How to force/trick my brain into having hope
August 27, 2021 9:57 PM Subscribe
Naturally pessimistic/depressive temperament plus a history of very bad things happening to me = difficult to maintain sense of hope for the future. But living like this isn't serving me. Any hacks? Details inside.
I'm someone who doesn't have a lot of hope about my future (romance, job, health, etc), but I want to be the type of person who just sort of "trusts" that things will work out in my favor. I don't know if there's a word for making my brain more flexible to believing in positive outcomes, but that's what I'd like to do. How?
Alternative things that I have tried and do NOT work for me so please don't suggest:
1. Shifting focus to the present moment (via mindfulness/meditation) instead of the future
2. Anything religious or spiritual
2. Assuring myself that I'm resilient and that even in the "worst" case scenario I will be "ok" and manage whatever happens (this ultimately makes me feel much worse)
I am open to other things from hypnosis to psychedelics to asking my new therapist for a specific treatment modality.
I would especially love to hear from people who changed this pattern in their own brain and went from genuinely believing something like "I will never experience/achieve X" to "X is just around the corner for me." (Assume I am already doing everything in my own control to get X)
I'm someone who doesn't have a lot of hope about my future (romance, job, health, etc), but I want to be the type of person who just sort of "trusts" that things will work out in my favor. I don't know if there's a word for making my brain more flexible to believing in positive outcomes, but that's what I'd like to do. How?
Alternative things that I have tried and do NOT work for me so please don't suggest:
1. Shifting focus to the present moment (via mindfulness/meditation) instead of the future
2. Anything religious or spiritual
2. Assuring myself that I'm resilient and that even in the "worst" case scenario I will be "ok" and manage whatever happens (this ultimately makes me feel much worse)
I am open to other things from hypnosis to psychedelics to asking my new therapist for a specific treatment modality.
I would especially love to hear from people who changed this pattern in their own brain and went from genuinely believing something like "I will never experience/achieve X" to "X is just around the corner for me." (Assume I am already doing everything in my own control to get X)
a word for making my brain more flexible to believing in positive outcomes,
That word is therapy, which you seem to be doing already, so groovy! you are on the right track!
For me it was in therapy that I came to understand I did not have to believe the self image, and hopeless, worthless, useless narrative and life path I had internalized and could believe something else.
micro dosing with shrooms or another psychedelic might also help, but do your research and be careful if you go that route. Whatever you do, try to remember you do have agency, the world may do things to you but you can do things right back!
posted by vrakatar at 10:37 PM on August 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
That word is therapy, which you seem to be doing already, so groovy! you are on the right track!
For me it was in therapy that I came to understand I did not have to believe the self image, and hopeless, worthless, useless narrative and life path I had internalized and could believe something else.
micro dosing with shrooms or another psychedelic might also help, but do your research and be careful if you go that route. Whatever you do, try to remember you do have agency, the world may do things to you but you can do things right back!
posted by vrakatar at 10:37 PM on August 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
Eagerly following from the same boat.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:50 PM on August 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:50 PM on August 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
my 2¢
posted by j_curiouser at 10:59 PM on August 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
- keep going with therapy
- i advise seeing a prescriber for brain meds. finding the right combo can be a chore, so persistence
- i do not advise individual experimentation with psychedlics. that said, a ketamine regimen is available in a therapeutic setting. ask your mental health provider.
- self care. e.g. go outside when the sun is up. start at 10 minutes, build up at your own pace. setting range-goals has been especially useful for me. no: 5 days/wk. yes: 3-5 days/wk.
- identify a few joyful activities. if you're depressed, consider 'things that used to be joyful'. put them on a calendar. do them. notice what happens. the calendar trick has been useful for me.
- work hard at not being isolated. keep company with trusted friends and advisors.
posted by j_curiouser at 10:59 PM on August 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
I made a somewhat significant change in my personality by visualizing the new person I wanted to be. Didn't realize it worked until someone said "well you, you're XYZ," and I realized how far I'd come. I simply had a very clear iconic image in my head, and when I found myself diverging from the path I wanted to be on, I pictured them. I'm trying to think of an iconically hopeful movie character that you could picture...
