Loser in the game of life... now what?
August 16, 2022 10:19 AM Subscribe
How do people live alone and work alone without constantly going over all the reasons in their head that they deserve to be alone forever? TW: pathetic!
I recently moved out of a roommate situation, which entailed moving completely out of town as I could no longer afford rent. Roommate bought the place after being offered a prestigious opportunity and didn't want me living there as they didn't want to be a landlord--plus I'm depressive and they didn't trust me to be mentally healthy enough to stay. (I have always paid rent on time, I'm just a pain in the ass and a negative person.) I like my new place well enough and it's cool to discover new things, but I feel isolated and kind of like I was run out of town for being too emotionally unstable to be tolerable and too stupid to find a career where I'd be able to afford rent.
I now work at home, alone, in a not very involved job, which means that my face to face daily conversations are limited to whatever barista is at the coffee shop and my cat. I have a lot of time to ruminate on every little thing and I feel like a huge loser in the game of life--no partner, no kids, no friends nearby, a job that pays enough to pay rent but not enough to really work toward a goal--owning my own place, travel, etc. If I can't hack even hack having a roommate, who would want me as a partner? It's just a treadmill, and I feel like eventually I'll fall off all the way, just like I couldn't hack living among my friends. Visions of being homeless and penniless dance in my head, because it's what I "deserve."
I do volunteer, take classes, etc. but most of my time is spent alone looking at social media. And yes, I am in therapy (without which maybe I'd be able to hack rent, and I'm asking questions here, so maybe it's not working).
I guess I'm asking for tips from those who live completely alone on how they keep their sanity and not totally succumb to distorted thinking (also possibly asking permission to change jobs or apply for ones with higher salary, but if that's not going to happen, how to deal with being constantly dissatisfied without anything to look forward to). I really, really miss seeing other faces and feel kind of like I'm in solitary at this point.
I recently moved out of a roommate situation, which entailed moving completely out of town as I could no longer afford rent. Roommate bought the place after being offered a prestigious opportunity and didn't want me living there as they didn't want to be a landlord--plus I'm depressive and they didn't trust me to be mentally healthy enough to stay. (I have always paid rent on time, I'm just a pain in the ass and a negative person.) I like my new place well enough and it's cool to discover new things, but I feel isolated and kind of like I was run out of town for being too emotionally unstable to be tolerable and too stupid to find a career where I'd be able to afford rent.
I now work at home, alone, in a not very involved job, which means that my face to face daily conversations are limited to whatever barista is at the coffee shop and my cat. I have a lot of time to ruminate on every little thing and I feel like a huge loser in the game of life--no partner, no kids, no friends nearby, a job that pays enough to pay rent but not enough to really work toward a goal--owning my own place, travel, etc. If I can't hack even hack having a roommate, who would want me as a partner? It's just a treadmill, and I feel like eventually I'll fall off all the way, just like I couldn't hack living among my friends. Visions of being homeless and penniless dance in my head, because it's what I "deserve."
I do volunteer, take classes, etc. but most of my time is spent alone looking at social media. And yes, I am in therapy (without which maybe I'd be able to hack rent, and I'm asking questions here, so maybe it's not working).
I guess I'm asking for tips from those who live completely alone on how they keep their sanity and not totally succumb to distorted thinking (also possibly asking permission to change jobs or apply for ones with higher salary, but if that's not going to happen, how to deal with being constantly dissatisfied without anything to look forward to). I really, really miss seeing other faces and feel kind of like I'm in solitary at this point.
Don't let emotional capitalism get you down. This is a crazy world and keeping a roof over your head, working, having a cat, these are things, what? volunteering too, classes? Hey! You are having a life, and it sounds like it is missing the peaks. Do you take exercise? One thing is breathing hard at least 15 minutes per day, as far as social media goes, find at least two spots that make you smile. Stick with the smiling, exercise while smiling, I am not kidding about this, it will take you back to the act, because the oxygen and the smiling are highly positive in combination. It is a simple, friendly to self, trick.
Make a new version of you, more addicted to a happier vibe. Embue your daily activities with this, before you accidentally locate new morose friends. Don't sit with people who are joyless, or looking for joy out of glass, rather than cultivating self esteem and contentment.
If you want more than you currently have, be a good manager of you, meet, and figure out how you can do it. Love is in this picture, hiding, while you re-nest.
posted by Oyéah at 10:38 AM on August 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
Make a new version of you, more addicted to a happier vibe. Embue your daily activities with this, before you accidentally locate new morose friends. Don't sit with people who are joyless, or looking for joy out of glass, rather than cultivating self esteem and contentment.
If you want more than you currently have, be a good manager of you, meet, and figure out how you can do it. Love is in this picture, hiding, while you re-nest.
posted by Oyéah at 10:38 AM on August 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
Your most recent roommate situation is just *one* home-sharing situation. The same things that irked your former roommate might make you approachable and easy to be around to someone else.
There's all the standard suggestions for therapy and possibly medication - and YES look for and apply for other jobs because you never know what you'll find! But I also get that those suggestions are tough to reach when one is in a tough headspace. You might want to look into co-working spaces, though. Or if your work is conducive to working in a coffee shop, that's totally legit and normal, people typically need to be around other people.
It's a harsh world in the US (I'm guessing that's where you are?) for just about anyone who's not born into wealth and/or stunningly excellent mental health.
