Not “Eat, Pray, Love” but what instead?
March 27, 2022 10:45 AM Subscribe
The last few years have left me a diminished person. Death, violent trauma, grief, caring responsibilities, and an almost non-stop series of pretty intense crises have meant that in a 5 period there have only been a few months here and there of relative calm and stability. I’m really feeling this now. I’m quieter, less confident and less joyful than I once was, to the extent that friends and loved ones have noticed and made gentle concerned comments. I would like to hear from others who have experienced this and find out helped them.
I know that I’m never going to be the exact same person I was, and nor would I want to be. But it frightens me that I feel smaller than I used to feel and I want to change this. I seem to have forgotten who I am but I don’t quite know how to remember again. I think I essentially want to “rediscover myself” but I’ve never really been a self-help book type of person which is why I’m turning to you all instead.
I’m in therapy which is a great help. Thank you for anything you can share.
I know that I’m never going to be the exact same person I was, and nor would I want to be. But it frightens me that I feel smaller than I used to feel and I want to change this. I seem to have forgotten who I am but I don’t quite know how to remember again. I think I essentially want to “rediscover myself” but I’ve never really been a self-help book type of person which is why I’m turning to you all instead.
I’m in therapy which is a great help. Thank you for anything you can share.
Best answer: I'm so sorry you went through all of this. The fact that you are recognizing the issue and are motivated to take concrete action means you are already a good way along the path to healing.
When I emerged from my grief over the death of my surviving parent a couple of decades ago, I found that working through the steps in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way was hugely helpful as a complement to therapy. It's not a conventional self-help book, but it does offer a defined and manageable program for getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you might have had to suppress or ignore while you were dealing with everything else. Although she focusses on writing, it is certainly applicable to other forms of artistic expression, and you certainly don't need to think of yourself as a Creative Person to benefit. There are online and in-person groups around that will let you do this with others, but I found it highly effective as a solo set of activities.
It also sounds like you have a supportive group of friends who are interested in helping you with this, so please let them! I'll bet if you tell them what you've told us and ask for their ideas they will come up with all kinds of things.
posted by rpfields at 10:57 AM on March 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I emerged from my grief over the death of my surviving parent a couple of decades ago, I found that working through the steps in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way was hugely helpful as a complement to therapy. It's not a conventional self-help book, but it does offer a defined and manageable program for getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you might have had to suppress or ignore while you were dealing with everything else. Although she focusses on writing, it is certainly applicable to other forms of artistic expression, and you certainly don't need to think of yourself as a Creative Person to benefit. There are online and in-person groups around that will let you do this with others, but I found it highly effective as a solo set of activities.
It also sounds like you have a supportive group of friends who are interested in helping you with this, so please let them! I'll bet if you tell them what you've told us and ask for their ideas they will come up with all kinds of things.
posted by rpfields at 10:57 AM on March 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I went through a severe depression that it took me years to climb out of. Therapy helped a lot, so I'm glad you're doing that.
But grief and trauma change you in ways that are permanent (I never did get back to a place where I could enjoy women's magazines - I know that sounds trivial, but it was a real change). When my father died, the most helpful thing someone said to me was that it's like losing your arm - you learn to live without it, but you can never go back to where you were. And you really don't want the disappearance of someone who matters to you to not affect you. It's normal. It means you loved someone.
I feel like I've been able to grow some in these two pandemic years by just doing stuff - adding things in with the tiniest steps imaginable, and then literally giving myself stickers on a calendar for what I do. In tiny increments, I added cleaning, writing, spiritual reading, and walking to my day (not all at once). I was playing the piano as well, but I've dropped that for now- I'll get back to it though. The thing is to choose something that interests you and start a practice in the most low-stakes and least time consuming way imaginable. Have you always wanted to draw? Buy yourself some paper and nice pencils and make a drawing of a lamp or a book or a leaf. Spend five minutes on it. Reward yourself. Do it again tomorrow. If you like it, draw the same thing again or try something else. If you don't like it, what else do you want to try?
