In Search of Self
July 11, 2021 2:17 PM Subscribe
Do you have any anecdotes or information regarding the constant desire to investigate the self? I would like to stop exploring my psyche.
Ever since I can remember I have been invested in exploring my psyche. When I was young it was the self-help section. As I've grown older it involves psychology journals, Youtube videos that are hosted by clinical psychologists, personality archetypes, fears and motivations, ego structures, family-of-origin stories, trauma, spirituality -- Zen Buddhism lite, etc.
Generally, I want to know what makes me tick -- why I am the way I am. I want to know what prevents me from living a "full life". I seek new information to understand and I seek in order to repair myself or to know myself. I like being self-aware and I am introspective. It's as if I'm never satisfied and must uncover another blind spot or maladaptive behavior. I can think about my psychology or the behavior or psychology of others a lot. I am not sure how good I am at analyzing myself because I probably have so many blind spots that it's impossible to know who I am.
I am not trying to be "happy". I am mostly a happy and optimistic person. Most of the time I can even feel content. I think I might seek as a stress response. I understand that people who feel like they have a loose sense of identity or a poor sense of belonging will seek to uncover "who they are" -- and this is likely what's happening in my case. Yet, I mostly don't care if I have a strong sense of identity or who I am and nowadays I do feel like I belong although I am unsure about how likable I am and that's one of my insecurities -- do people like me? I am happy when people like me. I think I seek because I want to behave more authentically and more maturely and know why I get triggered. And when I am upset I can attempt to analyze other people. If I have a poor interaction or if I get triggered, my default can be to investigate my behavior and the behavior of others instead of letting it go as normal human stuff. It's almost like I must fix this so it doesn't happen again but it happens again.
I think it would be fine if I liked to read about psychology in the general sense since there is nothing problematic with this interest. However my motivation is to figure something out about myself. I would like to stop. I don't engage in some of my hobbies because I've gone down a rabbit hole of psychology stuff or thinking about myself and it's as if I can never scratch the itch.
My questions: Do you know why I might have this habit? I am well into adulthood and I don't think I need to seek at this level and it hasn't brought about any profound growth. Sometimes I think I am afraid to stop because I don't want to stop "growing" or understanding myself or others. I don't think I have reached my full potential as a mature human being. It's not obsessive but it's a habit.
Thanks for any advice.
Ever since I can remember I have been invested in exploring my psyche. When I was young it was the self-help section. As I've grown older it involves psychology journals, Youtube videos that are hosted by clinical psychologists, personality archetypes, fears and motivations, ego structures, family-of-origin stories, trauma, spirituality -- Zen Buddhism lite, etc.
Generally, I want to know what makes me tick -- why I am the way I am. I want to know what prevents me from living a "full life". I seek new information to understand and I seek in order to repair myself or to know myself. I like being self-aware and I am introspective. It's as if I'm never satisfied and must uncover another blind spot or maladaptive behavior. I can think about my psychology or the behavior or psychology of others a lot. I am not sure how good I am at analyzing myself because I probably have so many blind spots that it's impossible to know who I am.
I am not trying to be "happy". I am mostly a happy and optimistic person. Most of the time I can even feel content. I think I might seek as a stress response. I understand that people who feel like they have a loose sense of identity or a poor sense of belonging will seek to uncover "who they are" -- and this is likely what's happening in my case. Yet, I mostly don't care if I have a strong sense of identity or who I am and nowadays I do feel like I belong although I am unsure about how likable I am and that's one of my insecurities -- do people like me? I am happy when people like me. I think I seek because I want to behave more authentically and more maturely and know why I get triggered. And when I am upset I can attempt to analyze other people. If I have a poor interaction or if I get triggered, my default can be to investigate my behavior and the behavior of others instead of letting it go as normal human stuff. It's almost like I must fix this so it doesn't happen again but it happens again.
I think it would be fine if I liked to read about psychology in the general sense since there is nothing problematic with this interest. However my motivation is to figure something out about myself. I would like to stop. I don't engage in some of my hobbies because I've gone down a rabbit hole of psychology stuff or thinking about myself and it's as if I can never scratch the itch.
