Why do I go cold on the warmest people?
April 12, 2020 10:47 AM Subscribe
Psychologists and armchair counsellors of MeFi, please help me unpack this hangup I have. Other people’s kindness feels intrusive, specifically when the kindness is objectively appropriate and from my closest people.
I’ve identified a pattern in my life and I don’t know how to address it, or name it, or what steps to take next at all. Anybody have some insight?
It’s too general for me to say People’s kindness feels intrusive, but it’s something like that. It’s only some people, and they are people who seem to really see me, love me, and care for me almost unconditionally. Their care and concern, even their most small-talk-y, benign inquiries (“Are you doing anything for Easter?” “How did you sleep last night?” “Are you busy later?”) make me feel vulnerable, violated, and resentful. Also, it kind of feels controlling. In a romantic relationship, I would feel like my partner is clingy or possessive… when they ask me how I’m doing. This isn’t healthy.
I know it’s a “me” thing. I’ve spoken with friends about this, and I typically hear a lot of reassurances that the concerned party is not to blame. (“They were just trying to connect with you.” “They just want to know what’s going on in your life.” “It sounds like an innocuous conversation starter.” Et cetera.) I know the person is not to blame, but I suddenly go cold on these kind people after a prolonged-not-knowing-how-to-chill period when their questions grate on me. I go cold, and sometimes never warm up again, even a little. I’m a compassionate, empathetic person mostly but I ice people out—Maybe just a handful of people, throughout my life—a bit of a narcissistic streak or something.
I feel like this is a demonstration of a somewhat common human tendency. I mean, I feel like I can grow out of this paradigm with some self-work; I’m sure others have done so. Currently, my friend Ava left their partner Bella because Bella was acting the way I’ve described myself: Bella felt Ava was possessive or controlling in response to Ava showing a normal amount of concern.
I’ve recently stopped dating someone (like two days ago) though we were falling for each other, because their totes-benign “How’s life?” felt suffocating!
I’ve gone cold on a perfectly lovely relative, and probably a former co-worker or community member in the past.
Incidentally, I'm definitely not like this with everyone. I'm happy to share my whole self with other people; I can't really predict on whom I'll flip the switch.
What is this phenomenon and how can I stop feeling suddenly, inexplicably ice-cold? I make an effort to behave kindly, but I feel cold and, like I said, resentful, violated… It’s not their fault. They’re nice people. (Let’s see how many responses indicate that indeed, the people are nice people and it’s not their fault. Heh!) I need to stop being less dicky. I miss the closeness I felt with the people I’ve pushed away. It's my fault, it's my tragic outcome of losing people, it's a thing I want to investigate.
Thanks so much! Psychological search terms, book recos, blogs, helpful anecdotes are all very welcome. Cheers.
I’ve identified a pattern in my life and I don’t know how to address it, or name it, or what steps to take next at all. Anybody have some insight?
It’s too general for me to say People’s kindness feels intrusive, but it’s something like that. It’s only some people, and they are people who seem to really see me, love me, and care for me almost unconditionally. Their care and concern, even their most small-talk-y, benign inquiries (“Are you doing anything for Easter?” “How did you sleep last night?” “Are you busy later?”) make me feel vulnerable, violated, and resentful. Also, it kind of feels controlling. In a romantic relationship, I would feel like my partner is clingy or possessive… when they ask me how I’m doing. This isn’t healthy.
I know it’s a “me” thing. I’ve spoken with friends about this, and I typically hear a lot of reassurances that the concerned party is not to blame. (“They were just trying to connect with you.” “They just want to know what’s going on in your life.” “It sounds like an innocuous conversation starter.” Et cetera.) I know the person is not to blame, but I suddenly go cold on these kind people after a prolonged-not-knowing-how-to-chill period when their questions grate on me. I go cold, and sometimes never warm up again, even a little. I’m a compassionate, empathetic person mostly but I ice people out—Maybe just a handful of people, throughout my life—a bit of a narcissistic streak or something.