I also wonder if hope might not work for you as well as just making progress? You might try just putting one step in front of the other toward whatever goal matters to you. Try reading the book The One Thing, for example, or getting into the 4 D's of Execution. But I suppose if you wanted productivity books, you would have asked for them...
posted by slidell at 11:42 PM on August 27, 2021 [7 favorites]
I also wonder if hope might not work for you as well as just making progress? You might try just putting one step in front of the other toward whatever goal matters to you. Try reading the book The One Thing, for example, or getting into the 4 D's of Execution. But I suppose if you wanted productivity books, you would have asked for them...
posted by slidell at 11:42 PM on August 27, 2021 [7 favorites]
One thing that I've found to be important is practicing, for lack of a better term, media hygiene. Carefully evaluate what kind of stuff you are feeding your brain, from all sources: TV, social media, books, news, radio/podcasts, etc. Prune people and sources from your feeds who offer only, or mostly, negativity -- cynicism, outrage, fear, panic, conflict, predictions of doom. Look instead for sources that offer more positivity -- not naive positivity, but constructive, balanced, calm, thoughtful, long-term perspectives. And for the last hour before you go to sleep at night, don't look at any screens. Read novels instead.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:45 PM on August 27, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:45 PM on August 27, 2021 [13 favorites]
If you do choose to try psilocybin (as the Michael Pollan book above will lead you towards), don’t do it alone. Ideally, have someone experienced act as a guide.
posted by condour75 at 4:01 AM on August 28, 2021
posted by condour75 at 4:01 AM on August 28, 2021
When you think about “what if?” possibilities, force yourself to spend equal or greater amounts of time considering the possible good outcomes.
Especially, when you find yourself worrying about an upcoming situation, explicitly ask yourself, “what if it worked out? What if it happens like I hope it will?” And then spend some time imagining that future/possibility.
I don’t think it’s so much about whether you’re a hopeful person so much as, do you focus more on the good possible outcomes or the bad ones? Do you let yourself believe that what you want to happen actually will? When you’re going off on a train of thought, do you spend more time dreaming or worrying? Try to spend more time dreaming, and give yourself permission to believe that what you want to happen actually might.
posted by rue72 at 6:38 AM on August 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Especially, when you find yourself worrying about an upcoming situation, explicitly ask yourself, “what if it worked out? What if it happens like I hope it will?” And then spend some time imagining that future/possibility.
I don’t think it’s so much about whether you’re a hopeful person so much as, do you focus more on the good possible outcomes or the bad ones? Do you let yourself believe that what you want to happen actually will? When you’re going off on a train of thought, do you spend more time dreaming or worrying? Try to spend more time dreaming, and give yourself permission to believe that what you want to happen actually might.
posted by rue72 at 6:38 AM on August 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
I have spent my life trying to do this and I don't think it works. You ultimately can't trick your brain. It's like trying to convince yourself that 2+2 is 5. No matter how hard you try or how many drugs you tske, that 4 will creep back in. What has worked for me, however, is doing concrete things to improve the situations that are making me feel hopeless or despairing. There is a kind of acceptance knowing that even if things go to shit, at least you tried.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:42 AM on August 28, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:42 AM on August 28, 2021 [8 favorites]
What my therapist said when I was first diagnosed with cancer that became my mantra was “you don’t know what’s going to happen.” I use this a lot, and it’s helpful to me because it’s completely true.
I’ve always been a person who jumps to the worst-case scenario, and I’m watching this thread because I’d like to actually be more hopeful, but just acknowledging that I can’t know that things will stay the same or get worse gets me at least part of the way there. It has made dealing with cancer and other things a lot better.
posted by FencingGal at 7:36 AM on August 28, 2021 [9 favorites]
I’ve always been a person who jumps to the worst-case scenario, and I’m watching this thread because I’d like to actually be more hopeful, but just acknowledging that I can’t know that things will stay the same or get worse gets me at least part of the way there. It has made dealing with cancer and other things a lot better.
posted by FencingGal at 7:36 AM on August 28, 2021 [9 favorites]
Bear with me:
I do this experiment where I look at some random person on the street and think to myself: I bet this guy is a villain! And I imagine him cheating on his spouse and coming late to work and snarking at his coworkers and whatnot, and before my eyes he seems to morph into this evil looking dude.