Please be kind to yourself.
posted by leemleem at 10:39 AM on August 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
There's all the standard suggestions for therapy and possibly medication - and YES look for and apply for other jobs because you never know what you'll find! But I also get that those suggestions are tough to reach when one is in a tough headspace. You might want to look into co-working spaces, though. Or if your work is conducive to working in a coffee shop, that's totally legit and normal, people typically need to be around other people.
It's a harsh world in the US (I'm guessing that's where you are?) for just about anyone who's not born into wealth and/or stunningly excellent mental health.
Please be kind to yourself.
posted by leemleem at 10:39 AM on August 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
I am not you, and you are not me, but I have been in a similar situation before and may have some helpful insight. This is not just about loneliness and seeing other people.
In my case, I was in a similar situation; depressed, social life collapsing, in a job I did not find fulfilling. This is just advice and comes from a empathetic spirit who had a similar struggle - take it for what it is worth.
1- Therapy now. You mention being depressive which tells me that you may already be tuned into mental healthcare, but if not, you need to start that yesterday. This reads incredibly depressive to me and there is way more negative self-talk than you deserve. Getting your head in a better place will help immensely with all the other "physical world" changes you might want to make. This is beyond just being lonely - you deserve to be in a place where you are happy and comfortable with yourself and therapy might help you get there.
1b- Get off social media if you can. Nearly all research shows it exacerbates (or can be a cause of) mental health conditions. It is designed to manipulate your brain chemistry and that is the last thing you want when you are trying to figure life out.
2- Decide what YOU want to do and what is most important in life to YOU. I was trying to follow the "script" of adult success and it got me nowhere - once I finally accepted that what I was doing wasn't getting me what I wanted, I felt freer to let go of the things in life I really didn't want and pursue the things that really did matter to me. Who do you want to be when you've removed the job, the living situation, the social situation? For me, it took being able to answer that question to do anything truly productive in terms of making my life more satisfying.
3- Be patient and love yourself. You are awesome and have value. The amazing thing about human life and society is how incredibly unique and individual we all are - no one can exactly replace anyone else and I find that so comforting in a strange way. Give yourself some credit - you are still here, still fighting, and there is a future for you. You may not be satisfied now, but that doesn't mean it is a permanent condition of your being. Just surviving in this world is a feat and you are doing it on the daily. If nothing else, know that this internet stranger is rooting for you and wants you to find your satisfaction in life.
4- Try going for a walk (or exercise) every day if you can. One thing I learned that helped with my shut-in-ness and anxiety was that I needed a physical response to anxiety or depression. If I tried to "think" my way out of it, it never worked - if anything I just went more into the weeds with it. Once I started getting up and physically doing something, I was much more able to acknowledge and pass my negative emotions. Physical movement tells your brain "yes, you are anxious/depressed about something but look, we are doing something about it" I'm a very in my head person and this was like gold for me when it came to dealing with flashes of anxiety or depression.
posted by _DB_ at 10:42 AM on August 16, 2022 [20 favorites]
In my case, I was in a similar situation; depressed, social life collapsing, in a job I did not find fulfilling. This is just advice and comes from a empathetic spirit who had a similar struggle - take it for what it is worth.
1- Therapy now. You mention being depressive which tells me that you may already be tuned into mental healthcare, but if not, you need to start that yesterday. This reads incredibly depressive to me and there is way more negative self-talk than you deserve. Getting your head in a better place will help immensely with all the other "physical world" changes you might want to make. This is beyond just being lonely - you deserve to be in a place where you are happy and comfortable with yourself and therapy might help you get there.
1b- Get off social media if you can. Nearly all research shows it exacerbates (or can be a cause of) mental health conditions. It is designed to manipulate your brain chemistry and that is the last thing you want when you are trying to figure life out.
2- Decide what YOU want to do and what is most important in life to YOU. I was trying to follow the "script" of adult success and it got me nowhere - once I finally accepted that what I was doing wasn't getting me what I wanted, I felt freer to let go of the things in life I really didn't want and pursue the things that really did matter to me. Who do you want to be when you've removed the job, the living situation, the social situation? For me, it took being able to answer that question to do anything truly productive in terms of making my life more satisfying.
3- Be patient and love yourself. You are awesome and have value. The amazing thing about human life and society is how incredibly unique and individual we all are - no one can exactly replace anyone else and I find that so comforting in a strange way. Give yourself some credit - you are still here, still fighting, and there is a future for you. You may not be satisfied now, but that doesn't mean it is a permanent condition of your being. Just surviving in this world is a feat and you are doing it on the daily. If nothing else, know that this internet stranger is rooting for you and wants you to find your satisfaction in life.
4- Try going for a walk (or exercise) every day if you can. One thing I learned that helped with my shut-in-ness and anxiety was that I needed a physical response to anxiety or depression. If I tried to "think" my way out of it, it never worked - if anything I just went more into the weeds with it. Once I started getting up and physically doing something, I was much more able to acknowledge and pass my negative emotions. Physical movement tells your brain "yes, you are anxious/depressed about something but look, we are doing something about it" I'm a very in my head person and this was like gold for me when it came to dealing with flashes of anxiety or depression.
posted by _DB_ at 10:42 AM on August 16, 2022 [20 favorites]
I can't speak to the living-alone piece but I can say that I hope you can in fact reframe what happened with your roommate a bit! Someone who jumped at the opportunity to buy the place they were living sounds like someone who really wanted to own a place to live alone, and that very likely has nothing whatsoever to do with you. A lot of people with roommates would prefer to live alone if they could afford it, and it sounds like after a change in circumstances, your former roommate could afford it. And was a ungracious in making that transition. But it sounds to me, and I hope your brain can allow it to sound to you, as if that had very little to do with you as a person at all.
posted by Stacey at 10:43 AM on August 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 10:43 AM on August 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
If you
- can hold down a paying job that covers your costs of living
- can get your Depression to a manageable/functional level (not zero, but chronic rather than severe/acute)
- are a kind and considerate and thoughtful person
- have adequate communication skills and are willing to work on your communication skills, and approach a problem as "me and my partner vs the problem" rather than "me vs my partner"
- do your share of the housework
it is highly likely that there will be someone out out there who will be delighted to date you.
