugs.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:44 AM on August 29, 2022

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries in my 20s. I never had a regular cycle - I would go for months and months without a period, and there was no way to predict my cycle. I was single for a long time, and at 35 I sat down and decided that I was not going to have a child.

I met my now-husband at the age of 36 and we got married when I was 38. I didn’t have a period for the first 6 months after the wedding. We went for fertility treatment and they put me on drugs to make me ovulate. The first one was a tablet and didn’t really work. Then they started me on injections; the doctor said we would try that about 6 times. The first time, the dose was too high and my ovaries were over-stimulated, so that was a bust. The second cycle worked but I didn’t get pregnant. I got pregnant on the third cycle. I had a very straightforward pregnancy and gave birth at the age of 41; she’s four now.

This is really really hard. Good luck.
posted by damsel with a dulcimer at 1:26 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

I got pregnant at age 43, totally unplanned and unexpected, after having been told for 20+ years that, due to lack of a reliable cycle i was unable to conceive without medical intervention (eg period once every 12 months, hormonal issues, pcos).

Bonus was, despite being told vaginal birth was out of the question due to age and obesity, i did have a very quick vaginal birth.

Also i was given lots of horror predictions how the baby had a high likelyhood of not being healthy, possibly major issues, none of that was the case. My son is 13 now, and healthy. He does have ASD but none of the predicted issues.

My take away is, that medical staff when faced with an older mother (anyone over 30), see only risks and potential problems. I really benefitted from support by women not involved in the medical / technical side.
If you can , hire a doula and meet frequently during the last trimester so you have support from a real person (not Internet) who is able to listen and share your emotions, to balance dire predictions by medical staff based solely on your age.
posted by 15L06 at 3:04 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

My husband and I tried for nine months without conceiving beginning in January of 2021. I remember the tears and anger that would come with each period as the months went by. Both of us tested during this and there were no problems. Given our ages last summer (41 for him, 39 for me) we reached out to a fertility clinic about IUI and IVF. We began IVF retrievals that October and I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant as the first transfer was a success. The women who guided me along this journey were invaluable. Memail me if this is a route you’re considering and you’d like to know more.
posted by icaicaer at 3:05 AM on August 29, 2022

My SIL had her first child at 47 after a few challenges that I'm sure involved some fertility treatments. I don't have any specifics for you, just adding to the chorus.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 3:27 AM on August 29, 2022

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 38, but miscarried at 11 weeks. I got pregnant again but miscarried at 9 weeks. My third pregnancy resulted in my now-8-year-old (born when I was 40).

We did consult with a fertility expert (which I’d recommend to you even though your experience is totally in the normal realm because if there is something that can be corrected you don’t have as much time to mess around as a 28 year old might), but in our case the miscarriages just turned out to be bad luck (with odds increased due to our age).

This account and happy result make it sound like no big deal but it was agonizing at the time and I really benefitted from a good counselor. Highly recommend if you can swing it.
posted by Kriesa at 3:42 AM on August 29, 2022

My aunt had her three kids at age 39, 41, and 43, after years and years of trying.

I think of my aunt's experience, and those of other female relatives who had kids in their late thirties/early forties often, as I'm 37 and my husband and I have been trying for our second for a little over a year with no luck, after getting pregnant the second month of trying with our first kid when I was 34.
posted by abeja bicicleta at 4:20 AM on August 29, 2022

My partner and I did not start discussing a child until I was 37 - we just hadn’t checked in with each other about whether either of us wanted kids. Turned out he did, and I was amenable after some thought.

We started actively tracking cycles and timing sex to ovulation a while later. It took us 18 months to catch a baby. Something about tracking and trying was really weird - like an external pressure on whether we wanted to have sex. It made things rote and strange, and all those ovulation kits were very expensive and unsexy. The month we managed to get it done, we had sex once, hurriedly, during a visit from my mother (small apt, we had to be super quiet) and it was purely on the basis that it was our chance for that month. And that was it! We’d gone so long without any results that I didn’t think about my period being late, just thought it was stress or whatever. I had to pee on two different sticks before I believed I was pregnant.

Had a baby at 41. Had a doula and a supportive doctor and never felt all that singled out for my age (although “geriatric prima gravida” is a hell of a label). Once I was pregnant things moved smoothly. In California they automatically offer genetic screens if you’re over 35; waiting to tell most folks until after the results came in felt like the right call, since I was fairly sure there were anomalies that I would not choose to carry to term. Very luckily that was a choice we were allowed to duck.