I was listening to podcasts, and there was a guy who said he writes lists every day - just random weirdo lists. Ten ideas for businesses, ten names for a cat, ten things you remember about the house you grew up in. It's a cool way to generate ideas. If you decide you have to write ten, you'll dig deeper into your thoughts than you normally would. Write a list of ten things you want to try - don't censor yourself. If you've always wanted to skydive, just write it down - don't come up with the fifty things in your way. After you have a list or two or three, see if there's anything that sparks your interest, that you want to try. Then try it (again - tiny time commitment, very low stakes - if it's skydiving, start by googling it and see what you can find out).
I have no idea if this will be helpful to you, but maybe it will spark some other ideas.
posted by FencingGal at 1:38 PM on March 27, 2022 [14 favorites]
But grief and trauma change you in ways that are permanent (I never did get back to a place where I could enjoy women's magazines - I know that sounds trivial, but it was a real change). When my father died, the most helpful thing someone said to me was that it's like losing your arm - you learn to live without it, but you can never go back to where you were. And you really don't want the disappearance of someone who matters to you to not affect you. It's normal. It means you loved someone.
I feel like I've been able to grow some in these two pandemic years by just doing stuff - adding things in with the tiniest steps imaginable, and then literally giving myself stickers on a calendar for what I do. In tiny increments, I added cleaning, writing, spiritual reading, and walking to my day (not all at once). I was playing the piano as well, but I've dropped that for now- I'll get back to it though. The thing is to choose something that interests you and start a practice in the most low-stakes and least time consuming way imaginable. Have you always wanted to draw? Buy yourself some paper and nice pencils and make a drawing of a lamp or a book or a leaf. Spend five minutes on it. Reward yourself. Do it again tomorrow. If you like it, draw the same thing again or try something else. If you don't like it, what else do you want to try?
I was listening to podcasts, and there was a guy who said he writes lists every day - just random weirdo lists. Ten ideas for businesses, ten names for a cat, ten things you remember about the house you grew up in. It's a cool way to generate ideas. If you decide you have to write ten, you'll dig deeper into your thoughts than you normally would. Write a list of ten things you want to try - don't censor yourself. If you've always wanted to skydive, just write it down - don't come up with the fifty things in your way. After you have a list or two or three, see if there's anything that sparks your interest, that you want to try. Then try it (again - tiny time commitment, very low stakes - if it's skydiving, start by googling it and see what you can find out).
I have no idea if this will be helpful to you, but maybe it will spark some other ideas.
posted by FencingGal at 1:38 PM on March 27, 2022 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I have a ton of thoughts but it's hard to know what is most useful for you right now.
For me, coming out of PTSD from childhood abuse, and then PTSD and grief at losing my daughter, and now a pandemic, I do have a series of things I look at to increase my capacity for joy but it is very personal what sticks, so to speak.
For me a lot of it comes down to:
- make time for sadness/anger and let myself express it. Smash dishes, go through some rituals around grief, tear up sheets, etc.
- also make time for and rituals of joy, which for me quite honestly are tiny things. Candles. Heartening stories. Really Good Art Of All Kinds(tm)
- set aside time to consciously seek out and notice new things or familiar things in a new way. I do this through walks and photography
- journalling some, including noticing what went right
- eating a combination of healthy food (base) and indulgent food
- making time for others
- working to find ways to contribute (vounteering, etc.)
- acts of creation whether that's bread, outfits, painting, etc.
- ground in my body and in the literal earth (my yard, parks)
- change my space
- have rituals of fun (different from joy). For a long time I watched something funny every Thursday.
That sounds very overwhelming like that but it's all tiny bits. If any of that appeals maybe say so and I can elaborate.
If I could pick one thing, it's spend 5 minutes a day thinking of things that gave you joy in the past, and see what you can find that is similar. For example, if you used to love to go dancing and now you don't/can't, is there music you can play while you're in the bath anyway?