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 10:44 AM on August 16, 2022 [24 favorites]
- can hold down a paying job that covers your costs of living
- can get your Depression to a manageable/functional level (not zero, but chronic rather than severe/acute)
- are a kind and considerate and thoughtful person
- have adequate communication skills and are willing to work on your communication skills, and approach a problem as "me and my partner vs the problem" rather than "me vs my partner"
- do your share of the housework
it is highly likely that there will be someone out out there who will be delighted to date you.
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 10:44 AM on August 16, 2022 [24 favorites]
distorted thinking
Therapists call this cognitive distortions (have you talked to yours about this specifically?) The good news is that just being able to recognize when you're doing this is helpful in itself, and there are more steps to deal with it. The link I provided might get you started and your therapist might be able to help with this too.
posted by splitpeasoup at 10:47 AM on August 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
Therapists call this cognitive distortions (have you talked to yours about this specifically?) The good news is that just being able to recognize when you're doing this is helpful in itself, and there are more steps to deal with it. The link I provided might get you started and your therapist might be able to help with this too.
posted by splitpeasoup at 10:47 AM on August 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't have advice on most of this because I have the same problems, but I have one thought:
Roommates are temporary. They will rotate in and out of your life, mostly depending on their own life changes like buying a house, finding an SO, having a baby, etc. One roommate ditching you is just par for the course. I can absolutely get feeling hurt over this one, though, they made it sound very personal as to why they were ditching you. I doubt if you'd been in perfect mental health they would have let you stay, though. I suspect that was just kind of extra excuse because they wanted their own house and they weren't particularly friendly/close to you.
I note that after a certain age, I gave up on finding roommates because they don't last for very long (especially where I live) and it's tiring to keep looking for new ones.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:01 AM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Roommates are temporary. They will rotate in and out of your life, mostly depending on their own life changes like buying a house, finding an SO, having a baby, etc. One roommate ditching you is just par for the course. I can absolutely get feeling hurt over this one, though, they made it sound very personal as to why they were ditching you. I doubt if you'd been in perfect mental health they would have let you stay, though. I suspect that was just kind of extra excuse because they wanted their own house and they weren't particularly friendly/close to you.
I note that after a certain age, I gave up on finding roommates because they don't last for very long (especially where I live) and it's tiring to keep looking for new ones.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:01 AM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Moving out of the roommate situation just happened. So naturally you feel a bit bad about that. It's key to realise that that feeling won't last.
Which is good of course. You'll forget about it gradually. You won't think about it as much and when you do you won't feel that much.
So that's a process you need to help! And you're not doing that I don't think.
Currently you're castigating yourself quite a bit. Calling yourself "a loser in the game of life" f.i.
A lot of us have a tendency like that: to be our own worst critic. Perhaps as a way of showing "I do know better". But it's not a good tactic.
So my advice is: let go of the self castigation, do things, exercise, have experiences even when you don't feel like it, and give it time.
And be a bit kinder to yourself. You deserve it.
posted by jouke at 11:59 AM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Which is good of course. You'll forget about it gradually. You won't think about it as much and when you do you won't feel that much.
So that's a process you need to help! And you're not doing that I don't think.
Currently you're castigating yourself quite a bit. Calling yourself "a loser in the game of life" f.i.
A lot of us have a tendency like that: to be our own worst critic. Perhaps as a way of showing "I do know better". But it's not a good tactic.
So my advice is: let go of the self castigation, do things, exercise, have experiences even when you don't feel like it, and give it time.
And be a bit kinder to yourself. You deserve it.
posted by jouke at 11:59 AM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
LOL it's kind of weird to read essentially a description of my days presented as "a huge loser in the game of life." Ow?
I suppose that's something I sort of know that a hypothetical Very Achieving Success Person might think about me, but it isn't really how I feel about it most of the time. So maybe one way to start reframing your situation is to imagine a friend who lives the same life you do, and whether you'd be such a mean jerk to that person?
It's hard when you're trapped in depression; it makes people very self-focused and tells lots of lies about how nobody ever in the history of humanity has had a life like yours, you're uniquely shitty, etc. Lord knows that in some of my worst depressions I have definitely done just this--complained of the epic and irretrievable failure of my life to a person with exactly the same life, never pausing to think that I'd just called a dear friend an irretrievable failure with no reason to live. Of course I never thought that about anyone else; my depression told me everyone else was perfect and amazing with a fantastic life because they were better than me and deserved it more.
In short, no, I don't think your therapy is working (or anyway, not working on its own), and I think you might want to look into adding some meds to your arsenal.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:13 PM on August 16, 2022 [13 favorites]
I suppose that's something I sort of know that a hypothetical Very Achieving Success Person might think about me, but it isn't really how I feel about it most of the time. So maybe one way to start reframing your situation is to imagine a friend who lives the same life you do, and whether you'd be such a mean jerk to that person?