It’s a dreary place you find yourself in, mid process. It will not last forever - be of good courage.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 4:22 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

my partner and I had our son when she was 38. we had two miscarriages in the year prior and spoke with a specialist who ultimately prescribed a progesterone vaginal suppository for my partner during the first trimester (i don't remember the exact length of time).
posted by noloveforned at 4:53 AM on August 29, 2022

My cousin and his partner were somewhere in their late thirties, tried a bunch, did several unsuccessful rounds of hormones (and maybe IVF?) and then basically gave up and stopped actively trying, but also didn’t go back on birth control.

Shortly thereafter, their first came along, followed pretty quickly by twins! Their oldest goes to college next year.
posted by rockindata at 5:05 AM on August 29, 2022

My stats are 12 pregnancies, 3 live births, 2 surviving kids, over a period of 10 years of trying etc. I had my youngest at 40 after 3 years of trying (no interventions; we were done with that by then, but ovulation kits and timing.) He’s a delight. I recommend getting professional help (infertility specialist) early and see if they can refer you to a support group. Mine was at the time online and it was a real help (old school bloggers.) Hang in there!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:26 AM on August 29, 2022

We started trying to conceive when I was in my late 30's. Month after month of tracking ovulation and trying naturally, no luck. Tried IUI, didn't work. The first IVF attempt worked, but I miscarried. The second time around it worked again and I finally had my first baby at 40. It took a couple of years for me to start getting my period again after she was born. We weren't sure if trying IVF again would be worth the expense at that point, given my age. But we figured we could at least try the old-fashioned way. So we did, and I got pregnant on the very first try and had baby #2 when I was 43.
posted by Redstart at 6:10 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

Eight IUI cycles in my late 30s + early 40s to conceive my kid. Cycles 2 and 6 were miscarriages which the docs said was a good sign for someone so old. I got a lot of benefit from online infertility support groups at the beginning when I was getting my head around the process. But after a while I logged off everything, and got through it by ignoring the process as much as possible. YMMV, but keeping busy at work and watching a lot of silly television worked for me. Then therapy after the kid was out of infancy and things calmed down a bit. What we do as women is AMAZING. Sending you strength and good luck.
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 6:18 AM on August 29, 2022

Married in my late 30s, several early and "natural" miscarriages , met with a fertility doc, added some hormones to the regimen, and several cycles later, BAM. She's a teenager now. Hang in there.
posted by nkknkk at 6:25 AM on August 29, 2022

Best friend, late 30s, tried for 6 months before seeing a fertility specialist, issue turned out to be male factor infertility. One round of ICSI and bam!
posted by DarlingBri at 6:47 AM on August 29, 2022

This story made me cry with happiness; a person who was very transparent with their infertility for years and years is now expecting. Just unbridled joy and vulnerability.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 7:22 AM on August 29, 2022

I got pregnant at 44, after partner and I tried for 11 years. I had a very bad experience at a fertility clinic at 38 and decided that wasn't for us. Our little is now 8.

In my case, we had a 10 year travel plan all figured out and made peace with our lives. And *then* I got pregnant. Biology is weird.
posted by Arctostaphylos at 7:27 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

Took my mom five years of trying to have her first baby. After that, there were...a number more. Including a surprise "caboose" baby at the end!
posted by praemunire at 7:42 AM on August 29, 2022

I have an acquaintance who tried to get pregnant throughout her 30s, had difficulty conceiving due to PCOS and had five miscarriages. The next pregnancy at 40 stuck and she has a healthy four-year-old son today.
posted by pierogi24 at 7:50 AM on August 29, 2022

I know a woman in her early 40s who just had baby #2 after about 5 years of trying and at least one miscarriage (and apparently conceiving baby #1 was equally difficult).
posted by JanetLand at 8:17 AM on August 29, 2022

I did! I had an ectopic pregnancy (which resulted in one fewer fallopian tube), then an early miscarriage, then tried IVF but retrieval failed because of a very large fibroid. Had an open fibroid surgery then got pregnant without any interventions. I had a very happy and easy pregnancy (I felt and slept better pregnant than any other time in my adult life). I did have a scary end to my pregnancy but all turned out well for me and my daughter. I was 42 when she was born. I wish you all the luck in the world - going through all that was definitely awful.
posted by vunder at 8:36 AM on August 29, 2022

I had a child at 30 with essentially zero effort, so I thought I was good to go but the road to #2 was not very smooth. I married my second husband at 39 and spent a loooooong time testing ovulation and tracking all the things. After a lot of disappointment, we booked appointments for all the testing and specialists but had several months to wait to be seen. While we waited, I ended up switching to a more expensive digital ovulation tracker and on a particularly sad night, ordered a Mosie kit and booked a weekend away for when I suspected I'd be ovulating. We alternated the Mosie kits and the traditional method for the week I was ovulating that month, and although none of my tracking ever actually showed that I ever ovulated, I got a positive pregnancy test back the day before our fertility appointments were supposed to happen. I gave birth to my second at 40.
posted by cheese at 11:02 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