My questions: Do you know why I might have this habit? I am well into adulthood and I don't think I need to seek at this level and it hasn't brought about any profound growth. Sometimes I think I am afraid to stop because I don't want to stop "growing" or understanding myself or others. I don't think I have reached my full potential as a mature human being. It's not obsessive but it's a habit.
Thanks for any advice.
A number of years ago I saved links to these two related Psychology Today articles on self-absorption (yes, I know you said you've gone down the psych rabbit holes but at least these seem targeted to your question):
Article 1 and Article 2
posted by forthright at 2:56 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Article 1 and Article 2
posted by forthright at 2:56 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
You sound anxious. Have you tried looking at some self-help resources for addressing anxious thought patterns, or looked at discussing this with a therapist or psychiatrist?
posted by tivalasvegas at 3:13 PM on July 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by tivalasvegas at 3:13 PM on July 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
I relate to this. One thing that helped me immensely was learning useful tools, models, terms and the like. I got to a point where I became tired of applying these inwardly. I started expanding my awareness to others, first to those around me, which helped me understand people and dynamics in my immediate sphere. Then gradually I expanded the application of these skills outward, noticing all sorts of people and phenomenon, how things work and how people relate to each other. Nowadays, it's what I do as a fulfilling career.
Basically, I found a way to take this endless rumination and overthinking and turn it into a superpower. I'm not saying that's what you're destined to do, but there may be ways to turn this ability around into something more useful and rewarding to you.
Sometimes when we resist something, or don't want to do something, it's not actually that we want to get rid of the behaviour or habit altogether. It could be that we don't like the way it's serving us. That's a much easier change.
See what's it's like for you if you accept that you have this interest. Imagine that it may always be there in some form and that's ok. How might that be true? Now what might you do with it? What ways could this strength of reflection and awareness serve you better?
Ok, so that's the more general response. But there's another part to this, which is that it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of internal disagreement at present. It might be easier to spot the internal conflicts if I cut and rearrange some of your sentences – I'm not trying to twist your words, I'm simply reflecting back in a different order to allow you to see what you've said in a new way. It may change the meaning in some ways and that's ok. Here goes:
posted by iamkimiam at 3:18 PM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
Basically, I found a way to take this endless rumination and overthinking and turn it into a superpower. I'm not saying that's what you're destined to do, but there may be ways to turn this ability around into something more useful and rewarding to you.
Sometimes when we resist something, or don't want to do something, it's not actually that we want to get rid of the behaviour or habit altogether. It could be that we don't like the way it's serving us. That's a much easier change.
See what's it's like for you if you accept that you have this interest. Imagine that it may always be there in some form and that's ok. How might that be true? Now what might you do with it? What ways could this strength of reflection and awareness serve you better?
Ok, so that's the more general response. But there's another part to this, which is that it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of internal disagreement at present. It might be easier to spot the internal conflicts if I cut and rearrange some of your sentences – I'm not trying to twist your words, I'm simply reflecting back in a different order to allow you to see what you've said in a new way. It may change the meaning in some ways and that's ok. Here goes:
- Ever since I can remember I have been invested in exploring my psyche.
- I want to know what makes me tick -- why I am the way I am.
- I seek new information to understand and I seek in order to repair myself or to know myself.
- I like being self-aware
- I am introspective.
- I can think about my psychology or the behavior or psychology of others a lot.
- I am mostly a happy and optimistic person.
- I do feel like I belong
- I am happy when people like me.
- I want to behave more authentically and more maturely and know why I get triggered.
- I don't want to stop "growing" or understanding myself or others.
- it would be fine if I liked to read about psychology in the general sense
- there is nothing problematic with this interest (reading psychology)
- my motivation is to figure something out about myself.
- I want to know what prevents me from living a "full life".
- It's as if I'm never satisfied and must uncover another blind spot or maladaptive behavior.
- I am not sure how good I am at analyzing myself
- I probably have so many blind spots that it's impossible to know who I am.
- I am not trying to be "happy".
- I mostly don't care if I have a strong sense of identity or who I am
- I think I might seek as a stress response.
