Teach me how to pretend my father is dead

March 28, 2022 5:47 PM

I need a step by step guide on how to cut off contact with my father and cease any yearning I have for a relationship with him.

So, it's me again. I apologise for posting yet another question in such a short span of time, but today has been a whirlwind.

Yesterday I discovered that my father has pillaged my trust fund, and left a measly amount that wouldn't even cover a month's rent.

I don't give a flying fuck about the money. I do not want to try to recover the money. I do not care for legal recourse. I would like to consider it donated to charity. What I do want is to be clean of him, and any lingering thoughts and desires of having a father. I want to know how to pretend he is dead and exist in a happy (or at least stable) state of fatherlessness.

The logistics are done - I will never see him or speak to him again. He is blocked everywhere on my phone and the internet and has no way to reach me (but he does know my address). I just need to tell the little girl inside me who looks to her father for support, love, and validation and tell her that he's is dead in essence. But she is needy and incessant and I can't get rid of her and her longing, which lives inside a hole in my head.

I've read all the Dear Sugar columns and anything else I could find online regarding adult parental estrangement, but I think I need you to tell me how you did it. Like, really do it, so I have a 123 or a personal mantra or whatever that stops me from reaching out and so I know I'm on the right track to healing.

OK, I know I need to go to therapy(!!). I have it booked for Thursday, so this will be something I am going to discuss with her when we meet, but a variety of options of how other people did it might be helpful so that we can chart out something for my situation.

posted by antihistameme to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Response by poster: I also welcome any talking points you might have that I can bring up with my therapist so we can steer the conversation in the right direction. I don't even know where to start, to be honest.
posted by antihistameme at 6:13 PM on March 28, 2022

Therapy is going to be the best tool - since it'll be customized for you - but my guiding thought has been "people who hurt me are going to hurt me again (if I let them)".

This is a tough thing to go through, but it's worth it - sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like you've made the right decisions: block off the lines of communication and it'll just get easier every day. Sending hugs from afar.
posted by Nekosoft at 6:20 PM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

The nice thing is that you don't talk to him, your brain will eventually forget him, the same way you forget other people you don't talk to. You don't have to do anything, really. It will all happen by itself.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:25 PM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

Please, consult a lawyer about your trust? You'll want to fully understand any possible ramifications *for you* because of the trustee's actions, and then address them if necessary. Detaching yourself from your father completely means clearing up legal matters that link you to him, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:33 PM on March 28, 2022 [34 favorites]

One thing that helped me with an estrangement five years ago (though it wasn't my parent) was writing down every bad thing they did to me, and glancing back at that note from time to time. At the beginning, man I must've looked at it every day. And then I slowed down. Now, I just happened to glance at it again for probably the first time in a couple of years and it was so, so validating. *That's* what they did. *That's* why this estrangement is necessary. And wow, I'd even forgotten a couple of their egregious acts.

I'm so happy I wrote it down while it was still fresh.
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:35 PM on March 28, 2022 [28 favorites]

I have done something similar, not with my father, but with a person who was very central to my life. You have already done the part that was most difficult for me-- blocking him and all of his avenues to reach out to you. If there are other people related to him (friends, siblings, your mom, etc.) who might reach out to you to try to help him get in touch, be sure to block those people also, at least temporarily, or make clear to them that they are not to triangulate, even though it might be hard.

Then, yes, therapy, definitely. But I would encourage you to check in with yourself alone about the situation from time to time. My therapist was very good, but the salacious nature of this part of my story (sorry so vague) meant that the therapist kept coming back to it over and over, even years later, after I felt I had dealt with it fully. It didn't bother me so much as it made me feel that the therapist didn't know me very well. It felt like a bigger deal to my therapist than it was to me (any more).

Therapy is very helpful and can be really rewarding, but don't be afraid to let it go for a bit or take a break if you have done the work and would feel healthier just moving past.
posted by weezetr at 6:47 PM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

My mother changed her name when she made big changes in her life that affected her family badly, so it was somewhat easier for me to think of her as being two different people - the before person and the after person. I could miss the original one and mourn her and remember happy times, and I could compartmentalize my feelings that way.

Whether or not you can do this depends on if you can do the little disassociation shift required and if your history with him makes it possible to regard one or the other of your fathers as good and the other as bad but unimportant. You could regard your father as both the father-he-could-have been, and the father he was, if he never was a good person, and attribute his being a bad person to something that happened to him when he was very young that broke him. This happens in real life, such as if someone suffers a head injury that changes their personality, or goes through trauma; and happens in fiction, such as if a changeling takes the real person away, or if you end up in another time line. If you are hopelessly imaginative running a story that you don't believe but which is emotionally satisfying can help you to heal and to regulate the storm of horrible emotions.

Can you think about your father as if he were a zombie, or as if he were possessed? He looks like the person who should be your father, historically he is your father, but... You don't talk to zombie Dad, because Zombie Dad is wearing the meat suit of your real father. Your father can't be rescued. You have to die to become a zombie. So that guy shambling about, looking like your father - isn't even a real person.