I feel like this is a demonstration of a somewhat common human tendency. I mean, I feel like I can grow out of this paradigm with some self-work; I’m sure others have done so. Currently, my friend Ava left their partner Bella because Bella was acting the way I’ve described myself: Bella felt Ava was possessive or controlling in response to Ava showing a normal amount of concern.
I’ve recently stopped dating someone (like two days ago) though we were falling for each other, because their totes-benign “How’s life?” felt suffocating!
I’ve gone cold on a perfectly lovely relative, and probably a former co-worker or community member in the past.
Incidentally, I'm definitely not like this with everyone. I'm happy to share my whole self with other people; I can't really predict on whom I'll flip the switch.
What is this phenomenon and how can I stop feeling suddenly, inexplicably ice-cold? I make an effort to behave kindly, but I feel cold and, like I said, resentful, violated… It’s not their fault. They’re nice people. (Let’s see how many responses indicate that indeed, the people are nice people and it’s not their fault. Heh!) I need to stop being less dicky. I miss the closeness I felt with the people I’ve pushed away. It's my fault, it's my tragic outcome of losing people, it's a thing I want to investigate.
Thanks so much! Psychological search terms, book recos, blogs, helpful anecdotes are all very welcome. Cheers.
Just spitballing here, but do you ever express this type of concern for others? Do you ask people how they slept, how they're feeling, etc.?
If not, is it possible you feel ashamed - as though someone showing you a kindness you never show them is casting you in a bad light? I feel this way sometimes when my husband is being Super Sensitive and I'm just like "yikes, it never occured to me to do that nice thing for him!"
I'm not positing that you should feel shame for this, only that you might.
posted by shb at 11:00 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
If not, is it possible you feel ashamed - as though someone showing you a kindness you never show them is casting you in a bad light? I feel this way sometimes when my husband is being Super Sensitive and I'm just like "yikes, it never occured to me to do that nice thing for him!"
I'm not positing that you should feel shame for this, only that you might.
posted by shb at 11:00 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I think this is because they make you afraid of losing control. Either you are afraid that their control will have a non benevolent result, or more likely just too afraid of losing control of your own emotions. It's like the person who spurns comfort, "Don't hug me or I'll cry!"
When I used to take first calls I had to time my expressions of sympathy. If you said you were sorry right off as soon as the caller said that someone had died they might break up and would lose the ability to get through the very difficult phone call. So just being matter of fact and patient with any digressions was the way to start. But it was cold not to give sympathy and not say something. So I would wait until they had asked all their questions and given all the information they wanted to and then when I was sure they were done I would thank them and add, "... and I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss." They almost always hung up on me because they could no longer talk and had begun to cry.
So my guess is that you want to be strong but don't trust yourself, and are afraid that kindness and love and support might be too tempting and if you ever gave in, you might not respect yourself or believe yourself to be strong anymore.
I remember when a friend of my sister noticed I was upset and murmured, "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." It was the worst thing she possibly could do - I needed to hear it so badly, but after that I had to hide in another room for an hour so that I could keep from crying uncontrollably. Instead of being able to stifle my feelings and go back on duty I had to sit with the misery. Wow that hurt. I could not just get back on the horse and go back to being functional after she pitched her voice low and spoke so very gently and kindly and reassuringly.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:07 AM on April 12, 2020 [32 favorites]
When I used to take first calls I had to time my expressions of sympathy. If you said you were sorry right off as soon as the caller said that someone had died they might break up and would lose the ability to get through the very difficult phone call. So just being matter of fact and patient with any digressions was the way to start. But it was cold not to give sympathy and not say something. So I would wait until they had asked all their questions and given all the information they wanted to and then when I was sure they were done I would thank them and add, "... and I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss." They almost always hung up on me because they could no longer talk and had begun to cry.
So my guess is that you want to be strong but don't trust yourself, and are afraid that kindness and love and support might be too tempting and if you ever gave in, you might not respect yourself or believe yourself to be strong anymore.
