Brain injury, mental health, and divorce. Your experiences, please?
April 5, 2019 4:06 PM   Subscribe

My husband had a bad bike wreck last year. He shattered his shoulder, and that (understandably) got the most medical attention. But he also hit his head hard enough to split his helmet. Within two months, his personality shifted suddenly and completely. He's moved out, started a new life, and is racing us toward divorce as quickly as possible. If you've gone through something like this, do you have insights you can share?

The bike wreck happened in mid-November. At the ER, they did a quick screening assessment for concussion (felt his head, checked his pupils, asked him questions), but said something along the lines of 'we're familiar with this kind of injury so we don't think we need to do brain imaging if he performs well in these basic screens.' Seemed reasonable, given that his shoulder and arm were in such obviously terrible shape. Surgery, recovery, and physical therapy followed.

It was a long, hard process for him. He was doing great, though, physically. Mentally, he was a bit dark and somber, but that seemed... reasonable? That dark mood would come and go, and he had some definite "I *can't* be getting old" kind of tantrums when he'd have a bad day. You know, like when you haven't been able to use your right arm for 6 weeks and get stuck taking off your shirt again and have to call for help. That sort of thing. On New Year's Eve he was well enough (and stir crazy enough) to want to go out to ring it in. We met up with friends, had a lovely kiss at midnight, and held each other close while thinking heavens that he'd been wearing his helmet and we'd made it through 2018. January 1, we had fun but ouch-careful-my-arm sex, walked through town holding hands, talked about work travel a couple weeks out, grabbed dinner at a favorite spot. January 2, he walked out.

It took a couple days to get in touch with him. He came home, looking haggard, and said he was getting a divorce and wanted a different life. It took him a couple weeks, but he did eventually tell me he'd signed a 6 month lease on an apartment of his own. I know the general area where it is, but not the address. I've only seen him in person 7 or 8 times since then, and they've been bad. After talking to a doctor and a therapist, there are a few possibilities: (1) this is a direct result of brain trauma, which may have prompted a personality change and may either be permanent or may resolve over months to years; (2) this is an indirect result of brain trauma, as he has a family history of bipolar II, possibly had bipolar II periods in his youth, and TBI may have triggered it (or some other emotional dysregulation state); (3) this is a plain old midlife crisis following a brush with death.

I'm stunned and horrified, as are the kids, as are our family and friends. He cut off all contact with family and friends (except the kids, although his contact with them is intermittent). He did this immediately after moving out. Hundreds of people, blocked phone numbers, email addresses, social media, etc. I and other friends have seen him out on the town, and he's balls to the wall going for it. Sowing his oats, drinking and doing all the things, and recently we've heard rumors that he may have bought a Porsche. He's at the peak of his career, so he's got money to support whatever he wants to do. He's not presenting a clear threat of harm to himself or others, so no one can compel him to assess the situation or seek treatment.

He's brought up divorce most times I've heard from him, and I expect to be served with papers any day. I know there's nothing I can do to fight this, or even delay it, and the kids and I are all (thankfully) in therapy. We know that each of the possible trajectories here has an arc of its own, and I/we are twiddling thumbs and wondering what other people have experienced in similar situations. There's some stuff online, and there are support groups for the families of people with TBI, but so far very few of those resources address something like the life altering impact of post-TBI personality change.

Have you gone through this? Do you know some resource the kids and I can consult for comfort that's specific to dealing with this sort of situation? We'd really appreciate anything you've got to offer.

Last note: yes, he's an asshole now, but for 12 years he's been the most wonderful man I've ever known. I'm not keen to DTMFA, but I will DTMF when it gets to be too much. This change is so sudden, and complete, and *stunning* that I'm still trying to make sense of what I know I may never make sense of. Thank you in advance for your kindness in this regard.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel to Human Relations (27 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have no resources to offer but observations of two situations of family that have gone through head trauma. My cousin was in a major car accident and had sever head injuries. He'd previously broken up with his girl friend 6 months earlier. After the accident is severly brain injured, even now years later he will never get over it. He is also a completely different person to the one I grew up with personality wise. His casual bit of a larrikin attitude became very focused & career driven & he was back in love with the girl he'd broken up with. He was however had very severe brain trauma of the we think he's going to die from it variety & took years to recover.

