What do you do to show yourself kindness?

March 20, 2022 1:56 AM

Inspire me: what specific day-to-day things do you do to be kind to yourself?

I'm trying to be kinder to myself in at least one way each day, and I feel like I need help expanding what that means, especially beyond dutifully following self care basics like taking walks outside, avoiding negative self talk etc.

so... I'm crowdsourcing inspiration/examples to expand the concept in my mind. What does it mean to you to be kind to yourself? What are specific ways that you do that in your day-to-day routines?

posted by geegollygosh to Grab Bag (24 answers total)

I speak very kindly to myself.
"I love you"
"It's OK sweetie"
"You've done the best you can do today"
"Good on you!"
I find saying those things aloud to myself helps to calm and centre myself, and I believe myself when I say them.
posted by Thella at 2:04 AM on March 20, 2022 [15 favorites]

A little one that I picked up a few years ago: I don't avoid my reflection in a mirror. In a minor way, this is acknowledging my presence (oh, hi there me, I see you). In a major way, it's the opposite of avoiding what I have a tendency to see as flaws. It's something akin to a grounding exercise in my own body, a be-here-now opportunity. I say this because I spent years semi-consciously avoiding my reflection, even/especially when I was like brushing my teeth or drying off pit of the shower *directly in front of a mirror.* It took adjusting to, but now I give myself a smile and a wave a few times a day and it feels like a very cool thing to be able to do.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:15 AM on March 20, 2022 [30 favorites]

I love the feeling of getting into a bad with clean sheets so I change the sheets in my bed on Friday. I do it on Friday so it feels like a reward for making it through the workweek (and because I have time on the weekend to do laundry).
posted by sciencegeek at 2:33 AM on March 20, 2022 [18 favorites]

I give myself a deliberate treat every day, as a way of saying "here, have this nice thing because I like you!" Can be big or small. A glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, sitting at the piano to play a song I like, walking to a specific favorite spot, a nice meal, fresh sheets, a museum visit, mailing myself a postcard, wearing funky earrings.
posted by pendrift at 2:38 AM on March 20, 2022 [11 favorites]

An add on to sciencegeeks' suggestion: I make sure my bedroom is nice and tidy before I leave it in the morning. I love going to bed and having it look like it was readied for someone special... it was! Me!
posted by kate4914 at 2:41 AM on March 20, 2022 [12 favorites]

I like wearing my happy pants despite the alleged distress they cause little ms. flabdablet because they are just indescribably comfy.

I like to pull increasingly grotesque faces at myself in the bathroom mirror until I genuinely make myself laugh.

I like to get stoned and play the drums until I'm sweaty and tired and a little bit deaf.

I like to get stoned and go for a good long walk in bare feet.

I also like to do those things without getting stoned, even though getting stoned first definitely improves both of them. Past experience suggests that it would stop doing so to anywhere near the present extent if I made a regular habit of it instead of an occasional treat.

I like to give myself credit for finally figuring out a totally sustainable relationship with food, and I like to make a conscious practice of appreciating the way the lean man in loose skin is gradually being revealed inside the shrinking fatsuit.

I like to brush my teeth for the full two minutes until the electric toothbrush goes brrp brrp brrp while playing with mouth shapes and listening to the harmonics.

I like to fold up the doona and roll up the futon first thing after getting out of bed so that everything is all warm and dry and fluffy and comfy when I get back in.

I like to snuggle with the cats whenever they're up for it.

I like to treat myself to two hours on our truly amazing local myotherapist's massage table.

All in all, retirement is working out pretty great so far.
posted by flabdablet at 4:28 AM on March 20, 2022 [16 favorites]

I use social media a lot, so I make sure to post a current photo or selfie on social media every month or so, even though I am not as conventionally attractive as I used to be (changes in age, style, size, kids, more tiredness, less self maintenance, massively less interest in pleasing the male gaze lol, etc).

I do it to prove to myself that I look like a perfectly fine human being, and to normalize what I actually look like now (to me and others) instead of clinging to some hotter past or hoping for some more disciplined future.