I'm starting a thing for people to get out of the pandemic groove, but it's not at launch yet. I don't want to self-promote much but if you would like me to let you know when it launches MeMail me!
posted by warriorqueen at 1:43 PM on March 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
For me, coming out of PTSD from childhood abuse, and then PTSD and grief at losing my daughter, and now a pandemic, I do have a series of things I look at to increase my capacity for joy but it is very personal what sticks, so to speak.
For me a lot of it comes down to:
- make time for sadness/anger and let myself express it. Smash dishes, go through some rituals around grief, tear up sheets, etc.
- also make time for and rituals of joy, which for me quite honestly are tiny things. Candles. Heartening stories. Really Good Art Of All Kinds(tm)
- set aside time to consciously seek out and notice new things or familiar things in a new way. I do this through walks and photography
- journalling some, including noticing what went right
- eating a combination of healthy food (base) and indulgent food
- making time for others
- working to find ways to contribute (vounteering, etc.)
- acts of creation whether that's bread, outfits, painting, etc.
- ground in my body and in the literal earth (my yard, parks)
- change my space
- have rituals of fun (different from joy). For a long time I watched something funny every Thursday.
That sounds very overwhelming like that but it's all tiny bits. If any of that appeals maybe say so and I can elaborate.
If I could pick one thing, it's spend 5 minutes a day thinking of things that gave you joy in the past, and see what you can find that is similar. For example, if you used to love to go dancing and now you don't/can't, is there music you can play while you're in the bath anyway?
I'm starting a thing for people to get out of the pandemic groove, but it's not at launch yet. I don't want to self-promote much but if you would like me to let you know when it launches MeMail me!
posted by warriorqueen at 1:43 PM on March 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I’m quieter, less confident and less joyful
I recently had a period of depression that left me withdrawn, less confident, isolated and pretty much joyless.
What has helped me as of late: Being outdoors, moving my body with intention -- as in vigorous exercise like power walks, having conversations with my sister and friends. Eating lunch outside. Sitting by a pool. Having coffee and yogurt parfaits after a bike ride with a friend. Going on dates with my husband. Listening to podcasts and reading interesting articles and books.
As the fog of my depression is lifting I have been thinking about the things that I used to do when life was more joyful and more engaged. It might be a good exercise to write down the things that brought you joy in the past and things you're thinking about now that you would like to try, even if it's one or two things.
When I think of joyful, life-affirming things I think of having conversations with my kids and husband. Also pink roses, turquoise vases, colorful artwork, sunshine, planting flowers, cutting up a bowl of fresh fruit and putting whipped cream on top, wearing more color and having fun with my clothes and hair, getting excited about a new recipe. Opening the windows. Being in nature. Yoga. Planning simple outings. Great books and movies. The little pleasures of life like cafe tables with tablecloths with upside down coffee cups, sensory pleasures like massage and great smelling shower gels or bath oils. Dancing. Being with people who are positive and kind. Music!
A book that you might enjoy: The Art of Is: Improvising as a Way of Life
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:16 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
I recently had a period of depression that left me withdrawn, less confident, isolated and pretty much joyless.
What has helped me as of late: Being outdoors, moving my body with intention -- as in vigorous exercise like power walks, having conversations with my sister and friends. Eating lunch outside. Sitting by a pool. Having coffee and yogurt parfaits after a bike ride with a friend. Going on dates with my husband. Listening to podcasts and reading interesting articles and books.
As the fog of my depression is lifting I have been thinking about the things that I used to do when life was more joyful and more engaged. It might be a good exercise to write down the things that brought you joy in the past and things you're thinking about now that you would like to try, even if it's one or two things.
When I think of joyful, life-affirming things I think of having conversations with my kids and husband. Also pink roses, turquoise vases, colorful artwork, sunshine, planting flowers, cutting up a bowl of fresh fruit and putting whipped cream on top, wearing more color and having fun with my clothes and hair, getting excited about a new recipe. Opening the windows. Being in nature. Yoga. Planning simple outings. Great books and movies. The little pleasures of life like cafe tables with tablecloths with upside down coffee cups, sensory pleasures like massage and great smelling shower gels or bath oils. Dancing. Being with people who are positive and kind. Music!