The second case is my brother who was big into Cross Country horse riding had a nasty fall & had a huge blow to his head which cracked his helmet in his late teens he had a massive personality change. Which turned a nice easy going guy into one with manic type behaviours & depression, took him almost 3 years to get over it, we all thought at first he was mentally ill it's only when he started getting migraines did they connect it back to his head injury.

I really wish I could offer some resources, but both of these cases happened 30 years or so ago & no one really talked about how brain injuries can change personalities back then, we kind of just muddled through blindly in confusion. In my brothers case doctors just kind of shruged & going this is how it is he should get over it, with my cousin it took years & years of specialists helping him before he could cope on his own. If it is because of the head injury I wouldn't be surprised the personality changes are scary to see & hard to comprehend because all the other things that make them the person you knew before hand are there but it's no longer the them you knew. I could help more than saying, yeah it sucks and I'm sorry it is happening to your family.
posted by wwax at 4:51 PM on April 5, 2019


I’m so sorry. This sounds beyond awful. Will he see a therapist with you? Maybe a psychotherapist who might be able to assess bipolar? Will he talk about his reasons?

I do not have any personal experience with this kind of shocking situation. But, I do wonder how safe it is to interact with him. Given the amount of domestic violence that seems to go along with brain injury (say, in pro sports), just be sure that you aren’t putting yourself or your kids in harms way by trying to sort out this relationship. Sending you good vibes!
posted by amanda at 5:29 PM on April 5, 2019 [10 favorites]


This sounds really terrible and stressful and I'm very sorry. You are sounding very level-headed about it all. I'm glad you and your kids are in therapy.

But for the record...
I'm not keen to DTMFA, but I will DTMF when it gets to be too much.
I'm not sure you get to make this choice? It sounds like he has left and he's moving forward. He might come back, and the question would be then if you wanted to take him back, but I think it makes most sense for you to move forward with the presumption that he will continue to want to end your marriage. If he comes back, you would need to build something new because some of these changes might be permanent. But you don't have to take him back if he wants that.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:31 PM on April 5, 2019 [5 favorites]


A helpful term for you might be "ambiguous loss."
posted by bluedaisy at 5:33 PM on April 5, 2019 [13 favorites]


I would call his doctor and express concern about brain damage, because he is someone you love.

Then I would start documenting finances and getting a lawyer. You may feel that the money is not an issue, but you have kids and they'll want to go to college, and you should have your share of the marital assets before they vanish. It gives you a lot more options to rebuild your life.

Maybe the accident propelled him into midlife crisis. Maybe things will change. Maybe not. Get all the help you can to deal with how very awful this must feel.
posted by theora55 at 5:59 PM on April 5, 2019 [86 favorites]


I know you don’t know for sure that this is mental illness, but I would try the helpline for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). This is an absolutely amazing group that provides support for people with mental illness and their families, and they can listen and probably provide resources.
This sounds like a nightmare. Good luck. And yeah, get a lawyer too.
posted by FencingGal at 6:44 PM on April 5, 2019 [2 favorites]


I came in to say what theora55 said. Please protect your finances. My uncle put himself well over $100k in debt in a similar situation and my family is still working through it a decade later.

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:54 PM on April 5, 2019 [7 favorites]


It does seem like he needs to see a doctor, although of course I'm not sure how you can finagle that from your position if he's not talking to you or anyone else?

Anecdotally, a family member of my own had a rather serious brain injury from which she made a full recovery, but it did change her personality in a marked way (interestingly, it changed her for the better).

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:22 PM on April 5, 2019


Just memailed you. So sorry you're dealing with this.
posted by DeadliestQuack at 8:06 PM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]


A long-married family member of mine went through something similar, not with a TBI specifically but other health stuff. His partner experienced a personality change and paranoia/hallucinations later in life, maybe connected to sketchy diet pills. Thought the President was reading her emails and and her husband had had an affair (not true). She resisted immediate emergency mental health treatment and recovered slowly with the help of a therapist she trusted, but she still wanted a divorce and so they split up (after decades of marriage with adult kids). They see each other frequently and both have good, strong relationships with their kids. Their larger family circle is still very puzzled about how and why this change occurred. To me it says you can go through life alongside someone and still not fully know them if they don’t fully know themselves. Sometimes a midlife crisis is someone realizing they want a completely different life, as selfish as it may be.