And then I tell myself, maybe he's a good person! And I imagine him quietly helping an elderly neighbour and bringing his spouse their favourite flowers. And before I know it, his facial features become the ones of a careworn person with his own burdens to bear who's doing his best to be an excellent person. He looks like a good person.
It's an interesting experiment and I'm always floored how easily my mind is tricked into forming an opinion!
I like switching like that because it keeps me on my toes in how I see other people. It helps me approach people more consciously and with more freedom.
So I'm thinking maybe you could do that kind of experiment. For instance you first paint a picture of a future where you're stuck in a sucky non-job (or whatever the current concrete issue). And then you do the exact opposite. You imagine yourself, in great detail being valued at a work place, doing what you do. And the thing is, you're not allowed to scoff at the positive picture. Your negative side already got its say. Your positive one gets to speak without interruption. That doesn't mean it's going to come true! This is just a thought experiment: This is you giving room to both potential futures. Allowing positive thoughts - and thus positive things - to happen
If you find yourself resisting emotionally - cringing in disgust at the hubris of imagining yourself having a good thing - then you might want to unpack that. Maybe you feel somwhow that you don't deserve good things. That's therapy territory. But give it a try!
posted by Omnomnom at 8:14 AM on August 28, 2021 [9 favorites]
I do this experiment where I look at some random person on the street and think to myself: I bet this guy is a villain! And I imagine him cheating on his spouse and coming late to work and snarking at his coworkers and whatnot, and before my eyes he seems to morph into this evil looking dude.
And then I tell myself, maybe he's a good person! And I imagine him quietly helping an elderly neighbour and bringing his spouse their favourite flowers. And before I know it, his facial features become the ones of a careworn person with his own burdens to bear who's doing his best to be an excellent person. He looks like a good person.
It's an interesting experiment and I'm always floored how easily my mind is tricked into forming an opinion!
I like switching like that because it keeps me on my toes in how I see other people. It helps me approach people more consciously and with more freedom.
So I'm thinking maybe you could do that kind of experiment. For instance you first paint a picture of a future where you're stuck in a sucky non-job (or whatever the current concrete issue). And then you do the exact opposite. You imagine yourself, in great detail being valued at a work place, doing what you do. And the thing is, you're not allowed to scoff at the positive picture. Your negative side already got its say. Your positive one gets to speak without interruption. That doesn't mean it's going to come true! This is just a thought experiment: This is you giving room to both potential futures. Allowing positive thoughts - and thus positive things - to happen
If you find yourself resisting emotionally - cringing in disgust at the hubris of imagining yourself having a good thing - then you might want to unpack that. Maybe you feel somwhow that you don't deserve good things. That's therapy territory. But give it a try!
posted by Omnomnom at 8:14 AM on August 28, 2021 [9 favorites]
I get curious. Instead of trying to imagine the distant future where "X is just around the corner" lives, I wonder about the very near future. "Okay, I'm really interested in Y. Now Z is the smallest step I can take to see what Y is about. I wonder what will happen/ how I'll feel/ what opens up after I do Z?" Then I go find out!
Pretend you're a detective, hot on the trail of a clue. Or a mad scientist running micro experiments!
It can be so so small. "Ugh, I'm exhausted today. I wonder what happens if I drink a glass of water." Well.. did it help? Yay! If not, cool, you know a useful new thing.
posted by lloquat at 9:08 AM on August 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
Pretend you're a detective, hot on the trail of a clue. Or a mad scientist running micro experiments!
It can be so so small. "Ugh, I'm exhausted today. I wonder what happens if I drink a glass of water." Well.. did it help? Yay! If not, cool, you know a useful new thing.
posted by lloquat at 9:08 AM on August 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
It is irrational to be either a complete optimist or a complete pessimist. The best doesn't always happen, but neither does the worst. Some things happen that you can't tell what category they fall into. A lot of things are entirely outside your control. So in thinking too hard about the future, you are thinking about quite a few things that can't all happen because some of them cancel each other out.