It's hard when you're trapped in depression; it makes people very self-focused and tells lots of lies about how nobody ever in the history of humanity has had a life like yours, you're uniquely shitty, etc. Lord knows that in some of my worst depressions I have definitely done just this--complained of the epic and irretrievable failure of my life to a person with exactly the same life, never pausing to think that I'd just called a dear friend an irretrievable failure with no reason to live. Of course I never thought that about anyone else; my depression told me everyone else was perfect and amazing with a fantastic life because they were better than me and deserved it more.
In short, no, I don't think your therapy is working (or anyway, not working on its own), and I think you might want to look into adding some meds to your arsenal.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:13 PM on August 16, 2022 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers so far! You're really helping.
Threadsitting to add that this was a long term roommate situation--it was kind of like having a platonic spouse in certain ways. (Not exactly a great spouse, but someone to chat with, do some chores together, maybe get a coffee or something. Non total isolation.) I'm kicking myself for not establishing myself in a more grown up relationship and not being able to see myself as others saw me (negatively).
posted by kingdead at 12:21 PM on August 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Threadsitting to add that this was a long term roommate situation--it was kind of like having a platonic spouse in certain ways. (Not exactly a great spouse, but someone to chat with, do some chores together, maybe get a coffee or something. Non total isolation.) I'm kicking myself for not establishing myself in a more grown up relationship and not being able to see myself as others saw me (negatively).
posted by kingdead at 12:21 PM on August 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Well, of course you feel burnt to find out that someone you knew for years saw you that poorly. :( Sometimes you wish some people would not go for the brutal honesty and this sounds like one of those times.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:29 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:29 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Rumination and self-deprecation are recognizable, addressable habits. It seems like you're caught up in both, maybe even to the extent that they're unified in the same habit. Have you talked with your therapist about strategies to focus on breaking out of these habits / this habit? If not, you can find workbooks that you can delve into on your own, as an adjunct to your therapy. I found a lot of help with this one and still use it as a touchstone today (my Ask history charts a pretty clear timeline trajectory for what got me into therapy and how I've emerged from those times--so I feel like this worksbook was very helpful and led me to "graduate" from one therapist to another who specialized in the kind of therapy that workbook is based in).
A big part of that approach to therapy--ACT--involves really deeply diving into what your capital-V Values are in life. I think that's a helpful step to do when your ruminations center around what may be considered "missed goals" or "assumed goals," like having a partner by a certain age, or having a home at a certain age, or having a specific income at a certain age. Are those things that line up with what you really value in life, or are they not super critical to living your life in line with your values? If you're in the latter group, you might be talking yourself into a lot of misery by that disconnect between ["assumed goals" that make sense in some way but aren't necessarily your goals] and [the values that you have but maybe haven't explored to the point of being able to approach decisions by filtering your choices by which ones better serve your values]. I know that can all sound corny and generic, but I tell you what--I always thought I led a deeply considered life, but there was indeed more room for me to pay attention to the deep, deep depths of those capital-V values. Even in my late 30s and early 40s, I was still able to chart new territory. Some of those values weren't unknown to me in substance, but the magnitude of how deeply felt and resonant some of those values really are was... I dunno, truly shocking? And prioritizing how I make decisions in accord with those deeeeeeep, reverberating, intensely-felt values has been life changing.
Apologies if any of this is rudimentary or already familiar to you. It was all new to me and it came when I most needed it, in part because of this Ask comment that introduced me to the notion of ambiguous loss and started a long, still-continuing process of tumbling dominoes. Those dominoes guided me into therapy, and then a different kind of therapy, and then into a new period in my life that is complex and joyful and surprising and all sorts of other things. Turning points can come in surpising places.
Hang in there buddy.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:42 PM on August 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
A big part of that approach to therapy--ACT--involves really deeply diving into what your capital-V Values are in life. I think that's a helpful step to do when your ruminations center around what may be considered "missed goals" or "assumed goals," like having a partner by a certain age, or having a home at a certain age, or having a specific income at a certain age. Are those things that line up with what you really value in life, or are they not super critical to living your life in line with your values? If you're in the latter group, you might be talking yourself into a lot of misery by that disconnect between ["assumed goals" that make sense in some way but aren't necessarily your goals] and [the values that you have but maybe haven't explored to the point of being able to approach decisions by filtering your choices by which ones better serve your values]. I know that can all sound corny and generic, but I tell you what--I always thought I led a deeply considered life, but there was indeed more room for me to pay attention to the deep, deep depths of those capital-V values. Even in my late 30s and early 40s, I was still able to chart new territory. Some of those values weren't unknown to me in substance, but the magnitude of how deeply felt and resonant some of those values really are was... I dunno, truly shocking? And prioritizing how I make decisions in accord with those deeeeeeep, reverberating, intensely-felt values has been life changing.
Apologies if any of this is rudimentary or already familiar to you. It was all new to me and it came when I most needed it, in part because of this Ask comment that introduced me to the notion of ambiguous loss and started a long, still-continuing process of tumbling dominoes. Those dominoes guided me into therapy, and then a different kind of therapy, and then into a new period in my life that is complex and joyful and surprising and all sorts of other things. Turning points can come in surpising places.
Hang in there buddy.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:42 PM on August 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
My fix in a similar situation was to change the kind of classes I was taking to find new community. (what follows is from my experience and a bit of stereotyping, sorry).