A book that you might enjoy: The Art of Is: Improvising as a Way of Life
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:16 PM on March 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Quite time with old friends can push buttons that gradually bring you back to a sense of yourself. It's not the totality of ‘you’ but something worth exploring and reclaiming at every opportunity. If you can pursue a hobby where YOU are the sole judge of how well you're doing, it can go a long way to restoring a sense of what it is you have control over. I got a folding kayak last year and getting out on the water to see urban wildlife, taking responsibility for my own safety, seeing the seasons advance and how something had changed every time I went out…it was more restorative than hiking or biking had ever been.
posted by brachiopod at 7:54 PM on March 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by brachiopod at 7:54 PM on March 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Nearly five years after a string of awful life experiences, I can tell you that I'm actually as happy and joyful as before -- which I had never thought would be possible. I'm not saying it will happen for you or that I don't have hard moments at times but I can't tell you how grateful and glad I am. Even two years ago, I had moments where I'd be crying and thinking "I'll never be truly happy again." But I am! I definitely had a period where I had to accept that I would never be as joyous again and that was hard but helped alleviate some of the pressure I was putting onto myself.
I love therapy and self-help books and podcasts and the like, although I know they're not your thing. I moved abroad. I changed jobs. I went back to school. COVID fucked everything up but then had some silver linings, like a big road trip. All that adventure was cool but so is simple stuff like sitting at home in my warm apartment with my two cats -- adopted in the past year -- surrounded by books and plants and art.
I'd start by asking yourself what you really want, both little and big, and then achieve them. Saving money to feel more financially stable? Going on walks every day to get fresh air? Buying a warm blanket that makes you feel physically safe?
posted by smorgasbord at 8:46 PM on March 28, 2022
I love therapy and self-help books and podcasts and the like, although I know they're not your thing. I moved abroad. I changed jobs. I went back to school. COVID fucked everything up but then had some silver linings, like a big road trip. All that adventure was cool but so is simple stuff like sitting at home in my warm apartment with my two cats -- adopted in the past year -- surrounded by books and plants and art.
I'd start by asking yourself what you really want, both little and big, and then achieve them. Saving money to feel more financially stable? Going on walks every day to get fresh air? Buying a warm blanket that makes you feel physically safe?
posted by smorgasbord at 8:46 PM on March 28, 2022
Best answer: Group therapy, or a trauma-focused support group, can be so helpful. I'm speaking of a professionally-led group, although a peer-led group could be a good alternative. Speaking with people who have similar histories and a desire to feel better is a very powerful modality. Your therapist may be able to help you find an appropriate group in your area. I hope this helps; what you're going through is so hard.
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:37 AM on March 29, 2022
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:37 AM on March 29, 2022
Best answer: You are not a diminished person. You’re a person that has been knocked around and have had to deal with what you were dealt. And still there is enough life in you that is stirring and stretching and reaching enough to ask this question!
My first child died when she was 4 months old. A few years later my beloved brother died from a completely unexpected suicide….I mention these things only to offer some credential for being someone who has suffered the slings and arrows of this vale of tears.
You mention Eat, Pray, Love. I find Elizabeth Gilbert to be a privileged, irritating purveyor of woo, who sickeningly refers to her fans as “Dear Ones”. But reading that book years ago did give me an important guiding principle that I still frequently use. I actually could be misremembering because it has been years since I read the book, but in my recollection as she was trying to dig her way out of sadness she began to ask herself “what do I want?”* and then followed those inklings of desire despite how much sense they made, to learn Italian, stay in a ashram, and visit Bali.
Posters have offered many ideas here for what worked to help them find a more joyful self, but ask yourself “what do I want?” Actually that question is too big and too fraught. Maybe just ask yourself “what would be fun?” and notice the ideas that would arise. Probably some of the ideas that come up will just be stupid societal programming that you know you would not actually find fun, but the more you ask the more you will notice preferences, inclinations, desires. That is the direction to go. Let what you like guide you. Maybe you like odd things that “should not” be fun, like, I don’t know, going through car washes. Or small things that seem like not a big enough deal to pursue, like making sure you have your home at exactly the temperature YOU feel good at.