I find these kind of scripts help.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:21 PM on March 28, 2022 [7 favorites]

A framing that has worked well for me personally is this: I spent my whole life longing for a good relationship with my parents, until I realized (with lots and lots of therapy) that I actually wasn’t longing for that at all—in truth, I was longing for a relationship with the parents I wished I had, not the parents I did have. I wanted so badly to have a relationship with parents who were loving and respectful toward me, who were able to care for me as the person I am, but the truth is those people did not exist. They have never existed. They were only real in my imagination.

What I wanted was never possible, because it was never possible for my parents to be the people I needed them to be. I had to mourn the dream version I had of them far more than I mourned the loss of their actual selves from life.

This was the most painful and difficult realization I have ever had to come to. This internet stranger is wishing you so much love and care on your journey.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 8:27 PM on March 28, 2022 [55 favorites]

You’re trying to process a kind of grief that barely makes sense to your wisest, most grownup self, let alone that youngest, most vulnerable part of you that has always hoped her dad would show up the way she needed him. This is going to be really hard. Perhaps counterintuitively, one thing you can do is expect to find yourself not thinking of him the way you want to, and maybe even having more intense wishfulness than before. You can’t think your way through grief, but you can spare yourself some of the added suffering that comes with believing you should be able to. Anticipating that your grief will be messy, rather than blaming yourself for “failing” when you experience that messiness, isn’t a quick fix but will serve you over time.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:08 PM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

There is other good advice here, but one thing you want to watch out for us other people urging you to reconnect. You need to draw good boundaries with other family and anyone that might suggest it.

Also, let yourself grieve and be sad for a while. You'll slowly get less sad, heal, and forget.
posted by Garm at 10:32 PM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

You might find reddit's Estranged Adult Child community useful and/or validating.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:45 AM on March 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

I wrote a letter - Dear Dad, Thanks for nothing, you weren't there when I needed you, and that really hurt etc etc. I poured it all out. Then I went to a place with a lot of meaning for me, and I set it on fire. Something about that whole process really let me let go. But I'd already grieved a lot, so maybe you just need time to grieve the father you wanted, the things that could have been in a different life with a different dad.
posted by london explorer girl at 4:06 AM on March 29, 2022

This may sound a bit corny, but it's something that's helped me in reducing my co-dependency in partner relationships and my resentment towards my parents... become the person for yourself that you wanted them to be. In other words, treat yourself with all the love and attention and kindness and concern and tenderness and validation that you wished he'd given you. That might help reduce the "need to tell the little girl inside me who looks to her father for support, love, and validation." It's a great concrete topic for therapy.
posted by kokaku at 5:28 AM on March 29, 2022 [7 favorites]

Big damn hugs about this. It's really hard.

Let yourself grieve. However that looks like. Let your feelings be your feelings, they are happening for a reason. I can tell you from experience that trying to stop them doesn't work and prolongs the grief and pain. Letting the pain and hurt in is so hard, but it's part of the mourning process, and it does get better.

It took me awhile not to be ashamed of the part of me that missed having parents, that longed for that care, the crying child inside, basically. I realized that part is just the kid I was that wasn't helped, and the part of me that deserves and expects love and comfort and care and that's a profoundly human and important part of me.

Captain Awkward's estrangement resources really help me
posted by Geameade at 6:09 AM on March 29, 2022 [2 favorites]

Ugh I'm so sorry you're going through this. Finding out something like this is a shock and will take some time to process.

I second Iris Gambol's advice to consult a lawyer. When I went through an analogous situation, a friend who is a family lawyer said something that was really helpful: when someone tries to contest a will or deplete an estate, it's like they have initiated a divorce. The same goes, I think, for someone messing around with a family trust. Your father didn't just take some money which you may or may not need, he actually created a rift.

As when you are getting a divorce, it's tempting to say, "OK, I wash my hands, I need nothing further from you," and just walk away. But it's not always that simple, so find out what the actual legal situation is and what considerations you may need to be aware of. Good luck!
posted by BibiRose at 6:09 AM on March 29, 2022

I haven't been in this exact situation, so I offer this tentatively.

I have sometimes found reminding myself that "this is the new normal" helps me to adjust to disruptive permanent or indefinite changes I would not exactly have chosen. So in your situation, the new normal is that you are estranged from your father. It helps me because it encourages me to think of my situation as being normal (with all the related connotations of usual and acceptable) even before I am ready to embrace that as a reality.

If this is a helpful idea for you, feel free to use it, if it feels unhelpful then please discard as irrelevant.
posted by plonkee at 7:11 AM on March 29, 2022

You have to grieve the loss. It's sad to lose a parent, whether though death or necessity.
posted by theora55 at 12:37 PM on March 29, 2022

I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the pain. My experience was only in miniature by comparison, but MollyRealized's practice of "reparenting" was valuable to me, first in just honoring my need for a good parent instead of pretending the need didn't exist or thinking I could get along without it, and second, finding within myself or elsewhere (r/DadForAMinute/ can be valuable here) the parent I wish I had.