I also minimize the use of filters and retouching - I do a little colour shifting to make photos look nicer, but not to make me look “better”. Added bonus that people don’t look startled when they meet me after knowing me from selfie that’s a decade old!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:34 AM on March 20, 2022 [14 favorites]

Good question!
I have soothing routines. Every evening before bed I prepare for my Super Indulgent Morning Routine by putting together a few snacks, a thermos of boiling water, and a mug with my favourite mix of cocoa powder and some dark chocolate. All this goes on my bedside table. I have to take some meds in the morning, and I find that dark chocolate pairs very well with my SSRI.
I am in the fortunate position that I'm in charge of my own routine (I work from home and have no children) so I always make sure my mornings are as gentle as possible.
Like many others I have big rushes of cortisol in the morning which makes me feel extra anxious and tense, so my routine helps with that.
I eat regular snacks to keep my blood sugar steady, and I sit down and enjoy the food properly.
I have a whole lot of soothing and enjoyable podcasts and audiobooks I listen to while I do my chores, all by people who have a kind, friendly, enthusiastic vibe.
I keep checking whether I'm trying to control things that are out of my control or not my responsibility (like other people's opinion of me)
I keep reminding myself that I only have to get through today.
posted by Zumbador at 6:10 AM on March 20, 2022 [10 favorites]

I forgive myself for not being able to do it all and strive to be at peace with the idea that something is better than nothing. This comes into play in a lot of areas: exercising, housework, making food, etc.

I am up against a lifetime of actually being able to do it all and now somewhat suddenly and surprisingly find myself in a position where I truly cannot. It takes a while for my brain to catch up to this new reality, but to the extent I'm able to nudge it in that direction, I'm better off mentally and physically.

I also spend a lot of time, energy and money on coffee because it brings me happiness.
posted by fruitslinger at 6:33 AM on March 20, 2022 [9 favorites]

A little one that I picked up a few years ago: I don't avoid my reflection in a mirror.

I see acknowledging your reflection and raise you giving yourself double finger guns or a good hearty thumbs up. (No one ever has to know but you.)

I've also started singing the "bitch you doing a good job" tune from TikTok to myself while doing unpleasant but necessary tasks.
posted by phunniemee at 6:51 AM on March 20, 2022 [12 favorites]

- Take naps, whenever possible
- No more diets
- Minimize interactions with exhausting people
- Take time for escapist hobbies
- Give myself credit for the effort, even if unsuccessful
- Take time to process feedback, no expectation of immediate improvement
- Adjust my standards for effort in case of unfavourable circumstances
- Have insider-jokes with myself
- Let go of unreasonable expectations and hopeless causes (which can be hard, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind)
- Allow myself to quit
posted by sohalt at 7:02 AM on March 20, 2022 [11 favorites]

Also, rather importantly:
- Spend money on convenience
posted by sohalt at 7:08 AM on March 20, 2022 [14 favorites]

i lean into the "give yourself a big hug" parts of Yoga with Adriene. nothing better than really squeeeeeezing my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth to massage my shoulders on a bit on the floor and taking a moment to think, hey, this rules, i love this, thanks for letting me do this, self!
posted by gaybobbie at 7:29 AM on March 20, 2022 [10 favorites]

I make a point to thank Past Me for doing stuff that's nice for Current Me - a full box of washed socks under my desk, snack drawer in the fridge topped up, lunches pre-made, workspace tidied up. Even just starting a load of dishes - good job, me!

I have tried to move away from so much of a food-based reward economy, and away from "reward" for a thing done and more toward necessary rest and recharge to fill the tank for things that will need to be done. Future Me functions better when I have regular experiences of creative activity - I tend to rotate hobbies but right now I try to sit down and do a drawing tutorial every weekend, and I have gardening tasks that need to be done more or less daily (bonus that this gets me a few minutes of guaranteed daylight exposure which I know helps my life be better).

The past couple of years have forced me to confront my perfectionism quite a bit, and like fruitslinger said really grappling with the fact that just because I can make a list of things and declare it must be done in X timeline doesn't make the necessary amount of time actually appear. It's not feasible just because you insist it must be. I think about my professional mentors and role models who are actually really good at estimating effort (AND slapping 20% on top) so that they only commit is what is actually deliverable, and I am trying to apply that principle to my personal crap too. I only contain finite resources and I need to work with that reality rather than constantly beating myself up for failing to achieve fantasy.

I don't know where I picked this up, but at some point in the past year when I do something particularly unproductive or poorly, instead of immediately launching into the scolding I have started saying, "welp, THAT was a choice I made." It doesn't absolve personal responsibility but somehow it feels kinder, and it acknowledges that I will have other opportunities to make a different choice, having learned from this one.