You want something interactive (so, not a drawing class full of introverts or yoga) but not competitive (many sports-- ugh even kickball has assholes for some reason?), and ideally in the evenings (so you can meet folks from all walks of life, not just the wealthy or retirees) where folks go out afterwards for a beer or two. My perfect class was a group guitar school. I met a ton of folks who were willing to be bad at something and wanted to spend their disposable income on new experiences.
posted by travertina at 12:44 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
You want something interactive (so, not a drawing class full of introverts or yoga) but not competitive (many sports-- ugh even kickball has assholes for some reason?), and ideally in the evenings (so you can meet folks from all walks of life, not just the wealthy or retirees) where folks go out afterwards for a beer or two. My perfect class was a group guitar school. I met a ton of folks who were willing to be bad at something and wanted to spend their disposable income on new experiences.
posted by travertina at 12:44 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
What type of volunteering do you do? The more you can shift your focus from yourself to how you can help another person (an elderly person in need of company at a nursing home, someone in need of tutoring, etc), the better.
posted by pinochiette at 12:47 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 12:47 PM on August 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
How do people live alone and work alone without constantly going over all the reasons in their head that they deserve to be alone forever?
how does any adult stand having roommates without feeling like they're stuck in perpetually arrested adolescence, unable to handle the responsibility of getting their own place and probably unworthy of having one? same answer, probably
if you want more human contact, that's what you want, and as long as you don't have it, you will be less happy than you are capable of. but whatever part of this is coming from your imagination of what other people think of people with their own homes, that's not real. I assume most people want as much privacy and control over their dwellings as they can afford to have, because that's what I want. this assumption that everyone else wants what I want makes me feel successful and self-satisfied, so it is in my best interest not to question it. but if it didn't? I would.
I guess I'm asking for tips from those who live completely alone on how they keep their sanity
if I had to see other people in my own home every day, I don't think I could keep it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:01 PM on August 16, 2022 [18 favorites]
how does any adult stand having roommates without feeling like they're stuck in perpetually arrested adolescence, unable to handle the responsibility of getting their own place and probably unworthy of having one? same answer, probably
if you want more human contact, that's what you want, and as long as you don't have it, you will be less happy than you are capable of. but whatever part of this is coming from your imagination of what other people think of people with their own homes, that's not real. I assume most people want as much privacy and control over their dwellings as they can afford to have, because that's what I want. this assumption that everyone else wants what I want makes me feel successful and self-satisfied, so it is in my best interest not to question it. but if it didn't? I would.
I guess I'm asking for tips from those who live completely alone on how they keep their sanity
if I had to see other people in my own home every day, I don't think I could keep it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:01 PM on August 16, 2022 [18 favorites]
One thing stands out for me, and it is this:
Visions of being homeless and penniless dance in my head, because it's what I "deserve."
Feeling like shit is one of those experiences that seems like it would be more tolerable if we had an explanation for it, and the Just World delusion - which we all pick up as kids to some extent (it's the entire point and purpose of the Santa Claus behaviour training myth) - is right there standing ready to fill that explanatory need.
But the thing about delusions is that while they often feel comforting in the moment, they're corrosive enough to a workable worldview that they almost always end up making everything worse, not better. It seems to me that when we're feeling like shit we're better off with no explanation for that than clinging to one as broken and wrong as Just World.
Almost nobody deserves to be homeless and penniless. The only exceptions are assholes as consistently vicious and as keen to abuse whatever power they can get their grubby tiny hands on as your Donald Trumps and Alex Joneses and Vladimir Putins and they are neither homeless nor penniless, which is as good a bust of Just World as any.
You certainly don't deserve it. You're not a terrible person, merely a person currently having trouble playing the hand the world has dealt you.
When it comes right down to it, any justice that exists in this world exists because we work hard to build it. It's certainly not inherent, and there aren't anywhere near enough people doing that work, so there are endless cracks in it. You've got your ass in one right now, and it's hurting.
All that said, I agree with all of the advice that _DB_ gave above, with an extra helping of support for getting off toxic social media and a side of doing whatever you can to insulate yourself from advertising generally. There are a lot of highly paid people working very hard to maintain us all in a state of anxiety and misery and personal inadequacy that we'll keep on trying to treat by buying more of what they're selling, and you don't need to be dealing with the astonishing volume of shit coming off their shovels on top of everything else right now.
posted by flabdablet at 1:14 PM on August 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Visions of being homeless and penniless dance in my head, because it's what I "deserve."
Feeling like shit is one of those experiences that seems like it would be more tolerable if we had an explanation for it, and the Just World delusion - which we all pick up as kids to some extent (it's the entire point and purpose of the Santa Claus behaviour training myth) - is right there standing ready to fill that explanatory need.
But the thing about delusions is that while they often feel comforting in the moment, they're corrosive enough to a workable worldview that they almost always end up making everything worse, not better. It seems to me that when we're feeling like shit we're better off with no explanation for that than clinging to one as broken and wrong as Just World.
Almost nobody deserves to be homeless and penniless. The only exceptions are assholes as consistently vicious and as keen to abuse whatever power they can get their grubby tiny hands on as your Donald Trumps and Alex Joneses and Vladimir Putins and they are neither homeless nor penniless, which is as good a bust of Just World as any.
You certainly don't deserve it. You're not a terrible person, merely a person currently having trouble playing the hand the world has dealt you.
When it comes right down to it, any justice that exists in this world exists because we work hard to build it. It's certainly not inherent, and there aren't anywhere near enough people doing that work, so there are endless cracks in it. You've got your ass in one right now, and it's hurting.