- I understand that people who feel like they have a loose sense of identity or a poor sense of belonging will seek to uncover "who they are" -- and this is likely what's happening in my case.
- I am unsure about how likable I am and that's one of my insecurities
- When I am upset I can attempt to analyze other people.
- If I have a poor interaction or if I get triggered, my default can be to investigate my behavior and the behavior of others instead of letting it go.
- I must fix this so it doesn't happen again but it happens again.
- I can never scratch the itch.
- I am well into adulthood and I don't think I need to seek at this level
- [Seeking] hasn't brought about any profound growth.
- I don't think I have reached my full potential as a mature human being.
- I would like to stop (this interest in psychology)
- I think I am afraid to stop
- I don't engage in some of my hobbies because I've gone down a rabbit hole of psychology stuff or thinking about myself
- It's not obsessive but it's a habit.
- Which of these thoughts are serving me well?
- Which of these thoughts are true for me right now?
- Which of these thoughts are limiting beliefs? Or are preventing my growth in some way?
posted by iamkimiam at 3:18 PM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
Oh, addendum answer:
Rather than a beeline to self-absorption (and perhaps it may be - it's unclear) - people fall into lapses of introspection/self-evaluation, after traumatizing events all of the time. A critical experience can cause long-term periods of re-evaluation or phases of anxiety/fear (often in relation to the unknown). I believe the idea is, if the person has an actualized sense of themselves, they have a sense of direction.
Without a whole sense of concept or deep understanding (sometimes caused or fractured by a serious life changing event), the person can experience struggles in moving forward or self-guidance.
This was actually somewhat answered in another question here: The process is related to the basal ganglia/limbic system. It's sort of an off-shoot to people who seem to only maintain self-referential conversation or activities. They aren't necessarily naturally self-absorbed, they are semi-permanently paused in a neurological feedback loop that doesn't allow external thought. It also happens to people in isolated circumstances: It wouldn't at all surprise if the experience is more common (/pandemic related, mass trauma) at the moment.
Psychedelic therapy is a recommendation for this. Or just lifestyle changes.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
Rather than a beeline to self-absorption (and perhaps it may be - it's unclear) - people fall into lapses of introspection/self-evaluation, after traumatizing events all of the time. A critical experience can cause long-term periods of re-evaluation or phases of anxiety/fear (often in relation to the unknown). I believe the idea is, if the person has an actualized sense of themselves, they have a sense of direction.
Without a whole sense of concept or deep understanding (sometimes caused or fractured by a serious life changing event), the person can experience struggles in moving forward or self-guidance.
This was actually somewhat answered in another question here: The process is related to the basal ganglia/limbic system. It's sort of an off-shoot to people who seem to only maintain self-referential conversation or activities. They aren't necessarily naturally self-absorbed, they are semi-permanently paused in a neurological feedback loop that doesn't allow external thought. It also happens to people in isolated circumstances: It wouldn't at all surprise if the experience is more common (/pandemic related, mass trauma) at the moment.
Psychedelic therapy is a recommendation for this. Or just lifestyle changes.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
If one is inclined towards self-absorption, it takes work to change that. Anecdote:
As a (depressed) teenager, all I ever did in my journals was analyze myself. Then one day, I realized how very dull indeed such a practice was. I looked at my journals to see my memories, only to find endless self-analytical tedium. No, such writing does not stay interesting. To anyone.
What I did: switch from self-analysis and, instead, start writing down things that happened in the world around me. My journals are much more interesting from that point forward. Engage with the outside world. Take an interest. It will cut a lot down on a lot of the chatter in your brain.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2021 [18 favorites]
As a (depressed) teenager, all I ever did in my journals was analyze myself. Then one day, I realized how very dull indeed such a practice was. I looked at my journals to see my memories, only to find endless self-analytical tedium. No, such writing does not stay interesting. To anyone.
What I did: switch from self-analysis and, instead, start writing down things that happened in the world around me. My journals are much more interesting from that point forward. Engage with the outside world. Take an interest. It will cut a lot down on a lot of the chatter in your brain.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2021 [18 favorites]
What you're describing sounds to me like rumination, which for me seems to be triggered by anxiety or depression. I feel discomfort and I am compelled to address the discomfort by trying to fix whatever is causing it. (It's just taken me a long time to realize that).