I would focus for now on doing anything you can to keep him in contact with the kids if safe for them. You say he’s cut off basically everyone—do you know whether he’s acting normally and meeting standards at work?
posted by sallybrown at 8:15 PM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]


Well firstly I'm very sorry this is happening to you and your family. I don't want to suggest that this is what is happening, but I have something of a close analogue, though my step-father didn't hit his head. He did, however, suddenly (this was maybe 4 years ago) walk out on my mom after 30 years of marriage and suddenly do several of the things you describe.

I'd say he had just turned 70 or so at the time, so this isn't a midlife crisis type thing, but at the same time it had all the hallmarks of it. Apparently he took up with his therapist, who had apparently advised him to do what seemed right to him, even if it meant suddenly and completely cutting ties with his wife and two kids whom he'd raised like his own sons.

I have no doubt that his is a very different situation, but I can only tell you what we experienced. Shock and disbelief most of all, since he was a father figure to my brother and I for most of our lives, seemingly concerned, content, interested, and happy. He and my mom had two houses and a beautiful cabin, two dogs, us kids of course, and were more or less happily retired. There was no particular reason for his sudden departure, and he didn't really give one except, I suppose, that he felt he was being somehow limited by us.

What most reminded me of your story was the total change in his personality. The old step-dad was a warm, affable, interested guy who would listen to you, give feedback and advice, and otherwise be a pretty good person as far as I knew. The new one was quick-tempered, unwilling to compromise, totally unconcerned with his existing relationships, and very motivated by money and status. He became untruthful as well, attempting during the divorce to gain as much as possible by plainly aggressive and deceptive dealings and valuations — at one point he decided to keep the dogs, which had been switching places every couple weeks, and used them as leverage in a particular negotiation. The judge and even his own lawyer found his conduct unbecoming.

The whole time I hoped that he would "come to" and realize what was happening, and reverse what he could of the damage he'd done. He didn't but another's situation may be different.

Anyway the details don't matter so much as the fact that, unfortunately, it seems like something happened to him that irreversibly changed him, much for the worse. We have all coped with it as if he died, and a vindictive lookalike took his place. We still talk about the good times, to a certain extent, because it really seems like he was a completely different person then.

I am certainly not a doctor but it definitely seems more than possible that hitting his head caused something, possibly reversible or treatable, to happen - much, much stranger things have occurred. What you have described seems like more than enough to bring up with his doctor and it seems likely that it might be something that would need to be cleared during any kind of divorce proceedings (I'm not a lawyer either, obviously).

Don't give up hope, but be ready to cut ties. It sounds bad but that's what I learned. Hope my brother doesn't see this and think I'm oversharing. I'm happy to chat on memail or something else if I can help at all.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 8:22 PM on April 5, 2019 [8 favorites]


I had a friend who's personality changed radically after hitting his head in a motorcycle accident. I was friends with him for about ten years after the accident before eventually losing touch with him. His personality change never reversed during that time.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:36 PM on April 5, 2019


At the ER, they [...] said something along the lines of 'we're familiar with this kind of injury so we don't think we need to do brain imaging if he performs well in these basic screens.'

I'm startled that there was no brain imaging, but I'm not a doctor. I've recently been reading The Concussion Repair Manual: A Practical Guide to Recovering from Traumatic Brain Injuries by neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Engle - the book discusses the possibility of post-TBI personality changes, and includes links to a wide variety of resources.

I also think you should consult with a family law attorney as soon as possible. Trying to find an attorney after you've been served with papers and have a limited time to file a response could be stressful, but interviewing attorneys now could help you be prepared.
posted by Little Dawn at 9:50 PM on April 5, 2019 [15 favorites]


First of all, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

According to this article written by a neuropsychology researcher at the University of Bangor (Wales), damage to the prefrontal cortex can definitely result in this kind of personality change.