This is true of your personal life as well as the world at large. You don't know who you'll meet tomorrow, what random event will occur that affects you, and so on.
This attitude helps me because it's not religious or spiritual, and it's freeing.
I would second the "media diet" as well, because it works. For example I'm a woman and like many women, reached adulthood feeling pretty bad about my appearance and how it wasn't good enough. I did an experiment; stop reading women's magazines. Which are full of diets, ads and "helpful hints" to overcome your presumed appearance failures.
My attitude towards myself has been better ever since because I am not constantly reading messages about the ways I might not measure up.
Similarly, news focuses on what is bad; that's what makes it news. People want to know about danger, risk, tragedy. But a steady diet of nothing but those types of stories will color your attitude to reality and make it hard to believe good things can happen.
posted by emjaybee at 9:20 AM on August 28, 2021 [6 favorites]
This is true of your personal life as well as the world at large. You don't know who you'll meet tomorrow, what random event will occur that affects you, and so on.
This attitude helps me because it's not religious or spiritual, and it's freeing.
I would second the "media diet" as well, because it works. For example I'm a woman and like many women, reached adulthood feeling pretty bad about my appearance and how it wasn't good enough. I did an experiment; stop reading women's magazines. Which are full of diets, ads and "helpful hints" to overcome your presumed appearance failures.
My attitude towards myself has been better ever since because I am not constantly reading messages about the ways I might not measure up.
Similarly, news focuses on what is bad; that's what makes it news. People want to know about danger, risk, tragedy. But a steady diet of nothing but those types of stories will color your attitude to reality and make it hard to believe good things can happen.
posted by emjaybee at 9:20 AM on August 28, 2021 [6 favorites]
This is a small one, but recently i heard this James Baldwin quote and it spoke to me (as some who also sometimes gets overwhelmed by pessimism):
“I can't be a pessimist because I am alive. To be a pessimist means that you have agreed that human life is an academic matter. So, I am forced to be an optimist. I am forced to believe that we can survive, whatever we must survive.”
I loved this quote because it pulled a reversal on me: what if instead of being a pessimist i am an optimist? Merely being alive makes me an optimist. I guess then i am allowed to have hope, even if the pessimist side of me thinks it’s dumb.
posted by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright at 9:38 AM on August 28, 2021 [14 favorites]
“I can't be a pessimist because I am alive. To be a pessimist means that you have agreed that human life is an academic matter. So, I am forced to be an optimist. I am forced to believe that we can survive, whatever we must survive.”
I loved this quote because it pulled a reversal on me: what if instead of being a pessimist i am an optimist? Merely being alive makes me an optimist. I guess then i am allowed to have hope, even if the pessimist side of me thinks it’s dumb.
posted by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright at 9:38 AM on August 28, 2021 [14 favorites]
I'm similar - just a very bleak outlook entrenched in me.
I'm going to second the Michael Pollan book - I didn't even do any psychedelics, but it makes a very convincing case that there's something else out there beyond just the observable, natural world and beyond our own lives. And that minds *can* change! And it convinced me to meditate more, which seems to help a lot.
posted by windbox at 10:09 AM on August 28, 2021
I'm going to second the Michael Pollan book - I didn't even do any psychedelics, but it makes a very convincing case that there's something else out there beyond just the observable, natural world and beyond our own lives. And that minds *can* change! And it convinced me to meditate more, which seems to help a lot.
posted by windbox at 10:09 AM on August 28, 2021
Realizing that I am believing a story, and it's just a story. That my brain will look for confirmation of any belief if I want it to be true. Thinking about what I'd like to believe instead.