Other people have mentioned yoga and other movement, and for me I had reason to discover physical therapy a couple of years ago and have fallen in love with PT mobility exercises. Part of it is that the framing is very much that you're doing this now for Future You (rather than most exercise having been heavily-colored as a thing you do to make up for past sins), but they also generally feel really good assuming you're not rehabbing an actual injury. It's pretty much for Current You too. I really like Bob & Brad and AskDoctorJo for generally super-quick targeted exercises, and then Dr Jacob has some slightly longer mobility routines.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on March 20, 2022 [20 favorites]

I try to do something every day that Future Me will appreciate. It might be packing my lunch the night before, or changing my sheets, or doing something ahead of schedule so I don’t have to worry about it later. And then I try to be consciously grateful for it.
posted by bookmammal at 9:24 AM on March 20, 2022 [12 favorites]

I keep my Facebook wall reserved for my own thoughts and reports of little incidents. I post about once a day. No downers allowed.

I have a few people who will reliably ‘like’ everything I post no matter how mundane, and honestly that’s a nice feeling.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:06 AM on March 20, 2022 [10 favorites]

I bought a rolling/kneading/thumping massage chair on craigslist and now enjoy massage every time I need relief from overexertion or tension.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:02 PM on March 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

Honestly, making sure I give myself enough sleep is key. Everything else in my life really hinges on good sleep so I make it a self care priority.
posted by sucre at 1:27 PM on March 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

This might be specific to my situation, hopefully you’re already doing more, but I no longer tolerate more than a certain amount of discomfort to meet my obligations (am taking care of a family member and my partner atm, so literally it is taking time for a proper shower most days, or having an actual meal instead of a protein bar or bag of chips from the convenience store that’s on the way :/). If it means I have to take a later train and someone has to wait a little longer than they’d prefer (vs need), so be it (barring essentials or emergencies of course!). In a different context, this means basically not putting yourself out for the sake of other people.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:33 PM on March 20, 2022 [8 favorites]

I put dinner in the crockpot at least a couple of mornings a week. There is nothing nicer to me than having delicious hot food ready for me at the end of a long work day.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:15 PM on March 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

To echo a few comments above, fall in love with your future self. Nurture and go out of your way for them as you would for your partner, beloved, cherished other half.

Make things easy for them - prep their favorite meals, arrange your schedule so you have downtime together, plan dates and trips and special surprises. Leave love notes and money in their winter coat pockets before you put them away.

Your longest and truest relationship is with yourself. Put your efforts there and you will always be rewarded in equal measures.
posted by ananci at 5:42 PM on March 20, 2022 [19 favorites]

I have started putting fruit in my cereal. It fills me with such a deep joy - just this decadent small addition to my regular pedestrian routine. Find your blueberries to add to your cheerios, even if it's 100% just for you.
posted by zenon at 7:57 AM on March 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

Jorts the Twitter cat has good self care advice. I’ve caught myself pushing myself too hard to get something done and thinking about something Jorts said and having a cup of tea with my own cat before doing the next to-do. Talking to myself like I’d talk to an adorable orange tabby is sometimes easier to implement than talking to myself like I’d talk to a friend (because that makes me compare myself to my awesome friends).

I also started meditating, which has made me a lot more aware of how I feel, what parts of me hurt, whether I’m tense, etc. throughout the day. Meditating isn’t everyone’s thing, but maybe you set a reminder for a couple times a day to take a deep breath and check in?
posted by momus_window at 10:15 AM on March 21, 2022

I guess I didn't say it explicitly in my answer but the terrible secret is this: you can - are allowed to and should - like you. It's a worthy effort to come to that relationship with yourself, and it will also save you time and money. We spend our entire lives being told not to do that, because that keeps us incredibly manipulable, so it's really important to advertisers and power structures that we feel not just unable but forbidden to like ourselves.

Be contrary: fight The Man. Befriend yourself.

Give yourself the consideration you would a friend. Cheerlead yourself like you would a friend. Every once in a while you might have to tell yourself a hard truth like you would a friend, but if you were talking to a friend like that you wouldn't conclude with "and now you should go roll in wet garbage, you monster" so don't do that to you either!

Make dates with yourself - that's what my creative blocks of time really are, and gardening is a sort of outdoor playtime, and sitting down to watch a movie or play a video game as a form of both relaxation and self-connection rather than letting that be zombie time for just turning the bad thoughts off - this is how people maintain connection and foster fond-feeling. I think that's what you're asking for here when you've asked for specific examples, but I just want to say out loud that if you do those things as part of a deliberate relationship plan and not just hoping that disparate instances of self-care will somehow improve the situation, you get better results. You need a why, not just a what.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:25 AM on March 21, 2022 [7 favorites]