I was recently having coffee with some mothers from my 9 year old's class where this topic came up. I worked out that over a third of the mothers in the class had had their child after 40 - and at least 4 had their kids at 45 or over, one with twins! Only one mother out of 30 was in her twenties when her child was born - most were in their late thirties. I know there was a lot of fertility help but it definitely is more than possible.
posted by heavenknows at 11:41 AM on August 29, 2022

My daughter was told in her late 20s that she would never have a child due to a combo of PCOS and endometriosis. At 38, she was diagnosed with celiac disease and stopped eating all gluten. She was pregnant (unplanned, untried for, a man she had only just started seeing seriously) six months later. Coincidence? Quite possibly! But that baby is one now and cutting out gluten isn't that hard.

My mother, who also had endometriosis, had a baby at 21 and then had multiple miscarriages - as in lots, I don't even know how many; this was in the 60s. She had a fairly major surgery - I suspect it was for an ectopic pregnancy, but I don't know; she said they "took everything but 1/3 of one ovary" - in the early 60s and was told she could never have another child. Surprise! I came along when she was 36; she was 41 when my younger brother was born. The doctor refused to believe she was pregnant either time and came out of retirement to deliver my brother because it was all so impossible. So this goes to show that you never know.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:46 PM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

First baby conceived when I was 37 after almost a year of trying. (Succeeded right after going on vacation and deciding to take a month off of trying, such a cliche!)

Second baby, early MC (like Week 4-5... a few days of rising HCG then plateau and falling) on the second month of trying. Succeeded 6 months later when I was age 40, baby born when I was 41.

That said, my advice would be to start going through the process of getting fertility help because it's a stepwise process to figure out what might be going on, and each step gets scheduled like 2-3 months out, and the delay adds up.
posted by slidell at 4:04 PM on August 29, 2022

Very sorry about your miscarriage. I had 3 miscarriages between the ages of 38-40 (I'm 43 now). After much testing and discussion our fertility doctor suggested that only about 1 out of every 10-12 eggs of mine were likely going to lead to a viable healthy pregnancy. Given those odds, we chose to go with an egg donor. So this is an anonymous egg and my husband's sperm to create the embryo. Blammo, we got pregnant on the first implantation attempt and I gave birth at 42 to a baby who will clearly be the savior of humanity on this planet :) You might not get there the way you planned, but families can be created in all sorts of ways. Wishing you a short road.
posted by socksformonkeys at 9:12 PM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

My sister in law started trying to conceive her second child about 4 years ago, aged 37-ish (having conceived their first fairly quickly and easily). They took about a year to conceive, then had a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks. They didn’t want to go the IVF route, so just kept trying naturally. She got pregnant again when she was 40 and then gave birth to my beautiful new niece when she was 41. I think during those years she was definitely feeling similar to how you are now! Such a stressful business. Really hope you get some good news soon.
posted by amerrydance at 1:07 AM on August 30, 2022

We tried for a year without intervention when I was in my early 30s, did another year of IUIs (which were awful and I hated), got pregnant and miscarried, and then had a successful round of IVF when I was 34. My second pregnancy, when I was 38, was completely unexpected. I didn't even know I was pregnant until after 12 weeks because who would think that I could be pregnant.

So I have both a successful science baby and a successful surprise baby, both as a slightly older person. The surprise baby was certainly easier and cheaper, but the science baby also worked out fine, if that is a route you want to go down. If it's something that you're considering, it makes sense to start the testing soon, since it can take a long time to get through it all.
posted by oryelle at 11:59 AM on August 30, 2022

I gave birth at age 33, 35, and 37. Before each of the first two births, I had an early miscarriage. It took me 6 cycles each time after that to get pregnant again. I had just started getting alarmed at how long it was taking each time.
posted by anthropomorphic at 6:50 PM on August 30, 2022

I had my daughter at 37 with no difficulty getting pregnant or maintaining the pregnancy. We didn't start trying for a second until I was 41. That year I had a 10-week miscarriage followed 6 months later by a 6-week miscarriage. My OB could find no obvious causes for the miscarriages, so we chalked them up to bad luck. We weren't interested in pursuing interventions and decided to stop actively trying to get pregnant.

After a few years of this, I'd had no further pregnancies and was mostly at peace with the idea that our family was complete. When our (very well-behaved) daughter was 4, we figured it was probably safe to buy fancy living-room furniture and a fluffy white rug. You can probably see where this is going. Surprise! I'm now 47 with a 10-year-old girl, an almost 3-year old boy, and a matted-down gray rug generously decorated with ground-in Goldfish and Fig Newtons.
posted by purplemonkie at 8:12 AM on August 31, 2022 [2 favorites]