Lean in to what delights you. What delights YOU.
I’ll tell you one of the places this led ME was dancing. I knew I loved to move to music, but I had also had a lot of bad dance class experiences. I wanted to move how the music moved me, not in some dictated way. I wanted to sink into my body, not be body shamed. I danced at home, alone, and allowed myself to just be in my body, move how I wanted to move. I searched and searched for a long time for a setting where I could dance like this with other people and I finally found it and found so much joy. If this is an avenue that speaks to you could search for “Ecstatic Dance” or “Five Rhythms Dance” or look for music festivals on the hippie spectrum. Or even exercise classes that are on the open and non-judgmental side like Zumba, Nia, Gaga.
So, let this be as small as you need or as big as you can tolerate…..what would be fun?
*it is unclear from what I know of her life story that this was really a departure from how she was running her life previously, but hey, we’re all complicated beings and even wildly self-revealing memoirists probably have unknown hidden depths and conflicts.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 7:03 AM on March 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
My first child died when she was 4 months old. A few years later my beloved brother died from a completely unexpected suicide….I mention these things only to offer some credential for being someone who has suffered the slings and arrows of this vale of tears.
You mention Eat, Pray, Love. I find Elizabeth Gilbert to be a privileged, irritating purveyor of woo, who sickeningly refers to her fans as “Dear Ones”. But reading that book years ago did give me an important guiding principle that I still frequently use. I actually could be misremembering because it has been years since I read the book, but in my recollection as she was trying to dig her way out of sadness she began to ask herself “what do I want?”* and then followed those inklings of desire despite how much sense they made, to learn Italian, stay in a ashram, and visit Bali.
Posters have offered many ideas here for what worked to help them find a more joyful self, but ask yourself “what do I want?” Actually that question is too big and too fraught. Maybe just ask yourself “what would be fun?” and notice the ideas that would arise. Probably some of the ideas that come up will just be stupid societal programming that you know you would not actually find fun, but the more you ask the more you will notice preferences, inclinations, desires. That is the direction to go. Let what you like guide you. Maybe you like odd things that “should not” be fun, like, I don’t know, going through car washes. Or small things that seem like not a big enough deal to pursue, like making sure you have your home at exactly the temperature YOU feel good at.
Lean in to what delights you. What delights YOU.
I’ll tell you one of the places this led ME was dancing. I knew I loved to move to music, but I had also had a lot of bad dance class experiences. I wanted to move how the music moved me, not in some dictated way. I wanted to sink into my body, not be body shamed. I danced at home, alone, and allowed myself to just be in my body, move how I wanted to move. I searched and searched for a long time for a setting where I could dance like this with other people and I finally found it and found so much joy. If this is an avenue that speaks to you could search for “Ecstatic Dance” or “Five Rhythms Dance” or look for music festivals on the hippie spectrum. Or even exercise classes that are on the open and non-judgmental side like Zumba, Nia, Gaga.
So, let this be as small as you need or as big as you can tolerate…..what would be fun?
*it is unclear from what I know of her life story that this was really a departure from how she was running her life previously, but hey, we’re all complicated beings and even wildly self-revealing memoirists probably have unknown hidden depths and conflicts.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 7:03 AM on March 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I wanted to thank everyone so much for all the personal experiences and advice you have shared. I have spent the past month being guided by all of your recommendations and find myself enjoying the first few steps of this new journey, with all the inevitable ups and downs. Leaning in to 'what I want to do' has been like training an entirely forgotten muscle (as anyone else who has been a carer or had similar responsibilities will understand). I would highly recommend it to everyone! Also taking the pressure off, finding myself reflected back in the friends I love the most, and reading the books recommended here has really helped. Thank you again.
posted by rose selavy at 8:37 PM on May 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by rose selavy at 8:37 PM on May 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
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posted by Emmy Rae at 10:55 AM on March 27, 2022 [12 favorites]