I remember when a friend of my sister noticed I was upset and murmured, "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." It was the worst thing she possibly could do - I needed to hear it so badly, but after that I had to hide in another room for an hour so that I could keep from crying uncontrollably. Instead of being able to stifle my feelings and go back on duty I had to sit with the misery. Wow that hurt. I could not just get back on the horse and go back to being functional after she pitched her voice low and spoke so very gently and kindly and reassuringly.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:07 AM on April 12, 2020 [32 favorites]
Best answer: As far as the request for terms to search, have you looked at avoidant personality disorder?
posted by michaelh at 11:09 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by michaelh at 11:09 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
For me, I come from a family where i needed to be invisible or i was going to be hurt. Things like asking me how i was doing made me decidedly uninvisable and the affection felt very dangerous to me. As an adult it took me alot of time to figure that out, that i feel way more comfortable unaknowelged and can get very unsafe vibes from kind people... Because i got alot of unwanted dangerous attention growing up.
I'm way better and this now. But it took some time to sort through my feelings and other people actions to figure out what i wanted, what i wanted to change about me and what boundaries i needed from others.
posted by AlexiaSky at 11:13 AM on April 12, 2020 [18 favorites]
I'm way better and this now. But it took some time to sort through my feelings and other people actions to figure out what i wanted, what i wanted to change about me and what boundaries i needed from others.
posted by AlexiaSky at 11:13 AM on April 12, 2020 [18 favorites]
You could have an avoidant attachment style and sense their secure attachment and panic. That is, you feel in control via distance and their natural warmth and closeness violates that sense of control.
You could have deep shame about yourself and they act as though you have nothing to feel ashamed about, which leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed like when is the other shoe gonna drop? No one is this nice!
You could at your core be a loving warm close person but were made to feel ashamed of that side of you, so when someone demonstrates it without reserve you feel angry and resentful.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:15 AM on April 12, 2020 [11 favorites]
You could have deep shame about yourself and they act as though you have nothing to feel ashamed about, which leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed like when is the other shoe gonna drop? No one is this nice!
You could at your core be a loving warm close person but were made to feel ashamed of that side of you, so when someone demonstrates it without reserve you feel angry and resentful.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:15 AM on April 12, 2020 [11 favorites]
Do you feel that you deserve their kindness and concern? Are you uncomfortable with people who you care about showing you respect because you believe they’re mistaken to do so?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:30 AM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:30 AM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Did you grow up with a judgmental family? Or a controlling one?
Do you yourself ever do these bits of kindness to others out of a motivation other than kindness?
Have you always had these reactions, or did they develop at some point?
Do you find you react this way more often in times of stress or life circumstances you're not too proud of or comfortable with?
Bonus question: What kind of reaction do you have to Mr. Rogers?
posted by trig at 11:52 AM on April 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
Do you yourself ever do these bits of kindness to others out of a motivation other than kindness?
Have you always had these reactions, or did they develop at some point?
Do you find you react this way more often in times of stress or life circumstances you're not too proud of or comfortable with?
Bonus question: What kind of reaction do you have to Mr. Rogers?
posted by trig at 11:52 AM on April 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
I relate to this. I've always disliked being asked how I am. I broke up with a boy in high school because he started every conversation "how are you?" I used to think I hated it because it was too small-talky, but then, like you, I noted that I hated it most in people who actually wanted to know the answer. What I settled on now is that I hate it, and questions like it, because they are too hard. They require me to sit and think about how I am doing and then report back on it when I may not be in the mood to do so. I feel like this: If i wanted to talk about how I am doing, I would do so without a prompt. A prompt feels demanding somehow.
I also have an issue with these questions being too general, which is part of what makes them hard. I'm not sure if you're the same way, but I am much more receptive to very specific questions of this type than I am to general ones.
posted by millipede at 1:19 PM on April 12, 2020 [9 favorites]
I also have an issue with these questions being too general, which is part of what makes them hard. I'm not sure if you're the same way, but I am much more receptive to very specific questions of this type than I am to general ones.
posted by millipede at 1:19 PM on April 12, 2020 [9 favorites]
These people, whose giving/caring/kindness feels uncomfortable to you... do they ever allow you to show the same kind of giving/caring/kindness back to them? There are some people whose entire identity is bound up in being "the nice one", and they secretly pride themselves on how super loving and caring they are, but they clam up hard if you ever try to do the same back to them. It's almost like you are stepping on their toes. And after a while you begin to sense that their caring truly is more about them and their self-image than it is about you, and it can make you feel like they are always sweetly forcing you into a less-than position with all of their care and concern. As if they are wise and kind and wonderful, but their need to see you as needy of their kindness makes you feel irritated and maybe even a bit insulted.