What helps most is finding an activity that fully engages me. I don't recommend it, but once I was incredibly anxious about something upsetting that had recently happened, and couldn't stop thinking about it. I went hiking with a friend and we got lost in on the trail after dark - this gave my brain an immediate, solvable problem to work on and until we got out of the woods I had a break from ruminating.
I don't actually recommend getting lost in the woods but being in nature, challenging work projects, and boxing all seem to help me. Therapy has been less helpful on this specific issue but I'm going to try again anyway.
posted by bunderful at 3:20 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
What helps most is finding an activity that fully engages me. I don't recommend it, but once I was incredibly anxious about something upsetting that had recently happened, and couldn't stop thinking about it. I went hiking with a friend and we got lost in on the trail after dark - this gave my brain an immediate, solvable problem to work on and until we got out of the woods I had a break from ruminating.
I don't actually recommend getting lost in the woods but being in nature, challenging work projects, and boxing all seem to help me. Therapy has been less helpful on this specific issue but I'm going to try again anyway.
posted by bunderful at 3:20 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
Major empathy! I echo the advice to make some practical shifts in other habits. If you currently spend your leisure time on introspection, can you shift your leisure time to activities that preclude introspection? Movement is incredibly helpful for me in this way: yoga, dancing, hiking, roller skating, gardening, all are ways for me to enter a flow state where my mind just doesn’t dwell on my issues or try to problem-solve. They help me to be present, to be ME, right now. Exercise, low-stakes physical/emotional connection with others, and time spent outdoors are also substantive parts of a complete breakfast for staving off depression and anxiety, which definitely contribute to my own rumination about Who I Am and How I Could Be Better. Sending you care!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:34 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:34 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
"What helps most is finding an activity that fully engages me"
Specifically, engages you in a way that you deprioritize your self-thinking instinctually. Usually that involves some sort of fairly serious not-dying challenge, like getting lost in the woods after dark. For me, a lot of times it's riding my bike in traffic. You have to be incredibly focused to avoid being hit by cars. There's just no time to think about "exploring your psyche". Your mind won't even let you, because it realizes how important it is to concentrate on traffic and riding. Other activities that have given me the same focus/distraction (depending on how you look at it) are skiing, swimming, and climbing in a bouldering gym. If you're not an experienced skater, ice skating would probably also do it.
The key thing about this is that your brain is not just engaged while you're doing the activity. It stays focused even after you're done. Back when I commuted by bike sometimes, the days I rode to work were almost always the most productive days I ever had. I had that intense focus experience (about half of my commute was on a busy 45mph arterial road) early on, and the afterglow lasted most of the day.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:15 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Specifically, engages you in a way that you deprioritize your self-thinking instinctually. Usually that involves some sort of fairly serious not-dying challenge, like getting lost in the woods after dark. For me, a lot of times it's riding my bike in traffic. You have to be incredibly focused to avoid being hit by cars. There's just no time to think about "exploring your psyche". Your mind won't even let you, because it realizes how important it is to concentrate on traffic and riding. Other activities that have given me the same focus/distraction (depending on how you look at it) are skiing, swimming, and climbing in a bouldering gym. If you're not an experienced skater, ice skating would probably also do it.
The key thing about this is that your brain is not just engaged while you're doing the activity. It stays focused even after you're done. Back when I commuted by bike sometimes, the days I rode to work were almost always the most productive days I ever had. I had that intense focus experience (about half of my commute was on a busy 45mph arterial road) early on, and the afterglow lasted most of the day.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:15 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
The problem is that understanding is not actually the same as solving. You ask "why do I do this?" When you would rather be asking "how can I stop doing this?"
The reasons we do things are often quite boring. Habit. Reflex. Knowing that your skin is irritated from habitual scratching at it and that's why it itches doesn't make it not itch and doesn't stop you absentmindedly scratching - you need to replace the habit with other things, and make it harder to go the automatic route.