Your story reminded me of what happened to my coworker. Her previously normal, nice husband had a very bad accident and a traumatic brain injury. He recovered physically but turned into a completely different person: surly, angry, restless, intolerant, depressed. She had been trying to get him to see a counsellor but he refused. One day he simply...left. Moved out, cut off contact with her and their two teenaged kids, as well as extended family and longtime family friends. He disappeared to another city for a while, then told her he wanted a divorce. He was engaging in impulsive behaviours and running through their money. He got a shark of a divorce lawyer and stated plainly that his intention was to get as much money from her as possible. He did not want to see the kids and the few times he did, it was at his ex-wife's urging.

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think if at all possible you should try to find a therapist who has experience with survivors of TBIs to help you navigate this rough experience. You could also try contacting the researcher who wrote the article I linked; her name is Leanne Rowlands and her email is sepa07@bangor.ac.uk.

Good luck and I hope you can eventually find some peace.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:53 PM on April 5, 2019 [8 favorites]


You mention talking to a doctor and a therapist. Have you talked to a person who really specializes in all this? When someone we knew was going through a psychological breakdown (sleeping on the streets due to delusions), it really helped to talk to a medical professional who was very familiar with those sorts of situations. We actually found a doctor who did danger-to-self evaluations for a local hospital among other duties. That was perfect because our friend was going to the ER every day or so, making that seem like a likely path to get him help. There may be no parallel certainty available in your situation, but we got a lot from the kind of definitive statements this professional could make. ("I've never seen a patient who has reached this stage 'pull out of it' on their own. He will need help to pull out of this crisis.") She could also give us advice that was very practical because she knew just how the medical system would interact with a patient like this. I'm not sure who would have a parallel level of expertise in your situation, but maybe you could seek out TBI treatment specialists as well as potentially-- are there lawyers who specialize in fighting divorces on the grounds that the person isn't currently in their right mind? Probably not; I'm just brainstorming, but I do think you need to talk to both a medical person and a legal person. Good luck, and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I can only imagine how stressful and upsetting it is.
posted by salvia at 6:14 AM on April 6, 2019


My experience with this is through my job. I work in disability and used to work with veterans, who have a really high incidence of head injuries and more of them are surviving now.

First, I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I am sure this is crushing, and all the more so because you're trying to look after your kids as well. I'm glad you and the kids are in therapy, because this probably is going to turn out to be an ambiguous loss - the person you loved is likely gone and not coming back, and if he does it will likely be unpleasant.

Second, this is unfortunately not all that unusual. Many people with brain injuries are not able to sustain relationships afterward, and often have serious trouble with anger management and impulse control - they lose the middle gears, so to speak, and some people do become quite abusive and even violent. Memory issues are quite common. I have seen it trigger bipolar disorder. If he is willing, he needs to see a doctor, explain what's going on, and see about medication. Nothing can cure a brain injury, but there are options for treating some of the effects. I'd recommend starting with a psychiatrist and a neurologist, but that's if he's willing to go and he may not be.

Of the numbered options you raise above, my guess would be 1 or 2, but there may be some combination of them - they're not mutually exclusive. A head injury and the sudden onset of mania could seriously exacerbate a midlife crisis, for example.

I'm sorry that I can't offer more than this, but it sounds like you have a really solid handle on what might be happening.

Best wishes for you and your kids.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:22 AM on April 6, 2019 [5 favorites]


Just adding my anecdote. I have a friend who had a TBI following a parasailing accident 10 years ago. He's fully recovered physically but mentally he is a completely different person. He used to be very social and fun-loving and now he is a shut-in who refuses to see even the closest of friends; he can't work and relies on disability and parents to get by. Also seconding those who say that your husband's work success is likely in the past - in my experience it takes about half a year for someone to spend down their previously excellent work reputation. I am so very sorry for your loss.
posted by rada at 12:38 PM on April 6, 2019


I'm not a doctor but in my college Abnormal Psych course in 1973 they stressed that small insults to brain tissue can cause localized disability and large insults to brain tissue can cause major personality changes. This was old news back then. A Google search yields this. So it is possible that you are dealing with essentially a different person and so should focus on dealing with the implications as opposed to the cause. And you do have my sympathies for your very difficult situation.
posted by forthright at 5:03 PM on April 6, 2019


I'm really sorry. He's not the same person anymore, and you can't count on him ever returning to what he was.