On the other hand, you could BE that person, who feels pride in being the giving one, and feel like you are getting your own toes stepped on.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:46 PM on April 12, 2020 [7 favorites]
On the other hand, you could BE that person, who feels pride in being the giving one, and feel like you are getting your own toes stepped on.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:46 PM on April 12, 2020 [7 favorites]
I can do something similar. A lot of it is absolutely about control. The people close to you are the ones you are most likely to be vulnerable with AND most likely to see through any platitudes you offer. So their bid for connection provokes both a fear of losing control of your emotional state, and at least for me, shame about how I seek to reassert control over myself. I don't want to lie to my friends! I don't want to get better at lying! I want to be vulnerable and connected!
But being vulnerable and connected with someone you care for is dangerous. Strangers and other folk? Less so. You've got less to lose. But with a loved one? You might...
And this is the point where you examine WHY you're afraid of being vulnerable with them, or of losing control of your emotional state. Because it is different in each situation, with each person. You might be afraid they will think less of you (very common), or that they will hurt you in some way (inadvertently or not*), or that you'll have to spend an hour getting yourself together in order to function (been there), or that it is unwelcome in some way, or a million other things.
Sometimes there is a very clear bedrock fear going on, sometimes it is very different for each situation, and sometimes it is just annoyance at the tedium. Or that they are always making you the designated patient, and not meeting you openly and honestly.
But yeah, actually going past the reaction to work out what I'm scared of has helped. And addressing ways I can act to ameliorate it, and accepting that sometimes it will hurt.
*That is my fear. Because I feel so deeply and violently betrayed when that happens, even if it's something as simple and rational as 'they didn't realise how upset I was' and so working on that has meant trying to be clearer communicating my needs, and forgiving people, and working through the hurt when it happens. It's kinda been successful.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:01 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
But being vulnerable and connected with someone you care for is dangerous. Strangers and other folk? Less so. You've got less to lose. But with a loved one? You might...
And this is the point where you examine WHY you're afraid of being vulnerable with them, or of losing control of your emotional state. Because it is different in each situation, with each person. You might be afraid they will think less of you (very common), or that they will hurt you in some way (inadvertently or not*), or that you'll have to spend an hour getting yourself together in order to function (been there), or that it is unwelcome in some way, or a million other things.
Sometimes there is a very clear bedrock fear going on, sometimes it is very different for each situation, and sometimes it is just annoyance at the tedium. Or that they are always making you the designated patient, and not meeting you openly and honestly.
But yeah, actually going past the reaction to work out what I'm scared of has helped. And addressing ways I can act to ameliorate it, and accepting that sometimes it will hurt.
*That is my fear. Because I feel so deeply and violently betrayed when that happens, even if it's something as simple and rational as 'they didn't realise how upset I was' and so working on that has meant trying to be clearer communicating my needs, and forgiving people, and working through the hurt when it happens. It's kinda been successful.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:01 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
Look into avoidant attachment.
posted by bearette at 2:04 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by bearette at 2:04 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have this reaction to people sometimes. (Just some people, not everyone. I can't figure out the pattern there.) And it can be very intense. Like to the point that I just don't want to see the person again. These aren't tangental people I'm talking about. These are real, true friends. My dear friend 'Mary' is one. I pulled a muscle and had a limp for several weeks. Mary would ask about my limp every time I saw her. It made me want to throttle her. But we're still friends. I powered through it by talking about it with my fiancee. Just putting voice to it with someone I trust implicitly really helped, especially because he has the exact same reaction to being asked about a physical issue. So, he got it.