Good luck. Lots of internet strangers wishing you the best.
posted by sapere aude at 2:25 PM on March 29, 2022

I am so sorry your father has failed you time and time again. I have a mantra I use when reminding myself of the danger of interacting with my mother, who has done much the same financial damage. (And I echo Iris Gambol's wise advice on that topic.)

My mantra: My mother is a rattlesnake.

Rattlesnakes have every right to exist. They serve a purpose in our ecology. But if I get too close, I'll get bitten. If I am bitten, I may die. What they do with their time is none of my concern. There is no use in learning all about how to read their body language ahead of a bite so I can be close without being bitten when I can just.... avoid rattlesnakes.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:20 AM on March 30, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is not my experience but I have been watching this process over the last 10+ years as my husband has gone through it.

I think the most important thing is to cut off ways for your father to hurt you. Whether it be via stealing money, causing an emotional reaction, or anything else that might give him the satisfaction of know you are suffering. Without being able to hurt you, he’ll lose interest. And as he loses interest, it will be easier for you to forget him.

I understand from your other post that your father has more so been absent and less abusive in the traditional sense (not physically abusive). However, I do find it interesting that he chose to move to the city where you live and that he will sometimes answer your phone calls. I think he’s getting some perverse pleasure in torturing you by being geographically close and sometimes talking to you. I’m thinking “intermittent reinforcement” for the phone calls.

Maybe there is some other reason legitimate reason he moved to your city, and that it’s not to torture you. I find it hard to believe that it has nothing to do with you, though. I think it might help if you moved to a new city if possible. If he follows you then you know he is intentionally torturing you. If he doesn’t then the distance may help you let go.

The desire to have a loving parent never completely goes away, but you should protect yourself in any way possible from the person who is hurting you. They can be very creative. Be careful.
posted by GliblyKronor at 7:37 PM on March 30, 2022 [1 favorite]

Okay, so, my father was barely in my life and when he was, it was miserable. He used to beat my mother when I was young. (Imagine being 8 years old, covering your head with your pillow in bed, trying to drown out the sound of physical abuse and your moms cries). I was a girl, ergo I wasn't worth much (in my father's eyes. We are Caucasian, if that makes a difference).

He left when I was ten - moved across the country with a girlfriend. We tried building a relationship when I was 14 and he moved back here; tried again at 16. Then nothing until I accidentally ran into him at 26.

Each time, he was dismissive of my life; "amazed" at my intelligence; diminished me and my accomplishments. He did not put forth any effort in getting to know my children. In short, he never changed from the selfish, self-centered, misygonistic man he always was.

In my 40s I wrote him a letter, detailing all the horrible memories I have of him (punching me in the mouth; trying to pull a loose tooth by cornering me in my room; his abuse of my mother; other things....). He never, ever once apologized, and I pointed that out too. I told him I no longer want any contact with him ever again.

He tried. Once or twice he called. He never would apologize - he would just say that times were different then. But he finally stopped. Maybe because I never picked up the phone and I never called him back. I know he keeps in sporadic contact with my brother, but I no longer hear from him.

It was very, very hard to give up the dream of someday having a good father/daughter relationship. But he was out of my life for so much that it was a relief to write that letter and cut all ties. And since then? It's gotten even easier, honestly.

You know what helped? Realizing that I (you!) deserve much better. That parents can be failures and it has nothing to do with us - it's all on them. That no one, NO ONE, has the right to mistreat you - even if they are responsible for your being in existence. When a parent brings nothing but grief and misery to a child, it is completely understandable and reasonable to reassemble your life without them.
posted by annieb at 5:20 PM on March 31, 2022

"I just need to tell the little girl inside me who looks to her father for support, love, and validation and tell her that he's is dead in essence. But she is needy and incessant and I can't get rid of her and her longing, which lives inside a hole in my head."

I have actually lost beloved parents. I still have dreams where I wake up almost believing they are still alive. I absolutely continue longing for their support, love, and validation. Even decades later, it can be very painful. Someone dying doesn't end your love for them, or whatever parts of the relationship are internal to you. I think you are chasing the wrong analogy if your goal is to get rid of the longing and yearning. Death doesn't do that at ALL.

What you are talking about may be grieving. Anybody who has really grieved knows that it's not a simple or finite thing. It shifts, it spirals, it hides, it snarls, it confounds and surprises and overwhelms, even many years later. There aren't really any shortcuts, and any you think you find can come back and bite you.

Taking care of yourself, therapy, acceptance of the lack of control over our emotions, and time, can all be helpful.

"a personal mantra or whatever that stops me from reaching out"

This is different. This is not trying to control your feelings, but to control your actions. The best advice I can give is to push yourself a little at a time. "Not today" can be a mantra. Or a plan, of things that you promise yourself you must do before reaching out (e.g., address in therapy, write an unsent letter, wait two weeks, address in therapy again, burn the letter and write a new one, wait one month, address in therapy again, go on your dream vacation), and when you want to reach out, instead take the first of those steps and see how far along you get.
posted by Salamandrous at 1:47 PM on April 1, 2022