Years before I was around, one of my parents had a serious TBI. They recovered beyond anyone's wildest hopes and have been successful by all reasonable measures. They still have major problems stemming from that head injury all these decades later.

By all reports their personality changed significantly. There are major areas of life they will always need help with. They have genuine impulse control problems. I love my parent, and they're a great parent. But that amazing recovery didn't bring them back to who they were before, and it didn't fix every problem stemming from that injury.

This could be a mid life crisis. It could be bipolar. It could be the head injury. It could - I suspect probably is - all of those interacting in nasty ways. Regardless - you are currently married to a nasty, impulsive, angry person who is wasting your money, abandoning his family and verbally attacking you.

Please get a good lawyer and get the child support & custody arrangements settled. Don't let him throw away your half of the marital assets.
posted by Ahniya at 3:56 PM on April 7, 2019 [2 favorites]


It’s tempting to blame this all on a curable brain injury, but given that it’s playing out as a very stereotypical midlife crisis it’s hard to tell. In the short term however, it does not matter.

Both of the women I know who went through mid-life abandonments like this very shortly engaged divorce lawyers (despite in one case not wanting to get divorced) and were very glad they did. Whether or not your husband comes to his senses, at the moment you are just a regret and part of his old life and he’s not going to be putting a lot of thought into your welfare.

Consult a professional lawyer on this sooner rather than later. Consider it a way to prevent him from harming himself too much if you like. But certainly don’t wait for the papers to arrive to get moving.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:14 PM on April 7, 2019 [5 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss. And for your husband's loss. As someone who experienced a very similar trauma in 2012, I am still grieving the loss of identity and embedded potential in who I was before.
[one moment, to go have a cry]

I can remember that other person. Maybe your husband is so changed that the before/after connection is lost. She was smart, intellectual, deeply in love with words and language. This woman doesn't really like to read fiction, struggles to put together a persuasive email. After, I ghosted on more friends that I can remember (hahahaha). They just didn't make sense--why is this person even in my life?! It was akin to starting over in kindergarten and building a whole new 'me.' That said, despite treating my community brusquely, I'm putting myself together and learning to like this new person. She dances tango and gives other people space to be flawed and has feelings. But one thing she will never be is the person she was before the Minor Traumatic Brain Injury. Not even a little.

It's time to grieve and protect yourself and begin to move on. Hugs for you.
posted by rubyskye at 1:53 PM on April 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


yes, he's an asshole now, but for 12 years he's been the most wonderful man I've ever known.

The covert narcissist who suddenly walked out on me and our very young kids also fit this exact descriptor. Chump Lady is also full of stories exactly like yours, minus the TBI element (usually). As is the book and blog “Runaway Husbands” by Vikki Stark. This behavior pattern is also very much a thing in the context of infidelity, personality disorders, pathological love relationships, and men with secret lives.

Nthing all of the advice to see a local family lawyer immediately to protect your and your children’s financial futures. A great many marriages need to end after a TBI; you are not alone in this exact kind of crisis. Hugs.
posted by edithkeeler at 4:48 PM on April 8, 2019


Lawyer up. Today. This morning. Now.

Lawyer. Up.

Find the attorney in your town that makes mens knees give way when they see his name on paperwork that is placed in their hand. Not mailed. Served.

He's made it clear that he's not interested in his childrens welfare. He's made it clear that he's not interested in your welfare. You can't make him care. But if you get a knife-fighter you can get his complete and total attention.

I'm not much on lawyers but when you need them there's just nothing else for it. For all we know your husband is sitting in a sharks office as I key this in, making you Wrong, and Bad, and blah blah blah. You need the best legal representation you can find. I say get a knife-fighter and I surely do mean it; should you decide later on to be Sweetness And Light you can move down a notch or two. But your children are not going to be best served by Sweetness And Light ideals. Go on ahead and light incense and whatnot to feed that part. Let the attorney take care of the other stuff.