I've never really given much thought to why I have this reaction. Your question and the responses it's elicited have me looking at my shitty childhood with a loud, unpredictable, insulting alcoholic. For me, shame, particularly the shame that comes with feeling different or damaged, is triggered by someone acting like there's any reason to feel sorry for me. I cannot have that. It sends me right back to childhood when I was trying so hard to act like everything in my life was normal.
posted by MissPitts at 2:24 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
I've never really given much thought to why I have this reaction. Your question and the responses it's elicited have me looking at my shitty childhood with a loud, unpredictable, insulting alcoholic. For me, shame, particularly the shame that comes with feeling different or damaged, is triggered by someone acting like there's any reason to feel sorry for me. I cannot have that. It sends me right back to childhood when I was trying so hard to act like everything in my life was normal.
posted by MissPitts at 2:24 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
I can sometimes feel a bit defensive if someone comes across as too friendly, mostly becuse I get the sense that they are the one who is defining the terms of our relationship, and detracting from my agency in the interaction.
posted by ovvl at 2:41 PM on April 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by ovvl at 2:41 PM on April 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
This used to be me. For me, it was usually an "I don't need any help! I am fine and strong and don't need your concern! Trust me that I can handle this, and go away!" sort of internal reaction. This would sometimes even spiral to not acknowledging even to myself when I was sick or injured, or that some other bad situation (plumbing leak, financial issue, administrative issue with college credits, whatever) existed, because then others would know, and then I'd have to deal with their concern.
Control was tied to that for me, because I felt like I needed to have things under control, and worried that if I had to talk to anyone else about it, they'd try to offer advice or ask questions that would imply I didn't.
Other times, it was more like their concern became my burden. Depending on the situation, either the burden to reassure them I was fine, or the burden to be more vulnerable than I wanted to with them or at the moment, or the burden to display the same concern for them when I didn't feel it or didn't have the mental capacity to do so when I was dealing with my own stuff.
Therapy helped me, a lot. With the first part, it helped me be OK with needing help. With the second part, it helped me be OK with setting boundaries around engaging.
posted by rhiannonstone at 2:44 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Control was tied to that for me, because I felt like I needed to have things under control, and worried that if I had to talk to anyone else about it, they'd try to offer advice or ask questions that would imply I didn't.
Other times, it was more like their concern became my burden. Depending on the situation, either the burden to reassure them I was fine, or the burden to be more vulnerable than I wanted to with them or at the moment, or the burden to display the same concern for them when I didn't feel it or didn't have the mental capacity to do so when I was dealing with my own stuff.
Therapy helped me, a lot. With the first part, it helped me be OK with needing help. With the second part, it helped me be OK with setting boundaries around engaging.
posted by rhiannonstone at 2:44 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to go cold at most personal inquiries.. sometimes becoming incensed at the superficiality and banality of such questions. For me, I believe it was a matter of insecurity. My ego was big, and looking back now, fragile... and certain kindnesses threatened it, so I would emotionally react by circling the wagons. My inner responses ranged from 'you actually don't care about what you're asking' and 'how dare you inquire about something so personal?' and 'leave me alone.'
After working on myself and becoming more secure, present and confident did I 'open up' to people... and could engage them. If they ARE being superficial... hey... that's their vibe. Not mine. If they care enough to ask... then hey... I'll share to the point I'm comfortable. Either way... or come whatever (actual rudeness even) I'm generally too grounded to be intruded upon by people...I've got my own thing going on.
(Also, if I feel people are being insincere with me.. I try not to take offense, but to empathetically explore why maybe they are behaving like that.)
(Also - I used to HATE the question 'how ya doing?' - but now I realize it's just an easy way for people to say 'hi' and try to connect on some level... which is cool ... but they generally don't want to know how I'm actually doing etc... and THAT'S OK)
A great book that analyzes and deconstructs the ego is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.
posted by mrmarley at 3:20 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
After working on myself and becoming more secure, present and confident did I 'open up' to people... and could engage them. If they ARE being superficial... hey... that's their vibe. Not mine. If they care enough to ask... then hey... I'll share to the point I'm comfortable. Either way... or come whatever (actual rudeness even) I'm generally too grounded to be intruded upon by people...I've got my own thing going on.