When you find yourself getting lost in thinking about yourself, stop and think about someone else instead. It really does help.
posted by Lady Li at 8:03 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
The reasons we do things are often quite boring. Habit. Reflex. Knowing that your skin is irritated from habitual scratching at it and that's why it itches doesn't make it not itch and doesn't stop you absentmindedly scratching - you need to replace the habit with other things, and make it harder to go the automatic route.
When you find yourself getting lost in thinking about yourself, stop and think about someone else instead. It really does help.
posted by Lady Li at 8:03 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
It’s not a bad thing to want to be self actualized. Just, that we use the right tools and techniques so we don’t get derailed by rumination.
The ego likes to solve problems. Trying to figure out an unsolvable problem like “what am I really?” is a good one. Because, “who” is looking depends on the frame of mind at the time, so subject and object are constantly shifting around. No true answer yet it feels like there should be a true answer so you keep trying.
Plus some low self esteem thrown in… that there is some kind of ideal way to be, that somehow “I” can be fixed if only I find the one true answer to the problem of what I am.
So… make friends with your shadow. Love and accept yourself as you are. There’s nothing to change or polish or make better. And find others interesting. Get more joy out of helping others with real problems.
Then, the interesting problem becomes, what sends me out of this open and loving state back to selfishness and defensiveness?
Side note: you may enjoy Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young. He has great books on investigating the nature of selfhood.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:37 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
The ego likes to solve problems. Trying to figure out an unsolvable problem like “what am I really?” is a good one. Because, “who” is looking depends on the frame of mind at the time, so subject and object are constantly shifting around. No true answer yet it feels like there should be a true answer so you keep trying.
Plus some low self esteem thrown in… that there is some kind of ideal way to be, that somehow “I” can be fixed if only I find the one true answer to the problem of what I am.
So… make friends with your shadow. Love and accept yourself as you are. There’s nothing to change or polish or make better. And find others interesting. Get more joy out of helping others with real problems.
Then, the interesting problem becomes, what sends me out of this open and loving state back to selfishness and defensiveness?
Side note: you may enjoy Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young. He has great books on investigating the nature of selfhood.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:37 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
Coming in at an angle, something that has helped me be more content is recognizing how much of the "self" I am searching for is actually shitty men in board rooms marketing me "optimized life" as part of shitty misogynist late capitalism. In particular, the writing of Jia Tolentino and Anne-Helen Petersen.
posted by athirstforsalt at 2:34 AM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by athirstforsalt at 2:34 AM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
I love iamkimiam's response! But wanted to add that some (like Jung, who you've surely come across in your psyche-spelunking) say the search for Self is the reason we're here. I've been going down that particular rabbit hole since my teenage years and now (in my late 30s) I'm seeing how that's exactly what I was meant to be doing. Just check in and make sure it isn't "society" or "culture" telling you that seeking yourself (also could be framed as "seeking God") is the wrong way to spend a life.
Even my endless journal ruminations... they were never meant for anyone but me, and I find them to be really nourishing. Especially when I identify the bursts of Self in 14-year-old me, who was so adrift for the most part, but with flashes of insight.
Oh, and I'm not sure how young/old you are, but I'd also add that I HATED being this way in my 20s, because it's hard to make money when your top skill is self-rumination. But it can be transmuted to art, interpersonal relationships, and much, much more.
posted by gold bridges at 9:52 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Even my endless journal ruminations... they were never meant for anyone but me, and I find them to be really nourishing. Especially when I identify the bursts of Self in 14-year-old me, who was so adrift for the most part, but with flashes of insight.
Oh, and I'm not sure how young/old you are, but I'd also add that I HATED being this way in my 20s, because it's hard to make money when your top skill is self-rumination. But it can be transmuted to art, interpersonal relationships, and much, much more.
posted by gold bridges at 9:52 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
This is a tough one to answer because I think I do the same things. I love reading psychology and self help books and journaling and reflecting on my feelings and thoughts. To some degree I think these types of things can be very healthy, and probably what a psychologist would recommend you to do. But I can see how you eventually come to think of it as running around in circles trying to change things but never seeing any results.