All that said, I agree with all of the advice that _DB_ gave above, with an extra helping of support for getting off toxic social media and a side of doing whatever you can to insulate yourself from advertising generally. There are a lot of highly paid people working very hard to maintain us all in a state of anxiety and misery and personal inadequacy that we'll keep on trying to treat by buying more of what they're selling, and you don't need to be dealing with the astonishing volume of shit coming off their shovels on top of everything else right now.
posted by flabdablet at 1:14 PM on August 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
I don't think your question is really about living alone; your question is about hating yourself.
I just finished There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. I think you would get a lot out of it.
In a nutshell, you just have to relax enough to stop hating yourself long enough to realize that nothing terrible is going to happen if you don't self-flagellate.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:51 PM on August 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
I just finished There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. I think you would get a lot out of it.
In a nutshell, you just have to relax enough to stop hating yourself long enough to realize that nothing terrible is going to happen if you don't self-flagellate.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:51 PM on August 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Threadsitting to add that this was a long term roommate situation--it was kind of like having a platonic spouse in certain ways. (Not exactly a great spouse, but someone to chat with, do some chores together, maybe get a coffee or something. Non total isolation.) I'm kicking myself for not establishing myself in a more grown up relationship and not being able to see myself as others saw me (negatively).
Sometimes the question we ask -- how do people live alone, for example -- is not really the question or information need we have. I am wondering if the help you need right now is processing this break-up-like-end-of-relationship. I don't know how it all went down, but you seem to be generalizing a lot of what happened here to who you are as a person in the world. So, my first suggestion is to try not to do that. Maybe thinking of this as a break up will help, because it will give you some tools and framing for understanding it.
It sounds like you had a rich and complex relationship with your former housemate, and you valued that, and you are having a really hard time working through the end of it, which involved not just an emotional breakup and upheaval, but several life transitions. And it sounds like you are taking the things this one person said and doing some catastrophizing and generalizing ("people" see you "negatively" is a HUGE jump).
Also, sometimes the things we say to people at the end of relationships -- they were worried about you making rent -- aren't the only things they said -- they also didn't want to be landlord -- and there are lots of other reasons we don't say (perhaps, it wasn't feeling great for them and they were ready to move on for a host of reasons).
I'm going to guess that if you look around in the world, you see people with many strengths and some weaknesses, and you don't think any of the terrible things about them you think about yourself. So, try not judging yourself so much more harshly than you just others.
I'm glad you are in therapy. I don't know what we can say to help you feel better, but I do think that learning self-love and self-compassion is a long journey I'd suggest you be on, and it's likely going to involve spending a lot of time thinking about love you didn't get as a kid from your caregivers.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:18 PM on August 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
Sometimes the question we ask -- how do people live alone, for example -- is not really the question or information need we have. I am wondering if the help you need right now is processing this break-up-like-end-of-relationship. I don't know how it all went down, but you seem to be generalizing a lot of what happened here to who you are as a person in the world. So, my first suggestion is to try not to do that. Maybe thinking of this as a break up will help, because it will give you some tools and framing for understanding it.
It sounds like you had a rich and complex relationship with your former housemate, and you valued that, and you are having a really hard time working through the end of it, which involved not just an emotional breakup and upheaval, but several life transitions. And it sounds like you are taking the things this one person said and doing some catastrophizing and generalizing ("people" see you "negatively" is a HUGE jump).
Also, sometimes the things we say to people at the end of relationships -- they were worried about you making rent -- aren't the only things they said -- they also didn't want to be landlord -- and there are lots of other reasons we don't say (perhaps, it wasn't feeling great for them and they were ready to move on for a host of reasons).
I'm going to guess that if you look around in the world, you see people with many strengths and some weaknesses, and you don't think any of the terrible things about them you think about yourself. So, try not judging yourself so much more harshly than you just others.
I'm glad you are in therapy. I don't know what we can say to help you feel better, but I do think that learning self-love and self-compassion is a long journey I'd suggest you be on, and it's likely going to involve spending a lot of time thinking about love you didn't get as a kid from your caregivers.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:18 PM on August 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
Reiterating the calls to reframe above.
Many, many, many people strive for years, decades, their *whole life* to have what you objectively already have: you have the ability and the freedom to live alone, and work from home, unencumbered by roommates and officemates and FREE (gloriously free) to make what you will of your own space! You are doing it!
Here is a story someone recently told me. Some wealthy working types take a beach trip and charter a small fishing boat to take them around a bay fishing. The small fishing boat is manned by some non-wealthy working types who for a living man a small fishing boat that takes wealthy working types around the bay to fish during the day. Then in the evening they have dinner and some beer at the bar together and shoot the breeze. The wealthy working types accompany the non-wealthy working types to the bar one evening and start cooking up some elaborate plans to help the non-wealthy working types make money with their fishing boat enterprise. You could make so much money if you worked really hard for a few years -- it would only take ten years until you didn't have to work at all!, they say. And then what would we do?, asked the non-wealthy working types. And the wealthy working types say: You could relax every night just like this! -- go fishing every day right here and then at night just have dinner and beer and shoot the breeze! Every day!
You have, on your own steam, landed in a place of wonderful freedom and have all that you need to use that freedom to make plans for yourself, including just taking it easy, meeting new people when you want to, if you want to, taking care of your health (physical and mental) and pursuing some hobbies, taking classes, volunteering, and thinking about what you enjoy now and what you might enjoy in the future. To a very significant majority of human beings who ever lived and ever will live, you are living a life that is the stuff of dreams. Good for you. In part that is good fortune, in part it is just random, in part it is the silver lining in the dark cloud that was your roommate changing course on you, and in part is what you have positively shaped and created for yourself. And what you have created is, again just for emphasis, something that a whole lot of people haven't been able to.