(Also, if I feel people are being insincere with me.. I try not to take offense, but to empathetically explore why maybe they are behaving like that.)
(Also - I used to HATE the question 'how ya doing?' - but now I realize it's just an easy way for people to say 'hi' and try to connect on some level... which is cool ... but they generally don't want to know how I'm actually doing etc... and THAT'S OK)
A great book that analyzes and deconstructs the ego is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.
posted by mrmarley at 3:20 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
You’re worried your answers to those kinds of questions might be judged negatively.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:47 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:47 PM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think avoidant attachment could be part of this. I also wonder if some part of you feels like you don’t deserve people’s concerns, that you’re not good enough.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yep, it's usually about control, maintaining your sense of it, and feeling like others are trying to pry. As someone who knows my own issues around this came from parental care, I was a bit surprised you didn't mention anything about parents when asking for armchair psychotherapy.
One thing I learned in therapy was that it's absolutely ok to say, "fine!" or "kind of rough right now, I don't want to talk about it, tell me what's new with you" with your closest people (the first for those who would pry if you said the second, the second for the healthier people in your life).
I know it's tough to find a therapist (at least in person) at the moment, so you might try journaling, asking yourself some questions about what in your past shaped you this way, and how you could respond in less avoidant, less dicky ways. It's tough work, and having a professional really helps, but it's worth starting the work yourself so you don't push people away forever.
posted by ldthomps at 7:55 PM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
One thing I learned in therapy was that it's absolutely ok to say, "fine!" or "kind of rough right now, I don't want to talk about it, tell me what's new with you" with your closest people (the first for those who would pry if you said the second, the second for the healthier people in your life).
I know it's tough to find a therapist (at least in person) at the moment, so you might try journaling, asking yourself some questions about what in your past shaped you this way, and how you could respond in less avoidant, less dicky ways. It's tough work, and having a professional really helps, but it's worth starting the work yourself so you don't push people away forever.
posted by ldthomps at 7:55 PM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
To add, this is a great job for scripts. I don't mean fully worked up well written things, just...familiar ways to shorthand stuff. My best friend and I have a complicated language of scripts to be able to say 'bad but no talky' or 'okay but there is stuff' or 'bad and I need some help to talk it out'. It's developed over a few really rough years, and is a bizarre mix of meme references, mangling each other's names, use of caps/italics, and liberal application of cat gifs to represent oneself or the other or the situation.
He checked in on me the other day with a gif of a very tiny very angry kitten captioned 'is this you'. It is functionally the exact same for us as 'hey I know you're going through some emotional shit, are you okay, do you need to talk, I love you'. Just. Y'know. An angry kitten.
But we only developed those scripts because we are both not neurotypical (but not autistic) and have been willing to be vulnerable. Which includes the occasional 'ahhhhh feeling smothered' conversation, or brief distance from each other. And in our case a lot of reassurance about not being a bother, not judging each other, still friends, even if we aren't talking for hours every day.
posted by geek anachronism at 12:45 AM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
He checked in on me the other day with a gif of a very tiny very angry kitten captioned 'is this you'. It is functionally the exact same for us as 'hey I know you're going through some emotional shit, are you okay, do you need to talk, I love you'. Just. Y'know. An angry kitten.
But we only developed those scripts because we are both not neurotypical (but not autistic) and have been willing to be vulnerable. Which includes the occasional 'ahhhhh feeling smothered' conversation, or brief distance from each other. And in our case a lot of reassurance about not being a bother, not judging each other, still friends, even if we aren't talking for hours every day.
posted by geek anachronism at 12:45 AM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
From a psychospiritual perspective, everyone's truest desire is to be loved and greatest fear is that it is not possible. There is a potential that the process of connection for you is tinged with an unconscious fear that you're undeserving of the love being offered, and that even if it is offered, you are not capable of receiving or returning it, which makes you feel angry and resentful, and rejecting of the love that forces you to feel this fear.