And in the moment trying to just be aware that I'm using the pattern, getting into witness mode with nonjudgmental awareness. Oh look, there I go again, assuming the worst/saying unkind things about myself/ignoring evidence of positive experiences. Not trying to change it. Just becoming aware of how much I use it. Because that helps me see how this is just my brain looking for evidence to support the belief, and how I have a sense of choice in what I believe.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:26 PM on August 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
And in the moment trying to just be aware that I'm using the pattern, getting into witness mode with nonjudgmental awareness. Oh look, there I go again, assuming the worst/saying unkind things about myself/ignoring evidence of positive experiences. Not trying to change it. Just becoming aware of how much I use it. Because that helps me see how this is just my brain looking for evidence to support the belief, and how I have a sense of choice in what I believe.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:26 PM on August 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
It might sound hokey, but practicing gratitude really helps me (a fairly cynical, glass-is-half-empty person). There are a few ways to do this, you can Google it, but an easy start is to write down 3 things you are grateful for, and why, every day. They can be mundane (I am grateful for the sandwich I had for lunch because it was delicious) or not, but consistency is important. At first it will take awhile to remember/be aware of things that you are grateful for, but it should subtly change your perception and help you appreciate and enjoy certain aspects of your life more. Good luck.
posted by j810c at 1:15 PM on August 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by j810c at 1:15 PM on August 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
YMMV of course but for me, I found value in Viktor Frankl's concept of "tragic optimism" to help with oppressive negative feelings.
posted by Ashwagandha at 1:55 PM on August 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Ashwagandha at 1:55 PM on August 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
I and one of my adult children tend to have a lot depression, negativity and existential angst. Eventually after a lot of drama I started her on vitamin D and a multivitamin. A few months later, started her on magnesium (Doctor’s Best brand) and increased the vitamin D.
At the same time, I started taking the same stuff I was giving her, just to see what effect it might have. I didn’t notice an immediate change, but looking back over the past 8 months I can say with certainty that I feel so much better. I’m not trying to be more positive, I just am more positive.
As for my child, she actually had physical symptoms that diminished significantly just days after starting magnesium. Going out into the sun more over the summer really helped her physical symptoms a well. And though I can’t say for sure how she felt, she certainly appeared much more positive to me, no longer depressed whatsoever, and much more relaxed. It has honestly been years since I’ve seen her so positive and even keeled.
I’m well aware that telling people to take vitamins to help their depression and negativity sounds ridiculous. However it helped us!
posted by GliblyKronor at 8:04 PM on August 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
At the same time, I started taking the same stuff I was giving her, just to see what effect it might have. I didn’t notice an immediate change, but looking back over the past 8 months I can say with certainty that I feel so much better. I’m not trying to be more positive, I just am more positive.
As for my child, she actually had physical symptoms that diminished significantly just days after starting magnesium. Going out into the sun more over the summer really helped her physical symptoms a well. And though I can’t say for sure how she felt, she certainly appeared much more positive to me, no longer depressed whatsoever, and much more relaxed. It has honestly been years since I’ve seen her so positive and even keeled.
I’m well aware that telling people to take vitamins to help their depression and negativity sounds ridiculous. However it helped us!
posted by GliblyKronor at 8:04 PM on August 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
To extend the James Baldwin quote shared by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright, there is a full-on therapeutic approach (called Dialectical and Behaviour Therapy) which helps change the story we tell about events -- may you be fortunately free from severe illness or abuse -- stories moving from continuous-present "I am a victim" to active agency and historic distance in "despite X I am a survivor."
Habits take ages to bed in. We need to practise them in community -- despite TV shows like Survivor, no person is an island. Sometimes you won't have agency, rarely that's consequences catching up with you but more likely that's society not granting it to you in the first place, but you're still a survivor.
posted by k3ninho at 1:14 AM on August 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Habits take ages to bed in. We need to practise them in community -- despite TV shows like Survivor, no person is an island. Sometimes you won't have agency, rarely that's consequences catching up with you but more likely that's society not granting it to you in the first place, but you're still a survivor.
posted by k3ninho at 1:14 AM on August 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Two things seem to help me:
1) Do nice things for other people, even if they are small gestures. Not sure why but it always makes me more optimistic. Its something about the gratitude you receive that fosters optimism.
2) Exercise, even if they are small movements. Walking at a brisk pace for an hour has magical powers for giving me more optimism.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:22 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]
1) Do nice things for other people, even if they are small gestures. Not sure why but it always makes me more optimistic. Its something about the gratitude you receive that fosters optimism.
2) Exercise, even if they are small movements. Walking at a brisk pace for an hour has magical powers for giving me more optimism.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:22 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by firstdaffodils at 10:21 PM on August 27, 2021 [2 favorites]