*Everyone* could be homeless and penniless but everyone is not.
And neither are you.
Good job.
posted by desert exile at 6:48 PM on August 16, 2022 [14 favorites]
Many, many, many people strive for years, decades, their *whole life* to have what you objectively already have: you have the ability and the freedom to live alone, and work from home, unencumbered by roommates and officemates and FREE (gloriously free) to make what you will of your own space! You are doing it!
Here is a story someone recently told me. Some wealthy working types take a beach trip and charter a small fishing boat to take them around a bay fishing. The small fishing boat is manned by some non-wealthy working types who for a living man a small fishing boat that takes wealthy working types around the bay to fish during the day. Then in the evening they have dinner and some beer at the bar together and shoot the breeze. The wealthy working types accompany the non-wealthy working types to the bar one evening and start cooking up some elaborate plans to help the non-wealthy working types make money with their fishing boat enterprise. You could make so much money if you worked really hard for a few years -- it would only take ten years until you didn't have to work at all!, they say. And then what would we do?, asked the non-wealthy working types. And the wealthy working types say: You could relax every night just like this! -- go fishing every day right here and then at night just have dinner and beer and shoot the breeze! Every day!
You have, on your own steam, landed in a place of wonderful freedom and have all that you need to use that freedom to make plans for yourself, including just taking it easy, meeting new people when you want to, if you want to, taking care of your health (physical and mental) and pursuing some hobbies, taking classes, volunteering, and thinking about what you enjoy now and what you might enjoy in the future. To a very significant majority of human beings who ever lived and ever will live, you are living a life that is the stuff of dreams. Good for you. In part that is good fortune, in part it is just random, in part it is the silver lining in the dark cloud that was your roommate changing course on you, and in part is what you have positively shaped and created for yourself. And what you have created is, again just for emphasis, something that a whole lot of people haven't been able to.
*Everyone* could be homeless and penniless but everyone is not.
And neither are you.
Good job.
posted by desert exile at 6:48 PM on August 16, 2022 [14 favorites]
Living alone after having lived with others is definitely an adjustment. I love living alone and actually prefer it but also can find it a bit isolated. It's hardly boring for me but it can feel a bit lonely, something I only now can reluctantly admit to myself. Life in the US, unless I'm near close friends or family, tends to feel a bit disconnected to me even if I have a great community and am around people who share my values. In fact, I live a 20-45 minute drive from family and friends and I still feel lonely sometimes? I think back to a few years ago when I was living abroad with twelve roommates and a cat and it was ridiculous but also delightful. I don't miss it because I remember all the crap, too, but it was never lonely and life felt exciting. COVID has robbed us of a lot of joyful anticipation and exacerbated loneliness so the timing is something to keep in mind, sadly. It's not necessarily the cause but it sure didn't make things better.
I don't think one's ability to live successfully with roommates is any reflection on one's ability to live with a partner. You say your ex-roommate was almost like a platonic partner but I see you describing your relationship in the same way I'd describe, say, a prison bunkmate. It's devoid of any warmth or joy, just circumstance and a shared mundanity. Frankly, a prison bunkmate could become a great friend but the person you describe sounds like no friend to me. You absolutely deserve better and you will find better, even as the negative voice in your head is telling you otherwise. That's the depression talking, not your true self. I think you know you deserve better deep down because you are yearning for it.
Cats are amazing, and it's OK to think this! I teach middle school and I can guarantee you that no teen with a beloved pet would consider pet time a waste or sign of being a loser. It's too bad our generation is sometimes still stuck with the perspective that pet time is a consolation prize rather than the true gem it is. These days I find myself preferring to stay at home with my cats than go on a blah date or see a blah acquaintance. I don't want to imagine what my home life would be without cats and I struggle to remember what it was like to live alone before I had the joy of little paws pitter pattering around.
I agree with everyone about therapy. I think your life sounds pretty great but you're right that it's hard to feel that way when you're comparing yourself to others, especially people on social media. My social media use has had ups and downs but lately it's been mostly positive. I post a few Stories of "boring" stuff like my cats looking cute or a pie I baked and happily people respond. I respond to their similar photos as well as the fancy vacation shots. Experts say that actually interacting on social media, commenting or sliding into a friend's DMs, is what makes us happier while idly scrolling makes us unhappy.
I also read recently -- I'm super into self-help books, something I say with sheepish pride -- that one thing that brings joy is moving our bodies, especially with others. I have gotten back into exercise classes at community rec centers and, after initially kinda hating it and feeling cringe, I am really loving it six months later. It's not deep but it's not superficial either; people are all different ages and backgrounds, and that's a nice mix. The music and movement and group smiles or groans are the perfect combination. I highly recommend them for someone feeling lonely as long as you are determined to push through the awkwardness you -- and I and many others -- feel at first. However, it sounds like you may not be quite ready for something so intense yet and that's OK. But please do consider it as an option if it might appeal to you in any way, including simply for vanity because exercise makes us feel good and look good too.