For myself, I think I intellectually gain some kind of pleasure from feeling a sense of understanding. There's a deep pleasure in reading about personality and various psychological theories and research projects and seeing yourself in them. It's interesting and satisfying to understand yourself, and it helps you feel like you understand human nature a bit better too.
If you want to change certain aspects of your behaviour, it will take more than reading and journaling to accomplish that. Understanding doesn't equal change. For me, the only real solution here is acceptance. For example I used to hate the fact that I get overwhelmed easily in large groups because it made me feel like I was socially inept. Once I accepted the fact that that's just how I physiologically respond in big loud groups, and that I can't change it, I just learned to pursue social opportunities that were more fulfilling to me. I think the understanding you have gained from your delving into psychology can be made useful if you try to practice more acceptance of those behaviours you have come to repeat. To a certain extent, a lot of our personalities is pre determined by both genetics and upbringing. Once you can see your own foibles, you can accept them, and find strategies to manage them, rather than thinking you are going to change them. I have found that most of those strategies seem to revolve around learning to practice effective communication, so maybe that is one goal you could set for yourself.
posted by winterportage at 12:09 PM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
For myself, I think I intellectually gain some kind of pleasure from feeling a sense of understanding. There's a deep pleasure in reading about personality and various psychological theories and research projects and seeing yourself in them. It's interesting and satisfying to understand yourself, and it helps you feel like you understand human nature a bit better too.
If you want to change certain aspects of your behaviour, it will take more than reading and journaling to accomplish that. Understanding doesn't equal change. For me, the only real solution here is acceptance. For example I used to hate the fact that I get overwhelmed easily in large groups because it made me feel like I was socially inept. Once I accepted the fact that that's just how I physiologically respond in big loud groups, and that I can't change it, I just learned to pursue social opportunities that were more fulfilling to me. I think the understanding you have gained from your delving into psychology can be made useful if you try to practice more acceptance of those behaviours you have come to repeat. To a certain extent, a lot of our personalities is pre determined by both genetics and upbringing. Once you can see your own foibles, you can accept them, and find strategies to manage them, rather than thinking you are going to change them. I have found that most of those strategies seem to revolve around learning to practice effective communication, so maybe that is one goal you could set for yourself.
posted by winterportage at 12:09 PM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Great answers above.
However... I wanted to add that I have also done this my whole life, and it turned out I just last year figured out that I want to be a therapist!
Now I am studying to qualify, and writing whole essays on self-reflection.
So! Maybe this is pointing you toward a potential career?
posted by greenish at 12:46 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
However... I wanted to add that I have also done this my whole life, and it turned out I just last year figured out that I want to be a therapist!
Now I am studying to qualify, and writing whole essays on self-reflection.
So! Maybe this is pointing you toward a potential career?
posted by greenish at 12:46 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Not to give advice that accidentally-on-purpose contributes to the problem, but I'm curious if in your travels you came across Cheri Huber's books There Is Nothing Wrong With You and/or That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek. The titles themselves effectively question the premise of your (and my) favorite hobby, self-examination. They do what they say on the tin. It is not an exaggeration to tell you That Which You Are Seeking helped save my life in undergrad, when unchecked self-examination became a depression spiral with predictable results. I'm currently going through a midlife "oh my god every decision I've ever made was in order to impress people, what even is an authentic desire," and There Is Nothing Wrong With You was in rotation for a while, although I don't meditate.