But this may not apply to you personally. Just a general pattern floating out there.
posted by namesarehard at 6:31 PM on April 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
But this may not apply to you personally. Just a general pattern floating out there.
posted by namesarehard at 6:31 PM on April 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have felt this way! I think for me it is because a lot of times when people, including close friends, are solicitous about me ("how are you doing?" "how are you feeling?") it opens up the possibility of me being vulnerable around them (e.g. were I to answer "Not that great to be honest"); and I am not always certain if I want to be vulnerable around everyone who asks me questions like this.
I particularly react badly to a certain form of highly solicitous, almost parental question-asking style which makes me feel like they are positioning themselves as a sort of benevolent authority/parental type and me in turn in the position of a child-figure. Could this be what you're sensing and reacting against? I'm not saying that these people are deliberately engaging in some sort of covert, malicious power play with you - just sometimes that is how we end up interpreting such overtures, perhaps because of the way they couch their sentiments, or how we have experienced care and expressions of care in our childhood. As a child, I was cared for by my parents but rarely cosseted/"babied", and as an adult, I now feel uncomfortable and infantilised when people behave in ways that I interpret as cosseting.
I did think for a while that maybe I had some kind of avoidant attachment thing going on. That may be the case. But I am honest and vulnerable with many of my closest friends and connections, so it doesn't quite square up with that.
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:33 AM on April 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
I particularly react badly to a certain form of highly solicitous, almost parental question-asking style which makes me feel like they are positioning themselves as a sort of benevolent authority/parental type and me in turn in the position of a child-figure. Could this be what you're sensing and reacting against? I'm not saying that these people are deliberately engaging in some sort of covert, malicious power play with you - just sometimes that is how we end up interpreting such overtures, perhaps because of the way they couch their sentiments, or how we have experienced care and expressions of care in our childhood. As a child, I was cared for by my parents but rarely cosseted/"babied", and as an adult, I now feel uncomfortable and infantilised when people behave in ways that I interpret as cosseting.
I did think for a while that maybe I had some kind of avoidant attachment thing going on. That may be the case. But I am honest and vulnerable with many of my closest friends and connections, so it doesn't quite square up with that.
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:33 AM on April 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
You say "It’s not their fault. They’re nice people." And I'm sure that's true! But you are not required to be in an intimate relationship (especially a romantic relationship!) with someone just because they are nice/kind/warm. It might just be that you don't mesh well with these people on a deeper level, and that's ok. Maybe it feels like they are trying to forge a level of intimacy that you just don't want?
If you were like this with everyone who tried to be intimate and warm with you, that would be one thing. But it sounds like it's just a select group of specific people. Maybe those people just aren't for you.
I am like this sometimes, and like you, it's just with specific people. I've talked about this with my therapist, and we've come to the conclusion that this is my way of having boundaries around who I feel comfortable being close with. I do make an effort to be as kind as I can, which is maybe something for you to work on. But honestly, even just giving myself the space to NOT want to be emotionally intimate helped a lot and has allowed me to be more gracious about it.
posted by lunasol at 12:27 PM on April 14, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you were like this with everyone who tried to be intimate and warm with you, that would be one thing. But it sounds like it's just a select group of specific people. Maybe those people just aren't for you.
I am like this sometimes, and like you, it's just with specific people. I've talked about this with my therapist, and we've come to the conclusion that this is my way of having boundaries around who I feel comfortable being close with. I do make an effort to be as kind as I can, which is maybe something for you to work on. But honestly, even just giving myself the space to NOT want to be emotionally intimate helped a lot and has allowed me to be more gracious about it.
posted by lunasol at 12:27 PM on April 14, 2020 [2 favorites]
IANYT. This sounds like a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Lots of people have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. It doesn't mean you have an illness, like avoidant personality disorder. It does mean you have certain challenges in developing close and meaningful relationships that other people don't have to contend with. It's something that therapists who are skilled in attachment work will be able to help you with. If you are interested in working on this, find a therapist with this skillset, and ask them how they approach this type of issue. You'll know when you hear a style/strategy that "fits" for you.
posted by unstrungharp at 4:32 PM on April 14, 2020
posted by unstrungharp at 4:32 PM on April 14, 2020
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Is it OK that I'm asking you all these questions?
posted by Obscure Reference at 11:00 AM on April 12, 2020 [12 favorites]