I knew a guy who went to AA, he was really into the ideals they promote -- he said no way is he going to fight anyone. He told me that it's not a good idea for him to get caught up in fighting someone. When it needs happen, he hires an attorney, gives the attorney all of the relevant information, then lets the attorney do his job.

I have had many head injuries. I have manic depression. I have left relationships that no longer fit, and I haven't always been graceful in the leaving. It's not like I don't feel compassion for your husband. I do. But I feel more compassion for the children involved in it all. A lot more. They've got to be number one, and I don't see why you shouldn't have your say in this also, regardless if he's ill or not.

I wish you weren't in this place. But you are. Please, take care of yourself and take care of those children.

Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:23 AM on April 9, 2019 [1 favorite]


Thank you everyone for your insights. For the record, the kids are all (as of last week) over 18, and there's money set safely aside for them all, along with insurance and the like. I'm stepdad, and my husband is their biological dad. Divorce will make this odd for us all as I'll have no more legal connection to the kids, but they're being real supports throughout this process (which is amazing--it's crazy watching kids grow into young adults).

The messages to get an attorney involved are well received and I'm getting that underway.

Many thanks for those of you who introduced me to the concept of ambiguous loss--that hits the nail on the head. And edithkeeler, yes, my therapist has discussed Chump Lady with me and, ugh, it's a punch in the gut but I think it's pretty possible that this knock on the head brought to the surface something that's been running under the hood for a long time.

Right now I can't envision having any kind of relationship or contact with my husband, or interfering in his new life in any way (including contacting his doctor). I will continue to hold on to a shred of hope that he may in some way, at some pace, come back to earth enough to be able to... I dunno, do something. I miss him so much and that hope is what's getting me through the grief.

Again, thank you all. If anyone else has anything to add, I'm always open to hearing more.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:16 AM on April 9, 2019 [8 favorites]


I've spent a lot of time in on-line support groups for people with TBIs (because I had one). The things you're saying are not unfamiliar following a TBI. I'm sorry, and unfortunately there's no cure, but maybe it helps if you at least know what the source of his changes probably are.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:54 AM on April 9, 2019 [2 favorites]


this is awful and i am so sorry it's happening to you.

i suffered a traumatic brain injury by way of a brain tumor that was removed in late 2015. i'd been in a relationship for ten years at that point and by April of 2016 ended it. to be fair, it had been failing for a long time leading up to the breakup, though we still loved one another and did still have the occasional good time together.

this was absolutely true for me in the immediate aftermath of my surgery:

>Many people with brain injuries are not able to sustain relationships afterward, and often have serious trouble with anger management and impulse control.

in my case, i was confronting a diagnosis of incurable cancer that will significantly shorten my life, so some things came into focus that necessitated major life changes. the sense that life is short and precious was suddenly something i could no longer ignore and i knew with startling clarity that i needed to get out of that relationship.

i hate to disagree with the suggestions of other folks in this thread, but had my former partner contacted my doctors to suggest that our breakup was a result of a traumatic brain injury, i would have been incensed. it was terribly difficult to leave, but three years later i'm still learning how that relationship was toxic for me. my ex repeatedly said that he thought the part of my brain that loved him had been removed with my tumor. that makes me laugh bitterly now, but it gives a good sense of how things seemed from his side of it.

i'm sure this doesn't help you to feel better, but i wanted to offer my perspective from the (heh) brain damaged person's POV.
posted by hollisimo at 4:20 PM on April 9, 2019 [2 favorites]


Thank you all for your insights and input. We're moving forward with the divorce which, while painful and the saddest thing I've ever experienced, is clearly the best and only way out of the darkness. I especially appreciate the link to the "how to lawyer up" wiki, since this is my first time going to an attorney, and also the introduction to the sad and spot on term "ambiguous loss." That's been a helpful concept to discuss with my therapist, and we've started the long and patient labor of getting me and the kids to a more resilient future.

If anyone else comes to this thread looking for information, compassion, a shoulder to lean on, or even to pass on more pearls of wisdom and experience (yes, please), do feel free to message me.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:35 PM on May 6, 2019 [7 favorites]


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