I think I might seek as a stress response
Yep. Right on the nose. Me too, so please forgive me if the following paragraph is heavy on projection. May I suggest that you will never dismantle the tendency to ruminate by ruminating about it enough? Give up on being a better version of you. Plenty of people are much bigger assholes. You have a much higher than average amount of self-knowledge, and you are allowed to retire early instead of burning yourself out to reach the top of the exploding-brain meme. YOU ARE ALLOWED. If you are searching for your self - stop. You have one. It's not ever going to look like a resume, or a biopic, or an autobiography, or a painted portrait, or the average of your five closest friends' selves, or even a "sense of purpose." We are animate pieces of flotsam on the physical/biochemical/semiotic currents of life, cursed with sentience. Any sense of self we have is temporary at best. If the self-help industrial complex is taking advantage of your stress responses, to the detriment of your actual enjoyment of life, try tapering down to abstinence on self-examination.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 1:13 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think I might seek as a stress response
Yep. Right on the nose. Me too, so please forgive me if the following paragraph is heavy on projection. May I suggest that you will never dismantle the tendency to ruminate by ruminating about it enough? Give up on being a better version of you. Plenty of people are much bigger assholes. You have a much higher than average amount of self-knowledge, and you are allowed to retire early instead of burning yourself out to reach the top of the exploding-brain meme. YOU ARE ALLOWED. If you are searching for your self - stop. You have one. It's not ever going to look like a resume, or a biopic, or an autobiography, or a painted portrait, or the average of your five closest friends' selves, or even a "sense of purpose." We are animate pieces of flotsam on the physical/biochemical/semiotic currents of life, cursed with sentience. Any sense of self we have is temporary at best. If the self-help industrial complex is taking advantage of your stress responses, to the detriment of your actual enjoyment of life, try tapering down to abstinence on self-examination.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 1:13 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
There's a strong balance to being self-possessed and not self-obsessed(/absorbed). If you are so consumed by questions of yourself, it would seem like an inversion of qualities: not enough engagement with external environment is happening (whatever the reason), so the only company present is the self. Sounds like a good time to let the environment change/become you.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:56 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:56 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
A question: are you currently in therapy? If not: it might be good to find a therapist who understands your desire for self-exploration. That way you could contain the exploration to an hour a week, and the therapist could probably help you recognise the patterns you become stuck in, and give you exercises to counter them.
If you are like me, perhaps you wish to be self-sufficient and be your own therapist. As someone who is like that, I hope you’ll take it from me that talking to someone whose job this is is helpful and can aid you in making progress. No one can be an outside pair of eyes to themselves.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:23 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you are like me, perhaps you wish to be self-sufficient and be your own therapist. As someone who is like that, I hope you’ll take it from me that talking to someone whose job this is is helpful and can aid you in making progress. No one can be an outside pair of eyes to themselves.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:23 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
A self is much more than just a psyche. We're also embodied. Have you considered exploring what your body can do? Tried your hand at the sorts of thinking that are ephemeral, automatic, that elude words? These too are worthy experiences.
I understand that people who feel like they have a loose sense of identity or a poor sense of belonging will seek to uncover "who they are."
My desire to ruminate ebbed when I realized I was both neurodivergent and traumatized. Perhaps for you it's a quirk, a habit, a tic, a hobby, a mental loop you can back away from with practice. Or perhaps there's a reason you keep running over the same tracks? When I gained the vocabulary to understand who I was, I didn't need to seek so fiercely anymore. When I found people who were like me, who understood me instinctively, I was able to turn my big shiny brain outward instead of inward.
Identity and meaning are vital to the self!
posted by lloquat at 10:15 PM on July 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
I understand that people who feel like they have a loose sense of identity or a poor sense of belonging will seek to uncover "who they are."
My desire to ruminate ebbed when I realized I was both neurodivergent and traumatized. Perhaps for you it's a quirk, a habit, a tic, a hobby, a mental loop you can back away from with practice. Or perhaps there's a reason you keep running over the same tracks? When I gained the vocabulary to understand who I was, I didn't need to seek so fiercely anymore. When I found people who were like me, who understood me instinctively, I was able to turn my big shiny brain outward instead of inward.
Identity and meaning are vital to the self!
posted by lloquat at 10:15 PM on July 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
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I think you can begin doing this by acting and becoming involved with the reality literally outside yourself. That's it. There should be literally no resources required for this, aside the external environment, and it's probably best to begin that way.
The reality of the situation is, even if you pause these thoughts consciously, the thoughts still collect and process subconsciously. You'd probably like to reorganize those thoughts awhile, so stop thinking of your environment in terms of 'the self,' and start thinking about it in terms of your environment (in which you are a collective part).
It almost feels as though if you stop asking, you may be able to show yourself. Not sure, vague situation.
posted by firstdaffodils at 2:29 PM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]