My life is pretty great now but I still have my moments: I both love being single and get really bummed about it at times. I spent a lot of time last year wishing I lived in a cool neighborhood downtown versus the suburb I'm in now. I had a bit of a reset and it was good. A few years ago I had a major life change, including three years of therapy and then later medication via a psychiatrist, and I check in with both every other month or so. If and when you're ready to do the hard and often excruciating work of therapy, it will be there for you and likely have huge pay offs, if not immediately then eventually. It is understandable that you are so bummed by the financial state of things and how unachievable homeownership is for many or even most Millennials and Gen Z. It still may happen for you one day but it sucks that we were told it was a sign of success growing up only to be denied access in adulthood despite hard work and having done everything "right."
Admittedly, I don't think my reply will be very helpful BUT I wanted to share some thoughts and experiences. You are not alone and you deserve to feel better. I'm glad you reached out for support and shared so candidly how you're struggling now. I know good things are in store for you, and I hope these responses give you some tips and techniques to try. You deserve it!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't think one's ability to live successfully with roommates is any reflection on one's ability to live with a partner. You say your ex-roommate was almost like a platonic partner but I see you describing your relationship in the same way I'd describe, say, a prison bunkmate. It's devoid of any warmth or joy, just circumstance and a shared mundanity. Frankly, a prison bunkmate could become a great friend but the person you describe sounds like no friend to me. You absolutely deserve better and you will find better, even as the negative voice in your head is telling you otherwise. That's the depression talking, not your true self. I think you know you deserve better deep down because you are yearning for it.
Cats are amazing, and it's OK to think this! I teach middle school and I can guarantee you that no teen with a beloved pet would consider pet time a waste or sign of being a loser. It's too bad our generation is sometimes still stuck with the perspective that pet time is a consolation prize rather than the true gem it is. These days I find myself preferring to stay at home with my cats than go on a blah date or see a blah acquaintance. I don't want to imagine what my home life would be without cats and I struggle to remember what it was like to live alone before I had the joy of little paws pitter pattering around.
I agree with everyone about therapy. I think your life sounds pretty great but you're right that it's hard to feel that way when you're comparing yourself to others, especially people on social media. My social media use has had ups and downs but lately it's been mostly positive. I post a few Stories of "boring" stuff like my cats looking cute or a pie I baked and happily people respond. I respond to their similar photos as well as the fancy vacation shots. Experts say that actually interacting on social media, commenting or sliding into a friend's DMs, is what makes us happier while idly scrolling makes us unhappy.
I also read recently -- I'm super into self-help books, something I say with sheepish pride -- that one thing that brings joy is moving our bodies, especially with others. I have gotten back into exercise classes at community rec centers and, after initially kinda hating it and feeling cringe, I am really loving it six months later. It's not deep but it's not superficial either; people are all different ages and backgrounds, and that's a nice mix. The music and movement and group smiles or groans are the perfect combination. I highly recommend them for someone feeling lonely as long as you are determined to push through the awkwardness you -- and I and many others -- feel at first. However, it sounds like you may not be quite ready for something so intense yet and that's OK. But please do consider it as an option if it might appeal to you in any way, including simply for vanity because exercise makes us feel good and look good too.
My life is pretty great now but I still have my moments: I both love being single and get really bummed about it at times. I spent a lot of time last year wishing I lived in a cool neighborhood downtown versus the suburb I'm in now. I had a bit of a reset and it was good. A few years ago I had a major life change, including three years of therapy and then later medication via a psychiatrist, and I check in with both every other month or so. If and when you're ready to do the hard and often excruciating work of therapy, it will be there for you and likely have huge pay offs, if not immediately then eventually. It is understandable that you are so bummed by the financial state of things and how unachievable homeownership is for many or even most Millennials and Gen Z. It still may happen for you one day but it sucks that we were told it was a sign of success growing up only to be denied access in adulthood despite hard work and having done everything "right."
Admittedly, I don't think my reply will be very helpful BUT I wanted to share some thoughts and experiences. You are not alone and you deserve to feel better. I'm glad you reached out for support and shared so candidly how you're struggling now. I know good things are in store for you, and I hope these responses give you some tips and techniques to try. You deserve it!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond--was really feeling lonely and out of it and this helped.
posted by kingdead at 8:27 AM on August 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 8:27 AM on August 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think you're doing great! You described where I am right now, too, but I have two cats and am delighted to not have roommates anymore. I think like others have said that you just need to reframe it in your mind.
Also agree that getting out into the fresh air every day will help. Is there a place you can go for nature walks? I walk at my local botanical garden and I always feel better after.
Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat someone else.
posted by poppunkcat at 8:35 AM on August 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also agree that getting out into the fresh air every day will help. Is there a place you can go for nature walks? I walk at my local botanical garden and I always feel better after.
Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat someone else.
posted by poppunkcat at 8:35 AM on August 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
Other folks have already suggested getting off social media but I'd also suggest looking for alternative communities to replace that activity with at least partially. I also live alone and work from home, and one thing that I find significantly helps feeling less isolated is participating in small, well moderated, online communities related to specific hobbies or interests. I think the key is to find smaller communities with healthy cultures, that have coalesced around something specific, like a particular game, a podcast, or a streamer. The specificity means that you have some shared interest and a smaller community will more likely to be well moderated. Metafilter is close to this but is a little too large and general sometimes to give that feeling of connection. Obviously there are all kinds of issues in online communities and the kinds of para social relationships that develop with certain kinds is interactions, but I still think there's some potential value and a possibility to be far less toxic than something like Facebook and Twitter
posted by okonomichiyaki at 12:08 PM on August 17, 2022
posted by okonomichiyaki at 12:08 PM on August 17, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
Can you reframe "can't hack having a roommate" as "lived with an incompatible jerk that one time"?
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:36 AM on August 16, 2022 [38 favorites]